Kids Say the Darndest...

It's really great raising two kids who are super curious and ask a lot of questions.  First of all, they haven't been tainted by the world yet, so they are full of wonder and questions such as, "Dad, why is that guys butt sticking out of his pants?".  That was a fun moment at Hy Vee.

Second of all, I'm pretty blunt, but I'm aware of what I can and cannot ask, I absolutely love how blunt kids can be with whatever they say.  They don't care!  They will ask a super awkward question and then move on to watching Gabby's Dollhouse, forgetting they ever asked it.  

Yesterday my daughter asked a question that legit made sense, most of hers do.  So I thought I would tally up a few of her questions and my son's questions into a blog and comment on them.  Let's start with the one that got me to write this blog in the first place:

* note, this isn't one of those super lame blogs where parents lie about their kids quotes, neither have expressed their views on world peace, politics or if Taylor Swift is or isn't overrated.  (She's not, but I can see the argument).  Just some normal questions from two awesome kids.

"Why do you have to pay for school lunches?"

My first reaction was, holy shit, why does anybody have to pay for school lunches?  It honestly should come with school.  But then I got to thinking how underpaid school staff is.  How we have to do donations just to help support a school while legit billionaires are flying a space shuttle into space.  How the education and the societal system is broken, especially when it comes to education and the poor.  Then my head exploded.  

But seriously, I didn't grow up wealthy, but imagine having to not pay for your kid to eat at a place they learn, amazing.  This also goes in to college and how all of their staff is underpaid...but that's for another day.

"Why do kids have to stay home from daycare when they aren't sick?"

I had an entire blog written up about this, but I had to delete it for a few reasons.  I was super angry, which doesn't translate to a good read.  Also I completely understand the risk if a kid "might" be sick.  I oddly helped run a daycare for a few months (my resume is bonkers, I know this.  To learn more about my crazy life, buy my book in November called "Burying the Past"!) so I understand not wanting to close down and refund parents...but....

The system is broken.  Daycare is super expensive.  Most people can't afford it.  Most people can't afford to not have it.  We have the luxury of not being those parents that drop off a sick kid because we have to, but I get it.  But on the same note, people should try to not drop off their kid if they are sick because they get others sick.  They also, not my current daycare, I like this current daycare, but some daycare's didn't have a clue what to do with Covid.  

Kids temp is 100?  Send them home for 2-3 days!  Okay that doesn't affect anything at all work wise, does it?  Our son was sent home from a daycare for having a 99 degree temp in June.  So I had to work from home while our perfectly healthy son was fine.  When I questioned it, the head of the daycare tried to explain to me what a fever was like I wasn't married to a doctor or passed 5th grade science (D's get degrees).  

Quick thing, preschool/daycare teachers and staff should be paid more.  People's jobs SHOULD have a daycare allowance in it.

Basically the first two questions my daughter had involved the education and childcare system and how it's broken.  Perhaps my daughter or son can help change the world in the future and not have a tie in a political race like their dad.  Speaking of which?

Why is that guy so old!?

Okay, only a minor political one, but one that 99% of everyone can agree on.  My son asked this about our president.  Nobody over the age of 65 should be making decisions.  You're done, go drink a margarita and hang with your grand kids, you did your job.  There is no reason anyone should run for any political office at age 88.  

My son is 3 and asked why someone old is speaking on television, clearly he didn't know who it was.  But seriously, what a broken ass system.  Should honestly rename this blog "The System is Broken".  

Why do I have to wake up early every day?

My daughter is learning quick, the answer to this is nobody knows why!  The work day was set Monday thru Friday 8-5 by Satan.  School usually between 8ish - 3 ish?  I'm down for some changes there.  Four day work weeks?  Non Satan hours of 8-5?  Shorter school days where they maximize their learning?  More remote possibilities with jobs, oh, oh, oh!  My favorite question is the next one!

Why are my things during your job?

So a lot of people work without the luxury of being able to pick up and drop off your kids whenever, wherever...Shakira references!  

So my daughter has dance right at 5, that involves working people to leave at 4:30 to get to her after school place on time, then get to dance at 5, but then I gotta go pick up my kid, then go back to the same location to pick up my child when she's done.  Then there's dinner, then whatever small amount of time with them before they go to sleep, then you do the parent thing where you have goals, but stare at a wall or a tv show/phone instead.

Kindergarten training, I'll call it that, was at 9 AM each day, which I worked at 9 AM each day, then it was over at 11:45, so you gotta leave early (I'd also like to throw in I had my vasectomy this week like an idiot, so we dropped her off at 9 AM, then I had a vasectomy, then I waddled to go pick up my daughter, that week SUCKED).  It seems all things for kids are during the day intentionally to make one parent want to lose their god damn mind.  

Daddy how come you can swear?

Because I fucking can, get over it.  (I didn't really respond with that, but it's funny!).  

My kids know not to swear, I've discussed this with a few parents recently, but it's impossible for me to not swear.  Years and years of doing it, if I stub my toe I'm not NOT going to swear.  So you make sure your kids know they can't say the major bad words...but now I have to deal with poopy butt being a bad word at daycare and I have ZERO issues with poopy or butt being said.  Honestly, just be a good person and if they say booby let it slide preschool teacher who should be making way more money than you currently are (see I'm on your side!!!).

That's just a few of the gems they've had, I love the questions my kids ask, luckily they aren't all as deep as some of the above questions, more so it's asking how to add and spell which I can handle.  Here's a quick round up for funny ones that don't need a write up, one is clearly a joke:

- Why do girls not have wieners?

- Why are my farts smelly?

- Why do we have to eat vegetables?

- Are you lying about Santa?

- What are your thoughts on trickle down economics?

- Why do you yell at the 49'ers?

- Why do we fart?

- Why can't I scratch my butt in public?

Just some gems here, clearly the made up question was....Santa, it's the Santa one!  100%....

Thanks for reading as always.  I'm in the beginning stages of the how to convert finished book to Amazon publishing, but I'm there.  I finished a freaking book and I couldn't be happier.  If this takes off, perhaps I'll try another book that'll take far less time to complete than 13 years.  

Thanks for reading!

Jeff

Parenting 101...Questions

When I came up with the idea for this blog, the name Parenting 101...Questions popped in my head and I loved it.  But then I started to wonder, "Are there 101 questions I have about parenting?".  No, not really.  When I sat down pen to paper (fingers to keyboard, you know what I mean) I compiled a list, could I get to 28?  45?  69!?  (Hahaha, see what I did there?).  

No, I couldn't get there, but I do have a few questions that are on my mind, let's begin with...

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS AN EVENT INVOLVING ASKING FOR MONEY!?

Okay, I know why, because the education system is broke and they need money.  But holy...let's say cow.  My son is in preschool, my daughter just started kindergarten.  Fundraiser central.  Want to come to the fair and get food?  Hell yeah I do, but you gotta buy the raffle tickets and the food and whatever else comes up.

Want to go to an event at a preschool and get free food but pay money to watch Sing which you've seen 38 times?  Hell yeah I do!  Sing and Sing 2 have the best replay value for a movie since Moana, BUT now it's starting to add up.  

Coming up we have a food fundraiser (which is good, people should eat) and a running fundraiser (also good, people should run) and don't even get me started on political campaigns and kids coming to my door asking me to buy food.  OF COURSE I'LL BUY YOUR FOOD!  I'm the skinniest fat kid ever, give me higher cholesterol. 

Before I know it, I'm going to be having a fundraiser called "The Fundraiser to Fund the Raisers".  I will play some records, I will rap the Humpty Dance with or without Alex and Dustin beat boxing and set up a beer pong tourney to...wait...okay the records and beer pong tourney sounds like a good idea.  I better bring this up to the HOA WHICH I ALSO PAY MONEY FOR!

Back to music.  When dropping off your kids, what do you listen to?  Do you have it on talk radio or a podcast? Maybe an annoying morning show?  Me?  I'm listening to my mixes.  It can be whatever any time of day, but the real concern is I better have my window rolled up because, my bad, Ice Cube was asking, very politely as a matter of fact, you can do it, put your ass in to it.  

First off Mr. Cube, for me no, not this morning.  But it is funny getting to my 40's and our oldies are Cube, 2Pac, Dre, Korn, Metallica...I might have to stick to sports radio, but I can't handle sports after a 49'ers loss because I'm apparently a fucking child with sports.

Speaking of children!  How come when they find a toy they both haven't seen since pre-covid (somehow 40 years ago) they have to argue over it.  There was a stuffy of a dog that honestly was on the chopping block (neutering block I guess?) for toys, they both spotted it and boom, fireworks.  Anger.  Tears.  Two seconds of that random quiet when you think they fixed it themselves and then, oh wait, no wait, they were kidding.  

I grew up an only child, so all of this is new to me.  I had my cousin Brad, my cousin/brother (crother?  brousin?  It's brousin isn't it?) which we had arguments, we still do, but like, it's funny.  Then we're back to normal, my kids eventually get there, but the arguments over, and I can't emphasize this enough, the stupidest shit, will remain at least until college time.

*kids if you find this blog in 2042, I love you both, I hope you two are just crushing it and climate change hasn't quite taken effect and not to get too political, but I hope to god I stop hearing about one piece of shit ex-president daily by at least 2025...but somehow I doubt it.  Oh, and give dad and mom a call!  - Jeff in 2042

Finally, the terrible 2's aren't a thing.  That's some stupid phrase Dr. Spock or whoever else came up with in the olden times for those god awful parenting books that they made bank on.  The only Dr. Spock anyone should listen to told me to live long and prosper, which again if these kids keep selling me food my cholesterol will not agree with that phrase.  

The 3's are the crazy age...at least til puberty hits I'm guessing.  Our daughter had her craziness at 3 and currently it's our sons turn.  It's the age they can have a conversation with you and say "I love you" one minute and the next say "I'm going to eat your face!", which has happened!  He also discovered how funny the words Poopy and Butt are next to each other which clearly he's a comic genius, poopybutt, I'm laughing just typing it.

Unfortunately you can't say those words in unison or you will get talked to every...single...day...you pick him up.  At least he's not saying god awful things like the f word and How 'Bout them Cowboys.  Now we just have to conquer poopy butt and him crying uncontrollably when we leave a room for "insert 3 year old gymnastics/swimming/anything else class" and we will be good to go!

Well I for one am really glad I didn't attempt to do 101 questions, I kept some of the gold though which I'll share below because they were legit questions that I need to know

- What happened to Josh Hartnett and the guy from Friday Night Lights?  Weren't they supposed to be movie stars!?

- Is new music good?  IS IT!?  

- Underrated show, Brooklyn Nine Nine, I'm watching it now.  But here's the question, it expires on Hulu to go on another streaming service soon so I'm binge watching like mad, but why are there so many streaming services!?  This household alone has: Netflix, Peacock, Disney, Hulu, Amazon, ESPN, HBO, Paramount...WHERE DOES IT END?

- Also why does everything have to have a +!?  Just do a different name...gaaaahhhhhhh.

- Seriously Josh Hartnett was in some good stuff, like seriously what the hell happened?

The rest of the questions were basically things every parent asks, more Hartnett questions (Seriously!?) and how there are no original ideas for TV shows since the 80's....which will be my next blog.  

Thanks for reading as always!

Jeff

Kid Drop Offs or Why Everyone is Horrible and Can't Drive

 This fall has been quite the exciting time!  Our daughter just started kindergarten, while our son just moved to a new preschool.  With those two things comes all the activities, the driving, the cussing, the anger, the happiness we're leaving the activity, the "wow you did great!", with the next sentence being "I can't believe that car almost hit that kid, what the fuck did they just learn how to drive!?". 

This morning I dropped my kids off and here's what happened.  The awkward meet up at a door where another parent holds the door open for you, so my daughter goes to get the door and my son is behind and a door hits him in the face.  Then of course dropping my son off to his door while we're on a time limit to get to kindergarten on time, while we're waiting for another parent who won't stop talking to my kids teacher about nothing of importance, while I wait to ask a question to the teacher about my son using the term "poopy butt" too much.

Then leaving and instantly getting cut off by a parent as I'm trying to leave, who then cuts another person off and honks at them.  THEN we get to preschool and I walk my daughter to the door, making awkward conversation with someone I've met twice about Sonic the Hedgehog when my daughter has a question, but a dad I just met gets in between us and starts talking to me because he also wants to discuss Sonic the Hedgehog.  

The mornings get a little hectic these days, but hey I got a blog idea out of it.  Here are the different type of parents you will experience each day, one of them could be you!

Mom Trying Too Hard to Be Hot...Mom

I get it and clearly we all love when you show up, but we're old now.  If you gotta get super hot at 7 in the morning, more power to you, but I'm showing up to drop my kids off in neon shorts and a Space Jam t-shirt, PROBABLY while wearing a mismatched hat to hide my bed hair.  

If your job requires getting dressed up, that's fine, pick the month and usually my job does too.  But I'm far less shallow now, I'm more likely to think you're just as cool if you show up in a Spice Girls t-shirt and mismatched sandals (SHOUT OUT TO MY NEW DROP OFF FRIEND WHO DID ONE OF THOSE TODAY!).

The Cool Dad

I think I'm a cool dad, but not this type of cool dad, because I have humility.  This is the dad that always has those Mark McGwire sunglasses on or a polo/dress shirt where it's a solid color, but the collar is always white, below, two photo examples:

The kind of dad who when the kid falls you laugh at them and tell them to stop being a, we'll say wussy.  And somehow they are always smirking.  No reason to smirk so early in the morning.  Or at night after a long day.  Actually adulthood should have zero smirking.

The Talks Too Much Parent

Earlier the parent who butt in wanting to tell me something, which was 100% okay and I like new friends, but wait a second because I want to hear what my daughter has to say.  Ever get in one of those conversations and they won't stop talking?  I know when this happens because I am guilty of this 25% of the time, I am 1/4 The Talks Too Much Parent.  But I also can read a room, so when I'm done with the story I must blurt out, I switch gears.

But the ones who can't read a room and you're talking to someone about North Dakota while you are just dropping off your kid, we gotta not do that.  (This is 100% a conversation that happened and unless you're talking the movie Fargo or maybe how good NDSU football and Trey Lance are, nobody should ever talk about the 4th worst state in the country).

The Talks to Everyone Parent 

This is 3/4 me.  I will attempt to talk to anyone, including the Real Quiet Parent.  I moved to Lincoln 2 years ago and I would like to make some more friends.  Is that a crime!?  Is the best place to do it in the morning of a very stressful day when you drop off your kids?  I'll ignore that answer because I'm trying anyway.

But I like a good chat in the morning, working from home for essentially two years has made me miss social interaction.  So if I am that annoying parent, and I am, just politely nod and I'll stop...after getting my question out of the way, because I 1/4th talk too much...arguably more.

Also I'll use this as a parents friends ad, but you, yes you, if you like music and going to movies and going to bed by 10-10:30 PM but still like to drink do I have a couple for you!  Also, if you are knowledgeable on 90's hip hop and professional wrestling, I'm just saying, we're available.  

The Real Quiet Parent

I respect you.  I like that you just show up, you stand and nod.  If someone talks to you, you have a one sentence response, if not one word.  You walk away mid conversation, sure that hurts my feelings, but I 100% get it.  I always get along with the silent people because I can do the talking for the both of us.  I also wonder how your home interactions are?  Not in a negative way.  But in a "Does your kid talk?" kind of way.  Moving on!

The I'm Always Late Parent But Don't Care

You pull out and see the parent blaring some soft rock, maybe Evanescence.  Or Pink.  Okay it's both at the same time.  Or if it's the dad it's Drake.  But they are always late because they are horrible with time.  I can't even describe what they look like because the only look that describes them is late, but I'm sure they are holding a coffee from Scooters or Starbucks that if they just did that after they picked up their kids, they would 100% be on time.

The I'm Always Late Parent But I Do Care, But I'm Always Late Anyway

This parent has a cup of coffee left over from yesterday while she is holding today's coffee.  While yelling at her kids to hurry up because they are late.  But this person is usually nice 80% of the time, they just decided to have maybe 3 kids too many.  Always in a mini van.  So in a hurry.  Usually the type to say as they are running away, "Sorry I'd talk but I gotta run!" but saying it to nobody in particular.

The We're Friends, But Only With Each Other Parents

If I was still in Vermillion, I would probably be this parent.  But in Lincoln I don't know as many people, so it's usually a mixture of the cool dad, the hot mom and the talker parent.  I want to be the talker parent!  Get me in there!  Put me in coach, I'm ready to play!  

Usually talking about what their kid did this weekend, usually named Spencer or Bryce or Madeline or whatever, but always misspelled.  So it's Spensur, Brise and Medlynnnnnnn.  Maybe I don't want to be friends with them.  Back to the bench!

The Bitch

This morning I had another story.  I've crossed paths with this person maybe 4-5 times now because she likes to park in the exact same area that I do.  Super selfish bitch.  I had to go, but she keeps the door open so I can't reverse, with no regard for hurrying or being polite.  Closes door, looks at you annoyed, then takes forever to get in her car.  Super selfish bitch.  Then because I was polite and waited, why not have her pull out in front of me?  Makes sense.  

Usually cuts in front of people...and cars...on the walk to class.  95% chance kid grows up to do this.  I hate her.

There's a few more I can probably discuss here, but I think I got the gist!  A quick run downs of the ones I don't want to go in-depth on, in no particular order:

- the bad parent

- the I'm on the phone parent

- the I'm on speaker phone parent for absolutely no reason

- the apologetic parent who has a shitty kid

And we did it!  More blogs to come and the book is in the finishing stages of editing, so I should be ready to have it up by the end of October.  If you're reading this, you  might be in it, so I'll be asking for permission for the pictures in the middle of the book part of the book shortly.  

Have a great Wednesday!

Jeff