Fake Football Favorites

Well it's the end of July, and you know what that means?!  Two things!  Fantasy Football analysis and more NFL players being arrested!

On a quick aside before we get in to this article, why not wait a good 5-10 years (based on your career) to dabble with weed?  Make your money (especially if you're good) and then do whatever you want.  Is it that hard to understand!?  Idiots!

Alright, back to football.  If you're reading this and don't play fantasy football, be prepared to enter a very weird world.  Where backup running backs on the Ravens affect championships (I still hate you La'Ron McClain and Karl Reasoner for having him).  Where you remember random Saints-Browns games from 2011.  Where you develop a bond with players who will never meet you or care about you.  It's fun stuff!

So with this article, I am going to compile my 5 favorite stories of all time with fantasy football.  I will also be picking my five favorite fantasy players, and the reason behind them being selected.  As an accompanying article, Aaron Pew will also be doing a blog on the same topic.  Tis the season for some football!

Top 5 Fantasy Football Stories OF ALL TIME!

1. I won a championship.  How did I do it?!  Trades.  In fantasy football, a trade going in your favor can really help you out, and for me, it did, big time.  I ended up getting Calvin Johnson and Rob Gronkowksi (thanks Kyle Kelly and Aaron Pew) my championship year.  But that's not why this is my favorite story.

I played in the championship against a guy named Bazemore, a man who makes the playoffs, and in this case, 4 championships in 5 years.  His team was stacked.  And how did I win?  I played a Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver by the name of Mike Williams that day.  And he destroyed.



To add insult to injury, we watched the games together that day and his stacked team underperformed. I'm not gonna lie, I may have played We Are the Champions that night, and my reward was eating at a Brazilian Carnival restaurant, where I feasted on meats and grilled pineapples in victory.

2. That same championship year, I began dating my now wife.  And I will remember this day forever, as it was the day I got in to that very championship game, by .5 points, defeating my buddy Brian Opp.  The deciding game was a 49'ers-Patriots game.  If you have read this blog, or know me, or been to my home, you know I love the 49'ers.  Unfortunately for me, my team had Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowksi, Julian Edelman Shane Vereen and the Patriots kicker. Ouchtown.  I needed my real team (the 49'ers) to win this and I needed my fantasy team (Romo Lone 2: Lost in Dallas...who Opp helped name) to win as well.

Luckily for me, the 9ers won that game, but in the final moments, after a monster game by Brady and Gronkowski, they had their kicker line up for a field goal.  Which he made.  At that time, that score put me up by 8 points.  But, as some of you hardcores know, ESPN does stat adjustments overnight.
So as I was reliving my glory from the night before I saw the score was changed...to have my victory be by .5 points.  USA!  USA!  USA!!!!

3. The Robert Meacham game.  One of my favorite days, for the sheer fact that I won a game a day after it happened.  Who can you blame?  ESPN stat adjustments.  Long story short, I had a player named Robert Meacham, who I decided to play against the man I mentioned above, Bazemore.  A fumble recovery picked up by Meacham led to a touchdown.  A touchdown that was not counted that day.

Text messages from Bazemore convinced him of certain victory.  A victory that was taken away that next day.  Good times!

4. Not all fantasy stories are happy ones.  2013.  I had one of, if not the best team.  I don't think any in our league would argue it.  I had Peyton Manning and the Broncos, the year he decided to go crazy.  I had Julio Jones.  I had it all!  I was on pace at worst to make the playoffs, at best be the first back to back champion in that league.  What happened!?



Julio Jones got hurt.  My backups all got hurt.  I panicked, thinking the Broncos couldn't keep up the pace.  I traded my Broncos wide receiver (Eric Decker, owner of the title "Possibly the hottest non-supermodel-wife in all of the NFL...maybe").



I lost Julio the rest of the year.  I traded Peyton Manning.  I traded him for LeSean McCoy and Tom Brady.  An amazing trade, if I didn't decide to trade McCoy and Brady.  I panicked.  I kept trading where my starter was Case Keenum.  My teams haven't been the same since, missing the playoffs the past 2 years and hating fantasy football by week 6.

5. Last year I won 3 games...I think.  It hurts to look at.  But.  The sweetest victory was being in San Francisco.  Watching my beloved 49'ers take on the Minnesota Vikings.  I was there with my wife and my friend Aaron Pew and his wife Megan.  They are Vikings fans.  Also every year I play Pew on the 1st weekend of the year in fantasy.  He was kicking my ass.

Still to go, I had the 49'ers running back Carlos Hyde and Aaron had a Vikings wide receiver and the Vikings defense.  The game was done, he has won...  UNTIL!  Carlos Hyde did his best Adrian Peterson impression (the non hitting his kids version).  And if you're unfamiliar to fantasy football, your teams defense loses points the more points/yards they gave up.  Add in that Pew's wide receiver didn't do anything...and my team won.  This was my reaction.



This was his...



Of course the rest of the year would end up horribly.  After that victory I thought the 9ers would possibly, maybe, win at least 8 games.  They didn't.  My fantasy team followed suit, losing...a lot.

Hopefully this year is better...um, for my fantasy team.  The 49'ers are another story... I want them to lose as much as possible to get Deshaun Watson and fire their GM (I hate you Baalke!).

Now for my top 5 favorite fantasy players of all time.  Let's call it:

Jeff's Top 5 Favorite Fantasy Players of all time!

1. Cordarrelle Patterson



The year was 2014.  The man.  Cordarrelle Patterson.  I read enough fantasy projections (I hate you Matthew Berry) to believe that Patterson was the next Randy Moss.  So I got him in 3 leagues.  Yup.
3.  One of those leagues was an auction league.  Where you bid on the players and you're given a specific dollar amount for your roster.

My buddy Kyle Jensen walked in to a room, and in my excitement because he's awesome, I ended up having a 1 in front of the $25 I was planning on bidding.  Clearly nobody else was spending 1/4th of their team on one guy so I got him.  Hence the new nickname for the Vikings 5th best wide receiver, Mr. 125.

Sadly his first game he was amazing, I say sadly, because I thought it was warranted...but he went on to be a god awful acquisition.  One that I will never repeat...until this year, maybe.

2. Robert Meacham



As I said earlier, this random 3rd or 4th wide receiver altered a game/season all because of one fumble recovery.  So that makes me laugh.

Also shortly after, he had signed with the San Diego Chargers, with people thinking he was going to be amazing.  Turns out not so much, so not only did he kill people's fantasy chances one year for good reasons, he also ruined them just by adding him to your team.  Proud of you Meacham.

3. Carson Palmer



My very first draft pick of all time.  Mr. Palmer.  Cincinnati Bengal great.  Now Arizona Cardinal old man fixer upper (first Kurt Warner, now Palmer, who is next!?  If it's Kaepernick...).

I didn't know what I was doing in 2005 when I first picked him and I'm not much better 11 years later, because this is such a crap-shoot.  He did get me to a top record in my first year, unfortunately I didn't win my first year.  Well actually...I did draft the team that won the first year, but it wasn't my team...which I wouldn't repeat that feat until 10 years later.

Moral of the story, if you want me to draft your team for you, I'm 2 for 2 in championships.  And if I draft my team, I'm 4 of 11 of even making the playoffs....

4. Tom Brady



Here's Tom Brady, pictured in his only jersey worth anything.  Burn.

So Tom Brady, the year I won.  I was driven to our draft location.  I was extremely hung over.  I had planned a bachelor party for Aaron Pew, the man above in this article.  So the night before we may have gotten a little crazy.  Us being stupid, we decided to have our fantasy football draft at 1 PM the next day.  Thinking that would be a good enough time.  It wasn't.

Driven to an Old Chicago, wanting to puke, the draft had literally just started as we got inside.  I wanted Tom Brady at #3.  In our league, quarterbacks are pretty important.  So I remember having that feeling of relief of logging in right on time.  Then making 2 crappy picks right after (which I turned in to Gronk, so not too crappy).  Then forcing pizza in my body.  Then wanting to puke.  Good times!

5. Calvin Johnson



Am I bummed he retired?  Yes.  Do I understand why?  Yes.  His fingers looked all sorts of messed up.  He wasn't going to win anything being on the Lions besides pity.  I'm just disappointed because I literally just got him in my dynasty league, thinking I had him at worst for 2 more years.  Sigh.

So every time he was on my team, I knew he'd be fun to watch.  And he was.  Top 5 WR of all time (since we're on lists it goes 1. Jerry Rice 2. Randy Moss 3. Calvin Johnson 4. Cris Carter 5. Terrell Owens).  So goodbye Megatron!  I hope you don't come back since I released you and all that stuff!

Well that does it!  Fantasy football top 5's.  Don't forget to read Aaron Pew's article when that comes out, I'll probably edit this later when he does it, and supply you a link.  I'm sure his memories will be just as hilarious and fun, except for the one in San Francisco that we experienced together.

Coming up this week.  Maybe I'll play some Nintendo games and put them up?  Maybe?  But the one thing that IS happening.  The Donald Trump blog.  And it's going to be amazing.

Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

WWE Draft: Kleeman Report Style!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcasting of top 4 lists, hating Facebook and Trump and humble bragging about my sperm working to bringing you a blog about the WWE DRAFT!

YEAH!  I know what you're thinking, a draft for a "fake" wrestling show.  Yup.  Because if you know me, I like professional wrestling and I like drafts.  Drafts of all kinds (non-military)!  So I would like to give you non-wrestling fans the opportunity to depart right now (thanks for the website hit!).  Later this week I'll play Nintendo and take some pictures, and boom, back to normal.  Until then...



For those of you still around.  Let's do this!  Because this is a really interesting time for the land of the written reality.  Splitting up the two shows and going separate ways is the best thing for their business.  Getting new match-ups and some fresh stories is essential.  So I've decided to do a top 10 (see, still a list!) of who will get picked.  Later this month we'll do a Fantasy Football one of these too, so get used to this.

First let's begin with some people who will just miss the top 10, but I want to list because they are awesome anyway.  In no particular order:

- Shinsuke Nakamura (will be in NXT for a bit, but if he's called out tomorrow I"ll probably yell out loud at home, he's amazing).
- Brock Lesnar (he's a part timer, and he just got busted for roids, so top 10?  Who knows?  But not worth it).
- Cesaro (one of the best performers on the show, except for the whole talking thing).
- Rusev (two reasons, he's awesome is first, second: Lana)
- Finn Balor (he'll be picked tomorrow for sure, and that's exciting, but not top 10 material, he's like drafting Tom Brady in Fantasy Football, you know he's a stud, but there's better positions to fill first).
- Sami Zayn (he's awesome, a future champion, but not happening in the top 10)
- Charlotte (she's Ric Flair's daughter, kind of a b on the show, current champion, but there's better women out there).
- Paige (if you read this site, you know this pains me, I AM SO SORRY PAIGE!!!!).



So let's get in to this top 10 shall we?

10. Big Cass

Big Cass is awesome.  His tag team partner is this guy:



They just scream pro wrestling.  Unfortunately, they are both so awesome, I can see them being split up.  It just makes sense...sadly.



So Big Cass goes his separate ways from Enzo.  Who knows, maybe they'll let his girlfriend Carmella come along for the ride.



Either way, Cass wins.

9. The New Day

Apparently not all tag teams get split up so...... you gotta keep these guys together.



If they are broken up, people will revolt.  I mean seriously, they bring a trombone to the ring.  A TROMBONE!!!

They have unicorn heads and talk about everything from Lil Boosie to Pokemon.  Keep them together.

NEXT!

8. Sasha Banks

She is the most popular girl on their show, best female wrestler and hall pass of Brad Simons.



She is also Snoop Dogg's cousin, so again Sasha, if you're reading this, give this guy a chance!!!



You are the best girl on the show, number 8 in the draft you go Sasha!  Sorry Paige!  I AM SO SORRY!



7. Bray Wyatt

This is a guy who they've been f'ing around with the past few years.  He always loses big matches.
Then they have him come back and start another feud, just to lose it again.  This guy should be awesome, I mean look at him!



He is simply terrifying.

Fact is, he's supposed to be the new Undertaker, so let's start treating him like it.

6. A.J. Styles

The best performer on their show all year?  Dean Ambrose?  Roman Reigns?  Nope.  It's the guy from TNA who looks like Billy Ray Cyrus.



He is definitely a top 10 pick.  He's the equivalent to taking Drew Brees with a top 10 pick if you want to get in comparisons.  A bit older but still awesome.

5. Kevin Owens

Kevin Owens possibly might be my favorite person on the show.  He's kind of a Stone Cold Steve Austin kinda character.  He's great.  His Twitter is legit awesome.  And he looks like he can kick almost anyone's ass.



Whoops, wrong picture.



Easily a main eventer for years to come.

4. John Cena

Let's get this outta the way.  John Cena is this generations Hulk Hogan or Stone Cold.  He seems to legitimately be one of the nicest guys out of the ring with his Make-A-Wish visits.  He also is in a lot of good movies and surprisingly good in them.  Also, also (also squared) he was a great host of the ESPY's last week.



With that being said, he's getting old.  He's not top 3.  And his character needs to follow the likes of Hogan and Austin and become an unbelievable heel (bad guy for those of you who decided to read this blog who don't know the lingo).

3. Roman Reigns

I dislike him immensely but I see the appeal, kinda like Justin Bieber.  He will eventually be their number 1 guy if he learns how to talk and stops using steroids.



Seriously, stop pushing him down our throats.

2. Dean Ambrose

He is the current champion.  He's my favorite, characterwise he's great.  He's like a new Roddy Piper, minus the kilt.



RIP RODDY!  So Ambrose is damn near the complete package.  He's great.  There's only one better than him.  But don't worry because you have the coolest interview person ever Ambrose.



1. Seth Rollins

He's the new Shawn Michaels.





I should rephrase that, Rollis is a new Shawn Michaels with better hair but a worse fashion sense.

He can be the best face (good guy) or best heel (again, bad guy) hands down, which is amazing because his ceiling before turning on The Shield was at best being the next Jeff Hardy.

So here is your number 1 pick...Seth Rollins!



Thanks for reading everyone!  Have a great evening.  Or morning.  Or afternoon.  Whenever you're reading this, I just sure hope it's great!

Jeff Kleeman

The Fab Four

People LOVE lists.  In my experience, especially with this blog, if you make a list, you get some hits.
I mean, look at Buzzfeed.  A website of 90% pure garbage, but you make a list of your favorite Kardashian nail polishes and boom!  Advertising.  And I want that money!  I'm having a kid, so I want them web hits, so let's do this!

The top four list will not be in any particular order.  There will already be some scandalous choices (especially with my women of Game of Thrones selections)!  Also if you're a common reader of this website, the less work I have to do on this, the better.  Let's begin with an easy one.

TOP FOUR WRESTLERS OF ALL TIME

1. Hulk Hogan
2. Stone Cold Steve Austin
3. The Rock
4. Ric Flair

See, that was easy right?  And there's no order, but it's these 4 easily.  Let's keep these lists going.

HOTTEST WOMEN ON GAME OF THRONES

1. Dany
2. Sansa
3. Missandei
4. Melisandre

Um trying to avoid spoilers, so let's just say, I'm going these four.  I have a weird thing for the witch, ask my wife.  And Missandei is the most underrated girl on the show.



NBA Mount Rushmore

1. Michael Jordan
2. Magic Johnson
3. Larry Bird
4. LeBron James

Oh no Bill Russell!?  I don't care.  He played versus less talent.  Jordan is the GOAT.  The other two because they ruled.  And LeBron because what he's done is incredible, and if he makes Space Jam 2, I'm putting him second.

Eminem Records

1. Marshall Mathers LP
2. The Eminem Show
3. Recovery
4. Slim Shady LP

Encore almost made this list, there's some good stuff on there.  Relapse was nice to have him back, but the less said the better, although 3 AM is on that.  While I'm on the topic of rap...

Best Rapper EVER

1. 2Pac
2. Jay-Z (pre-2009)
3. Biggie Smalls
4. Andre 3000

Nothing like this white boy from South Dakota picking the best rappers ever.  You mad Nas isn't on there?  Should be.  Eminem is awesome, clearly.  Kendrick Lamar?  One day.  Bubba Sparxxx,  Um...

Best Seattle Mariners

1. Ken Griffey, Jr.
2. Edgar Martinez
3. Jay Buhner
4. Harold Reynolds

Hey, they are no longer my favorite MLB team, but I can still make a random list about them, right!?
ARod will never make this because he's a jerk.  Randy Johnson is close, but let's not forget he forced a trade.  Jamie Moyer is close.  But look at Harold Reynolds.  JUST LOOK AT HIM!!!



Top Golfers 

1. Jack Nicklaus
2. Ben Hogan
3. Arnold Palmer
4. Tiger Woods

Woods you could've been #1!!!!  You and your porn stars.  And Arnold Palmer makes this strictly for being possibly the most awesome athlete of all time.

Top Four Fruits

1. Pineapple
2. Grapes (red)
3. Oranges
4. Apples (any color)

This list will get the most hate, I bet you!  You ever had grilled pineapple?  HAVE YOU!?

Adam Sandler Movies

1. Happy Gilmore
2. Billy Madison
3. Big Daddy
4. The Waterboy

Isn't it sad that nothing in the past 16 years has even come close?  THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!

Best Frozen Pizzas

1. DiGiorno
2. Party Pizza
3. Tombstone
4. California Pizza

Yeah I went California Pizza, take that Red Baron!  Party Pizza is still the bomb.  Don't believe me? Go to the grocery store, buy one, bring it here and I'll eat it and tell you as much.

Super Mario Games

1. Mario Kart
2. Super Smash Bros.
3. Super Mario World
4. Super Mario 3

Yes, Super Mario RPG is my favorite game.  But.  I just won't go and replay it like these 4.  In fact, if you want to get that Party Pizza and come over to play some Mario Kart, I'm cool.  I asked my mom if it's cool if we stay up past midnight, but you gotta go shortly after it.  Curfew.

Best Soda

1. Dr. Pepper
2. Coca Cola
3. Dad's Root Beer
4. Wild Cherry Pepsi

Am I kidding on one of the above!?  Maybe.  But it got you thinking about how awesome Dad's Root Beer is, didn't it?  Clearly 3 is Sprite.  Yum.  And caffeine free if that's a concern to you like it used to be for me.

Towns in South Dakota

1. Vermillion
2. Deadwood
3. Deadwood
4. Deadwood

I gotta put my hometown on here.  And Deadwood is the best place on the planet.  Clearly.  If you want to get nitpicky, add, um Canton at 3 and Sioux Falls at 4.  Brief aside, Sioux Falls used to be higher, but you jumped the shark at being compared to San Francisco...I've been to San Fran, and you Sioux Falls, are no San Fran.

Best SNL Cast Member

1. Will Ferrell
2. Bill Murray
3. Chris Farley
4. Fred Armisen

This was a tough list.  And I'm sure I'm going to get some guff on no women, but that's just how deep this show is/was.  My literal dream (I literally dreamed this, thanks for waking me up Brad) was to write skits for SNL and date Kristen Wiig (pre-meeting my wife, pre-Wiig kinda sucking).



And Kate McKinnon is funny as hell.  And no, I'm still not overly excited about the new Ghostbusters, and no not because it's all women, but because it looks like it sucks and Fall Out Boy remade the song.

Top 90's Things I Miss

1. Starter Jackets
2. Ecto Cooler
3. No Social Media
4. Fruit By the Foot

Top 49'ers 

1. Joe Montana
2. Jerry Rice
3. Ronnie Lott
4. Steve Young

I thought this list would be harder, but it really wasn't.

Best Chick Flick Movies From a Dude

1. Devil Wears Prada
2. Miss Congeniality
3. Bridesmaids
4. The Notebook...duh.

Gosling all the way!  Prada is one of the funniest memories I have of watching a movie (eating SpaghettiO's with my roommate Schempp and feeding them to a stray cat).

Top Ex-Girlfriend's of Derek Jeter

1. Scarlett Johansson
2. Jessica Alba
3. Minka Kelly
4. Adriana Lima



Congrats on getting married to a super model Jeter.  A starting shortstop on the Yankees who has won multiple World Series, got 3,000 hits and is almost internationally loved by the masses, even while playing on the evil Yankees, also gets a super model half your age...what does this guy get depressed about?  I bet his wi-fi never goes out and he's never stubbed his toe on anything.  Jerk.

Top Four Annoyances At This Moment

1. Trump
2. Anti-vaxxers
3. Facebook political/news conversations
4. Racists who pretend to not be racist

That's a good one to end on I think!

I could literally go on and on, hell, I almost did Top Four Kleeman Report Blogs, but there's just too many to list, amirght!?!?!

So thank you for reading.  Sorry I was a day late Dani Wooldrik, I assure you, it will happen again.

Jeff Kleeman