Burying the Past: Last Book Teaser

 

I have done it!  I finished my book.  I'm now editing to make sure it grammatically looks good.  I'm also adding things I may have missed, especially from the Rat Pack Party chapter.   Then all I have to do is do a Cast of Characters and we're good to go.  This took a year to finish, but I did it.  Below are a few entries from the book.  I hope it's enough to entice you to buy it because clearly my only motivation for finishing this is money and to sell it for millions of dollars.  

This entry is from the nicknames chapter, We have encountered a lot of very interesting people throughout the years, here's one that I still enjoy discussing:

Snowboard Guitar Guy

Telling this story as an adult is always fun.  It’s one of my go to’s for the absurdity of it.  We were having a party when I was alerted there was an older man outside on my deck drinking.  So I went outside to see what the hubbub was about.  

It was a man who was homeless talking with people outside who were smoking.  I had nothing against that.  So I started to talk to him, I found out from him that his one source of income was by nude modeling at the art school.  He had wanted to patent an invention where you could have a snowboard that also played guitar.  As you got down to the bottom of the hill, when you were done snowboarding you could immediately shred on your guitar and play some tunes.  

Smash wanted him to come inside my home and hangout, but I was very hesitant, so I didn’t let him in the house.  She was furious at me.  So he stayed outside the rest of the night, talking with whomever and we never saw him again.  I often wonder if he got to live his dream or what happened to him?  

The Mermaid

She was brought up earlier in the book.  She had joined us for an H-Worth Open event and left the next day before our 6th Rat Pack Party.  I had found out she had an ex-husband she didn’t tell me about from Stein.  

There was always something weird with her, she was very nice, but there was a weird rule.  She was reading an advice book from Steve Harvey of all people.  In the book, he said couples who start dating shouldn’t have sex for 60 days.  That way the relationship wouldn’t have any complications from having sex.  So I got cock blocked by Steve Harvey.  We also had a double date, playing Family Feud of all things, with Julia and her boyfriend Drummer.  I went to get a beer with Julia and she swears Mermaid was hitting on Drummer, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO!  

A few weeks later we went to a place in Chamberlain, SD to go camping.  After I saw either a ghost or a dead body (Google it, there’s reportedly a ghost in that river and I’m convinced it was one of those two), we had a conversation about relationships.  Her parents and family had come to join us, they were quite nice actually.  So I told her I liked her family, she told me it was moving too fast.  She wanted to take a break, which was a perfect thing to say before going to bed in a tent and possibly seeing a dead body or a ghost.  

I woke up that morning and went home.  We didn’t talk for a week as she went on a vacation with her family.  When she got back she called me, which was weird because we lived in the same apartment, she was literally right under my floor.  But she called at the worst possible time.  LeBron James was going to say where he was going to play basketball.  Was he to stay in Cleveland?  Was he going to Miami?  Did Jeff see a ghost or a dead body?!  Nobody knew!  

So while she told me we were done on the phone I asked her if she could pause for a second, as Dark Honey was in the other room screaming, LeBron had chosen Miami.  Wow.  Incredible.  Oh, and I was single again.  She eventually wanted to get back together, but that was too much crazy for me.  

Also a subtle hint to her name, Simo would call her REO Speedwagon, which dammit I should’ve named her entry that!  

I was going to share a story about how a party of ours was started called Jock Jams, but I had too much controversy this week with Facebook posts, so I"ll post about one of the jobs I had in my younger years.

Sioux Falls Skyforce

I love basketball, I suck at it, but I love it.  90’s basketball got me through a lot growing up.  I loved video game basketball, NBA Jam, Michael Jordan and the Bulls, nobody I know can beat me at NBA Live ’95 or ’96, fact.  

So when I graduated and an internship with the Sioux Falls Skyforce came up I jumped at the opportunity.  They are a minor league affiliate, at the time for the Minnesota Timberwolves, for the NBA and one of the most successful franchises in “minor league” basketball.  

My job was to do promotions and be one of those people you see go out during timeouts or breaks in the action and shoot t-shirts into the crowd or throw balls.  It honestly was a fun gig; it was just really time consuming at nights and holidays and you didn’t get paid anything.

My thinking was, I would work there and maybe end up finding a job with an NBA team.  My cousin had worked with the Sioux Falls Stampede, then with the Magic and I thought that sounded fun.  Maybe I’ll get into promotions with an NBA squad?  

No, not meant to be and not an easy career to get into.  I did get some perks like free tickets and food which was nice.  Ironically the girl I was going to live with in Sioux Falls was a cheerleader for the Skyforce, she was the only nice cheerleader.  In fact, besides the front office, even the players were jerks.  I bumped into one very tall player at a bar and went up to him, introduced myself and said, “hey I guess we’re kind of coworkers huh!?”.  He looked at me with no facial expression, “Fuck no!”.  And walked away.  

One of my last nights is one of the most embarrassing stories of my life.  I became the main partner of the mascot; I think his name was Thunder.  I would assist him with whatever he needed cuz his hands were mascot paws.  The most rewarding part of the job was helping special needs kids and getting them prizes every game.  It truly was awesome, and I loved it every time.  Except one night. 

It was Christmas so it was a packed house.  At the time I was dating McQ, and I had gotten her parents some free tickets to the game.  I was feeling super cool and went to go help Thunder deliver a ball to a special needs kid.  I got a little too amped up and instead of a bounce pass I did an overhead pass, but it slipped out of my hands.  I can still hear the “oooooooh” of the crowd as Thunder THANKFULLY caught the ball inches from this poor kid’s head.  He handed the kid the ball, he was thankfully oblivious.  I went and hid behind the hoop, embarrassed beyond belief.  

Ever had a mascot look at you in complete disbelief?  I have.  That was brutal.  I was done shortly after, by choice, nobody besides the mascot even knew what had happened.  But I felt so bad.  Thunder, if you’re reading this, I owe you one buddy. 

Rating: 3/5

Thanks for reading!  I hope this was enough to entice you to get the book when it's complete.  Have a great weekend. 

Jeff Kleeman

One Crazy Summer

 

Did I lift the title from the underrated John Cusack/Demi Moore classic from the 80's!?  Yes!  For a dude that turned 40 this year, I have had one insanely weird summer.  

Is it job related?  Yes, when isn't it job related?  I'll tell that story some other time though, there's more important things to discuss than that.  I write my kids an email roughly every quarter, all the happenings of their life, mine and Heather's and the world.  The idea to write a blog about this summer came to me as I was typing "and then I had a vasectomy".  

So far this summer I have:

- as I said above, I had a vasectomy.  I recommend it to all that are debating getting one.  I had a great doctor, there is a great story though.  I had it scheduled for June, the day before the appointment I get a call from a number I don't recognize.  It's the doctor, he cut his hand with a hedge trimmer.  The day before the appointment.  I'm not entirely terrified, but I am hesitant about the procedure.  It went fine, you're in pain for a few days.  Big tip, if you're a stomach sleeper, you're in for some awful sleep, as I can't sleep on my back for the life of me.  

Also with my luck, I was one of the 4% that had an issue after, but it was entirely fixable and I'm fine.  9/10 recommend getting one.

- we took a family vacation to Colorado that made me want to move to Colorado.  I say this with no hesitation.  If my wife got a job offer in Denver tomorrow I'd be packed up the next day ready to go.  We all loved Denver.  I always gave crap to my friend Amanda who is from there, she said it's the best place ever, yeah sure blah blah blah.  Damn it, if she wasn't right, it was an almost perfect family vacation.

We stopped through Kearney, NE on the way, then stayed at North Platte that night.  We had a blast at an arcade with the kids, then set off for Denver to do all the things you would do when you have kids in Denver.  Children's museum, aquarium, science museum and a Rockies game.  The food was great.  My best friend from grade school, Brady, lived there so our families got to meet.  Our good friend Corryn was randomly in town, so we bought $100 worth of pasta that we maybe only ate $8 worth.  They had cool shops that sell things that should be legal.  9.5/10.  Kids had a meltdown on the last day, which honestly, only one meltdown, screw it, 10/10.

- my amazing son turned 3 and my daughter graduated preschool, twice, in the same week.  My son got to have his 3rd birthday in Denver which was awesome.  He got pancakes and a song for breakfast.  A Rockies game where he got a stuffy he named Rocky.  And a great dinner with Brady and his family where he got a really awesome dessert.  The following week he had a party at a place with a bunch of padding and a zip line, he's awesome, he's worth it 10/10

The two graduations were literally back to back, as my daughter went to a daycare AND a preschool.  The daycare one was great considering it was put on by two teachers who announced that day they were quitting.  Noticeable gasps in the audience, but the manager of that place is garbage so I see why they quit.

The preschool I will recommend to any and all to have their kids in Lincoln go to.  It was great to see Zoe graduate and move on to the next chapter of school.  10/10

- had my 20th (22nd due to covid) high school reunion.  It went well!  I planned it with Brady, it was maybe discussed for 3 minutes when we met in Colorado and a lady named Kelsey who was the mayor of the town we lived in and a general rock star.  We got maybe 30-40 of our class to show up?  High estimate?  Not sure, but it was great to catch up with people, some I hadn't seen in almost 20 years.

If everything is on track, we will have our 25th reunion in literally 3 years, so that could be a thing, hopefully we get more people this time.  Things I learned that day:

1. McDonald's has a rule in that town where you can't order lunch until 11 AM.  I pulled up to the drive thru at 10:58 AM, so I had to drive around and wait to order.

2. Vermillion, SD has an awesome adult arcade that I wish was there when I lived there.  There is also one person who drives an Uber/Lyft in Vermillion and only does it when she feels like it. 

3.  The bar scene is almost exactly the same as when I was in college.  Pregame at a bar called Leo's, go dance at Char.  Older people hang at Carey's.  Pub is fine every now and then.  Varsity is for old people who like beer.  

4. Trying to fit everything into one night is impossible.  It was great to catch up with my class.  My friend group is also in Vermillion and I got to see them for roughly 10 minutes that night which put a damper at the end of the night.  There's more to the story, but it is what it is.  The reunion 9/10.  The damper 0/10.  

5. Vermillion has some crazy stories.  It was insane to come back and hear whatever town gossip was going on.  It was a nice reminder of one of the reasons we moved, I love the town but holy shit.  Also our old house, the person who bought it ruined all of the hard work of my landscaping. Drama stories 7/10.  Landscaping 1/10.

6. Special thanks to my aunt and uncle for watching the kids during Part 1 of the reunion.  They still talk about the farm, you two will be amazing grandparents.  Special thanks Part 2 to a last minute watching of our children by our friend Lindsey's kid.  Childcare 10/10

- my daughter had a super hero dance recital.  Heather was gone on a girls trip that was sadly planned during the exact weekend our daughter had a dance recital.  I learned how to do hair in a bun for this event.  I did not learn how to do makeup.  Special thanks to our children's doctor for coming to help and for my mom that assisted with eyebrows.  My daughter crushed it.  10/10

- saw some concerts because I missed the hell out of concerts.  Chrvches I hope to never have to spell ever again, but great band.  Third Eye Blind was also great, thanks to Pancheri for that hook up.  Coming up we have some debates on concerts, everything from Incubus to Ja Rule, hello 2002!

Chrvches: 8/10 they were great  Third Eye Blind 8.5/10  

- gotten a rough case of covid.  COVID SUCKED.  I woke up one night cold as hell, I thought it was because I was wearing a tank top of Stefon from SNL and I never wear tank tops.  So I put on a shirt and woke up drenched, thinking it was because I put on a shirt.  Then I had a headache.  And I was freezing again.  And I had that weird thing with your mouth when you get covid and...I got covid.  And it sucked.  That day was the hottest day of the summer and to get outside for a minute I watered the plants wearing a hoodie.  

It was a waiting game at that point as my wife was planning some sort of surprise party for me.  I had no idea where, I thought it was going to be to San Francisco to get a tour of Levi's Stadium.  That was what I settled on.  It was not, I'll get in to that next.

Each day I was getting better, luckily the 5th day was our trip.  In between was hectic.  Did we have my in-laws watch the kids?  Luckily they came, I masked the entire time they were here.  I also worked the entire time with covid, for the second time this year, since I worked from home it was doable, it was awful but doable.  What made it harder were covid regulations with daycare where a kid can't go if they are exposed SO I WORKED WHILE HAVING COVID WHILE WATCHING KIDS.  

To say the surprise trip was something I was very excited about was an understatement after how exhausted I was.  Also I had tickets to pro wrestling that I had to give away.  Anybody reading this knows how much that hurt me considering that week it came out Vince McMahon had given hush money to women he had affairs with and since he was an asshole who doesn't really care he actually appeared here in Lincoln.  Dammit.  I watched it on TV, it wasn't the same. 

Covid -1,000/10  Missing wrestling, same.  

- had a surprise 40th birthday party in Las Vegas.  My wife is a rock star.  I had no idea it was in Vegas or if any friends were coming.  Again, I thought it was going to be in San Francisco.  So when we got to the airport and randomly bumped in to Pancheri, I honestly thought nothing of that, the dude is in Vegas all the time.  So we made plans to get a dinner later.  Then I was gambling and all of a sudden David and Gina Coley walked out?  What?  So we sang Kelly Clarkson by a bar and I was stoked.  Then I saw Beach texted my wife.  Why on earth was Beach texting my wife?  OH HE WAS IN TOWN!?  No way!  And he brought Kelly!?  That's fantastic.

We had a great night at a lounge restaurant, where we somehow sat for 3 hours.  I also live to make Beach laugh at stupid shit, so I randomly tried moving people's candles on their tables as we left.  Epic fail on the 2nd one when I dropped it lol.  

The next day was a rented poolside spot at a very loud pool.  It was 100% awesome.  It was funny to see TIk Toker and Instagram people out in the wild doing selfies.  As I was standing there Brad randomly showed up, who played me like a rube.  He was playing it off that he wouldn't make it and I bought it hook, line and sinker. 

It was a great party and I'm very thankful for all of those who made it.  I also woke up that morning to everyone who couldn't make it texting me.  It was a mix of oh okay that's fine and oh so that's why you couldn't make it?  But I'm not gonna lie, if Craig had made it I would've lost my absolute shit and cried.  

That night we went on a really cool food tour that made all of us so full we couldn't finish the damn dessert, a regret I still live with.  

The final day of Vegas was super underrated.  We went to one of those sneaker stores that has literally every Jordan or cool shoe hanging up with saran wrap around it.  We also went to a candy store that had a bar and drank some candy themed drinks, something Brad and I have to do every time we're on a trip apparently, well that and have deviled eggs.  

We capped the night with some delicious sushi and then went to an awesome show that Brad got us tickets for.  We slept for approximately 2 hours and just like that, we were home.  I turned 40 that day we got back and I truly felt it. 

The surprise 10/10  My wife 10/10  The people who made it 10/10  Roe v Wade Civil Court Bullshit the first morning 0/10 

- my daughter started kindergarten and my son started preschool, making me oddly sentimental or emotional with turning 40 during the same summer.  Yup.  All of this.  We're very proud parents of our kids.  Our daughter already does piano, soccer, dance, swimming and she's embraced it all.  We'll never overwhelm or force her to do too much, so if she's done with any, yeah sure, but she is crushing all of that and then starting kindergarten?  Rock star.

Our son is in swimming, gymnastics and really wants to start soccer and I have an inkling he wants to be a drummer.  And now he is starting preschool and learning so much.  Rock star.  

I actually pulled them from their daycare at the end of June and had our awesome neighbors two girls watch them at my home while I worked.  I'm 100% glad I got the opportunity to hang with them all summer before such big events in their life.  Now they are off for their own crazy experiences and we can't wait to see all of it.  

My kids 10/10  This summer 10/10  The sudden realization that I'm 40 and got old seemingly overnight 8/10

- oh and I FINISHED MY BOOK!  The book is DONE.  I'm now going through looking for errors, tabulating each person that's in it for a "Cast of Characters" chapter and adding any missing stories I may have forgot about.  It should 100% be done by the end of September and I'm really hoping to get it on Amazon publishing by winter.  If you're reading this, there is a 75% chance you're in the book and a 99% chance you know at least a few of the stories.  

As a treat, since I get paid to write this blog now, thanks Google, I will drop one more teaser at the end of the week with two-three stories.  The creation of Jock Jams and The Mermaid seem good, the other will be a surprise, maybe how Pancheri saved Rat Pack?  We will see.  

Thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman