Thoughts on Parenthood

It's been 19 days since our lives changed with the addition of our beautiful daughter Zoe.  It's also been 19 days of hilarious thoughts that have come in to my head since her arrival in to this world.

I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, but maybe I would've slept a little more beforehand?Regardless, here are some random thoughts on parenthood.  Enjoy.

- no matter where the burp rag goes, she will literally puke milk anywhere else but that damn burp rag.  I am currently typing this with burp juice all over me.

- poop isn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be...speaking of which...

- products for washing your clothes have come a long way!  It's so impressive that you would have no idea that 3 outfits she's about to wear she crapped all over.  The future is now!



- headphones for the "I'm upset cry" may be needed.  My hearing is bad enough, but the decibels that she puts out when she's pissed could double as a tornado alarm.

- the amount of people who flock to a newborn baby are crazy...okay, let's rephrase.  The amount of women who flock to a newborn baby are crazy.  Single friends of mine, feel free to babysit for an hour or two, but you have to pay me per date you get, let's start at $50.

- if you're kid is asleep on you, you can't move, you can't talk, you can't even blink.  She will be waking up...

- on the flip-side of that, if you are in a public place where it's loud as hell, she won't wake up.  What kind of cruel joke is this!?  She is now 4 for 4 on us eating at a restaurant.

- sleeping sucks, but I expected part of it, with the crying and feeding and changing of diapers.  I didn't expect to wake up when I hear zero noise.  Oh, I just put my child to sleep thirty seconds ago and she's not making a noise?  Well shit, I better go see if she's alive.  Then repeat process about 2-15 more times throughout the night.



- my baby farts louder than I do.  She is going to kill me for putting this fact up in about 12-14 years.

- I elaborated on this last week, but having a kid has really upped the re-watching of movies I haven't seen in years, or seen at all.  It's 1 AM, am I going to watch No Strings Attached?  Sure Natalie Portman is delightful!  The Blind Side?  I guess.  Twilight?  Okay, I won't even succumb to that garbage.

- I have now been peed on more times in my life (2-3 times I thought?) than I ever thought...I think I discussed that in my last blog, but I don't remember because....

- parent brain is real.  I wrote a blog I think a week ago?  But it feels like 8 weeks.  What day is it?  No clue.  If ESPN didn't constantly hype the Super Bowl, I would probably forget about it this Sunday (go Falcons).  Or even know what month it is.  I am in living fear of the day daylight savings time happens.

I'm not used to this since I'm always prepared and have everything scheduled.  I feel it'll start to normalize soon, but until it does, I better get going, I have Christmas presents to buy (is it Christmas?!).

Thanks for reading,

Jeff Kleeman

Fatherhood

I have now been a father for over a week.  Let me repeat that again if that first sentence didn't seem believable.  I have now been a father...FOR OVER A WEEK!

It's awesome.  It's one of the craziest/amazing/awesome experiences of my life.  So the following are going to be things I have learned from the past week.  Maybe a story thrown in here and there.  So enjoy the read!

* Disclosure, plan to not share my daughters photo on this blog, and sparingly on Facebook is working great.  So no photos on here for a long time, sorry baby picture enthusiasts.  And Facebook friends, she will be put up sparingly as planned, which with our experience was probably the reason our kids photo got a large amount of likes.  Less is more.

So let's start with the actual process of the birth.  To you fellow novices out there, it's not like the movies.

Oh man, it is not.  When you initially think about the day of the pregnancy, you think you'll be dodging heavy traffic, while she's yelling at you in the passenger seat, making it to the hospital just in time to meet nurses, waiting at the door.  Then the kid comes out 20 minutes later.  The end.

Ha, it doesn't happen that way, besides the wife yelling at your driving part.  It was a process for sure, that's for sure.  And ladies, not that I didn't respect you before (except the Kardashian's, no respect for them, except you Kylie), but wow, you are tough.  My wife birthed a 9 pound 11 ounce kid.  I'm typing this now, crying because I have to poop really, really bad.  That's impressive.

Not only that, an epidural seems like a torture that James Bond would have to endure.  I'd rather take take a laser to the nuts, or sharks with laser beams on their head, rather than experience the pain my wife went through with that.

The actual birth was memorable.  It started on 1-11 in room 111, and we hit 11:11 PM...and it kept going.

She was born at 12:13 AM on 1-12.  So if you like the classics Peaches & Cream and It's Over Now by 112, it's an easy birthday to remember (I'm such a fanboy)!



I was in the room for the process, the only thing I will share, because it's personal, is that seeing the child peek out of there is the most out of body experience ever.  Seeing a human being you've been talking to through a belly for months, peeking out, about to actually come in the world, it's life changing for sure.  I'd be tearing up right now, but again, I really have to poop.

The funny things I did notice that I will share, are the following:

- pregnant women have no shame.
- the push to get the child out is exactly like the movies, swearing and all
- we had a rock star doctor, who I don't know how she focused on the distractions of one too many people in the room, but she did it.  Hats off.
- we had music playing in the background, thought it'd be cool if she came out to an awesome song, "Best Day of My Life" as an example, but I think she came in to Mumford & Sons, she's such a music snob already.
- That first night I don't think I slept?  I think?  Unless I did.  Actually the next 3 days I didn't much, not complaining, just letting you know, if I have any spelling errors, I'm quite sleep deprived.  I had about 6 1/2 hours of sleep those first three nights, my wife even less.

So those were some observations from that night/day.  Here are some from the following days.

- breast feeding in theory looks easy, again I blame the movies and TV.  You don't just whip it out and they start eating right away, more of a process to it.  So if you happen upon this and get discouraged, it's fine, it happens to all.  Did I know that before?  No.  That's why there should be a Schempp Expose or a Reasoner Roundup or a Coley Calling All Friends (my friends who had kids before me who clearly could've written a weekly humorous blog...you're welcome for the cool names if you ever decide to write one fellas).

- I can now spot nipple cream containers from across the room...just thought I'd share that info.
- you can buy any amount of things that may work to help your child sleep, we got a bassinet that's the bomb...in theory.  But does she like that?  Nah, she likes a hand me down rocker-type thing the most.  It vibrates!

- women love newborn babies, I knew this before, but not to this extent.  If I take my daughter anywhere, she will be smothered by people.  Which is awesome, no complaints, I just hope they washed their hands.

* unrelated, but I bet if my male friends that are single babysat my kid, they could take her to a park or something and INSTANTLY get attention from single women.  I may have to charge them for this magical idea.

- poop comes out of your clothes, milk vomit doesn't....at first.

- black poop is a thing.  Surprisingly poop doesn't gross me out as much as I thought it was going to, but according to my friends, it's that 2 1/2 year old poop you gotta watch out for.

- 3 AM TV isn't too bad, tons of infomercials, SportsCenter and music videos are actually played on MTV.

- you can still do what you did before, just pick your time.  I like video games still, and crushing our Netflix queue.  Exercising sucks, but I like to do it, it's still all possible.  So don't think your life is over.  And yes, you can still go on trips...according to my friends, that idea I will definitely write about when we try that this summer (Chicago!).

- you will find people give unwanted parenting advice, for the good info, take it, lock it up, and keep it.  For the dumb stuff, smile and nod and listen to It's Over Now by 112 in your head, then forget it ever happened.

- your phone will blow up the day you announce.  People you haven't heard from in years, asking how the kid is, maybe shocked you procreated.  The coolest part of the messages we received, people seemingly liked the name of our child (that's the best humble brag of all, because I love the name Zoe).

- my friends in the past year (except Matt) have seemingly only had boys.  You know what that means?  Get in line boys, because they can date our daughter in the future, and we can have shared holiday's and life will be awesome.  Ha, or she'll make her own decisions, probably date at least one guy I dislike until meeting someone awesome...please don't grow up too fast Zoe!

- And finally, I said it earlier, but my wife is a rock star.  The common misconception, when the birth is done, basically all the hard work is done, minus some sleep here and there.  Nah, there's more than that.  There's a lot to it, especially if you want to be a good, involved parent.  But put in the work, because it's the greatest thing I've ever accomplished, that and meeting and marrying my wife, the rock star who seemingly feeds all day, who pushed a child out of her body that weighs approximately the same as a sack of potatoes.  She's amazing, they are both amazing.  I'm a lucky guy.

Thanks for reading,

Jeff Kleeman

Goals

It's 2017, which means a few things.  1.  You have decided that this year you are going to be a new you!  Yeah!!!!



2.  You, 9 days in, have already failed and reverted back to your bad habits.  It's okay!  You are still an awesome person.  And for you, yes YOU, reading this that has kept up on your New Year's resolution, well, the following gif is for you:



What'd you expect?  A douchy gif, showing how upset I am with your accomplishments?  No, that's not me, you do you.

I luckily didn't make any New Year's Resolutions, instead, I'm making a list of things to work on or do better at this year.  Maybe the first thing, and most of you should follow suit since...well because I'm right about this one, stop being so cynical about everything.

Oh, I know it's hard to do, especially with the climate of everything now.  People on both sides being god awful or obnoxious in their beliefs, or posts.  But just try.  Maybe get off the Facebook or Twitter, because it's getting you riled up.  Turn off the news, go for a jog (resolution for some) and relax.
Good will always...trump evil (see what I did there?), so it'll all be better shortly, sometimes things have to get crappy before they get better.  Crap, maybe I better attempt to stop pushing my beliefs at you, that's thing to work on number 1!

So let's get this party started huh?  The following are things that I, Jeff Kleeman, will work at learning/improving/doing for the year 2017.

1. Read above.  But I feel the work I put in to this blog in 2016 wasn't as great as 2014/15.  I can blame moving, a new job, leaving that job that turned in to crap, us expecting a child...I can use any excuse, but I just wasn't feeling it.  You can blame me.

I was getting too upset at idiots I saw posting on Facebook and wanted to write the perfect blog or take down, then would get writer's block when I tried, or had to delete it because it was too nasty.

My opinion isn't going to change how these people think, just like theirs is definitely not going to change the way I do.  So back to the basics of the blog: fun thoughts, 49'ers, pro wrestling, less NES blogs, and in perhaps as little as two days, a lot of thoughts on parenting.

2. Speaking of which, I must keep improving this blog.  I found I hated writing it when I was forcing certain subjects or writing it just to keep consistent with my posts.  Garbage.  This blog is certainly therapeutic, and judging by my numbers, you must like reading it for whatever reason, so I'll make sure not one blog sucks this year.

3. The most important one by far.  I'm going to do everything I can to be an amazing dad.  All I have to do is show up on day one and I'll be a better father than my dad within 1 second of my child's life.

Also, and no offense to those who do, I'm not going to post pictures of my kid just to get internet points.  Or attention.  Special pictures can go up, so friends or family who live far away can see some stuff.  But the thing that annoys me about it, the kids can't even talk yet, and people they don't know can track their every move.  It's weird.  And if you have a lot of Facebook friends, you don't legit know EVERYBODY, some people from college you knew could turn out to be pretty damn creepy in the future, it's been 10 years, a lot can change (I thought Hoobastank was here to last!).

Go on Facebook, right now, I dare you to not find one within one tiny scroll.  It's scary.  One of my best friends sent a photo of his newborn, I like that.  You can even send a text with a picture.  Not every single little thing needs to be documented on social media.  Not everything is worth sharing.

4. Speaking of sharing.  I will continue to make my Facebook experience as enjoyable as possible.

Full disclosure, any political garbage you share, unfollowed, fake news, unfollowed, posting pure garbage, unfollowed.  A repost with that damn old lady who isn't funny, unfollowed.



My Facebook feed is so clean, I'm legit shocked when I scroll through it and some garbage gets in there on how the decrease of nuclear families is making American's less patriotic (who, by the way, was posted by someone who was known for less than PG stunts in college on a consistent basis).

The next step may be unfriending the people, since I've documented how freaking hard it is to quit Facebook.

5.  I gotta read more books.  The time I spend scrolling through imgur and Twitter can be better suited to reading a book.  I've probably read the same "dump" (a dump is a bunch of photos all on one page, shared at once) 3 or 4 times now.  I can probably stand to learn something new.

So 5 seems like a good amount to stop at where I elaborate on what I change.  I think the rest of the way a quick "rapid fire" of all the things to improve on for 2017:

6. Finally start Weeds and Dexter (I've waited since 2011 and have no shows left, hooray!  I am truly somebody!)

7. Keep being a huge fan of the 49'ers, even though they suck, the Michigan Wolverines, even though they are now somehow more hated than Alabama/Nebraska/Ohio St/USC/Notre Dame, and root for the Cubs (I've written a blog about my change from the Mariners to Chicago, I love baseball as a sport to watch, even more so than football, I just really stopped caring about Seattle, plus I hate the Seahawks, so making the change to my NL team was easy), even though the ultimate irony is how much they will be hated now that they are really good.  Also go Bruins?

8. Keep listening to music, new and old, discovering new things.  It's always important, especially with a kid, to expose her to good music.  Limp Bizkit nursery rhymes mixed with Mary Had a Little Lamb.  Sure.

9. Keep exercising and eating right.  So, I just started this eating right thing, with mixed results.  I've never had to diet before, and wow, it's hard.  You can't just eat a slice of pizza for a snack, then have dinner, then ice cream, then a soda.  Also, do you know how many calories are in a soda!?  Jesus.

Losing about 15 pounds is my goal, and it's definitely attainable with eating healthy, doing my workouts, oh and I just got DDP Yoga, and so far, it's really awesome.

10.  I will defeat The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.  It's time to get that monkey from 1994 off of my back.

11.  Start saving for Wrestlemania next year.  Heather, Baby Kleeman, Brad, let's do this.

12.  Going on trips, life is too short.  We'll have a kid with us, but 2-3 trips a year is still doable.  And think of the internet points I can get, I mean, photos I can take!

Well I'm gonna end here, I have a few more goals, but I won't share them here.  2017 is going to be great, there will always be some bumps in the road, but just stay positive.  All you have to do is stop arguing with people on the internet and your year will improve already.

If you have any ideas on how to improve yourself, hell, even others, feel free to respond on this or my FB page.

Thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman