HOvA

Thanks to every single person who read last weeks blog.  It 100% made it worth it to come back.  Did I get some anxiety thinking about the follow up?  No.  Did I change the subject content?  Yes (thanks Karl!)

So this was going to be about social media etiquette.  But it was going to be a stretch to write an entire blog about how I don't actually watch all the Snapchat videos if you post more than four in a row (seriously, just calm it down.  And if you ask why, I'm borderline OCD and if I watch one I have to watch them all...so if you look at your viewers and see I "saw" 27 videos in a row, I did not.  Also that's why I deleted people on Snap, it's too time consuming for my borderline OCD self!).

Also I love when I see people who don't like each other type the crying laughing emoji at the other persons stuff or say "I'm dyyyyyyyying!" and then immediately text their bro about how crappy that person is.  Seriously.  (I hate "I'm dying!" it's just as bad as lol.  Just know if I respond with a haha or any more ha's added on, I legit am laughing.  Also I hope I get some I'm dyyyyyyyying comments on this, please!  Lol).

The other topic in that blog clearly was the Facebook purge, but I don't think it's a good idea to go too in-depth, but I'll explain quickly.  If you want to get to the funny just pass by the italicized part!  

To get my thoughts out of the way, if I deleted anybody I got rid of them because 1. I randomly had a training with you in 2013 and you were super cool, but I don't really want to keep in touch.  And I'm not comfortable with you seeing my kids grow.  2.  You're a friend or acquaintance from college that kinda/sorta/is a racist, sexist, homophobic, or all of the above (raxiphobic!?)  Or we just lost touch...and that's fine!  I'll see you at a future D Days, it's no big deal!  3.  This is the hard to write one.  It's touchy!  I deleted some because I didn't want to argue or feel sad when I logged on Facebook.  It doesn't mean we can't get along in public, but last year I was getting really sad/angry logging in and was just over it, life is hard enough, so I quit Facebook for 2 months.  I got on begrudgingly because I missed my friends, just to notice not as many really use FB anymore so....  

Also the only person I wouldn't publicly like to be around actually deleted ME because he was making fun of people in a group chat for wearing masks and dying from covid, you gotta love that out of a state representative amiright (also leave trans kids alone you dick)?!  So I personally messaged him and told him it's not funny, he replied with a thumbs up emoji, which I could write a blog on how much I hate those, then he deleted me like a wuss.  End of story.  Fin.

And we're back!  And I doubt anyone actually skipped over that, but it is what it is.  So read the next part in a Jon Oliver voice....today we're going to talk about HOA's.  And what exactly that means to me as an adult.  Just kidding, HOA's are perfectly fine.  We're going to be discussing the best part of being an adult, FACEBOOK NEIGHBORHOOD GROUPS (and why being an adult is weird)!!!

So being an adult is funny.  The older you get, you realize that literally everyone is just winging it.  Nobody knows what they are doing, let's be honest.  And if you say you do, you're a liar.  Do you know what an escrow is?  I guarantee half of you reading this don't.  But the BEST entertainment is to see how childish and stupid people can be in these neighborhood groups.  

So much arguing and petty crap, it's great!  Some dude had his signs stolen off his front lawn, let's say he was a big supporter of arguably the worst president of all time.  So like a normal adult he goes on and blames a political party for stealing signs when, get this, it was just kids stealing signs.  All of the signs.  No matter the party.  So he blames liberals, but calls them the lib part with tards at the end (what a horrible word by the way, can you just not?) and buys a flag so his sign doesn't get stolen.  A gynormous flag of his candidate, then brags about it...like a child.  Also who buys a flag as an adult of a person!?  

And the Karen's...oh the Karen's who go on and complain about kids walking at night...who must've forgot at one point they were kids walking at night.  Have you seen these hooligans walking through the neighborhood at 8:45 PM tonight!?  They are ringing doorbells and running away!  THE TYRANNY!  This joke is for my newfound friend Taylor, but kids used to light literal crap on fire and put it on doorsteps, you're fine.  

I feel bad for anyone named Karen who is actually nice, because there are so many awful people who have ran with that name.  Someday I would like to explore why some older people are the way they are and why the boomers ruined things for everyone...I'd be afraid to type that part, but they can't find their Wi-Fi password to get online anyway so....

I think the craziest part of being an adult was I foolishly thought adults would be more mature when I was younger.  But they aren't.  The majority of you work who are reading this.  How much drama and workplace gossip goes on that could be entirely avoided?  Are people super bored or do they need the drama to make their life mean something? 

I have amazing work stories...that I'll share at some point that just don't sound real.  That's how dramatic they are.  And it boggles my mind.  Just go work.  It makes me tempted to write a Kleeman Report how I used to, and just go all out.  For the people from the beginning who got the email version of the Kleeman Report, remember those days?  My next blog I'm going to share a random (safe) edition of those and see the differences.  Yes, that's my next blog.  

I'm going to leave on that note, with the anticipation of you, the reader, wondering what happened in 2007 to my group of friends.  Get your flip phones, crank some T Pain and get your best Ed Hardy gear, we're going back in time.

Til next time.

Jeff

I'm Back

 

Hi!  I'm Jeff, remember me?  I used to write a blog called The Kleeman Report (then just Kleeman Report...I may have let my domain name lapse, long story, but I bought it back so...we're good!).  I love writing.  I love thinking of funny crap to talk about.  But the past few years...

I have done 3 blogs since 2019.  3.  Blogs.  That's insane right?  I love writing, so what happened exactly?  Kids, I'll blame the kids.  It's strictly the kids fault.  It's not that the past 2 years have been absolutely bonkers.  Covid.  Political stuff (don't worry this blog isn't political).  Moving to a new city/state/zip.  Writers block was a definite issue.  Binge watching TV shows and watching movies to unwind (we have 8 streaming services, we're in a golden age of television).  Hanging with my spouse during "the kids are sleeping" times.  Reading an actual book (I'm reading East of Eden right now, it's insanely good, so far I give it 9/10 Jeff's).  Dealing with a pseudo mid-life crisis (isn't everybody these days?).   

Okay so it was all of the above MINUS the kids...although using kids as an excuse to get out of doing things are one of the biggest perks of having them.  I just haven't had the drive to write these blogs the past two years.  Even writing a Facebook post that might be controversial or opinionated gets texts sent my way wanting to argue or say I'm wrong.  I legit went through Facebook and deleted half of my friend list.  I'll explain more on that in a later blog, but I just haven't had the drive to write.  

But then last week I thought of something funny concerning parenting and I really wanted to write about it.  Then I thought of more funny stuff.  And I was like, "Crap, I have enough for a blog!".  Then a week later I finally found time to write about it while my kids are sleeping.  You can't rush brilliance!  So I'm back.  The Kleeman Report is back.  I'm going to have some fun again.  

I now give you...the original title I was going to name this blog...it's what my album name would be as a parent:

My Car Smells Like Puke ft Poop

*anytime I post a blog about parenthood to be funny, there's always someone who always thinks I'm serious.  Just come here to laugh folks.

So my car smells like puke (not poop so much...at the moment).  The funny thing is I actually don't mind.  Is that weird?  So after I drop my kids off to daycare, I miss them right?  And I open up my car door and just the best damn puke smell money can buy.  But seriously, the craziest thing about parenthood is my ability to not be grossed out by anything.  Poop.  Puke.  Boogers.  I have developed super powers and cannot be stopped.

Speaking of super powers, children's television sure is something right?  So the shows aren't as bad as people think.  Plus if you don't plop them in front of a TV constantly (oh I'm judging lazy parents, damn right I am) they actually kinda just chill and get quiet.  So crank that Baby Shark.  Get Fancy with Nancy.  Get me that Coco Melon...super power number two, I have memorized every single theme song from these shows.  They will never leave me.  Vampirina?  I got that down.  Team Oomizoomi?  Sure.  I collect classic vinyl's, let's get a "best of" children's themes right now.  

So one super power I don't have.  Patience with laundry.  Does laundry ever end?  I would hate to have it calculated how much I've done laundry in the past 4 years, but I'm going to expect it's been 5 months minimum.  I should just hire someone to do my laundry, but that's not a thing is it?  I'm an adult!

But seriously what is a Coco Melon?  Or a Pinkfong?  Why didn't my friends and I come up with something like this years ago?  I can combine two things that don't make sense, here's a couple names, someone can steal them I don't care:

- PillowFart

- RandomWhy

- WestBanana

- Doobie Smacker

- Social Downfall

Also I never thought I'd say this because I love music so much.  But when my kids are at daycare and I'm randomly home, or they are asleep...oh my god the best noise is pure quiet.  I would rather hear absolutely nothing, no noise, then the new Glass Animals album right now...and I freaking love Glass Animals.  And so do my kids actually.  Winning.

Kids who are having tantrums are essentially the same as your buddy who is black out drunk.  

"Come on bud, just go take a nap...sleep it off and you'll be fine."

"I know you're hungry, but you don't need anymore pizza.  Maybe have some water?"

"No, you can't put on a tutu over another tutu while wearing a tutu on your head...and where did you get so many tutus?!"

Also I think the funniest thing about being a parent is dinner time.  Kids at dinner time are like me looking for a snack late at night.  I'm really hungry but nothing sounds good.  

Speaking of hungry, I'm about to go figure that out, so thank you for reading!  This felt nice.  This was a good test run for my soon to be award winning blog about social media and why it sucked the life out of me the past few years.  It will be more unfiltered like the old blogs, so that'll be really good AND really bad.

Maybe I'll do some of those fun music blogs after that, I think I need to do a Best/Biggest/Favorite with Ras and cover either Kriss Kross or Van Halen's best song...but the only answer for both is Jump.  

Thanks everybody!

Jeff