Table for Six: Redux

A few weeks ago a blog I had written came up called "Table for 6" which I wrote in 2016.  A lot has happened since then, but if you want to check it out, it's right here: Table for 6.  My apologies for any broken links or photos not showing up, it's a 5 year old blog and I don't feel like going in to fix it.  

Now clearly a lot has happened since 2016 on my list as well as a lot of others chosen for their lists.  A lot of people got cancelled, came out as racist/sexist/homophobic/horrible or something as simple as thoughts and opinions changing over time.  Hey, remember when Amy Schumer was funny!?  Also some of my jokes didn't age well either, nothing horrendous thankfully, but clearly now that I'm older and wiser some of my jokes are cringy in that blog...is cringy a word?!

So clearly my original list has changed, here is the original: 

1. George Clooney

2. Bill Murray

3. Will Ferrell

4. Chris Pratt

5. The Rock

So looking at that list I wanted to go out and laugh and get drunk, so basically hanging out with my friend group.  I would only eliminate Pratt because fame seems to have gone to his head and Ferrell, simply because there's others I'd want to hang with over him now.  So here is my updated list:

1. George Clooney

2. Bill Murray

3. The Rock

4. Ryan Reynolds

5. Paul Rudd

I do notice, with the exception of Murray, this is also a lot of of hall pass lists for the women and men out there.  So just a bunch of us good looking guys going out and getting drunk with some laughter.  

So now that my new list is up, there are some issues, problems.  Why do they all have to be actors?  Why can't they be athletes or politicians?  For starters, athletes that I would choose probably wouldn't be that interesting for a night out, let's do a top 5 for that.

1. Michael Jordan

2. Ken Griffey, Jr.

3. Jerry Rice

4. Kyle Orton

5. Dennis Rodman

So it'd be a fun night, but I feel most would watch what they eat besides Orton and some wouldn't want to get too crazy besides Rodman...and okay, Orton as well.  When it comes to politicians, it would be a classy affair, but it would ultimately end in arguments, cocaine, and some sort of scandal, so basically like parties in college (unless you haven't grown up and never will).  

Living politicians I would go out with?  Oh man, there's like 3 I find interesting, but let's do it.

1. Barack Obama

2. AOC

3. Bill Clinton

4. George Bush

5. Donald Trump....surprised!?

Clearly this night would be horrendous.  I only say Bush because you know he parties and he's a typical rich kid so he's going to try to impress constantly and pay for things.  Trump, only added for how insane it would be.  What rants would he go on?  How many times would he bring up that he won when he didn't?  Or clearly he knows he lost and he's just being a fuck?  Who would he con to pay for the bill and when would him and Clinton sneak out to do blow and get hookers with their pal Eff Jeppstein who looks oddly like...okay I'm gonna get out of this scenario.

Also you may have noticed a lack of women so far, with just AOC making the list.  There's a few women that were close to making the cut.  Let's start with list 1, list of super awesome women I'd like to go out with and have some drinks.

1. Tina Fey

2. Kristen Wiig

3. Becky Lynch

4. Milana Vayntrub

5. Lady Gaga

I think that'd be a fun time, also Milana Vayntrub is the AT&T girl, but she has pretty like minded views like myself, follow her on Twitter, she seems great even though she works for AT&T which is an evil ass corporation supporting fake news.

Now for the semi sexist part, the hall pass part (I FINALLY GOT TO THIS BLOG IDEA!!  IT'S BEEN YEARS IN THE MAKING!).

1. Milana Vayntrub (SECOND SHOWING!)

2. Emilia Clarke

3. Alison Brie

4. Jessica Chastain

5. Kat Dennings

Music entertainers are clearly missing as well.  That's easy, I'm just not that interested in them for reasons I'll describe after.

1. Paul McCartney

2. Ringo Starr

3. Eminem

4. Jay Z

5. Justin Timberlake

Clearly the Beatles would be fun to talk to, maybe Eminem for a bit, he's funny.  After that it's a stretch, there has to be more interesting than Jay and JT, but I don't know.  

You know who I would love to go out with?  Wrestlers.  Here's my list.  

1. Kevin Owens

2. CM Punk

3. Bryan Danielson

4. Alexa Bliss

5. Jon Moxley

All time wrestling list?

1. Stone Cold Steve Austin

2. Ric Flair

3. Bret Hart

4. The Rock

5. Vince McMahon

Have I covered each version of entertainment besides adult entertainment and internet celebrities (same thing)?  If I missed any I might add to this blog later, but I think we did it, besides Jeff in 1996's top 5, let's see how this has aged!

1. Jennifer Aniston

2. Kathy Ireland

3. Tiffani Amber Thiessen

4. Michael Jordan

5. Jim Carrey

Close omissions, Macho Man Randy Savage and 2 Pac....two great rappers.  

Maybe top 5 celebrities I've met that I'd like to go out with?

1. Jerry Rice

2. Dolph Ziggler

3. January Jones

4. Coolio

5. Tech N9ne

I can't wait to revisit this list in 5 years, I really, really hope nobody in my top 5 ends up sucking, or maybe Chris Pratt becomes cool again?  Also sincere apologies to Bill Hader who always JUUUST misses my list.  

Feel free to type your list on FB or below, these are always fun to look at.  Until next time!

Jeff Kleeman

Oh...let's do a bottom 5 list of people I never want to interact with ever:

1. Tucker Carlson

2. Flo from Progressive

3. Donald Trump, Jr.

4. Bono

5. Urban Meyer

Parental Non-Advisory

 

I love this title.  It was going to be fuck daylight savings time, which was the reason for "parental advisory" but then I didn't want to sound like I'm giving parenting advice.  If you're watching your kid and helping them learn and develop and you have a roof over their head, you're doing just fine.  

Nope this article will be about parental observations because I haven't done one of these blogs in so long.  Reason I haven't written my blog in a while?  I'm writing my book!  It's an autobiography about my life.  Am I famous?  No.  Do I have great stories?  Yes.  Do I hope to make some money off of it and send it to a producer who I share the same name with and then have him option the rights to it and I make even more money off of it to pay off our student loans?  Maybe.  Here's parenting stuff I wanted to write about.

Daylight Savings is the worst.  We all know this.  It's definitely not needed anymore and it needs to go.  Either keep the fall back or the spring forward time and fucking GET RID OF IT.  It's great if you're in your 20's and you get an extra hour to get drunk and sleep in.  It's great if you're not a parent, but like, sort of.  It's cool to get that extra hour, but then it throws off your day.  Then when it gets warm you lose an hour anyway.  How is that fair?  Fuck daylight savings.  

Potty training a boy vs a girl is insanely different.  Girls just go right away.  No issues, at least for us.  Boys.  He's been potty trained since July.  But boy does he love poop in his pants (Leo when you read this in the future, I hope you have stopped by then).  The reason I'm writing about this is...well it was funny and gross lol.  You ever garden or do something outside and get mud stuck in your finger nail?  Yesterday I got poop stuck in my finger nail.  It was quite the surprise.  He had to poop, I didn't know there was poop in his pants, damn thing flew in the air and I caught it like a baseball, a little too well.  But yeah, if parenting has done anything to me, it's made me not get sick to my stomach on poop and puke, so that's a win. 

Daycare.  Daycare is great and crappy at the same time.  I love it because if you get a good one it's great.  The kids learn things.  Make friends.  That's awesome.  The crappy part?  The daycare cold.  Then we, the parents get it.  Then the kid gets sick at daycare and they can't go to daycare where they initially got sick.  Also, and I'll deal with this a lot more when I get older, shitty parents are the worst.  Daycare providers reading this, you know exactly the kind I'm talking about.  Also daycare should be free and the employees should make more money.  That's 1 of 100 things wrong with everything right now.  Tax the rich.  Pay for daycare.  Student loans.  Education.  Raise the minimum wage.  Term limits.  Wait, I thought this was about kids?

Halloween is the best.  For every single age.  0-12.  Trick or treating, free candy.  13-18.  Parties, I'm assuming.  Or put on a costume and still go, who cares?  18-25.  College parties.  26-34 adult parties.  35-58 adult parties or hand out candy to trick or treaters which is fun or go out with your kids and get UNLIMITED FREE CANDY AS AN ADULT.  We won't go past 58 but I'm guessing handing out candy is pretty cool to kids, but old people always hand out the shittiest candy.  So listen up my generation, full size candy bars if you can afford it or at worst the bag with Baby Ruth's in them.  

Back to the free candy.  I haven't had this many Kit Kat's in years...and I love that.  Thanks people!

Another thing that's true for all ages.  Food shaped as things tastes better.  Mac and cheese?  Yeah it's good.  Mac and cheese in the shape of Spongebob?  Give me more.  Same goes for sandwiches.  Cut those things up, even in a triangle, boom tastes better.  You cut them in to stars and circles?  Holy shit, gourmet.  

When do bubbles lose their appeal?  Maybe bubbles start to suck at like age 7?  But man do kids f'ing love bubbles.  I walked in to my son's daycare last week and they were just sitting around a bubble machine, watching it like I used to watch movies in college when I was inebriated.  I don't get it.  

Movies now are crazy.  And shows.  Imagine having to wait like we did to watch a show.  Or rent it?  Now when the kids want to watch something, it's instant access.  Lucky jerks.  If I wanted to rent Ladybugs I had to go to the video store like a not normal 9 year old and pay $1.  Also, I have no idea why I liked that crappy movie so much.  Speaking of movies.  How are there 4 Chipmunk movies!?  Didn't we get it after movie one?  Did we really need 3 more to help us progress the story of Dave and how he made friends with singing chipmunks and then used them and their talent?  After the book is done, I might review children's movies, or movies in general from a realistic point of view.  I'll call it, "Why?".

I think that's it for me.  I won't write another of these for a while because I have a goal to finish this book by December 31st.  After that, meh we'll see.  Have a great day everyone.  And screw leap year.  

Jeff

Washing Clothes (Everyone is Faking It)

*This has been written for weeks, but I've been sitting on it.  But here we go!

I've been stuck on a blog topic for the past few weeks....and here's why.  There's only so much I can write about...feeling that all I do is wash clothes as a parent.  

I literally do 3 things in life.  1.  Parent.  2.  Complain about a lack of sleep even though it's a sufficient amount.  3.  Wash clothes.  Where was that advice in the parenting handbooks that I read!?  (Yes, I read 2 parenting handbooks, front to back.  I also read a "baby-led weaning" book.  I also have one more downstairs that I got as a gift from my aunt and uncle for when the kids get older.  Hint, most of these books have very useful advice...hint again, you will really follow none of it.  Don't even get me started on baby-led weaning).    

I got clothes duty at the house, I don't usually mind.  What I do mind is that with 2 kids who are a combined 60 pounds seem to quadruple the amount of laundry we have.  It's so MONOTONOUS. 

In between washing clothes, you parent.  Parenting is hard.  So when I see a person giving me advice on how to talk to a screaming toddler...I listen, I thank this guy/girl for their wisdom in my head....and then I literally forget everything I was just told.  Everyone is faking it.  In fact...I will right now put that in parenthesis in the title of this blog...(Everyone is Faking It).

You can take that however you want.  Parenting, marriage, work?  Everyone is faking it...well almost everyone.  If you're trying and actually spending time with your kid, you are doing great.  If you're spending actual time with your significant other, not cheating on them or being a dick, fantastic job.  Work?  Work is third most important, it should definitely not be your first two, but if you're trying and not setting a place on fire, I think you're doing pretty good...trust me, I've had a lot of jobs!  But overall, just being a good person will get you far in life.  This everyone...is faking it...in a good way ;)

So this blog really won't have a specific topic...not that it ever does?  How about I get in to some random thoughts?  

*upon completion of this blog, it DEFINITELY has a specific topic.  

- I hate covid and want it to go away.  

- Why does everyone with a "If you don't like this country, get out!" t-shirt always tuck it in?  And wear sunglasses that are too small for their face?

- I really wish I could take my kids places without worrying they will get sick from this f'ing pandemic.  I wish more parents, and people honestly, felt the same.  

- Why does everyone with a "If you don't like this country, get out!" t-shirt always wear it on a super hot day?  They are predominantly black shirts.  It's not really good for the ol' body temp.  Black does hide pit out stains I guess, but it doesn't hide your beliefs.  Also these shirts have so much writing on them!  It's like a No Fear shirt without the irony. 

- I really wish politicians wouldn't suck.  Both sides suck, sure, but one side likes to believe January 6th was a pleasant day for tourism.  Hates masks.  Really hates science and women's rights.  Doesn't understand HPAA.  

- Global warming is real and there's seemingly nothing we can do about it because of idiots, greedy idiots, assholes, or greedy idiot assholes.  In 20 years the climate is supposed to be drastically different, I'll be 59, I'm 3/4th's done at that point, but my kids will just be getting started.  How beyond f'd up is that?  Where was that in the parenting book...here's my entry:

"You will get anxiety about your kids future about things that are out of your control.  War?  Global warming?  Terrorism?  The Kardashian's coming back?  Another pandemic if this one doesn't fucking go away?  Boys?  Girls?  College?  If you are thinking of having kids, think about what life will be like in 20 years, that's my fucking parenting advice."

- Why does anyone wear a "If you don't like this country, get out!" shirt in public?  Just makes me think you're a trash person looking for an argument.  Also your hall pass is probably Lauren Boebert...which, yeah sure I guess?  At least it's not MTG...(note to self, how to write a non-offensive hall pass article?  I mean Emilia Clarke is probably my answer now that the AT&T girl got a weird haircut, or Margot Robbie).  

Story time.  Last winter our kids had swimming lessons.  And there was a mask mandate to get in for all parents.  It was in the emails/texts/on the door.  Everyone followed it.  Except one guy.  My nickname for him was January 6th, I kept wanting to ask him how the trip was to DC.  And he was always smirking!  So let's get deep here (that's what she said).  My biggest disappointment in becoming an adult, is realizing that some people never fully become one.  

Also nobody ever confronted him about it.  A) because they were on his side, but actually following the rules because we were in a business where, you know, people should follow the rules.  Or B) nobody wanted to get in to a confrontation/argument at their kids swimming lessons (this would be me).  

Growing up I stupidly thought people got smarter as they got older.  Whether it was learning from mistakes they'd made.  Realizing what their parents taught them were wrong.  Maybe just getting education or being put in a different circumstance could help them learn as people, being accepting of others.   It's how you get more well rounded as an individual, making friends with people that don't have the same...anything...as yourself.  No, all of these people grew up to not wear masks and make fun of people for getting a vaccine to help them live.  Social media definitely doesn't help.  Technology really f'd us on misinformation but really helped (un-f'd us?) on figuring out who the people were that we didn't need in our life. 

I'm still learning to be a better person, human being, husband, dad, Madden player (too many buttons, why did they make it so hard!).  Nobody is perfect.  But in between washing clothes, I need to teach my kids the importance of being kind.  Learning new cultures and lifestyles.  Not being a complete fucking asshole.  You know, the small things.  Most importantly, I need to teach them to not wear a stupid shirt out (or poorly made red hats....or Nazi hats, definitely not something I thought I'd type in 2021...NAZI HATS) in public, meant to start confrontation, menace people, and bully.  

I'm literally tired of logging on to whatever daily social media and being disappointed by yet another story/opinion/event that shouldn't be happening.  I really should rename this blog 98% of people suck, but if you know me, you know I think that already.  I'm incredibly frustrated at the future my kids might have, looking at how bleak it is with the lawmakers who are in charge now, the politicians who don't have your/our/their best interests in mind.  Global warming is a thing.  This pandemic is a thing.  Jersey Shore is still on TV.  What in the living fuck is going on?  

I married a physician, so I've been getting texts or calls since 2012, asking a medical opinion and invading her free time with questions.  But the minute medicine became insanely political and she gives advice that you don't agree with, like wearing a mask and getting a vaccine, you go looking for what you want to hear and sadly it's coming from someone with tiny sunglasses, wearing a shirt that tells you "If you don't like this country, get out!".  Unfortunately that person doesn't know what they are talking about...this would be known as faking it...in a bad way :(

Do better. 

Jeff Kleeman 

Old Friends

The best idea my friend Cory ever came up with was a social media website called, myspacebook.com.  Clearly a nice riff on the CLASSIC website MySpace, combining it with the formerly awesome, now a forever nuisance, Facebook.  (Cory don't kill me!  Plus you own socialdownfall, might as well buy myspacebook.com as well!  Kaaaaaah!).

But now that Facebook sucks, I think it's time for a new social media to hit the scene (oh I'm aware of Snapchat, Instagram, the ill-fated MySpace comeback, Friendster, TikTok, etc...but this new website will eliminate the need for them all!).  So this new website is going to have some ground rules.  I don't want a bunch of the far sides (far left or right) ruining our fun.  Let's call the site oldfriends.com.

Below is what will be needed to join this website.  

- THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE, if you were on Facebook in 2005 up until they let anyone join, you're welcome to join.  You just got automatic entry to this, you're an OG.  Bonus points if you use your college password... jessicaalba4lyfe01...great password.  

- your profile picture must be your first FB profile picture, mine is above!  I clearly hated haircuts and loved thrift stores, think of me as a less white version of Macklemore.  

- we get Tom back from MySpace to be everyone's friend.  

- speaking of MySpace, you have to pick a song for your page, that was bad ass MySpace...I pick Disco Inferno by 50 Cent...it's sentimental, taking me back to a simpler time.  

- a limit on friends and you must put them in order (like MySpace).  If someone you met at a work training adds you on this, they immediately get kicked off due to awkwardness...trust me.  

- poking is back!  But since we're old, by this point instead of a finger, the icon it will be a cane. 

- remember Mafia Wars?  Yeah, it will be highly recommended that everyone has to play that.  

- if you broke up, were broken up with, even if you were first grade sweethearts, you aren't friend.  You know you're looking at your exes shit, stop being weird. 

- we're losing money on this project, don't you worry, I'm paying for your fun, so no ads.  No outside influence.  The only outside influence I want, is when you make an event and it ends up being a total rager, I want the cops to show up like every time we did the same thing in 2006.  

- speaking of losing money, timed mobile access.  We're on our phones enough, laptop, desktop or WEBTV only.  Hey, remember WEBTV?!?  After, oh let's say 10 hours a week, you're booted.  That should suffice...because 10 is a bonkers amount of time to be on one site.  

Next is for the people that want to join.  It's gonna be tough...get your pens and paper out, jot down some notes.  

IF YOU JOINED AFTER EVERYONE GAINED ACCESS.  You have to commit to the following:

- no opinions...about anything.  Just say hi, plan a party or poke me...it's basically college all over again.  

- no links can be shared.  Dangerous game of this developed when FB let the oldies join.  (personal favorite, that helicopters were holding a blanket, covering Mt. Rushmore during a government shut down, this was shared by an adult...who votes...go on, guess who she voted for and her stance on masks).  

- no reposts, ESPECIALLY from a radio station asking you clearly password related questions.  The make and model of my first car PLUS my social security number?  If you insist Power 94.5.  

- you get no picture...I want to like you for who you are...not what you filter.  You get one month to choose the perfect picture...here's what won't get you disqualified.

- tucking your shirt in unless you're in a dress shirt, unless it's ironic.  If you're at a white trash party and you tuck in your shirt in to jorts, sure.  If you're just white trash and tuck your shirt in to jorts...

- anything political, I almost said no to any red hat (including the Cardinals YUCK), but the Fred Durst red hat is back babaaay!  Keep on rollin', you know what time it is!

Then of course rules for staying on the site, your kicked off if you suck.  It'll be put to a vote by who you befriend.  If they think you're being a little off over the top, you can go.  

And that's it!  There's more to add, so if I missed anything let me know.  In other news I've had another blog written for the past week.  It started out as a parenting question as to how I constantly seem to be washing clothes.  Turned in to a motivating "you can do it!" about being parents/spouses/whatever.  Then it turned in to a wtf is wrong with people about the vaccine and masking.  Do I release the blog?  I don't know.  I do know it's going to piss some of you off.  I guess it wouldn't be allowed on oldfriends.com would it?  

Thanks for reading!

Jeff Kleeman

PS I know the numbers of my music posts are garbage, but I need to listen to each of my vinyls and take a break from buying them, so I'm going to listen to 2-4 vinyls a week and do some reviews, cuz why the f not?

This Is 39

 

*DISCLOSURE

I'm an open book, I was originally putting the finishing touches on my blog "Stay Close, Move Far" about my interview with SDPB about moving away from South Dakota.  Then the weirdest feeling hit me, I was writing a blog about South Dakota, writing about how I need to stop writing about South Dakota...so I stopped writing it.  Here's a link if you want to read the interview I had.  

Here is the link: SDPB Link

The reporter did great, she got most of what I stated in there.  I went to school for journalism, dabbled in the TV for a bit as well...you do these interviews to get your story how you want.  We moved for those reasons, among others.  I also said nice things about the people in the state, and I CLEARLY love the state.  It just didn't make it in, which is fine.  But that doesn't need to be covered by me in a very long...very angry...blog.  

If you read this blog, you know my feelings (some don't apparently, I'm just a text away, honestly ask me anything and I tell the truth, weird how that works) about why we moved.  No need to cover it in this blog for the FOURTH time.  The Kleeman Report, sadly, started to gain a lot of steam in college because I, as the kids say, used to spill the tea.  I got away with a lot on the re-read I did, some good, some very bad, and that's not who I am anymore.  You change.  You get older.  You realize drama is dumb and that's why you stay out of it (or not write an angry blog aimed at people who probably won't read this).  I had a lot living rent free (again, as the kids say) in my overactive mind and it's time to let all of that go.  If anything I do or say is in yours, maybe you should let that go too.  Life's short.  Have fun.  Wear shades. 

THIS IS 39

Getting older sure is weird, isn't it?  I got done taking my shower the other day and I realized...there's a gray hair in my eyelash...and this blog idea came to me.  What new things have I noticed?  What is different now in my routine?  Is it spelled grey or gray?  

All of these and more will be in the following, with easy to read bullet-points!!!  Yeah!!!  We all love bullet-points!  Let's go!  Cut 'em up!

• I'm going to do a tie in with what I wrote from above.  Getting older, you just kinda stop caring as much what anyone thinks of you anymore.  It's not good for the brain.  And if you have an imagination like me, anything can just sit in your head for as long as you let it.  I have the bad habit of wanting to have the last word as well, but since I had kids that's just not going to be a thing anymore.  So let people think what they want, I'd rather play cars with my son or do something creative with my daughter.
• Now that the "heavy" part is out of the day.  My eyelashes getting gray was very unforeseen.  Like that's a thing!?  Why!? 
• Everyone, boy or girl, if they are under 25 looks 12.  I got carded buying alcohol the other day and the kid looked like he was on a Nickelodeon show.  The Suite Life of Zack and/or Cody ID'd me and it was surreal...oddly while I was buying cereal.
• Speaking of which!  Cheap brands were always kinda looked down upon when I was growing up, now they are my jam (except for Cinnamon Toast Crunch, not happening).  
• Speaking of which part 2!  Cheap clothes now vs when I was growing up...a 100% improvement.  Walmart or K-Mart clothes back then?  Just pure garbage.  Then they decide to step their game up when I'm in my 30's, where I MUST BUY a Wrestlemania t-shirt because it's freaking dope.
• Oh my god my chest hair is now grey/gray.  
• At 39, you start to feel like a turd to my mom for the above 2 reasons, because honestly food is food.  Sorry mom!  I easily could've enjoyed Dr. Hy-Vee just as much as Dr. Pepper.  They both got their doctorates, take that Mr. Pibb!
• If I don't use a foot cream...my feet look like those of an 80 year old man.  Now my feet look like the feet of a 45 year old man.  Quite the improvement.
• Everything hurts, but then you forget about it, until you think of that body part.  If you're over 32 right now and reading this, think of your neck in your head.  It hurts doesn't it?  Sorry, not sorry.
• I used to be a night owl.  I would even watch James Corden, that's...that's a problem...that is until I had children.  Now 10 PM, get me some news, get me some weather, maybe a chapter in a book and BAM, bedtime by 10:30.  
• I was at the pool last week, hanging with my son while Heather was with our daughter.  A kid under 25 walked by (could've been 12, 16, 18, or 25, I CAN'T TELL!).  Blink 182 was playing..."I love this oldie, it's so good!"...and then, depression set in.  
• Every hair imaginable...is now grey/gray.
• Drinking is so different.  A few things to discuss here.  A drank a lot in college, more than probably 20 of you reading this.  I don't know how I survived.  I was telling a neighbor about mix drink Monday in college.  We had the biggest night on campus at our house, on a Monday night, just drinking liquor.  Playing liquor pong.  Teams of 2-3 splitting a 1.75 of cheap alcohol...and we destroyed it, woke up the next morning and got Pizza Hut lunch buffet, repeat.  The dude was baffled that this was a thing...now just thinking about it, I want to vomit.  
• So before that previous paragraph gets too long, I can have about 5-6 IPA's in a night and not be hung over.  But I might have 2-3 drinks and go out and feel like garbage the entire next day.  
• I could have a few glasses of wine and feel okay...also in my 30's, wine has now become a thing for me.
• Blacking out isn't as cool anymore in your late 30's...it probably...never...was cool to begin with.  I just can't imagine drinking that much again now and then not knowing what I did the night before...I freak out if I forget to lock the door. 
• Fish Oil pills.  
• Dieting is a funny thing.  It sucks and if you are trying to diet I want to let you know it's the hardest thing to do.  Burger King ads with new delicious burgers.  McDonald's has the ice cream machine working.  Tacos.  Sushi.  Meat.  All of it is so good and it's constantly on TV.  I'm not currently dieting, but I've tried to watch what I eat...it's insanely difficult.
• I say the above because I got rid of dairy for a week, and my body felt great...but I love cheese.  I literally cannot live without cheese.  I found a substitute, it was good, but if I kept buying it kiss one of my kids savings accounts goodbye, it's that expensive.  So back on the cheese.  

I honestly could keep going, but I like the length of this (that's what she said) blog.  Not too long, definitely not too short.  If you have any funny observations, feel free to share.  Until next time.

Jeff Kleeman

Planes, Trains and All of the Feels

 

Let me tell you about vacations, they are amazing.  They are exhausting.  They are expensive.  They give you memories that will last a life time.  (Also I almost named this blog Napa Know How, but I thought the word play was better with this). 

Last December, we had the idea to book a trip to wine country in June.  We were REALLY hoping things would be better by then, luckily things are...well sort of better.  On our plan for this trip, we were lucky to talk one of our better friend couples, The Coley's, in to coming, and wouldn't you know it, they said yes!

This vacation was so good, so interesting, and so silly, I thought it would make the perfect topic for a Kleeman Report.  Let's begin!

WEDNESDAY

Vacations, especially for parents of young children, are a silly thing.  You book the vacation MONTHS in advance, wanting to get some much needed rest, maybe get a little drunk, and definitely be able to do things at a different location past 8 pm (on the west coast it would've been a bed time/hotel hang out of 6 PM if we brought the kids).  So we got to do all of those things, but you miss your kids incredibly bad (if you're a good parent anyway) so when we left at 4 AM on Wednesday morning I felt incredibly guilty for leaving the kids (with their grandparents btw, they can't fend for themselves until the oldest is 7...just kidding).  

Also driving an hour to the airport at 4 AM, downing a coffee energy drink has got to be the absolute worst thing for my health.  First, way less sleep.  Second, I just inhaled whatever the hell they put in that energy drink which, third, leads to the shakes lol.  If I would've been pulled over, I would've told whoever pulled me over I was wasted JUST so I didn't have to drive anymore.  

Back to the airport, so airports are always weird and they always suck.  That's just my opinion (my spot on opinion).  You take a bunch of people and throw them in a little tin can of a place and watch anarchy ensue.  Add in the stress of doing this STILL during a pandemic.  Sprinkle in some "people have always sucked, but now they are 10x worse after the last year".  Then throw in tired/excited for their trip and you have a recipe usually for disaster.  LUCKILY, this first part was fine...for us.  The Coley's got delayed at a different airport, which is always the absolute worst (more on this later) for the people and the people meeting them (luckily this part ended up fine for us as well).

Layover in Phoenix, then off to the San Fran airport.  I'm a 49'ers fan, this is known.  Biggest observation of the airport?  There is literally no 9'ers swag at the airport.  Just nothing.  Every airport has a ton of stores showing off their local team.  The Phoenix airport had a Suns shirt so cool, I debated making them my second favorite team (still, go Bulls).  But San Fran?  Nothing.  Doesn't exist.  Also if you want to eat, good f'ing luck doing it after you get your bags.  So we hadn't ate since the previous day, it was now noon'ish and the only, the ONLY PLACE, to get any food was a Starbucks, luckily located by the baggage claim for our delayed friends, the Coley's.  Now for the rental car!

Rental cars suck.  Trust me I used to work at Enterprise, they suck.  You don't get the insurance, you don't need it, but question if you should've gotten it the whole time...even though you don't need it.  Then they have all these hidden fees, especially in California with them damn troll tolls.  Other than that, absolutely solid time with our Mitsubishi family car.  

Our time in San Fran wasn't long, but we did happen to stumble to the Wharf.  We had been there years ago with another couple (the Pew's) but nothing had really changed besides more masks (by about 99% more).  Just a bunch of tourist traps, seafood and NO 49'ERS GEAR ANYWHERE!  It's literally my birthday in days, come on.  

So wine country, Napa...  I love (still do after writing this!).  Is it overpriced?  Yes, but everything is overpriced, even the McChicken is now overpriced.  The only thing that honestly sucked was getting there.  Here's a fun fact I learned, there is nowhere to pee in San Fran.  So Napa is very, very close, so I decide to hold my pee...here's also what I learned...if you hold your pee long enough you start to lose feeling in your toes and fingers.  Yeah, that happened lol.  

The resort we stayed at was legit fantastic.  Do I remember the name?  No, but if you really want to know you can message me and ask, then I'll ask my wife or Gina (cuz David probably can't name it either lol), then let you know.  

Also we decided on Napa in June because the temps are normal.  I forgot to mention that.  The temps are normal...they are usually normal....they aren't normal, it was over 90 the entire time, hitting triple digits each day except the last.  So there was some sweat.  But everywhere we booked was outside.  So this is the only vacation I've ever lost weight because as I was eating, it was instantly sweating out of my body.  

Also I love the West Coast for two reasons, sports are on way earlier.  And when I visit 8 PM is 10 PM and I have no issues going to bed.

THURSDAY

WINE TRAIN DAAAAAAAY.  One of the most fun things I've ever done.  So this is a train that you get on, drink some wine, eat some food in courses, then in between go to wineries and drink more wine.  Napa is one adult drunk fest and I'm here for that.  

A few things from this day, I'll make it seem shorter by writing it this way:

- it's known I love chatting up people, especially on vacation.  Our table bonded with 3 ladies from the Dominican Republic, initially by singing the classic "C'Mon and Ride It (The Train)" by the Quad City DJ's. then getting IN to the friend zone with all of them through our love of Keith Sweat "Nobody".    They later on bought me a whiskey and I think a birthday dollop of gelato.

- the train broke down I think 3-4 times, at the time it sucked, until I realized it got us more time on the train and we got to know some of our fellow passengers.  Our two tables in the back got the train going so much that we all ended up getting a dance party started in the outside portion.  Still got it.  

- I had some favorites on the train.  One was a guy who came with his grandma, he was super shy, then at the end busted out some dance moves with the loudest lady from the D.R. to the amazement of everyone, except his grandma (that bitch new he had game).  I was also convinced Mark Sanchez was on our train, and he was the biggest wet blanket until the end, and I'm convinced it's because he was racist until he got drunk.  Also the guy whose girlfriend I kept calling Katy Perry was fun, hint...she didn't remotely look like Katy Perry.  

- the history of Napa is incredible, each place having a different story is just so cool to me.  I'm not going to recap any of it, because this is long enough, but I highly suggest going and just visit any winery, chat them up, and get some great stories from them.  

FRIDAY

Winery day.  We did three this day.  Here's a good observation made by someone that might have been me: "It's not buzzed driving if you're a parent, the cops know".  I was only half kidding ;)

*edit cuz I'm not deleting any of the above, my wife said it was two wineries this day, we had a massage that morning.  I f'ing love massages, this one was one of those that really hurt but got rid of whatever has been living in my back for the past year.  It was incredible.  When it ended, I definitely was not happy.  

*edit cuz I'm not deleting that last joke...that joke never works and I only think it's funny, so it stays.

The first winery was fine, we just noticed that women love to raise their leg and move their hip in every picture, so I had to contribute with David.

The second winery really changed my perspective on wine and really made me think about life.  I'm completely serious.  I don't remember the name of the place, but you drove up a hill for what seemed like a half hour, but then you got this view.  

- I found out what a sommelier was on this trip.  That's a job.  Drink wine and talk about it.  Doing taste tests like it's the Pepsi challenge, but for wine.  They make bank and get to have mustaches, what a life!

- Wine being a moment in life makes sense, I'm not some wine snob because I can't name a single one besides Relax.  But trying different wines from different years, but the same kind of wine...and they taste different was pretty cool.  Or hearing how it's farmed.  And how if you farm differently can help prevent global warming.  Just a lot of cool things to digest.  

- also it was really hot.

SATURDAY

I'm not going to recap everything on this vacation.  Three wineries on this day.  The first one gave us like 8 glasses and we didn't pay (thanks Izzy!).  The second one had a girls bachelorette party...so more pictures with legs raised (I'm used to those at a bachelor party...WAYO!!!).

Also I love these vacays with friends.  I can't talk enough about how awesome the Coley's were on this trip.  Just adventures during the day.  By night some wine while watching a basketball classic between the Bucks and the Nets.  Then sleep.  Hell yeah, let's do another.  Next time let's add a third couple for two more adventurers!

SUNDAY

Sort of the last day of the vacation.  These days are weird cuz you're in this dead zone of what to do.  You pack if you're a planner like all four of us are.  So then you try to do things to kill time because if you read above, we're all exhausted by this point.  We had one more visit to this dessert place in this town, then to buy $200 fried chicken for lunch.

Somehow on this trip we haven't filled up the gas tank once, which was nice, so we put in $8 and went to the coolest town in the country, Sausalito!

* I copied and pasted that from 2015 when we went, I thought that then, Sausalito is still really cool, but man I was either exhausted or tired of spending money by this point.  Plus, get this, Sausalito is right outside of San Fran...NO 9ERS SWAG! 

The only advice I would give, we didn't get dinner because all of us were so full and tired of food and wine, I had a cheeseburger a half hour before I went to sleep that night.  That was a bottom 5 moment all time for me.  It's this list, in no order:

1. Eating a cheeseburger 30 minutes before bed as a man in his late 30's (birthday next week!).

2. Dying my hair blonde once.  

3. Dating one girl in college who thought it was cool to say teh (pronounced TAY) instead of the word the (pronounced exactly how it's spelled).

4. Working for USD in 2016.

5. Trying to finish a gallon of milk in under an hour...twice.

MONDAY

Flight day!  The best/worst day.  You're tired.  You want to get home.  You're smelly (admit it).  You're sick of spending money.  And we REALLY missed our kids.  

I also saved this part for last because it was a fun trip, so the last thing I want to do is complain about a cool trip we got to take during a pandemic, but dear lord do people suck.  Either I'm getting older now and just cranky, or people are 10x worse since all this pandemic/political crap.  Things that annoyed me on this trip, mostly at the airport:

- the people who were wearing "fake" masks.  Just F off.  I had to wear my mask for 14 straight hours.  I did it because it's what we were told to do, it's the right thing to do at the airport (even if vaxed), and the fact you went through all that work to wear a mask all day, but the wrong kind on purpose shows you're more of an idiot than anything.  

- selfish ass people.  So we were trying to catch a quick layover and this guy at the front of the plane wasn't listening to the flight attendant to sit down so we could land.  He was reorganizing his bags and his kids stuff, wearing headphones and not listening to anybody.  So of course when it was time to get off the plane, who was the asshole taking as long as possible to get his stuff out and organize it while people were waiting behind him?  That dick.

- if you're glass half full like me...which I'm barely hanging on to these days, you can take a lot out of the last year and the improvements that have/can be made off of the last year.  Airports and airplanes need to change their shit.  Bigger seats, cheaper prices, more options of how and where to fly.  Actually following through with restrictions for fellow passengers and not being afraid of far left or far right Karen's (also we need a new term, I've met some super nice Karen's lately, one on our tram to get to our connecting flight!).  

Other than airport related things it was a super great trip, with some great friends at a place everyone should attempt to visit at some point, but the best part....was seeing my kids.  After the delay of course.

Oh delay's...aren't they lovely?  They are out of your control, so you sit there like a clueless idiot, because you are.  Watching a flight that you saw was already in the air being delayed for 5 minutes....then 15....then 32....then 45....at the most crucial part of your trip, wanting to see your kids.  FINALLY boarding, and I shouldn't be complaining because it was legit an extra hour, but when you want to see your kids it's like days, I can see why Cameron Poe in Con Air just wanted to chill, he just wanted to get his kid that teddy bear!

But let me tell you, that part when you see your kids after a long vacation, there's nothing like it.  Nothing.  

That's the memory I'll take from this vacation, oddly it's of me coming home.  My daughter being so excited she didn't know what to do.  My son just squealing, there's a better word than squealing but I can't think of it, he was just so happy that we were home.  Snuggling on the couch with them and the love they have for us is truly better than any feeling I've ever had...and I've met Coolio.

Lastly my wife, the adventures we've been on, and will continue to go on...there's nothing like it.  Here's our best photo from the trip.

Our next trip is to see the 9ers play the Bears in Chicago, quick little 48 hour trip in October...and I swear to god I know without a shadow of a doubt, that the damn Chicago airport will have 100x the amount of Bears swag than the San Fran airport did for the 9ers.  

Thanks for reading!  I hear I was interviewed by PBS about why my family left South Dakota...I'll give you three guesses what my next blog is about.  If I even write it (I don't know who reads this, it just tells me a number, but there's a certain few I'd love to bitch out for not just asking me and bitching to others like a child, I'm really not that interesting to still be talked about one year after we moved), reactions I've heard have been "yeah, duh" to the other end where either people are mad I dissed the state or didn't know...and still don't...what the reasons were...and it wasn't all job related, that was probably dead last.  Thanks for reading, see you next week.

Til next time.

Jeff

Parenting Advice

Who doesn't love unsolicited parenting advice!?  The answer?  Nobody!  I love telling people what to do with their kids.  You know who else likes to lay down Law & Order?  Ice Tea Danny Gilbertson, that's who.  So we decided to ask each other some parenting questions, to give the best advice to you, the parents who need it ;)

Warning: The majority of this is satire.  Duh.

How do you get your kids to sleep?

Danny: Easy, shot of whiskey right before bedtime.

Best idea for playtime?

Danny: The William Tell Game. It teaches precision and they can eat the fruit afterwards so it’s healthy also!

How to get a difficult child to eat?

Danny: Turn everything into a chicken nugget. Just bread it, deep fry it, and bam, broccoli chicken nuggets.

Best TV show/book for education?

Danny: The Art Of The Deal. One chapter a night and so by the time when they turn 10 they’ll be on their way to their first bankruptcy.

Let’s say you get a message from your kids teacher that they are bullying, how do you handle it?

Jeff: High five the kid.  Look, 98% of people are crappy as it is, it's good they are standing up for themselves in a world of monsters.  But after the high five, clearly five weeks with no Cocomelon, I'm not trying to raise monsters.

How old is too old to spank your kid?

Jeff: In our house we don't spank.  They get time out, toys and TV taken away.  But what we should really ask is, "What's the best age to start spanking adults?  So many crap people, if someone is being awful I think age 22-40 should be fine.  Hire a tough person to do the spankings (it's hard for people to get jobs), in public of course.  Boom, new jobs for people who need to find work. 

How many Lego's can you step on as a parent before you decide to throw them all away in a fit of rage?

Jeff: Trick question, the answer to this is ONE.  They can get their fix of Lego's by watching the Lego movies, all terrific movies, even for adults.  At this point I would rather walk over hot coals then step on a Lego again, and I've clearly only stepped on ONE...ever.

What is the best time for a kid to go to bed?

This is a big one for all parents.  But the best answer is what is the best time for you, the parent, to go to sleep?  That answer is 7 PM.  If you're actually a parent you should be exhausted by 7 PM, but you should try to stay up til 10/11 PM for sanity.  If you're out clubbing on a Wednesday night til 2 AM, drinking Pepsi, your kid is more of a parent than you.  But the answer for your kid is every night at 7:45 PM...enough time to binge watch a movie or two shows, then pass out on the couch like a true parent.

This was fun!  Danny, let's do this again, maybe this can be the Q&A blog we do in the future where you, the readers, give us questions and we both answer, kind of like the Coke or Pepsi Challenge?  We'll type our answers blindfolded and let spellcheck REALLY get to work.

Thanks for reading!

Cowriters

Cory Beach Volleyball

 

So I had a blog idea a few weeks ago, it came from a conversation I had with my buddy Kyle Jensen (the North Carolina one, not the Nebraska one I randomly met a few weeks ago...or the other one in Lincoln, or the baseball player...I'll just move on).  I had read that Vince McMahon doesn't allow people to sneeze around him, he views it as a sign of weakness.  "What would you not let people do, if you were rich?" was the question proposed by Mr. Jensen.  Well that's a great idea for a blog!

But it wasn't when I sat down to write it, I couldn't think of anything besides not wanting people to say "we" when referencing their sport teams.  It's a minor annoyance, so I ditched the blog idea, wrote something else and offhand included that just to get it out there.  Then a few days ago I randomly thought of Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball.

A little background on this game, it was a fighting game series that was called Dead or Alive.  Then one year they decided to make a game where just girl characters from the game play volleyball on this island, all scantily clad, super great kids game...it's bonkers.  It randomly popped in my head because I was reading about things and people that were canceled (a future blog on that is coming up) and I was like, no freaking way this game comes out today, right?  

So then I got to thinking of a video game idea among my friends.  One of my best friends is named Cory Beach.  Unlimited potential of cool things with that last name (if he goes in to tropical drinks, Cory Beach Drinks, etc).  Now I'm not sure who came up with the idea (during that time frame of 2002-2008...there was a lot of drinking, it could be anyone), but the idea was to rescue Cory out of Las Vegas where he had lived for a time.  And the only way to get him out of whoever was in charge, holding Cory hostage, was to organize a volleyball tournament and win the tourney.  Then of course, if you win the game you win Cory Beach as a playable character.

So then I got to thinking, if I won a ton of money at anytime in my life, the first thing I'm doing is getting this video game made.  So instead of making people around me not do something so I'm not annoyed at them...I would maybe throw a get together, (let's say Rat Pack 24....if we even do a 17th this year, I don't know, but let's just say that for story purposes it's Rat Pack 24...) provide a nice little gift and everyone gets a nice copy of Cory Beach Volleyball with a bottle of their favorite liquor and we go play the game (which console?  I don't know, for me Playstation 2)!

So since I'm going to need this written down in some form when I hit it big (cryptocurrency, the lottery, finding something valuable and re-selling it...things that involve little to no effort), I'm going to write the story for Cory Beach Volleyball.  The characters (if you're not in it, it's fine!  I'm just going with eight to ten people).  And a brief sequel idea.   So without further adieu!  

CORY BEACH VOLLEYBALL

Premise:

Cory Beach has been held captive in Las Vegas!  The year is 2005, and Cory is working for an evil satellite company, but he cannot get out of the city, nor can he leave his job.  He's TRAPPED!  His friends in a last ditch effort to save Cory, fly out to Las Vegas to confront his evil boss to save him and return him back home.  

The boss (he's going to remain nameless...for now), notices Eric "Ras" Rasmussen wearing a volleyball t-shirt.  The boss, being a HUGE volleyball fan, proposes that he will release Cory Beach from his contract, if, and ONLY IF, they can put together a ragtag volleyball team that can defeat the evil companies award winning squad.

The Cast:

As I stated earlier, it can't be all of Cory's friends, but maybe we can do some downloadable content down the line where we add more who didn't make it?  Also it's the year 2005 so...whatever, here's the cast!

Eric "Ras" Rasmussen:

Killer serve and a killer personality.  Ras doesn't take any guff from anyone, especially on the volleyball court.  Every time he's on the court, the best hard rock of 2005 will be playing.  Two playable options, one with a beard, one without.

Eric's on the left.  The guy on the right...which is Eric's left is:

Dustin Schempp

Deadly spike!  Deadly great hair.  This dude will destroy anyone in his path to rescue Cory.  There will be a scene where you get the Schempp laugh if you win three games in a row.  Two playable options, one with a hat, one without.

Brian Varns (So I just got a new computer and haven't transferred old photos up AND Brian got rid of so many pics on Facebook, so enjoy...whatever it is I found on Google which is below)

Watch out world, Brian is left-handed!  He has nonstop energy and has so much experience playing video games he CAN'T FAIL getting Cory out of Las Vegas.  Two playable options, one as Brian, one as a hulked up version of Brian that looks exactly Stephen Varns (psssst it's Steve Varns).

Danny Gilbertson

Danny Gilbertson aka Young Boy aka Cowriter aka Mr. Volleyball.  Yeah that's right, this dude just happens to play professional volleyball in his sleep.  He's what they like to call the "bad boy" of this squad.  You want trouble?  You got it with Danny.  Three playable options as any of his aliases (he's like Mick Foley!), but all three have different hats (we wore a lot of hats in 2005, okay!).

Jeff Kleeman

A Jeff of all trades if you will, because he's had so many jobs he can do everything, but just adequately.  Only audio will be something that sounds like KAAAAAH every time he hits a volleyball.  Two playable options, one with a stocking hat, one without (if it was 2005 I was wearing a stocking hat at all times...I still don't know why).  I'm on the left...the man on the right is next!

Kyle "Eugene" Kelly

Do not make this guy mad.  So mild mannered, but he's like the Incredible Hulk, if you get him angry WATCH THE HECK OUT!  Two playable versions, one with a Dolphins hat, one with a Tiger Woods Nike hat.  So many hats!

Aaron Pew

Another lefthander!  Watch out Las Vegas, this guy is ready to get Cory out of that damn city if it's the last thing he does...unless the Vikings are playing, then he is an unplayable character in the game.  Two playable versions, one with a non ironic Vikings jersey (Randy Moss #84, duh) and one with an ironic jersey (clearly Mitch Berger #...checking Google...17).

Aaron is on the right...the man in the middle is next!

Ryan "Dino" Dineen

Dino!  Super tough guy.  He can spike the ball, serve the ball, but he will NOT set it.  He draws the line at setting it.  Great at everything else though (he can spike cuz he's tough, he can serve because he's a great bartender, the setting, the man can't set a table to save his life, he puts the fork on the right side for god sake)!  Character will also sing the Burger King Tender Crisp Sandwich song before spiking the ball, then he'll scream WHAAACK!.  Two playable options, one with blonde tips in this hair (that happened!) one with a shaved head.

Alex Baker

The heart and soul of the volleyball squad.  14 volleyball championships.  12 MVP's.  Until the accident.  He won't talk about the accident The best setter of the bunch and a hell of a dancer.  How that comes to play in Cory Beach Volleyball?  Well you just gotta get the game!  If it ever comes out!  Two playable options, one with nothing written on his hands, the other with "Hate" and "Pain" written on his hands.  One of the levels takes place in "Spain".

Karl Reasoner

He's the man in the middle in the picture above.  If you want someone who will play volleyball at 85% efficiency, it's Karl.  If you want 100% percent you look down at the ground, scream THE KARL and you get that beast.  Two playable characters, duh, they are above, Karl...and The Beast, which is just Karl, but with an angry face.

And there's the characters!  Teams of 2 are chosen at any time, some work better together than others.  For instance if Pew and Brian are on the same team, both are left handed, that's not right.  

8 playable levels from 2005, and they are:

- Spain

- The Double Barrel

- The Dakota Dome Parking Lot

- White Castle (the party house, not the fast food chain)

- The Char Bar

- Pamida

- Canary Beach in Yankton

- Las Vegas strip

The end of the game finds the group of friends getting Cory out of Las Vegas and unlocking him as a playable character.  Cuz, duh.  Super easy.  

Were you expecting more for the dramatic conclusion to the end?  Okay then.  They get Cory out of Las Vegas.  The boss gets buried in the sand after a ferocious spike by Ryan "Dino" Dineen.  They all leave to go back to South Dakota.  Pan back to the sand, the boss's hand sticks out of it with a 2005 flip phone and calls his cousin in Vermillion.  It's cold in Vermillion, so the sequel will be Cory Beach Snowboarding, where all the above characters, plus 8 more playable characters, have to do snowboarding tricks to get Cory out of the cold.  HE HATES THE COLD!

 Well if you made it this far, this is the most ridiculous blog I've ever written, and I couldn't be happier with it.  Two things, apparently everyone hates movie idea blogs, but I'll keep writing them, I don't care (I kinda do!).  The second thing, I was just interviewed by a great reporter for South Dakota Public Broadcasting about young people moving away from South Dakota (Google it, it's a good listen)...so hey, my next blog will be about South Dakota...unless it's not!?  Stay close, go far!

Until next time.

Jeff

The Sequel's We Need, The Reboots We Deserve!

Hi, I'm Jeff.  I like all forms of entertainment.  I love music.  I love TV.  Sports still catches my fancy, MLB not as much as I used to, but I can have a nice debate on why baseball sucks now.  CLEARLY I love pro wrestling (and I can have a nice debate on why AEW is better than WWE, but I already lost half of you didn't i?).  But my favorite form of entertainment USED to be movies.  Why do I say USED to be?   Movies suck now.  It's remakes, Marvel/DC movies, live action retelling's of Disney cartoons that are shot for SHOT THE EXACT SAME MOVIE and boring Oscar movies.  

I just watched Nomadland.  I liked it.  But was it boring?  Yes.  Would I still recommend it?  Yes.  Do you get anything out of watching it?  Depression, mostly.  I was folding clothes while watching it and that was more enthralling for me (although Frances McDormand was fantastic!).  

Then my buddy John (JOHN!!!!  There's a Terminator 2 reference for you all) started texting me about movies as he often does.  He brought up that Bad Boys 3 was pure garbage.  He wasn't wrong!  If it was released during Will's heyday (the beginning of the Willenium) it may have been good, but it was just pure...garbage.  Couple that with some unneeded sequels (Dumb & Dumber 2, Zoolander 2, Independence Day 2) and it got me thinking, what movies DESERVE a sequel?  

While we're at it, what movie deserves to be remade?  There are so many movies from the 80's and 90's that were subpar, but they remake the good ones?  We didn't need a new Point Break.  We didn't need a new Total Recall.  We do need a new...well...let's start with that, shall we?

1.  Showgirls  

This movie is hilarious.  Re-watch it sometime, the pool scene is funnier than any comedy that came out this year.  The acting is top notch bad.  It's so good!  Now remake it!  Or somehow make it a sequel, get Elizabeth Berkley, put in an inside joke how she's addicted to caffeine pills or something and is running some sort of show in Las Vegas.  Get Gina Gershon because she is a national treasure of 90's hot.  Then when it leaves theaters release it on VHS (ironically, duh) and kids can wear out the tape like my friends and I did in the 90's...if they can figure out how to use a VCR.  

Hey Hollywood, I'm just getting started!

2.  The Running Man 

This is a classic Arnold movie.  My third favorite movie by him (Terminator 2, True Lies...okay maybe third cuz Twins is awesome!).  The movie was ahead of it's time, I've already written a blog about this, but a society obsessed with reality TV and then watching a dude (who is innocent, duh!) mow down through some bad guys?!  Get whoever is the biggest action star now in it (THE ROCK?!?!), get Salma Hayek, get some bad ass villains and, you know what?  For the Richard Dawson part?  Give it to Trump before he goes to jail.  I'm not even kidding.

3.  Ladybugs

I have the record for renting this movie the most times by anyone not named Jackee'.  I to this day do not know why I liked this movie so much when I was 9.  I loved Caddyshack, soccer, and Tommy LaSorda...so maybe that's why? 

Let's remake this and have a dude try to do the same thing, but then realize the women are 10x better than him and he learns a valuable lesson  Or have a girl do it and show how much better she is than the boys, but professionally, then show the pay disparity.  OR HAVE TWINS SWITCH PLACES AND THEY BOTH REALIZE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS!!!  AHHHH I'M SO GOOD AT THIS!!!  And the Oscar for Best Picture of 2023 goes to....Ladybugs!

Hollywood, I am seriously just a call away.  (also nothing screams Hollywood more than this idea...a man writing a movie from a woman's perspective and then winning an award for it).

Also listen to How Did This Get Made's episode about Ladybugs, it's just insane to hear some of the stories.  

4.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Yes, reboot city, I know.  When I was in college there was a website called Newgrounds that had an adult version in...clearly highly illegally made cartoon shorts.  It was amazing.  Where's that movie?  They keep rebooting TMNT for the young kids, the young kids have so many options, they don't care, you know who cares?  80's and 90's kids.  And those kids can go to an R movie.  

Think Deadpool meets...Turtles.  Clearly John Cena is somehow Casey Jones.  Get someone awesome to play April O' Neil, if we're not being stupid it's Jessica Chastain.  Then get four real life turtles, mutate them, and see what happens all for the sake of cinema.

5.  M.A.S.K./C.O.P.S.

Two things that are awesome.  1.  80's movies.  2.  Acronyms.  M.A.S.K. was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid, but the name was super confusing for good ol' Jeff when he was 4 at Christmas time.

Mom: What do you want for Christmas?

Jeff: M.A.S.K.

Mom: A mask?  

Jeff: Yes....?

Mom: Okay....?

*end scene*

C.O.P.S. is bad ass too.  And the theme songs for both are fantastic.  So here's the sell.  Fall Out Boy does BOTH songs.  Then you have a third movie where they cross over and you get M.A.S.K.C.O.P.S.  Thinks Avengers but not as long...and maybe not as good, but more re-watchable because each movie isn't three hours long.  Fighting crime...in a future time!

6.  The Goonies 2

Now we're to sequel territory.  What happened to The Goonies when they grew up?  I know this movie has been in development since the 80's, but why not have them all seriously dealing with the psychological ramifications of criminals trying to kill them over gold on a pirate ship?

Mikey stayed behind in Oregon.  Clearly Brand and Andy are divorced.  Mouth is a stand up comic.  Chunk is a skinny, successful lawyer....okay dammit this is starting to sound like the movie It.  Screw it, do it anyway.

7.  Pulp Fiction (More Pulp)

Tarantino has sort of done a sequel (Kill Bill was one long movie, the studio forced him to split it to two...advantage all of us, now go make part 3 to that!), but you know what movie of his could use a sequel?  No, not the Hateful Eight...it's Pulp Fiction.  Get some of the old cast.  You know Travolta will do it.  You know Bruce Willis will do it.  And Sam Jackson.  And Christopher Walken.  Seriously, did the entire cast in the 2000's decide to take any roll they could no matter how good or bad the movie?  

With the exception of Jackson, they are all in serious need of career resuscitation.  You too Uma and Ving Rhames.    

8.  Mannequin um, 2 (let's forget part 2 happened, we cool?)

Mannequin was stupid.  But watchable.  And it was on HBO all the time in the late 80's so I've  seen it a billion times.  Also Kim Cattral was basically my first crush (and Miss Elizabeth, I was a sucker for poofy 80's hair), so believe me when I say I have so many unanswered questions.  

First off, so she's real at the end of the movie, what does she...end up doing?  Is she a stay at home mom?  Hiding from society because they have no documentation of her existing?  Or, and this is probably it, did the Andrew McCarthy character scheme his way in to an identity for her?  Is that the movie?  That the identity they take ends up coming back, upset that she's had identity theft?  Then they become friends and take down big chain stores, showing that the true heart is in mom and pop stores.  Shop local!

Also you know who we are getting to do the song?  That's right America, FALL OUT BOY!  And for the girl part, Demi Lovato...because we're not just mannequins, we're people.  AND WE CAN BUILD THIS DREAM TOGETHER!!  STANDING STRONG FOREVER!!!!   

9.  Mrs. Doubtfire

I loved Robin Williams.  True story, this is one of my least favorite movies by him because it's creepy, but it's still a good movie...it's just, like...dude, just do better and get visitation man.  Also you messed it up with Sally Field, that's arguably the lady who wins "possibly nicest celebrity ever just because she doesn't look like a horrible person".  

Sadly the sequel won't have Robin, and that's not who it would be about anyway.  Again, the psychological ramifications of your dad pretending to be an old nanny, then becoming a successful TV personality and then clearly Pierce Brosnan and Sally Field divorce.  I want to know how those kids grew up and dealt.  Did Sally Field remarry for a third time?  Did Robin Williams get bigger than San Francisco famous and got in to the Hollywood game?  

10.  Con Air

No explanation needed.  Greatest movie ever made.  Make a second.  Bring back the entire cast.  Then do the movie in reverse with no explanation.  Hollywood.  Call me.  Seriously.  I have 93 more ideas.  I've made it through this entire article without stating I share my name with a Hollywood producer.  Let's team up.  Jeff Kleeman squared.  

Thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman

Don't Rush It

I have two blog ideas I really want to write.  But I'm not going to just yet.  I don't want to....rush it.  Don't rush it...hey a name for a blog!

One is going to be an amazing MLM inspired piece.  It's not a take down by any means, you do you if you're selling...whatever it is you sell.  But if I log on Facebook at least one person I know is selling something and it's always the same presentation and pictures and that is the funniest thing in the world to me.  

"If I just drink the juice once a day....my wrinkles will stay away (don't you dare steal that!!!  That is incredible, using it for that future blog, that's going to be the title now instead of MLM Fighter!)."    

So I thought I would write up a funny thing, snap some pics of "the humor" that I have for it, then watch the money roll in on the internet hits I wish I would receive for writing this blog, so then I don't have to work for the man (oh that's sort of the same thing as the MLM thing?  Is it!?). 

The second is the "I just got rich, what will I make people do?" post.  But that idea sucks and it feels like too much work for a one sentence joke.  So what would I do?  If you said "we" when talking about your favorite sports team you have to go to a desert island and watch nothing but their rivals play for the rest of your life until you stop saying "we", you're not on the team old chap.  

So let's jump in to my final Vermillion related post shall we!?  Vermillion Pt. 2 write up...cue the music!

So I don't have MUCH to write about concerning Vermillion, but there is a topic that gets me riled up.   

IF YOU LIVE IN VERMILLION VOTE FOR THE NEW COURTHOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!  As someone who worked there I can attest that it is in fact a really crappy situation, you can literally smell the sewage as you walk in.  It makes no sense to renovate.  The argument that people living far away from downtown and won't be able to get there is invalid since it's the CLAY COUNTY courthouse (that means people outside of the town also need to go there...a lot of Vermillion people don't think about anything but Verm and it shows).  Also you have a bus service.  Also it's the future and there's bikes and roller blades and shoes with wheels in them and you can literally do everything by mail anyway so.....  

The only reason you would want to keep it is because it's "historical".  So historical I can't tell you a single thing that happened there (besides the story I'll tell you shortly...but that story is more HYSTERICAL...wordplay).  But hey keep the workers who work there in misery by keeping a building none of you ever visit (even though it's super historical!) and preserve that dumpster fire of a building.  I don't even think offices should go in there, just tear that mother down.  So here's a fun story from my time there...

Week 2 of my career at the Clay County Treasurer I had to use the restroom at the courthouse.  Tuesday's are court days.  I think nothing of it because it's not weird to share a bathroom for work with a bunch of....interesting people about to go to court, is it?  

I sat there, wondering how I went from my dream job (a TV show host literally weeks ago, which I willingly left) to whatever I was doing at the time (getting autos licensed in a legal, but extremely illegal feeling way to predominantly out of state people who go to live in Mexico or skirt local laws to pay cheaper car renewals in different states...by the way this job was legit super fun and I have a ton of stories, especially from the guy who sent me a lucha libre wrestling mask from Mexico...wow it's just weird describing this job in this run on sentence, I'll write about it sometime in more detail.)

Then my stall door opens, because there wasn't a lock on the door of the stall.  Some dude just opens the door and sees me sitting there.  He asks me if I'm trying to "get my rocks off".  I start to laugh because this is f'ing insane and not at all normal.  No, just trying to use the restroom sir, I hope you enjoyed the view.  As I get out and walk to the sink, I see an older man, looking like he's wearing nothing but a Hawaiian shirt, giving himself a full on bath at the sink.  Soap is on his legs, his face and arms and he asks me "what are you hear for?".  Sir, I'm working but this is starting to feel like jail already lol.  It's roughly 10 AM by the way.  

Literally a few weeks later, another Tuesday because of course, I think nothing weird can happen again right?  Yeah sure, I open the stall door for the bathroom and some crazy ass kid is just standing there, hiding...I legit thought I was going to get shanked so I  ran away in terror from this like 8 year old kid.  I think literally in that moment of running away, I thought, "I gotta move my family back to Nebraska!".  

So anyway, yeah, get those employees the hell out of that courthouse.  I have friends there I legit care about their safety.  

Speaking of Vermillion, so can someone do anything about that old Casey's eye sore as I drive back in to town this summer?  Nothing better than a run down gas station when you hit town, amiright?  One of the future mayors might be reading this, help me, help you!  And that old Pressbox spot, what is exactly going there in 40 years?

Well that's all I got about that town, see it wasn't so bad, just like three things and I didn't say anything too scandalous or make fun of anybody (I still can, but I wont'!).  Verm is a great town once you get past a lot of the fakeness, but that's literally everywhere.  I haven't been there in almost a year, so that'll be it for writing about my beloved hometown until I come back (and hopefully not avoid rocks being thrown at me from my last two Verm-related blogs).

So before I finish up, I have some random thoughts:

- I was looking at my blog numbers, because again I want to get successful at this (which won't happen, but I write because it's my passion...........it's my PASSION I SAY!) and make money off of writing...and I noticed that my biggest blog I've ever written is...THE BIGGEST/BEST/FAVORITE OF LIMP BIZKIT!?!?!?!  WHAT THE HELL!?  That's...that's incredible.  Looks like this blog keeps...Rollin' baby.  

- I saw a guy on social media bragging about having never touched fast food, just belittling people who have tried it or enjoy it (which I took personally because I'm the worst at watching what I eat).  And I wanted to think of something funny that's kind of routine that I would've commented back about and pretended that I haven't done.  Like, I wanted to type, "That's awesome bro, I've never used a computer, how crazy is that!?"  Just to see what the response would be.  But I also hate internet arguments with people I've never met.  So I put it in this blog instead.

- So I want to do a Q&A blog, but as I stated last week, I am completely terrified nobody will ask a question AND I'm terrified of what would be asked.  So if I had an eraser right now for my blog ideas, I would be erasing that one off of my notepad, but then writing it again because it sounds kinda fun.  So just in case, hey what do you got for quetions!?

And I'm DONE!  Next week I'll be writing about...something.  Maybe about the last year down here in Lincoln?  Ya'll want some Lincoln stories or what!?  I still have my parenting advice blog with Danny Gilbertson coming too, which that one sounds fun!

Thanks for reading,

Jeff

Promiscuous

Last week I promised a review of a blog from 2006/07, the only problem is there was not one single blog post that was...appropriate.  I went through the Kleeman Report's from the year 2006-2007 and my god, while an amazing read, it's just not something I can share with you, the readers, all these years later.  So we'll leave Pinky, Droopy Volcano, Squabbit Guy and Vampire Lady in the past...for now. 

So what I AM going to do, I'm going to share certain topics from the old Kleeman Report's from, let's go with the summer of 2006-2007.  Chingy was just coming out, T-Pain was just coming in.  I watched little to no television, I didn't know what a Netflix was, and the only movies I saw were ones I went to in an actual theater. (I remember seeing Mission Impossible III with Kyle Kelly, and thinking it'd be the last one because it was...not that good, boy was I off!  Don't get me started on Tokyo Drift and thinking that'd end the Fast & the Furious Franchise!  I also went to Casino Royale with Brad Simons and it began a nice little Eva Green phase, simpler times!).  

No masks.  No social distancing.  No Karen's.  No covid.  So buckle in, get your ironic trucker hat, get your double polo on (or three tank tops with sequined purse, thanks for the 2006 fashion advice Heather!) and crank this Nelly Furtado jam, off to 2006/07!

It was very refreshing looking through my old blog from 2006 and seeing how impressed my friends and I were with Steel Reserve.  When it first hit ooooooh weeeeeee, 8.1% alcohol and it was $8!?  And it got us super drunk off of only six beers.  Here's the irony, six beers now for my 38 year old self!?  That's a fun night.  Also you can get any IPA with the alcohol content or even more...and it will taste 10x better.  

This is making me nostalgic for the Icehouse though.  Years and years of Icehouse.  Freedom gas station in Vermillion can thank us for thousands upon thousands of dollars of Icehouse revenue.  

There was also a lot of MySpace content, which how did they lose the war!?  You could upload your own music on your page and embarrassingly rank your friends.  Also Tom clearly is far superior to Mark or the Winklevoss Twins.  

Not entirely living on our phones was also nice back then, we just lived on our laptops!  In 2006 I got the Verizon Chocolate phone, it could hold 20 songs and take really bad quality pictures...it was the best.  The biggest thing missing from cell phones these days is the amazing variety that was offered back then.  Let's get back to that!  Somebody update the ENV3 for me please.  That is, to this day, the single greatest phone ever made. 

Binge watching wasn't really a thing for me until I discovered The Office and Lost.  But the most comical part of binge watching back then was literally having to get up and switch the disks (at least we didn't have to rewind VHS tapes anymore...cuz that was also a thing), but if you maybe had a few too many you would just go to sleep to the god awful opening title music for whatever you were watching.  

Speaking of movies, wasn't it refreshing back then when not every single big movie release was some sort of Disney property or comic book movie?  What happened to original ideas?  Maybe it's time for myself and Danny Gilbertson to finally write the future summer blockbuster 7 Cent Situation. (I wrote this before myself, Danny and Alex Baker watched Accepted together on Facebook video...it's time to write Brandt!).  

The Kardashian's not being around, I just truly didn't appreciate it at the time.  And Kanye wasn't awful yet.  With the exception of television, entertainment legit just went to shit didn't it?  I can't recall really hating any celebrity back then...maybe JLo?

Time for some inside jokes/thoughts about Vermillion during college:

The McDonald's sign was not safe in the summer of 2007.  

If you're reading this and I knew you when I went to college, you either met me in the link lab or at the Char Bar.  I literally knew everyone's secrets from both of those jobs.  And that is terrifying me to this day.  Also most will not even know what a "link lab" is.  

Vermillion, SD.  This ones for you.  If you lived in Vermillion at any time during your life, every walk of life can agree on this....there was no better time to live in Vermillion than during the summer.  

The most comical/slum lordy thing I read when I went through the old report.  We used to have to give THREE MONTHS notice to the landlords to live anywhere for a year.  To live in places that had rats, or doors that didn't have handles (I had TWO doors, NO handles, I close both with a lock....WTF!).  Add in that we never got our deposit back and Verm was (and still is) full of slum lords taking advantage of college kids.  But it was refreshing to see me complain about paying $325 in rent PLUS utilities.

One last thing.  I'm really glad I wrote each week of my life from 2005-2012.  At the same time I'm really  not.  Just reading my thoughts and actions from that era, it's a lot to digest...it's good I grew as a person and changed.  It's also something I don't think I'm going to re-read until I'm really old.  It's funny, I always thought I'd have my kids read that version of the Kleeman Report (over 700 pages, I just looked!)...but after re-reading a few pages, I don't think anyone should touch it, unless it's used to take down anyone politically in the future.  

Next weeks blog, I'm not sure yet?!  I'd love to do a Q&A for comedy purposes, but the anxious person in me is like, who will respond to that if I post on Facebook?  Also speaking with Kyle Jensen, I debated writing one where things that annoy me that would have to go away if I won over 100 million dollars.  Example, Vince McMahon hates it when people sneeze, nobody can sneeze around him because that is weakness, that is incredible.  Yup, that's it.  

Next week, things that have to go WHEN I win 100 million dollars!

Thanks for reading, 

Jeff

PS I totally half assed this blog, I'm going to admit it, but it was half written and no way in hell was I going to ditch the entire thing.  But hey, thanks for reading!