Table for Six: Redux

A few weeks ago a blog I had written came up called "Table for 6" which I wrote in 2016.  A lot has happened since then, but if you want to check it out, it's right here: Table for 6.  My apologies for any broken links or photos not showing up, it's a 5 year old blog and I don't feel like going in to fix it.  

Now clearly a lot has happened since 2016 on my list as well as a lot of others chosen for their lists.  A lot of people got cancelled, came out as racist/sexist/homophobic/horrible or something as simple as thoughts and opinions changing over time.  Hey, remember when Amy Schumer was funny!?  Also some of my jokes didn't age well either, nothing horrendous thankfully, but clearly now that I'm older and wiser some of my jokes are cringy in that blog...is cringy a word?!

So clearly my original list has changed, here is the original: 

1. George Clooney

2. Bill Murray

3. Will Ferrell

4. Chris Pratt

5. The Rock

So looking at that list I wanted to go out and laugh and get drunk, so basically hanging out with my friend group.  I would only eliminate Pratt because fame seems to have gone to his head and Ferrell, simply because there's others I'd want to hang with over him now.  So here is my updated list:

1. George Clooney

2. Bill Murray

3. The Rock

4. Ryan Reynolds

5. Paul Rudd

I do notice, with the exception of Murray, this is also a lot of of hall pass lists for the women and men out there.  So just a bunch of us good looking guys going out and getting drunk with some laughter.  

So now that my new list is up, there are some issues, problems.  Why do they all have to be actors?  Why can't they be athletes or politicians?  For starters, athletes that I would choose probably wouldn't be that interesting for a night out, let's do a top 5 for that.

1. Michael Jordan

2. Ken Griffey, Jr.

3. Jerry Rice

4. Kyle Orton

5. Dennis Rodman

So it'd be a fun night, but I feel most would watch what they eat besides Orton and some wouldn't want to get too crazy besides Rodman...and okay, Orton as well.  When it comes to politicians, it would be a classy affair, but it would ultimately end in arguments, cocaine, and some sort of scandal, so basically like parties in college (unless you haven't grown up and never will).  

Living politicians I would go out with?  Oh man, there's like 3 I find interesting, but let's do it.

1. Barack Obama

2. AOC

3. Bill Clinton

4. George Bush

5. Donald Trump....surprised!?

Clearly this night would be horrendous.  I only say Bush because you know he parties and he's a typical rich kid so he's going to try to impress constantly and pay for things.  Trump, only added for how insane it would be.  What rants would he go on?  How many times would he bring up that he won when he didn't?  Or clearly he knows he lost and he's just being a fuck?  Who would he con to pay for the bill and when would him and Clinton sneak out to do blow and get hookers with their pal Eff Jeppstein who looks oddly like...okay I'm gonna get out of this scenario.

Also you may have noticed a lack of women so far, with just AOC making the list.  There's a few women that were close to making the cut.  Let's start with list 1, list of super awesome women I'd like to go out with and have some drinks.

1. Tina Fey

2. Kristen Wiig

3. Becky Lynch

4. Milana Vayntrub

5. Lady Gaga

I think that'd be a fun time, also Milana Vayntrub is the AT&T girl, but she has pretty like minded views like myself, follow her on Twitter, she seems great even though she works for AT&T which is an evil ass corporation supporting fake news.

Now for the semi sexist part, the hall pass part (I FINALLY GOT TO THIS BLOG IDEA!!  IT'S BEEN YEARS IN THE MAKING!).

1. Milana Vayntrub (SECOND SHOWING!)

2. Emilia Clarke

3. Alison Brie

4. Jessica Chastain

5. Kat Dennings

Music entertainers are clearly missing as well.  That's easy, I'm just not that interested in them for reasons I'll describe after.

1. Paul McCartney

2. Ringo Starr

3. Eminem

4. Jay Z

5. Justin Timberlake

Clearly the Beatles would be fun to talk to, maybe Eminem for a bit, he's funny.  After that it's a stretch, there has to be more interesting than Jay and JT, but I don't know.  

You know who I would love to go out with?  Wrestlers.  Here's my list.  

1. Kevin Owens

2. CM Punk

3. Bryan Danielson

4. Alexa Bliss

5. Jon Moxley

All time wrestling list?

1. Stone Cold Steve Austin

2. Ric Flair

3. Bret Hart

4. The Rock

5. Vince McMahon

Have I covered each version of entertainment besides adult entertainment and internet celebrities (same thing)?  If I missed any I might add to this blog later, but I think we did it, besides Jeff in 1996's top 5, let's see how this has aged!

1. Jennifer Aniston

2. Kathy Ireland

3. Tiffani Amber Thiessen

4. Michael Jordan

5. Jim Carrey

Close omissions, Macho Man Randy Savage and 2 Pac....two great rappers.  

Maybe top 5 celebrities I've met that I'd like to go out with?

1. Jerry Rice

2. Dolph Ziggler

3. January Jones

4. Coolio

5. Tech N9ne

I can't wait to revisit this list in 5 years, I really, really hope nobody in my top 5 ends up sucking, or maybe Chris Pratt becomes cool again?  Also sincere apologies to Bill Hader who always JUUUST misses my list.  

Feel free to type your list on FB or below, these are always fun to look at.  Until next time!

Jeff Kleeman

Oh...let's do a bottom 5 list of people I never want to interact with ever:

1. Tucker Carlson

2. Flo from Progressive

3. Donald Trump, Jr.

4. Bono

5. Urban Meyer

Parental Non-Advisory

 

I love this title.  It was going to be fuck daylight savings time, which was the reason for "parental advisory" but then I didn't want to sound like I'm giving parenting advice.  If you're watching your kid and helping them learn and develop and you have a roof over their head, you're doing just fine.  

Nope this article will be about parental observations because I haven't done one of these blogs in so long.  Reason I haven't written my blog in a while?  I'm writing my book!  It's an autobiography about my life.  Am I famous?  No.  Do I have great stories?  Yes.  Do I hope to make some money off of it and send it to a producer who I share the same name with and then have him option the rights to it and I make even more money off of it to pay off our student loans?  Maybe.  Here's parenting stuff I wanted to write about.

Daylight Savings is the worst.  We all know this.  It's definitely not needed anymore and it needs to go.  Either keep the fall back or the spring forward time and fucking GET RID OF IT.  It's great if you're in your 20's and you get an extra hour to get drunk and sleep in.  It's great if you're not a parent, but like, sort of.  It's cool to get that extra hour, but then it throws off your day.  Then when it gets warm you lose an hour anyway.  How is that fair?  Fuck daylight savings.  

Potty training a boy vs a girl is insanely different.  Girls just go right away.  No issues, at least for us.  Boys.  He's been potty trained since July.  But boy does he love poop in his pants (Leo when you read this in the future, I hope you have stopped by then).  The reason I'm writing about this is...well it was funny and gross lol.  You ever garden or do something outside and get mud stuck in your finger nail?  Yesterday I got poop stuck in my finger nail.  It was quite the surprise.  He had to poop, I didn't know there was poop in his pants, damn thing flew in the air and I caught it like a baseball, a little too well.  But yeah, if parenting has done anything to me, it's made me not get sick to my stomach on poop and puke, so that's a win. 

Daycare.  Daycare is great and crappy at the same time.  I love it because if you get a good one it's great.  The kids learn things.  Make friends.  That's awesome.  The crappy part?  The daycare cold.  Then we, the parents get it.  Then the kid gets sick at daycare and they can't go to daycare where they initially got sick.  Also, and I'll deal with this a lot more when I get older, shitty parents are the worst.  Daycare providers reading this, you know exactly the kind I'm talking about.  Also daycare should be free and the employees should make more money.  That's 1 of 100 things wrong with everything right now.  Tax the rich.  Pay for daycare.  Student loans.  Education.  Raise the minimum wage.  Term limits.  Wait, I thought this was about kids?

Halloween is the best.  For every single age.  0-12.  Trick or treating, free candy.  13-18.  Parties, I'm assuming.  Or put on a costume and still go, who cares?  18-25.  College parties.  26-34 adult parties.  35-58 adult parties or hand out candy to trick or treaters which is fun or go out with your kids and get UNLIMITED FREE CANDY AS AN ADULT.  We won't go past 58 but I'm guessing handing out candy is pretty cool to kids, but old people always hand out the shittiest candy.  So listen up my generation, full size candy bars if you can afford it or at worst the bag with Baby Ruth's in them.  

Back to the free candy.  I haven't had this many Kit Kat's in years...and I love that.  Thanks people!

Another thing that's true for all ages.  Food shaped as things tastes better.  Mac and cheese?  Yeah it's good.  Mac and cheese in the shape of Spongebob?  Give me more.  Same goes for sandwiches.  Cut those things up, even in a triangle, boom tastes better.  You cut them in to stars and circles?  Holy shit, gourmet.  

When do bubbles lose their appeal?  Maybe bubbles start to suck at like age 7?  But man do kids f'ing love bubbles.  I walked in to my son's daycare last week and they were just sitting around a bubble machine, watching it like I used to watch movies in college when I was inebriated.  I don't get it.  

Movies now are crazy.  And shows.  Imagine having to wait like we did to watch a show.  Or rent it?  Now when the kids want to watch something, it's instant access.  Lucky jerks.  If I wanted to rent Ladybugs I had to go to the video store like a not normal 9 year old and pay $1.  Also, I have no idea why I liked that crappy movie so much.  Speaking of movies.  How are there 4 Chipmunk movies!?  Didn't we get it after movie one?  Did we really need 3 more to help us progress the story of Dave and how he made friends with singing chipmunks and then used them and their talent?  After the book is done, I might review children's movies, or movies in general from a realistic point of view.  I'll call it, "Why?".

I think that's it for me.  I won't write another of these for a while because I have a goal to finish this book by December 31st.  After that, meh we'll see.  Have a great day everyone.  And screw leap year.  

Jeff