Thanks for coming back! This blog will detail everything I've learned about becoming a dad, and on the bottom of the page will be an important announcement about the Kleeman Report and something new that we're trying very soon.
It has been over a year now that I've been lucky enough to be the father of an amazing baby girl. In that year I have learned a lot. I've done a lot of things I never thought would be possible. I've grown as a human being. Also, I still somehow have my hair.
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| Still have hair. Beck approved. |
- We'll start with the poop. I was terrified of changing diapers before she came along. But in all honesty, changing diapers isn't that bad. There's been some truly crappy days (get it!?), but other than that there's worse (try getting boogers out, she avoids wipes like the plague).
But the main surprise out of year one. I literally had to grab a poop off the floor. And it was horrible. And I've had to grab poop off of my clothes. And out of her hair (don't ask).
I've also gotten the triple crown of diaper changes, in a car, on a boat, and in a bathroom on an airplane. That's now on my resume btw.
- Toys. Hundreds of hundreds of dollars worth of toys. I've known for years kids would rather play with a box or bubble wrap, I never knew kids would throw all their toys away in a minute just to play with this:
Every remote control in the house has to be locked up...out of arms reach. She reprogrammed our cable box. She has almost put a parental lock on our television. So either she's super tech savvy, or she really wants us to not watch TV.
And the things she finds. So much danger averted daily. Like every day (- Dustin Schempp). My wife had a knife joke to add to this, but the thought is just so frightening that I'll gladly have my child lock me out of my television before she gets close to anything more dangerous.
- My baby could star in the remake of The Rock. I'll be Sean Connery, she'll be Nicolas Cage, but not creepy and a better actor.
We'll get Ed Harris for the sequel, because Ed Harris rules.
We can set up any blockade. Any barrier. Anything. My daughter will somehow get out of it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start training her to break in to a bank vault and see what she can get. It'd be just my luck though that she'd come out with a remote control.
- for you parents out there. Remember sleeping in? Newsflash, there's not much sleep with being a parent. I was ready for it, but I wasn't prepared. Does that make sense? I knew there'd be no sleep, and I was fine staying up late, but I was surprised how not fine I was to wake up after 30 minutes to 2 hours of sleep. It was a lot to get used to.
Side effect of that? I can now match The Rock on his schedule (google it, it's insane). That dude wakes up at 4 am to work out and start his day (glaring difference, our workouts are 100x different). I can now survive off of about any amount of sleep, if you see me on the regular you'll for sure hear me complain about it, because it sucks, but I can do it. And that's half the battle.
- freaking television commercials where a child ages in front of your eyes. Then it shows the dad at the end all proud...I now HATE those commercials. Not because they are bad, but...well Bojack will explain:
Those damn commercials just tug at my heartstrings. And if there's a TV show or movie and it deals with a kid, specifically a daughter, get outta here! I get super angry and invested. I've now watched the movie Taken 35 times this year, for training.
- I have aged. I think? Not as well as Matt Damon did surely...
Literally one morning after a long night, I looked in the mirror and was like, "Damn, I look old!". Which comes with the territory of being in your mid-30's, but still...it's happening. My theory pre-child was right on the money. I went to my 10 year high school reunion in 2010 (Class of 2000!).
I looked around, and no offense to those of you who read this and had kids at that time....but I thought, "Holy crap, some people look old as s**t". Now keep in mind, at that time I was a party going, energetic 28 years old. I was single at the time (I think?), no child, could sleep in whenever, could go on a brisk jog whenever. Fast forward 8 years later, and I'm now one of you.
Could be worse though, I could be a single 35 year old....and that'd just be embarrassing. (that one is probably more offensive than looking old at 28...damned if I do, damned if I don't...)
- Quick, what's the hardest thing about being a parent? Any guesses!?
It's this:
They don't stay on. Or one is always lost or missing after laundry. Or she tries eating them. Just something about these make them my krytonite.
Which is the ultimate irony, because if you know me, I have one of 3 collections (you have to collect things when you're older to stay young I think?)
- classic NES games (I have 21 to go, hit me up if you have any!)
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| Not my actual collection |
- 1990's WWF Hasbro figures (not ashamed)
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| Not my actual collection |
- socks...tons and tons of socks (picture not needed, visit my Instagram if you want to see them at: https://www.instagram.com/jeffkleeman/
For all the socks she loses, I will now purchase 2 pairs...it's only fair...and my wife just gave me a look. Never mind on the sock purchases!
- Finally, other parents. Every version of me, Jeff Kleeman, has judged parents. I judge everybody, it's just what I do. I'm a people watcher, and I love analyzing everything to death, so of course I always thought most parents were just awful, or crappy. Oh, your kid is screaming in the middle of the store? Quiet that kid down!
Now I get it...half the time. Now you can call me crazy for saying this, but kids have a mind of their own! They do! So now I can relate to the parent trying to calm their kid down from a meltdown. Or running all over the place after your kid. Or parents getting to a family gathering and handing their kids off and dong whatever, you need a break, again...I get it!
That being said, the other half of parents still suck. Some people don't discipline their kids. Or help them learn and be better people. And that's disappointing, because those kids will grow up to do the same. But that's a whole other blog (tentatively titled: 98% of All People Suck, Here's Why!).
So thank you for reading! If anybody has anything to add, feel free to post in the comment section on Facebook or right here on this very blog! Thank you all for reading!
Jeff Kleeman
ANNOUNCEMENT:
I am very glad to announce that my hilarious cousin/brother Brad Simons and I will be starting a podcast very shortly called Rushmore Review.
We will be reviewing pop culture topics, one per week, and doing a top 4 each...our own personal Mount Rushmore if you will.
Also, I will be making a Facebook page for Kleeman Report shortly, which hopefully you all will join. I will post the blog and podcast links there, as well as some "classic" reports from the past.
Thanks to everyone for reading, and very shortly, listening. And if anybody knows Argo corn starch people, we are very interested in them as a sponsor.
Until next time!
