The Sequel's We Need, The Reboots We Deserve!

Hi, I'm Jeff.  I like all forms of entertainment.  I love music.  I love TV.  Sports still catches my fancy, MLB not as much as I used to, but I can have a nice debate on why baseball sucks now.  CLEARLY I love pro wrestling (and I can have a nice debate on why AEW is better than WWE, but I already lost half of you didn't i?).  But my favorite form of entertainment USED to be movies.  Why do I say USED to be?   Movies suck now.  It's remakes, Marvel/DC movies, live action retelling's of Disney cartoons that are shot for SHOT THE EXACT SAME MOVIE and boring Oscar movies.  

I just watched Nomadland.  I liked it.  But was it boring?  Yes.  Would I still recommend it?  Yes.  Do you get anything out of watching it?  Depression, mostly.  I was folding clothes while watching it and that was more enthralling for me (although Frances McDormand was fantastic!).  

Then my buddy John (JOHN!!!!  There's a Terminator 2 reference for you all) started texting me about movies as he often does.  He brought up that Bad Boys 3 was pure garbage.  He wasn't wrong!  If it was released during Will's heyday (the beginning of the Willenium) it may have been good, but it was just pure...garbage.  Couple that with some unneeded sequels (Dumb & Dumber 2, Zoolander 2, Independence Day 2) and it got me thinking, what movies DESERVE a sequel?  

While we're at it, what movie deserves to be remade?  There are so many movies from the 80's and 90's that were subpar, but they remake the good ones?  We didn't need a new Point Break.  We didn't need a new Total Recall.  We do need a new...well...let's start with that, shall we?

1.  Showgirls  

This movie is hilarious.  Re-watch it sometime, the pool scene is funnier than any comedy that came out this year.  The acting is top notch bad.  It's so good!  Now remake it!  Or somehow make it a sequel, get Elizabeth Berkley, put in an inside joke how she's addicted to caffeine pills or something and is running some sort of show in Las Vegas.  Get Gina Gershon because she is a national treasure of 90's hot.  Then when it leaves theaters release it on VHS (ironically, duh) and kids can wear out the tape like my friends and I did in the 90's...if they can figure out how to use a VCR.  

Hey Hollywood, I'm just getting started!

2.  The Running Man 

This is a classic Arnold movie.  My third favorite movie by him (Terminator 2, True Lies...okay maybe third cuz Twins is awesome!).  The movie was ahead of it's time, I've already written a blog about this, but a society obsessed with reality TV and then watching a dude (who is innocent, duh!) mow down through some bad guys?!  Get whoever is the biggest action star now in it (THE ROCK?!?!), get Salma Hayek, get some bad ass villains and, you know what?  For the Richard Dawson part?  Give it to Trump before he goes to jail.  I'm not even kidding.

3.  Ladybugs

I have the record for renting this movie the most times by anyone not named Jackee'.  I to this day do not know why I liked this movie so much when I was 9.  I loved Caddyshack, soccer, and Tommy LaSorda...so maybe that's why? 

Let's remake this and have a dude try to do the same thing, but then realize the women are 10x better than him and he learns a valuable lesson  Or have a girl do it and show how much better she is than the boys, but professionally, then show the pay disparity.  OR HAVE TWINS SWITCH PLACES AND THEY BOTH REALIZE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS!!!  AHHHH I'M SO GOOD AT THIS!!!  And the Oscar for Best Picture of 2023 goes to....Ladybugs!

Hollywood, I am seriously just a call away.  (also nothing screams Hollywood more than this idea...a man writing a movie from a woman's perspective and then winning an award for it).

Also listen to How Did This Get Made's episode about Ladybugs, it's just insane to hear some of the stories.  

4.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Yes, reboot city, I know.  When I was in college there was a website called Newgrounds that had an adult version in...clearly highly illegally made cartoon shorts.  It was amazing.  Where's that movie?  They keep rebooting TMNT for the young kids, the young kids have so many options, they don't care, you know who cares?  80's and 90's kids.  And those kids can go to an R movie.  

Think Deadpool meets...Turtles.  Clearly John Cena is somehow Casey Jones.  Get someone awesome to play April O' Neil, if we're not being stupid it's Jessica Chastain.  Then get four real life turtles, mutate them, and see what happens all for the sake of cinema.

5.  M.A.S.K./C.O.P.S.

Two things that are awesome.  1.  80's movies.  2.  Acronyms.  M.A.S.K. was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid, but the name was super confusing for good ol' Jeff when he was 4 at Christmas time.

Mom: What do you want for Christmas?

Jeff: M.A.S.K.

Mom: A mask?  

Jeff: Yes....?

Mom: Okay....?

*end scene*

C.O.P.S. is bad ass too.  And the theme songs for both are fantastic.  So here's the sell.  Fall Out Boy does BOTH songs.  Then you have a third movie where they cross over and you get M.A.S.K.C.O.P.S.  Thinks Avengers but not as long...and maybe not as good, but more re-watchable because each movie isn't three hours long.  Fighting crime...in a future time!

6.  The Goonies 2

Now we're to sequel territory.  What happened to The Goonies when they grew up?  I know this movie has been in development since the 80's, but why not have them all seriously dealing with the psychological ramifications of criminals trying to kill them over gold on a pirate ship?

Mikey stayed behind in Oregon.  Clearly Brand and Andy are divorced.  Mouth is a stand up comic.  Chunk is a skinny, successful lawyer....okay dammit this is starting to sound like the movie It.  Screw it, do it anyway.

7.  Pulp Fiction (More Pulp)

Tarantino has sort of done a sequel (Kill Bill was one long movie, the studio forced him to split it to two...advantage all of us, now go make part 3 to that!), but you know what movie of his could use a sequel?  No, not the Hateful Eight...it's Pulp Fiction.  Get some of the old cast.  You know Travolta will do it.  You know Bruce Willis will do it.  And Sam Jackson.  And Christopher Walken.  Seriously, did the entire cast in the 2000's decide to take any roll they could no matter how good or bad the movie?  

With the exception of Jackson, they are all in serious need of career resuscitation.  You too Uma and Ving Rhames.    

8.  Mannequin um, 2 (let's forget part 2 happened, we cool?)

Mannequin was stupid.  But watchable.  And it was on HBO all the time in the late 80's so I've  seen it a billion times.  Also Kim Cattral was basically my first crush (and Miss Elizabeth, I was a sucker for poofy 80's hair), so believe me when I say I have so many unanswered questions.  

First off, so she's real at the end of the movie, what does she...end up doing?  Is she a stay at home mom?  Hiding from society because they have no documentation of her existing?  Or, and this is probably it, did the Andrew McCarthy character scheme his way in to an identity for her?  Is that the movie?  That the identity they take ends up coming back, upset that she's had identity theft?  Then they become friends and take down big chain stores, showing that the true heart is in mom and pop stores.  Shop local!

Also you know who we are getting to do the song?  That's right America, FALL OUT BOY!  And for the girl part, Demi Lovato...because we're not just mannequins, we're people.  AND WE CAN BUILD THIS DREAM TOGETHER!!  STANDING STRONG FOREVER!!!!   

9.  Mrs. Doubtfire

I loved Robin Williams.  True story, this is one of my least favorite movies by him because it's creepy, but it's still a good movie...it's just, like...dude, just do better and get visitation man.  Also you messed it up with Sally Field, that's arguably the lady who wins "possibly nicest celebrity ever just because she doesn't look like a horrible person".  

Sadly the sequel won't have Robin, and that's not who it would be about anyway.  Again, the psychological ramifications of your dad pretending to be an old nanny, then becoming a successful TV personality and then clearly Pierce Brosnan and Sally Field divorce.  I want to know how those kids grew up and dealt.  Did Sally Field remarry for a third time?  Did Robin Williams get bigger than San Francisco famous and got in to the Hollywood game?  

10.  Con Air

No explanation needed.  Greatest movie ever made.  Make a second.  Bring back the entire cast.  Then do the movie in reverse with no explanation.  Hollywood.  Call me.  Seriously.  I have 93 more ideas.  I've made it through this entire article without stating I share my name with a Hollywood producer.  Let's team up.  Jeff Kleeman squared.  

Thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman

Don't Rush It

I have two blog ideas I really want to write.  But I'm not going to just yet.  I don't want to....rush it.  Don't rush it...hey a name for a blog!

One is going to be an amazing MLM inspired piece.  It's not a take down by any means, you do you if you're selling...whatever it is you sell.  But if I log on Facebook at least one person I know is selling something and it's always the same presentation and pictures and that is the funniest thing in the world to me.  

"If I just drink the juice once a day....my wrinkles will stay away (don't you dare steal that!!!  That is incredible, using it for that future blog, that's going to be the title now instead of MLM Fighter!)."    

So I thought I would write up a funny thing, snap some pics of "the humor" that I have for it, then watch the money roll in on the internet hits I wish I would receive for writing this blog, so then I don't have to work for the man (oh that's sort of the same thing as the MLM thing?  Is it!?). 

The second is the "I just got rich, what will I make people do?" post.  But that idea sucks and it feels like too much work for a one sentence joke.  So what would I do?  If you said "we" when talking about your favorite sports team you have to go to a desert island and watch nothing but their rivals play for the rest of your life until you stop saying "we", you're not on the team old chap.  

So let's jump in to my final Vermillion related post shall we!?  Vermillion Pt. 2 write up...cue the music!

So I don't have MUCH to write about concerning Vermillion, but there is a topic that gets me riled up.   

IF YOU LIVE IN VERMILLION VOTE FOR THE NEW COURTHOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!  As someone who worked there I can attest that it is in fact a really crappy situation, you can literally smell the sewage as you walk in.  It makes no sense to renovate.  The argument that people living far away from downtown and won't be able to get there is invalid since it's the CLAY COUNTY courthouse (that means people outside of the town also need to go there...a lot of Vermillion people don't think about anything but Verm and it shows).  Also you have a bus service.  Also it's the future and there's bikes and roller blades and shoes with wheels in them and you can literally do everything by mail anyway so.....  

The only reason you would want to keep it is because it's "historical".  So historical I can't tell you a single thing that happened there (besides the story I'll tell you shortly...but that story is more HYSTERICAL...wordplay).  But hey keep the workers who work there in misery by keeping a building none of you ever visit (even though it's super historical!) and preserve that dumpster fire of a building.  I don't even think offices should go in there, just tear that mother down.  So here's a fun story from my time there...

Week 2 of my career at the Clay County Treasurer I had to use the restroom at the courthouse.  Tuesday's are court days.  I think nothing of it because it's not weird to share a bathroom for work with a bunch of....interesting people about to go to court, is it?  

I sat there, wondering how I went from my dream job (a TV show host literally weeks ago, which I willingly left) to whatever I was doing at the time (getting autos licensed in a legal, but extremely illegal feeling way to predominantly out of state people who go to live in Mexico or skirt local laws to pay cheaper car renewals in different states...by the way this job was legit super fun and I have a ton of stories, especially from the guy who sent me a lucha libre wrestling mask from Mexico...wow it's just weird describing this job in this run on sentence, I'll write about it sometime in more detail.)

Then my stall door opens, because there wasn't a lock on the door of the stall.  Some dude just opens the door and sees me sitting there.  He asks me if I'm trying to "get my rocks off".  I start to laugh because this is f'ing insane and not at all normal.  No, just trying to use the restroom sir, I hope you enjoyed the view.  As I get out and walk to the sink, I see an older man, looking like he's wearing nothing but a Hawaiian shirt, giving himself a full on bath at the sink.  Soap is on his legs, his face and arms and he asks me "what are you hear for?".  Sir, I'm working but this is starting to feel like jail already lol.  It's roughly 10 AM by the way.  

Literally a few weeks later, another Tuesday because of course, I think nothing weird can happen again right?  Yeah sure, I open the stall door for the bathroom and some crazy ass kid is just standing there, hiding...I legit thought I was going to get shanked so I  ran away in terror from this like 8 year old kid.  I think literally in that moment of running away, I thought, "I gotta move my family back to Nebraska!".  

So anyway, yeah, get those employees the hell out of that courthouse.  I have friends there I legit care about their safety.  

Speaking of Vermillion, so can someone do anything about that old Casey's eye sore as I drive back in to town this summer?  Nothing better than a run down gas station when you hit town, amiright?  One of the future mayors might be reading this, help me, help you!  And that old Pressbox spot, what is exactly going there in 40 years?

Well that's all I got about that town, see it wasn't so bad, just like three things and I didn't say anything too scandalous or make fun of anybody (I still can, but I wont'!).  Verm is a great town once you get past a lot of the fakeness, but that's literally everywhere.  I haven't been there in almost a year, so that'll be it for writing about my beloved hometown until I come back (and hopefully not avoid rocks being thrown at me from my last two Verm-related blogs).

So before I finish up, I have some random thoughts:

- I was looking at my blog numbers, because again I want to get successful at this (which won't happen, but I write because it's my passion...........it's my PASSION I SAY!) and make money off of writing...and I noticed that my biggest blog I've ever written is...THE BIGGEST/BEST/FAVORITE OF LIMP BIZKIT!?!?!?!  WHAT THE HELL!?  That's...that's incredible.  Looks like this blog keeps...Rollin' baby.  

- I saw a guy on social media bragging about having never touched fast food, just belittling people who have tried it or enjoy it (which I took personally because I'm the worst at watching what I eat).  And I wanted to think of something funny that's kind of routine that I would've commented back about and pretended that I haven't done.  Like, I wanted to type, "That's awesome bro, I've never used a computer, how crazy is that!?"  Just to see what the response would be.  But I also hate internet arguments with people I've never met.  So I put it in this blog instead.

- So I want to do a Q&A blog, but as I stated last week, I am completely terrified nobody will ask a question AND I'm terrified of what would be asked.  So if I had an eraser right now for my blog ideas, I would be erasing that one off of my notepad, but then writing it again because it sounds kinda fun.  So just in case, hey what do you got for quetions!?

And I'm DONE!  Next week I'll be writing about...something.  Maybe about the last year down here in Lincoln?  Ya'll want some Lincoln stories or what!?  I still have my parenting advice blog with Danny Gilbertson coming too, which that one sounds fun!

Thanks for reading,

Jeff

Promiscuous

Last week I promised a review of a blog from 2006/07, the only problem is there was not one single blog post that was...appropriate.  I went through the Kleeman Report's from the year 2006-2007 and my god, while an amazing read, it's just not something I can share with you, the readers, all these years later.  So we'll leave Pinky, Droopy Volcano, Squabbit Guy and Vampire Lady in the past...for now. 

So what I AM going to do, I'm going to share certain topics from the old Kleeman Report's from, let's go with the summer of 2006-2007.  Chingy was just coming out, T-Pain was just coming in.  I watched little to no television, I didn't know what a Netflix was, and the only movies I saw were ones I went to in an actual theater. (I remember seeing Mission Impossible III with Kyle Kelly, and thinking it'd be the last one because it was...not that good, boy was I off!  Don't get me started on Tokyo Drift and thinking that'd end the Fast & the Furious Franchise!  I also went to Casino Royale with Brad Simons and it began a nice little Eva Green phase, simpler times!).  

No masks.  No social distancing.  No Karen's.  No covid.  So buckle in, get your ironic trucker hat, get your double polo on (or three tank tops with sequined purse, thanks for the 2006 fashion advice Heather!) and crank this Nelly Furtado jam, off to 2006/07!

It was very refreshing looking through my old blog from 2006 and seeing how impressed my friends and I were with Steel Reserve.  When it first hit ooooooh weeeeeee, 8.1% alcohol and it was $8!?  And it got us super drunk off of only six beers.  Here's the irony, six beers now for my 38 year old self!?  That's a fun night.  Also you can get any IPA with the alcohol content or even more...and it will taste 10x better.  

This is making me nostalgic for the Icehouse though.  Years and years of Icehouse.  Freedom gas station in Vermillion can thank us for thousands upon thousands of dollars of Icehouse revenue.  

There was also a lot of MySpace content, which how did they lose the war!?  You could upload your own music on your page and embarrassingly rank your friends.  Also Tom clearly is far superior to Mark or the Winklevoss Twins.  

Not entirely living on our phones was also nice back then, we just lived on our laptops!  In 2006 I got the Verizon Chocolate phone, it could hold 20 songs and take really bad quality pictures...it was the best.  The biggest thing missing from cell phones these days is the amazing variety that was offered back then.  Let's get back to that!  Somebody update the ENV3 for me please.  That is, to this day, the single greatest phone ever made. 

Binge watching wasn't really a thing for me until I discovered The Office and Lost.  But the most comical part of binge watching back then was literally having to get up and switch the disks (at least we didn't have to rewind VHS tapes anymore...cuz that was also a thing), but if you maybe had a few too many you would just go to sleep to the god awful opening title music for whatever you were watching.  

Speaking of movies, wasn't it refreshing back then when not every single big movie release was some sort of Disney property or comic book movie?  What happened to original ideas?  Maybe it's time for myself and Danny Gilbertson to finally write the future summer blockbuster 7 Cent Situation. (I wrote this before myself, Danny and Alex Baker watched Accepted together on Facebook video...it's time to write Brandt!).  

The Kardashian's not being around, I just truly didn't appreciate it at the time.  And Kanye wasn't awful yet.  With the exception of television, entertainment legit just went to shit didn't it?  I can't recall really hating any celebrity back then...maybe JLo?

Time for some inside jokes/thoughts about Vermillion during college:

The McDonald's sign was not safe in the summer of 2007.  

If you're reading this and I knew you when I went to college, you either met me in the link lab or at the Char Bar.  I literally knew everyone's secrets from both of those jobs.  And that is terrifying me to this day.  Also most will not even know what a "link lab" is.  

Vermillion, SD.  This ones for you.  If you lived in Vermillion at any time during your life, every walk of life can agree on this....there was no better time to live in Vermillion than during the summer.  

The most comical/slum lordy thing I read when I went through the old report.  We used to have to give THREE MONTHS notice to the landlords to live anywhere for a year.  To live in places that had rats, or doors that didn't have handles (I had TWO doors, NO handles, I close both with a lock....WTF!).  Add in that we never got our deposit back and Verm was (and still is) full of slum lords taking advantage of college kids.  But it was refreshing to see me complain about paying $325 in rent PLUS utilities.

One last thing.  I'm really glad I wrote each week of my life from 2005-2012.  At the same time I'm really  not.  Just reading my thoughts and actions from that era, it's a lot to digest...it's good I grew as a person and changed.  It's also something I don't think I'm going to re-read until I'm really old.  It's funny, I always thought I'd have my kids read that version of the Kleeman Report (over 700 pages, I just looked!)...but after re-reading a few pages, I don't think anyone should touch it, unless it's used to take down anyone politically in the future.  

Next weeks blog, I'm not sure yet?!  I'd love to do a Q&A for comedy purposes, but the anxious person in me is like, who will respond to that if I post on Facebook?  Also speaking with Kyle Jensen, I debated writing one where things that annoy me that would have to go away if I won over 100 million dollars.  Example, Vince McMahon hates it when people sneeze, nobody can sneeze around him because that is weakness, that is incredible.  Yup, that's it.  

Next week, things that have to go WHEN I win 100 million dollars!

Thanks for reading, 

Jeff

PS I totally half assed this blog, I'm going to admit it, but it was half written and no way in hell was I going to ditch the entire thing.  But hey, thanks for reading!