So let's skip the "It's been a while since my last blog" stuff and get right to it. This week you'll never even know I was gone, because I have THAT MUCH MATERIAL! Finally! First on the agenda... I brought my kid to Vegas and lived to tell about it!
I have now been to Vegas 4 times, 2 of the 3 times were drunken debaucheries (one boys trip, one bachelor/bachelorette Rat Pack party) that I'll forever remember. One was a very relaxing trip with my girlfriend at the time, who now I'm lucky to say is my wife. So I love Vegas, but a kid!? What do you do with a three month old!?
What's that you say? "Jeff, I saw The Hangover, having a baby in Vegas is hilarious and fun!" Yeah, you're right, about half of the time it is. So let's get in to a recap of my time with my wife and three month old child in Vegas.
Day 1
Babies first flight and....it oddly went damn near flawless. The funny thing with kids and flying, it goes together like Kendall Jenner and Pepsi commercials, it's just a bad idea.
In my single days I would feel so bad for the parents who had the crying kid on a flight. The kid doesn't know what's going on, so I can't blame him/her/gender fluid (lol, story later on that) for crying hysterically while embarrassed parents wait for it to be over. So I was clearly expecting the worst.
Her very first flight though? Not a peep. Worked out great. Layover in Denver, where we literally sprint from one end of the airport to the other to hit our connecting flight....we made it. Still no crying. We board the plane and wouldn't you know it, we're seated next to a douchy kid with headphones on who death glares us as we sit down. The babies reaction? A minor cry, but a massive poop has just transpired. Totally inconveniencing the massive piece of crap who is sitting next to us.
So I change my first diaper on a plane, she's sliding everywhere, but we make it out without any crap or poop on us, sadly none to wipe accidentally on the ass sitting next to us. God I hate that guy, and I will forever...
Also, I find it funny that my child and I had our first flights be to Vegas. But I also find it funny that I was 24, and she wasn't even 3 months yet. Silly.
Back to the story!
We land in Vegas! Sin City! We made it! I am just amazed at how flawless this is going so far. The only hang up, our amazing rental car, I can't find where to start the damn thing!? OH MY GOD YOU START IT IN THE DASH!
Lincoln MKZ, you stole my heart. And it's such a smooth ride! Baby Zoe approved.
Some day, it will be mine.
So we drive to our resort, which actually isn't in Vegas, it's in the criminally underrated town of Henderson, NV. We stayed at the Green Valley Ranch, which unlike most places I've stayed in Vegas, would love to go back to (sorry Luxor, you suck, Circus Circus was fine, and that weird house we stayed at, I still feel dirty):
I miss the pool already. Speaking of which, let's get to Day 2!
Day 2
My wife has a conference, so it's just me and the baby, the first day is the entire day. You read that correctly, it's just my baby and I. At a casino. For 8 hours. What to do....
BUFFET. POOL. REPEAT.
But here's a tip. Some people suck. So you may be eating at a delicious buffet while your kid is sleeping in her car seat. That won't stop old people from sneak attacking and trying to grab the stroller, moving it while going "OOHHHH CUTE BABY!" Or people walking by and staring at you and your child. Or people coming up to you for awkward conversation.
It's definitely the weirdest thing I've noticed with having a child...I was already very approachable, but now with the kid, it's a whole new world. Also, and my wife agrees, it makes you more approachable to the opposite sex, which my friend Kyle said must appeal to a very specific demographic.
Also, back to the gender fluid comment from earlier, even if my child is wearing a bow, people will assume she is a boy. It's the funniest thing ever. I don't care, but I care. So maybe strangers can try to say, nice baby or nice child. Try to stay away from the assumptions ya jerks.
Random day 1 observations from Vegas:
- Fat Burger is one of the worst fast food burgers I've had, think Shake Shack without the amazing shake selection added in and grease staining my shoes.
I still have heartburn.
- CRAP WE FORGOT TO GET IN N OUT! UGGGHHHHH!
- Pepsi is everywhere. Every restaurant. Every shop. Couldn't find a Coke to save my life, and I'm quitting soda this week, so...thanks Vegas.
- Bring your baby to a pool in Vegas, order a drink thinking "Oh, the kid is doing great!" Then as soon as the lady gets your drink, which takes forever in Vegas btw, your kid starts losing it. Turns in to me downing a Shock Top and running to the hotel room.
- The most relieved I've ever been may be when my wife got out of the conference for the day. I may have cried. I'll admit it.
- Great sushi place there. I found out my wife HATES oysters. MORE FOR ME!
Let's get to day 3.
Day 3
Man do I want to gamble. But you can't gamble with your child around you in Vegas. You can here in South Dakota...I've seen it first hand! Slot tourney in Deadwood, and this lady puffing a cigarette, while simultaneously holding her child and hitting buttons. It was truly the third most impressive thing I've ever seen in my life (text me or write below what the first two are, if you are a friend of mine, you can probably name one of the top 2).
So since I can't gamble, I do the same exact thing as I did the day before hahahahaha. Yeah.
BUFFET! POOL! REPEAT!
It's around this time I get one of those "I'm not from here tans/sunburns", then when you get back home to the mid-west during this time of year, someone always goes "Well it looks like someone got some SUN!?!?" Always. Happens. Seriously.
Random observations from Day 3:
- Carmine's at Caesar's Palace is amazing. It's this family Italian Restaurant. But when you're a family of two adult human beings and one small child... we ate a good half of it and I was uncomfortable. But great place to eat.
- Las Vegas is probably the easiest city I've ever had to drive in. San Francisco clearly being the worst. People were even polite on the road, it must've been the amazing Lincoln MKZ.
- The Forum shops are awesome in Vegas.
- Really debated a jacket until I texted my buddy Dino. He wasn't a fan.
- The strip is still amazing. Just incredible. I want to go back already. Let's go to Day 4.
Day 4
Probably the hardest day with the kid. I've been sick the past 2 weeks, just now getting over it actually. I think she may have caught it. Or the time difference was f'ing her up. Regardless she was having a day. So instead of the usual "oh cute babeeeeee!" responses, I was carting her back to the hotel room as fast as possible to people going "aaaawwwwwwwww" to her crying.
Hotel room morning on this one, but I did watch Cheaters all morning...so I had that going for me.
That afternoon when Heather (my awesome wife) finished up, I got to gamble. Finally!!!!
Now I'm a roulette fiend. I love playing it, so I went to the video roulette table and met some new "friends". Some nice gentleman who were roulette "experts" and told me to go along for a ride with them on their roulette plans. At the time I was up about 80 bucks off of 20, so I politely declined. I also declined the weed they offered me...every single time.
After leaving my new friends, my wife and I visited the lovely mall of Henderson, before meeting my wife's awesome friend Frances for dinner that night. Luckily, Frances's boyfriend really wanted to go gamble. So part 2!!! More roulette. More winning. I finally beat Vegas...better than my usual losing money there. Not as good as my friend winning up to 4k off of $20, and definitely not as good/bad as my buddy getting up to about 18k off a $20 and then losing it all.
Random observations:
- We'll always remember Svetla. The nice, older roulette lady. Think of a hot older lady in a James Bond movie.
- I may have met Juicy J and didn't realize it at the mall. Or at least his friend. We had a good talk.
This was our final night in Vegas, sadly. It always goes too quick. So day 5 is more of.....
Day 5
Cheaters! I watched so much Cheaters in the morning. People are horrible, even on scripted "reality" shows.
While waiting for my wife I did one last loop around the awesome place we stayed at. Got some delicious salmon bagels at a cafe, and had one last meltdown from my child. The funny part of this was, it wasn't that bad with my kid. She's awesome. After this meltdown she went to sleep, and since we were leaving and it was windy as hell outside, I just stayed in, I'm lucky enough to go to Vegas for 4 days, so I can call this morning a wash.
Sure there were some things I couldn't do, like gamble non-stop or go to gentleman's clubs, but she basically saved me from wasting a lot of money. And I know my wife loved having her there as well, cries and all. But she's awesome. We even got this amazing poolside picture of her, see!
The flight back went great. She didn't cry for more than a few seconds on either of the flights. She actually fell asleep in the most uncomfortable looking position, but didn't make a peep. We actually got complements from other passengers who were amazed at how quiet she was. (I actually have never been glared at until I got back home the following day and some b death glared me at the grocery store. I now have another enemy...that's now 9 people I'm enemies with in my entire life, feel free to text or list below if you think you can name the other 8)
So now, when we go to Chicago in two months, I am fully prepared for her to have a complete meltdown on the flights, and meltdown free on the trip itself. Babies man, it's like they got a mind of their own. But I'm looking forward to taking her to Wrigley and everywhere else she won't remember.
Thanks for reading. I'm back! Later this week will be which college and NFL team have the worst fans? If it's anything like my Facebook status about that topic, it will be quite the read. The easy answer is...everyone but your team.
Thanks again! 'Til net time.
Jeff Kleeman
