Do People Still Read?

 

I haven't written a blog in months.  I've tried, but I haven't.  Between kids, work, reading Dungeon Crawler Carl and trying to keep in shape...I HAVE NO TIME!  So, I've collected some of my random thoughts from the past few months and compiled them all into this one post.  As the kids say, LFG!

- I sound like a real Donut!  "That's for you Crawler fans out there"

- do kids even say LFG anymore?  Gen Z.  I got some issues with Gen Z, I'd express them here, but I don't want to sound like a crotchety old man.  But also, Gen Z doesn't really read or know how to read. I've seen their posts and how they text.

- Okay 2% of Gen Z, the ones reading this, you some real ones.

- I can't say lol anymore btw?  GTFO

- If I say lol, I'm laughing 1/4 of the time.  If I say LOL, all caps, I'm laughing maybe 3/4 of the time.  If I put ROFL, 0% laughter.  And if I type ha at the end my sentence, I'm using it to awkwardly insert a word there in text that doesn't need to be there, ha. 

- Nighttime is overwhelming these days with kids.  They go to bed at 9 in the summer which gives myself and my wife 1-2 hours to fit in: working out, watching a show/movie, talking, reading Dungeon Crawler Carl.  I don't know how parents who let their kids stay up late get anything done.

- Maybe by waking up early?  But I say this with all sincerity.  Fuck that. 

- I don't know how people have more than 2 kids.  How are you going to give each kid the time they deserve, as well as get them in activities/make it to all of their things.  It's too much.  Then get alone time to not watch a show?  Ha.

- Max 2 kids to those of you reading this debating on children.  Just call me China, cuz 2 is perfect.

- Does China still do that?

- Where our country is the opposite.  More people for low paying work!  

- Speaking of movies/TV shows, I never thought I'd be the person to watch them in shifts...but here we are.  Shift watching is weird, continuing a story halfway through feels wrong but it's the only way I finished Dune or Oppenheimer.  

- There's a THIRD Dune coming, FML.  I just hope they don't have a sequel to Oppenheimer!  

- JK, there's definitely a sequel to Oppenheimer coming, give them a few more months.  LOL

- I can't say lol anymore?  GTFO

- Worst sports parents in order is:

1. Baseball

2. Football

3. Soccer

4. Everything else (I'm going to assume Wrestling is somehow number 4, I've seen the vids of some garbage parents at meets.)  Safest sport for kid's parents, I gotta assume fencing!

- Getting in my 40's has given me an amazing superpower though, I can fall asleep any time.  I have passed out at a luau, at John Wick in a theater, I can take on the world...one nap at a time.  

- It's tht second craziest power I've gotten in my 40's after power to grow hair in places that shouldn't have it.

- New music sucks btw.  No new good rap.  Or rock.  I always wanted to stay hip and with it with new music.  But there's not much good besides some alt and some pop.  Or soda as some call it...

- LOL, GET IT!?  SODA!?

- I can't say LOL anymore, GTFO

- If you told me at 24 that Facebook sucked, I would've thought you were crazy.  That place was for college kids only, you needed a college email.  It was the life.

- I only keep FB for work, and my ego rush of the birthday wishes.  Snapchat and Insta I'd get rid of but there are some people who only interact with me on those apps.  If only there was a device for calling and/or texting that was just as useful........

- EDITORS NOTE: I have gotten rid of Instagram.  I now have gotten rid of Twitter, Threads, Insta, next is Snap or Tik Tok.  The only thing that has changed, less cosplay thirst traps.  

- Don't you dare judge me.

- I have seen people on Facebook do posts about their besties who they have personally texted me about saying they no longer like.  Or hate.  Or they hate their spouse, or both.  And then I delete their friend and a year later they are still pretending to like each other.  What is the ever-loving fun in that?  Just stop being around people who make you unhappy.

- Why share a picture of you celebrating a friendship that doesn't exist.  One of the numerous things the boomers got lucky with is if you moved away or lived far from each other, you no longer needed to pretend to be friends.  

- Here come the texts asking who I'm talking about.  I'll tell you.

- If people still read.

- I was in a group chat for the longest time.  And this guy was in it who made fun of EVERYBODY.  That's his life.  He's a horrible person. You know what I did? Cut him out, super easy.  

- Fast food prices.  Too damn high btw, it's cheaper to eat at Chili's than it is to get McDonald's.  McDonald's is trash, delicious, great trash. Stop pretending to be someone you're not.  We already have people doing that on social media. 

- I started this blog 3 months ago btw.  That's how stupid time is.  

- I wrote the above a month ago.  

- And I wrote the above a week ago!  This is how I finish my media, that's how I'll write my blogs from now on.

- Driving is so much worse now.

- I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel since 2016 people have felt that they have the ability to be rude or mean people with no consequences...I just don't know how that coincides with anything that has happened in the last 10 years...

- No lol for that one....

- Okay fine, lol.

- I won't do that joke again, I swear!

- Nickelback is good now, wtf happened?

- Speaking of music, we just kinda gotta sorta pretend they aren't real people now right?  Just listen to the music and move on.

-Kanye I'm looking at you!  Michael Jackson.  Don't even get me started on Diddy... or Fiddy.  All just kinda sorta awful people who made some bangers.  We're in trouble if the most sane was is legit Eminem.

- If you have a large family and you're having a kid, and you plan to name that kid the same name as another kid in the family, just send a quick text. Or message.  It's your life, you do you.  But it's also unbelievably unfair to the originally named kid.  It's also tacky as all hell.

- Doubling down, super tacky.

- Speaking of kids names.  No more unneeded letters in the name.  We don't need Erin to be spelled Airin.  Get bent. Figure it out. 

- This one will get me super heat. I don't like the summer anymore.  Last place.  I don't get the summer off, so what do I enjoy about being hot and sweaty all the time?  I can't go to the pool all afternoon.  I can't survive off of freeze pops for sustenance.  I get mosquito bite reactions that rival a tumor on my face.  The 4th of July went from being a 1–3-day holiday to my neighborhood doing it for an entire week.  

- Kids don't even get a summer break anymore anyway, they get like 2 1/2 months.  Get bent.

- School also shouldn't start until Labor Day is over.  

- Also, teachers should be paid more...I'm gonna end this blog before it gets crazier.

- One last thing. Let's bring back "get bent".  Make Get Bent great again.  

- I think my next blog will be my inner voice thoughts throughout a day.  But we'll see how much this blog gets me in trouble. Cuz I feel I'm there.  

- If anyone reads.

- Jeff

Family Movie Night: The Goonies

 

The last time I did a blog was under a year ago...what's happened since then!?  Any news!?  I decided not to blog after, again, maybe 4-5 fully written blogs last year that just...sigh...we won't even get in to it.  I want to enjoy writing again and for now...this is the way.  

My last blog was Space Jam, so it only took a year for me to institute family movie night at my household and what better way to force feed my favorite movies growing up to my children then to start with the Goonies.  Also, man did I miss run-on sentences in my blogs!  I wanted to blog again, but not talk about current events or how I feel about them...so I'm just going to rewatch movies for a while with my kids and enjoy time.  

If you read my Space Jam review last year, you can skip to the next paragraph. If you didn't here is the piece (Space Jam), and here is the premise...I like to be super realistic about movies when I watch them.  It's for the comedy, I completely understand it's just a movie, but the Goonies literally takes place in one day and Chunk already asked Sloth to move in with his family after literally no interaction with him...he has been CHAINED!  Literally every movie you watch is like a week...tops (at some point I will review the absurdity of Star Wars...a 5/5 movie but it's like 3 days!).

So, let's start!  A top 10 all-time favorite movie of mine...The Goonies!

The movie begins just how all children's movies should start.  With a supposed suicide!  Hilarious!  I also love the two brothers are in so many other movies I grew up watching.  Robert Davi when I was a kid I legit thought was Ben Stiller...don't ask.  And Joe Pantoliano is a legend.  

Kerri Green, the red head, clearly I had a crush on as a child, but on this rewatch...a new crush develops, stay tuned!

Also to make it completely about me, if this movie were to cast me in it, I'm 100% Mouth, complete with amazing Purple Rain t-shirt.  

So far...the kids are okay, I do have some concerns about them being scared later on, let's see how this goes!

The Truffle Shuffle as a kid was hilarious, as an adult with kids and sometimes feelings, I feel bad for the guy!  Just a kid...kind of overweight...having to do some demeaning dance in a huge movie.  

Chunk is a lawyer now in real life and skinny...so hopefully he's making some nice Goonies residuals and crushing at life.

The kids just laughed at the dick on the statue falling off.  I really hearty laugh at that...so far this is going well!

Brand (Josh Brolin) works out like mad constantly in this movie. Someday he will become Thanos and snap away half of the population.

New crush alert, Mikey's mom.  Over Andi for sure.  We'll get in to our Andi issues soon.

Is it Andy or Andy?  Oh well...you know who I'm talking about.

Corey Feldman making drug jokes to the housekeeper in retrospect...not surprised he knew so much about them.  

Hearty laugh number 2 by my kids, Mouth putting his tongue in the art work.  My wife even laughed hard.  I need to reconsider my humor with the kids ASAP.

Troy is an absolute fuck.  Attempted murder off the bat with Brand and trying to have his rearview mirror look under Andi's skirt, that mirror is for driver safety buddy!

I absolutely know who Troy grew up to vote for...I had to sneak one in, tell me when I'm telling lies though.  Which I never understood where we got where we did.  If you watch these movies, the bad guys are absolute horrible dipshit assholes.  And they now run the country.  Sigh.

Troy's dad is the absolute worst too.  It rains too much up there for golf anyway.

Side story, I've been to this town.  I have been in the pizza place where Chunk sees the police chase.  It is a dreary ass town.  

Back to the movie, Sloth is just introduced...that poor guy.  Where was child services!?  Instead of money to build a golf course, maybe take those funds elsewhere and help the Sloths' of the world.  He is literally CHAINED!

Also, if you have a doctor spouse, anything medical in a movie that is wrong she will bring up, today I learned Mikey uses that inhaler too much and he needs to be put on better meds.  They also shouldn't be living in that climate so maybe they should build the golf course.

Data is my favorite in this whole movie and I'm so glad he got a career resurgence later in life.  

Andi is wearing Troy's sweater but is constantly eye boning Brand.  Let's figure out her daddy issues ASAP.  Also her friend is prettier when her face isn't getting in the way (that's a quote from the movie don't jump on me!).  She's the nice friend who always gets ignored cuz her friend puts herself out more.  Character wise, in 10 years Andi has had 2 kids and is on husband number 2.  Stef is going to be a happily married doctor, whose spouse is someone like me...Mouth.

Troy is reading Guns & Ammo on the toilet.  Come on...IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!!

The fact these kids made it as far as they did is a miracle.  They are pulling strings out of the ground.  Narrowly missing booby (booty) traps.  Playing with dynamite.  I'm an 80's/90's kid...the best genre of people on the planet btw...we grew up tough, but playing with dynamite is a choice.

You know what else is a choice!?  Chains!?  Sloth is out of them now.  He's a good dude, RIP to the actor who played him after I just googled what he was up to.  

My absolute favorite scene in the movie.  They are going to leave via the wishing well...but Andi decides to stay behind.  Troy what he believes to be Andi up, but it is just his stupid coat she left behind...but here's the question.  HOW MUCH DOES HE THINK ANDI WEIGHS!?  Seriously!?  Is she like pounds to him!?  Come on...IT'S RIGHT THERE PEOPLE!

My kids are doing great.  My son only put a blanket over his head when Sloth was introduced, but he was fine with the bullet in the head of the freezer guy.  I have more questions than answers right now. 

My daughter LOVES pointing out how stupid these kids are.  I have heard her say "C'mon dude!" like 30 times...29 of them were warranted...Chunk deserved that ice cream.

The Fratteli's (band wise, go listen to The Frattelis - Chelsea Dagger).  Who screwed the mom.  Did she steal the kids?  If this was made now, we'd get a straight to streaming prequel within 6 months.  I want these answers.  

So, does Chunk's mom just accept that Sloth is going to live with them?  Is there room!?  Does he have night terrors?  What' is his age.  His IQ?  There's a lot of pain behind those misshapen eyes.  

The dad is so trusting of those jewels at the end he just rips up that contract.  Like, is he going to just pay off his debt in jewels!?  What's the exchange rate on Willie's gold!?

Andi is too comfortable making out with Brand in front of their parents.  You're still in high school...wait like 5 minutes.  Speaking of which she kisses Mikey earlier thinking he's Brand...no way, nuh uh, that girl knew what she was doing.  Fuck off Andi. 

Clearly the ship will be stopped by the government after this...there's no way that ship even gets remotely close to international waters.  They are taking all of that booty for themselves and the irony is they will use that money to spend even more to tear down all of their houses for an even bigger golf course loaded with Guns & Ammo magazines.  

And that's the Goonies!  We end with the bop by Cyndi Lauper - The Goonies R Good Enough.  That song is AMAZING and it has been in my head for 2 days since I watched the movie.  

The Goonies is still 5/5 on the movie scale. It's a classic.  The end.

I'm debating what to do for the next movie, but I am heavily debating Austin Powers or Star Wars. This was really fun so I'm definitely not taking 11 months to write another blog again.  

Jeff 

Space Jam

 

It's been since December of 2023 since I've written a blog, what's happened in the year and a half between in the world!?  Anything!?  I thought I would change it up a little, there's only so much blogging you can do about how you disagree with how stupid people are, so I'm going to watch movies and review them, writing down what I think as it happens.  Today, we're doing the 1996 classic, Space Jam.  

We're starting off hot!  With the "unproblematic" R. Kelly playing in the background right off the bat while the also... "unproblematic" James Jordan is rebounding shots for his son, young Michael Jordan.  I'm legit currently reading "Michael Jordan: The Life", I chose an awful time to see anything that has to do with his dad.  

My daughter asked me why are the opening credits just Michael Jordan highlights...honestly, I could watch just Michael Jordan highlights for an hour and twenty minutes.  That'd be no issue for me.  That's already one hour and ten minutes longer than LeBron's longest highlight reel (warning: I like LeBron, he has the best CAREER of any NBA player ever...but there will be many LeBron jokes in this). 

Bugs Bunny gets top billing in this movie which has always been hilarious to me.  Did his agent want equal billing with Michael or what?  Did David Falk (MJ's agent) just let this slide!?  

The Space Jam song by the Quad City DJ's is a legitimate bop and it's better than their only hit, The Train...I said it.  The Space Jam soundtrack is a legit 5/5 perfect soundtrack, it has it all!  A collection of rapper's rapping about Hitting Them High, then Hitting Them Low.  It has Seal covering Steve Miller.  It has a Basketball Jones cover where Chris Rock, Chris Rock's it.  It has a song Believing You Can Fly by a cult leader AND it has a song called Buggin' written by Jay-Z but rapped by Bugs Bunny.  Google that last sentence...I'll wait.  

Okay you're back!  Yeah, Jay-Z wrote a Bugs Bunny rap.  Welcome to 1996!

We're now to the Shawn Bradley think piece of this movie and I'm 4 minutes in.  Why was he in over Hakeem Olajuwon or David Robinson!?  You're building the best players and you just go for the tallest Mormon you can find?  Was there too much violence in this for David Robinson or what!?  More thoughts on the lineup later, I know this because I've seen this movie more than I'd care to admit. 

Also RIP Shawn Bradley.  

Four people wrote Space Jam.  Four.  And the director, Joe Pytka didn't direct a movie for 21 more years.  WTF.  Quick thought, that director did magic here. He got a dude who can't act to carry a movie with cartoons characters and Newman.  But seriously, FOUR WRITERS!?

I also want to know the timeline this movie was written.  MJ retired in the summer of 1993, he went and played baseball in 1994...came back to the NBA spring of 1995 and this movie came out in 1996.  So if you believe that he was legit secretly suspended for gambling, did Warner Brothers and the NBA in the meantime go in to cahoots and have the screenplay mirror what was going to happen in real life to create the highest grossing basketball movie of all time?!  Go ahead...look it up, I'll wait. 

LeBron could never.

Speaking of NBA conspiracies Patrick Ewing is in this, they froze that envelope so he'd be the number 1 pick for the Knicks, so who is to say that they didn't force MJ to "retire" then come back and make the best movie of all time since The Godfather 2.  

Back to the commercial...sorry, "movie"!  It starts with MJ playing baseball, let's discuss this for a second.  The dude played an entirely different sport until his 30's, went and played baseball, AA baseball at that and still hit over .200?!  LeBron could never.  Hitting a ball any athlete will say is the hardest thing in the world and this dude went to AA against future pros and minor league veterans and still hit over .200 which most major leaguers can't do now!?!?  MJ is the goat.  LeBron could never. 

Also, he left baseball then months later dropped over 50 at MSG against the Knicks so...yeah.  Goat.

Muggsy Bogues being in this is fun, but they took the shortest and the tallest (Bradley) players in this just for the movie.  If we're being realistic about this you're taking John Stockton or Gary Payton at this point to play...point.  I'd even argue Nick Van Exel.  Again, more thoughts later.  

Also Muggsy I think is in this only because MJ was so harsh in calling him a midget it legit ruined his career, so now he gets royalties from being in Space Jam.  That's my third conspiracy theory and we're like 20 minutes in. 

A player lost all his confidence just because MJ made fun of him, let that soak in....LeBron could never.

So MJ's home in this is an unguarded family home in the only nice part of Birmingham, Alabama.  That is the least believable part of this movie...a movie that has aliens try to take over the world by playing Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes in basketball and Michael's house is just not up to snuff (also that there's a single nice place in Birmingham...that is also not believable).

Also no security!?  His only security is Newman from Seinfeld...did they expect nothing bad to happen!?!?

Off topic, which child of his grew up to be caught with cocaine, I hope it wasn't Jeff!

Off topic part 2, when I was 8 I saw a basketball card with Michael Jordan's name, his middle name is Jeffrey.  That is legit why I chose him as my favorite player ever.  That and the cool Nike commercials.  I didn't know he'd be the best or tied for the best basketball player of all time when I was 8.  This story nobody believes, yet they believe that Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes can beat aliens for control of the world. 

The voice of Homer Simpson and the wife of Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond being courtside in this is so random.  Was Marge Simpsons busy!?  Was Ray Barone working!?  Did these two actors randomly date!?  I got to Google this.  Just wait...

No they didn't...why is this happening?!  Couldn't they have gotten someone big at that time for a cameo?  Cindy Crawford?  Pamela Anderson?  Kato Kaelin!?

Danny Ainge has range, and I'm not just talking about his basketball shooting.  What an actor!  "COME ON MAN GET BACK ON D!!!!"

Vlade Divac and Cedric Ceballos were masking up in this movie to protect themselves from losing their health, health that was being stolen from the other NBA players...could we not have played this movie for anti-vaxxers/maskers to show why that is important?!  That might have changed a lot of minds.  Kleeman for president...if we ever get a new one ever again.

Back to the movie!  Bill Murray, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan golfing outing.  I hate golfing...legit I hate it.  But if I was to be asked to go along on that trip, I'm leaving immediately, as fast as it took MJ to get abducted by the Toons down that hole.

I looked up the almost cast in this, Chevy Chase and Michael J Fox turned down Newman's role and Gheorge Muresan who is famous for being tall and in a Snicker's commercials ALSO turned this down.  Wow.

Also, Golf Jam and Skate Jam were almost things and I have to question why they weren't!? Tiger Woods at his height in Golf Jam, MJ would've done that cameo over Space Jam 2 in a second.  Skate Jam!?  It'd be like Gleaming the Cube but with cartoons.  I'm all in on these, come on WB!!!

We all wanna bang Lola Bunny right!?  Why is this happening!?  What are these feelings and why did they make her like this!?  She has to be a hot bunny to be good at basketball!?  

Oh, if that offends you I have bad news for you, turn on the news.

Also the Space Jam website is still up, go check it out.  I'm doing a new thing with my blogs where I'm not putting in too much work, so just go to another browser and look for it.  I will no longer link things.

Okay, it's game time...before that though let's get in to the rotation for the Monstars.  Ewing, Barkley and Grandmama Larry Johnson are all fine choices.  Big front line, then you add in Bradley!?  Then Bogues is your point....not one of them has any outside shooting so they must've been expecting a bruising, low scoring game.  But this is 1996 so if I'm forming the perfect team at that time?  Let's go with Payton for point guard, Clyde Drexler for my shooting guard (could go Reggie Miller here too), small forward I neeeeeed some outside scoring so Glen Rice is there (but if it's Reggie we're putting in Scottie Pippen for defense and a future 1 on 1 for dating his wife) just for some buckets, not for Rice's defense, then we have Barkley and Ewing already so we're good there, you could argue having Karl Malone and Hakeem or Robinson...OR SHAQ but Shaq had to go make crap movies (except Blue Chips, that movie is the shit).  

Also on the billing, MJ and Bugs up top, but the true star of this is Daffy Duck.  Steals the show in every scene, has Danny Ainge range in sports and acting.  He's great.

Fun parenting hack I stole from this movie, the Bugs Bunny water legit works when my kids are playing sports.  It's all mental, they had the heart to win this game the whole time!

Bill Murray coming back for a last second assist wearing a St. Paul Saint's hat is an underrated hat choice.  He's a better number 2 than Scottie Pippen. I SAID IT!

Toon Squad wins!  Kisses everywhere, I love the rabbit ear implications that Bugs Bunny is erect, again, are we all supposed to F Lola Bunny!?

The end of the movie is maybe the most unrealistic part.  Michael Jordan would not have given the powers back, especially to Muggsy.  But he did come back to win 3 straight titles for the second time in a row...LeBron could never.  

After 1998 we will just pretend he that he never went back to sports and played for another team (the Wizards....sigh) randomly for 2 years, then buy another team and be completely god awful at running it (the Bobcats/Hornets) and he definitely never had a Hall of Fame speech that made me cringe so hard I had to stop watching and he definitely, definitely did not get a Hitler mustache at any point (brave choice, would be better suited now I guess for a Tesla ad)...we're just gonna pretend he rode off in to the sunset in 1998 and was just an ambassador for the game.  And maybe he made the Space Jam sequel that would've brought us in to the world of Space Golf and Space Skate....

I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYYY

That's it!  That's the first one of these and I actually enjoyed writing this so that's neat.  I think I'll do one of these again, if you actually read this, maybe comment what movie I do and I'll abide. Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

December Should Be Closed

The point of this blog is right there in the title ya'll.  I don't want to work in December.  I mean, I'm Jeff Kleeman, I rarely want to work as it is anyway amiright?!  But let's get with the times, let's have an 11 month year.  Let's use December to literally do nothing but sit on a couch and catch up on TV shows.  Or work out.  Or, I guess, hang out with our families.  

Seriously, we have so little time as adults, it's insane the shit we have to do in December....skip this part if you don't have kids...I'll tell you when to resume below.  

Theme weeks are in session and it's hard to keep it straight with one kid, let alone two.  Did you know jammie day was on Monday AND on Friday but at separate schools? Then it's silly hat day.  Then it's silly socks.  Then it's silly nervous breakdown day for the parents.  I'm tired just typing that.  Add in the fact I work Monday-Friday, then add in all the kids events.  And homework.  And repeat.  Then you get the weekend, but get this, YOU DO NOT GET THE WEEKEND!

This time of the year you gotta go shopping on the weekends.  Or meet Santa...sometimes more than once.  You gotta see family that can't make it for Christmas.  You have office parties.  Friends parties.  Football...as a 49'ers fan this year it's insanely stressful, I'm glad I"m time stamping that thought on December 22nd, but having currently the best team gives me anxiety they might not win the whole thing.  And college football....I'm time stamping this as well on December 22nd, but Michigan is my team and they cheated to get where they are dammit and I need that win too!  (My condolences to my alma mater, the University of South Dakota, who got a game on national television and legit shit the damn bed, but they were #3!  What a football year for ME).

Anyway, back to non-football things.  Give us December off.  Give us the month, paid, to shop, do the kid stuff, the family stuff, all of the stuffs.  There's a few essential jobs that must be performed, so you docs, lawyers, police and retail people, you can figure something out for yourself, I got enough problems.  Speaking of which....

Let's get more phones.  I'm tired of my iPhone.  I want some options like we had back in the day.  Remember the Chocolate?  The RAZR?  The ENV3!?!?!  We literally have like 3 options for phones right now, I hate it.  It's time to update.  Bring me back to 2006...the fashion is already back to where it was, now bring me an updated version of the Nokia dammit.  

Speaking of phones...group chats need a leave chat feature.  I'm in about 8-9 different group chats...it won't stop.  I've legit thought of changing my number, or getting an additional line, just for people I want to hear from, that would save me a lot of annoyance.  But then someone would give that phone number out and I would be in 2 separate hells, 3 if you add in the 9ers anxiety, 4 if you add in how busy life is an adult.  

I also had a really fun observation about boomers that my wife told me to not write, it was too mean, it's Christmastime.  The premise essentially is how they talk down to people our age in their 30's and 40's, legit adults with jobs and kids, and act like the actual adults are still kids...it's maddening.  Also, if you want to play a fun game, go out to eat with a bunch of people over 50 and watch them try to split a bill...or figure out a tip (it's 20%...at worst, for everyone, if they crush it tip more, simple).  

Anyway, it's not like they helped cause how horrible everything is now and don't know how to not share fake links on social media and....I better quit, my wife was right.

Sick days though!  So sick days are definitely an issue now, especially with kids.  It sucks because look, I get it...people go to work sick because they want to store up their PTO in case their kids are sick or they want to have a free, non-sick day.  It sucks.  Factor in that our kids are getting us sick from the daycare we send our kids to, but then they can't stick around at the daycare because they are sick and it's just a vicious cycle.  It's the worst.  What do I propose here?  Clearly for most they may not have a chance to work from home...I mean I do, but most don't. 

Those who can, should be able to stay home and those who don't, I am so sorry, um...what do you suggest?  A daycare that has single rooms...kinda like jail, but not, where your sick kid can go in that room.  And it's loaded with toys and a TV and a bed.  Okay it's a kid jail, let's work on a fun name for it though.  Time Out Time.  Not Home, But Alone.  It's a work in progress.

Thank you all for reading.  Have a happy New Year.  It'll be 2024 so it should be great up until about August.  

Jeff

Are You Tired!? Do I Have Some Tips For You!

 

Hey there fellow adult!  If you're reading this, it's more than likely you were born before the year 2000.  If you are reading this and you weren't, then get the fuck outta here, what are you doing?  

So I'm tired literally all the time.  Is that because I'm 40?  Because I have 2 kids?  Because I stay up late and wake up early!?  WHO KNOWS!?

What I do know is I looked up some helpful hints and tricks to never be tired again, thanks Google!  So I'm going to share them because clearly they work.  I'm going to post each one in order with my opinion after and if you have any ideas to not feel tired all the time, please let me know, because as soon as I'm not tired all the time I'll be old...older than I am now. 

Here's some tips!

Eat Often

This can't be accurate can it?  Eating will cause me to be less tired!?  Usually it makes me more tired.  Honestly, I just had dinner a few hours ago and I've been fighting sleep since.  Also what am I supposed to eat to not be tired?  I feel that was a misprint and it was supposed to say "Beat Often".  Take that joke as you will but that's gonna keep me up more than eating. 

Get Moving

Yeah clearly moving around is going to make you less tired, but when am I supposed to do that?  I work at a desk or in my car, so maybe I go park my car for a bit and do some laps around the park and get moving.  But it's summer, so then I'm going to get super sweaty.  So am I supposed to go back to work super sweaty?  Okay, sweatier than I do already because it's summer time and I have leather seats and I'm literally drenched in sweat by the time I leave my car after my 20 minute commute?

* public service announcement.  I have a sweat blanket for my car.  What's a sweat blanket you may ask?  It's a blanket I put between my back and my hot leather chair that makes it so I don't get as sweaty.  In other news until I get a car with air conditioned seats, my kids blankets are my savior on a hot summer day...and it's only JUNE!  

Lose Weight to Gain Energy

So I was going to discuss this above, but getting moving is working out.  I enjoy working out.  I legit enjoy running.  Can I find the time to do any of that?  Minus now at 9 PM at night when I should be exercising and not writing a blog about how I'm tired and should be exercising?

When am I supposed to work out by the way?  6 AM in the morning when I'm super tired?  At night when I just want to sit and watch a show or mess around on my phone?  The middle of the day when I have to return to work!?  I already have issues sweating in my car, I don't want to go to work sweating even more.  Also why is all this sweat leaving my body not a work out and helping me be less tired!?  I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

Sleep

Oh yeah, actually SLEEPING!  Sure.  Okay, I'm 40 so when is that happening?  

When I decide to stay up later because I don't want to just work all the time and so I stay up later to watch a show so I don't feel like I just work?  Or is it in the morning when I randomly wake up an hour before my alarm because I have to pee all the time now?  Then I fall asleep and my wife's alarm goes off a half an hour before mine so then I lay there debating whether to go back to sleep or just look at my phone and then I fall asleep only for my alarm to wake me up literally minutes later?!  Or is it when I try to sleep in on the weekends and my kids, who are amazing btw, want me to come hang out with them?  Is it when I try to take a nap but I view naps as something that are amazing but also a waste of my time?  Do I like run on sentences!?

My buddy always said about being an adult with kids he will sleep when he dies, but holy shit man that's pretty fucking bleak isn't it?  Just go sleep man.  

*Ever read those articles where super successful people sleep only 3-4 hours a night?  Fuck those people, amiright!?

Reduce Stress

Did you not read the previous paragraph?  Just on trying to sleep I'm stressed.  What are we going to add now to my stress I can't reduce?  Let's see...

Inflation.  Rising costs.  Climate change.  Scary political climate.  Kids.  Their safety.  Money.  Saving for the future.  Trying to find time to sleep, work, workout, be a parent, a spouse, get alone time, finish a show or complete that video game I've tried to play since 2016.  

Also I'm so old that my shoulder randomly tore and it hurts to scratch my neck now.  To steal a great Seinfeld quote, but putting my name in instead...JEFF'S GETTING STRESSED OUT!

Therapy

I'm not dogging on therapy because therapy is a great and healthy thing, it's why I write, because it's therapeutic.  So I'm moving on to the next topic, but not before I say if I was to see a therapist that I would be more tired because they have quiet soothing voices...unless it's therapy like Gallagher, remember that guy!? 

Get me a sledgehammer and a watermelon please, that'll keep me awake!  Also there's two Gallagher's, they are brothers that are feuding...so now I gotta Google and see what's going on with them.

Cut Out Caffeine

How am I supposed to stay awake!?  NATURALLY!?  True story I didn't like coffee before I met my wife.  I never saw the point in it, it tastes like shit.  10 years later I mean, it's not that bad and I need it to live.  

Soda I always saw the point in.  I love it.  Dr. Pepper, Coke, Cherry Coke, all of it.  Give it to me...minus Pepsi Zero, gross.  So am I going to dabble and have one of those a day?  Yes.  Are you trying to tell me I'm supposed to cut that stuff out?  Did you hear of that old ass lady who drank a Dr. Pepper everyday?  She's still alive...I think.  You trying to tell me she didn't do something right?  How much do you think she slept!?

Drink Less Alcohol

Nope!  Next!

More Water

I do enjoy a good water.  It's the best drink ever...after whiskey...and Dr. Pepper...and sometimes milk but only if you had something chocolate...it's so good...or when you have a slice of pizza and drink some milk, I used to love that.  Now, I'm no longer a milk guy but I'm getting off topic.  Sleep?  Yes.

So there you have it!  All helpful tips that will be sure to make you feel super relaxed and ready to have a great day.  You can thank me later!

Thanks for reading:

Jeff

Oh did you know I wrote a book!?  I'd like to sell more and all of it goes to my kids college fund and if we sell more, like oh a million more maybe it can be a movie and then I can...hold up...the next blog I cast Burying the Past.  Then it essentially will be a cinch for those Hollywood types to get the movie going.  

LET'S GOOOOO!  PS buy the book, link below.  

Burying the Past

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is one of my favorite entertainers of all time.  He's one of the few childhood favorites of mine that hasn't gotten cancelled (please nobody send me anything if he has), he made The Jerk which is a top 5 comedy of all time and I recently started Murders in the Building which is a delightful show.  If you haven't watched it, picture a cross between a random PBS show with Martin Short being hilarious and throw in Selena Gomez being Selena Gomez and you got a 4.5/5 show.  

Anywhosers, back to Steve Martin.  I only named this blog "Steve Martin" because I had some fun thoughts on Parenthood...GET IT!?  CUZ HE WAS IN THAT MOVIE!?  So below will be some interesting things I've gathered on being a parent...well maybe a few more things since my last parenthood blog.

ALSO...my book is complete, I'm about to publish it.  I haven't yet because it feels like it's a time consuming process and I'm waiting on my cousin/brother to write my foreword who just had his first kid.  AND with a new job/being a parent and husband/football season/holidays/staring at a wall out of exhaustion, I can barely find time to write this.  That being said, thoughts on parenthood and getting older!

- I have a favorite kids song.  We're lucky because growing up all the kids songs were garbage, minus a few, specifically this one:

One of my best friends recently subjected to me to Danny Go and let me tell ya, that shit SLAPS!  Some quality there.  

- Speaking of these shows, the impatience of my kids is outstanding if a show is buffering or they can't access it.  Now I'm the old man who yells at a cloud when I explain back in MY DAY we only had 36 channels and had to buy or rent VHS or DVD's....even worse we had to wait for a show to air.  We truly lived in prehistoric times having to wait for Doug and Rugrats like we were cavemen.  

- The only thing we had it better than the kids now was when it comes to music.  I've had this conversation with a few people of "Are we old now or does the music actually suck?" and I'm of the belief it's both.  There's very few songs coming out now that are original or good.  If it's Olivia Rodrigo she's taking whatever song or melody was big back then (still good though!) and making hits or Elton John discovered he can just remake his older songs with someone and that gets radio play.  Also Dua Lipa is a robot, that is my next blog, 99 reasons why Dua Lipa is not a real human being.  

- Also, one of the most interesting observations about growing older, our parents didn't have social media.  So I'm guessing a lot of you boomers reading this got to stay in and not really be jealous of anyone going out because you weren't seeing it.  I'm in the interesting "I'm super jealous you get to go out and drink while I"m home with kids but at the same time it's 9 PM and I'm wearing sweatpants eating ice cream and I'm perfectly fine watching Unsolved Mysteries" portion of my life.  

I'd like to meet somewhere in the middle now that my kids are getting older.  I want to go out and RAGE or throw a house party and RAGE while listening to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, but I want to be done by 9:30 or 10:00 PM.  I'm not 35 anymore!  So those reading this, expect an invite of some sort in the near future to my Old Person Beer Pong Tournament, where it starts at 3 PM and ends by 9:00 PM...MAYBE 9:30 PM.  

I elaborated on the following above, but I'm going to revisit this, there is just not enough time in the day either, especially as a parent.  Typical day in one paragraph: woke up by my kid (it's fine, he's awesome and it's now at 6:30 AM!!!  Make breakfast, get them ready, go to school.  Go to work, forget you didn't eat breakfast.  Work.  Pick up kids make them dinner.  They go to bed.  You and your significant other, and I know this is EVERYONE, turn on a show and take your phones out in pure exhaustion.  Sleep.  Repeat.

What I would like to figure out is how to include a work out.  Binge watching a few shows or movies I've had on my list.  I would LOVE to play some video games that I've wanted to beat for a while (I've been halfway through Link to the Past for a good 6 years now....some day), listen to my records, finish some books perhaps?  I had a goal all weekend to play a WWE game and make all my friends in to characters, I haven't touched it...too tired by 10 PM.  I feel a sick day coming upon me cough cough.  (I'm just kidding work!)

- Cholesterol!?  Watching what I have to eat?  What the shit is this?  I just turned 40 which means if I even sniff cheese I'm going to be farting for a month straight.  Eating right, while good for you, is seemingly incredibly hard and boring.  The other thing I struggle with foodwise, when my kids don't finish something I grew up with the mindset that I gotta finish that.  So if we go out and eat and they don't finish that delicious chicken nug or that cheesy, fart inducing pizza I must finish ASAP.  

Parenthood is incredibly rewarding.  Do not get me wrong (kids if you're reading this in the future you're great!).  Just know when my kids get older and they can go and do more things independently, we're gonna have a role reversal and they are going to come home to me and Heather gaming at 1 AM, drinking some Natty Lights while I listen to my 2 Pac vinyl's.  Also I should watch the movie Parenthood, I've never seen it.  Time to add that to my "Movies Kleeman Surprisingly Hasn't Seen" list.  

Hey!  Thanks for reading, it's been a minute.  Next up, HOPEFULLY THE BOOK.  Please buy it, it's really good, I swear.  

Til next time,

Jeff

PS Movies I recently finished I somehow hadn't seen are: Roadhouse, My Cousin Vinny, White Men Can't Jump, Ghost, Point Break...all decent, none I will ever watch again. 

Movies on my list still: Death Becomes Her, Philadelphia, Cliffhanger, Police Academy (Kim Cattrall, Jeff's first crush!), Land of the Lost.  There's more, but if you just read this blog, it's gonna take a while!

Burying the Past Preview: The Many Jobs of Jeff Kleeman

 

I have had...a few jobs in my life, specifically during my younger years.  Approximately 28.  I'm not even kidding.  In the book, Burying the Past, coming to you hopefully Fall of '22 (3 chapters left!) ...the job chapter is easily the longest and possibly the funniest.  

I thought I'd take 3 examples from the book to get my Blogger page some attention, tease another entry from the book AND get my writer's block outta commission so I can finish the book AND write about the past few months which have been CRAZY in my next blog.  Here's the last preview of Burying the Past that is somehow almost complete.  

* Quick note!  If you are reading this and have any suggestions for the book I may have missed, feel free to send them my way!  After I finish the final chapters, I'll hit the fun proof-reading stage!

Picture from best job ever @ the Char

USD Foundation

I somehow worked here THREE separate times!  This was fundraising for my school, but here’s the catch, I never was a student during any of my stints there.  Isn’t that crazy!?  The first time I had finished my freshman year and needed a job, I was taking the next fall off just to clear my mind.  That sounds like I did something important, but I basically figured out I needed to go back to college at USD and worked odd jobs…and drank, a lot.

The second time was the summer of 2005 where me, Dozen, Bear and Muzzle worked there and somehow afforded an entire summer off of that salary.  I’m not entirely sure how we survived working 4 hours a day at that time, but we did it and we drank…a lot. 

The third time I was taking online classes with another university, but I needed money and here we were.  I actually won homecoming king of the office with a girl named Katrina winning queen who was really cool, we all had a crush on her, but she had a fiancé who lived in New Orleans, so we all called her Hurricane…yeah, I know this isn’t funny and it has aged horribly. 

One regret from this job, I ended up calling a woman who told me her son worked for SNL and that I should contact him to try for an internship.  Clearly writing for SNL or the Simpson’s was a dream job of mine.  I wrote down his number and…. never called it.  I don’t know why to this day.  I ended up losing the number along the way, so if you know a USD graduate whose son works for SNL, I’m still interested in the internship if I can bring my wife and kids. 

Year later, before I met my wife, I had a dream I was dating Kristen Wiig and writing for SNL from meeting this guy.  It was the best dream I had in my life at that time, only to be woken up by Simo to go see our family.  I have a weird belief that dreams could be an alternate reality so maybe I called in some other life…

My time at the Foundation ended as I just stopped showing up, thinking my job was saved, it was not. 

Rating: 4/5 Job; 0/5 For never calling that number.

 

Basketball Referee

This is the weirdest entry on the list.  The fall of 2001 I had taken a break from school.  I needed some money, so I applied with the parks and rec department at USD to do odd jobs.  One of which was a basketball referee.  I love basketball, being a ref will be a breeze, right!? 

To add even more fun into this, my buddy Tick needed a job too, so I recommended him, and we were assigned to ref the only game that him or I will ever referee ever again.  It was two fraternities up against each other, I had no idea they took it incredibly seriously.  I was still in shy mode at this time, so I remember calling maybe one foul.  Tick didn’t call any.  We got yelled at the entire game, it could not have ended fast enough.  We literally had no clue what we were doing and I was surprised we even got these jobs. 

This guy I went to high school with, since then he’s become better, but I fucking hated him at that point, went off on me and Tick.  The next day we were changed to strictly scoreboard duty, the both of us.  We could not even do that correctly.  Reffing was not in the cards for us.

We were not asked to come back after scoreboard duty ever again. 

Rating: 2/5

Wedding DJ

Brief, but I did help Dark Honey get a job at this place and at least he did great!  I DJ’d two weddings.  The first wedding the people didn’t even dance and it was super hick, so I had to listen to country music for literally 3 hours and ruin my Saturday night by not getting tipped and not going out with my friends.

The second wedding was ALSO super hick, but the music was pro wrestling themed as he proposed at Wrestlemania, awesome right!?  During the garter ceremony they actually crotch chopped each other and screamed “Suck it!” which was made famous by pro wrestling stable Degeneration-X.  It’s hard to describe, it’s best to go YouTube this.  But it was another failure of a wedding, no tips and it completely took over a Saturday night.  Besides the crotch chops, I am thankful I got the idea for personal introductions for each member of our wedding party from this reception. 

One last wedding I DJ’d was for the sister of an actress.  This wasn’t for that company I’d previously worked for; Stone was asked to DJ the wedding, so he got me and Beast to help him out.  It was nice because another sister of the actress was my former roommate, and I hadn’t seen her forever and we got to talk briefly which was awesome!  It was nice to catch up to her, it wasn’t nice to look like a child because I had to wear a polo shirt for Stone’s DJ’ing company.  The only catch was it was an XXL, I’m a medium, I looked like a child.  Easily, the best part of the wedding was the actress yelling at us to “FUCKING PLAY VANILLA ICE NOW!” and then she stormed off with a very bewildered Beast going, “I guess we better play Ice, Ice Baby!?”.  Then we got paid in nothing but Taco John’s tacos for our work.

Rating: 3/5  Taco John’s Rating: Always 5/5

I think three examples is the right amount and these don't even scratch the surface of that chapter.  Thanks for reading!  

Jeff Kleeman

Burying the Past Teaser

I'm writing a book about all the stories from my life, and since I am INSANELY close to being done, I thought I would share a chapter on my blog.  I gotta gauge the recation of anybody who may want to purchase and/or read the book right!?

The book is called Burying the Past, when you read the whole thing, you'll get the gist.  The story below is about our dear friend Jorge.  I hope you enjoy and I really hope you like the book.  

* everyone's names, besides mine, have been changed in the book unless I got permission, for legal purposes yada yada yada, enjoy!

Jorge

I was going to do a comical take on writing about Jorge.  I was going to do a big write up as if he were real and then at the very end reveal that Jorge was in fact a beer bong, before going into his funeral…yes you read that right.  But writing it that way would be in awful taste, just like the kind of taste that came out of Jorge and into us.

Jorge came about one night by Beast and Murphy, who wanted to make a beer bong for all to enjoy.  He was named after a brachiosaurus toy that grows in the water, that they had as a pet.  Those are not meant to be pets as they are not real, living beings so it got a bit…disgusting.  So, this was the next best thing. 

You would never think that a beer bong would mean so much to so many.  Having literally a wife, Brooke, with two stepchildren in Young Boy and BV.  The day Jorge debuted is well documented, which was rare during late 2003 because there wasn’t Facebook.  There were no smart phones.  No Instagram.  It was incredible looking back on it.  What we did have was a digital camera.  Then after you took the pictures, you had to manually put them on a computer, then either put on a zip drive or CD and give to friends.  So barbaric!

That night is the second night I had ever blacked out.  The first being my 21^st birthday.  I had no idea the power a beer bong had, because I was really stupid, I believe I had 10 beer bongs that night.  The pictures are great, showing a bunch of young people having a good time with Jorge, living our best life.  From that point forward Jorge was a part of our family for more than a year.  Here are some amazing stories about Jorge during his all too brief time with us. 

We went to Sioux Falls, SD for an interesting night.  Our friend Bro Bro was at a party at his brother’s house, so he asked us to come up, so we brought Jorge and got at it.  We all got really drunk, but my friend Ben wanted to leave because there were no girls there, so the most sober had to drive…that was me.  The reason I drove you may ask?  Murphy and Ben fell asleep in the car smoking a cigarette, Murphy woke up to the cigarette burning his pants.  It was time to go. 

This was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, as I drove from Sioux Falls to Vermillion, which is roughly an hour.  On my drive there was not one single car the entire time.  It was the luckiest I had ever been…or so I thought.  I had made it home and went to sleep, while we were gone there was a party at my house, common theme.  I was awakened at 8 AM by Cowriter running in to my room.  “Where the hell is Jorge!?!?!”.  Oh my god, we had left him in Sioux Falls at the party.  I frantically called Bro Bro to make sure Jorge was okay, but it was so early he wasn’t going to answer.

LUCKILY, he was awake.  As he was driving to his hometown cross state.  In his hungover daze he responded, “Don’t worry, Jorge is with me.  He’s okay!”.  Thank.  God.  Jorge was safely delivered back a week later. 

Jorge had an amazing run for a beer bong.  Honestly, he was part of the family.  When we moved houses, he came with.  The next year of his life was at a house called the Double Barrel.  This house, and I’ll allude more to this later, was at the time the biggest party house on campus.  There was a party every night of the week, sometimes Sundays were taken off, more often than not they weren’t.  One brutal spring night, I was in my room making a mix CD for the party…that is actually something I did…and Cowriter and Bro Bro ran to my room (what is with Cowriter and Jorge?!).  Someone had stepped on Jorge.  He was dead.  I was FURIOUS.  I found the person who stepped on him and approached him.  “You fucking killed him!?”.  Clearly this college kid was very confused what I was talking about, as his only response was, “What?”.  Well, that riled me up even more and I kicked him out of my house.  He was gone. 

We tried to figure out if we could save him, but it was impossible.  The dipshit stepped right on the base of the funnel and cracked it.  So we did what any normal college kids would do, we threw a funeral. 

This is, out of all the stories I have, one of the funniest and one of the most bizarre.  So that week was interesting, trying to figure out the best way to honor Jorge and his memory.  So Murphy made a casket for Jorge, our roommate Stone embalmed him with Icehouse.  The casket was expertly crafted, and when Murphy’s dad walked in on him making the casket, he told his dad that it was a cabinet for his shoes.  I don’t think he bought it, but he didn’t ask any questions. 

Literally the same week we were put on noise probation because we had over 200 people at our house.  Beast was back from Europe, which ironically is the reason I started journaling all of our stories.  Our other friend, Bodyguard, had just joined the Navy, so we had a going away/welcome back party of massive proportions.  We had to do this funeral but be really sneaky about it and have a small gathering of people, or this time we’d get in deep shit.  

That week we made funeral preparations.  Skeet would be the priest and give a sermon.  We had speakers set up for speeches about what Jorge meant to us.  And we had a gigantic backyard, so we decided to bury him in the back next to a rock that was randomly in the middle of the yard. 

The morning of the funeral, we ran in to some issues, because who wouldn’t?  Stone was having reservations about Skeet’s sermon.  We had started to dig the hole next to the rock, but we noticed it just kept going, and going, and going.  This rock went into the depths of the earth, but it was too late so we dug out a little further to fit a casket.  It fit.  Now we decided to have service at 4 PM that day.  The reason for that?

We lived next door to a fucking church.  And this was a Saturday.  So, we thought the funeral would be done relatively quick, then we’d have a procession through town, go back and bury him, then show our respects.  We had 6 pallbearers; I was one of them.  It’s a very weird photo to see as an adult, that’s for sure. 

As the funeral began, church goers next door were starting to show up.  They showed up EARLY.  As Skeet finished his abbreviated sermon, it was time for Murphy to do a speech.  As he was giving his respects to Jorge, the beer bong, Murphy saw his parents walking into church.  His speech was cut short.  It was time for the procession. 

The funeral procession was one of the most insane moments of my life.  Muzzle drove a Bravada, a large black vehicle that fit himself and the pallbearers.  Because I’m short and skinny, I always sat “bitch” which was in the middle back of each vehicle.  Or in weird circumstances like this, I would sit in the VERY back of a vehicle, and there I was, sitting right next to Jorge in his casket. 

We started driving in a 4-5 car procession around town and I started to tear up.  I don’t know what happened, but the emotion overcame me when I looked in the car behind us.  It was Skeet driving, with Bear shotgun, dressed up.  I looked down at Jorge’s casket and it was just a very surreal moment for me.  We did a loop through town and, I shit you not, two cars joined in on our procession.  One was an old lady who probably had no idea what was happening.  I swear to this day she did the sign of the cross while we drove.  You and me both lady.  I actually, no joke, started to tear up in the back. 

The other car that joined I have no clue who it was, but as we got back to our home, we put Jorge down.  I threw in a letter and some pictures, and we buried him back in the ground.  He is still there to this day.  Skeet bought the house we lived at, so some day, we will get Jorge out of the ground.  The day was also turned in to a college movie that was directed by Stone.  This situation can show you how insanely creative my group of friends are AND how motivated we can all be if we truly want to get something done.  Thanks Jorge.  For everything.

Beer bongs were still had afterward.  A sibling was made for Jorge, and we went through the ringer trying to name it.  We settled on the name of Ol’ Boot, who was a fine lad, it just wasn’t the same.  It’s never been the same honestly.  RIP Jorge. 

Parental Non-Advisory

 

I love this title.  It was going to be fuck daylight savings time, which was the reason for "parental advisory" but then I didn't want to sound like I'm giving parenting advice.  If you're watching your kid and helping them learn and develop and you have a roof over their head, you're doing just fine.  

Nope this article will be about parental observations because I haven't done one of these blogs in so long.  Reason I haven't written my blog in a while?  I'm writing my book!  It's an autobiography about my life.  Am I famous?  No.  Do I have great stories?  Yes.  Do I hope to make some money off of it and send it to a producer who I share the same name with and then have him option the rights to it and I make even more money off of it to pay off our student loans?  Maybe.  Here's parenting stuff I wanted to write about.

Daylight Savings is the worst.  We all know this.  It's definitely not needed anymore and it needs to go.  Either keep the fall back or the spring forward time and fucking GET RID OF IT.  It's great if you're in your 20's and you get an extra hour to get drunk and sleep in.  It's great if you're not a parent, but like, sort of.  It's cool to get that extra hour, but then it throws off your day.  Then when it gets warm you lose an hour anyway.  How is that fair?  Fuck daylight savings.  

Potty training a boy vs a girl is insanely different.  Girls just go right away.  No issues, at least for us.  Boys.  He's been potty trained since July.  But boy does he love poop in his pants (Leo when you read this in the future, I hope you have stopped by then).  The reason I'm writing about this is...well it was funny and gross lol.  You ever garden or do something outside and get mud stuck in your finger nail?  Yesterday I got poop stuck in my finger nail.  It was quite the surprise.  He had to poop, I didn't know there was poop in his pants, damn thing flew in the air and I caught it like a baseball, a little too well.  But yeah, if parenting has done anything to me, it's made me not get sick to my stomach on poop and puke, so that's a win. 

Daycare.  Daycare is great and crappy at the same time.  I love it because if you get a good one it's great.  The kids learn things.  Make friends.  That's awesome.  The crappy part?  The daycare cold.  Then we, the parents get it.  Then the kid gets sick at daycare and they can't go to daycare where they initially got sick.  Also, and I'll deal with this a lot more when I get older, shitty parents are the worst.  Daycare providers reading this, you know exactly the kind I'm talking about.  Also daycare should be free and the employees should make more money.  That's 1 of 100 things wrong with everything right now.  Tax the rich.  Pay for daycare.  Student loans.  Education.  Raise the minimum wage.  Term limits.  Wait, I thought this was about kids?

Halloween is the best.  For every single age.  0-12.  Trick or treating, free candy.  13-18.  Parties, I'm assuming.  Or put on a costume and still go, who cares?  18-25.  College parties.  26-34 adult parties.  35-58 adult parties or hand out candy to trick or treaters which is fun or go out with your kids and get UNLIMITED FREE CANDY AS AN ADULT.  We won't go past 58 but I'm guessing handing out candy is pretty cool to kids, but old people always hand out the shittiest candy.  So listen up my generation, full size candy bars if you can afford it or at worst the bag with Baby Ruth's in them.  

Back to the free candy.  I haven't had this many Kit Kat's in years...and I love that.  Thanks people!

Another thing that's true for all ages.  Food shaped as things tastes better.  Mac and cheese?  Yeah it's good.  Mac and cheese in the shape of Spongebob?  Give me more.  Same goes for sandwiches.  Cut those things up, even in a triangle, boom tastes better.  You cut them in to stars and circles?  Holy shit, gourmet.  

When do bubbles lose their appeal?  Maybe bubbles start to suck at like age 7?  But man do kids f'ing love bubbles.  I walked in to my son's daycare last week and they were just sitting around a bubble machine, watching it like I used to watch movies in college when I was inebriated.  I don't get it.  

Movies now are crazy.  And shows.  Imagine having to wait like we did to watch a show.  Or rent it?  Now when the kids want to watch something, it's instant access.  Lucky jerks.  If I wanted to rent Ladybugs I had to go to the video store like a not normal 9 year old and pay $1.  Also, I have no idea why I liked that crappy movie so much.  Speaking of movies.  How are there 4 Chipmunk movies!?  Didn't we get it after movie one?  Did we really need 3 more to help us progress the story of Dave and how he made friends with singing chipmunks and then used them and their talent?  After the book is done, I might review children's movies, or movies in general from a realistic point of view.  I'll call it, "Why?".

I think that's it for me.  I won't write another of these for a while because I have a goal to finish this book by December 31st.  After that, meh we'll see.  Have a great day everyone.  And screw leap year.  

Jeff

Planes, Trains and All of the Feels

 

Let me tell you about vacations, they are amazing.  They are exhausting.  They are expensive.  They give you memories that will last a life time.  (Also I almost named this blog Napa Know How, but I thought the word play was better with this). 

Last December, we had the idea to book a trip to wine country in June.  We were REALLY hoping things would be better by then, luckily things are...well sort of better.  On our plan for this trip, we were lucky to talk one of our better friend couples, The Coley's, in to coming, and wouldn't you know it, they said yes!

This vacation was so good, so interesting, and so silly, I thought it would make the perfect topic for a Kleeman Report.  Let's begin!

WEDNESDAY

Vacations, especially for parents of young children, are a silly thing.  You book the vacation MONTHS in advance, wanting to get some much needed rest, maybe get a little drunk, and definitely be able to do things at a different location past 8 pm (on the west coast it would've been a bed time/hotel hang out of 6 PM if we brought the kids).  So we got to do all of those things, but you miss your kids incredibly bad (if you're a good parent anyway) so when we left at 4 AM on Wednesday morning I felt incredibly guilty for leaving the kids (with their grandparents btw, they can't fend for themselves until the oldest is 7...just kidding).  

Also driving an hour to the airport at 4 AM, downing a coffee energy drink has got to be the absolute worst thing for my health.  First, way less sleep.  Second, I just inhaled whatever the hell they put in that energy drink which, third, leads to the shakes lol.  If I would've been pulled over, I would've told whoever pulled me over I was wasted JUST so I didn't have to drive anymore.  

Back to the airport, so airports are always weird and they always suck.  That's just my opinion (my spot on opinion).  You take a bunch of people and throw them in a little tin can of a place and watch anarchy ensue.  Add in the stress of doing this STILL during a pandemic.  Sprinkle in some "people have always sucked, but now they are 10x worse after the last year".  Then throw in tired/excited for their trip and you have a recipe usually for disaster.  LUCKILY, this first part was fine...for us.  The Coley's got delayed at a different airport, which is always the absolute worst (more on this later) for the people and the people meeting them (luckily this part ended up fine for us as well).

Layover in Phoenix, then off to the San Fran airport.  I'm a 49'ers fan, this is known.  Biggest observation of the airport?  There is literally no 9'ers swag at the airport.  Just nothing.  Every airport has a ton of stores showing off their local team.  The Phoenix airport had a Suns shirt so cool, I debated making them my second favorite team (still, go Bulls).  But San Fran?  Nothing.  Doesn't exist.  Also if you want to eat, good f'ing luck doing it after you get your bags.  So we hadn't ate since the previous day, it was now noon'ish and the only, the ONLY PLACE, to get any food was a Starbucks, luckily located by the baggage claim for our delayed friends, the Coley's.  Now for the rental car!

Rental cars suck.  Trust me I used to work at Enterprise, they suck.  You don't get the insurance, you don't need it, but question if you should've gotten it the whole time...even though you don't need it.  Then they have all these hidden fees, especially in California with them damn troll tolls.  Other than that, absolutely solid time with our Mitsubishi family car.  

Our time in San Fran wasn't long, but we did happen to stumble to the Wharf.  We had been there years ago with another couple (the Pew's) but nothing had really changed besides more masks (by about 99% more).  Just a bunch of tourist traps, seafood and NO 49'ERS GEAR ANYWHERE!  It's literally my birthday in days, come on.  

So wine country, Napa...  I love (still do after writing this!).  Is it overpriced?  Yes, but everything is overpriced, even the McChicken is now overpriced.  The only thing that honestly sucked was getting there.  Here's a fun fact I learned, there is nowhere to pee in San Fran.  So Napa is very, very close, so I decide to hold my pee...here's also what I learned...if you hold your pee long enough you start to lose feeling in your toes and fingers.  Yeah, that happened lol.  

The resort we stayed at was legit fantastic.  Do I remember the name?  No, but if you really want to know you can message me and ask, then I'll ask my wife or Gina (cuz David probably can't name it either lol), then let you know.  

Also we decided on Napa in June because the temps are normal.  I forgot to mention that.  The temps are normal...they are usually normal....they aren't normal, it was over 90 the entire time, hitting triple digits each day except the last.  So there was some sweat.  But everywhere we booked was outside.  So this is the only vacation I've ever lost weight because as I was eating, it was instantly sweating out of my body.  

Also I love the West Coast for two reasons, sports are on way earlier.  And when I visit 8 PM is 10 PM and I have no issues going to bed.

THURSDAY

WINE TRAIN DAAAAAAAY.  One of the most fun things I've ever done.  So this is a train that you get on, drink some wine, eat some food in courses, then in between go to wineries and drink more wine.  Napa is one adult drunk fest and I'm here for that.  

A few things from this day, I'll make it seem shorter by writing it this way:

- it's known I love chatting up people, especially on vacation.  Our table bonded with 3 ladies from the Dominican Republic, initially by singing the classic "C'Mon and Ride It (The Train)" by the Quad City DJ's. then getting IN to the friend zone with all of them through our love of Keith Sweat "Nobody".    They later on bought me a whiskey and I think a birthday dollop of gelato.

- the train broke down I think 3-4 times, at the time it sucked, until I realized it got us more time on the train and we got to know some of our fellow passengers.  Our two tables in the back got the train going so much that we all ended up getting a dance party started in the outside portion.  Still got it.  

- I had some favorites on the train.  One was a guy who came with his grandma, he was super shy, then at the end busted out some dance moves with the loudest lady from the D.R. to the amazement of everyone, except his grandma (that bitch new he had game).  I was also convinced Mark Sanchez was on our train, and he was the biggest wet blanket until the end, and I'm convinced it's because he was racist until he got drunk.  Also the guy whose girlfriend I kept calling Katy Perry was fun, hint...she didn't remotely look like Katy Perry.  

- the history of Napa is incredible, each place having a different story is just so cool to me.  I'm not going to recap any of it, because this is long enough, but I highly suggest going and just visit any winery, chat them up, and get some great stories from them.  

FRIDAY

Winery day.  We did three this day.  Here's a good observation made by someone that might have been me: "It's not buzzed driving if you're a parent, the cops know".  I was only half kidding ;)

*edit cuz I'm not deleting any of the above, my wife said it was two wineries this day, we had a massage that morning.  I f'ing love massages, this one was one of those that really hurt but got rid of whatever has been living in my back for the past year.  It was incredible.  When it ended, I definitely was not happy.  

*edit cuz I'm not deleting that last joke...that joke never works and I only think it's funny, so it stays.

The first winery was fine, we just noticed that women love to raise their leg and move their hip in every picture, so I had to contribute with David.

The second winery really changed my perspective on wine and really made me think about life.  I'm completely serious.  I don't remember the name of the place, but you drove up a hill for what seemed like a half hour, but then you got this view.  

- I found out what a sommelier was on this trip.  That's a job.  Drink wine and talk about it.  Doing taste tests like it's the Pepsi challenge, but for wine.  They make bank and get to have mustaches, what a life!

- Wine being a moment in life makes sense, I'm not some wine snob because I can't name a single one besides Relax.  But trying different wines from different years, but the same kind of wine...and they taste different was pretty cool.  Or hearing how it's farmed.  And how if you farm differently can help prevent global warming.  Just a lot of cool things to digest.  

- also it was really hot.

SATURDAY

I'm not going to recap everything on this vacation.  Three wineries on this day.  The first one gave us like 8 glasses and we didn't pay (thanks Izzy!).  The second one had a girls bachelorette party...so more pictures with legs raised (I'm used to those at a bachelor party...WAYO!!!).

Also I love these vacays with friends.  I can't talk enough about how awesome the Coley's were on this trip.  Just adventures during the day.  By night some wine while watching a basketball classic between the Bucks and the Nets.  Then sleep.  Hell yeah, let's do another.  Next time let's add a third couple for two more adventurers!

SUNDAY

Sort of the last day of the vacation.  These days are weird cuz you're in this dead zone of what to do.  You pack if you're a planner like all four of us are.  So then you try to do things to kill time because if you read above, we're all exhausted by this point.  We had one more visit to this dessert place in this town, then to buy $200 fried chicken for lunch.

Somehow on this trip we haven't filled up the gas tank once, which was nice, so we put in $8 and went to the coolest town in the country, Sausalito!

* I copied and pasted that from 2015 when we went, I thought that then, Sausalito is still really cool, but man I was either exhausted or tired of spending money by this point.  Plus, get this, Sausalito is right outside of San Fran...NO 9ERS SWAG! 

The only advice I would give, we didn't get dinner because all of us were so full and tired of food and wine, I had a cheeseburger a half hour before I went to sleep that night.  That was a bottom 5 moment all time for me.  It's this list, in no order:

1. Eating a cheeseburger 30 minutes before bed as a man in his late 30's (birthday next week!).

2. Dying my hair blonde once.  

3. Dating one girl in college who thought it was cool to say teh (pronounced TAY) instead of the word the (pronounced exactly how it's spelled).

4. Working for USD in 2016.

5. Trying to finish a gallon of milk in under an hour...twice.

MONDAY

Flight day!  The best/worst day.  You're tired.  You want to get home.  You're smelly (admit it).  You're sick of spending money.  And we REALLY missed our kids.  

I also saved this part for last because it was a fun trip, so the last thing I want to do is complain about a cool trip we got to take during a pandemic, but dear lord do people suck.  Either I'm getting older now and just cranky, or people are 10x worse since all this pandemic/political crap.  Things that annoyed me on this trip, mostly at the airport:

- the people who were wearing "fake" masks.  Just F off.  I had to wear my mask for 14 straight hours.  I did it because it's what we were told to do, it's the right thing to do at the airport (even if vaxed), and the fact you went through all that work to wear a mask all day, but the wrong kind on purpose shows you're more of an idiot than anything.  

- selfish ass people.  So we were trying to catch a quick layover and this guy at the front of the plane wasn't listening to the flight attendant to sit down so we could land.  He was reorganizing his bags and his kids stuff, wearing headphones and not listening to anybody.  So of course when it was time to get off the plane, who was the asshole taking as long as possible to get his stuff out and organize it while people were waiting behind him?  That dick.

- if you're glass half full like me...which I'm barely hanging on to these days, you can take a lot out of the last year and the improvements that have/can be made off of the last year.  Airports and airplanes need to change their shit.  Bigger seats, cheaper prices, more options of how and where to fly.  Actually following through with restrictions for fellow passengers and not being afraid of far left or far right Karen's (also we need a new term, I've met some super nice Karen's lately, one on our tram to get to our connecting flight!).  

Other than airport related things it was a super great trip, with some great friends at a place everyone should attempt to visit at some point, but the best part....was seeing my kids.  After the delay of course.

Oh delay's...aren't they lovely?  They are out of your control, so you sit there like a clueless idiot, because you are.  Watching a flight that you saw was already in the air being delayed for 5 minutes....then 15....then 32....then 45....at the most crucial part of your trip, wanting to see your kids.  FINALLY boarding, and I shouldn't be complaining because it was legit an extra hour, but when you want to see your kids it's like days, I can see why Cameron Poe in Con Air just wanted to chill, he just wanted to get his kid that teddy bear!

But let me tell you, that part when you see your kids after a long vacation, there's nothing like it.  Nothing.  

That's the memory I'll take from this vacation, oddly it's of me coming home.  My daughter being so excited she didn't know what to do.  My son just squealing, there's a better word than squealing but I can't think of it, he was just so happy that we were home.  Snuggling on the couch with them and the love they have for us is truly better than any feeling I've ever had...and I've met Coolio.

Lastly my wife, the adventures we've been on, and will continue to go on...there's nothing like it.  Here's our best photo from the trip.

Our next trip is to see the 9ers play the Bears in Chicago, quick little 48 hour trip in October...and I swear to god I know without a shadow of a doubt, that the damn Chicago airport will have 100x the amount of Bears swag than the San Fran airport did for the 9ers.  

Thanks for reading!  I hear I was interviewed by PBS about why my family left South Dakota...I'll give you three guesses what my next blog is about.  If I even write it (I don't know who reads this, it just tells me a number, but there's a certain few I'd love to bitch out for not just asking me and bitching to others like a child, I'm really not that interesting to still be talked about one year after we moved), reactions I've heard have been "yeah, duh" to the other end where either people are mad I dissed the state or didn't know...and still don't...what the reasons were...and it wasn't all job related, that was probably dead last.  Thanks for reading, see you next week.

Til next time.

Jeff