Space Jam

 

It's been since December of 2023 since I've written a blog, what's happened in the year and a half between in the world!?  Anything!?  I thought I would change it up a little, there's only so much blogging you can do about how you disagree with how stupid people are, so I'm going to watch movies and review them, writing down what I think as it happens.  Today, we're doing the 1996 classic, Space Jam.  

We're starting off hot!  With the "unproblematic" R. Kelly playing in the background right off the bat while the also... "unproblematic" James Jordan is rebounding shots for his son, young Michael Jordan.  I'm legit currently reading "Michael Jordan: The Life", I chose an awful time to see anything that has to do with his dad.  

My daughter asked me why are the opening credits just Michael Jordan highlights...honestly, I could watch just Michael Jordan highlights for an hour and twenty minutes.  That'd be no issue for me.  That's already one hour and ten minutes longer than LeBron's longest highlight reel (warning: I like LeBron, he has the best CAREER of any NBA player ever...but there will be many LeBron jokes in this). 

Bugs Bunny gets top billing in this movie which has always been hilarious to me.  Did his agent want equal billing with Michael or what?  Did David Falk (MJ's agent) just let this slide!?  

The Space Jam song by the Quad City DJ's is a legitimate bop and it's better than their only hit, The Train...I said it.  The Space Jam soundtrack is a legit 5/5 perfect soundtrack, it has it all!  A collection of rapper's rapping about Hitting Them High, then Hitting Them Low.  It has Seal covering Steve Miller.  It has a Basketball Jones cover where Chris Rock, Chris Rock's it.  It has a song Believing You Can Fly by a cult leader AND it has a song called Buggin' written by Jay-Z but rapped by Bugs Bunny.  Google that last sentence...I'll wait.  

Okay you're back!  Yeah, Jay-Z wrote a Bugs Bunny rap.  Welcome to 1996!

We're now to the Shawn Bradley think piece of this movie and I'm 4 minutes in.  Why was he in over Hakeem Olajuwon or David Robinson!?  You're building the best players and you just go for the tallest Mormon you can find?  Was there too much violence in this for David Robinson or what!?  More thoughts on the lineup later, I know this because I've seen this movie more than I'd care to admit. 

Also RIP Shawn Bradley.  

Four people wrote Space Jam.  Four.  And the director, Joe Pytka didn't direct a movie for 21 more years.  WTF.  Quick thought, that director did magic here. He got a dude who can't act to carry a movie with cartoons characters and Newman.  But seriously, FOUR WRITERS!?

I also want to know the timeline this movie was written.  MJ retired in the summer of 1993, he went and played baseball in 1994...came back to the NBA spring of 1995 and this movie came out in 1996.  So if you believe that he was legit secretly suspended for gambling, did Warner Brothers and the NBA in the meantime go in to cahoots and have the screenplay mirror what was going to happen in real life to create the highest grossing basketball movie of all time?!  Go ahead...look it up, I'll wait. 

LeBron could never.

Speaking of NBA conspiracies Patrick Ewing is in this, they froze that envelope so he'd be the number 1 pick for the Knicks, so who is to say that they didn't force MJ to "retire" then come back and make the best movie of all time since The Godfather 2.  

Back to the commercial...sorry, "movie"!  It starts with MJ playing baseball, let's discuss this for a second.  The dude played an entirely different sport until his 30's, went and played baseball, AA baseball at that and still hit over .200?!  LeBron could never.  Hitting a ball any athlete will say is the hardest thing in the world and this dude went to AA against future pros and minor league veterans and still hit over .200 which most major leaguers can't do now!?!?  MJ is the goat.  LeBron could never. 

Also, he left baseball then months later dropped over 50 at MSG against the Knicks so...yeah.  Goat.

Muggsy Bogues being in this is fun, but they took the shortest and the tallest (Bradley) players in this just for the movie.  If we're being realistic about this you're taking John Stockton or Gary Payton at this point to play...point.  I'd even argue Nick Van Exel.  Again, more thoughts later.  

Also Muggsy I think is in this only because MJ was so harsh in calling him a midget it legit ruined his career, so now he gets royalties from being in Space Jam.  That's my third conspiracy theory and we're like 20 minutes in. 

A player lost all his confidence just because MJ made fun of him, let that soak in....LeBron could never.

So MJ's home in this is an unguarded family home in the only nice part of Birmingham, Alabama.  That is the least believable part of this movie...a movie that has aliens try to take over the world by playing Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes in basketball and Michael's house is just not up to snuff (also that there's a single nice place in Birmingham...that is also not believable).

Also no security!?  His only security is Newman from Seinfeld...did they expect nothing bad to happen!?!?

Off topic, which child of his grew up to be caught with cocaine, I hope it wasn't Jeff!

Off topic part 2, when I was 8 I saw a basketball card with Michael Jordan's name, his middle name is Jeffrey.  That is legit why I chose him as my favorite player ever.  That and the cool Nike commercials.  I didn't know he'd be the best or tied for the best basketball player of all time when I was 8.  This story nobody believes, yet they believe that Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes can beat aliens for control of the world. 

The voice of Homer Simpson and the wife of Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond being courtside in this is so random.  Was Marge Simpsons busy!?  Was Ray Barone working!?  Did these two actors randomly date!?  I got to Google this.  Just wait...

No they didn't...why is this happening?!  Couldn't they have gotten someone big at that time for a cameo?  Cindy Crawford?  Pamela Anderson?  Kato Kaelin!?

Danny Ainge has range, and I'm not just talking about his basketball shooting.  What an actor!  "COME ON MAN GET BACK ON D!!!!"

Vlade Divac and Cedric Ceballos were masking up in this movie to protect themselves from losing their health, health that was being stolen from the other NBA players...could we not have played this movie for anti-vaxxers/maskers to show why that is important?!  That might have changed a lot of minds.  Kleeman for president...if we ever get a new one ever again.

Back to the movie!  Bill Murray, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan golfing outing.  I hate golfing...legit I hate it.  But if I was to be asked to go along on that trip, I'm leaving immediately, as fast as it took MJ to get abducted by the Toons down that hole.

I looked up the almost cast in this, Chevy Chase and Michael J Fox turned down Newman's role and Gheorge Muresan who is famous for being tall and in a Snicker's commercials ALSO turned this down.  Wow.

Also, Golf Jam and Skate Jam were almost things and I have to question why they weren't!? Tiger Woods at his height in Golf Jam, MJ would've done that cameo over Space Jam 2 in a second.  Skate Jam!?  It'd be like Gleaming the Cube but with cartoons.  I'm all in on these, come on WB!!!

We all wanna bang Lola Bunny right!?  Why is this happening!?  What are these feelings and why did they make her like this!?  She has to be a hot bunny to be good at basketball!?  

Oh, if that offends you I have bad news for you, turn on the news.

Also the Space Jam website is still up, go check it out.  I'm doing a new thing with my blogs where I'm not putting in too much work, so just go to another browser and look for it.  I will no longer link things.

Okay, it's game time...before that though let's get in to the rotation for the Monstars.  Ewing, Barkley and Grandmama Larry Johnson are all fine choices.  Big front line, then you add in Bradley!?  Then Bogues is your point....not one of them has any outside shooting so they must've been expecting a bruising, low scoring game.  But this is 1996 so if I'm forming the perfect team at that time?  Let's go with Payton for point guard, Clyde Drexler for my shooting guard (could go Reggie Miller here too), small forward I neeeeeed some outside scoring so Glen Rice is there (but if it's Reggie we're putting in Scottie Pippen for defense and a future 1 on 1 for dating his wife) just for some buckets, not for Rice's defense, then we have Barkley and Ewing already so we're good there, you could argue having Karl Malone and Hakeem or Robinson...OR SHAQ but Shaq had to go make crap movies (except Blue Chips, that movie is the shit).  

Also on the billing, MJ and Bugs up top, but the true star of this is Daffy Duck.  Steals the show in every scene, has Danny Ainge range in sports and acting.  He's great.

Fun parenting hack I stole from this movie, the Bugs Bunny water legit works when my kids are playing sports.  It's all mental, they had the heart to win this game the whole time!

Bill Murray coming back for a last second assist wearing a St. Paul Saint's hat is an underrated hat choice.  He's a better number 2 than Scottie Pippen. I SAID IT!

Toon Squad wins!  Kisses everywhere, I love the rabbit ear implications that Bugs Bunny is erect, again, are we all supposed to F Lola Bunny!?

The end of the movie is maybe the most unrealistic part.  Michael Jordan would not have given the powers back, especially to Muggsy.  But he did come back to win 3 straight titles for the second time in a row...LeBron could never.  

After 1998 we will just pretend he that he never went back to sports and played for another team (the Wizards....sigh) randomly for 2 years, then buy another team and be completely god awful at running it (the Bobcats/Hornets) and he definitely never had a Hall of Fame speech that made me cringe so hard I had to stop watching and he definitely, definitely did not get a Hitler mustache at any point (brave choice, would be better suited now I guess for a Tesla ad)...we're just gonna pretend he rode off in to the sunset in 1998 and was just an ambassador for the game.  And maybe he made the Space Jam sequel that would've brought us in to the world of Space Golf and Space Skate....

I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYYY

That's it!  That's the first one of these and I actually enjoyed writing this so that's neat.  I think I'll do one of these again, if you actually read this, maybe comment what movie I do and I'll abide. Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

December Should Be Closed

The point of this blog is right there in the title ya'll.  I don't want to work in December.  I mean, I'm Jeff Kleeman, I rarely want to work as it is anyway amiright?!  But let's get with the times, let's have an 11 month year.  Let's use December to literally do nothing but sit on a couch and catch up on TV shows.  Or work out.  Or, I guess, hang out with our families.  

Seriously, we have so little time as adults, it's insane the shit we have to do in December....skip this part if you don't have kids...I'll tell you when to resume below.  

Theme weeks are in session and it's hard to keep it straight with one kid, let alone two.  Did you know jammie day was on Monday AND on Friday but at separate schools? Then it's silly hat day.  Then it's silly socks.  Then it's silly nervous breakdown day for the parents.  I'm tired just typing that.  Add in the fact I work Monday-Friday, then add in all the kids events.  And homework.  And repeat.  Then you get the weekend, but get this, YOU DO NOT GET THE WEEKEND!

This time of the year you gotta go shopping on the weekends.  Or meet Santa...sometimes more than once.  You gotta see family that can't make it for Christmas.  You have office parties.  Friends parties.  Football...as a 49'ers fan this year it's insanely stressful, I'm glad I"m time stamping that thought on December 22nd, but having currently the best team gives me anxiety they might not win the whole thing.  And college football....I'm time stamping this as well on December 22nd, but Michigan is my team and they cheated to get where they are dammit and I need that win too!  (My condolences to my alma mater, the University of South Dakota, who got a game on national television and legit shit the damn bed, but they were #3!  What a football year for ME).

Anyway, back to non-football things.  Give us December off.  Give us the month, paid, to shop, do the kid stuff, the family stuff, all of the stuffs.  There's a few essential jobs that must be performed, so you docs, lawyers, police and retail people, you can figure something out for yourself, I got enough problems.  Speaking of which....

Let's get more phones.  I'm tired of my iPhone.  I want some options like we had back in the day.  Remember the Chocolate?  The RAZR?  The ENV3!?!?!  We literally have like 3 options for phones right now, I hate it.  It's time to update.  Bring me back to 2006...the fashion is already back to where it was, now bring me an updated version of the Nokia dammit.  

Speaking of phones...group chats need a leave chat feature.  I'm in about 8-9 different group chats...it won't stop.  I've legit thought of changing my number, or getting an additional line, just for people I want to hear from, that would save me a lot of annoyance.  But then someone would give that phone number out and I would be in 2 separate hells, 3 if you add in the 9ers anxiety, 4 if you add in how busy life is an adult.  

I also had a really fun observation about boomers that my wife told me to not write, it was too mean, it's Christmastime.  The premise essentially is how they talk down to people our age in their 30's and 40's, legit adults with jobs and kids, and act like the actual adults are still kids...it's maddening.  Also, if you want to play a fun game, go out to eat with a bunch of people over 50 and watch them try to split a bill...or figure out a tip (it's 20%...at worst, for everyone, if they crush it tip more, simple).  

Anyway, it's not like they helped cause how horrible everything is now and don't know how to not share fake links on social media and....I better quit, my wife was right.

Sick days though!  So sick days are definitely an issue now, especially with kids.  It sucks because look, I get it...people go to work sick because they want to store up their PTO in case their kids are sick or they want to have a free, non-sick day.  It sucks.  Factor in that our kids are getting us sick from the daycare we send our kids to, but then they can't stick around at the daycare because they are sick and it's just a vicious cycle.  It's the worst.  What do I propose here?  Clearly for most they may not have a chance to work from home...I mean I do, but most don't. 

Those who can, should be able to stay home and those who don't, I am so sorry, um...what do you suggest?  A daycare that has single rooms...kinda like jail, but not, where your sick kid can go in that room.  And it's loaded with toys and a TV and a bed.  Okay it's a kid jail, let's work on a fun name for it though.  Time Out Time.  Not Home, But Alone.  It's a work in progress.

Thank you all for reading.  Have a happy New Year.  It'll be 2024 so it should be great up until about August.  

Jeff

Random Thoughts Vol. 25

I had an idea for about 38 different blogs..okay I'm lying...36.  But none of them are really wow'ing me at the moment.  But I wanted to write, because I like to write...so I thought I would just put all of these ideas into one blog in an idea that I've clearly done 36 times before...okay, 34 times before.  So here we go another Random Thoughts!

Random Thoughts 31 Part 8

We're binge watching Suits right now.  How is it when this originally aired nobody gave a shit about it, but it drops on Netflix I get literally 8 different people in a span of 2 days telling me to watch this show?  It's good, it's just not Mad Men/Game of Thrones/Breaking Bad good.  It's more in that Dexter/Californiacation...any shitty show on Showtime territory of occasionally great, mostly average...and sometimes awful shows.  Anyways, go watch Suits!

Being a parent, I can see how every generation before us was like "it'll go too fast!".  It does...sort of.  It can go insanely slow sometimes, but that's when you're not doing anything.  But we have approached busy season and I swear, tomorrow will be Christmas.  We got 2 kids.  Both at the age you should have them in things, so piano, swimming, practice piano, soccer, practice soccer, soccer practice, dance, soccer and dance the same night, school function, and birthday party...oh my god the birthday parties!  So many!  We legit were invited to a birthday party where my kid didn't even know the person.  

So when someone says it goes by fast, it's only because you're busy....because when it goes by slow, parenthood is can sometimes be pure hell.  They are learning how to be humans, their emotions are insane, they get cranky and complain and it's loud, especially at birthday parties...oh my god the birthday parties!  So many!  Did I happen to tell you we were invited to a very loud one that we didn't even know the person!?  

Also if I was watching Suits while it originally was airing, I would've been extremely concerned for Megan Markle due to her not being the best actress.  Hoping she could somehow land on her feet...good for her, that's all I gotta say.  That's enough about Suits!

Boomers love milk.  We went on a trip and both sets of parents watched the kids, they did great so this isn't a diss.  But old people, besides thinking everyone is underfed LOVE MILK.  That's it, that's my thought.  Imagine me trying to stretch that idea in to one full blog, WTF was I thinking?!  But seriously, so much milk drank.  So much cereal eaten. All of our coffee creamer over a span of 4 days gone.  The "Got Milk" campaigns were clearly designed to keep us going, but as I've gotten older milk is kinda garbage.  

Also there's nobody really that rootable in Suits.  Okay, enough about Suits!  Besides Donna.  Sort of, she has her moments of sucking.  But she's rootable.  She's fine.  Louis goes in and out of being annoying because the writers seemingly don't know what to do to make a full season...I'm only on season 3 but my god we're in for a long haul.  At least we got Donna.

Getting older...I'm now 41, my body is really starting to hate me.  I get up out of bed too fast, I'm dizzy.  If I stretch something to fix something else, then another body part hurts.  My back always hurts.  I'm tired, even if I've slept.  What we need is a third day of a weekend, to really help with the sanity and to maybe rest my body.  If you couldn't get the gist of it from above, the days fly by way too fast, give us an off day, NFL players get one, why don't we?!

The thing about Donna, she's so smart and attached to Harvey, I just hope she finds happiness.  No spoiler alerts...okay, enough about Suits!  But Donna, the clock is ticking, give up on Harvey.  

This blog has been in my drafts for a month now, can you tell how scatterbrained it is?  Not one of my finest, but thank you for reading.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to write another one of these before the year is over.  Topics I'm thinking of include:

- Seriously, why is Louis written so weird.  He's either pure evil or you feel bad for him.  Does this get better?  Yeah, that's a blog idea.

- By the end of this year, I'll write why I want the 49'ers to win the Super Bowl so bad and I hope to god they are in position to.  Long story short, I'm tired of getting anxiety from a team that doesn't care about me.  Same goes to you Chicago Bulls and Michigan Wolverines, but I'd love to see a Super Bowl win with my kids and my team has come SO CLOSE IN 3 OF THE PAST 4 YEARS!  I just want one.  More.

- What would I do with a million dollars?  That's a fun blog.  

- I wouldn't mind another Inner Voice blog.  My thoughts through a whole day, but by 9 AM it'd have so much profanity and half of it would be complaining about my back, so maybe not.  

Any other ideas?  Drop me a line, comment below, do a smoke signal.  

Thanks for reading.  I'm just glad I finished this blog honestly, it only took forever.

Jeff

I'm 40, Mentally 30, Physically 50: A Blog

 

Lately I've been watching movies that people have been telling me for YEARS to watch.  I had somehow never seen the following:

- Ghost

- My Cousin Vinny

- Roadhouse

- White Men Can't Jump

- Parenthood

- more movies to list that some day I will do a blog on each one I watched...spoiler alert, I don't think I really missed out on much (although the monster truck scene in Roadhouse should be studied for YEARS in any film school, it's a masterpiece.  Actually that's my next blog, reviewing each of the "new" movies).

While watching Parenthood I had two thoughts.  1.  It's really not that funny, it's super depressing.  2.  Steve Martin is about to have a 4th kid in that movie...did you see his picture above!?  He looks 60!  Guess how old he was when they shot the movie?  Go on...guess...

44.  I'm 4 years away from that.  How did our generation decide to age just a little bit better than the previous one?  I see men and women that are 44 now that can easily pass for mid 30's.  Is it the fashion?  Better availability of botox?  Both!?  

So that movie got me to thinking a few things (besides the fact that Mary Steenburger has aged wonderfully, her vs Julia Louis Dreyfus in an ultimate cougar battle, who wins!?).  I started to wonder the above, but I think I figured it out (it's botox and plastic surgery and social media forcing us to all still look young)...so I solved that one.  The second one, where is my mid-life crisis?  

There are a lot of theories to that, but I fell upon a Tik Tok (pre-banned Tik Tok, so if you read this in the future, Tik Tok is an application that steals your information, the only difference is that app is from China stealing your information, while you're probably getting a link to this blog on Facebook or Twitter, apps stealing your information in the good old USA!), this Tik Tok video went in to great length to describe why my generation hasn't had a mid life crisis.  It was quite interesting, clearly we've gone through numerous crises (crisees!?) already, we've also had significantly less wealth built up than the boomer generation who had money saved up enough to go buy a new car or spouse.  

My generation has also grown up a lot different than the ones before and after.  We got to experience rotary phones, dial up connections and everything in our phone.  Video games?  We've had them all, from hooking them up on the back with a screwdriver to playing all of those games on my phone just last night!  Ways to pirate movies?  Covered in every aspect through my life.  Tapes to LimeWire to "redacted".  Music?  Our oldies are still cooler than whatever this generations songs are called.  (Side note, I had a joke about how I'm so old The Next Episode by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg is an oldie...I also had a joke that I'm so old I can fart the beginning seconds in the restroom every morning after my coffee).  Us older millennial's are a weird in-between of the old ways vs the new.  REMEMBER 1-800-COLLECT!?!?  YOWZA!

I think we've experienced so much in such a short time we didn't have time to have a mid life crises.  Or we're aging so differently (and better) than previous generations that our midlife crises will be around age 50.  But by then I'll be so old my main crises will be where do I start when I re-watch all the Marvel movies?  Or when will I finally see Limp Bizkit (0 for 3 this decade, come on Fred!)?  Maybe I'm one of the lucky few who didn't have one?  

Life is pretty crazy now and most if not all of you reading this are around my age, so we're all just trying to navigate a post-Covid world involving work and school and social functions.  Handling kid stuff and figuring out how to have them live their best lives and be involved in as many cool things as they can, BUT at the same time do enough for yourself (like binge watching shows and catching up on dramedy's about parenting from the 80's that you've never seen, oh and staying healthy because cholesterol is a thing now).  Or if you don't have kids, just figuring your shit out.  Because that's life, and life is tough (did I steal that from Parenthood!?).

One last thought on my age, based on the title, turning 40 now is insane.  I don't feel like I'm 40 until I sleep the wrong way on my new pillow.  Then I feel like an old ass 50 year old.  I also have to watch my cholesterol as I stated above, but I could seriously f with some Taco Bell right now.  Listening to music with the windows down I'm cranking some rap or rock but then I get a ringing in my ears.  And I love to drink and go out, but boy do I love having a drink or two at home and being in the house by nighttime.  Those my age reading this who still go hard like I did 10 years ago, my hats off to you...but I'll always remember passing out "early" on a floor and my cousins best friend going "Wow, if Jeff Kleeman knew what he was doing now he would be so disappointed in himself!".  Best quote ever, thanks Spud.  

I will leave you with another quote from my seriously brainy, super cool daughter from this week that really got me, so wise for a 6 year old to say the following: "Remember the years go pretty quickly to 100...now let's go get ice cream!".  Smart kid.  

Thanks for reading and sorry, not sorry, for all the parentheses!  

Jeff

PS Steve Martin is a legend and must be protected at all costs.  Coming next time, movies Jeff watched that are old and he writes about them!

PPS I wrote a book!  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTRPH7RW?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

Vertigo or: I'm Dizzy When I Get Up Too Fast and Other Weird Things of Getting Old

 

Getting older has led to the WEIRDEST things.  If you told me when I was 30, that 10 years later the following would happen I would've said you're crazy!  Let's explore:

- As I mentioned in the title, getting dizzy is ROUGH.  Getting up too fast when I hear my kid asking for me in the morning or just getting out of bed has led to some fun mornings.  The things that are happening as I get older are so weird to me.  Dizzy spells.  Being tired literally early in the evenings.  My back ALWAYS HURTS.  

Back to vertigo, I haven't had it in years, then a few weeks ago, boom, dizzy.  Fun fact, I also had a bout of vertigo on the very first TV show I ever hosted, did I hide it well?  Yes.  Was it all downhill from there?  Also yes.  

Quick tip to get rid of the vertigo/dizziness: put your body against a wall, standing up of course...and proceed to tilt your head side to side like the Roxbury Guys, then you're good to go...well that and prescription drugs of course.

- I still watch The Office!?  There is so much content in entertainment it's insane.  We are truly in the golden age of television, with some amazing shows I have yet to partake in.  So I ask you this, why am I still willingly watching The Office!?  

Same with The Simpsons, same if a random Seinfeld is on.  Is it a comfort thing!?  I'm about to binge watch the hell out of Curb Your Enthusiasm, so maybe I'll take a tiny break from watching the same episode of The Office for the 12th time...after the dinner party episode, because it's perfect television.

- They are still making Fast and the Furious movies!?  How are there so little ideas to movies these days?  Hire me and my cousin Brad, we'll whip you up a fun, cheaply made idea that'll make you you're money back and have you leaving the comfort of your living room (or a movie theater, what are those!?) with a smile on your face...or a frown.  Either way hire us, are you listening other Jeff Kleeman!?

Although I am impressed that they tied Tokyo Drift to the 10th (or is it 9th!?  11th!?) Fast and the Furious movie, which, is quite impressive to the large collective of people who were thinking, "I wonder what the gang from the least successful Fast and the Furious movie is up to!?".  Also, where is Bow Wow!?  

- Superhero movies are getting old and repetitive!?  I'm so tired of the amount of content they are putting out.  Back in the day you would watch one of these, there may or may not be a few sequels, then it was done for a few years.  Now we have 2-3 current Batmen, a billion Spider-Men...a lot of average to barely above average Marvel shows and a ton of movies that I have to force myself to watch because I don't want to be lost when Avengers 8 comes out.

Again, give me a low budget, get me my Cowriter, we'll write you another movie starring Eric Rasmussen, boom, money.  

Also, related rant.  Comics were lame when I was a kid, I loved them and now it's cool!?  Not fair.  Rant over.  

- Staring at my phone with my wife at 9:30 PM on a Friday night is enjoyable simply because it's quiet!?  It's so crazy.  10 years ago I was still going out, every so.  Not really the bars anymore, house parties were nice or friend get togethers.  Now it's kinda nice being home on a Friday or Saturday and just....CHILLING.  I do miss the occasional party, I REALLY miss beer pong and I definitely would love a board game night...as long as all of my guests clean up after themselves, don't wake up my kids and leave at a reasonable hour, is that too much to ask!?

Lastly, my book was 100% done, then it was 90% done to fix some things....(thanks Brad!), now it's 100% done again.  I might put the first page on his blog in a few weeks, but that's all leading up to say it's done and I just need to go on Amazon publishing and get things rolling.  Here is the cover of the book, if you know me, it's an old friend!

Look for that book coming up soon.  If you don't mind me, I'm going to stand up now and do some stretches.  Thanks for reading!

Jeff

Kids Say the Darndest...

It's really great raising two kids who are super curious and ask a lot of questions.  First of all, they haven't been tainted by the world yet, so they are full of wonder and questions such as, "Dad, why is that guys butt sticking out of his pants?".  That was a fun moment at Hy Vee.

Second of all, I'm pretty blunt, but I'm aware of what I can and cannot ask, I absolutely love how blunt kids can be with whatever they say.  They don't care!  They will ask a super awkward question and then move on to watching Gabby's Dollhouse, forgetting they ever asked it.  

Yesterday my daughter asked a question that legit made sense, most of hers do.  So I thought I would tally up a few of her questions and my son's questions into a blog and comment on them.  Let's start with the one that got me to write this blog in the first place:

* note, this isn't one of those super lame blogs where parents lie about their kids quotes, neither have expressed their views on world peace, politics or if Taylor Swift is or isn't overrated.  (She's not, but I can see the argument).  Just some normal questions from two awesome kids.

"Why do you have to pay for school lunches?"

My first reaction was, holy shit, why does anybody have to pay for school lunches?  It honestly should come with school.  But then I got to thinking how underpaid school staff is.  How we have to do donations just to help support a school while legit billionaires are flying a space shuttle into space.  How the education and the societal system is broken, especially when it comes to education and the poor.  Then my head exploded.  

But seriously, I didn't grow up wealthy, but imagine having to not pay for your kid to eat at a place they learn, amazing.  This also goes in to college and how all of their staff is underpaid...but that's for another day.

"Why do kids have to stay home from daycare when they aren't sick?"

I had an entire blog written up about this, but I had to delete it for a few reasons.  I was super angry, which doesn't translate to a good read.  Also I completely understand the risk if a kid "might" be sick.  I oddly helped run a daycare for a few months (my resume is bonkers, I know this.  To learn more about my crazy life, buy my book in November called "Burying the Past"!) so I understand not wanting to close down and refund parents...but....

The system is broken.  Daycare is super expensive.  Most people can't afford it.  Most people can't afford to not have it.  We have the luxury of not being those parents that drop off a sick kid because we have to, but I get it.  But on the same note, people should try to not drop off their kid if they are sick because they get others sick.  They also, not my current daycare, I like this current daycare, but some daycare's didn't have a clue what to do with Covid.  

Kids temp is 100?  Send them home for 2-3 days!  Okay that doesn't affect anything at all work wise, does it?  Our son was sent home from a daycare for having a 99 degree temp in June.  So I had to work from home while our perfectly healthy son was fine.  When I questioned it, the head of the daycare tried to explain to me what a fever was like I wasn't married to a doctor or passed 5th grade science (D's get degrees).  

Quick thing, preschool/daycare teachers and staff should be paid more.  People's jobs SHOULD have a daycare allowance in it.

Basically the first two questions my daughter had involved the education and childcare system and how it's broken.  Perhaps my daughter or son can help change the world in the future and not have a tie in a political race like their dad.  Speaking of which?

Why is that guy so old!?

Okay, only a minor political one, but one that 99% of everyone can agree on.  My son asked this about our president.  Nobody over the age of 65 should be making decisions.  You're done, go drink a margarita and hang with your grand kids, you did your job.  There is no reason anyone should run for any political office at age 88.  

My son is 3 and asked why someone old is speaking on television, clearly he didn't know who it was.  But seriously, what a broken ass system.  Should honestly rename this blog "The System is Broken".  

Why do I have to wake up early every day?

My daughter is learning quick, the answer to this is nobody knows why!  The work day was set Monday thru Friday 8-5 by Satan.  School usually between 8ish - 3 ish?  I'm down for some changes there.  Four day work weeks?  Non Satan hours of 8-5?  Shorter school days where they maximize their learning?  More remote possibilities with jobs, oh, oh, oh!  My favorite question is the next one!

Why are my things during your job?

So a lot of people work without the luxury of being able to pick up and drop off your kids whenever, wherever...Shakira references!  

So my daughter has dance right at 5, that involves working people to leave at 4:30 to get to her after school place on time, then get to dance at 5, but then I gotta go pick up my kid, then go back to the same location to pick up my child when she's done.  Then there's dinner, then whatever small amount of time with them before they go to sleep, then you do the parent thing where you have goals, but stare at a wall or a tv show/phone instead.

Kindergarten training, I'll call it that, was at 9 AM each day, which I worked at 9 AM each day, then it was over at 11:45, so you gotta leave early (I'd also like to throw in I had my vasectomy this week like an idiot, so we dropped her off at 9 AM, then I had a vasectomy, then I waddled to go pick up my daughter, that week SUCKED).  It seems all things for kids are during the day intentionally to make one parent want to lose their god damn mind.  

Daddy how come you can swear?

Because I fucking can, get over it.  (I didn't really respond with that, but it's funny!).  

My kids know not to swear, I've discussed this with a few parents recently, but it's impossible for me to not swear.  Years and years of doing it, if I stub my toe I'm not NOT going to swear.  So you make sure your kids know they can't say the major bad words...but now I have to deal with poopy butt being a bad word at daycare and I have ZERO issues with poopy or butt being said.  Honestly, just be a good person and if they say booby let it slide preschool teacher who should be making way more money than you currently are (see I'm on your side!!!).

That's just a few of the gems they've had, I love the questions my kids ask, luckily they aren't all as deep as some of the above questions, more so it's asking how to add and spell which I can handle.  Here's a quick round up for funny ones that don't need a write up, one is clearly a joke:

- Why do girls not have wieners?

- Why are my farts smelly?

- Why do we have to eat vegetables?

- Are you lying about Santa?

- What are your thoughts on trickle down economics?

- Why do you yell at the 49'ers?

- Why do we fart?

- Why can't I scratch my butt in public?

Just some gems here, clearly the made up question was....Santa, it's the Santa one!  100%....

Thanks for reading as always.  I'm in the beginning stages of the how to convert finished book to Amazon publishing, but I'm there.  I finished a freaking book and I couldn't be happier.  If this takes off, perhaps I'll try another book that'll take far less time to complete than 13 years.  

Thanks for reading!

Jeff

Parenting 101...Questions

When I came up with the idea for this blog, the name Parenting 101...Questions popped in my head and I loved it.  But then I started to wonder, "Are there 101 questions I have about parenting?".  No, not really.  When I sat down pen to paper (fingers to keyboard, you know what I mean) I compiled a list, could I get to 28?  45?  69!?  (Hahaha, see what I did there?).  

No, I couldn't get there, but I do have a few questions that are on my mind, let's begin with...

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS AN EVENT INVOLVING ASKING FOR MONEY!?

Okay, I know why, because the education system is broke and they need money.  But holy...let's say cow.  My son is in preschool, my daughter just started kindergarten.  Fundraiser central.  Want to come to the fair and get food?  Hell yeah I do, but you gotta buy the raffle tickets and the food and whatever else comes up.

Want to go to an event at a preschool and get free food but pay money to watch Sing which you've seen 38 times?  Hell yeah I do!  Sing and Sing 2 have the best replay value for a movie since Moana, BUT now it's starting to add up.  

Coming up we have a food fundraiser (which is good, people should eat) and a running fundraiser (also good, people should run) and don't even get me started on political campaigns and kids coming to my door asking me to buy food.  OF COURSE I'LL BUY YOUR FOOD!  I'm the skinniest fat kid ever, give me higher cholesterol. 

Before I know it, I'm going to be having a fundraiser called "The Fundraiser to Fund the Raisers".  I will play some records, I will rap the Humpty Dance with or without Alex and Dustin beat boxing and set up a beer pong tourney to...wait...okay the records and beer pong tourney sounds like a good idea.  I better bring this up to the HOA WHICH I ALSO PAY MONEY FOR!

Back to music.  When dropping off your kids, what do you listen to?  Do you have it on talk radio or a podcast? Maybe an annoying morning show?  Me?  I'm listening to my mixes.  It can be whatever any time of day, but the real concern is I better have my window rolled up because, my bad, Ice Cube was asking, very politely as a matter of fact, you can do it, put your ass in to it.  

First off Mr. Cube, for me no, not this morning.  But it is funny getting to my 40's and our oldies are Cube, 2Pac, Dre, Korn, Metallica...I might have to stick to sports radio, but I can't handle sports after a 49'ers loss because I'm apparently a fucking child with sports.

Speaking of children!  How come when they find a toy they both haven't seen since pre-covid (somehow 40 years ago) they have to argue over it.  There was a stuffy of a dog that honestly was on the chopping block (neutering block I guess?) for toys, they both spotted it and boom, fireworks.  Anger.  Tears.  Two seconds of that random quiet when you think they fixed it themselves and then, oh wait, no wait, they were kidding.  

I grew up an only child, so all of this is new to me.  I had my cousin Brad, my cousin/brother (crother?  brousin?  It's brousin isn't it?) which we had arguments, we still do, but like, it's funny.  Then we're back to normal, my kids eventually get there, but the arguments over, and I can't emphasize this enough, the stupidest shit, will remain at least until college time.

*kids if you find this blog in 2042, I love you both, I hope you two are just crushing it and climate change hasn't quite taken effect and not to get too political, but I hope to god I stop hearing about one piece of shit ex-president daily by at least 2025...but somehow I doubt it.  Oh, and give dad and mom a call!  - Jeff in 2042

Finally, the terrible 2's aren't a thing.  That's some stupid phrase Dr. Spock or whoever else came up with in the olden times for those god awful parenting books that they made bank on.  The only Dr. Spock anyone should listen to told me to live long and prosper, which again if these kids keep selling me food my cholesterol will not agree with that phrase.  

The 3's are the crazy age...at least til puberty hits I'm guessing.  Our daughter had her craziness at 3 and currently it's our sons turn.  It's the age they can have a conversation with you and say "I love you" one minute and the next say "I'm going to eat your face!", which has happened!  He also discovered how funny the words Poopy and Butt are next to each other which clearly he's a comic genius, poopybutt, I'm laughing just typing it.

Unfortunately you can't say those words in unison or you will get talked to every...single...day...you pick him up.  At least he's not saying god awful things like the f word and How 'Bout them Cowboys.  Now we just have to conquer poopy butt and him crying uncontrollably when we leave a room for "insert 3 year old gymnastics/swimming/anything else class" and we will be good to go!

Well I for one am really glad I didn't attempt to do 101 questions, I kept some of the gold though which I'll share below because they were legit questions that I need to know

- What happened to Josh Hartnett and the guy from Friday Night Lights?  Weren't they supposed to be movie stars!?

- Is new music good?  IS IT!?  

- Underrated show, Brooklyn Nine Nine, I'm watching it now.  But here's the question, it expires on Hulu to go on another streaming service soon so I'm binge watching like mad, but why are there so many streaming services!?  This household alone has: Netflix, Peacock, Disney, Hulu, Amazon, ESPN, HBO, Paramount...WHERE DOES IT END?

- Also why does everything have to have a +!?  Just do a different name...gaaaahhhhhhh.

- Seriously Josh Hartnett was in some good stuff, like seriously what the hell happened?

The rest of the questions were basically things every parent asks, more Hartnett questions (Seriously!?) and how there are no original ideas for TV shows since the 80's....which will be my next blog.  

Thanks for reading as always!

Jeff

Kid Drop Offs or Why Everyone is Horrible and Can't Drive

 This fall has been quite the exciting time!  Our daughter just started kindergarten, while our son just moved to a new preschool.  With those two things comes all the activities, the driving, the cussing, the anger, the happiness we're leaving the activity, the "wow you did great!", with the next sentence being "I can't believe that car almost hit that kid, what the fuck did they just learn how to drive!?". 

This morning I dropped my kids off and here's what happened.  The awkward meet up at a door where another parent holds the door open for you, so my daughter goes to get the door and my son is behind and a door hits him in the face.  Then of course dropping my son off to his door while we're on a time limit to get to kindergarten on time, while we're waiting for another parent who won't stop talking to my kids teacher about nothing of importance, while I wait to ask a question to the teacher about my son using the term "poopy butt" too much.

Then leaving and instantly getting cut off by a parent as I'm trying to leave, who then cuts another person off and honks at them.  THEN we get to preschool and I walk my daughter to the door, making awkward conversation with someone I've met twice about Sonic the Hedgehog when my daughter has a question, but a dad I just met gets in between us and starts talking to me because he also wants to discuss Sonic the Hedgehog.  

The mornings get a little hectic these days, but hey I got a blog idea out of it.  Here are the different type of parents you will experience each day, one of them could be you!

Mom Trying Too Hard to Be Hot...Mom

I get it and clearly we all love when you show up, but we're old now.  If you gotta get super hot at 7 in the morning, more power to you, but I'm showing up to drop my kids off in neon shorts and a Space Jam t-shirt, PROBABLY while wearing a mismatched hat to hide my bed hair.  

If your job requires getting dressed up, that's fine, pick the month and usually my job does too.  But I'm far less shallow now, I'm more likely to think you're just as cool if you show up in a Spice Girls t-shirt and mismatched sandals (SHOUT OUT TO MY NEW DROP OFF FRIEND WHO DID ONE OF THOSE TODAY!).

The Cool Dad

I think I'm a cool dad, but not this type of cool dad, because I have humility.  This is the dad that always has those Mark McGwire sunglasses on or a polo/dress shirt where it's a solid color, but the collar is always white, below, two photo examples:

The kind of dad who when the kid falls you laugh at them and tell them to stop being a, we'll say wussy.  And somehow they are always smirking.  No reason to smirk so early in the morning.  Or at night after a long day.  Actually adulthood should have zero smirking.

The Talks Too Much Parent

Earlier the parent who butt in wanting to tell me something, which was 100% okay and I like new friends, but wait a second because I want to hear what my daughter has to say.  Ever get in one of those conversations and they won't stop talking?  I know when this happens because I am guilty of this 25% of the time, I am 1/4 The Talks Too Much Parent.  But I also can read a room, so when I'm done with the story I must blurt out, I switch gears.

But the ones who can't read a room and you're talking to someone about North Dakota while you are just dropping off your kid, we gotta not do that.  (This is 100% a conversation that happened and unless you're talking the movie Fargo or maybe how good NDSU football and Trey Lance are, nobody should ever talk about the 4th worst state in the country).

The Talks to Everyone Parent 

This is 3/4 me.  I will attempt to talk to anyone, including the Real Quiet Parent.  I moved to Lincoln 2 years ago and I would like to make some more friends.  Is that a crime!?  Is the best place to do it in the morning of a very stressful day when you drop off your kids?  I'll ignore that answer because I'm trying anyway.

But I like a good chat in the morning, working from home for essentially two years has made me miss social interaction.  So if I am that annoying parent, and I am, just politely nod and I'll stop...after getting my question out of the way, because I 1/4th talk too much...arguably more.

Also I'll use this as a parents friends ad, but you, yes you, if you like music and going to movies and going to bed by 10-10:30 PM but still like to drink do I have a couple for you!  Also, if you are knowledgeable on 90's hip hop and professional wrestling, I'm just saying, we're available.  

The Real Quiet Parent

I respect you.  I like that you just show up, you stand and nod.  If someone talks to you, you have a one sentence response, if not one word.  You walk away mid conversation, sure that hurts my feelings, but I 100% get it.  I always get along with the silent people because I can do the talking for the both of us.  I also wonder how your home interactions are?  Not in a negative way.  But in a "Does your kid talk?" kind of way.  Moving on!

The I'm Always Late Parent But Don't Care

You pull out and see the parent blaring some soft rock, maybe Evanescence.  Or Pink.  Okay it's both at the same time.  Or if it's the dad it's Drake.  But they are always late because they are horrible with time.  I can't even describe what they look like because the only look that describes them is late, but I'm sure they are holding a coffee from Scooters or Starbucks that if they just did that after they picked up their kids, they would 100% be on time.

The I'm Always Late Parent But I Do Care, But I'm Always Late Anyway

This parent has a cup of coffee left over from yesterday while she is holding today's coffee.  While yelling at her kids to hurry up because they are late.  But this person is usually nice 80% of the time, they just decided to have maybe 3 kids too many.  Always in a mini van.  So in a hurry.  Usually the type to say as they are running away, "Sorry I'd talk but I gotta run!" but saying it to nobody in particular.

The We're Friends, But Only With Each Other Parents

If I was still in Vermillion, I would probably be this parent.  But in Lincoln I don't know as many people, so it's usually a mixture of the cool dad, the hot mom and the talker parent.  I want to be the talker parent!  Get me in there!  Put me in coach, I'm ready to play!  

Usually talking about what their kid did this weekend, usually named Spencer or Bryce or Madeline or whatever, but always misspelled.  So it's Spensur, Brise and Medlynnnnnnn.  Maybe I don't want to be friends with them.  Back to the bench!

The Bitch

This morning I had another story.  I've crossed paths with this person maybe 4-5 times now because she likes to park in the exact same area that I do.  Super selfish bitch.  I had to go, but she keeps the door open so I can't reverse, with no regard for hurrying or being polite.  Closes door, looks at you annoyed, then takes forever to get in her car.  Super selfish bitch.  Then because I was polite and waited, why not have her pull out in front of me?  Makes sense.  

Usually cuts in front of people...and cars...on the walk to class.  95% chance kid grows up to do this.  I hate her.

There's a few more I can probably discuss here, but I think I got the gist!  A quick run downs of the ones I don't want to go in-depth on, in no particular order:

- the bad parent

- the I'm on the phone parent

- the I'm on speaker phone parent for absolutely no reason

- the apologetic parent who has a shitty kid

And we did it!  More blogs to come and the book is in the finishing stages of editing, so I should be ready to have it up by the end of October.  If you're reading this, you  might be in it, so I'll be asking for permission for the pictures in the middle of the book part of the book shortly.  

Have a great Wednesday!

Jeff

Burying the Past: Last Book Teaser

 

I have done it!  I finished my book.  I'm now editing to make sure it grammatically looks good.  I'm also adding things I may have missed, especially from the Rat Pack Party chapter.   Then all I have to do is do a Cast of Characters and we're good to go.  This took a year to finish, but I did it.  Below are a few entries from the book.  I hope it's enough to entice you to buy it because clearly my only motivation for finishing this is money and to sell it for millions of dollars.  

This entry is from the nicknames chapter, We have encountered a lot of very interesting people throughout the years, here's one that I still enjoy discussing:

Snowboard Guitar Guy

Telling this story as an adult is always fun.  It’s one of my go to’s for the absurdity of it.  We were having a party when I was alerted there was an older man outside on my deck drinking.  So I went outside to see what the hubbub was about.  

It was a man who was homeless talking with people outside who were smoking.  I had nothing against that.  So I started to talk to him, I found out from him that his one source of income was by nude modeling at the art school.  He had wanted to patent an invention where you could have a snowboard that also played guitar.  As you got down to the bottom of the hill, when you were done snowboarding you could immediately shred on your guitar and play some tunes.  

Smash wanted him to come inside my home and hangout, but I was very hesitant, so I didn’t let him in the house.  She was furious at me.  So he stayed outside the rest of the night, talking with whomever and we never saw him again.  I often wonder if he got to live his dream or what happened to him?  

The Mermaid

She was brought up earlier in the book.  She had joined us for an H-Worth Open event and left the next day before our 6th Rat Pack Party.  I had found out she had an ex-husband she didn’t tell me about from Stein.  

There was always something weird with her, she was very nice, but there was a weird rule.  She was reading an advice book from Steve Harvey of all people.  In the book, he said couples who start dating shouldn’t have sex for 60 days.  That way the relationship wouldn’t have any complications from having sex.  So I got cock blocked by Steve Harvey.  We also had a double date, playing Family Feud of all things, with Julia and her boyfriend Drummer.  I went to get a beer with Julia and she swears Mermaid was hitting on Drummer, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO!  

A few weeks later we went to a place in Chamberlain, SD to go camping.  After I saw either a ghost or a dead body (Google it, there’s reportedly a ghost in that river and I’m convinced it was one of those two), we had a conversation about relationships.  Her parents and family had come to join us, they were quite nice actually.  So I told her I liked her family, she told me it was moving too fast.  She wanted to take a break, which was a perfect thing to say before going to bed in a tent and possibly seeing a dead body or a ghost.  

I woke up that morning and went home.  We didn’t talk for a week as she went on a vacation with her family.  When she got back she called me, which was weird because we lived in the same apartment, she was literally right under my floor.  But she called at the worst possible time.  LeBron James was going to say where he was going to play basketball.  Was he to stay in Cleveland?  Was he going to Miami?  Did Jeff see a ghost or a dead body?!  Nobody knew!  

So while she told me we were done on the phone I asked her if she could pause for a second, as Dark Honey was in the other room screaming, LeBron had chosen Miami.  Wow.  Incredible.  Oh, and I was single again.  She eventually wanted to get back together, but that was too much crazy for me.  

Also a subtle hint to her name, Simo would call her REO Speedwagon, which dammit I should’ve named her entry that!  

I was going to share a story about how a party of ours was started called Jock Jams, but I had too much controversy this week with Facebook posts, so I"ll post about one of the jobs I had in my younger years.

Sioux Falls Skyforce

I love basketball, I suck at it, but I love it.  90’s basketball got me through a lot growing up.  I loved video game basketball, NBA Jam, Michael Jordan and the Bulls, nobody I know can beat me at NBA Live ’95 or ’96, fact.  

So when I graduated and an internship with the Sioux Falls Skyforce came up I jumped at the opportunity.  They are a minor league affiliate, at the time for the Minnesota Timberwolves, for the NBA and one of the most successful franchises in “minor league” basketball.  

My job was to do promotions and be one of those people you see go out during timeouts or breaks in the action and shoot t-shirts into the crowd or throw balls.  It honestly was a fun gig; it was just really time consuming at nights and holidays and you didn’t get paid anything.

My thinking was, I would work there and maybe end up finding a job with an NBA team.  My cousin had worked with the Sioux Falls Stampede, then with the Magic and I thought that sounded fun.  Maybe I’ll get into promotions with an NBA squad?  

No, not meant to be and not an easy career to get into.  I did get some perks like free tickets and food which was nice.  Ironically the girl I was going to live with in Sioux Falls was a cheerleader for the Skyforce, she was the only nice cheerleader.  In fact, besides the front office, even the players were jerks.  I bumped into one very tall player at a bar and went up to him, introduced myself and said, “hey I guess we’re kind of coworkers huh!?”.  He looked at me with no facial expression, “Fuck no!”.  And walked away.  

One of my last nights is one of the most embarrassing stories of my life.  I became the main partner of the mascot; I think his name was Thunder.  I would assist him with whatever he needed cuz his hands were mascot paws.  The most rewarding part of the job was helping special needs kids and getting them prizes every game.  It truly was awesome, and I loved it every time.  Except one night. 

It was Christmas so it was a packed house.  At the time I was dating McQ, and I had gotten her parents some free tickets to the game.  I was feeling super cool and went to go help Thunder deliver a ball to a special needs kid.  I got a little too amped up and instead of a bounce pass I did an overhead pass, but it slipped out of my hands.  I can still hear the “oooooooh” of the crowd as Thunder THANKFULLY caught the ball inches from this poor kid’s head.  He handed the kid the ball, he was thankfully oblivious.  I went and hid behind the hoop, embarrassed beyond belief.  

Ever had a mascot look at you in complete disbelief?  I have.  That was brutal.  I was done shortly after, by choice, nobody besides the mascot even knew what had happened.  But I felt so bad.  Thunder, if you’re reading this, I owe you one buddy. 

Rating: 3/5

Thanks for reading!  I hope this was enough to entice you to get the book when it's complete.  Have a great weekend. 

Jeff Kleeman

Burying the Past Teaser

I'm writing a book about all the stories from my life, and since I am INSANELY close to being done, I thought I would share a chapter on my blog.  I gotta gauge the recation of anybody who may want to purchase and/or read the book right!?

The book is called Burying the Past, when you read the whole thing, you'll get the gist.  The story below is about our dear friend Jorge.  I hope you enjoy and I really hope you like the book.  

* everyone's names, besides mine, have been changed in the book unless I got permission, for legal purposes yada yada yada, enjoy!

Jorge

I was going to do a comical take on writing about Jorge.  I was going to do a big write up as if he were real and then at the very end reveal that Jorge was in fact a beer bong, before going into his funeral…yes you read that right.  But writing it that way would be in awful taste, just like the kind of taste that came out of Jorge and into us.

Jorge came about one night by Beast and Murphy, who wanted to make a beer bong for all to enjoy.  He was named after a brachiosaurus toy that grows in the water, that they had as a pet.  Those are not meant to be pets as they are not real, living beings so it got a bit…disgusting.  So, this was the next best thing. 

You would never think that a beer bong would mean so much to so many.  Having literally a wife, Brooke, with two stepchildren in Young Boy and BV.  The day Jorge debuted is well documented, which was rare during late 2003 because there wasn’t Facebook.  There were no smart phones.  No Instagram.  It was incredible looking back on it.  What we did have was a digital camera.  Then after you took the pictures, you had to manually put them on a computer, then either put on a zip drive or CD and give to friends.  So barbaric!

That night is the second night I had ever blacked out.  The first being my 21^st birthday.  I had no idea the power a beer bong had, because I was really stupid, I believe I had 10 beer bongs that night.  The pictures are great, showing a bunch of young people having a good time with Jorge, living our best life.  From that point forward Jorge was a part of our family for more than a year.  Here are some amazing stories about Jorge during his all too brief time with us. 

We went to Sioux Falls, SD for an interesting night.  Our friend Bro Bro was at a party at his brother’s house, so he asked us to come up, so we brought Jorge and got at it.  We all got really drunk, but my friend Ben wanted to leave because there were no girls there, so the most sober had to drive…that was me.  The reason I drove you may ask?  Murphy and Ben fell asleep in the car smoking a cigarette, Murphy woke up to the cigarette burning his pants.  It was time to go. 

This was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, as I drove from Sioux Falls to Vermillion, which is roughly an hour.  On my drive there was not one single car the entire time.  It was the luckiest I had ever been…or so I thought.  I had made it home and went to sleep, while we were gone there was a party at my house, common theme.  I was awakened at 8 AM by Cowriter running in to my room.  “Where the hell is Jorge!?!?!”.  Oh my god, we had left him in Sioux Falls at the party.  I frantically called Bro Bro to make sure Jorge was okay, but it was so early he wasn’t going to answer.

LUCKILY, he was awake.  As he was driving to his hometown cross state.  In his hungover daze he responded, “Don’t worry, Jorge is with me.  He’s okay!”.  Thank.  God.  Jorge was safely delivered back a week later. 

Jorge had an amazing run for a beer bong.  Honestly, he was part of the family.  When we moved houses, he came with.  The next year of his life was at a house called the Double Barrel.  This house, and I’ll allude more to this later, was at the time the biggest party house on campus.  There was a party every night of the week, sometimes Sundays were taken off, more often than not they weren’t.  One brutal spring night, I was in my room making a mix CD for the party…that is actually something I did…and Cowriter and Bro Bro ran to my room (what is with Cowriter and Jorge?!).  Someone had stepped on Jorge.  He was dead.  I was FURIOUS.  I found the person who stepped on him and approached him.  “You fucking killed him!?”.  Clearly this college kid was very confused what I was talking about, as his only response was, “What?”.  Well, that riled me up even more and I kicked him out of my house.  He was gone. 

We tried to figure out if we could save him, but it was impossible.  The dipshit stepped right on the base of the funnel and cracked it.  So we did what any normal college kids would do, we threw a funeral. 

This is, out of all the stories I have, one of the funniest and one of the most bizarre.  So that week was interesting, trying to figure out the best way to honor Jorge and his memory.  So Murphy made a casket for Jorge, our roommate Stone embalmed him with Icehouse.  The casket was expertly crafted, and when Murphy’s dad walked in on him making the casket, he told his dad that it was a cabinet for his shoes.  I don’t think he bought it, but he didn’t ask any questions. 

Literally the same week we were put on noise probation because we had over 200 people at our house.  Beast was back from Europe, which ironically is the reason I started journaling all of our stories.  Our other friend, Bodyguard, had just joined the Navy, so we had a going away/welcome back party of massive proportions.  We had to do this funeral but be really sneaky about it and have a small gathering of people, or this time we’d get in deep shit.  

That week we made funeral preparations.  Skeet would be the priest and give a sermon.  We had speakers set up for speeches about what Jorge meant to us.  And we had a gigantic backyard, so we decided to bury him in the back next to a rock that was randomly in the middle of the yard. 

The morning of the funeral, we ran in to some issues, because who wouldn’t?  Stone was having reservations about Skeet’s sermon.  We had started to dig the hole next to the rock, but we noticed it just kept going, and going, and going.  This rock went into the depths of the earth, but it was too late so we dug out a little further to fit a casket.  It fit.  Now we decided to have service at 4 PM that day.  The reason for that?

We lived next door to a fucking church.  And this was a Saturday.  So, we thought the funeral would be done relatively quick, then we’d have a procession through town, go back and bury him, then show our respects.  We had 6 pallbearers; I was one of them.  It’s a very weird photo to see as an adult, that’s for sure. 

As the funeral began, church goers next door were starting to show up.  They showed up EARLY.  As Skeet finished his abbreviated sermon, it was time for Murphy to do a speech.  As he was giving his respects to Jorge, the beer bong, Murphy saw his parents walking into church.  His speech was cut short.  It was time for the procession. 

The funeral procession was one of the most insane moments of my life.  Muzzle drove a Bravada, a large black vehicle that fit himself and the pallbearers.  Because I’m short and skinny, I always sat “bitch” which was in the middle back of each vehicle.  Or in weird circumstances like this, I would sit in the VERY back of a vehicle, and there I was, sitting right next to Jorge in his casket. 

We started driving in a 4-5 car procession around town and I started to tear up.  I don’t know what happened, but the emotion overcame me when I looked in the car behind us.  It was Skeet driving, with Bear shotgun, dressed up.  I looked down at Jorge’s casket and it was just a very surreal moment for me.  We did a loop through town and, I shit you not, two cars joined in on our procession.  One was an old lady who probably had no idea what was happening.  I swear to this day she did the sign of the cross while we drove.  You and me both lady.  I actually, no joke, started to tear up in the back. 

The other car that joined I have no clue who it was, but as we got back to our home, we put Jorge down.  I threw in a letter and some pictures, and we buried him back in the ground.  He is still there to this day.  Skeet bought the house we lived at, so some day, we will get Jorge out of the ground.  The day was also turned in to a college movie that was directed by Stone.  This situation can show you how insanely creative my group of friends are AND how motivated we can all be if we truly want to get something done.  Thanks Jorge.  For everything.

Beer bongs were still had afterward.  A sibling was made for Jorge, and we went through the ringer trying to name it.  We settled on the name of Ol’ Boot, who was a fine lad, it just wasn’t the same.  It’s never been the same honestly.  RIP Jorge. 

This Is 39

 

*DISCLOSURE

I'm an open book, I was originally putting the finishing touches on my blog "Stay Close, Move Far" about my interview with SDPB about moving away from South Dakota.  Then the weirdest feeling hit me, I was writing a blog about South Dakota, writing about how I need to stop writing about South Dakota...so I stopped writing it.  Here's a link if you want to read the interview I had.  

Here is the link: SDPB Link

The reporter did great, she got most of what I stated in there.  I went to school for journalism, dabbled in the TV for a bit as well...you do these interviews to get your story how you want.  We moved for those reasons, among others.  I also said nice things about the people in the state, and I CLEARLY love the state.  It just didn't make it in, which is fine.  But that doesn't need to be covered by me in a very long...very angry...blog.  

If you read this blog, you know my feelings (some don't apparently, I'm just a text away, honestly ask me anything and I tell the truth, weird how that works) about why we moved.  No need to cover it in this blog for the FOURTH time.  The Kleeman Report, sadly, started to gain a lot of steam in college because I, as the kids say, used to spill the tea.  I got away with a lot on the re-read I did, some good, some very bad, and that's not who I am anymore.  You change.  You get older.  You realize drama is dumb and that's why you stay out of it (or not write an angry blog aimed at people who probably won't read this).  I had a lot living rent free (again, as the kids say) in my overactive mind and it's time to let all of that go.  If anything I do or say is in yours, maybe you should let that go too.  Life's short.  Have fun.  Wear shades. 

THIS IS 39

Getting older sure is weird, isn't it?  I got done taking my shower the other day and I realized...there's a gray hair in my eyelash...and this blog idea came to me.  What new things have I noticed?  What is different now in my routine?  Is it spelled grey or gray?  

All of these and more will be in the following, with easy to read bullet-points!!!  Yeah!!!  We all love bullet-points!  Let's go!  Cut 'em up!

• I'm going to do a tie in with what I wrote from above.  Getting older, you just kinda stop caring as much what anyone thinks of you anymore.  It's not good for the brain.  And if you have an imagination like me, anything can just sit in your head for as long as you let it.  I have the bad habit of wanting to have the last word as well, but since I had kids that's just not going to be a thing anymore.  So let people think what they want, I'd rather play cars with my son or do something creative with my daughter.
• Now that the "heavy" part is out of the day.  My eyelashes getting gray was very unforeseen.  Like that's a thing!?  Why!? 
• Everyone, boy or girl, if they are under 25 looks 12.  I got carded buying alcohol the other day and the kid looked like he was on a Nickelodeon show.  The Suite Life of Zack and/or Cody ID'd me and it was surreal...oddly while I was buying cereal.
• Speaking of which!  Cheap brands were always kinda looked down upon when I was growing up, now they are my jam (except for Cinnamon Toast Crunch, not happening).  
• Speaking of which part 2!  Cheap clothes now vs when I was growing up...a 100% improvement.  Walmart or K-Mart clothes back then?  Just pure garbage.  Then they decide to step their game up when I'm in my 30's, where I MUST BUY a Wrestlemania t-shirt because it's freaking dope.
• Oh my god my chest hair is now grey/gray.  
• At 39, you start to feel like a turd to my mom for the above 2 reasons, because honestly food is food.  Sorry mom!  I easily could've enjoyed Dr. Hy-Vee just as much as Dr. Pepper.  They both got their doctorates, take that Mr. Pibb!
• If I don't use a foot cream...my feet look like those of an 80 year old man.  Now my feet look like the feet of a 45 year old man.  Quite the improvement.
• Everything hurts, but then you forget about it, until you think of that body part.  If you're over 32 right now and reading this, think of your neck in your head.  It hurts doesn't it?  Sorry, not sorry.
• I used to be a night owl.  I would even watch James Corden, that's...that's a problem...that is until I had children.  Now 10 PM, get me some news, get me some weather, maybe a chapter in a book and BAM, bedtime by 10:30.  
• I was at the pool last week, hanging with my son while Heather was with our daughter.  A kid under 25 walked by (could've been 12, 16, 18, or 25, I CAN'T TELL!).  Blink 182 was playing..."I love this oldie, it's so good!"...and then, depression set in.  
• Every hair imaginable...is now grey/gray.
• Drinking is so different.  A few things to discuss here.  A drank a lot in college, more than probably 20 of you reading this.  I don't know how I survived.  I was telling a neighbor about mix drink Monday in college.  We had the biggest night on campus at our house, on a Monday night, just drinking liquor.  Playing liquor pong.  Teams of 2-3 splitting a 1.75 of cheap alcohol...and we destroyed it, woke up the next morning and got Pizza Hut lunch buffet, repeat.  The dude was baffled that this was a thing...now just thinking about it, I want to vomit.  
• So before that previous paragraph gets too long, I can have about 5-6 IPA's in a night and not be hung over.  But I might have 2-3 drinks and go out and feel like garbage the entire next day.  
• I could have a few glasses of wine and feel okay...also in my 30's, wine has now become a thing for me.
• Blacking out isn't as cool anymore in your late 30's...it probably...never...was cool to begin with.  I just can't imagine drinking that much again now and then not knowing what I did the night before...I freak out if I forget to lock the door. 
• Fish Oil pills.  
• Dieting is a funny thing.  It sucks and if you are trying to diet I want to let you know it's the hardest thing to do.  Burger King ads with new delicious burgers.  McDonald's has the ice cream machine working.  Tacos.  Sushi.  Meat.  All of it is so good and it's constantly on TV.  I'm not currently dieting, but I've tried to watch what I eat...it's insanely difficult.
• I say the above because I got rid of dairy for a week, and my body felt great...but I love cheese.  I literally cannot live without cheese.  I found a substitute, it was good, but if I kept buying it kiss one of my kids savings accounts goodbye, it's that expensive.  So back on the cheese.  

I honestly could keep going, but I like the length of this (that's what she said) blog.  Not too long, definitely not too short.  If you have any funny observations, feel free to share.  Until next time.

Jeff Kleeman