Are You Tired!? Do I Have Some Tips For You!

 

Hey there fellow adult!  If you're reading this, it's more than likely you were born before the year 2000.  If you are reading this and you weren't, then get the fuck outta here, what are you doing?  

So I'm tired literally all the time.  Is that because I'm 40?  Because I have 2 kids?  Because I stay up late and wake up early!?  WHO KNOWS!?

What I do know is I looked up some helpful hints and tricks to never be tired again, thanks Google!  So I'm going to share them because clearly they work.  I'm going to post each one in order with my opinion after and if you have any ideas to not feel tired all the time, please let me know, because as soon as I'm not tired all the time I'll be old...older than I am now. 

Here's some tips!

Eat Often

This can't be accurate can it?  Eating will cause me to be less tired!?  Usually it makes me more tired.  Honestly, I just had dinner a few hours ago and I've been fighting sleep since.  Also what am I supposed to eat to not be tired?  I feel that was a misprint and it was supposed to say "Beat Often".  Take that joke as you will but that's gonna keep me up more than eating. 

Get Moving

Yeah clearly moving around is going to make you less tired, but when am I supposed to do that?  I work at a desk or in my car, so maybe I go park my car for a bit and do some laps around the park and get moving.  But it's summer, so then I'm going to get super sweaty.  So am I supposed to go back to work super sweaty?  Okay, sweatier than I do already because it's summer time and I have leather seats and I'm literally drenched in sweat by the time I leave my car after my 20 minute commute?

* public service announcement.  I have a sweat blanket for my car.  What's a sweat blanket you may ask?  It's a blanket I put between my back and my hot leather chair that makes it so I don't get as sweaty.  In other news until I get a car with air conditioned seats, my kids blankets are my savior on a hot summer day...and it's only JUNE!  

Lose Weight to Gain Energy

So I was going to discuss this above, but getting moving is working out.  I enjoy working out.  I legit enjoy running.  Can I find the time to do any of that?  Minus now at 9 PM at night when I should be exercising and not writing a blog about how I'm tired and should be exercising?

When am I supposed to work out by the way?  6 AM in the morning when I'm super tired?  At night when I just want to sit and watch a show or mess around on my phone?  The middle of the day when I have to return to work!?  I already have issues sweating in my car, I don't want to go to work sweating even more.  Also why is all this sweat leaving my body not a work out and helping me be less tired!?  I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

Sleep

Oh yeah, actually SLEEPING!  Sure.  Okay, I'm 40 so when is that happening?  

When I decide to stay up later because I don't want to just work all the time and so I stay up later to watch a show so I don't feel like I just work?  Or is it in the morning when I randomly wake up an hour before my alarm because I have to pee all the time now?  Then I fall asleep and my wife's alarm goes off a half an hour before mine so then I lay there debating whether to go back to sleep or just look at my phone and then I fall asleep only for my alarm to wake me up literally minutes later?!  Or is it when I try to sleep in on the weekends and my kids, who are amazing btw, want me to come hang out with them?  Is it when I try to take a nap but I view naps as something that are amazing but also a waste of my time?  Do I like run on sentences!?

My buddy always said about being an adult with kids he will sleep when he dies, but holy shit man that's pretty fucking bleak isn't it?  Just go sleep man.  

*Ever read those articles where super successful people sleep only 3-4 hours a night?  Fuck those people, amiright!?

Reduce Stress

Did you not read the previous paragraph?  Just on trying to sleep I'm stressed.  What are we going to add now to my stress I can't reduce?  Let's see...

Inflation.  Rising costs.  Climate change.  Scary political climate.  Kids.  Their safety.  Money.  Saving for the future.  Trying to find time to sleep, work, workout, be a parent, a spouse, get alone time, finish a show or complete that video game I've tried to play since 2016.  

Also I'm so old that my shoulder randomly tore and it hurts to scratch my neck now.  To steal a great Seinfeld quote, but putting my name in instead...JEFF'S GETTING STRESSED OUT!

Therapy

I'm not dogging on therapy because therapy is a great and healthy thing, it's why I write, because it's therapeutic.  So I'm moving on to the next topic, but not before I say if I was to see a therapist that I would be more tired because they have quiet soothing voices...unless it's therapy like Gallagher, remember that guy!? 

Get me a sledgehammer and a watermelon please, that'll keep me awake!  Also there's two Gallagher's, they are brothers that are feuding...so now I gotta Google and see what's going on with them.

Cut Out Caffeine

How am I supposed to stay awake!?  NATURALLY!?  True story I didn't like coffee before I met my wife.  I never saw the point in it, it tastes like shit.  10 years later I mean, it's not that bad and I need it to live.  

Soda I always saw the point in.  I love it.  Dr. Pepper, Coke, Cherry Coke, all of it.  Give it to me...minus Pepsi Zero, gross.  So am I going to dabble and have one of those a day?  Yes.  Are you trying to tell me I'm supposed to cut that stuff out?  Did you hear of that old ass lady who drank a Dr. Pepper everyday?  She's still alive...I think.  You trying to tell me she didn't do something right?  How much do you think she slept!?

Drink Less Alcohol

Nope!  Next!

More Water

I do enjoy a good water.  It's the best drink ever...after whiskey...and Dr. Pepper...and sometimes milk but only if you had something chocolate...it's so good...or when you have a slice of pizza and drink some milk, I used to love that.  Now, I'm no longer a milk guy but I'm getting off topic.  Sleep?  Yes.

So there you have it!  All helpful tips that will be sure to make you feel super relaxed and ready to have a great day.  You can thank me later!

Thanks for reading:

Jeff

Oh did you know I wrote a book!?  I'd like to sell more and all of it goes to my kids college fund and if we sell more, like oh a million more maybe it can be a movie and then I can...hold up...the next blog I cast Burying the Past.  Then it essentially will be a cinch for those Hollywood types to get the movie going.  

LET'S GOOOOO!  PS buy the book, link below.  

Burying the Past

Parenting Advice

Who doesn't love unsolicited parenting advice!?  The answer?  Nobody!  I love telling people what to do with their kids.  You know who else likes to lay down Law & Order?  Ice Tea Danny Gilbertson, that's who.  So we decided to ask each other some parenting questions, to give the best advice to you, the parents who need it ;)

Warning: The majority of this is satire.  Duh.

How do you get your kids to sleep?

Danny: Easy, shot of whiskey right before bedtime.

Best idea for playtime?

Danny: The William Tell Game. It teaches precision and they can eat the fruit afterwards so it’s healthy also!

How to get a difficult child to eat?

Danny: Turn everything into a chicken nugget. Just bread it, deep fry it, and bam, broccoli chicken nuggets.

Best TV show/book for education?

Danny: The Art Of The Deal. One chapter a night and so by the time when they turn 10 they’ll be on their way to their first bankruptcy.

Let’s say you get a message from your kids teacher that they are bullying, how do you handle it?

Jeff: High five the kid.  Look, 98% of people are crappy as it is, it's good they are standing up for themselves in a world of monsters.  But after the high five, clearly five weeks with no Cocomelon, I'm not trying to raise monsters.

How old is too old to spank your kid?

Jeff: In our house we don't spank.  They get time out, toys and TV taken away.  But what we should really ask is, "What's the best age to start spanking adults?  So many crap people, if someone is being awful I think age 22-40 should be fine.  Hire a tough person to do the spankings (it's hard for people to get jobs), in public of course.  Boom, new jobs for people who need to find work. 

How many Lego's can you step on as a parent before you decide to throw them all away in a fit of rage?

Jeff: Trick question, the answer to this is ONE.  They can get their fix of Lego's by watching the Lego movies, all terrific movies, even for adults.  At this point I would rather walk over hot coals then step on a Lego again, and I've clearly only stepped on ONE...ever.

What is the best time for a kid to go to bed?

This is a big one for all parents.  But the best answer is what is the best time for you, the parent, to go to sleep?  That answer is 7 PM.  If you're actually a parent you should be exhausted by 7 PM, but you should try to stay up til 10/11 PM for sanity.  If you're out clubbing on a Wednesday night til 2 AM, drinking Pepsi, your kid is more of a parent than you.  But the answer for your kid is every night at 7:45 PM...enough time to binge watch a movie or two shows, then pass out on the couch like a true parent.

This was fun!  Danny, let's do this again, maybe this can be the Q&A blog we do in the future where you, the readers, give us questions and we both answer, kind of like the Coke or Pepsi Challenge?  We'll type our answers blindfolded and let spellcheck REALLY get to work.

Thanks for reading!

Cowriters