Space Jam

 

It's been since December of 2023 since I've written a blog, what's happened in the year and a half between in the world!?  Anything!?  I thought I would change it up a little, there's only so much blogging you can do about how you disagree with how stupid people are, so I'm going to watch movies and review them, writing down what I think as it happens.  Today, we're doing the 1996 classic, Space Jam.  

We're starting off hot!  With the "unproblematic" R. Kelly playing in the background right off the bat while the also... "unproblematic" James Jordan is rebounding shots for his son, young Michael Jordan.  I'm legit currently reading "Michael Jordan: The Life", I chose an awful time to see anything that has to do with his dad.  

My daughter asked me why are the opening credits just Michael Jordan highlights...honestly, I could watch just Michael Jordan highlights for an hour and twenty minutes.  That'd be no issue for me.  That's already one hour and ten minutes longer than LeBron's longest highlight reel (warning: I like LeBron, he has the best CAREER of any NBA player ever...but there will be many LeBron jokes in this). 

Bugs Bunny gets top billing in this movie which has always been hilarious to me.  Did his agent want equal billing with Michael or what?  Did David Falk (MJ's agent) just let this slide!?  

The Space Jam song by the Quad City DJ's is a legitimate bop and it's better than their only hit, The Train...I said it.  The Space Jam soundtrack is a legit 5/5 perfect soundtrack, it has it all!  A collection of rapper's rapping about Hitting Them High, then Hitting Them Low.  It has Seal covering Steve Miller.  It has a Basketball Jones cover where Chris Rock, Chris Rock's it.  It has a song Believing You Can Fly by a cult leader AND it has a song called Buggin' written by Jay-Z but rapped by Bugs Bunny.  Google that last sentence...I'll wait.  

Okay you're back!  Yeah, Jay-Z wrote a Bugs Bunny rap.  Welcome to 1996!

We're now to the Shawn Bradley think piece of this movie and I'm 4 minutes in.  Why was he in over Hakeem Olajuwon or David Robinson!?  You're building the best players and you just go for the tallest Mormon you can find?  Was there too much violence in this for David Robinson or what!?  More thoughts on the lineup later, I know this because I've seen this movie more than I'd care to admit. 

Also RIP Shawn Bradley.  

Four people wrote Space Jam.  Four.  And the director, Joe Pytka didn't direct a movie for 21 more years.  WTF.  Quick thought, that director did magic here. He got a dude who can't act to carry a movie with cartoons characters and Newman.  But seriously, FOUR WRITERS!?

I also want to know the timeline this movie was written.  MJ retired in the summer of 1993, he went and played baseball in 1994...came back to the NBA spring of 1995 and this movie came out in 1996.  So if you believe that he was legit secretly suspended for gambling, did Warner Brothers and the NBA in the meantime go in to cahoots and have the screenplay mirror what was going to happen in real life to create the highest grossing basketball movie of all time?!  Go ahead...look it up, I'll wait. 

LeBron could never.

Speaking of NBA conspiracies Patrick Ewing is in this, they froze that envelope so he'd be the number 1 pick for the Knicks, so who is to say that they didn't force MJ to "retire" then come back and make the best movie of all time since The Godfather 2.  

Back to the commercial...sorry, "movie"!  It starts with MJ playing baseball, let's discuss this for a second.  The dude played an entirely different sport until his 30's, went and played baseball, AA baseball at that and still hit over .200?!  LeBron could never.  Hitting a ball any athlete will say is the hardest thing in the world and this dude went to AA against future pros and minor league veterans and still hit over .200 which most major leaguers can't do now!?!?  MJ is the goat.  LeBron could never. 

Also, he left baseball then months later dropped over 50 at MSG against the Knicks so...yeah.  Goat.

Muggsy Bogues being in this is fun, but they took the shortest and the tallest (Bradley) players in this just for the movie.  If we're being realistic about this you're taking John Stockton or Gary Payton at this point to play...point.  I'd even argue Nick Van Exel.  Again, more thoughts later.  

Also Muggsy I think is in this only because MJ was so harsh in calling him a midget it legit ruined his career, so now he gets royalties from being in Space Jam.  That's my third conspiracy theory and we're like 20 minutes in. 

A player lost all his confidence just because MJ made fun of him, let that soak in....LeBron could never.

So MJ's home in this is an unguarded family home in the only nice part of Birmingham, Alabama.  That is the least believable part of this movie...a movie that has aliens try to take over the world by playing Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes in basketball and Michael's house is just not up to snuff (also that there's a single nice place in Birmingham...that is also not believable).

Also no security!?  His only security is Newman from Seinfeld...did they expect nothing bad to happen!?!?

Off topic, which child of his grew up to be caught with cocaine, I hope it wasn't Jeff!

Off topic part 2, when I was 8 I saw a basketball card with Michael Jordan's name, his middle name is Jeffrey.  That is legit why I chose him as my favorite player ever.  That and the cool Nike commercials.  I didn't know he'd be the best or tied for the best basketball player of all time when I was 8.  This story nobody believes, yet they believe that Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes can beat aliens for control of the world. 

The voice of Homer Simpson and the wife of Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond being courtside in this is so random.  Was Marge Simpsons busy!?  Was Ray Barone working!?  Did these two actors randomly date!?  I got to Google this.  Just wait...

No they didn't...why is this happening?!  Couldn't they have gotten someone big at that time for a cameo?  Cindy Crawford?  Pamela Anderson?  Kato Kaelin!?

Danny Ainge has range, and I'm not just talking about his basketball shooting.  What an actor!  "COME ON MAN GET BACK ON D!!!!"

Vlade Divac and Cedric Ceballos were masking up in this movie to protect themselves from losing their health, health that was being stolen from the other NBA players...could we not have played this movie for anti-vaxxers/maskers to show why that is important?!  That might have changed a lot of minds.  Kleeman for president...if we ever get a new one ever again.

Back to the movie!  Bill Murray, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan golfing outing.  I hate golfing...legit I hate it.  But if I was to be asked to go along on that trip, I'm leaving immediately, as fast as it took MJ to get abducted by the Toons down that hole.

I looked up the almost cast in this, Chevy Chase and Michael J Fox turned down Newman's role and Gheorge Muresan who is famous for being tall and in a Snicker's commercials ALSO turned this down.  Wow.

Also, Golf Jam and Skate Jam were almost things and I have to question why they weren't!? Tiger Woods at his height in Golf Jam, MJ would've done that cameo over Space Jam 2 in a second.  Skate Jam!?  It'd be like Gleaming the Cube but with cartoons.  I'm all in on these, come on WB!!!

We all wanna bang Lola Bunny right!?  Why is this happening!?  What are these feelings and why did they make her like this!?  She has to be a hot bunny to be good at basketball!?  

Oh, if that offends you I have bad news for you, turn on the news.

Also the Space Jam website is still up, go check it out.  I'm doing a new thing with my blogs where I'm not putting in too much work, so just go to another browser and look for it.  I will no longer link things.

Okay, it's game time...before that though let's get in to the rotation for the Monstars.  Ewing, Barkley and Grandmama Larry Johnson are all fine choices.  Big front line, then you add in Bradley!?  Then Bogues is your point....not one of them has any outside shooting so they must've been expecting a bruising, low scoring game.  But this is 1996 so if I'm forming the perfect team at that time?  Let's go with Payton for point guard, Clyde Drexler for my shooting guard (could go Reggie Miller here too), small forward I neeeeeed some outside scoring so Glen Rice is there (but if it's Reggie we're putting in Scottie Pippen for defense and a future 1 on 1 for dating his wife) just for some buckets, not for Rice's defense, then we have Barkley and Ewing already so we're good there, you could argue having Karl Malone and Hakeem or Robinson...OR SHAQ but Shaq had to go make crap movies (except Blue Chips, that movie is the shit).  

Also on the billing, MJ and Bugs up top, but the true star of this is Daffy Duck.  Steals the show in every scene, has Danny Ainge range in sports and acting.  He's great.

Fun parenting hack I stole from this movie, the Bugs Bunny water legit works when my kids are playing sports.  It's all mental, they had the heart to win this game the whole time!

Bill Murray coming back for a last second assist wearing a St. Paul Saint's hat is an underrated hat choice.  He's a better number 2 than Scottie Pippen. I SAID IT!

Toon Squad wins!  Kisses everywhere, I love the rabbit ear implications that Bugs Bunny is erect, again, are we all supposed to F Lola Bunny!?

The end of the movie is maybe the most unrealistic part.  Michael Jordan would not have given the powers back, especially to Muggsy.  But he did come back to win 3 straight titles for the second time in a row...LeBron could never.  

After 1998 we will just pretend he that he never went back to sports and played for another team (the Wizards....sigh) randomly for 2 years, then buy another team and be completely god awful at running it (the Bobcats/Hornets) and he definitely never had a Hall of Fame speech that made me cringe so hard I had to stop watching and he definitely, definitely did not get a Hitler mustache at any point (brave choice, would be better suited now I guess for a Tesla ad)...we're just gonna pretend he rode off in to the sunset in 1998 and was just an ambassador for the game.  And maybe he made the Space Jam sequel that would've brought us in to the world of Space Golf and Space Skate....

I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYYY

That's it!  That's the first one of these and I actually enjoyed writing this so that's neat.  I think I'll do one of these again, if you actually read this, maybe comment what movie I do and I'll abide. Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

Stop! There's a Movie On!

I may have gotten lazy last week and waited to release this blog a good 4 days late!  Also the podcast is coming, ran in to some trouble that only this man could help me with!



Thanks Ras!  Computer expert, funny guy, straight shooter...that's Eric Rasmussen. 

So the blog is an easy one this week, and it couldn't have come out at a better time...post Oscars. 

Every Sunday I generally like to lay around (except for yesterday, super busy), and when I lay around my favorite thing to do...besides eating an entire large pizza...is channel surf through movies.  I always enjoy the mystery of what is going to be on. 

The other day The Intern and The Internship were on back to back channels and my head exploded.  So we went and stopped on Jurassic Park. 



Now don't get me wrong, I'm a Sam Neill fanatic, but I never stop on Jurassic Park, or Jurassic Park 2...or 3...I'm not generally a lover of this franchise.  It's a great movie but if I'm flipping through and land on a movie, it's going to be one of the following! 

The Goonies

There is no better movie that shows the torturing of a young child than this one:



It's so good!  Reasons to stop on this are:

- the soundtrack, the Cyndi Lauper song is amazing...oh a link?  Sure!

- the fact that Josh Brolin is still in things makes me laugh
- the pizza place that Chunk is at in the beginning?  Oh, I'VE BEEN THERE!
- just a classic 1980's feel good movie. 

Space Jam

I don't need a gif or a meme to explain why this movie is on my list.  Because it's awful, but it's good awful. 

The game makes no sense.  The acting is awful.  The NBA stars selected all make sense for that time...except Shawn Bradley who shouldn't be in it. 

But it's all great, does that make sense?  No?  Okay, so it takes me to a time in my childhood when I loved all things NBA and Michael Jordan. The NBA in the 90's was the best.  So many memorable players, among them the greatest player in NBA history in Michael Jordan.  It's kinda funny.  Lola Bunny is uncomfortably attractive for a cartoon bunny...because she's clearly Natalie Dormer!



Oh and Bill Murray is in it!

That's your answer.  Next!

Batman



I've seen this movie probably 54 times in my life, maybe 55...who knows?  I just made that number up, but it's up there.  It's the best one out of the "original 4" and the second best one after The Dark Knight. 

I choose this over The Dark Knight because that movie is long as hell, and this one has Jack Nicholson hamming it up and a gloomy Michael Keaton, what's not to love?

Caddyshack

- classic Bill Murray
- hilarious television edits
- again, an amazing soundtrack
- Baby Ruth scene

I dislike Chevy Chase, he has 3 good movies, this is one of them.  * can anyone guess the other two!?

Dumb and Dumber

I first saw Dumb and Dumber in 7th grade.  Our school took us to it the night of our state capital trip to Pierre, SD (if you're not from South Dakota, hell even if you are, now you know the state capital). 

I don't think the adults thought this selection through, and every time I see this movie I laugh about how insane it was to take a bunch of 12 year old's to this movie.  Even edited you get to see a lot of the classic scenes.

Also, this was literally right before Jim Carrey lost his damn mind.  He was such a treasure!

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

I don't know why, but every time this is on, I stop. 

Brad Pitt is pretty funny in it, Vince Vaughn is great...Angelina...



Oh that's right, now it makes sense.  I'm team Angelina by the way, even after the divorce. 

It's a decent movie, I can sleep during it and wake up having felt I missed nothing.  It's a perfect Sunday movie experience. 

Talladega Nights

Our household loves Will Ferrell, even though he has some real crap movies from time to time.

He has so many classics: Old School, which almost made this list, Anchorman, Elf...but I chose this, why? 

Not sure.  But every time it's on, I stop.  It's super underrated.  Sacha Baron Cohen isn't annoying in it (his only good movie is Borat, unless you count Hugo). 

John C. Reilly is great. 



Michael Clarke Duncan (RIP) is great.  So I stop. 

The Incredibles

Pixar is taking over the world.  No crappy movies except for the Cars franchise...I SAID IT!

The Incredibles is my favorite of the bunch.  It's not super sad.  It won't make you cry (Wall-E, Coco, Up).  It doesn't have Tim Allen. 

I have this as my number one all time Pixar movie, in the parenthesis above you can figure out the top 4...with that being said, one less topic of conversation on the Rushmore Review podcast... coming soon!  I swear!

The Replacements

This blog could literally be 10 pages of amazing movies.  I clearly haven't listed all of them, the blog would be too long, and you're probably almost done.  So here's the BEST movie to stop on...



It's not a perfect movie.  There's a ton of flaws.  Orlando Jones is in it.  But if there isn't something about this movie every single damn time I'm flipping through where I think to myself, "I'm going to finish this, I don't even care." 

Keanu is always great, I don't care what anyone says.  Gene Hackman is one of my top 10 favorite actors ever.  The girl (Brooke Langton) in it...is no longer famous, unless you count when she was in Friday Night Lights for a few episodes.  Her casting always make me wonder if Ashley Judd was literally busy the couple of months it took to film this?

Back to the movie!  It's a fun little movie.  It doesn't involve too much thought.  There's football in it.  There's a classic John Madden/Pat Summerall scene that has them do play-by-play of the sex scene. 
It has Gene f'ing Hackman.  Heads or tails I'm done with this blog Gene?   I'm picking tails for yes.



I'm done! 

There are literally tons of movies to add to this.  I missed a lot (Tango & Cash, I'm so sorry!).  If I missed your favorite, or if you have any share, DO IT. 

Later on this week, hopefully that damn podcast will be going up.  Episode 2 is being taped tonight, the top 4 movie soundtracks of all time. 

The end of the week will have word associate with Brian Opp and I believe Aaron Pew is going to get me his list of the top 32 quarterbacks in the NFL, and we know that will be fun to read. 

Thanks for reading! 

Jeff Kleeman