What's All This To Do Then?

 

I just finished my book, you may have heard!?  So I didn't want to over-promote it but... here is a link to Burying the Past, available now on Amazon!  

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTRPH7RW?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

Finishing the book was a glorious/painful experience.  It's definitely not perfect.  There's stories looking back on that I forgot to put in, the Cory putting out a fire story in particular is a great story and I COMPLETELY FORGOT!  SORRY KAAAAAHHHHH!

There's stories that honestly should've went in that I didn't include because of...reasons, particularly with the two jobs in Lincoln.  The stories are so amazingly weird and bonkers they don't honestly seem real anyway.  You can ask me what they are the old fashioned way, text messaging!

Also with any exes I tried to be super nice, I think I was only mean to like two?  And I can't tell other stories because I am quite happily married, so if you want to hear any of those you can ask me what they are the old fashioned way, calling (text messaging you can screen shot, nope)!

Maybeeeeee if I sell 500 copies of the book, I'll get greedy enough to come out with a deluxe edition or put in a better font size for the older people (I did a 12 font and on the test run I thought it looked fine, so my apologies if you had to get a magnifying glass to read...and no apologies if you work at a magnifying glass plant).  

Now that I finished the book, what do I do with the limited time I had?  Well...what do you think this blog is about!?  Join me as I debate my next route...

- Another Book

Nope!  Never.  Done.  

I have debated writing a screen play for fun.  I attempted one a LONG time ago in college that was called 17 Cent Situation...and it is pretty amazing, but writing a screenplay seems far more complicated than a book and it's not going to end up a movie anyway.

- Binge Some More Shows

I honestly don't know what shows I have left to binge watch besides a handful, those being

* Better Call Saul's final season

* Severance (100% happening this week)

* Curb Your Enthusiasm (I'm on episode 5 of season 1...it's a long task)

OR binge watch some classics such as

* Seinfeld, to see if it's held up

* The Office (sadly I've been doing this, I'm to season's 4 finale, it's held up, but Jim is kind of a dick and Pam is possibly the worst, team Karen)

* Community, also to see if it held up or I built it up in my head as the greatest show ever.

Get In To Politics...AGAIN!

Nope!  I don't want to tie again.  There's no other options, I won't win, I won't lose.  I will have a second tie.  That is my destiny.  Plus have you seen how bad it is on both sides?  No, I'm good.  Unless there's a cool third party that isn't influenced by horrible people with money and decide what happens based on what's right.  

PS Tax churches. 

Exercise!

This I do need to do.  Turning 40 has led to my body hating if I eat burritos 6 days in a row, so add diet in there too...in fact, boom we have a winner!  Only one problem, what is a healthy burrito I can do?  Feel free to text me or comment.  

I think I'm going to maybe do my progression diet-wise on this blog.  Let's see how I do now that you're invested!

*Also I had the following blog idea for a while, but it doesn't warrant a full blog, so I'm throwing in my questioning of parenthood activities. 

I was talking with my coworker last week (was it last week!?) and parenting now is crazy right?  Where am I going with this?  Glad you didn't ask!  I'm going in a few directions.  One direction is schools and other various things only having activities during work hours.  When was all of this decided?  Parent teacher conferences at a preschool during the day!?  A fun run scheduled during the noon hour in a big ish city!?  No, what is this?  

All you parents who do make it, what do you...do?  Stay at home spouse is definitely a job (trust me!  I did it briefly) but if you live in the richy rich part of the neighborhood I automatically assume it's a two household income kinda lifestyle so I'm super confused when one person is a banker and the other either doesn't work or is a part time florist.  It's your parents money isn't it?  

The other thing with parenting and activities, if you have more than 2 kids I feel for you.  There's so many things for them to do you don't get any time for yourself.  We have at no particular time: gymnastics, swimming, dance, piano, soccer and we haven't even gotten to baseball/basketball/football.  That's insane on two levels, time and expense.  I'd like my kids to try everything, but I also see why some of those psycho (sorry, intense) parents force (sorry, focus) on one sport, saves some time and money. 

Basically, the main thing to learn is nothing will ever be perfect as long as you try and the kids don't turn in to jerks.  So far so good on my end!

Thanks for reading...also you may be unsure, but I did just release a book, available here:

Burying the Past

Thanks for reading!  Oh, I forgot to list above with exercise...blogging will be back, ish!  Maybe monthly, depends on my ideas and when they come to me.  Have a great day!

Jeff

PS Next blog is going to be about boomers and why they should have to take a test to be on Facebook.  I just thought of this, it's too good not to do.  

Burying the Past: Last Book Teaser

 

I have done it!  I finished my book.  I'm now editing to make sure it grammatically looks good.  I'm also adding things I may have missed, especially from the Rat Pack Party chapter.   Then all I have to do is do a Cast of Characters and we're good to go.  This took a year to finish, but I did it.  Below are a few entries from the book.  I hope it's enough to entice you to buy it because clearly my only motivation for finishing this is money and to sell it for millions of dollars.  

This entry is from the nicknames chapter, We have encountered a lot of very interesting people throughout the years, here's one that I still enjoy discussing:

Snowboard Guitar Guy

Telling this story as an adult is always fun.  It’s one of my go to’s for the absurdity of it.  We were having a party when I was alerted there was an older man outside on my deck drinking.  So I went outside to see what the hubbub was about.  

It was a man who was homeless talking with people outside who were smoking.  I had nothing against that.  So I started to talk to him, I found out from him that his one source of income was by nude modeling at the art school.  He had wanted to patent an invention where you could have a snowboard that also played guitar.  As you got down to the bottom of the hill, when you were done snowboarding you could immediately shred on your guitar and play some tunes.  

Smash wanted him to come inside my home and hangout, but I was very hesitant, so I didn’t let him in the house.  She was furious at me.  So he stayed outside the rest of the night, talking with whomever and we never saw him again.  I often wonder if he got to live his dream or what happened to him?  

The Mermaid

She was brought up earlier in the book.  She had joined us for an H-Worth Open event and left the next day before our 6th Rat Pack Party.  I had found out she had an ex-husband she didn’t tell me about from Stein.  

There was always something weird with her, she was very nice, but there was a weird rule.  She was reading an advice book from Steve Harvey of all people.  In the book, he said couples who start dating shouldn’t have sex for 60 days.  That way the relationship wouldn’t have any complications from having sex.  So I got cock blocked by Steve Harvey.  We also had a double date, playing Family Feud of all things, with Julia and her boyfriend Drummer.  I went to get a beer with Julia and she swears Mermaid was hitting on Drummer, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO!  

A few weeks later we went to a place in Chamberlain, SD to go camping.  After I saw either a ghost or a dead body (Google it, there’s reportedly a ghost in that river and I’m convinced it was one of those two), we had a conversation about relationships.  Her parents and family had come to join us, they were quite nice actually.  So I told her I liked her family, she told me it was moving too fast.  She wanted to take a break, which was a perfect thing to say before going to bed in a tent and possibly seeing a dead body or a ghost.  

I woke up that morning and went home.  We didn’t talk for a week as she went on a vacation with her family.  When she got back she called me, which was weird because we lived in the same apartment, she was literally right under my floor.  But she called at the worst possible time.  LeBron James was going to say where he was going to play basketball.  Was he to stay in Cleveland?  Was he going to Miami?  Did Jeff see a ghost or a dead body?!  Nobody knew!  

So while she told me we were done on the phone I asked her if she could pause for a second, as Dark Honey was in the other room screaming, LeBron had chosen Miami.  Wow.  Incredible.  Oh, and I was single again.  She eventually wanted to get back together, but that was too much crazy for me.  

Also a subtle hint to her name, Simo would call her REO Speedwagon, which dammit I should’ve named her entry that!  

I was going to share a story about how a party of ours was started called Jock Jams, but I had too much controversy this week with Facebook posts, so I"ll post about one of the jobs I had in my younger years.

Sioux Falls Skyforce

I love basketball, I suck at it, but I love it.  90’s basketball got me through a lot growing up.  I loved video game basketball, NBA Jam, Michael Jordan and the Bulls, nobody I know can beat me at NBA Live ’95 or ’96, fact.  

So when I graduated and an internship with the Sioux Falls Skyforce came up I jumped at the opportunity.  They are a minor league affiliate, at the time for the Minnesota Timberwolves, for the NBA and one of the most successful franchises in “minor league” basketball.  

My job was to do promotions and be one of those people you see go out during timeouts or breaks in the action and shoot t-shirts into the crowd or throw balls.  It honestly was a fun gig; it was just really time consuming at nights and holidays and you didn’t get paid anything.

My thinking was, I would work there and maybe end up finding a job with an NBA team.  My cousin had worked with the Sioux Falls Stampede, then with the Magic and I thought that sounded fun.  Maybe I’ll get into promotions with an NBA squad?  

No, not meant to be and not an easy career to get into.  I did get some perks like free tickets and food which was nice.  Ironically the girl I was going to live with in Sioux Falls was a cheerleader for the Skyforce, she was the only nice cheerleader.  In fact, besides the front office, even the players were jerks.  I bumped into one very tall player at a bar and went up to him, introduced myself and said, “hey I guess we’re kind of coworkers huh!?”.  He looked at me with no facial expression, “Fuck no!”.  And walked away.  

One of my last nights is one of the most embarrassing stories of my life.  I became the main partner of the mascot; I think his name was Thunder.  I would assist him with whatever he needed cuz his hands were mascot paws.  The most rewarding part of the job was helping special needs kids and getting them prizes every game.  It truly was awesome, and I loved it every time.  Except one night. 

It was Christmas so it was a packed house.  At the time I was dating McQ, and I had gotten her parents some free tickets to the game.  I was feeling super cool and went to go help Thunder deliver a ball to a special needs kid.  I got a little too amped up and instead of a bounce pass I did an overhead pass, but it slipped out of my hands.  I can still hear the “oooooooh” of the crowd as Thunder THANKFULLY caught the ball inches from this poor kid’s head.  He handed the kid the ball, he was thankfully oblivious.  I went and hid behind the hoop, embarrassed beyond belief.  

Ever had a mascot look at you in complete disbelief?  I have.  That was brutal.  I was done shortly after, by choice, nobody besides the mascot even knew what had happened.  But I felt so bad.  Thunder, if you’re reading this, I owe you one buddy. 

Rating: 3/5

Thanks for reading!  I hope this was enough to entice you to get the book when it's complete.  Have a great weekend. 

Jeff Kleeman

Burying the Past Teaser

I'm writing a book about all the stories from my life, and since I am INSANELY close to being done, I thought I would share a chapter on my blog.  I gotta gauge the recation of anybody who may want to purchase and/or read the book right!?

The book is called Burying the Past, when you read the whole thing, you'll get the gist.  The story below is about our dear friend Jorge.  I hope you enjoy and I really hope you like the book.  

* everyone's names, besides mine, have been changed in the book unless I got permission, for legal purposes yada yada yada, enjoy!

Jorge

I was going to do a comical take on writing about Jorge.  I was going to do a big write up as if he were real and then at the very end reveal that Jorge was in fact a beer bong, before going into his funeral…yes you read that right.  But writing it that way would be in awful taste, just like the kind of taste that came out of Jorge and into us.

Jorge came about one night by Beast and Murphy, who wanted to make a beer bong for all to enjoy.  He was named after a brachiosaurus toy that grows in the water, that they had as a pet.  Those are not meant to be pets as they are not real, living beings so it got a bit…disgusting.  So, this was the next best thing. 

You would never think that a beer bong would mean so much to so many.  Having literally a wife, Brooke, with two stepchildren in Young Boy and BV.  The day Jorge debuted is well documented, which was rare during late 2003 because there wasn’t Facebook.  There were no smart phones.  No Instagram.  It was incredible looking back on it.  What we did have was a digital camera.  Then after you took the pictures, you had to manually put them on a computer, then either put on a zip drive or CD and give to friends.  So barbaric!

That night is the second night I had ever blacked out.  The first being my 21^st birthday.  I had no idea the power a beer bong had, because I was really stupid, I believe I had 10 beer bongs that night.  The pictures are great, showing a bunch of young people having a good time with Jorge, living our best life.  From that point forward Jorge was a part of our family for more than a year.  Here are some amazing stories about Jorge during his all too brief time with us. 

We went to Sioux Falls, SD for an interesting night.  Our friend Bro Bro was at a party at his brother’s house, so he asked us to come up, so we brought Jorge and got at it.  We all got really drunk, but my friend Ben wanted to leave because there were no girls there, so the most sober had to drive…that was me.  The reason I drove you may ask?  Murphy and Ben fell asleep in the car smoking a cigarette, Murphy woke up to the cigarette burning his pants.  It was time to go. 

This was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, as I drove from Sioux Falls to Vermillion, which is roughly an hour.  On my drive there was not one single car the entire time.  It was the luckiest I had ever been…or so I thought.  I had made it home and went to sleep, while we were gone there was a party at my house, common theme.  I was awakened at 8 AM by Cowriter running in to my room.  “Where the hell is Jorge!?!?!”.  Oh my god, we had left him in Sioux Falls at the party.  I frantically called Bro Bro to make sure Jorge was okay, but it was so early he wasn’t going to answer.

LUCKILY, he was awake.  As he was driving to his hometown cross state.  In his hungover daze he responded, “Don’t worry, Jorge is with me.  He’s okay!”.  Thank.  God.  Jorge was safely delivered back a week later. 

Jorge had an amazing run for a beer bong.  Honestly, he was part of the family.  When we moved houses, he came with.  The next year of his life was at a house called the Double Barrel.  This house, and I’ll allude more to this later, was at the time the biggest party house on campus.  There was a party every night of the week, sometimes Sundays were taken off, more often than not they weren’t.  One brutal spring night, I was in my room making a mix CD for the party…that is actually something I did…and Cowriter and Bro Bro ran to my room (what is with Cowriter and Jorge?!).  Someone had stepped on Jorge.  He was dead.  I was FURIOUS.  I found the person who stepped on him and approached him.  “You fucking killed him!?”.  Clearly this college kid was very confused what I was talking about, as his only response was, “What?”.  Well, that riled me up even more and I kicked him out of my house.  He was gone. 

We tried to figure out if we could save him, but it was impossible.  The dipshit stepped right on the base of the funnel and cracked it.  So we did what any normal college kids would do, we threw a funeral. 

This is, out of all the stories I have, one of the funniest and one of the most bizarre.  So that week was interesting, trying to figure out the best way to honor Jorge and his memory.  So Murphy made a casket for Jorge, our roommate Stone embalmed him with Icehouse.  The casket was expertly crafted, and when Murphy’s dad walked in on him making the casket, he told his dad that it was a cabinet for his shoes.  I don’t think he bought it, but he didn’t ask any questions. 

Literally the same week we were put on noise probation because we had over 200 people at our house.  Beast was back from Europe, which ironically is the reason I started journaling all of our stories.  Our other friend, Bodyguard, had just joined the Navy, so we had a going away/welcome back party of massive proportions.  We had to do this funeral but be really sneaky about it and have a small gathering of people, or this time we’d get in deep shit.  

That week we made funeral preparations.  Skeet would be the priest and give a sermon.  We had speakers set up for speeches about what Jorge meant to us.  And we had a gigantic backyard, so we decided to bury him in the back next to a rock that was randomly in the middle of the yard. 

The morning of the funeral, we ran in to some issues, because who wouldn’t?  Stone was having reservations about Skeet’s sermon.  We had started to dig the hole next to the rock, but we noticed it just kept going, and going, and going.  This rock went into the depths of the earth, but it was too late so we dug out a little further to fit a casket.  It fit.  Now we decided to have service at 4 PM that day.  The reason for that?

We lived next door to a fucking church.  And this was a Saturday.  So, we thought the funeral would be done relatively quick, then we’d have a procession through town, go back and bury him, then show our respects.  We had 6 pallbearers; I was one of them.  It’s a very weird photo to see as an adult, that’s for sure. 

As the funeral began, church goers next door were starting to show up.  They showed up EARLY.  As Skeet finished his abbreviated sermon, it was time for Murphy to do a speech.  As he was giving his respects to Jorge, the beer bong, Murphy saw his parents walking into church.  His speech was cut short.  It was time for the procession. 

The funeral procession was one of the most insane moments of my life.  Muzzle drove a Bravada, a large black vehicle that fit himself and the pallbearers.  Because I’m short and skinny, I always sat “bitch” which was in the middle back of each vehicle.  Or in weird circumstances like this, I would sit in the VERY back of a vehicle, and there I was, sitting right next to Jorge in his casket. 

We started driving in a 4-5 car procession around town and I started to tear up.  I don’t know what happened, but the emotion overcame me when I looked in the car behind us.  It was Skeet driving, with Bear shotgun, dressed up.  I looked down at Jorge’s casket and it was just a very surreal moment for me.  We did a loop through town and, I shit you not, two cars joined in on our procession.  One was an old lady who probably had no idea what was happening.  I swear to this day she did the sign of the cross while we drove.  You and me both lady.  I actually, no joke, started to tear up in the back. 

The other car that joined I have no clue who it was, but as we got back to our home, we put Jorge down.  I threw in a letter and some pictures, and we buried him back in the ground.  He is still there to this day.  Skeet bought the house we lived at, so some day, we will get Jorge out of the ground.  The day was also turned in to a college movie that was directed by Stone.  This situation can show you how insanely creative my group of friends are AND how motivated we can all be if we truly want to get something done.  Thanks Jorge.  For everything.

Beer bongs were still had afterward.  A sibling was made for Jorge, and we went through the ringer trying to name it.  We settled on the name of Ol’ Boot, who was a fine lad, it just wasn’t the same.  It’s never been the same honestly.  RIP Jorge.