Let me tell you about vacations, they are amazing. They are exhausting. They are expensive. They give you memories that will last a life time. (Also I almost named this blog Napa Know How, but I thought the word play was better with this).
Last December, we had the idea to book a trip to wine country in June. We were REALLY hoping things would be better by then, luckily things are...well sort of better. On our plan for this trip, we were lucky to talk one of our better friend couples, The Coley's, in to coming, and wouldn't you know it, they said yes!
This vacation was so good, so interesting, and so silly, I thought it would make the perfect topic for a Kleeman Report. Let's begin!
WEDNESDAY
Vacations, especially for parents of young children, are a silly thing. You book the vacation MONTHS in advance, wanting to get some much needed rest, maybe get a little drunk, and definitely be able to do things at a different location past 8 pm (on the west coast it would've been a bed time/hotel hang out of 6 PM if we brought the kids). So we got to do all of those things, but you miss your kids incredibly bad (if you're a good parent anyway) so when we left at 4 AM on Wednesday morning I felt incredibly guilty for leaving the kids (with their grandparents btw, they can't fend for themselves until the oldest is 7...just kidding).
Also driving an hour to the airport at 4 AM, downing a coffee energy drink has got to be the absolute worst thing for my health. First, way less sleep. Second, I just inhaled whatever the hell they put in that energy drink which, third, leads to the shakes lol. If I would've been pulled over, I would've told whoever pulled me over I was wasted JUST so I didn't have to drive anymore.
Back to the airport, so airports are always weird and they always suck. That's just my opinion (my spot on opinion). You take a bunch of people and throw them in a little tin can of a place and watch anarchy ensue. Add in the stress of doing this STILL during a pandemic. Sprinkle in some "people have always sucked, but now they are 10x worse after the last year". Then throw in tired/excited for their trip and you have a recipe usually for disaster. LUCKILY, this first part was fine...for us. The Coley's got delayed at a different airport, which is always the absolute worst (more on this later) for the people and the people meeting them (luckily this part ended up fine for us as well).
Layover in Phoenix, then off to the San Fran airport. I'm a 49'ers fan, this is known. Biggest observation of the airport? There is literally no 9'ers swag at the airport. Just nothing. Every airport has a ton of stores showing off their local team. The Phoenix airport had a Suns shirt so cool, I debated making them my second favorite team (still, go Bulls). But San Fran? Nothing. Doesn't exist. Also if you want to eat, good f'ing luck doing it after you get your bags. So we hadn't ate since the previous day, it was now noon'ish and the only, the ONLY PLACE, to get any food was a Starbucks, luckily located by the baggage claim for our delayed friends, the Coley's. Now for the rental car!
Rental cars suck. Trust me I used to work at Enterprise, they suck. You don't get the insurance, you don't need it, but question if you should've gotten it the whole time...even though you don't need it. Then they have all these hidden fees, especially in California with them damn troll tolls. Other than that, absolutely solid time with our Mitsubishi family car.
Our time in San Fran wasn't long, but we did happen to stumble to the Wharf. We had been there years ago with another couple (the Pew's) but nothing had really changed besides more masks (by about 99% more). Just a bunch of tourist traps, seafood and NO 49'ERS GEAR ANYWHERE! It's literally my birthday in days, come on.
So wine country, Napa... I love (still do after writing this!). Is it overpriced? Yes, but everything is overpriced, even the McChicken is now overpriced. The only thing that honestly sucked was getting there. Here's a fun fact I learned, there is nowhere to pee in San Fran. So Napa is very, very close, so I decide to hold my pee...here's also what I learned...if you hold your pee long enough you start to lose feeling in your toes and fingers. Yeah, that happened lol.
The resort we stayed at was legit fantastic. Do I remember the name? No, but if you really want to know you can message me and ask, then I'll ask my wife or Gina (cuz David probably can't name it either lol), then let you know.
Also we decided on Napa in June because the temps are normal. I forgot to mention that. The temps are normal...they are usually normal....they aren't normal, it was over 90 the entire time, hitting triple digits each day except the last. So there was some sweat. But everywhere we booked was outside. So this is the only vacation I've ever lost weight because as I was eating, it was instantly sweating out of my body.
Also I love the West Coast for two reasons, sports are on way earlier. And when I visit 8 PM is 10 PM and I have no issues going to bed.
THURSDAY
WINE TRAIN DAAAAAAAY. One of the most fun things I've ever done. So this is a train that you get on, drink some wine, eat some food in courses, then in between go to wineries and drink more wine. Napa is one adult drunk fest and I'm here for that.
A few things from this day, I'll make it seem shorter by writing it this way:
- it's known I love chatting up people, especially on vacation. Our table bonded with 3 ladies from the Dominican Republic, initially by singing the classic "C'Mon and Ride It (The Train)" by the Quad City DJ's. then getting IN to the friend zone with all of them through our love of Keith Sweat "Nobody". They later on bought me a whiskey and I think a birthday dollop of gelato.
- the train broke down I think 3-4 times, at the time it sucked, until I realized it got us more time on the train and we got to know some of our fellow passengers. Our two tables in the back got the train going so much that we all ended up getting a dance party started in the outside portion. Still got it.
- I had some favorites on the train. One was a guy who came with his grandma, he was super shy, then at the end busted out some dance moves with the loudest lady from the D.R. to the amazement of everyone, except his grandma (that bitch new he had game). I was also convinced Mark Sanchez was on our train, and he was the biggest wet blanket until the end, and I'm convinced it's because he was racist until he got drunk. Also the guy whose girlfriend I kept calling Katy Perry was fun, hint...she didn't remotely look like Katy Perry.
- the history of Napa is incredible, each place having a different story is just so cool to me. I'm not going to recap any of it, because this is long enough, but I highly suggest going and just visit any winery, chat them up, and get some great stories from them.
FRIDAY
Winery day. We did three this day. Here's a good observation made by someone that might have been me: "It's not buzzed driving if you're a parent, the cops know". I was only half kidding ;)
*edit cuz I'm not deleting any of the above, my wife said it was two wineries this day, we had a massage that morning. I f'ing love massages, this one was one of those that really hurt but got rid of whatever has been living in my back for the past year. It was incredible. When it ended, I definitely was not happy.
*edit cuz I'm not deleting that last joke...that joke never works and I only think it's funny, so it stays.
The first winery was fine, we just noticed that women love to raise their leg and move their hip in every picture, so I had to contribute with David.
The second winery really changed my perspective on wine and really made me think about life. I'm completely serious. I don't remember the name of the place, but you drove up a hill for what seemed like a half hour, but then you got this view.
- I found out what a sommelier was on this trip. That's a job. Drink wine and talk about it. Doing taste tests like it's the Pepsi challenge, but for wine. They make bank and get to have mustaches, what a life!
- Wine being a moment in life makes sense, I'm not some wine snob because I can't name a single one besides Relax. But trying different wines from different years, but the same kind of wine...and they taste different was pretty cool. Or hearing how it's farmed. And how if you farm differently can help prevent global warming. Just a lot of cool things to digest.
- also it was really hot.
SATURDAY
I'm not going to recap everything on this vacation. Three wineries on this day. The first one gave us like 8 glasses and we didn't pay (thanks Izzy!). The second one had a girls bachelorette party...so more pictures with legs raised (I'm used to those at a bachelor party...WAYO!!!).
Also I love these vacays with friends. I can't talk enough about how awesome the Coley's were on this trip. Just adventures during the day. By night some wine while watching a basketball classic between the Bucks and the Nets. Then sleep. Hell yeah, let's do another. Next time let's add a third couple for two more adventurers!
SUNDAY
Sort of the last day of the vacation. These days are weird cuz you're in this dead zone of what to do. You pack if you're a planner like all four of us are. So then you try to do things to kill time because if you read above, we're all exhausted by this point. We had one more visit to this dessert place in this town, then to buy $200 fried chicken for lunch.
Somehow on this trip we haven't filled up the gas tank once, which was nice, so we put in $8 and went to the coolest town in the country, Sausalito!
* I copied and pasted that from 2015 when we went, I thought that then, Sausalito is still really cool, but man I was either exhausted or tired of spending money by this point. Plus, get this, Sausalito is right outside of San Fran...NO 9ERS SWAG!
The only advice I would give, we didn't get dinner because all of us were so full and tired of food and wine, I had a cheeseburger a half hour before I went to sleep that night. That was a bottom 5 moment all time for me. It's this list, in no order:
1. Eating a cheeseburger 30 minutes before bed as a man in his late 30's (birthday next week!).
2. Dying my hair blonde once.
3. Dating one girl in college who thought it was cool to say teh (pronounced TAY) instead of the word the (pronounced exactly how it's spelled).
4. Working for USD in 2016.
5. Trying to finish a gallon of milk in under an hour...twice.
MONDAY
Flight day! The best/worst day. You're tired. You want to get home. You're smelly (admit it). You're sick of spending money. And we REALLY missed our kids.
I also saved this part for last because it was a fun trip, so the last thing I want to do is complain about a cool trip we got to take during a pandemic, but dear lord do people suck. Either I'm getting older now and just cranky, or people are 10x worse since all this pandemic/political crap. Things that annoyed me on this trip, mostly at the airport:
- the people who were wearing "fake" masks. Just F off. I had to wear my mask for 14 straight hours. I did it because it's what we were told to do, it's the right thing to do at the airport (even if vaxed), and the fact you went through all that work to wear a mask all day, but the wrong kind on purpose shows you're more of an idiot than anything.
- selfish ass people. So we were trying to catch a quick layover and this guy at the front of the plane wasn't listening to the flight attendant to sit down so we could land. He was reorganizing his bags and his kids stuff, wearing headphones and not listening to anybody. So of course when it was time to get off the plane, who was the asshole taking as long as possible to get his stuff out and organize it while people were waiting behind him? That dick.
- if you're glass half full like me...which I'm barely hanging on to these days, you can take a lot out of the last year and the improvements that have/can be made off of the last year. Airports and airplanes need to change their shit. Bigger seats, cheaper prices, more options of how and where to fly. Actually following through with restrictions for fellow passengers and not being afraid of far left or far right Karen's (also we need a new term, I've met some super nice Karen's lately, one on our tram to get to our connecting flight!).
Other than airport related things it was a super great trip, with some great friends at a place everyone should attempt to visit at some point, but the best part....was seeing my kids. After the delay of course.
Oh delay's...aren't they lovely? They are out of your control, so you sit there like a clueless idiot, because you are. Watching a flight that you saw was already in the air being delayed for 5 minutes....then 15....then 32....then 45....at the most crucial part of your trip, wanting to see your kids. FINALLY boarding, and I shouldn't be complaining because it was legit an extra hour, but when you want to see your kids it's like days, I can see why Cameron Poe in Con Air just wanted to chill, he just wanted to get his kid that teddy bear!
But let me tell you, that part when you see your kids after a long vacation, there's nothing like it. Nothing.
That's the memory I'll take from this vacation, oddly it's of me coming home. My daughter being so excited she didn't know what to do. My son just squealing, there's a better word than squealing but I can't think of it, he was just so happy that we were home. Snuggling on the couch with them and the love they have for us is truly better than any feeling I've ever had...and I've met Coolio.
Lastly my wife, the adventures we've been on, and will continue to go on...there's nothing like it. Here's our best photo from the trip.
Our next trip is to see the 9ers play the Bears in Chicago, quick little 48 hour trip in October...and I swear to god I know without a shadow of a doubt, that the damn Chicago airport will have 100x the amount of Bears swag than the San Fran airport did for the 9ers.
Thanks for reading! I hear I was interviewed by PBS about why my family left South Dakota...I'll give you three guesses what my next blog is about. If I even write it (I don't know who reads this, it just tells me a number, but there's a certain few I'd love to bitch out for not just asking me and bitching to others like a child, I'm really not that interesting to still be talked about one year after we moved), reactions I've heard have been "yeah, duh" to the other end where either people are mad I dissed the state or didn't know...and still don't...what the reasons were...and it wasn't all job related, that was probably dead last. Thanks for reading, see you next week.
Til next time.
Jeff
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