Space Jam

 

It's been since December of 2023 since I've written a blog, what's happened in the year and a half between in the world!?  Anything!?  I thought I would change it up a little, there's only so much blogging you can do about how you disagree with how stupid people are, so I'm going to watch movies and review them, writing down what I think as it happens.  Today, we're doing the 1996 classic, Space Jam.  

We're starting off hot!  With the "unproblematic" R. Kelly playing in the background right off the bat while the also... "unproblematic" James Jordan is rebounding shots for his son, young Michael Jordan.  I'm legit currently reading "Michael Jordan: The Life", I chose an awful time to see anything that has to do with his dad.  

My daughter asked me why are the opening credits just Michael Jordan highlights...honestly, I could watch just Michael Jordan highlights for an hour and twenty minutes.  That'd be no issue for me.  That's already one hour and ten minutes longer than LeBron's longest highlight reel (warning: I like LeBron, he has the best CAREER of any NBA player ever...but there will be many LeBron jokes in this). 

Bugs Bunny gets top billing in this movie which has always been hilarious to me.  Did his agent want equal billing with Michael or what?  Did David Falk (MJ's agent) just let this slide!?  

The Space Jam song by the Quad City DJ's is a legitimate bop and it's better than their only hit, The Train...I said it.  The Space Jam soundtrack is a legit 5/5 perfect soundtrack, it has it all!  A collection of rapper's rapping about Hitting Them High, then Hitting Them Low.  It has Seal covering Steve Miller.  It has a Basketball Jones cover where Chris Rock, Chris Rock's it.  It has a song Believing You Can Fly by a cult leader AND it has a song called Buggin' written by Jay-Z but rapped by Bugs Bunny.  Google that last sentence...I'll wait.  

Okay you're back!  Yeah, Jay-Z wrote a Bugs Bunny rap.  Welcome to 1996!

We're now to the Shawn Bradley think piece of this movie and I'm 4 minutes in.  Why was he in over Hakeem Olajuwon or David Robinson!?  You're building the best players and you just go for the tallest Mormon you can find?  Was there too much violence in this for David Robinson or what!?  More thoughts on the lineup later, I know this because I've seen this movie more than I'd care to admit. 

Also RIP Shawn Bradley.  

Four people wrote Space Jam.  Four.  And the director, Joe Pytka didn't direct a movie for 21 more years.  WTF.  Quick thought, that director did magic here. He got a dude who can't act to carry a movie with cartoons characters and Newman.  But seriously, FOUR WRITERS!?

I also want to know the timeline this movie was written.  MJ retired in the summer of 1993, he went and played baseball in 1994...came back to the NBA spring of 1995 and this movie came out in 1996.  So if you believe that he was legit secretly suspended for gambling, did Warner Brothers and the NBA in the meantime go in to cahoots and have the screenplay mirror what was going to happen in real life to create the highest grossing basketball movie of all time?!  Go ahead...look it up, I'll wait. 

LeBron could never.

Speaking of NBA conspiracies Patrick Ewing is in this, they froze that envelope so he'd be the number 1 pick for the Knicks, so who is to say that they didn't force MJ to "retire" then come back and make the best movie of all time since The Godfather 2.  

Back to the commercial...sorry, "movie"!  It starts with MJ playing baseball, let's discuss this for a second.  The dude played an entirely different sport until his 30's, went and played baseball, AA baseball at that and still hit over .200?!  LeBron could never.  Hitting a ball any athlete will say is the hardest thing in the world and this dude went to AA against future pros and minor league veterans and still hit over .200 which most major leaguers can't do now!?!?  MJ is the goat.  LeBron could never. 

Also, he left baseball then months later dropped over 50 at MSG against the Knicks so...yeah.  Goat.

Muggsy Bogues being in this is fun, but they took the shortest and the tallest (Bradley) players in this just for the movie.  If we're being realistic about this you're taking John Stockton or Gary Payton at this point to play...point.  I'd even argue Nick Van Exel.  Again, more thoughts later.  

Also Muggsy I think is in this only because MJ was so harsh in calling him a midget it legit ruined his career, so now he gets royalties from being in Space Jam.  That's my third conspiracy theory and we're like 20 minutes in. 

A player lost all his confidence just because MJ made fun of him, let that soak in....LeBron could never.

So MJ's home in this is an unguarded family home in the only nice part of Birmingham, Alabama.  That is the least believable part of this movie...a movie that has aliens try to take over the world by playing Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes in basketball and Michael's house is just not up to snuff (also that there's a single nice place in Birmingham...that is also not believable).

Also no security!?  His only security is Newman from Seinfeld...did they expect nothing bad to happen!?!?

Off topic, which child of his grew up to be caught with cocaine, I hope it wasn't Jeff!

Off topic part 2, when I was 8 I saw a basketball card with Michael Jordan's name, his middle name is Jeffrey.  That is legit why I chose him as my favorite player ever.  That and the cool Nike commercials.  I didn't know he'd be the best or tied for the best basketball player of all time when I was 8.  This story nobody believes, yet they believe that Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes can beat aliens for control of the world. 

The voice of Homer Simpson and the wife of Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond being courtside in this is so random.  Was Marge Simpsons busy!?  Was Ray Barone working!?  Did these two actors randomly date!?  I got to Google this.  Just wait...

No they didn't...why is this happening?!  Couldn't they have gotten someone big at that time for a cameo?  Cindy Crawford?  Pamela Anderson?  Kato Kaelin!?

Danny Ainge has range, and I'm not just talking about his basketball shooting.  What an actor!  "COME ON MAN GET BACK ON D!!!!"

Vlade Divac and Cedric Ceballos were masking up in this movie to protect themselves from losing their health, health that was being stolen from the other NBA players...could we not have played this movie for anti-vaxxers/maskers to show why that is important?!  That might have changed a lot of minds.  Kleeman for president...if we ever get a new one ever again.

Back to the movie!  Bill Murray, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan golfing outing.  I hate golfing...legit I hate it.  But if I was to be asked to go along on that trip, I'm leaving immediately, as fast as it took MJ to get abducted by the Toons down that hole.

I looked up the almost cast in this, Chevy Chase and Michael J Fox turned down Newman's role and Gheorge Muresan who is famous for being tall and in a Snicker's commercials ALSO turned this down.  Wow.

Also, Golf Jam and Skate Jam were almost things and I have to question why they weren't!? Tiger Woods at his height in Golf Jam, MJ would've done that cameo over Space Jam 2 in a second.  Skate Jam!?  It'd be like Gleaming the Cube but with cartoons.  I'm all in on these, come on WB!!!

We all wanna bang Lola Bunny right!?  Why is this happening!?  What are these feelings and why did they make her like this!?  She has to be a hot bunny to be good at basketball!?  

Oh, if that offends you I have bad news for you, turn on the news.

Also the Space Jam website is still up, go check it out.  I'm doing a new thing with my blogs where I'm not putting in too much work, so just go to another browser and look for it.  I will no longer link things.

Okay, it's game time...before that though let's get in to the rotation for the Monstars.  Ewing, Barkley and Grandmama Larry Johnson are all fine choices.  Big front line, then you add in Bradley!?  Then Bogues is your point....not one of them has any outside shooting so they must've been expecting a bruising, low scoring game.  But this is 1996 so if I'm forming the perfect team at that time?  Let's go with Payton for point guard, Clyde Drexler for my shooting guard (could go Reggie Miller here too), small forward I neeeeeed some outside scoring so Glen Rice is there (but if it's Reggie we're putting in Scottie Pippen for defense and a future 1 on 1 for dating his wife) just for some buckets, not for Rice's defense, then we have Barkley and Ewing already so we're good there, you could argue having Karl Malone and Hakeem or Robinson...OR SHAQ but Shaq had to go make crap movies (except Blue Chips, that movie is the shit).  

Also on the billing, MJ and Bugs up top, but the true star of this is Daffy Duck.  Steals the show in every scene, has Danny Ainge range in sports and acting.  He's great.

Fun parenting hack I stole from this movie, the Bugs Bunny water legit works when my kids are playing sports.  It's all mental, they had the heart to win this game the whole time!

Bill Murray coming back for a last second assist wearing a St. Paul Saint's hat is an underrated hat choice.  He's a better number 2 than Scottie Pippen. I SAID IT!

Toon Squad wins!  Kisses everywhere, I love the rabbit ear implications that Bugs Bunny is erect, again, are we all supposed to F Lola Bunny!?

The end of the movie is maybe the most unrealistic part.  Michael Jordan would not have given the powers back, especially to Muggsy.  But he did come back to win 3 straight titles for the second time in a row...LeBron could never.  

After 1998 we will just pretend he that he never went back to sports and played for another team (the Wizards....sigh) randomly for 2 years, then buy another team and be completely god awful at running it (the Bobcats/Hornets) and he definitely never had a Hall of Fame speech that made me cringe so hard I had to stop watching and he definitely, definitely did not get a Hitler mustache at any point (brave choice, would be better suited now I guess for a Tesla ad)...we're just gonna pretend he rode off in to the sunset in 1998 and was just an ambassador for the game.  And maybe he made the Space Jam sequel that would've brought us in to the world of Space Golf and Space Skate....

I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYYY

That's it!  That's the first one of these and I actually enjoyed writing this so that's neat.  I think I'll do one of these again, if you actually read this, maybe comment what movie I do and I'll abide. Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

Burying the Past: Last Book Teaser

 

I have done it!  I finished my book.  I'm now editing to make sure it grammatically looks good.  I'm also adding things I may have missed, especially from the Rat Pack Party chapter.   Then all I have to do is do a Cast of Characters and we're good to go.  This took a year to finish, but I did it.  Below are a few entries from the book.  I hope it's enough to entice you to buy it because clearly my only motivation for finishing this is money and to sell it for millions of dollars.  

This entry is from the nicknames chapter, We have encountered a lot of very interesting people throughout the years, here's one that I still enjoy discussing:

Snowboard Guitar Guy

Telling this story as an adult is always fun.  It’s one of my go to’s for the absurdity of it.  We were having a party when I was alerted there was an older man outside on my deck drinking.  So I went outside to see what the hubbub was about.  

It was a man who was homeless talking with people outside who were smoking.  I had nothing against that.  So I started to talk to him, I found out from him that his one source of income was by nude modeling at the art school.  He had wanted to patent an invention where you could have a snowboard that also played guitar.  As you got down to the bottom of the hill, when you were done snowboarding you could immediately shred on your guitar and play some tunes.  

Smash wanted him to come inside my home and hangout, but I was very hesitant, so I didn’t let him in the house.  She was furious at me.  So he stayed outside the rest of the night, talking with whomever and we never saw him again.  I often wonder if he got to live his dream or what happened to him?  

The Mermaid

She was brought up earlier in the book.  She had joined us for an H-Worth Open event and left the next day before our 6th Rat Pack Party.  I had found out she had an ex-husband she didn’t tell me about from Stein.  

There was always something weird with her, she was very nice, but there was a weird rule.  She was reading an advice book from Steve Harvey of all people.  In the book, he said couples who start dating shouldn’t have sex for 60 days.  That way the relationship wouldn’t have any complications from having sex.  So I got cock blocked by Steve Harvey.  We also had a double date, playing Family Feud of all things, with Julia and her boyfriend Drummer.  I went to get a beer with Julia and she swears Mermaid was hitting on Drummer, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO!  

A few weeks later we went to a place in Chamberlain, SD to go camping.  After I saw either a ghost or a dead body (Google it, there’s reportedly a ghost in that river and I’m convinced it was one of those two), we had a conversation about relationships.  Her parents and family had come to join us, they were quite nice actually.  So I told her I liked her family, she told me it was moving too fast.  She wanted to take a break, which was a perfect thing to say before going to bed in a tent and possibly seeing a dead body or a ghost.  

I woke up that morning and went home.  We didn’t talk for a week as she went on a vacation with her family.  When she got back she called me, which was weird because we lived in the same apartment, she was literally right under my floor.  But she called at the worst possible time.  LeBron James was going to say where he was going to play basketball.  Was he to stay in Cleveland?  Was he going to Miami?  Did Jeff see a ghost or a dead body?!  Nobody knew!  

So while she told me we were done on the phone I asked her if she could pause for a second, as Dark Honey was in the other room screaming, LeBron had chosen Miami.  Wow.  Incredible.  Oh, and I was single again.  She eventually wanted to get back together, but that was too much crazy for me.  

Also a subtle hint to her name, Simo would call her REO Speedwagon, which dammit I should’ve named her entry that!  

I was going to share a story about how a party of ours was started called Jock Jams, but I had too much controversy this week with Facebook posts, so I"ll post about one of the jobs I had in my younger years.

Sioux Falls Skyforce

I love basketball, I suck at it, but I love it.  90’s basketball got me through a lot growing up.  I loved video game basketball, NBA Jam, Michael Jordan and the Bulls, nobody I know can beat me at NBA Live ’95 or ’96, fact.  

So when I graduated and an internship with the Sioux Falls Skyforce came up I jumped at the opportunity.  They are a minor league affiliate, at the time for the Minnesota Timberwolves, for the NBA and one of the most successful franchises in “minor league” basketball.  

My job was to do promotions and be one of those people you see go out during timeouts or breaks in the action and shoot t-shirts into the crowd or throw balls.  It honestly was a fun gig; it was just really time consuming at nights and holidays and you didn’t get paid anything.

My thinking was, I would work there and maybe end up finding a job with an NBA team.  My cousin had worked with the Sioux Falls Stampede, then with the Magic and I thought that sounded fun.  Maybe I’ll get into promotions with an NBA squad?  

No, not meant to be and not an easy career to get into.  I did get some perks like free tickets and food which was nice.  Ironically the girl I was going to live with in Sioux Falls was a cheerleader for the Skyforce, she was the only nice cheerleader.  In fact, besides the front office, even the players were jerks.  I bumped into one very tall player at a bar and went up to him, introduced myself and said, “hey I guess we’re kind of coworkers huh!?”.  He looked at me with no facial expression, “Fuck no!”.  And walked away.  

One of my last nights is one of the most embarrassing stories of my life.  I became the main partner of the mascot; I think his name was Thunder.  I would assist him with whatever he needed cuz his hands were mascot paws.  The most rewarding part of the job was helping special needs kids and getting them prizes every game.  It truly was awesome, and I loved it every time.  Except one night. 

It was Christmas so it was a packed house.  At the time I was dating McQ, and I had gotten her parents some free tickets to the game.  I was feeling super cool and went to go help Thunder deliver a ball to a special needs kid.  I got a little too amped up and instead of a bounce pass I did an overhead pass, but it slipped out of my hands.  I can still hear the “oooooooh” of the crowd as Thunder THANKFULLY caught the ball inches from this poor kid’s head.  He handed the kid the ball, he was thankfully oblivious.  I went and hid behind the hoop, embarrassed beyond belief.  

Ever had a mascot look at you in complete disbelief?  I have.  That was brutal.  I was done shortly after, by choice, nobody besides the mascot even knew what had happened.  But I felt so bad.  Thunder, if you’re reading this, I owe you one buddy. 

Rating: 3/5

Thanks for reading!  I hope this was enough to entice you to get the book when it's complete.  Have a great weekend. 

Jeff Kleeman

The Fab Four

People LOVE lists.  In my experience, especially with this blog, if you make a list, you get some hits.
I mean, look at Buzzfeed.  A website of 90% pure garbage, but you make a list of your favorite Kardashian nail polishes and boom!  Advertising.  And I want that money!  I'm having a kid, so I want them web hits, so let's do this!

The top four list will not be in any particular order.  There will already be some scandalous choices (especially with my women of Game of Thrones selections)!  Also if you're a common reader of this website, the less work I have to do on this, the better.  Let's begin with an easy one.

TOP FOUR WRESTLERS OF ALL TIME

1. Hulk Hogan
2. Stone Cold Steve Austin
3. The Rock
4. Ric Flair

See, that was easy right?  And there's no order, but it's these 4 easily.  Let's keep these lists going.

HOTTEST WOMEN ON GAME OF THRONES

1. Dany
2. Sansa
3. Missandei
4. Melisandre

Um trying to avoid spoilers, so let's just say, I'm going these four.  I have a weird thing for the witch, ask my wife.  And Missandei is the most underrated girl on the show.



NBA Mount Rushmore

1. Michael Jordan
2. Magic Johnson
3. Larry Bird
4. LeBron James

Oh no Bill Russell!?  I don't care.  He played versus less talent.  Jordan is the GOAT.  The other two because they ruled.  And LeBron because what he's done is incredible, and if he makes Space Jam 2, I'm putting him second.

Eminem Records

1. Marshall Mathers LP
2. The Eminem Show
3. Recovery
4. Slim Shady LP

Encore almost made this list, there's some good stuff on there.  Relapse was nice to have him back, but the less said the better, although 3 AM is on that.  While I'm on the topic of rap...

Best Rapper EVER

1. 2Pac
2. Jay-Z (pre-2009)
3. Biggie Smalls
4. Andre 3000

Nothing like this white boy from South Dakota picking the best rappers ever.  You mad Nas isn't on there?  Should be.  Eminem is awesome, clearly.  Kendrick Lamar?  One day.  Bubba Sparxxx,  Um...

Best Seattle Mariners

1. Ken Griffey, Jr.
2. Edgar Martinez
3. Jay Buhner
4. Harold Reynolds

Hey, they are no longer my favorite MLB team, but I can still make a random list about them, right!?
ARod will never make this because he's a jerk.  Randy Johnson is close, but let's not forget he forced a trade.  Jamie Moyer is close.  But look at Harold Reynolds.  JUST LOOK AT HIM!!!



Top Golfers 

1. Jack Nicklaus
2. Ben Hogan
3. Arnold Palmer
4. Tiger Woods

Woods you could've been #1!!!!  You and your porn stars.  And Arnold Palmer makes this strictly for being possibly the most awesome athlete of all time.

Top Four Fruits

1. Pineapple
2. Grapes (red)
3. Oranges
4. Apples (any color)

This list will get the most hate, I bet you!  You ever had grilled pineapple?  HAVE YOU!?

Adam Sandler Movies

1. Happy Gilmore
2. Billy Madison
3. Big Daddy
4. The Waterboy

Isn't it sad that nothing in the past 16 years has even come close?  THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!

Best Frozen Pizzas

1. DiGiorno
2. Party Pizza
3. Tombstone
4. California Pizza

Yeah I went California Pizza, take that Red Baron!  Party Pizza is still the bomb.  Don't believe me? Go to the grocery store, buy one, bring it here and I'll eat it and tell you as much.

Super Mario Games

1. Mario Kart
2. Super Smash Bros.
3. Super Mario World
4. Super Mario 3

Yes, Super Mario RPG is my favorite game.  But.  I just won't go and replay it like these 4.  In fact, if you want to get that Party Pizza and come over to play some Mario Kart, I'm cool.  I asked my mom if it's cool if we stay up past midnight, but you gotta go shortly after it.  Curfew.

Best Soda

1. Dr. Pepper
2. Coca Cola
3. Dad's Root Beer
4. Wild Cherry Pepsi

Am I kidding on one of the above!?  Maybe.  But it got you thinking about how awesome Dad's Root Beer is, didn't it?  Clearly 3 is Sprite.  Yum.  And caffeine free if that's a concern to you like it used to be for me.

Towns in South Dakota

1. Vermillion
2. Deadwood
3. Deadwood
4. Deadwood

I gotta put my hometown on here.  And Deadwood is the best place on the planet.  Clearly.  If you want to get nitpicky, add, um Canton at 3 and Sioux Falls at 4.  Brief aside, Sioux Falls used to be higher, but you jumped the shark at being compared to San Francisco...I've been to San Fran, and you Sioux Falls, are no San Fran.

Best SNL Cast Member

1. Will Ferrell
2. Bill Murray
3. Chris Farley
4. Fred Armisen

This was a tough list.  And I'm sure I'm going to get some guff on no women, but that's just how deep this show is/was.  My literal dream (I literally dreamed this, thanks for waking me up Brad) was to write skits for SNL and date Kristen Wiig (pre-meeting my wife, pre-Wiig kinda sucking).



And Kate McKinnon is funny as hell.  And no, I'm still not overly excited about the new Ghostbusters, and no not because it's all women, but because it looks like it sucks and Fall Out Boy remade the song.

Top 90's Things I Miss

1. Starter Jackets
2. Ecto Cooler
3. No Social Media
4. Fruit By the Foot

Top 49'ers 

1. Joe Montana
2. Jerry Rice
3. Ronnie Lott
4. Steve Young

I thought this list would be harder, but it really wasn't.

Best Chick Flick Movies From a Dude

1. Devil Wears Prada
2. Miss Congeniality
3. Bridesmaids
4. The Notebook...duh.

Gosling all the way!  Prada is one of the funniest memories I have of watching a movie (eating SpaghettiO's with my roommate Schempp and feeding them to a stray cat).

Top Ex-Girlfriend's of Derek Jeter

1. Scarlett Johansson
2. Jessica Alba
3. Minka Kelly
4. Adriana Lima



Congrats on getting married to a super model Jeter.  A starting shortstop on the Yankees who has won multiple World Series, got 3,000 hits and is almost internationally loved by the masses, even while playing on the evil Yankees, also gets a super model half your age...what does this guy get depressed about?  I bet his wi-fi never goes out and he's never stubbed his toe on anything.  Jerk.

Top Four Annoyances At This Moment

1. Trump
2. Anti-vaxxers
3. Facebook political/news conversations
4. Racists who pretend to not be racist

That's a good one to end on I think!

I could literally go on and on, hell, I almost did Top Four Kleeman Report Blogs, but there's just too many to list, amirght!?!?!

So thank you for reading.  Sorry I was a day late Dani Wooldrik, I assure you, it will happen again.

Jeff Kleeman

Random Things I Like

This is me, Jeff Kleeman.  So if you've been reading this blog for a while, either here or at the old site, you know that I like some "interesting" things.  If you don't know, well you are about to get quite the education on all things me.

Last night, I was involved in a group text, and the topic arose of random things I like, so it was decided I compile a list of 33 of my favorite things (since I'm 33 it makes sense). 

We'll keep it strictly related to random things, no actual people I know, if that's included, then the list gets tricky.  So let's get this party started!

1. Lists

2. "Sugar" by Trick Daddy (just a great song!)

3. Oreos (only dipped in milk, not the same without it)

4. Jim Harbaugh (best coach ever)



5. My lucha mask (if you haven't, do yourself a favor and watch Lucha Underground, thank me later!)


Come at me!

6. Dr. Pepper



7. The San Francisco 49'ers (god why do I like them!?)



8. Baseball transactions

9. My "Macho Man" Randy Savage figure

Oh yeah!

10. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man


My wedding party

11. Mix CD's



12. My collection of NES/SNES games



13. Spider-Man

14. Socks


My actual wedding



Scottie Pippen socks?  Duh.







I have a serious problem

15. Elephants



16. 1990's NBA basketball players



17. Super Mario Bros.



18. The Rat Pack


The old Rat Pack

The new Rat Pack

19.  Drinking challenges where you win a prize



20. Whiskey

Mmmm Whiskey

21. Deadwood, South Dakota



22. Halloween

Half Iron Man/half Black Widow?

23. D-Days (my alma mater, the University of South Dakota's Homecoming celebration)





24. Buffets

25. University of Michigan college sports

I HATE Ohio St.

26. Netflix binges

27. Dance-offs



28.  Breakfast burritos

29.  The Bob Ross channel on Twitch



30.  Actual books (none of that Kindle crap!)

31.  Quoting things



32.  Watching infomercials (they are just so oddly addicting for me)

33.  Finishing blogs (it's such a relief when it's done!)

Thanks for reading everyone!  Next week will have Part 2 of movies that should be remade and back to the Nintendo Challenge (for those new to this site, I play old Nintendo games...horribly, then review them). 

Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

Me and the lady

PS If you know me and think I forgot something, well go crazy, but keep it PG.  Clearly there are some things I didn't put on here, more so opposite sex related.  But, if it was me 20 years ago, the entire list would've only been pictures of Kathy Ireland, clearly.

Yowza!