Are You Tired!? Do I Have Some Tips For You!

 

Hey there fellow adult!  If you're reading this, it's more than likely you were born before the year 2000.  If you are reading this and you weren't, then get the fuck outta here, what are you doing?  

So I'm tired literally all the time.  Is that because I'm 40?  Because I have 2 kids?  Because I stay up late and wake up early!?  WHO KNOWS!?

What I do know is I looked up some helpful hints and tricks to never be tired again, thanks Google!  So I'm going to share them because clearly they work.  I'm going to post each one in order with my opinion after and if you have any ideas to not feel tired all the time, please let me know, because as soon as I'm not tired all the time I'll be old...older than I am now. 

Here's some tips!

Eat Often

This can't be accurate can it?  Eating will cause me to be less tired!?  Usually it makes me more tired.  Honestly, I just had dinner a few hours ago and I've been fighting sleep since.  Also what am I supposed to eat to not be tired?  I feel that was a misprint and it was supposed to say "Beat Often".  Take that joke as you will but that's gonna keep me up more than eating. 

Get Moving

Yeah clearly moving around is going to make you less tired, but when am I supposed to do that?  I work at a desk or in my car, so maybe I go park my car for a bit and do some laps around the park and get moving.  But it's summer, so then I'm going to get super sweaty.  So am I supposed to go back to work super sweaty?  Okay, sweatier than I do already because it's summer time and I have leather seats and I'm literally drenched in sweat by the time I leave my car after my 20 minute commute?

* public service announcement.  I have a sweat blanket for my car.  What's a sweat blanket you may ask?  It's a blanket I put between my back and my hot leather chair that makes it so I don't get as sweaty.  In other news until I get a car with air conditioned seats, my kids blankets are my savior on a hot summer day...and it's only JUNE!  

Lose Weight to Gain Energy

So I was going to discuss this above, but getting moving is working out.  I enjoy working out.  I legit enjoy running.  Can I find the time to do any of that?  Minus now at 9 PM at night when I should be exercising and not writing a blog about how I'm tired and should be exercising?

When am I supposed to work out by the way?  6 AM in the morning when I'm super tired?  At night when I just want to sit and watch a show or mess around on my phone?  The middle of the day when I have to return to work!?  I already have issues sweating in my car, I don't want to go to work sweating even more.  Also why is all this sweat leaving my body not a work out and helping me be less tired!?  I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

Sleep

Oh yeah, actually SLEEPING!  Sure.  Okay, I'm 40 so when is that happening?  

When I decide to stay up later because I don't want to just work all the time and so I stay up later to watch a show so I don't feel like I just work?  Or is it in the morning when I randomly wake up an hour before my alarm because I have to pee all the time now?  Then I fall asleep and my wife's alarm goes off a half an hour before mine so then I lay there debating whether to go back to sleep or just look at my phone and then I fall asleep only for my alarm to wake me up literally minutes later?!  Or is it when I try to sleep in on the weekends and my kids, who are amazing btw, want me to come hang out with them?  Is it when I try to take a nap but I view naps as something that are amazing but also a waste of my time?  Do I like run on sentences!?

My buddy always said about being an adult with kids he will sleep when he dies, but holy shit man that's pretty fucking bleak isn't it?  Just go sleep man.  

*Ever read those articles where super successful people sleep only 3-4 hours a night?  Fuck those people, amiright!?

Reduce Stress

Did you not read the previous paragraph?  Just on trying to sleep I'm stressed.  What are we going to add now to my stress I can't reduce?  Let's see...

Inflation.  Rising costs.  Climate change.  Scary political climate.  Kids.  Their safety.  Money.  Saving for the future.  Trying to find time to sleep, work, workout, be a parent, a spouse, get alone time, finish a show or complete that video game I've tried to play since 2016.  

Also I'm so old that my shoulder randomly tore and it hurts to scratch my neck now.  To steal a great Seinfeld quote, but putting my name in instead...JEFF'S GETTING STRESSED OUT!

Therapy

I'm not dogging on therapy because therapy is a great and healthy thing, it's why I write, because it's therapeutic.  So I'm moving on to the next topic, but not before I say if I was to see a therapist that I would be more tired because they have quiet soothing voices...unless it's therapy like Gallagher, remember that guy!? 

Get me a sledgehammer and a watermelon please, that'll keep me awake!  Also there's two Gallagher's, they are brothers that are feuding...so now I gotta Google and see what's going on with them.

Cut Out Caffeine

How am I supposed to stay awake!?  NATURALLY!?  True story I didn't like coffee before I met my wife.  I never saw the point in it, it tastes like shit.  10 years later I mean, it's not that bad and I need it to live.  

Soda I always saw the point in.  I love it.  Dr. Pepper, Coke, Cherry Coke, all of it.  Give it to me...minus Pepsi Zero, gross.  So am I going to dabble and have one of those a day?  Yes.  Are you trying to tell me I'm supposed to cut that stuff out?  Did you hear of that old ass lady who drank a Dr. Pepper everyday?  She's still alive...I think.  You trying to tell me she didn't do something right?  How much do you think she slept!?

Drink Less Alcohol

Nope!  Next!

More Water

I do enjoy a good water.  It's the best drink ever...after whiskey...and Dr. Pepper...and sometimes milk but only if you had something chocolate...it's so good...or when you have a slice of pizza and drink some milk, I used to love that.  Now, I'm no longer a milk guy but I'm getting off topic.  Sleep?  Yes.

So there you have it!  All helpful tips that will be sure to make you feel super relaxed and ready to have a great day.  You can thank me later!

Thanks for reading:

Jeff

Oh did you know I wrote a book!?  I'd like to sell more and all of it goes to my kids college fund and if we sell more, like oh a million more maybe it can be a movie and then I can...hold up...the next blog I cast Burying the Past.  Then it essentially will be a cinch for those Hollywood types to get the movie going.  

LET'S GOOOOO!  PS buy the book, link below.  

Burying the Past

Burying the Past Preview: The Many Jobs of Jeff Kleeman

 

I have had...a few jobs in my life, specifically during my younger years.  Approximately 28.  I'm not even kidding.  In the book, Burying the Past, coming to you hopefully Fall of '22 (3 chapters left!) ...the job chapter is easily the longest and possibly the funniest.  

I thought I'd take 3 examples from the book to get my Blogger page some attention, tease another entry from the book AND get my writer's block outta commission so I can finish the book AND write about the past few months which have been CRAZY in my next blog.  Here's the last preview of Burying the Past that is somehow almost complete.  

* Quick note!  If you are reading this and have any suggestions for the book I may have missed, feel free to send them my way!  After I finish the final chapters, I'll hit the fun proof-reading stage!

Picture from best job ever @ the Char

USD Foundation

I somehow worked here THREE separate times!  This was fundraising for my school, but here’s the catch, I never was a student during any of my stints there.  Isn’t that crazy!?  The first time I had finished my freshman year and needed a job, I was taking the next fall off just to clear my mind.  That sounds like I did something important, but I basically figured out I needed to go back to college at USD and worked odd jobs…and drank, a lot.

The second time was the summer of 2005 where me, Dozen, Bear and Muzzle worked there and somehow afforded an entire summer off of that salary.  I’m not entirely sure how we survived working 4 hours a day at that time, but we did it and we drank…a lot. 

The third time I was taking online classes with another university, but I needed money and here we were.  I actually won homecoming king of the office with a girl named Katrina winning queen who was really cool, we all had a crush on her, but she had a fiancé who lived in New Orleans, so we all called her Hurricane…yeah, I know this isn’t funny and it has aged horribly. 

One regret from this job, I ended up calling a woman who told me her son worked for SNL and that I should contact him to try for an internship.  Clearly writing for SNL or the Simpson’s was a dream job of mine.  I wrote down his number and…. never called it.  I don’t know why to this day.  I ended up losing the number along the way, so if you know a USD graduate whose son works for SNL, I’m still interested in the internship if I can bring my wife and kids. 

Year later, before I met my wife, I had a dream I was dating Kristen Wiig and writing for SNL from meeting this guy.  It was the best dream I had in my life at that time, only to be woken up by Simo to go see our family.  I have a weird belief that dreams could be an alternate reality so maybe I called in some other life…

My time at the Foundation ended as I just stopped showing up, thinking my job was saved, it was not. 

Rating: 4/5 Job; 0/5 For never calling that number.

 

Basketball Referee

This is the weirdest entry on the list.  The fall of 2001 I had taken a break from school.  I needed some money, so I applied with the parks and rec department at USD to do odd jobs.  One of which was a basketball referee.  I love basketball, being a ref will be a breeze, right!? 

To add even more fun into this, my buddy Tick needed a job too, so I recommended him, and we were assigned to ref the only game that him or I will ever referee ever again.  It was two fraternities up against each other, I had no idea they took it incredibly seriously.  I was still in shy mode at this time, so I remember calling maybe one foul.  Tick didn’t call any.  We got yelled at the entire game, it could not have ended fast enough.  We literally had no clue what we were doing and I was surprised we even got these jobs. 

This guy I went to high school with, since then he’s become better, but I fucking hated him at that point, went off on me and Tick.  The next day we were changed to strictly scoreboard duty, the both of us.  We could not even do that correctly.  Reffing was not in the cards for us.

We were not asked to come back after scoreboard duty ever again. 

Rating: 2/5

Wedding DJ

Brief, but I did help Dark Honey get a job at this place and at least he did great!  I DJ’d two weddings.  The first wedding the people didn’t even dance and it was super hick, so I had to listen to country music for literally 3 hours and ruin my Saturday night by not getting tipped and not going out with my friends.

The second wedding was ALSO super hick, but the music was pro wrestling themed as he proposed at Wrestlemania, awesome right!?  During the garter ceremony they actually crotch chopped each other and screamed “Suck it!” which was made famous by pro wrestling stable Degeneration-X.  It’s hard to describe, it’s best to go YouTube this.  But it was another failure of a wedding, no tips and it completely took over a Saturday night.  Besides the crotch chops, I am thankful I got the idea for personal introductions for each member of our wedding party from this reception. 

One last wedding I DJ’d was for the sister of an actress.  This wasn’t for that company I’d previously worked for; Stone was asked to DJ the wedding, so he got me and Beast to help him out.  It was nice because another sister of the actress was my former roommate, and I hadn’t seen her forever and we got to talk briefly which was awesome!  It was nice to catch up to her, it wasn’t nice to look like a child because I had to wear a polo shirt for Stone’s DJ’ing company.  The only catch was it was an XXL, I’m a medium, I looked like a child.  Easily, the best part of the wedding was the actress yelling at us to “FUCKING PLAY VANILLA ICE NOW!” and then she stormed off with a very bewildered Beast going, “I guess we better play Ice, Ice Baby!?”.  Then we got paid in nothing but Taco John’s tacos for our work.

Rating: 3/5  Taco John’s Rating: Always 5/5

I think three examples is the right amount and these don't even scratch the surface of that chapter.  Thanks for reading!  

Jeff Kleeman

I'm Back

 

Hi!  I'm Jeff, remember me?  I used to write a blog called The Kleeman Report (then just Kleeman Report...I may have let my domain name lapse, long story, but I bought it back so...we're good!).  I love writing.  I love thinking of funny crap to talk about.  But the past few years...

I have done 3 blogs since 2019.  3.  Blogs.  That's insane right?  I love writing, so what happened exactly?  Kids, I'll blame the kids.  It's strictly the kids fault.  It's not that the past 2 years have been absolutely bonkers.  Covid.  Political stuff (don't worry this blog isn't political).  Moving to a new city/state/zip.  Writers block was a definite issue.  Binge watching TV shows and watching movies to unwind (we have 8 streaming services, we're in a golden age of television).  Hanging with my spouse during "the kids are sleeping" times.  Reading an actual book (I'm reading East of Eden right now, it's insanely good, so far I give it 9/10 Jeff's).  Dealing with a pseudo mid-life crisis (isn't everybody these days?).   

Okay so it was all of the above MINUS the kids...although using kids as an excuse to get out of doing things are one of the biggest perks of having them.  I just haven't had the drive to write these blogs the past two years.  Even writing a Facebook post that might be controversial or opinionated gets texts sent my way wanting to argue or say I'm wrong.  I legit went through Facebook and deleted half of my friend list.  I'll explain more on that in a later blog, but I just haven't had the drive to write.  

But then last week I thought of something funny concerning parenting and I really wanted to write about it.  Then I thought of more funny stuff.  And I was like, "Crap, I have enough for a blog!".  Then a week later I finally found time to write about it while my kids are sleeping.  You can't rush brilliance!  So I'm back.  The Kleeman Report is back.  I'm going to have some fun again.  

I now give you...the original title I was going to name this blog...it's what my album name would be as a parent:

My Car Smells Like Puke ft Poop

*anytime I post a blog about parenthood to be funny, there's always someone who always thinks I'm serious.  Just come here to laugh folks.

So my car smells like puke (not poop so much...at the moment).  The funny thing is I actually don't mind.  Is that weird?  So after I drop my kids off to daycare, I miss them right?  And I open up my car door and just the best damn puke smell money can buy.  But seriously, the craziest thing about parenthood is my ability to not be grossed out by anything.  Poop.  Puke.  Boogers.  I have developed super powers and cannot be stopped.

Speaking of super powers, children's television sure is something right?  So the shows aren't as bad as people think.  Plus if you don't plop them in front of a TV constantly (oh I'm judging lazy parents, damn right I am) they actually kinda just chill and get quiet.  So crank that Baby Shark.  Get Fancy with Nancy.  Get me that Coco Melon...super power number two, I have memorized every single theme song from these shows.  They will never leave me.  Vampirina?  I got that down.  Team Oomizoomi?  Sure.  I collect classic vinyl's, let's get a "best of" children's themes right now.  

So one super power I don't have.  Patience with laundry.  Does laundry ever end?  I would hate to have it calculated how much I've done laundry in the past 4 years, but I'm going to expect it's been 5 months minimum.  I should just hire someone to do my laundry, but that's not a thing is it?  I'm an adult!

But seriously what is a Coco Melon?  Or a Pinkfong?  Why didn't my friends and I come up with something like this years ago?  I can combine two things that don't make sense, here's a couple names, someone can steal them I don't care:

- PillowFart

- RandomWhy

- WestBanana

- Doobie Smacker

- Social Downfall

Also I never thought I'd say this because I love music so much.  But when my kids are at daycare and I'm randomly home, or they are asleep...oh my god the best noise is pure quiet.  I would rather hear absolutely nothing, no noise, then the new Glass Animals album right now...and I freaking love Glass Animals.  And so do my kids actually.  Winning.

Kids who are having tantrums are essentially the same as your buddy who is black out drunk.  

"Come on bud, just go take a nap...sleep it off and you'll be fine."

"I know you're hungry, but you don't need anymore pizza.  Maybe have some water?"

"No, you can't put on a tutu over another tutu while wearing a tutu on your head...and where did you get so many tutus?!"

Also I think the funniest thing about being a parent is dinner time.  Kids at dinner time are like me looking for a snack late at night.  I'm really hungry but nothing sounds good.  

Speaking of hungry, I'm about to go figure that out, so thank you for reading!  This felt nice.  This was a good test run for my soon to be award winning blog about social media and why it sucked the life out of me the past few years.  It will be more unfiltered like the old blogs, so that'll be really good AND really bad.

Maybe I'll do some of those fun music blogs after that, I think I need to do a Best/Biggest/Favorite with Ras and cover either Kriss Kross or Van Halen's best song...but the only answer for both is Jump.  

Thanks everybody!

Jeff

So Now What?

Ladies and gentleman...I did it.  I #foundbrokaw:



For those of you who have read this site since 2015 (thanks by the way!), my friends and I came up with an awesome concept called #findbrokaw.  The concept was I would put up 3 random pictures of Tom Brokaw around the campus of the University of South Dakota to promote my website/blog.  If you found the flyer, you got a prize (a shot...I'm not rich!).

The reason we chose Tom Brokaw is because he is the most famous alumni from the University of South Dakota, located in lovely Vermillion, SD!

***Editors note, it's not just Tom Brokaw who went here, but other luminaries such as:

Al Neuharth
Joe Foss
Derek Miles
Pat O' Brien
Bill Janklow

...okay, maybe not all winners.  But Brokaw is!  He shared my same college  (I was mass communication, him political science), shared my same passion (aimlessly going through college and somehow graduating), and then he got in to the career that he always pursued (alright, that we don't have in common...um, moving along!)!

Every year there is a homecoming gathering at my alma mater that we affectionately call Dakota Days, D Days for short.  So the thinking with the #findbrokaw idea (besides promoting my site) was to ultimately try to find the man himself, get a picture with him, and write about it on this blog.  Unfortunately, certain circumstances limited him to appearing here, so we just kind of used it as a fun hashtag, announcing the arrival, or a persons arrival, of Dakota Days.  He was never coming...



A few months ago, I got word from someone in the know that Tom Brokaw would be making a return to Vermillion aka the University of South Dakota.  Excited I told EVERYONE.  He'll be back at D Days! We will get a beer with him, FINALLY!!!  Yeah BROKAW!!!




But that wasn't in the cards.  Not D Days anyway, he was coming the NEXT week, hosting a public forum concerning Russia and United States relations.  I was down.  I saw a great forum, I got to see someone who thinks somewhat like me (I'm moderate, both political sides have a lot of improvement to make.  Two (of many) main things in my opinion, being influenced less by money and maybe seeing the point of view opposite of theirs...I would write a blog on that, but I already got enough angry texts about my Facebook post about kneeling, see previous blog).

The only negatives were the audience questions of course (go figure people like to hear themselves talk about their opinion on things, just go write a blog...like me!) and it was far too short.  But I met him!  I did it!!!  I #foundbrokaw

And then I felt empty...immediately.  Guys and girls...I found Brokaw!  I met him!  Years in the making, done in 3 seconds.  What do I do now?  I messaged my mentor, brought up some other "big" USD names to find.  It was a no from her, they aren't as interesting, I agreed.  Then the idea came to Jeff Kleeman...literally...Jeff Kleeman.



No no no!!!  Not me!!!  Well...kinda not me!  I'm talking about Hollywood producer Jeff Kleeman.



Jeff Kleeman is a Hollywood producer/really nice guy.  The reason I know both facts?  I have the same name as him...clearly.  Also, I have received emails from prospective actors and hopeful producers and writers for years.  It was kind of cool.  A guy from South Dakota getting emails related to big old Hollywood!?  Amazing.  So amazing in fact, I let him know about it, and he was nice enough to write me back.

Then I thought about my own career, been thinking a lot about it lately actually (oh crap, I'm opening up my real thoughts!).  I'm really not sure what to think of it actually.  I went to school to be an anchor/reporter on television (a reason I look up to Tom Brokaw), I didn't go that route due to a few reasons (money/location/horrible job interviews, looking at you KMEG).  Found some odd jobs.  Found a calling as a college advisor for years (seriously), only to have that end when I was employed by my alma mater of the University of South Dakota...of all places.  It took until this year to truly enjoy a job again (thanks John!) and then leave that job to be offered one in insurance (thanks again John!).

Writing and creativity have always been my strong suits, hence this blog.  But I'd love to get paid for it.  Will I?  Probably not, but I've had an idea for a series the last few years, and this is where the Jeff Kleeman idea comes in.  Now click the following song (and replace movie with show) and enjoy.

Here is my pitch, which I've sent to him before, but now I'll do it again in blog form.  Also this time I worked with a co-writer, my cousin Brad Simons (stand up comedian and part time comedy writer/cousin).  So here it is, here's the pitch!!!

The Beaten Path (working title)

Premise: A man in the mid-west who is working as a hack writer suddenly starts getting emails meant for a struggling Hollywood producer who just happens to have his same name.  On a bet from a friend, he starts replying to the emails.  Each decision he makes happens to be successful, setting up the Hollywood producer to unforeseen heights, the only problem is he has a rival who is wondering why he is having this success and sets out to find the reason why.  Boom.  The pitch.

The Cast:

So to give this pitch some life, I need to cast people you can see as the characters, to give this life.

Jeff Kleeman (midwest)

Seann William Scott, and a few reasons why.  This dude is talented and hasn't been in anything good (besides Goon) in years.  Also, I used to be called Stiffler in college, due to us having the same jaw structure (maybe?)... at least I hope that's the reason (I've never done any of the embarrassing things he did in the American Pie movies...I swear).

He's a guy you can root for and could do really well in the role...as me.



Jeff Kleeman (Hollywood)

For the role of producer I want someone not like the real life producer (he's nice!), I want someone who is both someone you can root for, but also someone who can play an ass who makes incredibly selfish decisions.  There is nobody more perfect for this than Jason Alexander.

This character is at the bottom of the barrel in Hollywood, then out of nowhere he starts to be successful and is struggling with why this is happening, but not telling anyone it's not him making these decisions.  He would be great.



Heather White (Hollywood producer foil of Jeff Kleeman/future love interest of midwest Jeff Kleeman)

Raechel Leigh Cook.  I want someone in their 30's who seemingly hasn't had plastic surgery.  Who is really pretty.  Also someone extremely talented who didn't get a shot after She's All That.  And she doesn't even have to wear glasses in this!

The character has to be kinda bitchy but with a redeeming quality, especially if she's the future love interest of one Jeff Kleeman.



Brad Simons (friend of Jeff/instigator of this all happening)

Jon Gabrus from Comedy Bang! Bang!  He is an up and coming comedian and would be amazing in this.  His character would be engaged, so a character arc for everyone involved!



Christy Abernathy (fiance of Brad)

Sasheer Zamata.  She was super underrated on Saturday Night Live and should be in something good post SNL.



Allyson Black (on-again/off-again girlfriend of midwest Jeff)

To round out the cast, my co-writer and I had one major disagreement.  Do we make the love interest the competing producer and have her be younger, then have Jeff's crappy girlfriend be some awful lady?  Or do we make the competing producer age appropriate, and have Jeff's crappy girlfriend be younger.

We went with the latter decision, and the best person for this, and my celeb crush (answer to my future blog for you loyal readers) is:



Milana Vayntrub.  You all know her from the AT&T commercials, but she's a legit funny person who was also in a few shows already (Silicon Valley, This Is Us).

Conclusion:

So what do I hope to get out of this!?  At best?  I get a "story by" credit for me, Jeff Kleeman!  I'll sit comfortably in South Dakota and leave the show to you professionals.  I'll just give you the story ideas and watch the money pile in.  Then I can use all my monies for my daughter and to finally go to Wrestlemania.

At middle best (is that a word?).  Someone steals this idea and it gets produced, and I know it was my idea, so in a way...kinda cool to have an idea stolen that's on TV.  It wouldn't be the first time I've come up with something cool that someone has used, and hopefully it won't be the last.

At worst?  I wrote a fun blog about my TV show idea, tag Jeff Kleeman on Facebook to get his attention, and get some hits out of the deal (well I just did that, so sort of a win).

But how do you pass on this amazing idea?  I don't think you can Jeff Kleeman...you're move!  I smell Emmy!



Goodbye #findbrokaw, you were great.  No hashtag needed on this new endeavor, I prefer pound signs anyway. 

Thanks for reading,

Jeff Kleeman - the mid-west one

PS Next weeks blog you may ask?  Oh man...you just wait.  Because I don't have an idea for one.  Feel free to text me with any (the hall pass one I'll literally have to pass on, forever.  Recent events, and future events, and it's in bad taste...so celeb crush is Milana Vayntrub who you can see above... the AT&T girl, take that Margot Robbie).

The Mind of a 49'ers Fan

Blogging on the opening game for my beloved San Francisco 49'ers, the best 32nd ranked NFL team ever!?  Yes, so jump in to my mind during a 49'ers game.  When they suck.

9:12  And now, the game nobody really wants to watch at the end of a long football weekend.  That's my team!  Go 9'ers!!!!

9:13  Love, Steve Young on commentary.  Hate, Chris Berman on commentary.  I can never fully win, also...Berman's ties.  Yikes.



I hate Berman because he seems like such a douche.  Then I read a few things that makes me know he's a douche.  His only saving grace is he's a 9ers fan.

9:14  It took two minutes to bring up the backup quarterback does not stand during the national anthem.  Here's my take, who cares?  I have a lot of military friends, I see the point of being upset with him...but...free country, they fought for his right to do it.  He's not hurting anybody.  And a lot of us definitely can't relate to how people of a different race feel...so there's that.

And trust me, before you say I love Kaepernick, everyone who knows me, knows how much I hate Kaepernick.  Really ever since this...



9:15  THE ANTHEM ISN'T EVEN BEING SUNG!!!!  Probably a Trump supporter or idiot complaining.



9:17  Fun fact, I won Lindsey Stirling tickets when I lived in Lincoln.  I won them so a mom could surprise her daughter because that was her favorite artist.  So that's cool.  Also she's kinda cute.



She's 29!?!

9:19  Again I don't hate Kaepernick for doing what he believes in, I hate Kaepernick for getting my hopes up that a new dynasty was upon the 49'ers and now they suck.  That's now two reasons I hate him.

9:20  This time last year I was at that stadium.  With their crap black jersey.  GET SOME GOLD ON IT!  Then it will make sense.



9:21 Goff being third string makes me think he's a white JaMarcus Russell.  Watch out for the sizzurp.  And the weight gain.

9:22  I feel the 9'ers defense will legit be decent.  The offense, yet to be seen.

9:23  Okay maybe I spoke too soon.

9:24  Case Keenum looks like Kurt Warner right now.  If Kurt Warner wasn't good.

9:26  Every time I clap, my dog thinks he can come up on the couch.  He is not allowed on the couch. Quick side story, his name, sometimes, is Frank Gore.  So imagine how confused he used to be.

9:28  Let the Blaine Gabbert era begin.

9:29  For old times sake "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HYDE!"



He is like a new Frank Gore.  Patient

9:30  If Torrey Smith wants to be the #1 wide receiver, he has to legit catch an easy pass.

9:31  I just got excited about a complete pass.  Tough times are upon us this year.

9:31 And punting...

9:32  That "On the Way Up" promo for ESPN Sunday Countdown...was the whitest thing I've ever seen.... and that was with Moss and Woodson being included.

9:34  I only fear Todd Gurley on this team, no one else.

9:35  Best logo in the NFL and jersey goes to my team, the 49'ers, I don't care.  I can see a Packers or Cowboys argument, but that would be invalid.  I'm unbiased as they come.

9:36  My team employs Jeremy Kerley, I am sadly happy about that.

9:38  Jerry Rice right now, would be the number 2 wide receiver on the 49ers.  Not even kidding.

9:40  Best offensive weapon is Gabbert running for his life up the middle.  Worst offensive weapon, missing Jeremy Kerley on a for sure TD.

9:41  Again, run to the middle.  First down.  This keeps up he's going to have the single game rushing record for a quarterback.

9:42  I'm kidding, but seriously, it's been every f'ing play that's gotten any yards.

9:42   Garrett Celek drop.  Go figure.

9:44  YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HYDE!!!!  Touchdown.

9:46  Phil Dawson, just a fan of that guy.



9:48  Jeff Fischer is the most average coach ever.  He is who that girl settles with, you know, the attractive girl, she's got a good job, but her dude cheated on her, so she gets a guy who won't leave her ever, but will never amount to anything...that's Jeff Fischer.  It used to be David Arquette.



9:50  It will never get worse than J.T. O' Sullivan.  That 49'ers era was so bad.

9:51  A completion!

9:54  Tan Hyde!

9:56  When did ESPN become super lame?  Was it when Dan Patrick left!?  When the NFL essentially got control of them?  When they fired Bill Simmons?

9:59  Worst 4th down attempt ever.

10:00  Momentum killer.

10:07  Thanks Todd Gurley!

10:08  Pick!!!!!!!!

10:11  A knee interception!

10:12  A text from my buddy Brett "Bowman just intercepted that with his D*#K"



10:13  Fourth down conversion!!!!

10:14  Every time Hyde falls to the ground I hold my breath

10:15 The line is looking good on both sides.  What is this?  2014?

10:16 Third down?  Welp, just run to the middle.

10:16  Shaun Draughn...TD!!!  Wait, Shaun Draughn TOUCHDOWN!?

10:20  The defense looks good.  I can't get over this.  Hope I didn't jinx them.

10:21  I jinxed them.

10:23  Jimmie Ward sighting!

10:27  Hyde ruining my fantasy hopes of winning my game.  And I'm fine with that!

10:29  Kerley is doing well?  Oh crap, was there a fumble?

10:30  Damn you Shaun Draughn!!!

10:34  Two minute warning, 14-0 San Fran.  I like it.

10:39  Berman tries to hide how much of a 9ers homer he is.  It makes me kind of bond with him, even though I hate him.  It's those ties....



10:43  A time out with over 20 seconds left in the half?  What is this!?  Madden!?

10:50  I dislike how the half has begun.  I fear this lead being given up.

10:55  Whew!  Punt.  The quote of the first half, where I thankfully took a break from blogging was Herm Edwards saying, "The Rams offense has set back NFL offenses 50 years".

11:04  So you can barely tap a quarterback and it's a huge penalty.  Touch a punt returner after he catches it, which is a penalty, and no call.  NFL refs are the worst.

11:13  I see why Hekker is the number one punter.

11:16  This game is going to be a big let's run the clock out starting in the 3rd quarter kinda game.

11:17  Third and 10...and now 4th and 10.  Great...

11:19  Home Sweet Home is just an amazing song.  Seriously.

11:21  I think the only offense that may be worse than San Francisco's... is Los Angeles.

11:22  You're fine St. Louis.  You lost nothing.  Keep quiet for a bit and you can get the Jags or someone else in a few years, right?  Steal another franchise.  Then get mad when they move again in 20 years.

11:22  No penalties!?  Tomsula is definitely not coaching this team.

11:23  I bet the punters are tired of punting - my wife.  She's right.

11:28  Another punt, a good return.  Scared team may self destruct.

11:38  This game is going too long and allergies are making me not loving life.  Powering to stay awake, may not last much longer.  Especially with punt city.

11:45  Touchdown, 21-0.  Wow.  What in the living hell.

11:49  Wow, totally almost fell asleep and heard a fan ran on the field.  Lame.  You want attention just sit down for the national anthem...

11:55  Well I think my team is gonna win.  You know what this means!?  31st best team in the league babaaaaay!



9:12  Awoke on my sick day to see 28-0 final score.  Solid.  Some thoughts.  Late night Monday Night Football games suck when you're past 30, especially when you don't feel good.  The 9ers defense looked great, which is good, BUT they played the Rams.  The offense put up 28, against a Rams defense that looked shockingly out of sync.  I still hate Baalke but maybe his moves may work out.  I REALLY hate York, but that's because of his privilege.  But Chip Kelly!?  Love him.  Might name my kid after him if he keeps this up.  And Navarro Bowman is the absolute best.

9:13  With that being said, the 49'ers look like they COULD win maybe 7 games...but I thought the same last year when they walloped the Vikings.  So we'll see by mid-season.  Hoping at least 7 wins, then moving back up the next few years.  Thanks for reading.
Jeff Kleeman

Blogging on the opening game for my beloved San Francisco 49'ers, the best 32nd ranked NFL team ever!?  Yes, so jump in to my mind during a 49'ers game.  When they suck.

9:12  And now, the game nobody really wants to watch at the end of a long football weekend.  That's my team!  Go 9'ers!!!!

9:13  Love, Steve Young on commentary.  Hate, Chris Berman on commentary.  I can never fully win, also...Berman's ties.  Yikes.



I hate Berman because he seems like such a douche.  Then I read a few things that makes me know he's a douche.  His only saving grace is he's a 9ers fan.

9:14  It took two minutes to bring up the backup quarterback does not stand during the national anthem.  Here's my take, who cares?  I have a lot of military friends, I see the point of being upset with him...but...free country, they fought for his right to do it.  He's not hurting anybody.  And a lot of us definitely can't relate to how people of a different race feel...so there's that.

And trust me, before you say I love Kaepernick, everyone who knows me, knows how much I hate Kaepernick.  Really ever since this...



9:15  THE ANTHEM ISN'T EVEN BEING SUNG!!!!  Probably a Trump supporter or idiot complaining.



9:17  Fun fact, I won Lindsey Stirling tickets when I lived in Lincoln.  I won them so a mom could surprise her daughter because that was her favorite artist.  So that's cool.  Also she's kinda cute.



She's 29!?!

9:19  Again I don't hate Kaepernick for doing what he believes in, I hate Kaepernick for getting my hopes up that a new dynasty was upon the 49'ers and now they suck.  That's now two reasons I hate him.

9:20  This time last year I was at that stadium.  With their crap black jersey.  GET SOME GOLD ON IT!  Then it will make sense.



9:21 Goff being third string makes me think he's a white JaMarcus Russell.  Watch out for the sizzurp.  And the weight gain.

9:22  I feel the 9'ers defense will legit be decent.  The offense, yet to be seen.

9:23  Okay maybe I spoke too soon.

9:24  Case Keenum looks like Kurt Warner right now.  If Kurt Warner wasn't good.

9:26  Every time I clap, my dog thinks he can come up on the couch.  He is not allowed on the couch. Quick side story, his name, sometimes, is Frank Gore.  So imagine how confused he used to be.

9:28  Let the Blaine Gabbert era begin.

9:29  For old times sake "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HYDE!"



He is like a new Frank Gore.  Patient

9:30  If Torrey Smith wants to be the #1 wide receiver, he has to legit catch an easy pass.

9:31  I just got excited about a complete pass.  Tough times are upon us this year.

9:31 And punting...

9:32  That "On the Way Up" promo for ESPN Sunday Countdown...was the whitest thing I've ever seen.... and that was with Moss and Woodson being included.

9:34  I only fear Todd Gurley on this team, no one else.

9:35  Best logo in the NFL and jersey goes to my team, the 49'ers, I don't care.  I can see a Packers or Cowboys argument, but that would be invalid.  I'm unbiased as they come.

9:36  My team employs Jeremy Kerley, I am sadly happy about that.

9:38  Jerry Rice right now, would be the number 2 wide receiver on the 49ers.  Not even kidding.

9:40  Best offensive weapon is Gabbert running for his life up the middle.  Worst offensive weapon, missing Jeremy Kerley on a for sure TD.

9:41  Again, run to the middle.  First down.  This keeps up he's going to have the single game rushing record for a quarterback.

9:42  I'm kidding, but seriously, it's been every f'ing play that's gotten any yards.

9:42   Garrett Celek drop.  Go figure.

9:44  YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HYDE!!!!  Touchdown.

9:46  Phil Dawson, just a fan of that guy.



9:48  Jeff Fischer is the most average coach ever.  He is who that girl settles with, you know, the attractive girl, she's got a good job, but her dude cheated on her, so she gets a guy who won't leave her ever, but will never amount to anything...that's Jeff Fischer.  It used to be David Arquette.



9:50  It will never get worse than J.T. O' Sullivan.  That 49'ers era was so bad.

9:51  A completion!

9:54  Tan Hyde!

9:56  When did ESPN become super lame?  Was it when Dan Patrick left!?  When the NFL essentially got control of them?  When they fired Bill Simmons?

9:59  Worst 4th down attempt ever.

10:00  Momentum killer.

10:07  Thanks Todd Gurley!

10:08  Pick!!!!!!!!

10:11  A knee interception!

10:12  A text from my buddy Brett "Bowman just intercepted that with his D*#K"



10:13  Fourth down conversion!!!!

10:14  Every time Hyde falls to the ground I hold my breath

10:15 The line is looking good on both sides.  What is this?  2014?

10:16 Third down?  Welp, just run to the middle.

10:16  Shaun Draughn...TD!!!  Wait, Shaun Draughn TOUCHDOWN!?

10:20  The defense looks good.  I can't get over this.  Hope I didn't jinx them.

10:21  I jinxed them.

10:23  Jimmie Ward sighting!

10:27  Hyde ruining my fantasy hopes of winning my game.  And I'm fine with that!

10:29  Kerley is doing well?  Oh crap, was there a fumble?

10:30  Damn you Shaun Draughn!!!

10:34  Two minute warning, 14-0 San Fran.  I like it.

10:39  Berman tries to hide how much of a 9ers homer he is.  It makes me kind of bond with him, even though I hate him.  It's those ties....



10:43  A time out with over 20 seconds left in the half?  What is this!?  Madden!?

10:50  I dislike how the half has begun.  I fear this lead being given up.

10:55  Whew!  Punt.  The quote of the first half, where I thankfully took a break from blogging was Herm Edwards saying, "The Rams offense has set back NFL offenses 50 years".

11:04  So you can barely tap a quarterback and it's a huge penalty.  Touch a punt returner after he catches it, which is a penalty, and no call.  NFL refs are the worst.

11:13  I see why Hekker is the number one punter.

11:16  This game is going to be a big let's run the clock out starting in the 3rd quarter kinda game.

11:17  Third and 10...and now 4th and 10.  Great...

11:19  Home Sweet Home is just an amazing song.  Seriously.

11:21  I think the only offense that may be worse than San Francisco's... is Los Angeles.

11:22  You're fine St. Louis.  You lost nothing.  Keep quiet for a bit and you can get the Jags or someone else in a few years, right?  Steal another franchise.  Then get mad when they move again in 20 years.

11:22  No penalties!?  Tomsula is definitely not coaching this team.

11:23  I bet the punters are tired of punting - my wife.  She's right.

11:28  Another punt, a good return.  Scared team may self destruct.

11:38  This game is going too long and allergies are making me not loving life.  Powering to stay awake, may not last much longer.  Especially with punt city.

11:45  Touchdown, 21-0.  Wow.  What in the living hell.

11:49  Wow, totally almost fell asleep and heard a fan ran on the field.  Lame.  You want attention just sit down for the national anthem...

11:55  Well I think my team is gonna win.  You know what this means!?  31st best team in the league babaaaaay!



9:12  Awoke on my sick day to see 28-0 final score.  Solid.  Some thoughts.  Late night Monday Night Football games suck when you're past 30, especially when you don't feel good.  The 9ers defense looked great, which is good, BUT they played the Rams.  The offense put up 28, against a Rams defense that looked shockingly out of sync.  I still hate Baalke but maybe his moves may work out.  I REALLY hate York, but that's because of his privilege.  But Chip Kelly!?  Love him.  Might name my kid after him if he keeps this up.

9:13  With that being said, the 49'ers look like they COULD win maybe 7 games...but I thought the same last year when they walloped the Vikings.  So we'll see by mid-season.  Hoping at least 7 wins, then moving back up the next few years.  Thanks for reading.
Jeff Kleeman

That's My Jam

I'm gonna have some fun with today's blog.  As I was brainstorming ideas today, there were a few options.  My buddy Alan texted me about the worst kinds of cars and their crappy owners.  It was good, but he needs to write that one.  My friend Karl had an idea to do a blog completely in song title. It's well documented that I'm quite lazy when I get home, so the work on that would've been really tough, so to throw him a bone, I'll explain in one sentence, in song titles no less, why I can't possibly do that article tonight.

""It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp", "Everybody" "Land of Confusion" "Da da da"

See...too hard for me.  But it got me thinking, I love music.  Clearly.  I actually sort of enjoy karaoke at times.  If you know me, I've only done a few songs at karaoke.  I've done Motely Crue "Home Sweet Home".



I've done "Without Me" by Eminem, where people were literally making it rain on me while I did it, but by "making it rain" I mean, torn up napkins thrown over me in a trashy bar.

And I have done "The Humpy Dance" by Digital Underground approximately 80 times.  I'm getting kinda burned out on it so I got to thinking, what should I do?  I need to switch it up!  I need a new song...or 8!

So here are the songs that I plan on belting out at a karaoke bar near you.  Beginning with...

I don't give a crap, this is a crowd pleaser.  You belt this out, you are gonna have the bar ROCKING THE F OUT!  Someone may even get motivated and get the Steve Perry haircut...which wouldn't be a bad thing, right!?



Maybe not...

So next you gotta do some rap.  Nothing screams rap like this white, 34 year old from South Dakota.



So let's get in to some rap that's gonna get the crowd jumping!

Only problem, I need to get someone to get up there with me, and who is going to be who!?  Dre's part is awesome, but come on, it's 2Pac!  The best rapper ever!

Speaking of best rapper ever, or someone who thinks he is...Mr. West!

This is one of the best rap songs of all time.  It's amazing.  I would have to highly edit this of course. But I think it can be done.  I just need to find someone to do a killer Jamie Foxx impersonating Ray Charles impression.

Finishing up the rap game for today, let's get some Country Grammar in here:

Boom boom baby.  Classic choice.  Speaking of classic choices, I think it's time for Motown Philly to bring it back again.

This is gonna get the crowd JUMPING.  Speaking of getting the crowd jumping, let's not just make this a boys club.  Let's add 2 more songs that I think would kick ass at karaoke.

Remember when Lady Gaga was the shit and didn't suck?  It's been a long time, but here we are, one of the best songs of all time.  I SAID IT!  Speaking of songs that would kill at karaoke, I blame a pro wrestler (surprised!?) for making me think the following song would kill at karaoke.  But here, just take a look.

Bad ass right?

Let's do one final song.  I think it'd be fun to do The Weeknd...right?

Just for the swearing.  This would be a blast.  And there you have it, 8 songs I will eventually do. Now to never do the Humpty Dance ever again...or at least for a few years.

Thanks for reading!

Jeff Kleeman