Do People Still Read?

 

I haven't written a blog in months.  I've tried, but I haven't.  Between kids, work, reading Dungeon Crawler Carl and trying to keep in shape...I HAVE NO TIME!  So, I've collected some of my random thoughts from the past few months and compiled them all into this one post.  As the kids say, LFG!

- I sound like a real Donut!  "That's for you Crawler fans out there"

- do kids even say LFG anymore?  Gen Z.  I got some issues with Gen Z, I'd express them here, but I don't want to sound like a crotchety old man.  But also, Gen Z doesn't really read or know how to read. I've seen their posts and how they text.

- Okay 2% of Gen Z, the ones reading this, you some real ones.

- I can't say lol anymore btw?  GTFO

- If I say lol, I'm laughing 1/4 of the time.  If I say LOL, all caps, I'm laughing maybe 3/4 of the time.  If I put ROFL, 0% laughter.  And if I type ha at the end my sentence, I'm using it to awkwardly insert a word there in text that doesn't need to be there, ha. 

- Nighttime is overwhelming these days with kids.  They go to bed at 9 in the summer which gives myself and my wife 1-2 hours to fit in: working out, watching a show/movie, talking, reading Dungeon Crawler Carl.  I don't know how parents who let their kids stay up late get anything done.

- Maybe by waking up early?  But I say this with all sincerity.  Fuck that. 

- I don't know how people have more than 2 kids.  How are you going to give each kid the time they deserve, as well as get them in activities/make it to all of their things.  It's too much.  Then get alone time to not watch a show?  Ha.

- Max 2 kids to those of you reading this debating on children.  Just call me China, cuz 2 is perfect.

- Does China still do that?

- Where our country is the opposite.  More people for low paying work!  

- Speaking of movies/TV shows, I never thought I'd be the person to watch them in shifts...but here we are.  Shift watching is weird, continuing a story halfway through feels wrong but it's the only way I finished Dune or Oppenheimer.  

- There's a THIRD Dune coming, FML.  I just hope they don't have a sequel to Oppenheimer!  

- JK, there's definitely a sequel to Oppenheimer coming, give them a few more months.  LOL

- I can't say lol anymore?  GTFO

- Worst sports parents in order is:

1. Baseball

2. Football

3. Soccer

4. Everything else (I'm going to assume Wrestling is somehow number 4, I've seen the vids of some garbage parents at meets.)  Safest sport for kid's parents, I gotta assume fencing!

- Getting in my 40's has given me an amazing superpower though, I can fall asleep any time.  I have passed out at a luau, at John Wick in a theater, I can take on the world...one nap at a time.  

- It's tht second craziest power I've gotten in my 40's after power to grow hair in places that shouldn't have it.

- New music sucks btw.  No new good rap.  Or rock.  I always wanted to stay hip and with it with new music.  But there's not much good besides some alt and some pop.  Or soda as some call it...

- LOL, GET IT!?  SODA!?

- I can't say LOL anymore, GTFO

- If you told me at 24 that Facebook sucked, I would've thought you were crazy.  That place was for college kids only, you needed a college email.  It was the life.

- I only keep FB for work, and my ego rush of the birthday wishes.  Snapchat and Insta I'd get rid of but there are some people who only interact with me on those apps.  If only there was a device for calling and/or texting that was just as useful........

- EDITORS NOTE: I have gotten rid of Instagram.  I now have gotten rid of Twitter, Threads, Insta, next is Snap or Tik Tok.  The only thing that has changed, less cosplay thirst traps.  

- Don't you dare judge me.

- I have seen people on Facebook do posts about their besties who they have personally texted me about saying they no longer like.  Or hate.  Or they hate their spouse, or both.  And then I delete their friend and a year later they are still pretending to like each other.  What is the ever-loving fun in that?  Just stop being around people who make you unhappy.

- Why share a picture of you celebrating a friendship that doesn't exist.  One of the numerous things the boomers got lucky with is if you moved away or lived far from each other, you no longer needed to pretend to be friends.  

- Here come the texts asking who I'm talking about.  I'll tell you.

- If people still read.

- I was in a group chat for the longest time.  And this guy was in it who made fun of EVERYBODY.  That's his life.  He's a horrible person. You know what I did? Cut him out, super easy.  

- Fast food prices.  Too damn high btw, it's cheaper to eat at Chili's than it is to get McDonald's.  McDonald's is trash, delicious, great trash. Stop pretending to be someone you're not.  We already have people doing that on social media. 

- I started this blog 3 months ago btw.  That's how stupid time is.  

- I wrote the above a month ago.  

- And I wrote the above a week ago!  This is how I finish my media, that's how I'll write my blogs from now on.

- Driving is so much worse now.

- I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel since 2016 people have felt that they have the ability to be rude or mean people with no consequences...I just don't know how that coincides with anything that has happened in the last 10 years...

- No lol for that one....

- Okay fine, lol.

- I won't do that joke again, I swear!

- Nickelback is good now, wtf happened?

- Speaking of music, we just kinda gotta sorta pretend they aren't real people now right?  Just listen to the music and move on.

-Kanye I'm looking at you!  Michael Jackson.  Don't even get me started on Diddy... or Fiddy.  All just kinda sorta awful people who made some bangers.  We're in trouble if the most sane was is legit Eminem.

- If you have a large family and you're having a kid, and you plan to name that kid the same name as another kid in the family, just send a quick text. Or message.  It's your life, you do you.  But it's also unbelievably unfair to the originally named kid.  It's also tacky as all hell.

- Doubling down, super tacky.

- Speaking of kids names.  No more unneeded letters in the name.  We don't need Erin to be spelled Airin.  Get bent. Figure it out. 

- This one will get me super heat. I don't like the summer anymore.  Last place.  I don't get the summer off, so what do I enjoy about being hot and sweaty all the time?  I can't go to the pool all afternoon.  I can't survive off of freeze pops for sustenance.  I get mosquito bite reactions that rival a tumor on my face.  The 4th of July went from being a 1–3-day holiday to my neighborhood doing it for an entire week.  

- Kids don't even get a summer break anymore anyway, they get like 2 1/2 months.  Get bent.

- School also shouldn't start until Labor Day is over.  

- Also, teachers should be paid more...I'm gonna end this blog before it gets crazier.

- One last thing. Let's bring back "get bent".  Make Get Bent great again.  

- I think my next blog will be my inner voice thoughts throughout a day.  But we'll see how much this blog gets me in trouble. Cuz I feel I'm there.  

- If anyone reads.

- Jeff

December Should Be Closed

The point of this blog is right there in the title ya'll.  I don't want to work in December.  I mean, I'm Jeff Kleeman, I rarely want to work as it is anyway amiright?!  But let's get with the times, let's have an 11 month year.  Let's use December to literally do nothing but sit on a couch and catch up on TV shows.  Or work out.  Or, I guess, hang out with our families.  

Seriously, we have so little time as adults, it's insane the shit we have to do in December....skip this part if you don't have kids...I'll tell you when to resume below.  

Theme weeks are in session and it's hard to keep it straight with one kid, let alone two.  Did you know jammie day was on Monday AND on Friday but at separate schools? Then it's silly hat day.  Then it's silly socks.  Then it's silly nervous breakdown day for the parents.  I'm tired just typing that.  Add in the fact I work Monday-Friday, then add in all the kids events.  And homework.  And repeat.  Then you get the weekend, but get this, YOU DO NOT GET THE WEEKEND!

This time of the year you gotta go shopping on the weekends.  Or meet Santa...sometimes more than once.  You gotta see family that can't make it for Christmas.  You have office parties.  Friends parties.  Football...as a 49'ers fan this year it's insanely stressful, I'm glad I"m time stamping that thought on December 22nd, but having currently the best team gives me anxiety they might not win the whole thing.  And college football....I'm time stamping this as well on December 22nd, but Michigan is my team and they cheated to get where they are dammit and I need that win too!  (My condolences to my alma mater, the University of South Dakota, who got a game on national television and legit shit the damn bed, but they were #3!  What a football year for ME).

Anyway, back to non-football things.  Give us December off.  Give us the month, paid, to shop, do the kid stuff, the family stuff, all of the stuffs.  There's a few essential jobs that must be performed, so you docs, lawyers, police and retail people, you can figure something out for yourself, I got enough problems.  Speaking of which....

Let's get more phones.  I'm tired of my iPhone.  I want some options like we had back in the day.  Remember the Chocolate?  The RAZR?  The ENV3!?!?!  We literally have like 3 options for phones right now, I hate it.  It's time to update.  Bring me back to 2006...the fashion is already back to where it was, now bring me an updated version of the Nokia dammit.  

Speaking of phones...group chats need a leave chat feature.  I'm in about 8-9 different group chats...it won't stop.  I've legit thought of changing my number, or getting an additional line, just for people I want to hear from, that would save me a lot of annoyance.  But then someone would give that phone number out and I would be in 2 separate hells, 3 if you add in the 9ers anxiety, 4 if you add in how busy life is an adult.  

I also had a really fun observation about boomers that my wife told me to not write, it was too mean, it's Christmastime.  The premise essentially is how they talk down to people our age in their 30's and 40's, legit adults with jobs and kids, and act like the actual adults are still kids...it's maddening.  Also, if you want to play a fun game, go out to eat with a bunch of people over 50 and watch them try to split a bill...or figure out a tip (it's 20%...at worst, for everyone, if they crush it tip more, simple).  

Anyway, it's not like they helped cause how horrible everything is now and don't know how to not share fake links on social media and....I better quit, my wife was right.

Sick days though!  So sick days are definitely an issue now, especially with kids.  It sucks because look, I get it...people go to work sick because they want to store up their PTO in case their kids are sick or they want to have a free, non-sick day.  It sucks.  Factor in that our kids are getting us sick from the daycare we send our kids to, but then they can't stick around at the daycare because they are sick and it's just a vicious cycle.  It's the worst.  What do I propose here?  Clearly for most they may not have a chance to work from home...I mean I do, but most don't. 

Those who can, should be able to stay home and those who don't, I am so sorry, um...what do you suggest?  A daycare that has single rooms...kinda like jail, but not, where your sick kid can go in that room.  And it's loaded with toys and a TV and a bed.  Okay it's a kid jail, let's work on a fun name for it though.  Time Out Time.  Not Home, But Alone.  It's a work in progress.

Thank you all for reading.  Have a happy New Year.  It'll be 2024 so it should be great up until about August.  

Jeff

Random Thoughts Vol. 25

I had an idea for about 38 different blogs..okay I'm lying...36.  But none of them are really wow'ing me at the moment.  But I wanted to write, because I like to write...so I thought I would just put all of these ideas into one blog in an idea that I've clearly done 36 times before...okay, 34 times before.  So here we go another Random Thoughts!

Random Thoughts 31 Part 8

We're binge watching Suits right now.  How is it when this originally aired nobody gave a shit about it, but it drops on Netflix I get literally 8 different people in a span of 2 days telling me to watch this show?  It's good, it's just not Mad Men/Game of Thrones/Breaking Bad good.  It's more in that Dexter/Californiacation...any shitty show on Showtime territory of occasionally great, mostly average...and sometimes awful shows.  Anyways, go watch Suits!

Being a parent, I can see how every generation before us was like "it'll go too fast!".  It does...sort of.  It can go insanely slow sometimes, but that's when you're not doing anything.  But we have approached busy season and I swear, tomorrow will be Christmas.  We got 2 kids.  Both at the age you should have them in things, so piano, swimming, practice piano, soccer, practice soccer, soccer practice, dance, soccer and dance the same night, school function, and birthday party...oh my god the birthday parties!  So many!  We legit were invited to a birthday party where my kid didn't even know the person.  

So when someone says it goes by fast, it's only because you're busy....because when it goes by slow, parenthood is can sometimes be pure hell.  They are learning how to be humans, their emotions are insane, they get cranky and complain and it's loud, especially at birthday parties...oh my god the birthday parties!  So many!  Did I happen to tell you we were invited to a very loud one that we didn't even know the person!?  

Also if I was watching Suits while it originally was airing, I would've been extremely concerned for Megan Markle due to her not being the best actress.  Hoping she could somehow land on her feet...good for her, that's all I gotta say.  That's enough about Suits!

Boomers love milk.  We went on a trip and both sets of parents watched the kids, they did great so this isn't a diss.  But old people, besides thinking everyone is underfed LOVE MILK.  That's it, that's my thought.  Imagine me trying to stretch that idea in to one full blog, WTF was I thinking?!  But seriously, so much milk drank.  So much cereal eaten. All of our coffee creamer over a span of 4 days gone.  The "Got Milk" campaigns were clearly designed to keep us going, but as I've gotten older milk is kinda garbage.  

Also there's nobody really that rootable in Suits.  Okay, enough about Suits!  Besides Donna.  Sort of, she has her moments of sucking.  But she's rootable.  She's fine.  Louis goes in and out of being annoying because the writers seemingly don't know what to do to make a full season...I'm only on season 3 but my god we're in for a long haul.  At least we got Donna.

Getting older...I'm now 41, my body is really starting to hate me.  I get up out of bed too fast, I'm dizzy.  If I stretch something to fix something else, then another body part hurts.  My back always hurts.  I'm tired, even if I've slept.  What we need is a third day of a weekend, to really help with the sanity and to maybe rest my body.  If you couldn't get the gist of it from above, the days fly by way too fast, give us an off day, NFL players get one, why don't we?!

The thing about Donna, she's so smart and attached to Harvey, I just hope she finds happiness.  No spoiler alerts...okay, enough about Suits!  But Donna, the clock is ticking, give up on Harvey.  

This blog has been in my drafts for a month now, can you tell how scatterbrained it is?  Not one of my finest, but thank you for reading.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to write another one of these before the year is over.  Topics I'm thinking of include:

- Seriously, why is Louis written so weird.  He's either pure evil or you feel bad for him.  Does this get better?  Yeah, that's a blog idea.

- By the end of this year, I'll write why I want the 49'ers to win the Super Bowl so bad and I hope to god they are in position to.  Long story short, I'm tired of getting anxiety from a team that doesn't care about me.  Same goes to you Chicago Bulls and Michigan Wolverines, but I'd love to see a Super Bowl win with my kids and my team has come SO CLOSE IN 3 OF THE PAST 4 YEARS!  I just want one.  More.

- What would I do with a million dollars?  That's a fun blog.  

- I wouldn't mind another Inner Voice blog.  My thoughts through a whole day, but by 9 AM it'd have so much profanity and half of it would be complaining about my back, so maybe not.  

Any other ideas?  Drop me a line, comment below, do a smoke signal.  

Thanks for reading.  I'm just glad I finished this blog honestly, it only took forever.

Jeff

I'm 40, Mentally 30, Physically 50: A Blog

 

Lately I've been watching movies that people have been telling me for YEARS to watch.  I had somehow never seen the following:

- Ghost

- My Cousin Vinny

- Roadhouse

- White Men Can't Jump

- Parenthood

- more movies to list that some day I will do a blog on each one I watched...spoiler alert, I don't think I really missed out on much (although the monster truck scene in Roadhouse should be studied for YEARS in any film school, it's a masterpiece.  Actually that's my next blog, reviewing each of the "new" movies).

While watching Parenthood I had two thoughts.  1.  It's really not that funny, it's super depressing.  2.  Steve Martin is about to have a 4th kid in that movie...did you see his picture above!?  He looks 60!  Guess how old he was when they shot the movie?  Go on...guess...

44.  I'm 4 years away from that.  How did our generation decide to age just a little bit better than the previous one?  I see men and women that are 44 now that can easily pass for mid 30's.  Is it the fashion?  Better availability of botox?  Both!?  

So that movie got me to thinking a few things (besides the fact that Mary Steenburger has aged wonderfully, her vs Julia Louis Dreyfus in an ultimate cougar battle, who wins!?).  I started to wonder the above, but I think I figured it out (it's botox and plastic surgery and social media forcing us to all still look young)...so I solved that one.  The second one, where is my mid-life crisis?  

There are a lot of theories to that, but I fell upon a Tik Tok (pre-banned Tik Tok, so if you read this in the future, Tik Tok is an application that steals your information, the only difference is that app is from China stealing your information, while you're probably getting a link to this blog on Facebook or Twitter, apps stealing your information in the good old USA!), this Tik Tok video went in to great length to describe why my generation hasn't had a mid life crisis.  It was quite interesting, clearly we've gone through numerous crises (crisees!?) already, we've also had significantly less wealth built up than the boomer generation who had money saved up enough to go buy a new car or spouse.  

My generation has also grown up a lot different than the ones before and after.  We got to experience rotary phones, dial up connections and everything in our phone.  Video games?  We've had them all, from hooking them up on the back with a screwdriver to playing all of those games on my phone just last night!  Ways to pirate movies?  Covered in every aspect through my life.  Tapes to LimeWire to "redacted".  Music?  Our oldies are still cooler than whatever this generations songs are called.  (Side note, I had a joke about how I'm so old The Next Episode by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg is an oldie...I also had a joke that I'm so old I can fart the beginning seconds in the restroom every morning after my coffee).  Us older millennial's are a weird in-between of the old ways vs the new.  REMEMBER 1-800-COLLECT!?!?  YOWZA!

I think we've experienced so much in such a short time we didn't have time to have a mid life crises.  Or we're aging so differently (and better) than previous generations that our midlife crises will be around age 50.  But by then I'll be so old my main crises will be where do I start when I re-watch all the Marvel movies?  Or when will I finally see Limp Bizkit (0 for 3 this decade, come on Fred!)?  Maybe I'm one of the lucky few who didn't have one?  

Life is pretty crazy now and most if not all of you reading this are around my age, so we're all just trying to navigate a post-Covid world involving work and school and social functions.  Handling kid stuff and figuring out how to have them live their best lives and be involved in as many cool things as they can, BUT at the same time do enough for yourself (like binge watching shows and catching up on dramedy's about parenting from the 80's that you've never seen, oh and staying healthy because cholesterol is a thing now).  Or if you don't have kids, just figuring your shit out.  Because that's life, and life is tough (did I steal that from Parenthood!?).

One last thought on my age, based on the title, turning 40 now is insane.  I don't feel like I'm 40 until I sleep the wrong way on my new pillow.  Then I feel like an old ass 50 year old.  I also have to watch my cholesterol as I stated above, but I could seriously f with some Taco Bell right now.  Listening to music with the windows down I'm cranking some rap or rock but then I get a ringing in my ears.  And I love to drink and go out, but boy do I love having a drink or two at home and being in the house by nighttime.  Those my age reading this who still go hard like I did 10 years ago, my hats off to you...but I'll always remember passing out "early" on a floor and my cousins best friend going "Wow, if Jeff Kleeman knew what he was doing now he would be so disappointed in himself!".  Best quote ever, thanks Spud.  

I will leave you with another quote from my seriously brainy, super cool daughter from this week that really got me, so wise for a 6 year old to say the following: "Remember the years go pretty quickly to 100...now let's go get ice cream!".  Smart kid.  

Thanks for reading and sorry, not sorry, for all the parentheses!  

Jeff

PS Steve Martin is a legend and must be protected at all costs.  Coming next time, movies Jeff watched that are old and he writes about them!

PPS I wrote a book!  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTRPH7RW?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

What's All This To Do Then?

 

I just finished my book, you may have heard!?  So I didn't want to over-promote it but... here is a link to Burying the Past, available now on Amazon!  

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTRPH7RW?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

Finishing the book was a glorious/painful experience.  It's definitely not perfect.  There's stories looking back on that I forgot to put in, the Cory putting out a fire story in particular is a great story and I COMPLETELY FORGOT!  SORRY KAAAAAHHHHH!

There's stories that honestly should've went in that I didn't include because of...reasons, particularly with the two jobs in Lincoln.  The stories are so amazingly weird and bonkers they don't honestly seem real anyway.  You can ask me what they are the old fashioned way, text messaging!

Also with any exes I tried to be super nice, I think I was only mean to like two?  And I can't tell other stories because I am quite happily married, so if you want to hear any of those you can ask me what they are the old fashioned way, calling (text messaging you can screen shot, nope)!

Maybeeeeee if I sell 500 copies of the book, I'll get greedy enough to come out with a deluxe edition or put in a better font size for the older people (I did a 12 font and on the test run I thought it looked fine, so my apologies if you had to get a magnifying glass to read...and no apologies if you work at a magnifying glass plant).  

Now that I finished the book, what do I do with the limited time I had?  Well...what do you think this blog is about!?  Join me as I debate my next route...

- Another Book

Nope!  Never.  Done.  

I have debated writing a screen play for fun.  I attempted one a LONG time ago in college that was called 17 Cent Situation...and it is pretty amazing, but writing a screenplay seems far more complicated than a book and it's not going to end up a movie anyway.

- Binge Some More Shows

I honestly don't know what shows I have left to binge watch besides a handful, those being

* Better Call Saul's final season

* Severance (100% happening this week)

* Curb Your Enthusiasm (I'm on episode 5 of season 1...it's a long task)

OR binge watch some classics such as

* Seinfeld, to see if it's held up

* The Office (sadly I've been doing this, I'm to season's 4 finale, it's held up, but Jim is kind of a dick and Pam is possibly the worst, team Karen)

* Community, also to see if it held up or I built it up in my head as the greatest show ever.

Get In To Politics...AGAIN!

Nope!  I don't want to tie again.  There's no other options, I won't win, I won't lose.  I will have a second tie.  That is my destiny.  Plus have you seen how bad it is on both sides?  No, I'm good.  Unless there's a cool third party that isn't influenced by horrible people with money and decide what happens based on what's right.  

PS Tax churches. 

Exercise!

This I do need to do.  Turning 40 has led to my body hating if I eat burritos 6 days in a row, so add diet in there too...in fact, boom we have a winner!  Only one problem, what is a healthy burrito I can do?  Feel free to text me or comment.  

I think I'm going to maybe do my progression diet-wise on this blog.  Let's see how I do now that you're invested!

*Also I had the following blog idea for a while, but it doesn't warrant a full blog, so I'm throwing in my questioning of parenthood activities. 

I was talking with my coworker last week (was it last week!?) and parenting now is crazy right?  Where am I going with this?  Glad you didn't ask!  I'm going in a few directions.  One direction is schools and other various things only having activities during work hours.  When was all of this decided?  Parent teacher conferences at a preschool during the day!?  A fun run scheduled during the noon hour in a big ish city!?  No, what is this?  

All you parents who do make it, what do you...do?  Stay at home spouse is definitely a job (trust me!  I did it briefly) but if you live in the richy rich part of the neighborhood I automatically assume it's a two household income kinda lifestyle so I'm super confused when one person is a banker and the other either doesn't work or is a part time florist.  It's your parents money isn't it?  

The other thing with parenting and activities, if you have more than 2 kids I feel for you.  There's so many things for them to do you don't get any time for yourself.  We have at no particular time: gymnastics, swimming, dance, piano, soccer and we haven't even gotten to baseball/basketball/football.  That's insane on two levels, time and expense.  I'd like my kids to try everything, but I also see why some of those psycho (sorry, intense) parents force (sorry, focus) on one sport, saves some time and money. 

Basically, the main thing to learn is nothing will ever be perfect as long as you try and the kids don't turn in to jerks.  So far so good on my end!

Thanks for reading...also you may be unsure, but I did just release a book, available here:

Burying the Past

Thanks for reading!  Oh, I forgot to list above with exercise...blogging will be back, ish!  Maybe monthly, depends on my ideas and when they come to me.  Have a great day!

Jeff

PS Next blog is going to be about boomers and why they should have to take a test to be on Facebook.  I just thought of this, it's too good not to do.  

Vertigo or: I'm Dizzy When I Get Up Too Fast and Other Weird Things of Getting Old

 

Getting older has led to the WEIRDEST things.  If you told me when I was 30, that 10 years later the following would happen I would've said you're crazy!  Let's explore:

- As I mentioned in the title, getting dizzy is ROUGH.  Getting up too fast when I hear my kid asking for me in the morning or just getting out of bed has led to some fun mornings.  The things that are happening as I get older are so weird to me.  Dizzy spells.  Being tired literally early in the evenings.  My back ALWAYS HURTS.  

Back to vertigo, I haven't had it in years, then a few weeks ago, boom, dizzy.  Fun fact, I also had a bout of vertigo on the very first TV show I ever hosted, did I hide it well?  Yes.  Was it all downhill from there?  Also yes.  

Quick tip to get rid of the vertigo/dizziness: put your body against a wall, standing up of course...and proceed to tilt your head side to side like the Roxbury Guys, then you're good to go...well that and prescription drugs of course.

- I still watch The Office!?  There is so much content in entertainment it's insane.  We are truly in the golden age of television, with some amazing shows I have yet to partake in.  So I ask you this, why am I still willingly watching The Office!?  

Same with The Simpsons, same if a random Seinfeld is on.  Is it a comfort thing!?  I'm about to binge watch the hell out of Curb Your Enthusiasm, so maybe I'll take a tiny break from watching the same episode of The Office for the 12th time...after the dinner party episode, because it's perfect television.

- They are still making Fast and the Furious movies!?  How are there so little ideas to movies these days?  Hire me and my cousin Brad, we'll whip you up a fun, cheaply made idea that'll make you you're money back and have you leaving the comfort of your living room (or a movie theater, what are those!?) with a smile on your face...or a frown.  Either way hire us, are you listening other Jeff Kleeman!?

Although I am impressed that they tied Tokyo Drift to the 10th (or is it 9th!?  11th!?) Fast and the Furious movie, which, is quite impressive to the large collective of people who were thinking, "I wonder what the gang from the least successful Fast and the Furious movie is up to!?".  Also, where is Bow Wow!?  

- Superhero movies are getting old and repetitive!?  I'm so tired of the amount of content they are putting out.  Back in the day you would watch one of these, there may or may not be a few sequels, then it was done for a few years.  Now we have 2-3 current Batmen, a billion Spider-Men...a lot of average to barely above average Marvel shows and a ton of movies that I have to force myself to watch because I don't want to be lost when Avengers 8 comes out.

Again, give me a low budget, get me my Cowriter, we'll write you another movie starring Eric Rasmussen, boom, money.  

Also, related rant.  Comics were lame when I was a kid, I loved them and now it's cool!?  Not fair.  Rant over.  

- Staring at my phone with my wife at 9:30 PM on a Friday night is enjoyable simply because it's quiet!?  It's so crazy.  10 years ago I was still going out, every so.  Not really the bars anymore, house parties were nice or friend get togethers.  Now it's kinda nice being home on a Friday or Saturday and just....CHILLING.  I do miss the occasional party, I REALLY miss beer pong and I definitely would love a board game night...as long as all of my guests clean up after themselves, don't wake up my kids and leave at a reasonable hour, is that too much to ask!?

Lastly, my book was 100% done, then it was 90% done to fix some things....(thanks Brad!), now it's 100% done again.  I might put the first page on his blog in a few weeks, but that's all leading up to say it's done and I just need to go on Amazon publishing and get things rolling.  Here is the cover of the book, if you know me, it's an old friend!

Look for that book coming up soon.  If you don't mind me, I'm going to stand up now and do some stretches.  Thanks for reading!

Jeff

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is one of my favorite entertainers of all time.  He's one of the few childhood favorites of mine that hasn't gotten cancelled (please nobody send me anything if he has), he made The Jerk which is a top 5 comedy of all time and I recently started Murders in the Building which is a delightful show.  If you haven't watched it, picture a cross between a random PBS show with Martin Short being hilarious and throw in Selena Gomez being Selena Gomez and you got a 4.5/5 show.  

Anywhosers, back to Steve Martin.  I only named this blog "Steve Martin" because I had some fun thoughts on Parenthood...GET IT!?  CUZ HE WAS IN THAT MOVIE!?  So below will be some interesting things I've gathered on being a parent...well maybe a few more things since my last parenthood blog.

ALSO...my book is complete, I'm about to publish it.  I haven't yet because it feels like it's a time consuming process and I'm waiting on my cousin/brother to write my foreword who just had his first kid.  AND with a new job/being a parent and husband/football season/holidays/staring at a wall out of exhaustion, I can barely find time to write this.  That being said, thoughts on parenthood and getting older!

- I have a favorite kids song.  We're lucky because growing up all the kids songs were garbage, minus a few, specifically this one:

One of my best friends recently subjected to me to Danny Go and let me tell ya, that shit SLAPS!  Some quality there.  

- Speaking of these shows, the impatience of my kids is outstanding if a show is buffering or they can't access it.  Now I'm the old man who yells at a cloud when I explain back in MY DAY we only had 36 channels and had to buy or rent VHS or DVD's....even worse we had to wait for a show to air.  We truly lived in prehistoric times having to wait for Doug and Rugrats like we were cavemen.  

- The only thing we had it better than the kids now was when it comes to music.  I've had this conversation with a few people of "Are we old now or does the music actually suck?" and I'm of the belief it's both.  There's very few songs coming out now that are original or good.  If it's Olivia Rodrigo she's taking whatever song or melody was big back then (still good though!) and making hits or Elton John discovered he can just remake his older songs with someone and that gets radio play.  Also Dua Lipa is a robot, that is my next blog, 99 reasons why Dua Lipa is not a real human being.  

- Also, one of the most interesting observations about growing older, our parents didn't have social media.  So I'm guessing a lot of you boomers reading this got to stay in and not really be jealous of anyone going out because you weren't seeing it.  I'm in the interesting "I'm super jealous you get to go out and drink while I"m home with kids but at the same time it's 9 PM and I'm wearing sweatpants eating ice cream and I'm perfectly fine watching Unsolved Mysteries" portion of my life.  

I'd like to meet somewhere in the middle now that my kids are getting older.  I want to go out and RAGE or throw a house party and RAGE while listening to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, but I want to be done by 9:30 or 10:00 PM.  I'm not 35 anymore!  So those reading this, expect an invite of some sort in the near future to my Old Person Beer Pong Tournament, where it starts at 3 PM and ends by 9:00 PM...MAYBE 9:30 PM.  

I elaborated on the following above, but I'm going to revisit this, there is just not enough time in the day either, especially as a parent.  Typical day in one paragraph: woke up by my kid (it's fine, he's awesome and it's now at 6:30 AM!!!  Make breakfast, get them ready, go to school.  Go to work, forget you didn't eat breakfast.  Work.  Pick up kids make them dinner.  They go to bed.  You and your significant other, and I know this is EVERYONE, turn on a show and take your phones out in pure exhaustion.  Sleep.  Repeat.

What I would like to figure out is how to include a work out.  Binge watching a few shows or movies I've had on my list.  I would LOVE to play some video games that I've wanted to beat for a while (I've been halfway through Link to the Past for a good 6 years now....some day), listen to my records, finish some books perhaps?  I had a goal all weekend to play a WWE game and make all my friends in to characters, I haven't touched it...too tired by 10 PM.  I feel a sick day coming upon me cough cough.  (I'm just kidding work!)

- Cholesterol!?  Watching what I have to eat?  What the shit is this?  I just turned 40 which means if I even sniff cheese I'm going to be farting for a month straight.  Eating right, while good for you, is seemingly incredibly hard and boring.  The other thing I struggle with foodwise, when my kids don't finish something I grew up with the mindset that I gotta finish that.  So if we go out and eat and they don't finish that delicious chicken nug or that cheesy, fart inducing pizza I must finish ASAP.  

Parenthood is incredibly rewarding.  Do not get me wrong (kids if you're reading this in the future you're great!).  Just know when my kids get older and they can go and do more things independently, we're gonna have a role reversal and they are going to come home to me and Heather gaming at 1 AM, drinking some Natty Lights while I listen to my 2 Pac vinyl's.  Also I should watch the movie Parenthood, I've never seen it.  Time to add that to my "Movies Kleeman Surprisingly Hasn't Seen" list.  

Hey!  Thanks for reading, it's been a minute.  Next up, HOPEFULLY THE BOOK.  Please buy it, it's really good, I swear.  

Til next time,

Jeff

PS Movies I recently finished I somehow hadn't seen are: Roadhouse, My Cousin Vinny, White Men Can't Jump, Ghost, Point Break...all decent, none I will ever watch again. 

Movies on my list still: Death Becomes Her, Philadelphia, Cliffhanger, Police Academy (Kim Cattrall, Jeff's first crush!), Land of the Lost.  There's more, but if you just read this blog, it's gonna take a while!

Kids Say the Darndest...

It's really great raising two kids who are super curious and ask a lot of questions.  First of all, they haven't been tainted by the world yet, so they are full of wonder and questions such as, "Dad, why is that guys butt sticking out of his pants?".  That was a fun moment at Hy Vee.

Second of all, I'm pretty blunt, but I'm aware of what I can and cannot ask, I absolutely love how blunt kids can be with whatever they say.  They don't care!  They will ask a super awkward question and then move on to watching Gabby's Dollhouse, forgetting they ever asked it.  

Yesterday my daughter asked a question that legit made sense, most of hers do.  So I thought I would tally up a few of her questions and my son's questions into a blog and comment on them.  Let's start with the one that got me to write this blog in the first place:

* note, this isn't one of those super lame blogs where parents lie about their kids quotes, neither have expressed their views on world peace, politics or if Taylor Swift is or isn't overrated.  (She's not, but I can see the argument).  Just some normal questions from two awesome kids.

"Why do you have to pay for school lunches?"

My first reaction was, holy shit, why does anybody have to pay for school lunches?  It honestly should come with school.  But then I got to thinking how underpaid school staff is.  How we have to do donations just to help support a school while legit billionaires are flying a space shuttle into space.  How the education and the societal system is broken, especially when it comes to education and the poor.  Then my head exploded.  

But seriously, I didn't grow up wealthy, but imagine having to not pay for your kid to eat at a place they learn, amazing.  This also goes in to college and how all of their staff is underpaid...but that's for another day.

"Why do kids have to stay home from daycare when they aren't sick?"

I had an entire blog written up about this, but I had to delete it for a few reasons.  I was super angry, which doesn't translate to a good read.  Also I completely understand the risk if a kid "might" be sick.  I oddly helped run a daycare for a few months (my resume is bonkers, I know this.  To learn more about my crazy life, buy my book in November called "Burying the Past"!) so I understand not wanting to close down and refund parents...but....

The system is broken.  Daycare is super expensive.  Most people can't afford it.  Most people can't afford to not have it.  We have the luxury of not being those parents that drop off a sick kid because we have to, but I get it.  But on the same note, people should try to not drop off their kid if they are sick because they get others sick.  They also, not my current daycare, I like this current daycare, but some daycare's didn't have a clue what to do with Covid.  

Kids temp is 100?  Send them home for 2-3 days!  Okay that doesn't affect anything at all work wise, does it?  Our son was sent home from a daycare for having a 99 degree temp in June.  So I had to work from home while our perfectly healthy son was fine.  When I questioned it, the head of the daycare tried to explain to me what a fever was like I wasn't married to a doctor or passed 5th grade science (D's get degrees).  

Quick thing, preschool/daycare teachers and staff should be paid more.  People's jobs SHOULD have a daycare allowance in it.

Basically the first two questions my daughter had involved the education and childcare system and how it's broken.  Perhaps my daughter or son can help change the world in the future and not have a tie in a political race like their dad.  Speaking of which?

Why is that guy so old!?

Okay, only a minor political one, but one that 99% of everyone can agree on.  My son asked this about our president.  Nobody over the age of 65 should be making decisions.  You're done, go drink a margarita and hang with your grand kids, you did your job.  There is no reason anyone should run for any political office at age 88.  

My son is 3 and asked why someone old is speaking on television, clearly he didn't know who it was.  But seriously, what a broken ass system.  Should honestly rename this blog "The System is Broken".  

Why do I have to wake up early every day?

My daughter is learning quick, the answer to this is nobody knows why!  The work day was set Monday thru Friday 8-5 by Satan.  School usually between 8ish - 3 ish?  I'm down for some changes there.  Four day work weeks?  Non Satan hours of 8-5?  Shorter school days where they maximize their learning?  More remote possibilities with jobs, oh, oh, oh!  My favorite question is the next one!

Why are my things during your job?

So a lot of people work without the luxury of being able to pick up and drop off your kids whenever, wherever...Shakira references!  

So my daughter has dance right at 5, that involves working people to leave at 4:30 to get to her after school place on time, then get to dance at 5, but then I gotta go pick up my kid, then go back to the same location to pick up my child when she's done.  Then there's dinner, then whatever small amount of time with them before they go to sleep, then you do the parent thing where you have goals, but stare at a wall or a tv show/phone instead.

Kindergarten training, I'll call it that, was at 9 AM each day, which I worked at 9 AM each day, then it was over at 11:45, so you gotta leave early (I'd also like to throw in I had my vasectomy this week like an idiot, so we dropped her off at 9 AM, then I had a vasectomy, then I waddled to go pick up my daughter, that week SUCKED).  It seems all things for kids are during the day intentionally to make one parent want to lose their god damn mind.  

Daddy how come you can swear?

Because I fucking can, get over it.  (I didn't really respond with that, but it's funny!).  

My kids know not to swear, I've discussed this with a few parents recently, but it's impossible for me to not swear.  Years and years of doing it, if I stub my toe I'm not NOT going to swear.  So you make sure your kids know they can't say the major bad words...but now I have to deal with poopy butt being a bad word at daycare and I have ZERO issues with poopy or butt being said.  Honestly, just be a good person and if they say booby let it slide preschool teacher who should be making way more money than you currently are (see I'm on your side!!!).

That's just a few of the gems they've had, I love the questions my kids ask, luckily they aren't all as deep as some of the above questions, more so it's asking how to add and spell which I can handle.  Here's a quick round up for funny ones that don't need a write up, one is clearly a joke:

- Why do girls not have wieners?

- Why are my farts smelly?

- Why do we have to eat vegetables?

- Are you lying about Santa?

- What are your thoughts on trickle down economics?

- Why do you yell at the 49'ers?

- Why do we fart?

- Why can't I scratch my butt in public?

Just some gems here, clearly the made up question was....Santa, it's the Santa one!  100%....

Thanks for reading as always.  I'm in the beginning stages of the how to convert finished book to Amazon publishing, but I'm there.  I finished a freaking book and I couldn't be happier.  If this takes off, perhaps I'll try another book that'll take far less time to complete than 13 years.  

Thanks for reading!

Jeff

Parenting 101...Questions

When I came up with the idea for this blog, the name Parenting 101...Questions popped in my head and I loved it.  But then I started to wonder, "Are there 101 questions I have about parenting?".  No, not really.  When I sat down pen to paper (fingers to keyboard, you know what I mean) I compiled a list, could I get to 28?  45?  69!?  (Hahaha, see what I did there?).  

No, I couldn't get there, but I do have a few questions that are on my mind, let's begin with...

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS AN EVENT INVOLVING ASKING FOR MONEY!?

Okay, I know why, because the education system is broke and they need money.  But holy...let's say cow.  My son is in preschool, my daughter just started kindergarten.  Fundraiser central.  Want to come to the fair and get food?  Hell yeah I do, but you gotta buy the raffle tickets and the food and whatever else comes up.

Want to go to an event at a preschool and get free food but pay money to watch Sing which you've seen 38 times?  Hell yeah I do!  Sing and Sing 2 have the best replay value for a movie since Moana, BUT now it's starting to add up.  

Coming up we have a food fundraiser (which is good, people should eat) and a running fundraiser (also good, people should run) and don't even get me started on political campaigns and kids coming to my door asking me to buy food.  OF COURSE I'LL BUY YOUR FOOD!  I'm the skinniest fat kid ever, give me higher cholesterol. 

Before I know it, I'm going to be having a fundraiser called "The Fundraiser to Fund the Raisers".  I will play some records, I will rap the Humpty Dance with or without Alex and Dustin beat boxing and set up a beer pong tourney to...wait...okay the records and beer pong tourney sounds like a good idea.  I better bring this up to the HOA WHICH I ALSO PAY MONEY FOR!

Back to music.  When dropping off your kids, what do you listen to?  Do you have it on talk radio or a podcast? Maybe an annoying morning show?  Me?  I'm listening to my mixes.  It can be whatever any time of day, but the real concern is I better have my window rolled up because, my bad, Ice Cube was asking, very politely as a matter of fact, you can do it, put your ass in to it.  

First off Mr. Cube, for me no, not this morning.  But it is funny getting to my 40's and our oldies are Cube, 2Pac, Dre, Korn, Metallica...I might have to stick to sports radio, but I can't handle sports after a 49'ers loss because I'm apparently a fucking child with sports.

Speaking of children!  How come when they find a toy they both haven't seen since pre-covid (somehow 40 years ago) they have to argue over it.  There was a stuffy of a dog that honestly was on the chopping block (neutering block I guess?) for toys, they both spotted it and boom, fireworks.  Anger.  Tears.  Two seconds of that random quiet when you think they fixed it themselves and then, oh wait, no wait, they were kidding.  

I grew up an only child, so all of this is new to me.  I had my cousin Brad, my cousin/brother (crother?  brousin?  It's brousin isn't it?) which we had arguments, we still do, but like, it's funny.  Then we're back to normal, my kids eventually get there, but the arguments over, and I can't emphasize this enough, the stupidest shit, will remain at least until college time.

*kids if you find this blog in 2042, I love you both, I hope you two are just crushing it and climate change hasn't quite taken effect and not to get too political, but I hope to god I stop hearing about one piece of shit ex-president daily by at least 2025...but somehow I doubt it.  Oh, and give dad and mom a call!  - Jeff in 2042

Finally, the terrible 2's aren't a thing.  That's some stupid phrase Dr. Spock or whoever else came up with in the olden times for those god awful parenting books that they made bank on.  The only Dr. Spock anyone should listen to told me to live long and prosper, which again if these kids keep selling me food my cholesterol will not agree with that phrase.  

The 3's are the crazy age...at least til puberty hits I'm guessing.  Our daughter had her craziness at 3 and currently it's our sons turn.  It's the age they can have a conversation with you and say "I love you" one minute and the next say "I'm going to eat your face!", which has happened!  He also discovered how funny the words Poopy and Butt are next to each other which clearly he's a comic genius, poopybutt, I'm laughing just typing it.

Unfortunately you can't say those words in unison or you will get talked to every...single...day...you pick him up.  At least he's not saying god awful things like the f word and How 'Bout them Cowboys.  Now we just have to conquer poopy butt and him crying uncontrollably when we leave a room for "insert 3 year old gymnastics/swimming/anything else class" and we will be good to go!

Well I for one am really glad I didn't attempt to do 101 questions, I kept some of the gold though which I'll share below because they were legit questions that I need to know

- What happened to Josh Hartnett and the guy from Friday Night Lights?  Weren't they supposed to be movie stars!?

- Is new music good?  IS IT!?  

- Underrated show, Brooklyn Nine Nine, I'm watching it now.  But here's the question, it expires on Hulu to go on another streaming service soon so I'm binge watching like mad, but why are there so many streaming services!?  This household alone has: Netflix, Peacock, Disney, Hulu, Amazon, ESPN, HBO, Paramount...WHERE DOES IT END?

- Also why does everything have to have a +!?  Just do a different name...gaaaahhhhhhh.

- Seriously Josh Hartnett was in some good stuff, like seriously what the hell happened?

The rest of the questions were basically things every parent asks, more Hartnett questions (Seriously!?) and how there are no original ideas for TV shows since the 80's....which will be my next blog.  

Thanks for reading as always!

Jeff

Kid Drop Offs or Why Everyone is Horrible and Can't Drive

 This fall has been quite the exciting time!  Our daughter just started kindergarten, while our son just moved to a new preschool.  With those two things comes all the activities, the driving, the cussing, the anger, the happiness we're leaving the activity, the "wow you did great!", with the next sentence being "I can't believe that car almost hit that kid, what the fuck did they just learn how to drive!?". 

This morning I dropped my kids off and here's what happened.  The awkward meet up at a door where another parent holds the door open for you, so my daughter goes to get the door and my son is behind and a door hits him in the face.  Then of course dropping my son off to his door while we're on a time limit to get to kindergarten on time, while we're waiting for another parent who won't stop talking to my kids teacher about nothing of importance, while I wait to ask a question to the teacher about my son using the term "poopy butt" too much.

Then leaving and instantly getting cut off by a parent as I'm trying to leave, who then cuts another person off and honks at them.  THEN we get to preschool and I walk my daughter to the door, making awkward conversation with someone I've met twice about Sonic the Hedgehog when my daughter has a question, but a dad I just met gets in between us and starts talking to me because he also wants to discuss Sonic the Hedgehog.  

The mornings get a little hectic these days, but hey I got a blog idea out of it.  Here are the different type of parents you will experience each day, one of them could be you!

Mom Trying Too Hard to Be Hot...Mom

I get it and clearly we all love when you show up, but we're old now.  If you gotta get super hot at 7 in the morning, more power to you, but I'm showing up to drop my kids off in neon shorts and a Space Jam t-shirt, PROBABLY while wearing a mismatched hat to hide my bed hair.  

If your job requires getting dressed up, that's fine, pick the month and usually my job does too.  But I'm far less shallow now, I'm more likely to think you're just as cool if you show up in a Spice Girls t-shirt and mismatched sandals (SHOUT OUT TO MY NEW DROP OFF FRIEND WHO DID ONE OF THOSE TODAY!).

The Cool Dad

I think I'm a cool dad, but not this type of cool dad, because I have humility.  This is the dad that always has those Mark McGwire sunglasses on or a polo/dress shirt where it's a solid color, but the collar is always white, below, two photo examples:

The kind of dad who when the kid falls you laugh at them and tell them to stop being a, we'll say wussy.  And somehow they are always smirking.  No reason to smirk so early in the morning.  Or at night after a long day.  Actually adulthood should have zero smirking.

The Talks Too Much Parent

Earlier the parent who butt in wanting to tell me something, which was 100% okay and I like new friends, but wait a second because I want to hear what my daughter has to say.  Ever get in one of those conversations and they won't stop talking?  I know when this happens because I am guilty of this 25% of the time, I am 1/4 The Talks Too Much Parent.  But I also can read a room, so when I'm done with the story I must blurt out, I switch gears.

But the ones who can't read a room and you're talking to someone about North Dakota while you are just dropping off your kid, we gotta not do that.  (This is 100% a conversation that happened and unless you're talking the movie Fargo or maybe how good NDSU football and Trey Lance are, nobody should ever talk about the 4th worst state in the country).

The Talks to Everyone Parent 

This is 3/4 me.  I will attempt to talk to anyone, including the Real Quiet Parent.  I moved to Lincoln 2 years ago and I would like to make some more friends.  Is that a crime!?  Is the best place to do it in the morning of a very stressful day when you drop off your kids?  I'll ignore that answer because I'm trying anyway.

But I like a good chat in the morning, working from home for essentially two years has made me miss social interaction.  So if I am that annoying parent, and I am, just politely nod and I'll stop...after getting my question out of the way, because I 1/4th talk too much...arguably more.

Also I'll use this as a parents friends ad, but you, yes you, if you like music and going to movies and going to bed by 10-10:30 PM but still like to drink do I have a couple for you!  Also, if you are knowledgeable on 90's hip hop and professional wrestling, I'm just saying, we're available.  

The Real Quiet Parent

I respect you.  I like that you just show up, you stand and nod.  If someone talks to you, you have a one sentence response, if not one word.  You walk away mid conversation, sure that hurts my feelings, but I 100% get it.  I always get along with the silent people because I can do the talking for the both of us.  I also wonder how your home interactions are?  Not in a negative way.  But in a "Does your kid talk?" kind of way.  Moving on!

The I'm Always Late Parent But Don't Care

You pull out and see the parent blaring some soft rock, maybe Evanescence.  Or Pink.  Okay it's both at the same time.  Or if it's the dad it's Drake.  But they are always late because they are horrible with time.  I can't even describe what they look like because the only look that describes them is late, but I'm sure they are holding a coffee from Scooters or Starbucks that if they just did that after they picked up their kids, they would 100% be on time.

The I'm Always Late Parent But I Do Care, But I'm Always Late Anyway

This parent has a cup of coffee left over from yesterday while she is holding today's coffee.  While yelling at her kids to hurry up because they are late.  But this person is usually nice 80% of the time, they just decided to have maybe 3 kids too many.  Always in a mini van.  So in a hurry.  Usually the type to say as they are running away, "Sorry I'd talk but I gotta run!" but saying it to nobody in particular.

The We're Friends, But Only With Each Other Parents

If I was still in Vermillion, I would probably be this parent.  But in Lincoln I don't know as many people, so it's usually a mixture of the cool dad, the hot mom and the talker parent.  I want to be the talker parent!  Get me in there!  Put me in coach, I'm ready to play!  

Usually talking about what their kid did this weekend, usually named Spencer or Bryce or Madeline or whatever, but always misspelled.  So it's Spensur, Brise and Medlynnnnnnn.  Maybe I don't want to be friends with them.  Back to the bench!

The Bitch

This morning I had another story.  I've crossed paths with this person maybe 4-5 times now because she likes to park in the exact same area that I do.  Super selfish bitch.  I had to go, but she keeps the door open so I can't reverse, with no regard for hurrying or being polite.  Closes door, looks at you annoyed, then takes forever to get in her car.  Super selfish bitch.  Then because I was polite and waited, why not have her pull out in front of me?  Makes sense.  

Usually cuts in front of people...and cars...on the walk to class.  95% chance kid grows up to do this.  I hate her.

There's a few more I can probably discuss here, but I think I got the gist!  A quick run downs of the ones I don't want to go in-depth on, in no particular order:

- the bad parent

- the I'm on the phone parent

- the I'm on speaker phone parent for absolutely no reason

- the apologetic parent who has a shitty kid

And we did it!  More blogs to come and the book is in the finishing stages of editing, so I should be ready to have it up by the end of October.  If you're reading this, you  might be in it, so I'll be asking for permission for the pictures in the middle of the book part of the book shortly.  

Have a great Wednesday!

Jeff

Burying the Past: Last Book Teaser

 

I have done it!  I finished my book.  I'm now editing to make sure it grammatically looks good.  I'm also adding things I may have missed, especially from the Rat Pack Party chapter.   Then all I have to do is do a Cast of Characters and we're good to go.  This took a year to finish, but I did it.  Below are a few entries from the book.  I hope it's enough to entice you to buy it because clearly my only motivation for finishing this is money and to sell it for millions of dollars.  

This entry is from the nicknames chapter, We have encountered a lot of very interesting people throughout the years, here's one that I still enjoy discussing:

Snowboard Guitar Guy

Telling this story as an adult is always fun.  It’s one of my go to’s for the absurdity of it.  We were having a party when I was alerted there was an older man outside on my deck drinking.  So I went outside to see what the hubbub was about.  

It was a man who was homeless talking with people outside who were smoking.  I had nothing against that.  So I started to talk to him, I found out from him that his one source of income was by nude modeling at the art school.  He had wanted to patent an invention where you could have a snowboard that also played guitar.  As you got down to the bottom of the hill, when you were done snowboarding you could immediately shred on your guitar and play some tunes.  

Smash wanted him to come inside my home and hangout, but I was very hesitant, so I didn’t let him in the house.  She was furious at me.  So he stayed outside the rest of the night, talking with whomever and we never saw him again.  I often wonder if he got to live his dream or what happened to him?  

The Mermaid

She was brought up earlier in the book.  She had joined us for an H-Worth Open event and left the next day before our 6th Rat Pack Party.  I had found out she had an ex-husband she didn’t tell me about from Stein.  

There was always something weird with her, she was very nice, but there was a weird rule.  She was reading an advice book from Steve Harvey of all people.  In the book, he said couples who start dating shouldn’t have sex for 60 days.  That way the relationship wouldn’t have any complications from having sex.  So I got cock blocked by Steve Harvey.  We also had a double date, playing Family Feud of all things, with Julia and her boyfriend Drummer.  I went to get a beer with Julia and she swears Mermaid was hitting on Drummer, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO!  

A few weeks later we went to a place in Chamberlain, SD to go camping.  After I saw either a ghost or a dead body (Google it, there’s reportedly a ghost in that river and I’m convinced it was one of those two), we had a conversation about relationships.  Her parents and family had come to join us, they were quite nice actually.  So I told her I liked her family, she told me it was moving too fast.  She wanted to take a break, which was a perfect thing to say before going to bed in a tent and possibly seeing a dead body or a ghost.  

I woke up that morning and went home.  We didn’t talk for a week as she went on a vacation with her family.  When she got back she called me, which was weird because we lived in the same apartment, she was literally right under my floor.  But she called at the worst possible time.  LeBron James was going to say where he was going to play basketball.  Was he to stay in Cleveland?  Was he going to Miami?  Did Jeff see a ghost or a dead body?!  Nobody knew!  

So while she told me we were done on the phone I asked her if she could pause for a second, as Dark Honey was in the other room screaming, LeBron had chosen Miami.  Wow.  Incredible.  Oh, and I was single again.  She eventually wanted to get back together, but that was too much crazy for me.  

Also a subtle hint to her name, Simo would call her REO Speedwagon, which dammit I should’ve named her entry that!  

I was going to share a story about how a party of ours was started called Jock Jams, but I had too much controversy this week with Facebook posts, so I"ll post about one of the jobs I had in my younger years.

Sioux Falls Skyforce

I love basketball, I suck at it, but I love it.  90’s basketball got me through a lot growing up.  I loved video game basketball, NBA Jam, Michael Jordan and the Bulls, nobody I know can beat me at NBA Live ’95 or ’96, fact.  

So when I graduated and an internship with the Sioux Falls Skyforce came up I jumped at the opportunity.  They are a minor league affiliate, at the time for the Minnesota Timberwolves, for the NBA and one of the most successful franchises in “minor league” basketball.  

My job was to do promotions and be one of those people you see go out during timeouts or breaks in the action and shoot t-shirts into the crowd or throw balls.  It honestly was a fun gig; it was just really time consuming at nights and holidays and you didn’t get paid anything.

My thinking was, I would work there and maybe end up finding a job with an NBA team.  My cousin had worked with the Sioux Falls Stampede, then with the Magic and I thought that sounded fun.  Maybe I’ll get into promotions with an NBA squad?  

No, not meant to be and not an easy career to get into.  I did get some perks like free tickets and food which was nice.  Ironically the girl I was going to live with in Sioux Falls was a cheerleader for the Skyforce, she was the only nice cheerleader.  In fact, besides the front office, even the players were jerks.  I bumped into one very tall player at a bar and went up to him, introduced myself and said, “hey I guess we’re kind of coworkers huh!?”.  He looked at me with no facial expression, “Fuck no!”.  And walked away.  

One of my last nights is one of the most embarrassing stories of my life.  I became the main partner of the mascot; I think his name was Thunder.  I would assist him with whatever he needed cuz his hands were mascot paws.  The most rewarding part of the job was helping special needs kids and getting them prizes every game.  It truly was awesome, and I loved it every time.  Except one night. 

It was Christmas so it was a packed house.  At the time I was dating McQ, and I had gotten her parents some free tickets to the game.  I was feeling super cool and went to go help Thunder deliver a ball to a special needs kid.  I got a little too amped up and instead of a bounce pass I did an overhead pass, but it slipped out of my hands.  I can still hear the “oooooooh” of the crowd as Thunder THANKFULLY caught the ball inches from this poor kid’s head.  He handed the kid the ball, he was thankfully oblivious.  I went and hid behind the hoop, embarrassed beyond belief.  

Ever had a mascot look at you in complete disbelief?  I have.  That was brutal.  I was done shortly after, by choice, nobody besides the mascot even knew what had happened.  But I felt so bad.  Thunder, if you’re reading this, I owe you one buddy. 

Rating: 3/5

Thanks for reading!  I hope this was enough to entice you to get the book when it's complete.  Have a great weekend. 

Jeff Kleeman

One Crazy Summer

 

Did I lift the title from the underrated John Cusack/Demi Moore classic from the 80's!?  Yes!  For a dude that turned 40 this year, I have had one insanely weird summer.  

Is it job related?  Yes, when isn't it job related?  I'll tell that story some other time though, there's more important things to discuss than that.  I write my kids an email roughly every quarter, all the happenings of their life, mine and Heather's and the world.  The idea to write a blog about this summer came to me as I was typing "and then I had a vasectomy".  

So far this summer I have:

- as I said above, I had a vasectomy.  I recommend it to all that are debating getting one.  I had a great doctor, there is a great story though.  I had it scheduled for June, the day before the appointment I get a call from a number I don't recognize.  It's the doctor, he cut his hand with a hedge trimmer.  The day before the appointment.  I'm not entirely terrified, but I am hesitant about the procedure.  It went fine, you're in pain for a few days.  Big tip, if you're a stomach sleeper, you're in for some awful sleep, as I can't sleep on my back for the life of me.  

Also with my luck, I was one of the 4% that had an issue after, but it was entirely fixable and I'm fine.  9/10 recommend getting one.

- we took a family vacation to Colorado that made me want to move to Colorado.  I say this with no hesitation.  If my wife got a job offer in Denver tomorrow I'd be packed up the next day ready to go.  We all loved Denver.  I always gave crap to my friend Amanda who is from there, she said it's the best place ever, yeah sure blah blah blah.  Damn it, if she wasn't right, it was an almost perfect family vacation.

We stopped through Kearney, NE on the way, then stayed at North Platte that night.  We had a blast at an arcade with the kids, then set off for Denver to do all the things you would do when you have kids in Denver.  Children's museum, aquarium, science museum and a Rockies game.  The food was great.  My best friend from grade school, Brady, lived there so our families got to meet.  Our good friend Corryn was randomly in town, so we bought $100 worth of pasta that we maybe only ate $8 worth.  They had cool shops that sell things that should be legal.  9.5/10.  Kids had a meltdown on the last day, which honestly, only one meltdown, screw it, 10/10.

- my amazing son turned 3 and my daughter graduated preschool, twice, in the same week.  My son got to have his 3rd birthday in Denver which was awesome.  He got pancakes and a song for breakfast.  A Rockies game where he got a stuffy he named Rocky.  And a great dinner with Brady and his family where he got a really awesome dessert.  The following week he had a party at a place with a bunch of padding and a zip line, he's awesome, he's worth it 10/10

The two graduations were literally back to back, as my daughter went to a daycare AND a preschool.  The daycare one was great considering it was put on by two teachers who announced that day they were quitting.  Noticeable gasps in the audience, but the manager of that place is garbage so I see why they quit.

The preschool I will recommend to any and all to have their kids in Lincoln go to.  It was great to see Zoe graduate and move on to the next chapter of school.  10/10

- had my 20th (22nd due to covid) high school reunion.  It went well!  I planned it with Brady, it was maybe discussed for 3 minutes when we met in Colorado and a lady named Kelsey who was the mayor of the town we lived in and a general rock star.  We got maybe 30-40 of our class to show up?  High estimate?  Not sure, but it was great to catch up with people, some I hadn't seen in almost 20 years.

If everything is on track, we will have our 25th reunion in literally 3 years, so that could be a thing, hopefully we get more people this time.  Things I learned that day:

1. McDonald's has a rule in that town where you can't order lunch until 11 AM.  I pulled up to the drive thru at 10:58 AM, so I had to drive around and wait to order.

2. Vermillion, SD has an awesome adult arcade that I wish was there when I lived there.  There is also one person who drives an Uber/Lyft in Vermillion and only does it when she feels like it. 

3.  The bar scene is almost exactly the same as when I was in college.  Pregame at a bar called Leo's, go dance at Char.  Older people hang at Carey's.  Pub is fine every now and then.  Varsity is for old people who like beer.  

4. Trying to fit everything into one night is impossible.  It was great to catch up with my class.  My friend group is also in Vermillion and I got to see them for roughly 10 minutes that night which put a damper at the end of the night.  There's more to the story, but it is what it is.  The reunion 9/10.  The damper 0/10.  

5. Vermillion has some crazy stories.  It was insane to come back and hear whatever town gossip was going on.  It was a nice reminder of one of the reasons we moved, I love the town but holy shit.  Also our old house, the person who bought it ruined all of the hard work of my landscaping. Drama stories 7/10.  Landscaping 1/10.

6. Special thanks to my aunt and uncle for watching the kids during Part 1 of the reunion.  They still talk about the farm, you two will be amazing grandparents.  Special thanks Part 2 to a last minute watching of our children by our friend Lindsey's kid.  Childcare 10/10

- my daughter had a super hero dance recital.  Heather was gone on a girls trip that was sadly planned during the exact weekend our daughter had a dance recital.  I learned how to do hair in a bun for this event.  I did not learn how to do makeup.  Special thanks to our children's doctor for coming to help and for my mom that assisted with eyebrows.  My daughter crushed it.  10/10

- saw some concerts because I missed the hell out of concerts.  Chrvches I hope to never have to spell ever again, but great band.  Third Eye Blind was also great, thanks to Pancheri for that hook up.  Coming up we have some debates on concerts, everything from Incubus to Ja Rule, hello 2002!

Chrvches: 8/10 they were great  Third Eye Blind 8.5/10  

- gotten a rough case of covid.  COVID SUCKED.  I woke up one night cold as hell, I thought it was because I was wearing a tank top of Stefon from SNL and I never wear tank tops.  So I put on a shirt and woke up drenched, thinking it was because I put on a shirt.  Then I had a headache.  And I was freezing again.  And I had that weird thing with your mouth when you get covid and...I got covid.  And it sucked.  That day was the hottest day of the summer and to get outside for a minute I watered the plants wearing a hoodie.  

It was a waiting game at that point as my wife was planning some sort of surprise party for me.  I had no idea where, I thought it was going to be to San Francisco to get a tour of Levi's Stadium.  That was what I settled on.  It was not, I'll get in to that next.

Each day I was getting better, luckily the 5th day was our trip.  In between was hectic.  Did we have my in-laws watch the kids?  Luckily they came, I masked the entire time they were here.  I also worked the entire time with covid, for the second time this year, since I worked from home it was doable, it was awful but doable.  What made it harder were covid regulations with daycare where a kid can't go if they are exposed SO I WORKED WHILE HAVING COVID WHILE WATCHING KIDS.  

To say the surprise trip was something I was very excited about was an understatement after how exhausted I was.  Also I had tickets to pro wrestling that I had to give away.  Anybody reading this knows how much that hurt me considering that week it came out Vince McMahon had given hush money to women he had affairs with and since he was an asshole who doesn't really care he actually appeared here in Lincoln.  Dammit.  I watched it on TV, it wasn't the same. 

Covid -1,000/10  Missing wrestling, same.  

- had a surprise 40th birthday party in Las Vegas.  My wife is a rock star.  I had no idea it was in Vegas or if any friends were coming.  Again, I thought it was going to be in San Francisco.  So when we got to the airport and randomly bumped in to Pancheri, I honestly thought nothing of that, the dude is in Vegas all the time.  So we made plans to get a dinner later.  Then I was gambling and all of a sudden David and Gina Coley walked out?  What?  So we sang Kelly Clarkson by a bar and I was stoked.  Then I saw Beach texted my wife.  Why on earth was Beach texting my wife?  OH HE WAS IN TOWN!?  No way!  And he brought Kelly!?  That's fantastic.

We had a great night at a lounge restaurant, where we somehow sat for 3 hours.  I also live to make Beach laugh at stupid shit, so I randomly tried moving people's candles on their tables as we left.  Epic fail on the 2nd one when I dropped it lol.  

The next day was a rented poolside spot at a very loud pool.  It was 100% awesome.  It was funny to see TIk Toker and Instagram people out in the wild doing selfies.  As I was standing there Brad randomly showed up, who played me like a rube.  He was playing it off that he wouldn't make it and I bought it hook, line and sinker. 

It was a great party and I'm very thankful for all of those who made it.  I also woke up that morning to everyone who couldn't make it texting me.  It was a mix of oh okay that's fine and oh so that's why you couldn't make it?  But I'm not gonna lie, if Craig had made it I would've lost my absolute shit and cried.  

That night we went on a really cool food tour that made all of us so full we couldn't finish the damn dessert, a regret I still live with.  

The final day of Vegas was super underrated.  We went to one of those sneaker stores that has literally every Jordan or cool shoe hanging up with saran wrap around it.  We also went to a candy store that had a bar and drank some candy themed drinks, something Brad and I have to do every time we're on a trip apparently, well that and have deviled eggs.  

We capped the night with some delicious sushi and then went to an awesome show that Brad got us tickets for.  We slept for approximately 2 hours and just like that, we were home.  I turned 40 that day we got back and I truly felt it. 

The surprise 10/10  My wife 10/10  The people who made it 10/10  Roe v Wade Civil Court Bullshit the first morning 0/10 

- my daughter started kindergarten and my son started preschool, making me oddly sentimental or emotional with turning 40 during the same summer.  Yup.  All of this.  We're very proud parents of our kids.  Our daughter already does piano, soccer, dance, swimming and she's embraced it all.  We'll never overwhelm or force her to do too much, so if she's done with any, yeah sure, but she is crushing all of that and then starting kindergarten?  Rock star.

Our son is in swimming, gymnastics and really wants to start soccer and I have an inkling he wants to be a drummer.  And now he is starting preschool and learning so much.  Rock star.  

I actually pulled them from their daycare at the end of June and had our awesome neighbors two girls watch them at my home while I worked.  I'm 100% glad I got the opportunity to hang with them all summer before such big events in their life.  Now they are off for their own crazy experiences and we can't wait to see all of it.  

My kids 10/10  This summer 10/10  The sudden realization that I'm 40 and got old seemingly overnight 8/10

- oh and I FINISHED MY BOOK!  The book is DONE.  I'm now going through looking for errors, tabulating each person that's in it for a "Cast of Characters" chapter and adding any missing stories I may have forgot about.  It should 100% be done by the end of September and I'm really hoping to get it on Amazon publishing by winter.  If you're reading this, there is a 75% chance you're in the book and a 99% chance you know at least a few of the stories.  

As a treat, since I get paid to write this blog now, thanks Google, I will drop one more teaser at the end of the week with two-three stories.  The creation of Jock Jams and The Mermaid seem good, the other will be a surprise, maybe how Pancheri saved Rat Pack?  We will see.  

Thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman