Do People Still Read?

 

I haven't written a blog in months.  I've tried, but I haven't.  Between kids, work, reading Dungeon Crawler Carl and trying to keep in shape...I HAVE NO TIME!  So, I've collected some of my random thoughts from the past few months and compiled them all into this one post.  As the kids say, LFG!

- I sound like a real Donut!  "That's for you Crawler fans out there"

- do kids even say LFG anymore?  Gen Z.  I got some issues with Gen Z, I'd express them here, but I don't want to sound like a crotchety old man.  But also, Gen Z doesn't really read or know how to read. I've seen their posts and how they text.

- Okay 2% of Gen Z, the ones reading this, you some real ones.

- I can't say lol anymore btw?  GTFO

- If I say lol, I'm laughing 1/4 of the time.  If I say LOL, all caps, I'm laughing maybe 3/4 of the time.  If I put ROFL, 0% laughter.  And if I type ha at the end my sentence, I'm using it to awkwardly insert a word there in text that doesn't need to be there, ha. 

- Nighttime is overwhelming these days with kids.  They go to bed at 9 in the summer which gives myself and my wife 1-2 hours to fit in: working out, watching a show/movie, talking, reading Dungeon Crawler Carl.  I don't know how parents who let their kids stay up late get anything done.

- Maybe by waking up early?  But I say this with all sincerity.  Fuck that. 

- I don't know how people have more than 2 kids.  How are you going to give each kid the time they deserve, as well as get them in activities/make it to all of their things.  It's too much.  Then get alone time to not watch a show?  Ha.

- Max 2 kids to those of you reading this debating on children.  Just call me China, cuz 2 is perfect.

- Does China still do that?

- Where our country is the opposite.  More people for low paying work!  

- Speaking of movies/TV shows, I never thought I'd be the person to watch them in shifts...but here we are.  Shift watching is weird, continuing a story halfway through feels wrong but it's the only way I finished Dune or Oppenheimer.  

- There's a THIRD Dune coming, FML.  I just hope they don't have a sequel to Oppenheimer!  

- JK, there's definitely a sequel to Oppenheimer coming, give them a few more months.  LOL

- I can't say lol anymore?  GTFO

- Worst sports parents in order is:

1. Baseball

2. Football

3. Soccer

4. Everything else (I'm going to assume Wrestling is somehow number 4, I've seen the vids of some garbage parents at meets.)  Safest sport for kid's parents, I gotta assume fencing!

- Getting in my 40's has given me an amazing superpower though, I can fall asleep any time.  I have passed out at a luau, at John Wick in a theater, I can take on the world...one nap at a time.  

- It's tht second craziest power I've gotten in my 40's after power to grow hair in places that shouldn't have it.

- New music sucks btw.  No new good rap.  Or rock.  I always wanted to stay hip and with it with new music.  But there's not much good besides some alt and some pop.  Or soda as some call it...

- LOL, GET IT!?  SODA!?

- I can't say LOL anymore, GTFO

- If you told me at 24 that Facebook sucked, I would've thought you were crazy.  That place was for college kids only, you needed a college email.  It was the life.

- I only keep FB for work, and my ego rush of the birthday wishes.  Snapchat and Insta I'd get rid of but there are some people who only interact with me on those apps.  If only there was a device for calling and/or texting that was just as useful........

- EDITORS NOTE: I have gotten rid of Instagram.  I now have gotten rid of Twitter, Threads, Insta, next is Snap or Tik Tok.  The only thing that has changed, less cosplay thirst traps.  

- Don't you dare judge me.

- I have seen people on Facebook do posts about their besties who they have personally texted me about saying they no longer like.  Or hate.  Or they hate their spouse, or both.  And then I delete their friend and a year later they are still pretending to like each other.  What is the ever-loving fun in that?  Just stop being around people who make you unhappy.

- Why share a picture of you celebrating a friendship that doesn't exist.  One of the numerous things the boomers got lucky with is if you moved away or lived far from each other, you no longer needed to pretend to be friends.  

- Here come the texts asking who I'm talking about.  I'll tell you.

- If people still read.

- I was in a group chat for the longest time.  And this guy was in it who made fun of EVERYBODY.  That's his life.  He's a horrible person. You know what I did? Cut him out, super easy.  

- Fast food prices.  Too damn high btw, it's cheaper to eat at Chili's than it is to get McDonald's.  McDonald's is trash, delicious, great trash. Stop pretending to be someone you're not.  We already have people doing that on social media. 

- I started this blog 3 months ago btw.  That's how stupid time is.  

- I wrote the above a month ago.  

- And I wrote the above a week ago!  This is how I finish my media, that's how I'll write my blogs from now on.

- Driving is so much worse now.

- I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel since 2016 people have felt that they have the ability to be rude or mean people with no consequences...I just don't know how that coincides with anything that has happened in the last 10 years...

- No lol for that one....

- Okay fine, lol.

- I won't do that joke again, I swear!

- Nickelback is good now, wtf happened?

- Speaking of music, we just kinda gotta sorta pretend they aren't real people now right?  Just listen to the music and move on.

-Kanye I'm looking at you!  Michael Jackson.  Don't even get me started on Diddy... or Fiddy.  All just kinda sorta awful people who made some bangers.  We're in trouble if the most sane was is legit Eminem.

- If you have a large family and you're having a kid, and you plan to name that kid the same name as another kid in the family, just send a quick text. Or message.  It's your life, you do you.  But it's also unbelievably unfair to the originally named kid.  It's also tacky as all hell.

- Doubling down, super tacky.

- Speaking of kids names.  No more unneeded letters in the name.  We don't need Erin to be spelled Airin.  Get bent. Figure it out. 

- This one will get me super heat. I don't like the summer anymore.  Last place.  I don't get the summer off, so what do I enjoy about being hot and sweaty all the time?  I can't go to the pool all afternoon.  I can't survive off of freeze pops for sustenance.  I get mosquito bite reactions that rival a tumor on my face.  The 4th of July went from being a 1–3-day holiday to my neighborhood doing it for an entire week.  

- Kids don't even get a summer break anymore anyway, they get like 2 1/2 months.  Get bent.

- School also shouldn't start until Labor Day is over.  

- Also, teachers should be paid more...I'm gonna end this blog before it gets crazier.

- One last thing. Let's bring back "get bent".  Make Get Bent great again.  

- I think my next blog will be my inner voice thoughts throughout a day.  But we'll see how much this blog gets me in trouble. Cuz I feel I'm there.  

- If anyone reads.

- Jeff

Family Movie Night: The Goonies

 

The last time I did a blog was under a year ago...what's happened since then!?  Any news!?  I decided not to blog after, again, maybe 4-5 fully written blogs last year that just...sigh...we won't even get in to it.  I want to enjoy writing again and for now...this is the way.  

My last blog was Space Jam, so it only took a year for me to institute family movie night at my household and what better way to force feed my favorite movies growing up to my children then to start with the Goonies.  Also, man did I miss run-on sentences in my blogs!  I wanted to blog again, but not talk about current events or how I feel about them...so I'm just going to rewatch movies for a while with my kids and enjoy time.  

If you read my Space Jam review last year, you can skip to the next paragraph. If you didn't here is the piece (Space Jam), and here is the premise...I like to be super realistic about movies when I watch them.  It's for the comedy, I completely understand it's just a movie, but the Goonies literally takes place in one day and Chunk already asked Sloth to move in with his family after literally no interaction with him...he has been CHAINED!  Literally every movie you watch is like a week...tops (at some point I will review the absurdity of Star Wars...a 5/5 movie but it's like 3 days!).

So, let's start!  A top 10 all-time favorite movie of mine...The Goonies!

The movie begins just how all children's movies should start.  With a supposed suicide!  Hilarious!  I also love the two brothers are in so many other movies I grew up watching.  Robert Davi when I was a kid I legit thought was Ben Stiller...don't ask.  And Joe Pantoliano is a legend.  

Kerri Green, the red head, clearly I had a crush on as a child, but on this rewatch...a new crush develops, stay tuned!

Also to make it completely about me, if this movie were to cast me in it, I'm 100% Mouth, complete with amazing Purple Rain t-shirt.  

So far...the kids are okay, I do have some concerns about them being scared later on, let's see how this goes!

The Truffle Shuffle as a kid was hilarious, as an adult with kids and sometimes feelings, I feel bad for the guy!  Just a kid...kind of overweight...having to do some demeaning dance in a huge movie.  

Chunk is a lawyer now in real life and skinny...so hopefully he's making some nice Goonies residuals and crushing at life.

The kids just laughed at the dick on the statue falling off.  I really hearty laugh at that...so far this is going well!

Brand (Josh Brolin) works out like mad constantly in this movie. Someday he will become Thanos and snap away half of the population.

New crush alert, Mikey's mom.  Over Andi for sure.  We'll get in to our Andi issues soon.

Is it Andy or Andy?  Oh well...you know who I'm talking about.

Corey Feldman making drug jokes to the housekeeper in retrospect...not surprised he knew so much about them.  

Hearty laugh number 2 by my kids, Mouth putting his tongue in the art work.  My wife even laughed hard.  I need to reconsider my humor with the kids ASAP.

Troy is an absolute fuck.  Attempted murder off the bat with Brand and trying to have his rearview mirror look under Andi's skirt, that mirror is for driver safety buddy!

I absolutely know who Troy grew up to vote for...I had to sneak one in, tell me when I'm telling lies though.  Which I never understood where we got where we did.  If you watch these movies, the bad guys are absolute horrible dipshit assholes.  And they now run the country.  Sigh.

Troy's dad is the absolute worst too.  It rains too much up there for golf anyway.

Side story, I've been to this town.  I have been in the pizza place where Chunk sees the police chase.  It is a dreary ass town.  

Back to the movie, Sloth is just introduced...that poor guy.  Where was child services!?  Instead of money to build a golf course, maybe take those funds elsewhere and help the Sloths' of the world.  He is literally CHAINED!

Also, if you have a doctor spouse, anything medical in a movie that is wrong she will bring up, today I learned Mikey uses that inhaler too much and he needs to be put on better meds.  They also shouldn't be living in that climate so maybe they should build the golf course.

Data is my favorite in this whole movie and I'm so glad he got a career resurgence later in life.  

Andi is wearing Troy's sweater but is constantly eye boning Brand.  Let's figure out her daddy issues ASAP.  Also her friend is prettier when her face isn't getting in the way (that's a quote from the movie don't jump on me!).  She's the nice friend who always gets ignored cuz her friend puts herself out more.  Character wise, in 10 years Andi has had 2 kids and is on husband number 2.  Stef is going to be a happily married doctor, whose spouse is someone like me...Mouth.

Troy is reading Guns & Ammo on the toilet.  Come on...IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!!

The fact these kids made it as far as they did is a miracle.  They are pulling strings out of the ground.  Narrowly missing booby (booty) traps.  Playing with dynamite.  I'm an 80's/90's kid...the best genre of people on the planet btw...we grew up tough, but playing with dynamite is a choice.

You know what else is a choice!?  Chains!?  Sloth is out of them now.  He's a good dude, RIP to the actor who played him after I just googled what he was up to.  

My absolute favorite scene in the movie.  They are going to leave via the wishing well...but Andi decides to stay behind.  Troy what he believes to be Andi up, but it is just his stupid coat she left behind...but here's the question.  HOW MUCH DOES HE THINK ANDI WEIGHS!?  Seriously!?  Is she like pounds to him!?  Come on...IT'S RIGHT THERE PEOPLE!

My kids are doing great.  My son only put a blanket over his head when Sloth was introduced, but he was fine with the bullet in the head of the freezer guy.  I have more questions than answers right now. 

My daughter LOVES pointing out how stupid these kids are.  I have heard her say "C'mon dude!" like 30 times...29 of them were warranted...Chunk deserved that ice cream.

The Fratteli's (band wise, go listen to The Frattelis - Chelsea Dagger).  Who screwed the mom.  Did she steal the kids?  If this was made now, we'd get a straight to streaming prequel within 6 months.  I want these answers.  

So, does Chunk's mom just accept that Sloth is going to live with them?  Is there room!?  Does he have night terrors?  What' is his age.  His IQ?  There's a lot of pain behind those misshapen eyes.  

The dad is so trusting of those jewels at the end he just rips up that contract.  Like, is he going to just pay off his debt in jewels!?  What's the exchange rate on Willie's gold!?

Andi is too comfortable making out with Brand in front of their parents.  You're still in high school...wait like 5 minutes.  Speaking of which she kisses Mikey earlier thinking he's Brand...no way, nuh uh, that girl knew what she was doing.  Fuck off Andi. 

Clearly the ship will be stopped by the government after this...there's no way that ship even gets remotely close to international waters.  They are taking all of that booty for themselves and the irony is they will use that money to spend even more to tear down all of their houses for an even bigger golf course loaded with Guns & Ammo magazines.  

And that's the Goonies!  We end with the bop by Cyndi Lauper - The Goonies R Good Enough.  That song is AMAZING and it has been in my head for 2 days since I watched the movie.  

The Goonies is still 5/5 on the movie scale. It's a classic.  The end.

I'm debating what to do for the next movie, but I am heavily debating Austin Powers or Star Wars. This was really fun so I'm definitely not taking 11 months to write another blog again.  

Jeff 

Space Jam

 

It's been since December of 2023 since I've written a blog, what's happened in the year and a half between in the world!?  Anything!?  I thought I would change it up a little, there's only so much blogging you can do about how you disagree with how stupid people are, so I'm going to watch movies and review them, writing down what I think as it happens.  Today, we're doing the 1996 classic, Space Jam.  

We're starting off hot!  With the "unproblematic" R. Kelly playing in the background right off the bat while the also... "unproblematic" James Jordan is rebounding shots for his son, young Michael Jordan.  I'm legit currently reading "Michael Jordan: The Life", I chose an awful time to see anything that has to do with his dad.  

My daughter asked me why are the opening credits just Michael Jordan highlights...honestly, I could watch just Michael Jordan highlights for an hour and twenty minutes.  That'd be no issue for me.  That's already one hour and ten minutes longer than LeBron's longest highlight reel (warning: I like LeBron, he has the best CAREER of any NBA player ever...but there will be many LeBron jokes in this). 

Bugs Bunny gets top billing in this movie which has always been hilarious to me.  Did his agent want equal billing with Michael or what?  Did David Falk (MJ's agent) just let this slide!?  

The Space Jam song by the Quad City DJ's is a legitimate bop and it's better than their only hit, The Train...I said it.  The Space Jam soundtrack is a legit 5/5 perfect soundtrack, it has it all!  A collection of rapper's rapping about Hitting Them High, then Hitting Them Low.  It has Seal covering Steve Miller.  It has a Basketball Jones cover where Chris Rock, Chris Rock's it.  It has a song Believing You Can Fly by a cult leader AND it has a song called Buggin' written by Jay-Z but rapped by Bugs Bunny.  Google that last sentence...I'll wait.  

Okay you're back!  Yeah, Jay-Z wrote a Bugs Bunny rap.  Welcome to 1996!

We're now to the Shawn Bradley think piece of this movie and I'm 4 minutes in.  Why was he in over Hakeem Olajuwon or David Robinson!?  You're building the best players and you just go for the tallest Mormon you can find?  Was there too much violence in this for David Robinson or what!?  More thoughts on the lineup later, I know this because I've seen this movie more than I'd care to admit. 

Also RIP Shawn Bradley.  

Four people wrote Space Jam.  Four.  And the director, Joe Pytka didn't direct a movie for 21 more years.  WTF.  Quick thought, that director did magic here. He got a dude who can't act to carry a movie with cartoons characters and Newman.  But seriously, FOUR WRITERS!?

I also want to know the timeline this movie was written.  MJ retired in the summer of 1993, he went and played baseball in 1994...came back to the NBA spring of 1995 and this movie came out in 1996.  So if you believe that he was legit secretly suspended for gambling, did Warner Brothers and the NBA in the meantime go in to cahoots and have the screenplay mirror what was going to happen in real life to create the highest grossing basketball movie of all time?!  Go ahead...look it up, I'll wait. 

LeBron could never.

Speaking of NBA conspiracies Patrick Ewing is in this, they froze that envelope so he'd be the number 1 pick for the Knicks, so who is to say that they didn't force MJ to "retire" then come back and make the best movie of all time since The Godfather 2.  

Back to the commercial...sorry, "movie"!  It starts with MJ playing baseball, let's discuss this for a second.  The dude played an entirely different sport until his 30's, went and played baseball, AA baseball at that and still hit over .200?!  LeBron could never.  Hitting a ball any athlete will say is the hardest thing in the world and this dude went to AA against future pros and minor league veterans and still hit over .200 which most major leaguers can't do now!?!?  MJ is the goat.  LeBron could never. 

Also, he left baseball then months later dropped over 50 at MSG against the Knicks so...yeah.  Goat.

Muggsy Bogues being in this is fun, but they took the shortest and the tallest (Bradley) players in this just for the movie.  If we're being realistic about this you're taking John Stockton or Gary Payton at this point to play...point.  I'd even argue Nick Van Exel.  Again, more thoughts later.  

Also Muggsy I think is in this only because MJ was so harsh in calling him a midget it legit ruined his career, so now he gets royalties from being in Space Jam.  That's my third conspiracy theory and we're like 20 minutes in. 

A player lost all his confidence just because MJ made fun of him, let that soak in....LeBron could never.

So MJ's home in this is an unguarded family home in the only nice part of Birmingham, Alabama.  That is the least believable part of this movie...a movie that has aliens try to take over the world by playing Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes in basketball and Michael's house is just not up to snuff (also that there's a single nice place in Birmingham...that is also not believable).

Also no security!?  His only security is Newman from Seinfeld...did they expect nothing bad to happen!?!?

Off topic, which child of his grew up to be caught with cocaine, I hope it wasn't Jeff!

Off topic part 2, when I was 8 I saw a basketball card with Michael Jordan's name, his middle name is Jeffrey.  That is legit why I chose him as my favorite player ever.  That and the cool Nike commercials.  I didn't know he'd be the best or tied for the best basketball player of all time when I was 8.  This story nobody believes, yet they believe that Michael Jordan and a team of Looney Tunes can beat aliens for control of the world. 

The voice of Homer Simpson and the wife of Ray from Everybody Loves Raymond being courtside in this is so random.  Was Marge Simpsons busy!?  Was Ray Barone working!?  Did these two actors randomly date!?  I got to Google this.  Just wait...

No they didn't...why is this happening?!  Couldn't they have gotten someone big at that time for a cameo?  Cindy Crawford?  Pamela Anderson?  Kato Kaelin!?

Danny Ainge has range, and I'm not just talking about his basketball shooting.  What an actor!  "COME ON MAN GET BACK ON D!!!!"

Vlade Divac and Cedric Ceballos were masking up in this movie to protect themselves from losing their health, health that was being stolen from the other NBA players...could we not have played this movie for anti-vaxxers/maskers to show why that is important?!  That might have changed a lot of minds.  Kleeman for president...if we ever get a new one ever again.

Back to the movie!  Bill Murray, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan golfing outing.  I hate golfing...legit I hate it.  But if I was to be asked to go along on that trip, I'm leaving immediately, as fast as it took MJ to get abducted by the Toons down that hole.

I looked up the almost cast in this, Chevy Chase and Michael J Fox turned down Newman's role and Gheorge Muresan who is famous for being tall and in a Snicker's commercials ALSO turned this down.  Wow.

Also, Golf Jam and Skate Jam were almost things and I have to question why they weren't!? Tiger Woods at his height in Golf Jam, MJ would've done that cameo over Space Jam 2 in a second.  Skate Jam!?  It'd be like Gleaming the Cube but with cartoons.  I'm all in on these, come on WB!!!

We all wanna bang Lola Bunny right!?  Why is this happening!?  What are these feelings and why did they make her like this!?  She has to be a hot bunny to be good at basketball!?  

Oh, if that offends you I have bad news for you, turn on the news.

Also the Space Jam website is still up, go check it out.  I'm doing a new thing with my blogs where I'm not putting in too much work, so just go to another browser and look for it.  I will no longer link things.

Okay, it's game time...before that though let's get in to the rotation for the Monstars.  Ewing, Barkley and Grandmama Larry Johnson are all fine choices.  Big front line, then you add in Bradley!?  Then Bogues is your point....not one of them has any outside shooting so they must've been expecting a bruising, low scoring game.  But this is 1996 so if I'm forming the perfect team at that time?  Let's go with Payton for point guard, Clyde Drexler for my shooting guard (could go Reggie Miller here too), small forward I neeeeeed some outside scoring so Glen Rice is there (but if it's Reggie we're putting in Scottie Pippen for defense and a future 1 on 1 for dating his wife) just for some buckets, not for Rice's defense, then we have Barkley and Ewing already so we're good there, you could argue having Karl Malone and Hakeem or Robinson...OR SHAQ but Shaq had to go make crap movies (except Blue Chips, that movie is the shit).  

Also on the billing, MJ and Bugs up top, but the true star of this is Daffy Duck.  Steals the show in every scene, has Danny Ainge range in sports and acting.  He's great.

Fun parenting hack I stole from this movie, the Bugs Bunny water legit works when my kids are playing sports.  It's all mental, they had the heart to win this game the whole time!

Bill Murray coming back for a last second assist wearing a St. Paul Saint's hat is an underrated hat choice.  He's a better number 2 than Scottie Pippen. I SAID IT!

Toon Squad wins!  Kisses everywhere, I love the rabbit ear implications that Bugs Bunny is erect, again, are we all supposed to F Lola Bunny!?

The end of the movie is maybe the most unrealistic part.  Michael Jordan would not have given the powers back, especially to Muggsy.  But he did come back to win 3 straight titles for the second time in a row...LeBron could never.  

After 1998 we will just pretend he that he never went back to sports and played for another team (the Wizards....sigh) randomly for 2 years, then buy another team and be completely god awful at running it (the Bobcats/Hornets) and he definitely never had a Hall of Fame speech that made me cringe so hard I had to stop watching and he definitely, definitely did not get a Hitler mustache at any point (brave choice, would be better suited now I guess for a Tesla ad)...we're just gonna pretend he rode off in to the sunset in 1998 and was just an ambassador for the game.  And maybe he made the Space Jam sequel that would've brought us in to the world of Space Golf and Space Skate....

I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYYY

That's it!  That's the first one of these and I actually enjoyed writing this so that's neat.  I think I'll do one of these again, if you actually read this, maybe comment what movie I do and I'll abide. Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

Random Thoughts Vol. 25

I had an idea for about 38 different blogs..okay I'm lying...36.  But none of them are really wow'ing me at the moment.  But I wanted to write, because I like to write...so I thought I would just put all of these ideas into one blog in an idea that I've clearly done 36 times before...okay, 34 times before.  So here we go another Random Thoughts!

Random Thoughts 31 Part 8

We're binge watching Suits right now.  How is it when this originally aired nobody gave a shit about it, but it drops on Netflix I get literally 8 different people in a span of 2 days telling me to watch this show?  It's good, it's just not Mad Men/Game of Thrones/Breaking Bad good.  It's more in that Dexter/Californiacation...any shitty show on Showtime territory of occasionally great, mostly average...and sometimes awful shows.  Anyways, go watch Suits!

Being a parent, I can see how every generation before us was like "it'll go too fast!".  It does...sort of.  It can go insanely slow sometimes, but that's when you're not doing anything.  But we have approached busy season and I swear, tomorrow will be Christmas.  We got 2 kids.  Both at the age you should have them in things, so piano, swimming, practice piano, soccer, practice soccer, soccer practice, dance, soccer and dance the same night, school function, and birthday party...oh my god the birthday parties!  So many!  We legit were invited to a birthday party where my kid didn't even know the person.  

So when someone says it goes by fast, it's only because you're busy....because when it goes by slow, parenthood is can sometimes be pure hell.  They are learning how to be humans, their emotions are insane, they get cranky and complain and it's loud, especially at birthday parties...oh my god the birthday parties!  So many!  Did I happen to tell you we were invited to a very loud one that we didn't even know the person!?  

Also if I was watching Suits while it originally was airing, I would've been extremely concerned for Megan Markle due to her not being the best actress.  Hoping she could somehow land on her feet...good for her, that's all I gotta say.  That's enough about Suits!

Boomers love milk.  We went on a trip and both sets of parents watched the kids, they did great so this isn't a diss.  But old people, besides thinking everyone is underfed LOVE MILK.  That's it, that's my thought.  Imagine me trying to stretch that idea in to one full blog, WTF was I thinking?!  But seriously, so much milk drank.  So much cereal eaten. All of our coffee creamer over a span of 4 days gone.  The "Got Milk" campaigns were clearly designed to keep us going, but as I've gotten older milk is kinda garbage.  

Also there's nobody really that rootable in Suits.  Okay, enough about Suits!  Besides Donna.  Sort of, she has her moments of sucking.  But she's rootable.  She's fine.  Louis goes in and out of being annoying because the writers seemingly don't know what to do to make a full season...I'm only on season 3 but my god we're in for a long haul.  At least we got Donna.

Getting older...I'm now 41, my body is really starting to hate me.  I get up out of bed too fast, I'm dizzy.  If I stretch something to fix something else, then another body part hurts.  My back always hurts.  I'm tired, even if I've slept.  What we need is a third day of a weekend, to really help with the sanity and to maybe rest my body.  If you couldn't get the gist of it from above, the days fly by way too fast, give us an off day, NFL players get one, why don't we?!

The thing about Donna, she's so smart and attached to Harvey, I just hope she finds happiness.  No spoiler alerts...okay, enough about Suits!  But Donna, the clock is ticking, give up on Harvey.  

This blog has been in my drafts for a month now, can you tell how scatterbrained it is?  Not one of my finest, but thank you for reading.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to write another one of these before the year is over.  Topics I'm thinking of include:

- Seriously, why is Louis written so weird.  He's either pure evil or you feel bad for him.  Does this get better?  Yeah, that's a blog idea.

- By the end of this year, I'll write why I want the 49'ers to win the Super Bowl so bad and I hope to god they are in position to.  Long story short, I'm tired of getting anxiety from a team that doesn't care about me.  Same goes to you Chicago Bulls and Michigan Wolverines, but I'd love to see a Super Bowl win with my kids and my team has come SO CLOSE IN 3 OF THE PAST 4 YEARS!  I just want one.  More.

- What would I do with a million dollars?  That's a fun blog.  

- I wouldn't mind another Inner Voice blog.  My thoughts through a whole day, but by 9 AM it'd have so much profanity and half of it would be complaining about my back, so maybe not.  

Any other ideas?  Drop me a line, comment below, do a smoke signal.  

Thanks for reading.  I'm just glad I finished this blog honestly, it only took forever.

Jeff

Are You Tired!? Do I Have Some Tips For You!

 

Hey there fellow adult!  If you're reading this, it's more than likely you were born before the year 2000.  If you are reading this and you weren't, then get the fuck outta here, what are you doing?  

So I'm tired literally all the time.  Is that because I'm 40?  Because I have 2 kids?  Because I stay up late and wake up early!?  WHO KNOWS!?

What I do know is I looked up some helpful hints and tricks to never be tired again, thanks Google!  So I'm going to share them because clearly they work.  I'm going to post each one in order with my opinion after and if you have any ideas to not feel tired all the time, please let me know, because as soon as I'm not tired all the time I'll be old...older than I am now. 

Here's some tips!

Eat Often

This can't be accurate can it?  Eating will cause me to be less tired!?  Usually it makes me more tired.  Honestly, I just had dinner a few hours ago and I've been fighting sleep since.  Also what am I supposed to eat to not be tired?  I feel that was a misprint and it was supposed to say "Beat Often".  Take that joke as you will but that's gonna keep me up more than eating. 

Get Moving

Yeah clearly moving around is going to make you less tired, but when am I supposed to do that?  I work at a desk or in my car, so maybe I go park my car for a bit and do some laps around the park and get moving.  But it's summer, so then I'm going to get super sweaty.  So am I supposed to go back to work super sweaty?  Okay, sweatier than I do already because it's summer time and I have leather seats and I'm literally drenched in sweat by the time I leave my car after my 20 minute commute?

* public service announcement.  I have a sweat blanket for my car.  What's a sweat blanket you may ask?  It's a blanket I put between my back and my hot leather chair that makes it so I don't get as sweaty.  In other news until I get a car with air conditioned seats, my kids blankets are my savior on a hot summer day...and it's only JUNE!  

Lose Weight to Gain Energy

So I was going to discuss this above, but getting moving is working out.  I enjoy working out.  I legit enjoy running.  Can I find the time to do any of that?  Minus now at 9 PM at night when I should be exercising and not writing a blog about how I'm tired and should be exercising?

When am I supposed to work out by the way?  6 AM in the morning when I'm super tired?  At night when I just want to sit and watch a show or mess around on my phone?  The middle of the day when I have to return to work!?  I already have issues sweating in my car, I don't want to go to work sweating even more.  Also why is all this sweat leaving my body not a work out and helping me be less tired!?  I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

Sleep

Oh yeah, actually SLEEPING!  Sure.  Okay, I'm 40 so when is that happening?  

When I decide to stay up later because I don't want to just work all the time and so I stay up later to watch a show so I don't feel like I just work?  Or is it in the morning when I randomly wake up an hour before my alarm because I have to pee all the time now?  Then I fall asleep and my wife's alarm goes off a half an hour before mine so then I lay there debating whether to go back to sleep or just look at my phone and then I fall asleep only for my alarm to wake me up literally minutes later?!  Or is it when I try to sleep in on the weekends and my kids, who are amazing btw, want me to come hang out with them?  Is it when I try to take a nap but I view naps as something that are amazing but also a waste of my time?  Do I like run on sentences!?

My buddy always said about being an adult with kids he will sleep when he dies, but holy shit man that's pretty fucking bleak isn't it?  Just go sleep man.  

*Ever read those articles where super successful people sleep only 3-4 hours a night?  Fuck those people, amiright!?

Reduce Stress

Did you not read the previous paragraph?  Just on trying to sleep I'm stressed.  What are we going to add now to my stress I can't reduce?  Let's see...

Inflation.  Rising costs.  Climate change.  Scary political climate.  Kids.  Their safety.  Money.  Saving for the future.  Trying to find time to sleep, work, workout, be a parent, a spouse, get alone time, finish a show or complete that video game I've tried to play since 2016.  

Also I'm so old that my shoulder randomly tore and it hurts to scratch my neck now.  To steal a great Seinfeld quote, but putting my name in instead...JEFF'S GETTING STRESSED OUT!

Therapy

I'm not dogging on therapy because therapy is a great and healthy thing, it's why I write, because it's therapeutic.  So I'm moving on to the next topic, but not before I say if I was to see a therapist that I would be more tired because they have quiet soothing voices...unless it's therapy like Gallagher, remember that guy!? 

Get me a sledgehammer and a watermelon please, that'll keep me awake!  Also there's two Gallagher's, they are brothers that are feuding...so now I gotta Google and see what's going on with them.

Cut Out Caffeine

How am I supposed to stay awake!?  NATURALLY!?  True story I didn't like coffee before I met my wife.  I never saw the point in it, it tastes like shit.  10 years later I mean, it's not that bad and I need it to live.  

Soda I always saw the point in.  I love it.  Dr. Pepper, Coke, Cherry Coke, all of it.  Give it to me...minus Pepsi Zero, gross.  So am I going to dabble and have one of those a day?  Yes.  Are you trying to tell me I'm supposed to cut that stuff out?  Did you hear of that old ass lady who drank a Dr. Pepper everyday?  She's still alive...I think.  You trying to tell me she didn't do something right?  How much do you think she slept!?

Drink Less Alcohol

Nope!  Next!

More Water

I do enjoy a good water.  It's the best drink ever...after whiskey...and Dr. Pepper...and sometimes milk but only if you had something chocolate...it's so good...or when you have a slice of pizza and drink some milk, I used to love that.  Now, I'm no longer a milk guy but I'm getting off topic.  Sleep?  Yes.

So there you have it!  All helpful tips that will be sure to make you feel super relaxed and ready to have a great day.  You can thank me later!

Thanks for reading:

Jeff

Oh did you know I wrote a book!?  I'd like to sell more and all of it goes to my kids college fund and if we sell more, like oh a million more maybe it can be a movie and then I can...hold up...the next blog I cast Burying the Past.  Then it essentially will be a cinch for those Hollywood types to get the movie going.  

LET'S GOOOOO!  PS buy the book, link below.  

Burying the Past

I'm 40, Mentally 30, Physically 50: A Blog

 

Lately I've been watching movies that people have been telling me for YEARS to watch.  I had somehow never seen the following:

- Ghost

- My Cousin Vinny

- Roadhouse

- White Men Can't Jump

- Parenthood

- more movies to list that some day I will do a blog on each one I watched...spoiler alert, I don't think I really missed out on much (although the monster truck scene in Roadhouse should be studied for YEARS in any film school, it's a masterpiece.  Actually that's my next blog, reviewing each of the "new" movies).

While watching Parenthood I had two thoughts.  1.  It's really not that funny, it's super depressing.  2.  Steve Martin is about to have a 4th kid in that movie...did you see his picture above!?  He looks 60!  Guess how old he was when they shot the movie?  Go on...guess...

44.  I'm 4 years away from that.  How did our generation decide to age just a little bit better than the previous one?  I see men and women that are 44 now that can easily pass for mid 30's.  Is it the fashion?  Better availability of botox?  Both!?  

So that movie got me to thinking a few things (besides the fact that Mary Steenburger has aged wonderfully, her vs Julia Louis Dreyfus in an ultimate cougar battle, who wins!?).  I started to wonder the above, but I think I figured it out (it's botox and plastic surgery and social media forcing us to all still look young)...so I solved that one.  The second one, where is my mid-life crisis?  

There are a lot of theories to that, but I fell upon a Tik Tok (pre-banned Tik Tok, so if you read this in the future, Tik Tok is an application that steals your information, the only difference is that app is from China stealing your information, while you're probably getting a link to this blog on Facebook or Twitter, apps stealing your information in the good old USA!), this Tik Tok video went in to great length to describe why my generation hasn't had a mid life crisis.  It was quite interesting, clearly we've gone through numerous crises (crisees!?) already, we've also had significantly less wealth built up than the boomer generation who had money saved up enough to go buy a new car or spouse.  

My generation has also grown up a lot different than the ones before and after.  We got to experience rotary phones, dial up connections and everything in our phone.  Video games?  We've had them all, from hooking them up on the back with a screwdriver to playing all of those games on my phone just last night!  Ways to pirate movies?  Covered in every aspect through my life.  Tapes to LimeWire to "redacted".  Music?  Our oldies are still cooler than whatever this generations songs are called.  (Side note, I had a joke about how I'm so old The Next Episode by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg is an oldie...I also had a joke that I'm so old I can fart the beginning seconds in the restroom every morning after my coffee).  Us older millennial's are a weird in-between of the old ways vs the new.  REMEMBER 1-800-COLLECT!?!?  YOWZA!

I think we've experienced so much in such a short time we didn't have time to have a mid life crises.  Or we're aging so differently (and better) than previous generations that our midlife crises will be around age 50.  But by then I'll be so old my main crises will be where do I start when I re-watch all the Marvel movies?  Or when will I finally see Limp Bizkit (0 for 3 this decade, come on Fred!)?  Maybe I'm one of the lucky few who didn't have one?  

Life is pretty crazy now and most if not all of you reading this are around my age, so we're all just trying to navigate a post-Covid world involving work and school and social functions.  Handling kid stuff and figuring out how to have them live their best lives and be involved in as many cool things as they can, BUT at the same time do enough for yourself (like binge watching shows and catching up on dramedy's about parenting from the 80's that you've never seen, oh and staying healthy because cholesterol is a thing now).  Or if you don't have kids, just figuring your shit out.  Because that's life, and life is tough (did I steal that from Parenthood!?).

One last thought on my age, based on the title, turning 40 now is insane.  I don't feel like I'm 40 until I sleep the wrong way on my new pillow.  Then I feel like an old ass 50 year old.  I also have to watch my cholesterol as I stated above, but I could seriously f with some Taco Bell right now.  Listening to music with the windows down I'm cranking some rap or rock but then I get a ringing in my ears.  And I love to drink and go out, but boy do I love having a drink or two at home and being in the house by nighttime.  Those my age reading this who still go hard like I did 10 years ago, my hats off to you...but I'll always remember passing out "early" on a floor and my cousins best friend going "Wow, if Jeff Kleeman knew what he was doing now he would be so disappointed in himself!".  Best quote ever, thanks Spud.  

I will leave you with another quote from my seriously brainy, super cool daughter from this week that really got me, so wise for a 6 year old to say the following: "Remember the years go pretty quickly to 100...now let's go get ice cream!".  Smart kid.  

Thanks for reading and sorry, not sorry, for all the parentheses!  

Jeff

PS Steve Martin is a legend and must be protected at all costs.  Coming next time, movies Jeff watched that are old and he writes about them!

PPS I wrote a book!  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTRPH7RW?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

What's All This To Do Then?

 

I just finished my book, you may have heard!?  So I didn't want to over-promote it but... here is a link to Burying the Past, available now on Amazon!  

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTRPH7RW?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

Finishing the book was a glorious/painful experience.  It's definitely not perfect.  There's stories looking back on that I forgot to put in, the Cory putting out a fire story in particular is a great story and I COMPLETELY FORGOT!  SORRY KAAAAAHHHHH!

There's stories that honestly should've went in that I didn't include because of...reasons, particularly with the two jobs in Lincoln.  The stories are so amazingly weird and bonkers they don't honestly seem real anyway.  You can ask me what they are the old fashioned way, text messaging!

Also with any exes I tried to be super nice, I think I was only mean to like two?  And I can't tell other stories because I am quite happily married, so if you want to hear any of those you can ask me what they are the old fashioned way, calling (text messaging you can screen shot, nope)!

Maybeeeeee if I sell 500 copies of the book, I'll get greedy enough to come out with a deluxe edition or put in a better font size for the older people (I did a 12 font and on the test run I thought it looked fine, so my apologies if you had to get a magnifying glass to read...and no apologies if you work at a magnifying glass plant).  

Now that I finished the book, what do I do with the limited time I had?  Well...what do you think this blog is about!?  Join me as I debate my next route...

- Another Book

Nope!  Never.  Done.  

I have debated writing a screen play for fun.  I attempted one a LONG time ago in college that was called 17 Cent Situation...and it is pretty amazing, but writing a screenplay seems far more complicated than a book and it's not going to end up a movie anyway.

- Binge Some More Shows

I honestly don't know what shows I have left to binge watch besides a handful, those being

* Better Call Saul's final season

* Severance (100% happening this week)

* Curb Your Enthusiasm (I'm on episode 5 of season 1...it's a long task)

OR binge watch some classics such as

* Seinfeld, to see if it's held up

* The Office (sadly I've been doing this, I'm to season's 4 finale, it's held up, but Jim is kind of a dick and Pam is possibly the worst, team Karen)

* Community, also to see if it held up or I built it up in my head as the greatest show ever.

Get In To Politics...AGAIN!

Nope!  I don't want to tie again.  There's no other options, I won't win, I won't lose.  I will have a second tie.  That is my destiny.  Plus have you seen how bad it is on both sides?  No, I'm good.  Unless there's a cool third party that isn't influenced by horrible people with money and decide what happens based on what's right.  

PS Tax churches. 

Exercise!

This I do need to do.  Turning 40 has led to my body hating if I eat burritos 6 days in a row, so add diet in there too...in fact, boom we have a winner!  Only one problem, what is a healthy burrito I can do?  Feel free to text me or comment.  

I think I'm going to maybe do my progression diet-wise on this blog.  Let's see how I do now that you're invested!

*Also I had the following blog idea for a while, but it doesn't warrant a full blog, so I'm throwing in my questioning of parenthood activities. 

I was talking with my coworker last week (was it last week!?) and parenting now is crazy right?  Where am I going with this?  Glad you didn't ask!  I'm going in a few directions.  One direction is schools and other various things only having activities during work hours.  When was all of this decided?  Parent teacher conferences at a preschool during the day!?  A fun run scheduled during the noon hour in a big ish city!?  No, what is this?  

All you parents who do make it, what do you...do?  Stay at home spouse is definitely a job (trust me!  I did it briefly) but if you live in the richy rich part of the neighborhood I automatically assume it's a two household income kinda lifestyle so I'm super confused when one person is a banker and the other either doesn't work or is a part time florist.  It's your parents money isn't it?  

The other thing with parenting and activities, if you have more than 2 kids I feel for you.  There's so many things for them to do you don't get any time for yourself.  We have at no particular time: gymnastics, swimming, dance, piano, soccer and we haven't even gotten to baseball/basketball/football.  That's insane on two levels, time and expense.  I'd like my kids to try everything, but I also see why some of those psycho (sorry, intense) parents force (sorry, focus) on one sport, saves some time and money. 

Basically, the main thing to learn is nothing will ever be perfect as long as you try and the kids don't turn in to jerks.  So far so good on my end!

Thanks for reading...also you may be unsure, but I did just release a book, available here:

Burying the Past

Thanks for reading!  Oh, I forgot to list above with exercise...blogging will be back, ish!  Maybe monthly, depends on my ideas and when they come to me.  Have a great day!

Jeff

PS Next blog is going to be about boomers and why they should have to take a test to be on Facebook.  I just thought of this, it's too good not to do.  

Vertigo or: I'm Dizzy When I Get Up Too Fast and Other Weird Things of Getting Old

 

Getting older has led to the WEIRDEST things.  If you told me when I was 30, that 10 years later the following would happen I would've said you're crazy!  Let's explore:

- As I mentioned in the title, getting dizzy is ROUGH.  Getting up too fast when I hear my kid asking for me in the morning or just getting out of bed has led to some fun mornings.  The things that are happening as I get older are so weird to me.  Dizzy spells.  Being tired literally early in the evenings.  My back ALWAYS HURTS.  

Back to vertigo, I haven't had it in years, then a few weeks ago, boom, dizzy.  Fun fact, I also had a bout of vertigo on the very first TV show I ever hosted, did I hide it well?  Yes.  Was it all downhill from there?  Also yes.  

Quick tip to get rid of the vertigo/dizziness: put your body against a wall, standing up of course...and proceed to tilt your head side to side like the Roxbury Guys, then you're good to go...well that and prescription drugs of course.

- I still watch The Office!?  There is so much content in entertainment it's insane.  We are truly in the golden age of television, with some amazing shows I have yet to partake in.  So I ask you this, why am I still willingly watching The Office!?  

Same with The Simpsons, same if a random Seinfeld is on.  Is it a comfort thing!?  I'm about to binge watch the hell out of Curb Your Enthusiasm, so maybe I'll take a tiny break from watching the same episode of The Office for the 12th time...after the dinner party episode, because it's perfect television.

- They are still making Fast and the Furious movies!?  How are there so little ideas to movies these days?  Hire me and my cousin Brad, we'll whip you up a fun, cheaply made idea that'll make you you're money back and have you leaving the comfort of your living room (or a movie theater, what are those!?) with a smile on your face...or a frown.  Either way hire us, are you listening other Jeff Kleeman!?

Although I am impressed that they tied Tokyo Drift to the 10th (or is it 9th!?  11th!?) Fast and the Furious movie, which, is quite impressive to the large collective of people who were thinking, "I wonder what the gang from the least successful Fast and the Furious movie is up to!?".  Also, where is Bow Wow!?  

- Superhero movies are getting old and repetitive!?  I'm so tired of the amount of content they are putting out.  Back in the day you would watch one of these, there may or may not be a few sequels, then it was done for a few years.  Now we have 2-3 current Batmen, a billion Spider-Men...a lot of average to barely above average Marvel shows and a ton of movies that I have to force myself to watch because I don't want to be lost when Avengers 8 comes out.

Again, give me a low budget, get me my Cowriter, we'll write you another movie starring Eric Rasmussen, boom, money.  

Also, related rant.  Comics were lame when I was a kid, I loved them and now it's cool!?  Not fair.  Rant over.  

- Staring at my phone with my wife at 9:30 PM on a Friday night is enjoyable simply because it's quiet!?  It's so crazy.  10 years ago I was still going out, every so.  Not really the bars anymore, house parties were nice or friend get togethers.  Now it's kinda nice being home on a Friday or Saturday and just....CHILLING.  I do miss the occasional party, I REALLY miss beer pong and I definitely would love a board game night...as long as all of my guests clean up after themselves, don't wake up my kids and leave at a reasonable hour, is that too much to ask!?

Lastly, my book was 100% done, then it was 90% done to fix some things....(thanks Brad!), now it's 100% done again.  I might put the first page on his blog in a few weeks, but that's all leading up to say it's done and I just need to go on Amazon publishing and get things rolling.  Here is the cover of the book, if you know me, it's an old friend!

Look for that book coming up soon.  If you don't mind me, I'm going to stand up now and do some stretches.  Thanks for reading!

Jeff

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is one of my favorite entertainers of all time.  He's one of the few childhood favorites of mine that hasn't gotten cancelled (please nobody send me anything if he has), he made The Jerk which is a top 5 comedy of all time and I recently started Murders in the Building which is a delightful show.  If you haven't watched it, picture a cross between a random PBS show with Martin Short being hilarious and throw in Selena Gomez being Selena Gomez and you got a 4.5/5 show.  

Anywhosers, back to Steve Martin.  I only named this blog "Steve Martin" because I had some fun thoughts on Parenthood...GET IT!?  CUZ HE WAS IN THAT MOVIE!?  So below will be some interesting things I've gathered on being a parent...well maybe a few more things since my last parenthood blog.

ALSO...my book is complete, I'm about to publish it.  I haven't yet because it feels like it's a time consuming process and I'm waiting on my cousin/brother to write my foreword who just had his first kid.  AND with a new job/being a parent and husband/football season/holidays/staring at a wall out of exhaustion, I can barely find time to write this.  That being said, thoughts on parenthood and getting older!

- I have a favorite kids song.  We're lucky because growing up all the kids songs were garbage, minus a few, specifically this one:

One of my best friends recently subjected to me to Danny Go and let me tell ya, that shit SLAPS!  Some quality there.  

- Speaking of these shows, the impatience of my kids is outstanding if a show is buffering or they can't access it.  Now I'm the old man who yells at a cloud when I explain back in MY DAY we only had 36 channels and had to buy or rent VHS or DVD's....even worse we had to wait for a show to air.  We truly lived in prehistoric times having to wait for Doug and Rugrats like we were cavemen.  

- The only thing we had it better than the kids now was when it comes to music.  I've had this conversation with a few people of "Are we old now or does the music actually suck?" and I'm of the belief it's both.  There's very few songs coming out now that are original or good.  If it's Olivia Rodrigo she's taking whatever song or melody was big back then (still good though!) and making hits or Elton John discovered he can just remake his older songs with someone and that gets radio play.  Also Dua Lipa is a robot, that is my next blog, 99 reasons why Dua Lipa is not a real human being.  

- Also, one of the most interesting observations about growing older, our parents didn't have social media.  So I'm guessing a lot of you boomers reading this got to stay in and not really be jealous of anyone going out because you weren't seeing it.  I'm in the interesting "I'm super jealous you get to go out and drink while I"m home with kids but at the same time it's 9 PM and I'm wearing sweatpants eating ice cream and I'm perfectly fine watching Unsolved Mysteries" portion of my life.  

I'd like to meet somewhere in the middle now that my kids are getting older.  I want to go out and RAGE or throw a house party and RAGE while listening to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, but I want to be done by 9:30 or 10:00 PM.  I'm not 35 anymore!  So those reading this, expect an invite of some sort in the near future to my Old Person Beer Pong Tournament, where it starts at 3 PM and ends by 9:00 PM...MAYBE 9:30 PM.  

I elaborated on the following above, but I'm going to revisit this, there is just not enough time in the day either, especially as a parent.  Typical day in one paragraph: woke up by my kid (it's fine, he's awesome and it's now at 6:30 AM!!!  Make breakfast, get them ready, go to school.  Go to work, forget you didn't eat breakfast.  Work.  Pick up kids make them dinner.  They go to bed.  You and your significant other, and I know this is EVERYONE, turn on a show and take your phones out in pure exhaustion.  Sleep.  Repeat.

What I would like to figure out is how to include a work out.  Binge watching a few shows or movies I've had on my list.  I would LOVE to play some video games that I've wanted to beat for a while (I've been halfway through Link to the Past for a good 6 years now....some day), listen to my records, finish some books perhaps?  I had a goal all weekend to play a WWE game and make all my friends in to characters, I haven't touched it...too tired by 10 PM.  I feel a sick day coming upon me cough cough.  (I'm just kidding work!)

- Cholesterol!?  Watching what I have to eat?  What the shit is this?  I just turned 40 which means if I even sniff cheese I'm going to be farting for a month straight.  Eating right, while good for you, is seemingly incredibly hard and boring.  The other thing I struggle with foodwise, when my kids don't finish something I grew up with the mindset that I gotta finish that.  So if we go out and eat and they don't finish that delicious chicken nug or that cheesy, fart inducing pizza I must finish ASAP.  

Parenthood is incredibly rewarding.  Do not get me wrong (kids if you're reading this in the future you're great!).  Just know when my kids get older and they can go and do more things independently, we're gonna have a role reversal and they are going to come home to me and Heather gaming at 1 AM, drinking some Natty Lights while I listen to my 2 Pac vinyl's.  Also I should watch the movie Parenthood, I've never seen it.  Time to add that to my "Movies Kleeman Surprisingly Hasn't Seen" list.  

Hey!  Thanks for reading, it's been a minute.  Next up, HOPEFULLY THE BOOK.  Please buy it, it's really good, I swear.  

Til next time,

Jeff

PS Movies I recently finished I somehow hadn't seen are: Roadhouse, My Cousin Vinny, White Men Can't Jump, Ghost, Point Break...all decent, none I will ever watch again. 

Movies on my list still: Death Becomes Her, Philadelphia, Cliffhanger, Police Academy (Kim Cattrall, Jeff's first crush!), Land of the Lost.  There's more, but if you just read this blog, it's gonna take a while!

Kids Say the Darndest...

It's really great raising two kids who are super curious and ask a lot of questions.  First of all, they haven't been tainted by the world yet, so they are full of wonder and questions such as, "Dad, why is that guys butt sticking out of his pants?".  That was a fun moment at Hy Vee.

Second of all, I'm pretty blunt, but I'm aware of what I can and cannot ask, I absolutely love how blunt kids can be with whatever they say.  They don't care!  They will ask a super awkward question and then move on to watching Gabby's Dollhouse, forgetting they ever asked it.  

Yesterday my daughter asked a question that legit made sense, most of hers do.  So I thought I would tally up a few of her questions and my son's questions into a blog and comment on them.  Let's start with the one that got me to write this blog in the first place:

* note, this isn't one of those super lame blogs where parents lie about their kids quotes, neither have expressed their views on world peace, politics or if Taylor Swift is or isn't overrated.  (She's not, but I can see the argument).  Just some normal questions from two awesome kids.

"Why do you have to pay for school lunches?"

My first reaction was, holy shit, why does anybody have to pay for school lunches?  It honestly should come with school.  But then I got to thinking how underpaid school staff is.  How we have to do donations just to help support a school while legit billionaires are flying a space shuttle into space.  How the education and the societal system is broken, especially when it comes to education and the poor.  Then my head exploded.  

But seriously, I didn't grow up wealthy, but imagine having to not pay for your kid to eat at a place they learn, amazing.  This also goes in to college and how all of their staff is underpaid...but that's for another day.

"Why do kids have to stay home from daycare when they aren't sick?"

I had an entire blog written up about this, but I had to delete it for a few reasons.  I was super angry, which doesn't translate to a good read.  Also I completely understand the risk if a kid "might" be sick.  I oddly helped run a daycare for a few months (my resume is bonkers, I know this.  To learn more about my crazy life, buy my book in November called "Burying the Past"!) so I understand not wanting to close down and refund parents...but....

The system is broken.  Daycare is super expensive.  Most people can't afford it.  Most people can't afford to not have it.  We have the luxury of not being those parents that drop off a sick kid because we have to, but I get it.  But on the same note, people should try to not drop off their kid if they are sick because they get others sick.  They also, not my current daycare, I like this current daycare, but some daycare's didn't have a clue what to do with Covid.  

Kids temp is 100?  Send them home for 2-3 days!  Okay that doesn't affect anything at all work wise, does it?  Our son was sent home from a daycare for having a 99 degree temp in June.  So I had to work from home while our perfectly healthy son was fine.  When I questioned it, the head of the daycare tried to explain to me what a fever was like I wasn't married to a doctor or passed 5th grade science (D's get degrees).  

Quick thing, preschool/daycare teachers and staff should be paid more.  People's jobs SHOULD have a daycare allowance in it.

Basically the first two questions my daughter had involved the education and childcare system and how it's broken.  Perhaps my daughter or son can help change the world in the future and not have a tie in a political race like their dad.  Speaking of which?

Why is that guy so old!?

Okay, only a minor political one, but one that 99% of everyone can agree on.  My son asked this about our president.  Nobody over the age of 65 should be making decisions.  You're done, go drink a margarita and hang with your grand kids, you did your job.  There is no reason anyone should run for any political office at age 88.  

My son is 3 and asked why someone old is speaking on television, clearly he didn't know who it was.  But seriously, what a broken ass system.  Should honestly rename this blog "The System is Broken".  

Why do I have to wake up early every day?

My daughter is learning quick, the answer to this is nobody knows why!  The work day was set Monday thru Friday 8-5 by Satan.  School usually between 8ish - 3 ish?  I'm down for some changes there.  Four day work weeks?  Non Satan hours of 8-5?  Shorter school days where they maximize their learning?  More remote possibilities with jobs, oh, oh, oh!  My favorite question is the next one!

Why are my things during your job?

So a lot of people work without the luxury of being able to pick up and drop off your kids whenever, wherever...Shakira references!  

So my daughter has dance right at 5, that involves working people to leave at 4:30 to get to her after school place on time, then get to dance at 5, but then I gotta go pick up my kid, then go back to the same location to pick up my child when she's done.  Then there's dinner, then whatever small amount of time with them before they go to sleep, then you do the parent thing where you have goals, but stare at a wall or a tv show/phone instead.

Kindergarten training, I'll call it that, was at 9 AM each day, which I worked at 9 AM each day, then it was over at 11:45, so you gotta leave early (I'd also like to throw in I had my vasectomy this week like an idiot, so we dropped her off at 9 AM, then I had a vasectomy, then I waddled to go pick up my daughter, that week SUCKED).  It seems all things for kids are during the day intentionally to make one parent want to lose their god damn mind.  

Daddy how come you can swear?

Because I fucking can, get over it.  (I didn't really respond with that, but it's funny!).  

My kids know not to swear, I've discussed this with a few parents recently, but it's impossible for me to not swear.  Years and years of doing it, if I stub my toe I'm not NOT going to swear.  So you make sure your kids know they can't say the major bad words...but now I have to deal with poopy butt being a bad word at daycare and I have ZERO issues with poopy or butt being said.  Honestly, just be a good person and if they say booby let it slide preschool teacher who should be making way more money than you currently are (see I'm on your side!!!).

That's just a few of the gems they've had, I love the questions my kids ask, luckily they aren't all as deep as some of the above questions, more so it's asking how to add and spell which I can handle.  Here's a quick round up for funny ones that don't need a write up, one is clearly a joke:

- Why do girls not have wieners?

- Why are my farts smelly?

- Why do we have to eat vegetables?

- Are you lying about Santa?

- What are your thoughts on trickle down economics?

- Why do you yell at the 49'ers?

- Why do we fart?

- Why can't I scratch my butt in public?

Just some gems here, clearly the made up question was....Santa, it's the Santa one!  100%....

Thanks for reading as always.  I'm in the beginning stages of the how to convert finished book to Amazon publishing, but I'm there.  I finished a freaking book and I couldn't be happier.  If this takes off, perhaps I'll try another book that'll take far less time to complete than 13 years.  

Thanks for reading!

Jeff

Parenting 101...Questions

When I came up with the idea for this blog, the name Parenting 101...Questions popped in my head and I loved it.  But then I started to wonder, "Are there 101 questions I have about parenting?".  No, not really.  When I sat down pen to paper (fingers to keyboard, you know what I mean) I compiled a list, could I get to 28?  45?  69!?  (Hahaha, see what I did there?).  

No, I couldn't get there, but I do have a few questions that are on my mind, let's begin with...

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS AN EVENT INVOLVING ASKING FOR MONEY!?

Okay, I know why, because the education system is broke and they need money.  But holy...let's say cow.  My son is in preschool, my daughter just started kindergarten.  Fundraiser central.  Want to come to the fair and get food?  Hell yeah I do, but you gotta buy the raffle tickets and the food and whatever else comes up.

Want to go to an event at a preschool and get free food but pay money to watch Sing which you've seen 38 times?  Hell yeah I do!  Sing and Sing 2 have the best replay value for a movie since Moana, BUT now it's starting to add up.  

Coming up we have a food fundraiser (which is good, people should eat) and a running fundraiser (also good, people should run) and don't even get me started on political campaigns and kids coming to my door asking me to buy food.  OF COURSE I'LL BUY YOUR FOOD!  I'm the skinniest fat kid ever, give me higher cholesterol. 

Before I know it, I'm going to be having a fundraiser called "The Fundraiser to Fund the Raisers".  I will play some records, I will rap the Humpty Dance with or without Alex and Dustin beat boxing and set up a beer pong tourney to...wait...okay the records and beer pong tourney sounds like a good idea.  I better bring this up to the HOA WHICH I ALSO PAY MONEY FOR!

Back to music.  When dropping off your kids, what do you listen to?  Do you have it on talk radio or a podcast? Maybe an annoying morning show?  Me?  I'm listening to my mixes.  It can be whatever any time of day, but the real concern is I better have my window rolled up because, my bad, Ice Cube was asking, very politely as a matter of fact, you can do it, put your ass in to it.  

First off Mr. Cube, for me no, not this morning.  But it is funny getting to my 40's and our oldies are Cube, 2Pac, Dre, Korn, Metallica...I might have to stick to sports radio, but I can't handle sports after a 49'ers loss because I'm apparently a fucking child with sports.

Speaking of children!  How come when they find a toy they both haven't seen since pre-covid (somehow 40 years ago) they have to argue over it.  There was a stuffy of a dog that honestly was on the chopping block (neutering block I guess?) for toys, they both spotted it and boom, fireworks.  Anger.  Tears.  Two seconds of that random quiet when you think they fixed it themselves and then, oh wait, no wait, they were kidding.  

I grew up an only child, so all of this is new to me.  I had my cousin Brad, my cousin/brother (crother?  brousin?  It's brousin isn't it?) which we had arguments, we still do, but like, it's funny.  Then we're back to normal, my kids eventually get there, but the arguments over, and I can't emphasize this enough, the stupidest shit, will remain at least until college time.

*kids if you find this blog in 2042, I love you both, I hope you two are just crushing it and climate change hasn't quite taken effect and not to get too political, but I hope to god I stop hearing about one piece of shit ex-president daily by at least 2025...but somehow I doubt it.  Oh, and give dad and mom a call!  - Jeff in 2042

Finally, the terrible 2's aren't a thing.  That's some stupid phrase Dr. Spock or whoever else came up with in the olden times for those god awful parenting books that they made bank on.  The only Dr. Spock anyone should listen to told me to live long and prosper, which again if these kids keep selling me food my cholesterol will not agree with that phrase.  

The 3's are the crazy age...at least til puberty hits I'm guessing.  Our daughter had her craziness at 3 and currently it's our sons turn.  It's the age they can have a conversation with you and say "I love you" one minute and the next say "I'm going to eat your face!", which has happened!  He also discovered how funny the words Poopy and Butt are next to each other which clearly he's a comic genius, poopybutt, I'm laughing just typing it.

Unfortunately you can't say those words in unison or you will get talked to every...single...day...you pick him up.  At least he's not saying god awful things like the f word and How 'Bout them Cowboys.  Now we just have to conquer poopy butt and him crying uncontrollably when we leave a room for "insert 3 year old gymnastics/swimming/anything else class" and we will be good to go!

Well I for one am really glad I didn't attempt to do 101 questions, I kept some of the gold though which I'll share below because they were legit questions that I need to know

- What happened to Josh Hartnett and the guy from Friday Night Lights?  Weren't they supposed to be movie stars!?

- Is new music good?  IS IT!?  

- Underrated show, Brooklyn Nine Nine, I'm watching it now.  But here's the question, it expires on Hulu to go on another streaming service soon so I'm binge watching like mad, but why are there so many streaming services!?  This household alone has: Netflix, Peacock, Disney, Hulu, Amazon, ESPN, HBO, Paramount...WHERE DOES IT END?

- Also why does everything have to have a +!?  Just do a different name...gaaaahhhhhhh.

- Seriously Josh Hartnett was in some good stuff, like seriously what the hell happened?

The rest of the questions were basically things every parent asks, more Hartnett questions (Seriously!?) and how there are no original ideas for TV shows since the 80's....which will be my next blog.  

Thanks for reading as always!

Jeff

Kid Drop Offs or Why Everyone is Horrible and Can't Drive

 This fall has been quite the exciting time!  Our daughter just started kindergarten, while our son just moved to a new preschool.  With those two things comes all the activities, the driving, the cussing, the anger, the happiness we're leaving the activity, the "wow you did great!", with the next sentence being "I can't believe that car almost hit that kid, what the fuck did they just learn how to drive!?". 

This morning I dropped my kids off and here's what happened.  The awkward meet up at a door where another parent holds the door open for you, so my daughter goes to get the door and my son is behind and a door hits him in the face.  Then of course dropping my son off to his door while we're on a time limit to get to kindergarten on time, while we're waiting for another parent who won't stop talking to my kids teacher about nothing of importance, while I wait to ask a question to the teacher about my son using the term "poopy butt" too much.

Then leaving and instantly getting cut off by a parent as I'm trying to leave, who then cuts another person off and honks at them.  THEN we get to preschool and I walk my daughter to the door, making awkward conversation with someone I've met twice about Sonic the Hedgehog when my daughter has a question, but a dad I just met gets in between us and starts talking to me because he also wants to discuss Sonic the Hedgehog.  

The mornings get a little hectic these days, but hey I got a blog idea out of it.  Here are the different type of parents you will experience each day, one of them could be you!

Mom Trying Too Hard to Be Hot...Mom

I get it and clearly we all love when you show up, but we're old now.  If you gotta get super hot at 7 in the morning, more power to you, but I'm showing up to drop my kids off in neon shorts and a Space Jam t-shirt, PROBABLY while wearing a mismatched hat to hide my bed hair.  

If your job requires getting dressed up, that's fine, pick the month and usually my job does too.  But I'm far less shallow now, I'm more likely to think you're just as cool if you show up in a Spice Girls t-shirt and mismatched sandals (SHOUT OUT TO MY NEW DROP OFF FRIEND WHO DID ONE OF THOSE TODAY!).

The Cool Dad

I think I'm a cool dad, but not this type of cool dad, because I have humility.  This is the dad that always has those Mark McGwire sunglasses on or a polo/dress shirt where it's a solid color, but the collar is always white, below, two photo examples:

The kind of dad who when the kid falls you laugh at them and tell them to stop being a, we'll say wussy.  And somehow they are always smirking.  No reason to smirk so early in the morning.  Or at night after a long day.  Actually adulthood should have zero smirking.

The Talks Too Much Parent

Earlier the parent who butt in wanting to tell me something, which was 100% okay and I like new friends, but wait a second because I want to hear what my daughter has to say.  Ever get in one of those conversations and they won't stop talking?  I know when this happens because I am guilty of this 25% of the time, I am 1/4 The Talks Too Much Parent.  But I also can read a room, so when I'm done with the story I must blurt out, I switch gears.

But the ones who can't read a room and you're talking to someone about North Dakota while you are just dropping off your kid, we gotta not do that.  (This is 100% a conversation that happened and unless you're talking the movie Fargo or maybe how good NDSU football and Trey Lance are, nobody should ever talk about the 4th worst state in the country).

The Talks to Everyone Parent 

This is 3/4 me.  I will attempt to talk to anyone, including the Real Quiet Parent.  I moved to Lincoln 2 years ago and I would like to make some more friends.  Is that a crime!?  Is the best place to do it in the morning of a very stressful day when you drop off your kids?  I'll ignore that answer because I'm trying anyway.

But I like a good chat in the morning, working from home for essentially two years has made me miss social interaction.  So if I am that annoying parent, and I am, just politely nod and I'll stop...after getting my question out of the way, because I 1/4th talk too much...arguably more.

Also I'll use this as a parents friends ad, but you, yes you, if you like music and going to movies and going to bed by 10-10:30 PM but still like to drink do I have a couple for you!  Also, if you are knowledgeable on 90's hip hop and professional wrestling, I'm just saying, we're available.  

The Real Quiet Parent

I respect you.  I like that you just show up, you stand and nod.  If someone talks to you, you have a one sentence response, if not one word.  You walk away mid conversation, sure that hurts my feelings, but I 100% get it.  I always get along with the silent people because I can do the talking for the both of us.  I also wonder how your home interactions are?  Not in a negative way.  But in a "Does your kid talk?" kind of way.  Moving on!

The I'm Always Late Parent But Don't Care

You pull out and see the parent blaring some soft rock, maybe Evanescence.  Or Pink.  Okay it's both at the same time.  Or if it's the dad it's Drake.  But they are always late because they are horrible with time.  I can't even describe what they look like because the only look that describes them is late, but I'm sure they are holding a coffee from Scooters or Starbucks that if they just did that after they picked up their kids, they would 100% be on time.

The I'm Always Late Parent But I Do Care, But I'm Always Late Anyway

This parent has a cup of coffee left over from yesterday while she is holding today's coffee.  While yelling at her kids to hurry up because they are late.  But this person is usually nice 80% of the time, they just decided to have maybe 3 kids too many.  Always in a mini van.  So in a hurry.  Usually the type to say as they are running away, "Sorry I'd talk but I gotta run!" but saying it to nobody in particular.

The We're Friends, But Only With Each Other Parents

If I was still in Vermillion, I would probably be this parent.  But in Lincoln I don't know as many people, so it's usually a mixture of the cool dad, the hot mom and the talker parent.  I want to be the talker parent!  Get me in there!  Put me in coach, I'm ready to play!  

Usually talking about what their kid did this weekend, usually named Spencer or Bryce or Madeline or whatever, but always misspelled.  So it's Spensur, Brise and Medlynnnnnnn.  Maybe I don't want to be friends with them.  Back to the bench!

The Bitch

This morning I had another story.  I've crossed paths with this person maybe 4-5 times now because she likes to park in the exact same area that I do.  Super selfish bitch.  I had to go, but she keeps the door open so I can't reverse, with no regard for hurrying or being polite.  Closes door, looks at you annoyed, then takes forever to get in her car.  Super selfish bitch.  Then because I was polite and waited, why not have her pull out in front of me?  Makes sense.  

Usually cuts in front of people...and cars...on the walk to class.  95% chance kid grows up to do this.  I hate her.

There's a few more I can probably discuss here, but I think I got the gist!  A quick run downs of the ones I don't want to go in-depth on, in no particular order:

- the bad parent

- the I'm on the phone parent

- the I'm on speaker phone parent for absolutely no reason

- the apologetic parent who has a shitty kid

And we did it!  More blogs to come and the book is in the finishing stages of editing, so I should be ready to have it up by the end of October.  If you're reading this, you  might be in it, so I'll be asking for permission for the pictures in the middle of the book part of the book shortly.  

Have a great Wednesday!

Jeff

Burying the Past: Last Book Teaser

 

I have done it!  I finished my book.  I'm now editing to make sure it grammatically looks good.  I'm also adding things I may have missed, especially from the Rat Pack Party chapter.   Then all I have to do is do a Cast of Characters and we're good to go.  This took a year to finish, but I did it.  Below are a few entries from the book.  I hope it's enough to entice you to buy it because clearly my only motivation for finishing this is money and to sell it for millions of dollars.  

This entry is from the nicknames chapter, We have encountered a lot of very interesting people throughout the years, here's one that I still enjoy discussing:

Snowboard Guitar Guy

Telling this story as an adult is always fun.  It’s one of my go to’s for the absurdity of it.  We were having a party when I was alerted there was an older man outside on my deck drinking.  So I went outside to see what the hubbub was about.  

It was a man who was homeless talking with people outside who were smoking.  I had nothing against that.  So I started to talk to him, I found out from him that his one source of income was by nude modeling at the art school.  He had wanted to patent an invention where you could have a snowboard that also played guitar.  As you got down to the bottom of the hill, when you were done snowboarding you could immediately shred on your guitar and play some tunes.  

Smash wanted him to come inside my home and hangout, but I was very hesitant, so I didn’t let him in the house.  She was furious at me.  So he stayed outside the rest of the night, talking with whomever and we never saw him again.  I often wonder if he got to live his dream or what happened to him?  

The Mermaid

She was brought up earlier in the book.  She had joined us for an H-Worth Open event and left the next day before our 6th Rat Pack Party.  I had found out she had an ex-husband she didn’t tell me about from Stein.  

There was always something weird with her, she was very nice, but there was a weird rule.  She was reading an advice book from Steve Harvey of all people.  In the book, he said couples who start dating shouldn’t have sex for 60 days.  That way the relationship wouldn’t have any complications from having sex.  So I got cock blocked by Steve Harvey.  We also had a double date, playing Family Feud of all things, with Julia and her boyfriend Drummer.  I went to get a beer with Julia and she swears Mermaid was hitting on Drummer, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO!  

A few weeks later we went to a place in Chamberlain, SD to go camping.  After I saw either a ghost or a dead body (Google it, there’s reportedly a ghost in that river and I’m convinced it was one of those two), we had a conversation about relationships.  Her parents and family had come to join us, they were quite nice actually.  So I told her I liked her family, she told me it was moving too fast.  She wanted to take a break, which was a perfect thing to say before going to bed in a tent and possibly seeing a dead body or a ghost.  

I woke up that morning and went home.  We didn’t talk for a week as she went on a vacation with her family.  When she got back she called me, which was weird because we lived in the same apartment, she was literally right under my floor.  But she called at the worst possible time.  LeBron James was going to say where he was going to play basketball.  Was he to stay in Cleveland?  Was he going to Miami?  Did Jeff see a ghost or a dead body?!  Nobody knew!  

So while she told me we were done on the phone I asked her if she could pause for a second, as Dark Honey was in the other room screaming, LeBron had chosen Miami.  Wow.  Incredible.  Oh, and I was single again.  She eventually wanted to get back together, but that was too much crazy for me.  

Also a subtle hint to her name, Simo would call her REO Speedwagon, which dammit I should’ve named her entry that!  

I was going to share a story about how a party of ours was started called Jock Jams, but I had too much controversy this week with Facebook posts, so I"ll post about one of the jobs I had in my younger years.

Sioux Falls Skyforce

I love basketball, I suck at it, but I love it.  90’s basketball got me through a lot growing up.  I loved video game basketball, NBA Jam, Michael Jordan and the Bulls, nobody I know can beat me at NBA Live ’95 or ’96, fact.  

So when I graduated and an internship with the Sioux Falls Skyforce came up I jumped at the opportunity.  They are a minor league affiliate, at the time for the Minnesota Timberwolves, for the NBA and one of the most successful franchises in “minor league” basketball.  

My job was to do promotions and be one of those people you see go out during timeouts or breaks in the action and shoot t-shirts into the crowd or throw balls.  It honestly was a fun gig; it was just really time consuming at nights and holidays and you didn’t get paid anything.

My thinking was, I would work there and maybe end up finding a job with an NBA team.  My cousin had worked with the Sioux Falls Stampede, then with the Magic and I thought that sounded fun.  Maybe I’ll get into promotions with an NBA squad?  

No, not meant to be and not an easy career to get into.  I did get some perks like free tickets and food which was nice.  Ironically the girl I was going to live with in Sioux Falls was a cheerleader for the Skyforce, she was the only nice cheerleader.  In fact, besides the front office, even the players were jerks.  I bumped into one very tall player at a bar and went up to him, introduced myself and said, “hey I guess we’re kind of coworkers huh!?”.  He looked at me with no facial expression, “Fuck no!”.  And walked away.  

One of my last nights is one of the most embarrassing stories of my life.  I became the main partner of the mascot; I think his name was Thunder.  I would assist him with whatever he needed cuz his hands were mascot paws.  The most rewarding part of the job was helping special needs kids and getting them prizes every game.  It truly was awesome, and I loved it every time.  Except one night. 

It was Christmas so it was a packed house.  At the time I was dating McQ, and I had gotten her parents some free tickets to the game.  I was feeling super cool and went to go help Thunder deliver a ball to a special needs kid.  I got a little too amped up and instead of a bounce pass I did an overhead pass, but it slipped out of my hands.  I can still hear the “oooooooh” of the crowd as Thunder THANKFULLY caught the ball inches from this poor kid’s head.  He handed the kid the ball, he was thankfully oblivious.  I went and hid behind the hoop, embarrassed beyond belief.  

Ever had a mascot look at you in complete disbelief?  I have.  That was brutal.  I was done shortly after, by choice, nobody besides the mascot even knew what had happened.  But I felt so bad.  Thunder, if you’re reading this, I owe you one buddy. 

Rating: 3/5

Thanks for reading!  I hope this was enough to entice you to get the book when it's complete.  Have a great weekend. 

Jeff Kleeman