Pew's Quarterback Club

Aaron Pew is back to tell YOU who he THINKS are the top 32 current NFL quarterbacks.

I was talking with Mr. Pew (one of like 4 people who still talk to me on the phone out of our group of friends, texting is more convenient, I GET IT!) and we were discussing Chris Simms best quarterback list, which was hot garbage.  

What makes Chris Simms more qualified than Pew to make a "best of" quarterback list?  Chris was an above average college quarterback.  Pew was an above average college drinker.  Chris played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and SUCKED.  Pew roots for the Minnesota Vikings who currently don't SUCK.  Simms is a douche who is only where he is because of his above average NFL quarterbacks dads genetics and is last name.  Pew is not a douche and is ALSO where he is at because of genetics and his last name.  Both qualified.  

  

We've been in anticipation of this for a week now so let's get started, but first, a message from Mr. Aaron Pew:

It’s the off-season and that means that idiots like me get to make bold predictions and act like we know what we’re talking about. I’ve decided to be one of the idiots that makes lists. This list? It’s the top 32 Quarterbacks in the NFL right now.  

I comprised this list with now in mind. Meaning, I’m not looking too much into career stats…unless I feel like making a biased point about my beliefs.  I’m also not looking into the future…meaning, I’m not going to hold it against Tom Brady for being 63 years old. I’m also not giving special advantages to stupid rookies for having a long shelf life.  Who is the best QB next year? That’s what I’m listing. So, without further ado…here’s my list:

Thanks Pew, and I, Jeff Kleeman, will interject my thoughts with my usual (this...but in bold!).  Enjoy!

32. Mitchell Trubisky

This guy…this guy could be good.  Unless he can’t. I have no idea, to be honest.  I’ve watched a couple of his games this year…two against the Vikings and one other game. He didn’t look good. At all.  The games where people thought he showed promise were still average at best, thus my ranking at 32. He is going into his second year, and we all thought Jared Goff was done after year one, so…

31. Tyrod Taylor

A poor man’s Michael Vick.   Taylor can’t win with a good team around him…he’s perfect for any team that wants to be good enough to miss out on top players in the draft, but bad enough to miss the playoffs all the time.  Now, however, he is on the Browns…so…I give him 4 games before his appendix bursts on the field and he dies. Poor Browns fans…

30. Ryan Tannehill

Why did I start with the bad QBs?  I feel so negative. Tannehill was once considered a rising star, but he didn’t live up to the hype…plus he burned me that one time in fantasy football. Coming off of an injury, it’s hard to say what we will see from him, but it probably won’t be as good as the average QB he used to be…so…bad. (I like Tannehill, but yeah...rough stretch ahead)

29. Joe Flacco

Flacco probably doesn’t deserve to be this low on the list, but he kind of falls into the Tyrod Taylor camp…except he won a super bowl.  He’s obviously better than Marino, right? Wrong. Flacco won because of an elite defense and talent around him on offense. He’s talented enough to win some games, but the Ravens won’t be going to the Super Bowl or probably even the playoffs any time soon if Flacco is their QB. (He didn't make the "elite" joke...Flacco is about as elite as Trump being a good president, hahaha I had to put a politics joke somewhere, right?)

28. Patrick Mahomes

Hype. More hype.  Mahomes might be Carson Wentz 2.0, but I just haven’t seen it yet.  Plus, I’m not a Chiefs fan, so I’m pessimistic. I think he’ll be good, just not yet.  The Chiefs will miss Alex Smith this year at some point.

27. Teddy Bridgewater

TEDDY! TEDDY! TEDDY!  Mr. Two Gloves won’t be on the Vikings next year, but I feel like he’ll always be one of my favorite players.  Even being a fan, I have to admit that he isn’t going to carry a team to a Super Bowl. Teddy needs pieces around him, and he’d be smart to go to a team like Arizona and play with their good offensive pieces.  

26. Nick Foles

Sun, meet dogs ass.  I’m bitter. I’ll admit it (Again, Pew is a Vikings fan, the Eagles may have crushed the Vikings in the NFC championship game).  Did anybody see how terrible Foles was in every game he played in until the NFC Championship?  WTF. Foles can be a successful QB in the NFL, but for now he’ll remain the backup in Philadelphia.  This time next year, he’ll make the Broncos a very happy team.

25. Jameis Winston

Fameis Jameis.  See what I did there?  (We did!!!) Winston can make all of the throws and he’s still getting better, so who knows…maybe he’ll become a top 10 QB next year.  I get the feeling that he lacks the same passion and leadership that many of the QBs I have listed ahead of him.

24. Marcus Mariota (Is this too low for Mariota!? Discuss!)

Man this guy is up and down.  It feels like more down than up, but the guy has the fire.  He regressed last year when everybody expected him to take off, but he still has a lot of potential. At any rate, he’s going to need to do much better than 3200 yards and he should try to throw more touchdowns than interceptions.  Just a thought…

23. Cam Newton (Wow, same comment as above with Mariota!)

Why does everybody love this guy so damn much?  Has anybody ever watched him throw a football? It’s ugly.  If this were a list of top running backs in the NFL, I’d probably list him in the top 10, but as a quarterback…not great at all.  He’s eclipsed 60% completion percentage once in his career…once. The last time I checked, completing passes is a vital part of being a quarterback.  Obviously, Newton is a tough matchup with his size and running ability, but beyond that, he just wears weird shit after the game.

22. Jimmy Garoppolo (I DISAGREE!!! At least top 15...I'm not that big of a homer, maybe I am, go 9'ers)

This feels to high, but what the hell.  Have you seen how white his teeth are? Or is that just a great tan?  His career completion percentage is 67.3% and he threw for 1,560 yards and 7 tds in 12 games. That’s basically 3500 yards and 20 tds in a full season. For an inexperienced qb, pretty good.  But…small sample size. So, that is why he is where he is.

21. Eli Manning

Eli performs when it counts.  But he doesn’t perform the rest of the time.  He has a career completion percentage of 59.8%, and he’s thrown 228 interceptions.  Ouch. Still, the guy has two Super Bowl's so everybody loves him.

20. Andy Dalton

Is he good or is he not? I can’t figure it out.  He seems to have loaded talent every year, but can’t do enough with it.  Plus, he looks like Sid from Toy Story grew up. He’s 62.3% completion percentage for his career, which isn’t terrible, but not great. He seems like he’s in that Joe Flacco or Tyrod Taylor territory.  I’d also call is Jay Cutler syndrome…too good to get a high pick, but too bad to really be worth it.

19. Blake Bortles (dear lord, too high? Just right? Discuss!?)

This seems wrong, but I think he finally gets it.  In the big games this year, Bortles performed. His stats are alright, and I think he finally has respect of his team.  The jury is still out, but the Jaguars obviously have enough faith in him to sign him long term. I think he needs a good supporting cast, but he has one…so at least he has that going for him.

18. Jared Goff

JARED GOFF IS NOT AS GOOD AS EVERYBODY THINKS (agreed).  He has to have his coach babysit him until 15 seconds left on the play clock just to read the damn defense…c’mon man! When he plays average or bad defenses, he’ll light them up, but when he plays top tier defenses (watch his game against the Vikings), he gets embarrassed. Jared Goff should read a fucking book!

17. Sam Bradford

Bradford is a really good quarterback.  I said it. He is. Buuuutttttt….injuries.  Bradford is also as fragile as my chances of hooking up with Jennifer Aniston.  Seriously…what the hell. If Bradford could stay healthy and stays off of teams associates with Jeff Fischer or Chip Kelly, he’d be in the top 10.  I said it.

(Can we talk about Pew's hall pass really quick? Am I the only one that hates Jennifer Aniston? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! And if you're thinking of her character on Friends, she's 10x worse if that's what you're basing it on. I HATE HER! Team Cox, Team Jolie...I still should do that Hall Pass blog, but I can't...yet)

16. Derek Carr

What a disappointment.  Carr obviously has a bright future, but last year was not bright.  How much more firepower can a guy ask for? He had one of the best receiver duos in the league, a top 5 offensive line, and Marshawn Lynch in the backfield.  He regressed. The good news for him? He now gets to play for Chucky. Expect big things for Carr this year.

15. Case Keenum (THERE IT IS!!! THE REACH!)

I feel like I’m reaching here.  I feel like I’m biased. Then again, I don’t think I am.  The stigma out there is that he is a one hit wonder. I don’t think he is.  Now, if he goes to the Jets this year, he might be terrible, but if he is surrounded with some nice pieces, he’ll be a good QB for a while to come.  His stats aren’t bad, but a rating this high comes from swagger…moxy…and huge balls. Keenum played almost flawless football for most of the season and he got better with every game…until he didn’t, and the Vikings sucked dick.  Call me a homer…I’ll call you an idiot.

14. Alex Smith

Captain Check Down? Who gives a shit.  This guy has performed more often than he hasn’t. Smith is the perfect QB for a team with a good defense.  He eats time with all of his 2 yard passes, and he can put up points.  He also threw for over 4,000 yards last year and threw 26 TDs. 5 interceptions?  Sign me up. I’d take Smith on my team any day.

13. Dak Prescott

I don’t really understand why I rated him this high.  He’s performed pretty well, but lets not fool ourselves.  The Cowboys aren’t winning games because of Dak. That’s got Zeke written all over it.  Still, he has really good completion percentage, averages 3,500 yards, and threw only 17 Int in his first two seasons.  I don’t like it, but I guess I’m on board. If I’m being completely honest, tho, I’m just lazy and I don’t want to rearrange this list now.

12. DeShawn Watson (Too high in my opinion, but this is Pew's list...but damn Pew, TOO HIGH!

This guy played like 3 games, but dude…DUDE!  He looked awesome. It is such a small sample size, but I’m all in.  Yes, this has everything to do with him winning me games in fantasy football.  OK, not everything, but a lot…still the guy is a lot of fun to watch. I’m excited to see how he is next year.

11. Phillip Rivers

He’s a douchebag, (HE IS A DOUCHE) but he’s good.  He carries that team on a regular basis and he gets no credit for it.  Full disclaimer, he isn’t really a douchebag…he seems like a nice guy in real like, but he’s a tool on the field.  Still, really good.

10. Kirk Cousins (future Viking, but appropriately rated)

Kirk Cousins is statistically a top 5 QB.  The only reason I didn’t rate him higher is because you would all yell at me.  I’m very sensitive. The knock against Cousins is that he isn’t a winner. I think the knock on him is that he played for the fucking Redskins.  Christ. That team. Give the guy some running game and decent defense, and he’ll carry the rest of the team. Also, I have him in fantasy…and he’s probably going to the Vikings.

9. Andrew Luck

The sad part about Luck is that he’s on a terrible team…imagine if he was on the Falcons!  I think there have to be serious concerns about his health, which is why I rated him as low as I did.  He’s really good, but he didn’t play at all last year, he missed 9 games in 2015…I just don’t know. On the plus side, he looks just like Kyle Jensen, which makes me think happy thoughts all the time when I watch him play.

8. Matthew Stafford

Without Matthew Stafford, the Lions would still be the Lions of old.  Stafford single handedly wins like 7 games each year, and they usually only win 8 games, so that’s impressive.  Even though I hate the guy, I have to respect him. He can come back from anything…except herpes. Nobody can come back from that.

7. Russell Wilson (I hate this guy...so much, but he's here, if not higher, for sure)

When I look at the Vikings opponents each year, Russell Wilson in the quarterback that stresses me out the most.  He doesn’t go down. He can turn a shit play into a miracle at any time. Plus he can actually throw the ball. He is Cam Newton if Cam Newton knew how to throw a football.  Cam Newton is not a good quarterback (Pew HATES Cam Newton).

6. Ben Roethlisberger

Big Ben has had a much better career than people realize. He’s thrown 329 TDs; thrown for 51,065 yards, and his completion percentage is 64.1%.  Damn. He’s still really good, even though he struggled last year. Everybody talked about how terrible he was this year, but…he threw for 4,251 yards, 28 td, and 14 ints.  Shoot. I think 12 interceptions of those were in one game against the Jaguars, so that’s pretty good. As soon as he retires, the Steelers (and all Antonio Brown fantasy owners) are screwed.

5. Matt Ryan

Matt Ryan has thrown over 4,000 yards in 7 consecutive seasons…7.  7! 5 of those 7 were over 4,500. He has a 64.9% completion percentage. If he had won that Super Bowl against the Patriots, he’d be Aaron Rodgers.  Seriously, ya’ll, he’s really good. Any team that has Matt Ryan on it, will have a chance to win it all.

4. Carson Wentz (I'm a big Wentz fan as well)

The sample size is still small, but the guys has an insanely bright future.  He was the MVP of the league…errrr, he would have been if he didn’t get injured.  He’s young, so I’m confident he won’t have a setback. He can beat a team any way, and he’s already showed it.

3. Aaron Rodgers

Last year was rough for the Packers. Not only did they lose Rodgers, they also lost their shoulder to cry on…get it?  Rodgers is great…like really good. Without Rodgers, the Packers are the Lions without Stafford. Did you follow that?  They inspire fear in nobody. They almost lost to the Browns. I don’t need to throw stats at you, you know Rodgers is really good.  I rated him below two other QBs, though, because he’s rather fragile. He’s had major injuries in a few separate seasons…tough to know how that will hold up.

2. Drew Brees

If you need proof of what Brees can do in a game, just watch the second half of the Divisional Round game against the Vikings.  He sliced and diced that defense and won the game 3 times…until he didn’t. HA! Brees isn’t talked about in the G.O.A.T. conversation like Manning, Brady, etc., but he should be.  

1. Tom Brady

FINE! He’s the G.O.A.T.  I submit. He just keeps on going.  Regardless of your thoughts on his placement all time, I can’t think of a better option for a team to have right now.  He’s the reigning MVP, he completed 66.3% of his passes and threw for 4,577 yards & 32 TD’s. Also, he’s married to a supermodel.  I know, I know…we all hate him. I’m with you. Above all that, I have to admit that he’s the best in the game right now.

Well, there it is.  The list. I know I have a lot of quarterbacks in spots a lot of you wouldn’t, but that’s the beauty of this.  None of it matters! Isn’t that great?! What do you think of the list? Let me know in the comments. Thanks! - Aaron Pew

Oh hey, it's me, Jeff, I'm back.  Thanks for reading!  As Aaron John Pew said, if you disagree, agree, or just gree...feel free to comment here, or on the FB page, we'd love to see you argue with Pew, okay, well I would love to see you argue with Pew.  

Coming tomorrow, word associate with Brian Opp and a classic re-post of our first word associate with Alex Baker.  Thanks for reading!

Jeff Kleeman

The Mind of a 49'ers Fan

Blogging on the opening game for my beloved San Francisco 49'ers, the best 32nd ranked NFL team ever!?  Yes, so jump in to my mind during a 49'ers game.  When they suck.

9:12  And now, the game nobody really wants to watch at the end of a long football weekend.  That's my team!  Go 9'ers!!!!

9:13  Love, Steve Young on commentary.  Hate, Chris Berman on commentary.  I can never fully win, also...Berman's ties.  Yikes.



I hate Berman because he seems like such a douche.  Then I read a few things that makes me know he's a douche.  His only saving grace is he's a 9ers fan.

9:14  It took two minutes to bring up the backup quarterback does not stand during the national anthem.  Here's my take, who cares?  I have a lot of military friends, I see the point of being upset with him...but...free country, they fought for his right to do it.  He's not hurting anybody.  And a lot of us definitely can't relate to how people of a different race feel...so there's that.

And trust me, before you say I love Kaepernick, everyone who knows me, knows how much I hate Kaepernick.  Really ever since this...



9:15  THE ANTHEM ISN'T EVEN BEING SUNG!!!!  Probably a Trump supporter or idiot complaining.



9:17  Fun fact, I won Lindsey Stirling tickets when I lived in Lincoln.  I won them so a mom could surprise her daughter because that was her favorite artist.  So that's cool.  Also she's kinda cute.



She's 29!?!

9:19  Again I don't hate Kaepernick for doing what he believes in, I hate Kaepernick for getting my hopes up that a new dynasty was upon the 49'ers and now they suck.  That's now two reasons I hate him.

9:20  This time last year I was at that stadium.  With their crap black jersey.  GET SOME GOLD ON IT!  Then it will make sense.



9:21 Goff being third string makes me think he's a white JaMarcus Russell.  Watch out for the sizzurp.  And the weight gain.

9:22  I feel the 9'ers defense will legit be decent.  The offense, yet to be seen.

9:23  Okay maybe I spoke too soon.

9:24  Case Keenum looks like Kurt Warner right now.  If Kurt Warner wasn't good.

9:26  Every time I clap, my dog thinks he can come up on the couch.  He is not allowed on the couch. Quick side story, his name, sometimes, is Frank Gore.  So imagine how confused he used to be.

9:28  Let the Blaine Gabbert era begin.

9:29  For old times sake "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HYDE!"



He is like a new Frank Gore.  Patient

9:30  If Torrey Smith wants to be the #1 wide receiver, he has to legit catch an easy pass.

9:31  I just got excited about a complete pass.  Tough times are upon us this year.

9:31 And punting...

9:32  That "On the Way Up" promo for ESPN Sunday Countdown...was the whitest thing I've ever seen.... and that was with Moss and Woodson being included.

9:34  I only fear Todd Gurley on this team, no one else.

9:35  Best logo in the NFL and jersey goes to my team, the 49'ers, I don't care.  I can see a Packers or Cowboys argument, but that would be invalid.  I'm unbiased as they come.

9:36  My team employs Jeremy Kerley, I am sadly happy about that.

9:38  Jerry Rice right now, would be the number 2 wide receiver on the 49ers.  Not even kidding.

9:40  Best offensive weapon is Gabbert running for his life up the middle.  Worst offensive weapon, missing Jeremy Kerley on a for sure TD.

9:41  Again, run to the middle.  First down.  This keeps up he's going to have the single game rushing record for a quarterback.

9:42  I'm kidding, but seriously, it's been every f'ing play that's gotten any yards.

9:42   Garrett Celek drop.  Go figure.

9:44  YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HYDE!!!!  Touchdown.

9:46  Phil Dawson, just a fan of that guy.



9:48  Jeff Fischer is the most average coach ever.  He is who that girl settles with, you know, the attractive girl, she's got a good job, but her dude cheated on her, so she gets a guy who won't leave her ever, but will never amount to anything...that's Jeff Fischer.  It used to be David Arquette.



9:50  It will never get worse than J.T. O' Sullivan.  That 49'ers era was so bad.

9:51  A completion!

9:54  Tan Hyde!

9:56  When did ESPN become super lame?  Was it when Dan Patrick left!?  When the NFL essentially got control of them?  When they fired Bill Simmons?

9:59  Worst 4th down attempt ever.

10:00  Momentum killer.

10:07  Thanks Todd Gurley!

10:08  Pick!!!!!!!!

10:11  A knee interception!

10:12  A text from my buddy Brett "Bowman just intercepted that with his D*#K"



10:13  Fourth down conversion!!!!

10:14  Every time Hyde falls to the ground I hold my breath

10:15 The line is looking good on both sides.  What is this?  2014?

10:16 Third down?  Welp, just run to the middle.

10:16  Shaun Draughn...TD!!!  Wait, Shaun Draughn TOUCHDOWN!?

10:20  The defense looks good.  I can't get over this.  Hope I didn't jinx them.

10:21  I jinxed them.

10:23  Jimmie Ward sighting!

10:27  Hyde ruining my fantasy hopes of winning my game.  And I'm fine with that!

10:29  Kerley is doing well?  Oh crap, was there a fumble?

10:30  Damn you Shaun Draughn!!!

10:34  Two minute warning, 14-0 San Fran.  I like it.

10:39  Berman tries to hide how much of a 9ers homer he is.  It makes me kind of bond with him, even though I hate him.  It's those ties....



10:43  A time out with over 20 seconds left in the half?  What is this!?  Madden!?

10:50  I dislike how the half has begun.  I fear this lead being given up.

10:55  Whew!  Punt.  The quote of the first half, where I thankfully took a break from blogging was Herm Edwards saying, "The Rams offense has set back NFL offenses 50 years".

11:04  So you can barely tap a quarterback and it's a huge penalty.  Touch a punt returner after he catches it, which is a penalty, and no call.  NFL refs are the worst.

11:13  I see why Hekker is the number one punter.

11:16  This game is going to be a big let's run the clock out starting in the 3rd quarter kinda game.

11:17  Third and 10...and now 4th and 10.  Great...

11:19  Home Sweet Home is just an amazing song.  Seriously.

11:21  I think the only offense that may be worse than San Francisco's... is Los Angeles.

11:22  You're fine St. Louis.  You lost nothing.  Keep quiet for a bit and you can get the Jags or someone else in a few years, right?  Steal another franchise.  Then get mad when they move again in 20 years.

11:22  No penalties!?  Tomsula is definitely not coaching this team.

11:23  I bet the punters are tired of punting - my wife.  She's right.

11:28  Another punt, a good return.  Scared team may self destruct.

11:38  This game is going too long and allergies are making me not loving life.  Powering to stay awake, may not last much longer.  Especially with punt city.

11:45  Touchdown, 21-0.  Wow.  What in the living hell.

11:49  Wow, totally almost fell asleep and heard a fan ran on the field.  Lame.  You want attention just sit down for the national anthem...

11:55  Well I think my team is gonna win.  You know what this means!?  31st best team in the league babaaaaay!



9:12  Awoke on my sick day to see 28-0 final score.  Solid.  Some thoughts.  Late night Monday Night Football games suck when you're past 30, especially when you don't feel good.  The 9ers defense looked great, which is good, BUT they played the Rams.  The offense put up 28, against a Rams defense that looked shockingly out of sync.  I still hate Baalke but maybe his moves may work out.  I REALLY hate York, but that's because of his privilege.  But Chip Kelly!?  Love him.  Might name my kid after him if he keeps this up.  And Navarro Bowman is the absolute best.

9:13  With that being said, the 49'ers look like they COULD win maybe 7 games...but I thought the same last year when they walloped the Vikings.  So we'll see by mid-season.  Hoping at least 7 wins, then moving back up the next few years.  Thanks for reading.
Jeff Kleeman

Blogging on the opening game for my beloved San Francisco 49'ers, the best 32nd ranked NFL team ever!?  Yes, so jump in to my mind during a 49'ers game.  When they suck.

9:12  And now, the game nobody really wants to watch at the end of a long football weekend.  That's my team!  Go 9'ers!!!!

9:13  Love, Steve Young on commentary.  Hate, Chris Berman on commentary.  I can never fully win, also...Berman's ties.  Yikes.



I hate Berman because he seems like such a douche.  Then I read a few things that makes me know he's a douche.  His only saving grace is he's a 9ers fan.

9:14  It took two minutes to bring up the backup quarterback does not stand during the national anthem.  Here's my take, who cares?  I have a lot of military friends, I see the point of being upset with him...but...free country, they fought for his right to do it.  He's not hurting anybody.  And a lot of us definitely can't relate to how people of a different race feel...so there's that.

And trust me, before you say I love Kaepernick, everyone who knows me, knows how much I hate Kaepernick.  Really ever since this...



9:15  THE ANTHEM ISN'T EVEN BEING SUNG!!!!  Probably a Trump supporter or idiot complaining.



9:17  Fun fact, I won Lindsey Stirling tickets when I lived in Lincoln.  I won them so a mom could surprise her daughter because that was her favorite artist.  So that's cool.  Also she's kinda cute.



She's 29!?!

9:19  Again I don't hate Kaepernick for doing what he believes in, I hate Kaepernick for getting my hopes up that a new dynasty was upon the 49'ers and now they suck.  That's now two reasons I hate him.

9:20  This time last year I was at that stadium.  With their crap black jersey.  GET SOME GOLD ON IT!  Then it will make sense.



9:21 Goff being third string makes me think he's a white JaMarcus Russell.  Watch out for the sizzurp.  And the weight gain.

9:22  I feel the 9'ers defense will legit be decent.  The offense, yet to be seen.

9:23  Okay maybe I spoke too soon.

9:24  Case Keenum looks like Kurt Warner right now.  If Kurt Warner wasn't good.

9:26  Every time I clap, my dog thinks he can come up on the couch.  He is not allowed on the couch. Quick side story, his name, sometimes, is Frank Gore.  So imagine how confused he used to be.

9:28  Let the Blaine Gabbert era begin.

9:29  For old times sake "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HYDE!"



He is like a new Frank Gore.  Patient

9:30  If Torrey Smith wants to be the #1 wide receiver, he has to legit catch an easy pass.

9:31  I just got excited about a complete pass.  Tough times are upon us this year.

9:31 And punting...

9:32  That "On the Way Up" promo for ESPN Sunday Countdown...was the whitest thing I've ever seen.... and that was with Moss and Woodson being included.

9:34  I only fear Todd Gurley on this team, no one else.

9:35  Best logo in the NFL and jersey goes to my team, the 49'ers, I don't care.  I can see a Packers or Cowboys argument, but that would be invalid.  I'm unbiased as they come.

9:36  My team employs Jeremy Kerley, I am sadly happy about that.

9:38  Jerry Rice right now, would be the number 2 wide receiver on the 49ers.  Not even kidding.

9:40  Best offensive weapon is Gabbert running for his life up the middle.  Worst offensive weapon, missing Jeremy Kerley on a for sure TD.

9:41  Again, run to the middle.  First down.  This keeps up he's going to have the single game rushing record for a quarterback.

9:42  I'm kidding, but seriously, it's been every f'ing play that's gotten any yards.

9:42   Garrett Celek drop.  Go figure.

9:44  YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HYDE!!!!  Touchdown.

9:46  Phil Dawson, just a fan of that guy.



9:48  Jeff Fischer is the most average coach ever.  He is who that girl settles with, you know, the attractive girl, she's got a good job, but her dude cheated on her, so she gets a guy who won't leave her ever, but will never amount to anything...that's Jeff Fischer.  It used to be David Arquette.



9:50  It will never get worse than J.T. O' Sullivan.  That 49'ers era was so bad.

9:51  A completion!

9:54  Tan Hyde!

9:56  When did ESPN become super lame?  Was it when Dan Patrick left!?  When the NFL essentially got control of them?  When they fired Bill Simmons?

9:59  Worst 4th down attempt ever.

10:00  Momentum killer.

10:07  Thanks Todd Gurley!

10:08  Pick!!!!!!!!

10:11  A knee interception!

10:12  A text from my buddy Brett "Bowman just intercepted that with his D*#K"



10:13  Fourth down conversion!!!!

10:14  Every time Hyde falls to the ground I hold my breath

10:15 The line is looking good on both sides.  What is this?  2014?

10:16 Third down?  Welp, just run to the middle.

10:16  Shaun Draughn...TD!!!  Wait, Shaun Draughn TOUCHDOWN!?

10:20  The defense looks good.  I can't get over this.  Hope I didn't jinx them.

10:21  I jinxed them.

10:23  Jimmie Ward sighting!

10:27  Hyde ruining my fantasy hopes of winning my game.  And I'm fine with that!

10:29  Kerley is doing well?  Oh crap, was there a fumble?

10:30  Damn you Shaun Draughn!!!

10:34  Two minute warning, 14-0 San Fran.  I like it.

10:39  Berman tries to hide how much of a 9ers homer he is.  It makes me kind of bond with him, even though I hate him.  It's those ties....



10:43  A time out with over 20 seconds left in the half?  What is this!?  Madden!?

10:50  I dislike how the half has begun.  I fear this lead being given up.

10:55  Whew!  Punt.  The quote of the first half, where I thankfully took a break from blogging was Herm Edwards saying, "The Rams offense has set back NFL offenses 50 years".

11:04  So you can barely tap a quarterback and it's a huge penalty.  Touch a punt returner after he catches it, which is a penalty, and no call.  NFL refs are the worst.

11:13  I see why Hekker is the number one punter.

11:16  This game is going to be a big let's run the clock out starting in the 3rd quarter kinda game.

11:17  Third and 10...and now 4th and 10.  Great...

11:19  Home Sweet Home is just an amazing song.  Seriously.

11:21  I think the only offense that may be worse than San Francisco's... is Los Angeles.

11:22  You're fine St. Louis.  You lost nothing.  Keep quiet for a bit and you can get the Jags or someone else in a few years, right?  Steal another franchise.  Then get mad when they move again in 20 years.

11:22  No penalties!?  Tomsula is definitely not coaching this team.

11:23  I bet the punters are tired of punting - my wife.  She's right.

11:28  Another punt, a good return.  Scared team may self destruct.

11:38  This game is going too long and allergies are making me not loving life.  Powering to stay awake, may not last much longer.  Especially with punt city.

11:45  Touchdown, 21-0.  Wow.  What in the living hell.

11:49  Wow, totally almost fell asleep and heard a fan ran on the field.  Lame.  You want attention just sit down for the national anthem...

11:55  Well I think my team is gonna win.  You know what this means!?  31st best team in the league babaaaaay!



9:12  Awoke on my sick day to see 28-0 final score.  Solid.  Some thoughts.  Late night Monday Night Football games suck when you're past 30, especially when you don't feel good.  The 9ers defense looked great, which is good, BUT they played the Rams.  The offense put up 28, against a Rams defense that looked shockingly out of sync.  I still hate Baalke but maybe his moves may work out.  I REALLY hate York, but that's because of his privilege.  But Chip Kelly!?  Love him.  Might name my kid after him if he keeps this up.

9:13  With that being said, the 49'ers look like they COULD win maybe 7 games...but I thought the same last year when they walloped the Vikings.  So we'll see by mid-season.  Hoping at least 7 wins, then moving back up the next few years.  Thanks for reading.
Jeff Kleeman

Fake Football Favorites

Well it's the end of July, and you know what that means?!  Two things!  Fantasy Football analysis and more NFL players being arrested!

On a quick aside before we get in to this article, why not wait a good 5-10 years (based on your career) to dabble with weed?  Make your money (especially if you're good) and then do whatever you want.  Is it that hard to understand!?  Idiots!

Alright, back to football.  If you're reading this and don't play fantasy football, be prepared to enter a very weird world.  Where backup running backs on the Ravens affect championships (I still hate you La'Ron McClain and Karl Reasoner for having him).  Where you remember random Saints-Browns games from 2011.  Where you develop a bond with players who will never meet you or care about you.  It's fun stuff!

So with this article, I am going to compile my 5 favorite stories of all time with fantasy football.  I will also be picking my five favorite fantasy players, and the reason behind them being selected.  As an accompanying article, Aaron Pew will also be doing a blog on the same topic.  Tis the season for some football!

Top 5 Fantasy Football Stories OF ALL TIME!

1. I won a championship.  How did I do it?!  Trades.  In fantasy football, a trade going in your favor can really help you out, and for me, it did, big time.  I ended up getting Calvin Johnson and Rob Gronkowksi (thanks Kyle Kelly and Aaron Pew) my championship year.  But that's not why this is my favorite story.

I played in the championship against a guy named Bazemore, a man who makes the playoffs, and in this case, 4 championships in 5 years.  His team was stacked.  And how did I win?  I played a Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver by the name of Mike Williams that day.  And he destroyed.



To add insult to injury, we watched the games together that day and his stacked team underperformed. I'm not gonna lie, I may have played We Are the Champions that night, and my reward was eating at a Brazilian Carnival restaurant, where I feasted on meats and grilled pineapples in victory.

2. That same championship year, I began dating my now wife.  And I will remember this day forever, as it was the day I got in to that very championship game, by .5 points, defeating my buddy Brian Opp.  The deciding game was a 49'ers-Patriots game.  If you have read this blog, or know me, or been to my home, you know I love the 49'ers.  Unfortunately for me, my team had Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowksi, Julian Edelman Shane Vereen and the Patriots kicker. Ouchtown.  I needed my real team (the 49'ers) to win this and I needed my fantasy team (Romo Lone 2: Lost in Dallas...who Opp helped name) to win as well.

Luckily for me, the 9ers won that game, but in the final moments, after a monster game by Brady and Gronkowski, they had their kicker line up for a field goal.  Which he made.  At that time, that score put me up by 8 points.  But, as some of you hardcores know, ESPN does stat adjustments overnight.
So as I was reliving my glory from the night before I saw the score was changed...to have my victory be by .5 points.  USA!  USA!  USA!!!!

3. The Robert Meacham game.  One of my favorite days, for the sheer fact that I won a game a day after it happened.  Who can you blame?  ESPN stat adjustments.  Long story short, I had a player named Robert Meacham, who I decided to play against the man I mentioned above, Bazemore.  A fumble recovery picked up by Meacham led to a touchdown.  A touchdown that was not counted that day.

Text messages from Bazemore convinced him of certain victory.  A victory that was taken away that next day.  Good times!

4. Not all fantasy stories are happy ones.  2013.  I had one of, if not the best team.  I don't think any in our league would argue it.  I had Peyton Manning and the Broncos, the year he decided to go crazy.  I had Julio Jones.  I had it all!  I was on pace at worst to make the playoffs, at best be the first back to back champion in that league.  What happened!?



Julio Jones got hurt.  My backups all got hurt.  I panicked, thinking the Broncos couldn't keep up the pace.  I traded my Broncos wide receiver (Eric Decker, owner of the title "Possibly the hottest non-supermodel-wife in all of the NFL...maybe").



I lost Julio the rest of the year.  I traded Peyton Manning.  I traded him for LeSean McCoy and Tom Brady.  An amazing trade, if I didn't decide to trade McCoy and Brady.  I panicked.  I kept trading where my starter was Case Keenum.  My teams haven't been the same since, missing the playoffs the past 2 years and hating fantasy football by week 6.

5. Last year I won 3 games...I think.  It hurts to look at.  But.  The sweetest victory was being in San Francisco.  Watching my beloved 49'ers take on the Minnesota Vikings.  I was there with my wife and my friend Aaron Pew and his wife Megan.  They are Vikings fans.  Also every year I play Pew on the 1st weekend of the year in fantasy.  He was kicking my ass.

Still to go, I had the 49'ers running back Carlos Hyde and Aaron had a Vikings wide receiver and the Vikings defense.  The game was done, he has won...  UNTIL!  Carlos Hyde did his best Adrian Peterson impression (the non hitting his kids version).  And if you're unfamiliar to fantasy football, your teams defense loses points the more points/yards they gave up.  Add in that Pew's wide receiver didn't do anything...and my team won.  This was my reaction.



This was his...



Of course the rest of the year would end up horribly.  After that victory I thought the 9ers would possibly, maybe, win at least 8 games.  They didn't.  My fantasy team followed suit, losing...a lot.

Hopefully this year is better...um, for my fantasy team.  The 49'ers are another story... I want them to lose as much as possible to get Deshaun Watson and fire their GM (I hate you Baalke!).

Now for my top 5 favorite fantasy players of all time.  Let's call it:

Jeff's Top 5 Favorite Fantasy Players of all time!

1. Cordarrelle Patterson



The year was 2014.  The man.  Cordarrelle Patterson.  I read enough fantasy projections (I hate you Matthew Berry) to believe that Patterson was the next Randy Moss.  So I got him in 3 leagues.  Yup.
3.  One of those leagues was an auction league.  Where you bid on the players and you're given a specific dollar amount for your roster.

My buddy Kyle Jensen walked in to a room, and in my excitement because he's awesome, I ended up having a 1 in front of the $25 I was planning on bidding.  Clearly nobody else was spending 1/4th of their team on one guy so I got him.  Hence the new nickname for the Vikings 5th best wide receiver, Mr. 125.

Sadly his first game he was amazing, I say sadly, because I thought it was warranted...but he went on to be a god awful acquisition.  One that I will never repeat...until this year, maybe.

2. Robert Meacham



As I said earlier, this random 3rd or 4th wide receiver altered a game/season all because of one fumble recovery.  So that makes me laugh.

Also shortly after, he had signed with the San Diego Chargers, with people thinking he was going to be amazing.  Turns out not so much, so not only did he kill people's fantasy chances one year for good reasons, he also ruined them just by adding him to your team.  Proud of you Meacham.

3. Carson Palmer



My very first draft pick of all time.  Mr. Palmer.  Cincinnati Bengal great.  Now Arizona Cardinal old man fixer upper (first Kurt Warner, now Palmer, who is next!?  If it's Kaepernick...).

I didn't know what I was doing in 2005 when I first picked him and I'm not much better 11 years later, because this is such a crap-shoot.  He did get me to a top record in my first year, unfortunately I didn't win my first year.  Well actually...I did draft the team that won the first year, but it wasn't my team...which I wouldn't repeat that feat until 10 years later.

Moral of the story, if you want me to draft your team for you, I'm 2 for 2 in championships.  And if I draft my team, I'm 4 of 11 of even making the playoffs....

4. Tom Brady



Here's Tom Brady, pictured in his only jersey worth anything.  Burn.

So Tom Brady, the year I won.  I was driven to our draft location.  I was extremely hung over.  I had planned a bachelor party for Aaron Pew, the man above in this article.  So the night before we may have gotten a little crazy.  Us being stupid, we decided to have our fantasy football draft at 1 PM the next day.  Thinking that would be a good enough time.  It wasn't.

Driven to an Old Chicago, wanting to puke, the draft had literally just started as we got inside.  I wanted Tom Brady at #3.  In our league, quarterbacks are pretty important.  So I remember having that feeling of relief of logging in right on time.  Then making 2 crappy picks right after (which I turned in to Gronk, so not too crappy).  Then forcing pizza in my body.  Then wanting to puke.  Good times!

5. Calvin Johnson



Am I bummed he retired?  Yes.  Do I understand why?  Yes.  His fingers looked all sorts of messed up.  He wasn't going to win anything being on the Lions besides pity.  I'm just disappointed because I literally just got him in my dynasty league, thinking I had him at worst for 2 more years.  Sigh.

So every time he was on my team, I knew he'd be fun to watch.  And he was.  Top 5 WR of all time (since we're on lists it goes 1. Jerry Rice 2. Randy Moss 3. Calvin Johnson 4. Cris Carter 5. Terrell Owens).  So goodbye Megatron!  I hope you don't come back since I released you and all that stuff!

Well that does it!  Fantasy football top 5's.  Don't forget to read Aaron Pew's article when that comes out, I'll probably edit this later when he does it, and supply you a link.  I'm sure his memories will be just as hilarious and fun, except for the one in San Francisco that we experienced together.

Coming up this week.  Maybe I'll play some Nintendo games and put them up?  Maybe?  But the one thing that IS happening.  The Donald Trump blog.  And it's going to be amazing.

Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

99 Problems and Construction is 1

You see this picture?  This is lovely I-29, outside of Sioux City.  Home of the never ending construction.  The picture above has been the scene in Sioux City for as long as I can remember. 

Now while I do not mind the city itself (minus the smell from a pork plant that is no longer there), a number of amazing restaurants (La Juanita's, you are the bomb), and a delicious Sioux City Sasparilla every summer, the construction is just unbearable! 



So what I have decided to do, is make a list (Google hates these, and won't pay me if I do lists, but since I'm a horrible businessman, here you go!).  I'm going to list 41 (99 is A LOT of things to list) things that will happen before constuction is completely finished on I-29 in Sioux City.  And since hating on construction is universal, if you're reading this and not in the Sioux City area, feel free to add your own personal constuction demons in your neck of the woods.  Enjoy!

1. Flying cars
2. O.J. Simpson will admit that he is guilty.

3. Soccer will finally get popular in non-World Cup years.
4. There will be two candidates running for president that both Democrats and Republicans will agree "aren't that bad". 
5. The Vikings will win the Super Bowl

6. Pete Rose will make the Hall of Fame
7. World War III.
8. Pauly Shore will win an Oscar for playing an actual weasel. 

9. There will be one year without a comic book movie.
10. I'll pay off my student loans.
11. Dr. Dre will release "Detox".

12. Mary Matherly will age (you still look young as hell and I promised you I'd give you a shoutout!)
13. The Simpson's will air it's last episode. 

14. People will no longer say "That's what she said". 

15. Buzzfeed will run out of quizzes.
16. Snoop Dogg gives up weed...again.
17. I will, one day, win my fantasy football league again. 
18. People will stop making an issue of gay marriage. 
19. Your future president, Adam from Workaholics.

20. We find out who killed JFK.
21. Sammy Sosa will be black again!

22. The NFL will change to flag football due to concussion research (fantasy football still goes on).
23. Bigfoot will be captured!
24. Verizon will come up with an affordable cell phone plan (hahahaha I'm kidding, that'll never happen).
25. Kim Kardashian's selfie will be on the $50 bill.  Sorry Ulysses, should've stepped up your selfie game homey!

26. People will admit global warming is a thing.
27. The NCAA will agree to pay athletes in some way that makes sense for both parties (bring back NCAA Football for videogames!  EA make this happen!)

28. People will finally admit Home Improvement wasn't as good as we all remember.  Sorry Wilson.

29. The creators of Lost will finally admit they had no idea what was happening the entire time.
30. Amelia Earhart will be found!  Alive, froze, just like Captain America.

31. Civil War 2 will erupt, due to warring factions arguing about who is better, Kylie vs Kendall Jenner!?  Which side will you take!?  We all know where my allegiances lie!

32. They will finally admit, Trix isn't just for kids.  #trixlivesmatter
33. North Dakota will change it's name, to Dakota, which will have the same effect on people as James Franco stating his sexuality...zero.
34. Mumps and measles will make a comeback and anti-vaxxers will still be stupid about it.
35. Julia Louis-Dreyfus will admit she is a robot who doesn't age. Seriously, how in the hell!?  She is 55 years old!

36. Due to cloning, Jurassic Park becomes a reality, and due to history repeating itself again, they hire this guy:

37. MTV will play music vidoes again.
38. ESPN will release a statement, saying they aren't sure why they pay Matthew Berry or Mel Kiper, Jr. to be "experts" on things they are constantly wrong about.  Idiots.
39. The Kleeman Report will be a major website, with the result being my future son or daughter will have his/her own blog about how terrible it is.
40. We'll find out what happened to Jon Snow.  RIGHT!?

41. You will have completed reading this blog...maybe.

That's it for today, thanks for reading!  I feel I'll eventually get around to the Nintendo Challenge, perhaps starting on it tonight.  Until next time...

Jeff Kleeman