Fake Football Favorites

Well it's the end of July, and you know what that means?!  Two things!  Fantasy Football analysis and more NFL players being arrested!

On a quick aside before we get in to this article, why not wait a good 5-10 years (based on your career) to dabble with weed?  Make your money (especially if you're good) and then do whatever you want.  Is it that hard to understand!?  Idiots!

Alright, back to football.  If you're reading this and don't play fantasy football, be prepared to enter a very weird world.  Where backup running backs on the Ravens affect championships (I still hate you La'Ron McClain and Karl Reasoner for having him).  Where you remember random Saints-Browns games from 2011.  Where you develop a bond with players who will never meet you or care about you.  It's fun stuff!

So with this article, I am going to compile my 5 favorite stories of all time with fantasy football.  I will also be picking my five favorite fantasy players, and the reason behind them being selected.  As an accompanying article, Aaron Pew will also be doing a blog on the same topic.  Tis the season for some football!

Top 5 Fantasy Football Stories OF ALL TIME!

1. I won a championship.  How did I do it?!  Trades.  In fantasy football, a trade going in your favor can really help you out, and for me, it did, big time.  I ended up getting Calvin Johnson and Rob Gronkowksi (thanks Kyle Kelly and Aaron Pew) my championship year.  But that's not why this is my favorite story.

I played in the championship against a guy named Bazemore, a man who makes the playoffs, and in this case, 4 championships in 5 years.  His team was stacked.  And how did I win?  I played a Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver by the name of Mike Williams that day.  And he destroyed.



To add insult to injury, we watched the games together that day and his stacked team underperformed. I'm not gonna lie, I may have played We Are the Champions that night, and my reward was eating at a Brazilian Carnival restaurant, where I feasted on meats and grilled pineapples in victory.

2. That same championship year, I began dating my now wife.  And I will remember this day forever, as it was the day I got in to that very championship game, by .5 points, defeating my buddy Brian Opp.  The deciding game was a 49'ers-Patriots game.  If you have read this blog, or know me, or been to my home, you know I love the 49'ers.  Unfortunately for me, my team had Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowksi, Julian Edelman Shane Vereen and the Patriots kicker. Ouchtown.  I needed my real team (the 49'ers) to win this and I needed my fantasy team (Romo Lone 2: Lost in Dallas...who Opp helped name) to win as well.

Luckily for me, the 9ers won that game, but in the final moments, after a monster game by Brady and Gronkowski, they had their kicker line up for a field goal.  Which he made.  At that time, that score put me up by 8 points.  But, as some of you hardcores know, ESPN does stat adjustments overnight.
So as I was reliving my glory from the night before I saw the score was changed...to have my victory be by .5 points.  USA!  USA!  USA!!!!

3. The Robert Meacham game.  One of my favorite days, for the sheer fact that I won a game a day after it happened.  Who can you blame?  ESPN stat adjustments.  Long story short, I had a player named Robert Meacham, who I decided to play against the man I mentioned above, Bazemore.  A fumble recovery picked up by Meacham led to a touchdown.  A touchdown that was not counted that day.

Text messages from Bazemore convinced him of certain victory.  A victory that was taken away that next day.  Good times!

4. Not all fantasy stories are happy ones.  2013.  I had one of, if not the best team.  I don't think any in our league would argue it.  I had Peyton Manning and the Broncos, the year he decided to go crazy.  I had Julio Jones.  I had it all!  I was on pace at worst to make the playoffs, at best be the first back to back champion in that league.  What happened!?



Julio Jones got hurt.  My backups all got hurt.  I panicked, thinking the Broncos couldn't keep up the pace.  I traded my Broncos wide receiver (Eric Decker, owner of the title "Possibly the hottest non-supermodel-wife in all of the NFL...maybe").



I lost Julio the rest of the year.  I traded Peyton Manning.  I traded him for LeSean McCoy and Tom Brady.  An amazing trade, if I didn't decide to trade McCoy and Brady.  I panicked.  I kept trading where my starter was Case Keenum.  My teams haven't been the same since, missing the playoffs the past 2 years and hating fantasy football by week 6.

5. Last year I won 3 games...I think.  It hurts to look at.  But.  The sweetest victory was being in San Francisco.  Watching my beloved 49'ers take on the Minnesota Vikings.  I was there with my wife and my friend Aaron Pew and his wife Megan.  They are Vikings fans.  Also every year I play Pew on the 1st weekend of the year in fantasy.  He was kicking my ass.

Still to go, I had the 49'ers running back Carlos Hyde and Aaron had a Vikings wide receiver and the Vikings defense.  The game was done, he has won...  UNTIL!  Carlos Hyde did his best Adrian Peterson impression (the non hitting his kids version).  And if you're unfamiliar to fantasy football, your teams defense loses points the more points/yards they gave up.  Add in that Pew's wide receiver didn't do anything...and my team won.  This was my reaction.



This was his...



Of course the rest of the year would end up horribly.  After that victory I thought the 9ers would possibly, maybe, win at least 8 games.  They didn't.  My fantasy team followed suit, losing...a lot.

Hopefully this year is better...um, for my fantasy team.  The 49'ers are another story... I want them to lose as much as possible to get Deshaun Watson and fire their GM (I hate you Baalke!).

Now for my top 5 favorite fantasy players of all time.  Let's call it:

Jeff's Top 5 Favorite Fantasy Players of all time!

1. Cordarrelle Patterson



The year was 2014.  The man.  Cordarrelle Patterson.  I read enough fantasy projections (I hate you Matthew Berry) to believe that Patterson was the next Randy Moss.  So I got him in 3 leagues.  Yup.
3.  One of those leagues was an auction league.  Where you bid on the players and you're given a specific dollar amount for your roster.

My buddy Kyle Jensen walked in to a room, and in my excitement because he's awesome, I ended up having a 1 in front of the $25 I was planning on bidding.  Clearly nobody else was spending 1/4th of their team on one guy so I got him.  Hence the new nickname for the Vikings 5th best wide receiver, Mr. 125.

Sadly his first game he was amazing, I say sadly, because I thought it was warranted...but he went on to be a god awful acquisition.  One that I will never repeat...until this year, maybe.

2. Robert Meacham



As I said earlier, this random 3rd or 4th wide receiver altered a game/season all because of one fumble recovery.  So that makes me laugh.

Also shortly after, he had signed with the San Diego Chargers, with people thinking he was going to be amazing.  Turns out not so much, so not only did he kill people's fantasy chances one year for good reasons, he also ruined them just by adding him to your team.  Proud of you Meacham.

3. Carson Palmer



My very first draft pick of all time.  Mr. Palmer.  Cincinnati Bengal great.  Now Arizona Cardinal old man fixer upper (first Kurt Warner, now Palmer, who is next!?  If it's Kaepernick...).

I didn't know what I was doing in 2005 when I first picked him and I'm not much better 11 years later, because this is such a crap-shoot.  He did get me to a top record in my first year, unfortunately I didn't win my first year.  Well actually...I did draft the team that won the first year, but it wasn't my team...which I wouldn't repeat that feat until 10 years later.

Moral of the story, if you want me to draft your team for you, I'm 2 for 2 in championships.  And if I draft my team, I'm 4 of 11 of even making the playoffs....

4. Tom Brady



Here's Tom Brady, pictured in his only jersey worth anything.  Burn.

So Tom Brady, the year I won.  I was driven to our draft location.  I was extremely hung over.  I had planned a bachelor party for Aaron Pew, the man above in this article.  So the night before we may have gotten a little crazy.  Us being stupid, we decided to have our fantasy football draft at 1 PM the next day.  Thinking that would be a good enough time.  It wasn't.

Driven to an Old Chicago, wanting to puke, the draft had literally just started as we got inside.  I wanted Tom Brady at #3.  In our league, quarterbacks are pretty important.  So I remember having that feeling of relief of logging in right on time.  Then making 2 crappy picks right after (which I turned in to Gronk, so not too crappy).  Then forcing pizza in my body.  Then wanting to puke.  Good times!

5. Calvin Johnson



Am I bummed he retired?  Yes.  Do I understand why?  Yes.  His fingers looked all sorts of messed up.  He wasn't going to win anything being on the Lions besides pity.  I'm just disappointed because I literally just got him in my dynasty league, thinking I had him at worst for 2 more years.  Sigh.

So every time he was on my team, I knew he'd be fun to watch.  And he was.  Top 5 WR of all time (since we're on lists it goes 1. Jerry Rice 2. Randy Moss 3. Calvin Johnson 4. Cris Carter 5. Terrell Owens).  So goodbye Megatron!  I hope you don't come back since I released you and all that stuff!

Well that does it!  Fantasy football top 5's.  Don't forget to read Aaron Pew's article when that comes out, I'll probably edit this later when he does it, and supply you a link.  I'm sure his memories will be just as hilarious and fun, except for the one in San Francisco that we experienced together.

Coming up this week.  Maybe I'll play some Nintendo games and put them up?  Maybe?  But the one thing that IS happening.  The Donald Trump blog.  And it's going to be amazing.

Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman