Fake Football Favorites

Well it's the end of July, and you know what that means?!  Two things!  Fantasy Football analysis and more NFL players being arrested!

On a quick aside before we get in to this article, why not wait a good 5-10 years (based on your career) to dabble with weed?  Make your money (especially if you're good) and then do whatever you want.  Is it that hard to understand!?  Idiots!

Alright, back to football.  If you're reading this and don't play fantasy football, be prepared to enter a very weird world.  Where backup running backs on the Ravens affect championships (I still hate you La'Ron McClain and Karl Reasoner for having him).  Where you remember random Saints-Browns games from 2011.  Where you develop a bond with players who will never meet you or care about you.  It's fun stuff!

So with this article, I am going to compile my 5 favorite stories of all time with fantasy football.  I will also be picking my five favorite fantasy players, and the reason behind them being selected.  As an accompanying article, Aaron Pew will also be doing a blog on the same topic.  Tis the season for some football!

Top 5 Fantasy Football Stories OF ALL TIME!

1. I won a championship.  How did I do it?!  Trades.  In fantasy football, a trade going in your favor can really help you out, and for me, it did, big time.  I ended up getting Calvin Johnson and Rob Gronkowksi (thanks Kyle Kelly and Aaron Pew) my championship year.  But that's not why this is my favorite story.

I played in the championship against a guy named Bazemore, a man who makes the playoffs, and in this case, 4 championships in 5 years.  His team was stacked.  And how did I win?  I played a Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver by the name of Mike Williams that day.  And he destroyed.



To add insult to injury, we watched the games together that day and his stacked team underperformed. I'm not gonna lie, I may have played We Are the Champions that night, and my reward was eating at a Brazilian Carnival restaurant, where I feasted on meats and grilled pineapples in victory.

2. That same championship year, I began dating my now wife.  And I will remember this day forever, as it was the day I got in to that very championship game, by .5 points, defeating my buddy Brian Opp.  The deciding game was a 49'ers-Patriots game.  If you have read this blog, or know me, or been to my home, you know I love the 49'ers.  Unfortunately for me, my team had Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowksi, Julian Edelman Shane Vereen and the Patriots kicker. Ouchtown.  I needed my real team (the 49'ers) to win this and I needed my fantasy team (Romo Lone 2: Lost in Dallas...who Opp helped name) to win as well.

Luckily for me, the 9ers won that game, but in the final moments, after a monster game by Brady and Gronkowski, they had their kicker line up for a field goal.  Which he made.  At that time, that score put me up by 8 points.  But, as some of you hardcores know, ESPN does stat adjustments overnight.
So as I was reliving my glory from the night before I saw the score was changed...to have my victory be by .5 points.  USA!  USA!  USA!!!!

3. The Robert Meacham game.  One of my favorite days, for the sheer fact that I won a game a day after it happened.  Who can you blame?  ESPN stat adjustments.  Long story short, I had a player named Robert Meacham, who I decided to play against the man I mentioned above, Bazemore.  A fumble recovery picked up by Meacham led to a touchdown.  A touchdown that was not counted that day.

Text messages from Bazemore convinced him of certain victory.  A victory that was taken away that next day.  Good times!

4. Not all fantasy stories are happy ones.  2013.  I had one of, if not the best team.  I don't think any in our league would argue it.  I had Peyton Manning and the Broncos, the year he decided to go crazy.  I had Julio Jones.  I had it all!  I was on pace at worst to make the playoffs, at best be the first back to back champion in that league.  What happened!?



Julio Jones got hurt.  My backups all got hurt.  I panicked, thinking the Broncos couldn't keep up the pace.  I traded my Broncos wide receiver (Eric Decker, owner of the title "Possibly the hottest non-supermodel-wife in all of the NFL...maybe").



I lost Julio the rest of the year.  I traded Peyton Manning.  I traded him for LeSean McCoy and Tom Brady.  An amazing trade, if I didn't decide to trade McCoy and Brady.  I panicked.  I kept trading where my starter was Case Keenum.  My teams haven't been the same since, missing the playoffs the past 2 years and hating fantasy football by week 6.

5. Last year I won 3 games...I think.  It hurts to look at.  But.  The sweetest victory was being in San Francisco.  Watching my beloved 49'ers take on the Minnesota Vikings.  I was there with my wife and my friend Aaron Pew and his wife Megan.  They are Vikings fans.  Also every year I play Pew on the 1st weekend of the year in fantasy.  He was kicking my ass.

Still to go, I had the 49'ers running back Carlos Hyde and Aaron had a Vikings wide receiver and the Vikings defense.  The game was done, he has won...  UNTIL!  Carlos Hyde did his best Adrian Peterson impression (the non hitting his kids version).  And if you're unfamiliar to fantasy football, your teams defense loses points the more points/yards they gave up.  Add in that Pew's wide receiver didn't do anything...and my team won.  This was my reaction.



This was his...



Of course the rest of the year would end up horribly.  After that victory I thought the 9ers would possibly, maybe, win at least 8 games.  They didn't.  My fantasy team followed suit, losing...a lot.

Hopefully this year is better...um, for my fantasy team.  The 49'ers are another story... I want them to lose as much as possible to get Deshaun Watson and fire their GM (I hate you Baalke!).

Now for my top 5 favorite fantasy players of all time.  Let's call it:

Jeff's Top 5 Favorite Fantasy Players of all time!

1. Cordarrelle Patterson



The year was 2014.  The man.  Cordarrelle Patterson.  I read enough fantasy projections (I hate you Matthew Berry) to believe that Patterson was the next Randy Moss.  So I got him in 3 leagues.  Yup.
3.  One of those leagues was an auction league.  Where you bid on the players and you're given a specific dollar amount for your roster.

My buddy Kyle Jensen walked in to a room, and in my excitement because he's awesome, I ended up having a 1 in front of the $25 I was planning on bidding.  Clearly nobody else was spending 1/4th of their team on one guy so I got him.  Hence the new nickname for the Vikings 5th best wide receiver, Mr. 125.

Sadly his first game he was amazing, I say sadly, because I thought it was warranted...but he went on to be a god awful acquisition.  One that I will never repeat...until this year, maybe.

2. Robert Meacham



As I said earlier, this random 3rd or 4th wide receiver altered a game/season all because of one fumble recovery.  So that makes me laugh.

Also shortly after, he had signed with the San Diego Chargers, with people thinking he was going to be amazing.  Turns out not so much, so not only did he kill people's fantasy chances one year for good reasons, he also ruined them just by adding him to your team.  Proud of you Meacham.

3. Carson Palmer



My very first draft pick of all time.  Mr. Palmer.  Cincinnati Bengal great.  Now Arizona Cardinal old man fixer upper (first Kurt Warner, now Palmer, who is next!?  If it's Kaepernick...).

I didn't know what I was doing in 2005 when I first picked him and I'm not much better 11 years later, because this is such a crap-shoot.  He did get me to a top record in my first year, unfortunately I didn't win my first year.  Well actually...I did draft the team that won the first year, but it wasn't my team...which I wouldn't repeat that feat until 10 years later.

Moral of the story, if you want me to draft your team for you, I'm 2 for 2 in championships.  And if I draft my team, I'm 4 of 11 of even making the playoffs....

4. Tom Brady



Here's Tom Brady, pictured in his only jersey worth anything.  Burn.

So Tom Brady, the year I won.  I was driven to our draft location.  I was extremely hung over.  I had planned a bachelor party for Aaron Pew, the man above in this article.  So the night before we may have gotten a little crazy.  Us being stupid, we decided to have our fantasy football draft at 1 PM the next day.  Thinking that would be a good enough time.  It wasn't.

Driven to an Old Chicago, wanting to puke, the draft had literally just started as we got inside.  I wanted Tom Brady at #3.  In our league, quarterbacks are pretty important.  So I remember having that feeling of relief of logging in right on time.  Then making 2 crappy picks right after (which I turned in to Gronk, so not too crappy).  Then forcing pizza in my body.  Then wanting to puke.  Good times!

5. Calvin Johnson



Am I bummed he retired?  Yes.  Do I understand why?  Yes.  His fingers looked all sorts of messed up.  He wasn't going to win anything being on the Lions besides pity.  I'm just disappointed because I literally just got him in my dynasty league, thinking I had him at worst for 2 more years.  Sigh.

So every time he was on my team, I knew he'd be fun to watch.  And he was.  Top 5 WR of all time (since we're on lists it goes 1. Jerry Rice 2. Randy Moss 3. Calvin Johnson 4. Cris Carter 5. Terrell Owens).  So goodbye Megatron!  I hope you don't come back since I released you and all that stuff!

Well that does it!  Fantasy football top 5's.  Don't forget to read Aaron Pew's article when that comes out, I'll probably edit this later when he does it, and supply you a link.  I'm sure his memories will be just as hilarious and fun, except for the one in San Francisco that we experienced together.

Coming up this week.  Maybe I'll play some Nintendo games and put them up?  Maybe?  But the one thing that IS happening.  The Donald Trump blog.  And it's going to be amazing.

Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

WWE Draft: Kleeman Report Style!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcasting of top 4 lists, hating Facebook and Trump and humble bragging about my sperm working to bringing you a blog about the WWE DRAFT!

YEAH!  I know what you're thinking, a draft for a "fake" wrestling show.  Yup.  Because if you know me, I like professional wrestling and I like drafts.  Drafts of all kinds (non-military)!  So I would like to give you non-wrestling fans the opportunity to depart right now (thanks for the website hit!).  Later this week I'll play Nintendo and take some pictures, and boom, back to normal.  Until then...



For those of you still around.  Let's do this!  Because this is a really interesting time for the land of the written reality.  Splitting up the two shows and going separate ways is the best thing for their business.  Getting new match-ups and some fresh stories is essential.  So I've decided to do a top 10 (see, still a list!) of who will get picked.  Later this month we'll do a Fantasy Football one of these too, so get used to this.

First let's begin with some people who will just miss the top 10, but I want to list because they are awesome anyway.  In no particular order:

- Shinsuke Nakamura (will be in NXT for a bit, but if he's called out tomorrow I"ll probably yell out loud at home, he's amazing).
- Brock Lesnar (he's a part timer, and he just got busted for roids, so top 10?  Who knows?  But not worth it).
- Cesaro (one of the best performers on the show, except for the whole talking thing).
- Rusev (two reasons, he's awesome is first, second: Lana)
- Finn Balor (he'll be picked tomorrow for sure, and that's exciting, but not top 10 material, he's like drafting Tom Brady in Fantasy Football, you know he's a stud, but there's better positions to fill first).
- Sami Zayn (he's awesome, a future champion, but not happening in the top 10)
- Charlotte (she's Ric Flair's daughter, kind of a b on the show, current champion, but there's better women out there).
- Paige (if you read this site, you know this pains me, I AM SO SORRY PAIGE!!!!).



So let's get in to this top 10 shall we?

10. Big Cass

Big Cass is awesome.  His tag team partner is this guy:



They just scream pro wrestling.  Unfortunately, they are both so awesome, I can see them being split up.  It just makes sense...sadly.



So Big Cass goes his separate ways from Enzo.  Who knows, maybe they'll let his girlfriend Carmella come along for the ride.



Either way, Cass wins.

9. The New Day

Apparently not all tag teams get split up so...... you gotta keep these guys together.



If they are broken up, people will revolt.  I mean seriously, they bring a trombone to the ring.  A TROMBONE!!!

They have unicorn heads and talk about everything from Lil Boosie to Pokemon.  Keep them together.

NEXT!

8. Sasha Banks

She is the most popular girl on their show, best female wrestler and hall pass of Brad Simons.



She is also Snoop Dogg's cousin, so again Sasha, if you're reading this, give this guy a chance!!!



You are the best girl on the show, number 8 in the draft you go Sasha!  Sorry Paige!  I AM SO SORRY!



7. Bray Wyatt

This is a guy who they've been f'ing around with the past few years.  He always loses big matches.
Then they have him come back and start another feud, just to lose it again.  This guy should be awesome, I mean look at him!



He is simply terrifying.

Fact is, he's supposed to be the new Undertaker, so let's start treating him like it.

6. A.J. Styles

The best performer on their show all year?  Dean Ambrose?  Roman Reigns?  Nope.  It's the guy from TNA who looks like Billy Ray Cyrus.



He is definitely a top 10 pick.  He's the equivalent to taking Drew Brees with a top 10 pick if you want to get in comparisons.  A bit older but still awesome.

5. Kevin Owens

Kevin Owens possibly might be my favorite person on the show.  He's kind of a Stone Cold Steve Austin kinda character.  He's great.  His Twitter is legit awesome.  And he looks like he can kick almost anyone's ass.



Whoops, wrong picture.



Easily a main eventer for years to come.

4. John Cena

Let's get this outta the way.  John Cena is this generations Hulk Hogan or Stone Cold.  He seems to legitimately be one of the nicest guys out of the ring with his Make-A-Wish visits.  He also is in a lot of good movies and surprisingly good in them.  Also, also (also squared) he was a great host of the ESPY's last week.



With that being said, he's getting old.  He's not top 3.  And his character needs to follow the likes of Hogan and Austin and become an unbelievable heel (bad guy for those of you who decided to read this blog who don't know the lingo).

3. Roman Reigns

I dislike him immensely but I see the appeal, kinda like Justin Bieber.  He will eventually be their number 1 guy if he learns how to talk and stops using steroids.



Seriously, stop pushing him down our throats.

2. Dean Ambrose

He is the current champion.  He's my favorite, characterwise he's great.  He's like a new Roddy Piper, minus the kilt.



RIP RODDY!  So Ambrose is damn near the complete package.  He's great.  There's only one better than him.  But don't worry because you have the coolest interview person ever Ambrose.



1. Seth Rollins

He's the new Shawn Michaels.





I should rephrase that, Rollis is a new Shawn Michaels with better hair but a worse fashion sense.

He can be the best face (good guy) or best heel (again, bad guy) hands down, which is amazing because his ceiling before turning on The Shield was at best being the next Jeff Hardy.

So here is your number 1 pick...Seth Rollins!



Thanks for reading everyone!  Have a great evening.  Or morning.  Or afternoon.  Whenever you're reading this, I just sure hope it's great!

Jeff Kleeman

The Fab Four

People LOVE lists.  In my experience, especially with this blog, if you make a list, you get some hits.
I mean, look at Buzzfeed.  A website of 90% pure garbage, but you make a list of your favorite Kardashian nail polishes and boom!  Advertising.  And I want that money!  I'm having a kid, so I want them web hits, so let's do this!

The top four list will not be in any particular order.  There will already be some scandalous choices (especially with my women of Game of Thrones selections)!  Also if you're a common reader of this website, the less work I have to do on this, the better.  Let's begin with an easy one.

TOP FOUR WRESTLERS OF ALL TIME

1. Hulk Hogan
2. Stone Cold Steve Austin
3. The Rock
4. Ric Flair

See, that was easy right?  And there's no order, but it's these 4 easily.  Let's keep these lists going.

HOTTEST WOMEN ON GAME OF THRONES

1. Dany
2. Sansa
3. Missandei
4. Melisandre

Um trying to avoid spoilers, so let's just say, I'm going these four.  I have a weird thing for the witch, ask my wife.  And Missandei is the most underrated girl on the show.



NBA Mount Rushmore

1. Michael Jordan
2. Magic Johnson
3. Larry Bird
4. LeBron James

Oh no Bill Russell!?  I don't care.  He played versus less talent.  Jordan is the GOAT.  The other two because they ruled.  And LeBron because what he's done is incredible, and if he makes Space Jam 2, I'm putting him second.

Eminem Records

1. Marshall Mathers LP
2. The Eminem Show
3. Recovery
4. Slim Shady LP

Encore almost made this list, there's some good stuff on there.  Relapse was nice to have him back, but the less said the better, although 3 AM is on that.  While I'm on the topic of rap...

Best Rapper EVER

1. 2Pac
2. Jay-Z (pre-2009)
3. Biggie Smalls
4. Andre 3000

Nothing like this white boy from South Dakota picking the best rappers ever.  You mad Nas isn't on there?  Should be.  Eminem is awesome, clearly.  Kendrick Lamar?  One day.  Bubba Sparxxx,  Um...

Best Seattle Mariners

1. Ken Griffey, Jr.
2. Edgar Martinez
3. Jay Buhner
4. Harold Reynolds

Hey, they are no longer my favorite MLB team, but I can still make a random list about them, right!?
ARod will never make this because he's a jerk.  Randy Johnson is close, but let's not forget he forced a trade.  Jamie Moyer is close.  But look at Harold Reynolds.  JUST LOOK AT HIM!!!



Top Golfers 

1. Jack Nicklaus
2. Ben Hogan
3. Arnold Palmer
4. Tiger Woods

Woods you could've been #1!!!!  You and your porn stars.  And Arnold Palmer makes this strictly for being possibly the most awesome athlete of all time.

Top Four Fruits

1. Pineapple
2. Grapes (red)
3. Oranges
4. Apples (any color)

This list will get the most hate, I bet you!  You ever had grilled pineapple?  HAVE YOU!?

Adam Sandler Movies

1. Happy Gilmore
2. Billy Madison
3. Big Daddy
4. The Waterboy

Isn't it sad that nothing in the past 16 years has even come close?  THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!

Best Frozen Pizzas

1. DiGiorno
2. Party Pizza
3. Tombstone
4. California Pizza

Yeah I went California Pizza, take that Red Baron!  Party Pizza is still the bomb.  Don't believe me? Go to the grocery store, buy one, bring it here and I'll eat it and tell you as much.

Super Mario Games

1. Mario Kart
2. Super Smash Bros.
3. Super Mario World
4. Super Mario 3

Yes, Super Mario RPG is my favorite game.  But.  I just won't go and replay it like these 4.  In fact, if you want to get that Party Pizza and come over to play some Mario Kart, I'm cool.  I asked my mom if it's cool if we stay up past midnight, but you gotta go shortly after it.  Curfew.

Best Soda

1. Dr. Pepper
2. Coca Cola
3. Dad's Root Beer
4. Wild Cherry Pepsi

Am I kidding on one of the above!?  Maybe.  But it got you thinking about how awesome Dad's Root Beer is, didn't it?  Clearly 3 is Sprite.  Yum.  And caffeine free if that's a concern to you like it used to be for me.

Towns in South Dakota

1. Vermillion
2. Deadwood
3. Deadwood
4. Deadwood

I gotta put my hometown on here.  And Deadwood is the best place on the planet.  Clearly.  If you want to get nitpicky, add, um Canton at 3 and Sioux Falls at 4.  Brief aside, Sioux Falls used to be higher, but you jumped the shark at being compared to San Francisco...I've been to San Fran, and you Sioux Falls, are no San Fran.

Best SNL Cast Member

1. Will Ferrell
2. Bill Murray
3. Chris Farley
4. Fred Armisen

This was a tough list.  And I'm sure I'm going to get some guff on no women, but that's just how deep this show is/was.  My literal dream (I literally dreamed this, thanks for waking me up Brad) was to write skits for SNL and date Kristen Wiig (pre-meeting my wife, pre-Wiig kinda sucking).



And Kate McKinnon is funny as hell.  And no, I'm still not overly excited about the new Ghostbusters, and no not because it's all women, but because it looks like it sucks and Fall Out Boy remade the song.

Top 90's Things I Miss

1. Starter Jackets
2. Ecto Cooler
3. No Social Media
4. Fruit By the Foot

Top 49'ers 

1. Joe Montana
2. Jerry Rice
3. Ronnie Lott
4. Steve Young

I thought this list would be harder, but it really wasn't.

Best Chick Flick Movies From a Dude

1. Devil Wears Prada
2. Miss Congeniality
3. Bridesmaids
4. The Notebook...duh.

Gosling all the way!  Prada is one of the funniest memories I have of watching a movie (eating SpaghettiO's with my roommate Schempp and feeding them to a stray cat).

Top Ex-Girlfriend's of Derek Jeter

1. Scarlett Johansson
2. Jessica Alba
3. Minka Kelly
4. Adriana Lima



Congrats on getting married to a super model Jeter.  A starting shortstop on the Yankees who has won multiple World Series, got 3,000 hits and is almost internationally loved by the masses, even while playing on the evil Yankees, also gets a super model half your age...what does this guy get depressed about?  I bet his wi-fi never goes out and he's never stubbed his toe on anything.  Jerk.

Top Four Annoyances At This Moment

1. Trump
2. Anti-vaxxers
3. Facebook political/news conversations
4. Racists who pretend to not be racist

That's a good one to end on I think!

I could literally go on and on, hell, I almost did Top Four Kleeman Report Blogs, but there's just too many to list, amirght!?!?!

So thank you for reading.  Sorry I was a day late Dani Wooldrik, I assure you, it will happen again.

Jeff Kleeman

Holy Crap, I'm Going To Be a Dad!

I'm back!  I am pretty selfish, so I find that my blog does better numbers when I space them out.  I also find my blog does great numbers when it deals with someone being a father.  Well guess what? I'm having a kid.  Holy crap huh!?  A man who is one of the following people in this picture...



Is having a kid (actually another in that picture has a kid, not sure on the guys on both ends, no clue who they are, sure they're nice). It's pretty freaking crazy.  Luckily I couldn't have ended up with a better woman to help me do it.



So what is this blog going to be about you may ask?  Just some random thoughts about all of this baby making stuff, what I've stored up the past few weeks, waiting to write this blog.  I really hope this kid, and if we have any other, stumble upon this in the future, I will still want blog hits then, thanks kid/s!

Of course the reason for the wait wasn't just laziness this time, but a few variables.  Gotta wait a specific amount of time, had one of my best friends weddings to attend where we wanted to wait til after to announce (although I think it was figured out pretty quick), and waiting a bit longer was nice to kinda let it sink in.  The only crappy part of waiting those 3 months is you can't tell anybody, and the people you do tell, you worry will ruin the surprise.  Because on a personal and somewhat selfish level, it's pretty cool having this happen and one of the perks is doing a reveal picture like this (which got almost 400 likes, which is nowhere near the amount who read this in a week, I should have a kid more often to get more fake internet points).



In roughly 6 months a human being will be brought in to this world that we created, isn't that freaking crazy?  It's going to be great.  It's going to be tough.  And it's definitely going to affect a lot of our hobbies.  Less adventures (still going to Wrestlemania though, thanks Heather!), a lot less sleeping in, hopefully not less romance time, and the hobbies I've already tried to set out to do that I haven't touched yet, don't have that great a chance to get started...yet anyway (sorry keyboard!).  And at the same time, it is the greatest, most exciting thing to happen, it's crazy.

I'm already looking forward to the first step, the first word and the first time I get pee on my face (unintentionally get peed on, amiright?...just kidding, but that joke was too good to pass up...on second thought, I really hope the kid doesn't read this in the future).

Some fears of mine involving the next few months and after?  Facebook.  I'll get in to that in a much later blog, because I don't want to sound like a jerk...not yet anyway.  But oversharing pictures my kid is something I don't want myself or others to do, it's just a personal preference, especially with some crazies out there.

People getting too involved that aren't the parents is another fear.  Also trying to figure out everything that comes with having a kid is scary, which I'm currently reading a book, month by month, on all to expect.  It's not rocket science, if Kris Jenner can do it, anyone can right?



A big reason I'm pretty excited to become a dad is because I never had one.  Mine bolted before I was born, trust me, after finding out about him it's for the best.  So growing up, even when I was a kid, I always knew I wanted to be a dad and have a family one day, so all of this is crazy.  Step one to being a better dad than that asshole, actually being around for the kid. Step two, not being him.  That simple, right?  Really looking forward to sporting events, 49'ers games, catch, basically anything sports huh?  Boy or girl, doesn't matter.

Another reason I'm excited to have a kid, 90% of my friends seem to have one now, which is really cool.  I got to hang with my two friends kids the other night, got to experience a bit of what it'll be like to be a parent, half hilarious, half frustration, all I know is, I can see why all my friends with kids are getting grey faster than those without.

So coming up you'll get your usual blogs.  I won't change much, in fact I may start writing blogs at a better pace now that things are winding down a bit.  Just got two new Nintendo games, and I'm really excited to write about them (Bubble Bobble and Kirby's Adventure), I have a "For-profit colleges" blog, with my thoughts on them, and I will be ranking the top 10 Disney movies, all from my weird perspective.

Interspersed in between will be one of the millions of blogs about becoming a father.  So the next six months should be a wild ride.  Can't wait.  As usual, thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman

Guess Who's Back?

I am back!!!  Sorry for the long delay, but I didn't feel like doing the blog for a few reasons.

1. I was super lazy and had nothing to write about.
2. I moved!

So I moved back to my hometown of Vermillion, SD.  The town I grew up at, went to college in, and eventually got burned out on.  And now look at me!  I'm back!  Back as a married man, with experiences of living elsewhere (Sioux Falls and Lincoln...so it's not like I went to South America).

Speaking of Lincoln, quick goodbye to the city I thought I'd never like.  As a non-Husker fan, I went in to the move...let's say not the most excited.  But, what ended up happening was the city became quite the surprise.  There's a lot to do.  The Husker fans weren't that bad (out of town fans are 10x worse).  Tons of concerts, places to eat, a lot of new friends were made.  Most importantly, a lot of big life experiences happened there.  We rescued a dog.  I got engaged.  I worked at the most bipolar job (longest place I've ever worked, oddly, also may do a blog about it someday, but not sure how nice it'll be).  Oh and I got married!

Lucky me!

Now while I will miss Lincoln, I am quite excited to be back in my hometown.  That also got me thinking, what else should come back?  What things need to make a return?  Ecto Cooler is coming back, which because of this blog, I found out a lot of my friends are fellow "Ecto's" (I made that word up, and I will not apologize).

Is there a dude version of this shirt?

So let's go through a list of what needs to come back starting with...

This.... all of this.  Crystal Clear Pepsi needs to come back RIGHT NOW.  Come on!  It's EVERYTHING!!!  - Van Halen

Seriously, let's get this to come back, bring it back sporadically like the McRib!  Surge is back, and people were excited, but guess what?  Surge sucks compared to Crystal Clear Pepsi.  Get this done, bring back Van Haggar even!

You know what else needs to come back?  Rock stars.  Who is the biggest rock star now not over the age of 40?  Seriously.  Who is the lead singer of Imagine Dragons?

Answer: This guy!

Flip phones.  Need to come back in a big way.  I don't even care if it's a smart phone.  I just want to turn off my cell phone like an adult and flip it off!  Well, not in the traditional sense, but you get the gist.

Next is a well known complaint of many, MTV.  But it's not what you think.  What we over glorify is how that channel was awesome back in the day.  They sort of were, but not because of the music videos.  It was because of Rock N Jock!!!

You're welcome, that video up there is the ENTIRE GAME!  Key ingredients, sprinkle in some hosts of your video shows, add in a little actors and rock stars, then BOOM, get the best players of the era and you got yourself a hit show.  Maybe even have Daisy Fuentes come back to host, she's probably aged well....wait...

SHE MARRIED RICHARD MARX!?!?

Wow.  She really married Richard Marx.  Um, next on the list, bring back Richard Marx?  We can use some more catchy, light music in our lives.

Something else we need more of in our lives?  Psychics.  Lady Cleo, I'm looking at you girl.

Someone should call this, let me know what happens.

I wanted my psychics to be paid like they should, by calling an 800 number and giving your credit card information.  None of this tarot reading crap.  Or random people who think they are mediums.
We need you Lady Cleo, you're our only hope.

Sport movies, not as good.  You want to see the '27 Yankees of sports movies?  Look no further than the following:

Rookie of the Year
Little Giants
Ladybugs
The Sandlot

Burn.

Kids today have crap for movies and more options to watch them in.  Get some awesome movies made for the new generation of kids, where they have misadventures, get some hot girl and try some cigs for the first time.

POLITICAL OPINION:  How about have the jerk businessman go back to being a businessman so idiots don't vote for him (if you don't think you're an idiot, you are).

So true.

Baseball needs to be awesome again.  The NFL is starting to get in to overkill zone (I still love it, but...overkill).  The NBA, while having the most talent in history, is super boring to me.  Hockey is fun, but whatevs.  Up until 1994, it would be argued baseball was just as big as football.  How about get back to that?  Only difference of course, listen to the Bryce Harper's, make it a tad more interesting...actually, maybe that's my next blog...for all you baseball fanatics out there.

Quick roll call of other things that should come back:

-Dunkaroos
-Saturday morning cartoons
-Rollerblading being "a thing" (Lincoln, Nebraska has the Roller Skating Museum, I so went to that, you should to!)
-MTV's  Yo Mama (Wilmer needs some work!)
-SNICK
-LA Gear shoes

Well that should do it for tonight.  There's clearly a lot of things that need to be brought back, I can't list them all here because, well I'm lazy and I just moved.  So if you have any to add, feel free!

Thanks for reading,

Jeff Kleeman

It All Went Straight to Hail

TYLER STOKES/Courtesy Photo

We now interrupt the previously scheduled blog, to type about the night it all went to hail.  Not literally, it was still a fantastic night.  As you can see from the picture above, that I so graciously borrowed from someone I've never met (great pic!), we had quite the storm in Lincoln yesterday.

Now usually I love storms.  I LOVE ME SOME STORMS!  I like the rain.  I like hearing thunder, seeing the lightning... reminds me of a Selena Gomez song.

But not on this night.  This night, I had me some Monday Night Raw to attend!  So I live in Lincoln, Nebraska, the show was in Omaha.  A good 45 minute trip.  My friend/wife's coworker/wife's friend-as-well named Adam, had scored some awesome tickets to see the show.  I've been a wrestling fan since I was a kid, so I was in.  Unfortunately, the weather hates us and had different ideas. 

Day of the event (yesterday), the weather was amazing, until literally it was time to leave.  Then like a Texas Tornado (get it!?) we got Tornado Punched in to submission by the weather.

Ouch town Mr. Perefct.  RIP to the both of you.

A tornado was spotted in Lincoln, 4:30 PM, CT.  Show's at 7 PM, so whatevs.  Warnings done at 5 PM, we got plenty of time for the tornado to leave, then we head to see some glorious pro wrestling. 
Yup....no problem at all.  That is until 5 PM hits and it's extended to 5:15 PM, CT.  WHY!? 

Because of certain rules and regulations, I won't say what my friends job is (not a drug dealer), but he had to finish a part of work for the day.  So around 5:45 PM, CT (I don't know why I find it funny I'm putting in CT, but I'm gonna keep doing it) he's done.  His coworker (also, not a drug dealer) alerts us that it is still hailing and raining hard outside, which we ignore (she called us idiots...repeatedly), we got wrestling to go see!

We out!

Upon leaving my friend gets a call, current time 5:53 PM, CT (still doing it).  His basement has flooded.  DAMN IT!  We gotta go back and clean that sucker out! 

The water was FREEZING on that floor

I would say for a solid 20 minutes, he with a Swiffer and I with a broom, waded the water over to the side of a house with a drain.  And I'd like to brag about this, I feel we got rid of a decent sum, AND I found an Inception blu-ray floating towards me, which made me wonder if this was all a dream to begin with!

It was only just a dream - Nelly

6:15 PM, CT, boom, we out.  Wrestling time.  Are we driving through a rain storm with hail?  Um, yes.  Did I make 3-4 Halestorm jokes during the drive.  Maybe I did...

She gets off...on you!

Show's at 7:00 PM, if we hit it just right, we can get there for the pyro and all that jazz (not literally jazz, think mid-2000's rock).  One problem.  Lincoln, NE is set up horrendously to get to the interstate, especially if you live in the middle of town.  Now I love Lincoln, NE.  I'm moving soon, and I will quite miss it, even you crazy Husker fans.  But what I will not miss, is your horrendous ROAD SET UP!

6:30 PM, CT, we're on the interstate.  Still raining.  It is the worst!  And in true wrestling speak, us faces, we met our heel.  The Basic Bandana Bitch.  Triple B.  Driving like a mad woman, and this is no fury road (references galore today!).  She is a lane changing!  Woooo!  Hydo-planing!  Wooo!  Non-personal landscaping (assuming)!  Woo!  Son of a gun.  She is pure evil.  And if she is still alive after how she drove, you are unstoppable, and even the 4 Horsemen (of the Apocalypse or wrestlers) couldn't stop you. 

Your'e driving crazy tonight!  - Ric Flair, probs at one point

7:08 PM, CT.  We made it.  Homeboy Adam (not his real nickname) got us parking passes directly in the arena area.  Baller status.  We did it, wrestling time. 

If you're unfamiliar with my wrestling recaps (and most of you are), let me explain the process here.  I like to recap for people who may not watch WWE, in a humorous, yet informative way.  So I'll go match by match, providing recaps, real time stories and personal thoughts on the night.  So let's start where every story usually does (non-Tarantino ones anyway) at the beginning.

7 Feet Tall

We got in right as the legendary Chris Jericho was "getting in to it" with the new up-and-comer Big Cass...who is SEVEN FEET TALL AND YOU CAN'T TEACH THAT!

Cass has a side-kick/tag team partner named Enzo Amore, but he is injured after damn near being guillotined by the ropes last week.  So here he is, confronting Jericho and being awesome.  In five years, Big Cass will be huge, feel free to reference this site.

Guess which one I've met!?

The next match was Dolph Ziggler (Amy Schumer ex, Jeff Kleeman hater), fan favorite, loser of all matches, but should be more famous and higher on the card then he is, versus Baron Corbin, recent call up, former Arizona Cardinal and future endorser of Rogaine.

Average match, the crowd was oddly in to Corbin who is the bad guy.  Fans are so fickle these days!

No picture needed for the next match.  It's too depressing, although one of my favorites, Tyler Breeze, made it on the show which is nice.

If Zoolander was a wrestler.

For those of you who don't know who he is, and you should because he's great, Breeze is a male model, Zoolander type and walks out with a selfie stick, so clearly he's a bad guy.  I think they even won, I tried to get food because I was starving so I have no clue.

This is her house!!!  Sort of...

Luckily I made it back from my food fail, because up next is WWE Women's Champion Charlotte versus my personal favorite lady on the show, Paige (shown above). Think a goth lady, possibly suffers from being bi-polar, and loves wearing black.

Her opponent Charlotte is Ric Flair's daughter, which, while she is great, means they draw back on everything her dad did, robe included.

Woooooo!

Only thing missing is three lackey's for her to be the boss of...which won't be far off, and would be a great idea actually (Emma, Dana Brooke and Summer maybe?).

Ole ole ole ole!

Up next was the match of the night.  The Miz, the bad guy "Hollywood" guy with his pretty wife Maryse (spotted below) and up and comer Sami Zayn.  Sami Zayn is one of their most talented people they have, and the crowd was way in to it.  The Miz is great at being a bad guy, I believe I even threw a couple zingers about his Real World past (nobody got my Coral joke, look it up).  I'm 33 by the way.  You'll be reminded of that later on.

The Miz and Maryse

Next is the WWE WORLD CHAMPION Roman Reigns and his cousins the Uso's versus AJ Styles and, let's just call them the Bullet Club...or "The Club" as they are now referred to.

The champ...is....hated.

Roman Reigns is cousins with the Rock.  So they are trying to make him in to a hybrid version of The Rock and John Cena, so older, smarter people hate him.  Kids love him.  Simple as that.  His opponent is AJ Styles, one of the best wrestlers in the world AND Billy Ray Cyrus lookalike.

Don't tear his heart!

The match was pretty fun, and insanely loud, again, quite the surprise as the WWE are starting a "new era" so guys like AJ Styles and Sami Zayn are still incredibly new, but the fans were really getting behind them, which is promising.  Match ended in a DQ because on these shows, you can never have either side convincingly win, because they need you to buy the pay per view or the WWE Network, for the convenient price of $9.99 (they may have said that a time or two last night)!

Perfect timing on the picture

That beautiful man is Kevin Owens.  He is a dick.  And he is awesome.  He's an awesome dick.  He faced off against Zach Ryder, beat him, end of story.  Kevin Owens deserves the world, and you should follow him on Twitter, he is such a great family man and calls out jerks on the internet (I hope he's not mad I called him a dick!  It was a compliment!).

Some kids just hit puberty

That saucy minx above is Lana.  She is the manager of her real life fiance Rusev, who is this guy.

Rusev crush

Moral of the story, don't even look at Lana.  I won't get too in to this one, because I ran to get some swag.  And also because he faced a team called the Lucha Dragons, and they kinda bore me.  And that's not hating on lucha libre, because I LOVE Lucha Underground, I just can't get in to them. Sorry, not sorry.  But at least you got some Lana!

It's a NEW DAY!

The part that my wife and I were most excited for, was a group called The New Day.  They consist of Xavier Woods, Big E and Kofi Kingston.  Here they are...

Best photo bomb ever from the wife.

They are amazing.  Their swag has shirts of them riding a unicorn, unicorn horns, and my personal favorite...a cereal box.  Did I buy one?  Damn right I did.  I'm 33.

These ain't booty!

They faced off against the Dudley Boyz.  Sadly they lost, but they won that night...they won all of Omaha's hearts.

The final part of the night, was surprisingly not a match, as Chris Jericho was jumped by his rival Dean Ambrose.  As you can see below, Ambrose stole his coat, and proceeded to cut it with scissors, ruining that beautiful jacket.

Ruined a perfectly good jacket!

Thankfully that was the end of the night, as we were exhausted.  It was a perfect storm...if you will, of a memorable night.  One that Adam surely will never forget, being his first (probably last) wrestling event.  As you can see below, you can flood his home and take away his sleep, but you can't take away his fun (I have no reverse flood analogy, that just sucks what happened to the house)!

He will never be the same.

And as always, to my lovely wife Heather, who goes on these trips with no fuss and arguably gets more in to it than me, you rule.  Below is her selfie with Chris Jericho yelling at us behind her!

Behind us, Jericho is VERY UPSET about the jacket!

As always, thank you all for reading, eventually I'll get around to this Nintendo game blog, but dammit, I'm an adult, I don't have time for such childish stuff!  You'll be getting some other stuff as well, including a reflection on my three years here in Lincoln, Nebraska coming to a close.  That should be a good one!

Thanks for reading, til next time.

Jeff Kleeman