I Have Poop On My Hands: Year One

Thanks for coming back!  This blog will detail everything I've learned about becoming a dad, and on the bottom of the page will be an important announcement about the Kleeman Report and something new that we're trying very soon.

It has been over a year now that I've been lucky enough to be the father of an amazing baby girl.  In that year I have learned a lot.  I've done a lot of things I never thought would be possible.  I've grown as a human being.  Also, I still somehow have my hair.

Still have hair.  Beck approved. 

The other day while changing my daughters diaper, I literally grabbed poop with my bare hand.  And while holding that poop I thought to myself, "This would make an amazing blog".  So here we are, the top things I've learned in the past year from being a parent.

- We'll start with the poop.  I was terrified of changing diapers before she came along.  But in all honesty, changing diapers isn't that bad.  There's been some truly crappy days (get it!?), but other than that there's worse (try getting boogers out, she avoids wipes like the plague).

But the main surprise out of year one.  I literally had to grab a poop off the floor.  And it was horrible.  And I've had to grab poop off of my clothes.  And out of her hair (don't ask).

I've also gotten the triple crown of diaper changes, in a car, on a boat, and in a bathroom on an airplane.  That's now on my resume btw.

- Toys.  Hundreds of hundreds of dollars worth of toys.  I've known for years kids would rather play with a box or bubble wrap, I never knew kids would throw all their toys away in a minute just to play with this:



Every remote control in the house has to be locked up...out of arms reach.  She reprogrammed our cable box.  She has almost put a parental lock on our television.  So either she's super tech savvy, or she really wants us to not watch TV.

And the things she finds.  So much danger averted daily.  Like every day (- Dustin Schempp).  My wife had a knife joke to add to this, but the thought is just so frightening that I'll gladly have my child lock me out of my television before she gets close to anything more dangerous.

- My baby could star in the remake of The Rock.  I'll be Sean Connery, she'll be Nicolas Cage, but not creepy and a better actor.



We'll get Ed Harris for the sequel, because Ed Harris rules.



We can set up any blockade.  Any barrier.  Anything.  My daughter will somehow get out of it.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to start training her to break in to a bank vault and see what she can get.  It'd be just my luck though that she'd come out with a remote control.




- for you parents out there.  Remember sleeping in?  Newsflash, there's not much sleep with being a parent.  I was ready for it, but I wasn't prepared.  Does that make sense?  I knew there'd be no sleep, and I was fine staying up late, but I was surprised how not fine I was to wake up after 30 minutes to 2 hours of sleep.  It was a lot to get used to.

Side effect of that?  I can now match The Rock on his schedule (google it, it's insane).  That dude wakes up at 4 am to work out and start his day (glaring difference, our workouts are 100x different).  I can now survive off of about any amount of sleep, if you see me on the regular you'll for sure hear me complain about it, because it sucks, but I can do it.  And that's half the battle.

- freaking television commercials where a child ages in front of your eyes.  Then it shows the dad at the end all proud...I now HATE those commercials.  Not because they are bad, but...well Bojack will explain:



Those damn commercials just tug at my heartstrings.  And if there's a TV show or movie and it deals with a kid, specifically a daughter, get outta here!  I get super angry and invested.  I've now watched the movie Taken 35 times this year, for training.



- I have aged.  I think?  Not as well as Matt Damon did surely...



Literally one morning after a long night, I looked in the mirror and was like, "Damn, I look old!".  Which comes with the territory of being in your mid-30's, but still...it's happening.  My theory pre-child was right on the money.  I went to my 10 year high school reunion in 2010 (Class of 2000!).

I looked around, and no offense to those of you who read this and had kids at that time....but I thought, "Holy crap, some people look old as s**t".  Now keep in mind, at that time I was a party going, energetic 28 years old.  I was single at the time (I think?), no child, could sleep in whenever, could go on a brisk jog whenever.  Fast forward 8 years later, and I'm now one of you.

Could be worse though, I could be a single 35 year old....and that'd just be embarrassing. (that one is probably more offensive than looking old at 28...damned if I do, damned if I don't...)

- Quick, what's the hardest thing about being a parent?  Any guesses!?

It's this:



They don't stay on.  Or one is always lost or missing after laundry.  Or she tries eating them.  Just something about these make them my krytonite.

Which is the ultimate irony, because if you know me, I have one of 3 collections (you have to collect things when you're older to stay young I think?)

- classic NES games (I have 21 to go, hit me up if you have any!)

Not my actual collection

- 1990's WWF Hasbro figures (not ashamed)

Not my actual collection

- socks...tons and tons of socks (picture not needed, visit my Instagram if you want to see them at: https://www.instagram.com/jeffkleeman/ 

For all the socks she loses, I will now purchase 2 pairs...it's only fair...and my wife just gave me a look.  Never mind on the sock purchases!

-  Finally, other parents.  Every version of me, Jeff Kleeman, has judged parents.  I judge everybody, it's just what I do.  I'm a people watcher, and I love analyzing everything to death, so of course I always thought most parents were just awful, or crappy.  Oh, your kid is screaming in the middle of the store?  Quiet that kid down!

Now I get it...half the time.  Now you can call me crazy for saying this, but kids have a mind of their own!  They do!  So now I can relate to the parent trying to calm their kid down from a meltdown.  Or running all over the place after your kid.  Or parents getting to a family gathering and handing their kids off and dong whatever, you need a break, again...I get it!

That being said, the other half of parents still suck.  Some people don't discipline their kids.  Or help them learn and be better people.  And that's disappointing, because those kids will grow up to do the same.  But that's a whole other blog (tentatively titled: 98% of All People Suck, Here's Why!).

So thank you for reading!  If anybody has anything to add, feel free to post in the comment section on Facebook or right here on this very blog!  Thank you all for reading!

Jeff Kleeman

ANNOUNCEMENT:  

I am very glad to announce that my hilarious cousin/brother Brad Simons and I will be starting a podcast very shortly called Rushmore Review.



We will be reviewing pop culture topics, one per week, and doing a top 4 each...our own personal Mount Rushmore if you will.

Also, I will be making a Facebook page for Kleeman Report shortly, which hopefully you all will join.  I will post the blog and podcast links there, as well as some "classic" reports from the past.

Thanks to everyone for reading, and very shortly, listening.  And if anybody knows Argo corn starch people, we are very interested in them as a sponsor.

Until next time!

Viva! Las Baby!

So let's skip the "It's been a while since my last blog" stuff and get right to it.  This week you'll never even know I was gone, because I have THAT MUCH MATERIAL!  Finally!  First on the agenda... I brought my kid to Vegas and lived to tell about it!

I have now been to Vegas 4 times, 2 of the 3 times were drunken debaucheries (one boys trip, one bachelor/bachelorette Rat Pack party) that I'll forever remember.  One was a very relaxing trip with my girlfriend at the time, who now I'm lucky to say is my wife.  So I love Vegas, but a kid!?  What do you do with a three month old!?

What's that you say?  "Jeff, I saw The Hangover, having a baby in Vegas is hilarious and fun!"  Yeah, you're right, about half of the time it is.  So let's get in to a recap of my time with my wife and three month old child in Vegas.

Day 1

Babies first flight and....it oddly went damn near flawless.  The funny thing with kids and flying, it goes together like Kendall Jenner and Pepsi commercials, it's just a bad idea.



In my single days I would feel so bad for the parents who had the crying kid on a flight.  The kid doesn't know what's going on, so I can't blame him/her/gender fluid (lol, story later on that) for crying hysterically while embarrassed parents wait for it to be over.  So I was clearly expecting the worst.

Her very first flight though?  Not a peep.  Worked out great.  Layover in Denver, where we literally sprint from one end of the airport to the other to hit our connecting flight....we made it.  Still no crying.  We board the plane and wouldn't you know it, we're seated next to a douchy kid with headphones on who death glares us as we sit down.  The babies reaction?  A minor cry, but a massive poop has just transpired.  Totally inconveniencing the massive piece of crap who is sitting next to us.

So I change my first diaper on a plane, she's sliding everywhere, but we make it out without any crap or poop on us, sadly none to wipe accidentally on the ass sitting next to us.  God I hate that guy, and I will forever...

Also, I find it funny that my child and I had our first flights be to Vegas.  But I also find it funny that I was 24, and she wasn't even 3 months yet.  Silly.

Back to the story!

We land in Vegas!  Sin City!  We made it!  I am just amazed at how flawless this is going so far.  The only hang up, our amazing rental car, I can't find where to start the damn thing!?  OH MY GOD YOU START IT IN THE DASH!



Lincoln MKZ, you stole my heart.  And it's such a smooth ride!  Baby Zoe approved.



Some day, it will be mine.



So we drive to our resort, which actually isn't in Vegas, it's in the criminally underrated town of Henderson, NV.  We stayed at the Green Valley Ranch, which unlike most places I've stayed in Vegas, would love to go back to (sorry Luxor, you suck, Circus Circus was fine, and that weird house we stayed at, I still feel dirty):



I miss the pool already.  Speaking of which, let's get to Day 2!

Day 2

My wife has a conference, so it's just me and the baby, the first day is the entire day.  You read that correctly, it's just my baby and I.  At a casino.  For 8 hours.  What to do....

BUFFET.  POOL.  REPEAT.

But here's a tip.  Some people suck.  So you may be eating at a delicious buffet while your kid is sleeping in her car seat.  That won't stop old people from sneak attacking and trying to grab the stroller, moving it while going "OOHHHH CUTE BABY!"  Or people walking by and staring at you and your child.  Or people coming up to you for awkward conversation.

It's definitely the weirdest thing I've noticed with having a child...I was already very approachable, but now with the kid, it's a whole new world.  Also, and my wife agrees, it makes you more approachable to the opposite sex, which my friend Kyle said must appeal to a very specific demographic.

Also, back to the gender fluid comment from earlier, even if my child is wearing a bow, people will assume she is a boy.  It's the funniest thing ever.  I don't care, but I care.  So maybe strangers can try to say, nice baby or nice child.  Try to stay away from the assumptions ya jerks.

Random day 1 observations from Vegas:

- Fat Burger is one of the worst fast food burgers I've had, think Shake Shack without the amazing shake selection added in and grease staining my shoes.



I still have heartburn.

- CRAP WE FORGOT TO GET IN N OUT!  UGGGHHHHH!

- Pepsi is everywhere.  Every restaurant.  Every shop.  Couldn't find a Coke to save my life, and I'm quitting soda this week, so...thanks Vegas.

- Bring your baby to a pool in Vegas, order a drink thinking "Oh, the kid is doing great!"  Then as soon as the lady gets your drink, which takes forever in Vegas btw, your kid starts losing it.  Turns in to me downing a Shock Top and running to the hotel room.

- The most relieved I've ever been may be when my wife got out of the conference for the day.  I may have cried.  I'll admit it.

- Great sushi place there.  I found out my wife HATES oysters.  MORE FOR ME!

Let's get to day 3.

Day 3

Man do I want to gamble.  But you can't gamble with your child around you in Vegas.  You can here in South Dakota...I've seen it first hand!  Slot tourney in Deadwood, and this lady puffing a cigarette, while simultaneously holding her child and hitting buttons.  It was truly the third most impressive thing I've ever seen in my life (text me or write below what the first two are, if you are a friend of mine, you can probably name one of the top 2).

So since I can't gamble, I do the same exact thing as I did the day before hahahahaha.  Yeah.

BUFFET!  POOL!  REPEAT!

It's around this time I get one of those "I'm not from here tans/sunburns", then when you get back home to the mid-west during this time of year, someone always goes "Well it looks like someone got some SUN!?!?"  Always.  Happens.  Seriously.

Random observations from Day 3:

- Carmine's at Caesar's Palace is amazing.  It's this family Italian Restaurant.  But when you're a family of two adult human beings and one small child... we ate a good half of it and I was uncomfortable.  But great place to eat.

- Las Vegas is probably the easiest city I've ever had to drive in.  San Francisco clearly being the worst.  People were even polite on the road, it must've been the amazing Lincoln MKZ.

- The Forum shops are awesome in Vegas.

- Really debated a jacket until I texted my buddy Dino.  He wasn't a fan.

- The strip is still amazing.  Just incredible.  I want to go back already.  Let's go to Day 4.

Day 4

Probably the hardest day with the kid.  I've been sick the past 2 weeks, just now getting over it actually.  I think she may have caught it.  Or the time difference was f'ing her up.  Regardless she was having a day.  So instead of the usual "oh cute babeeeeee!" responses, I was carting her back to the hotel room as fast as possible to people going "aaaawwwwwwwww" to her crying.

Hotel room morning on this one, but I did watch Cheaters all morning...so I had that going for me.

That afternoon when Heather (my awesome wife) finished up, I got to gamble.  Finally!!!!

Now I'm a roulette fiend.  I love playing it, so I went to the video roulette table and met some new "friends".  Some nice gentleman who were roulette "experts" and told me to go along for a ride with them on their roulette plans.  At the time I was up about 80 bucks off of 20, so I politely declined.  I also declined the weed they offered me...every single time.

After leaving my new friends, my wife and I visited the lovely mall of Henderson, before meeting my wife's awesome friend Frances for dinner that night.  Luckily, Frances's boyfriend really wanted to go gamble.  So part 2!!!  More roulette.  More winning.  I finally beat Vegas...better than my usual losing money there.  Not as good as my friend winning up to 4k off of $20, and definitely not as good/bad as my buddy getting up to about 18k off a $20 and then losing it all.

Random observations:

- We'll always remember Svetla.  The nice, older roulette lady.  Think of a hot older lady in a James Bond movie.

- I may have met Juicy J and didn't realize it at the mall.  Or at least his friend.  We had a good talk.

This was our final night in Vegas, sadly.  It always goes too quick.  So day 5 is more of.....

Day 5

Cheaters!  I watched so much Cheaters in the morning.  People are horrible, even on scripted "reality" shows.

While waiting for my wife I did one last loop around the awesome place we stayed at.  Got some delicious salmon bagels at a cafe, and had one last meltdown from my child.  The funny part of this was, it wasn't that bad with my kid.  She's awesome.  After this meltdown she went to sleep, and since we were leaving and it was windy as hell outside, I just stayed in, I'm lucky enough to go to Vegas for 4 days, so I can call this morning a wash.

Sure there were some things I couldn't do, like gamble non-stop or go to gentleman's clubs, but she basically saved me from wasting a lot of money.  And I know my wife loved having her there as well, cries and all.  But she's awesome.  We even got this amazing poolside picture of her, see!



The flight back went great.  She didn't cry for more than a few seconds on either of the flights.  She actually fell asleep in the most uncomfortable looking position, but didn't make a peep.  We actually got complements from other passengers who were amazed at how quiet she was.  (I actually have never been glared at until I got back home the following day and some b death glared me at the grocery store.  I now have another enemy...that's now 9 people I'm enemies with in my entire life, feel free to text or list below if you think you can name the other 8)

So now, when we go to Chicago in two months, I am fully prepared for her to have a complete meltdown on the flights, and meltdown free on the trip itself.  Babies man, it's like they got a mind of their own.  But I'm looking forward to taking her to Wrigley and everywhere else she won't remember.

Thanks for reading.  I'm back!  Later this week will be which college and NFL team have the worst fans?  If it's anything like my Facebook status about that topic, it will be quite the read.  The easy answer is...everyone but your team.

Thanks again!  'Til net time.

Jeff Kleeman

Fatherhood

I have now been a father for over a week.  Let me repeat that again if that first sentence didn't seem believable.  I have now been a father...FOR OVER A WEEK!

It's awesome.  It's one of the craziest/amazing/awesome experiences of my life.  So the following are going to be things I have learned from the past week.  Maybe a story thrown in here and there.  So enjoy the read!

* Disclosure, plan to not share my daughters photo on this blog, and sparingly on Facebook is working great.  So no photos on here for a long time, sorry baby picture enthusiasts.  And Facebook friends, she will be put up sparingly as planned, which with our experience was probably the reason our kids photo got a large amount of likes.  Less is more.

So let's start with the actual process of the birth.  To you fellow novices out there, it's not like the movies.

Oh man, it is not.  When you initially think about the day of the pregnancy, you think you'll be dodging heavy traffic, while she's yelling at you in the passenger seat, making it to the hospital just in time to meet nurses, waiting at the door.  Then the kid comes out 20 minutes later.  The end.

Ha, it doesn't happen that way, besides the wife yelling at your driving part.  It was a process for sure, that's for sure.  And ladies, not that I didn't respect you before (except the Kardashian's, no respect for them, except you Kylie), but wow, you are tough.  My wife birthed a 9 pound 11 ounce kid.  I'm typing this now, crying because I have to poop really, really bad.  That's impressive.

Not only that, an epidural seems like a torture that James Bond would have to endure.  I'd rather take take a laser to the nuts, or sharks with laser beams on their head, rather than experience the pain my wife went through with that.

The actual birth was memorable.  It started on 1-11 in room 111, and we hit 11:11 PM...and it kept going.

She was born at 12:13 AM on 1-12.  So if you like the classics Peaches & Cream and It's Over Now by 112, it's an easy birthday to remember (I'm such a fanboy)!



I was in the room for the process, the only thing I will share, because it's personal, is that seeing the child peek out of there is the most out of body experience ever.  Seeing a human being you've been talking to through a belly for months, peeking out, about to actually come in the world, it's life changing for sure.  I'd be tearing up right now, but again, I really have to poop.

The funny things I did notice that I will share, are the following:

- pregnant women have no shame.
- the push to get the child out is exactly like the movies, swearing and all
- we had a rock star doctor, who I don't know how she focused on the distractions of one too many people in the room, but she did it.  Hats off.
- we had music playing in the background, thought it'd be cool if she came out to an awesome song, "Best Day of My Life" as an example, but I think she came in to Mumford & Sons, she's such a music snob already.
- That first night I don't think I slept?  I think?  Unless I did.  Actually the next 3 days I didn't much, not complaining, just letting you know, if I have any spelling errors, I'm quite sleep deprived.  I had about 6 1/2 hours of sleep those first three nights, my wife even less.

So those were some observations from that night/day.  Here are some from the following days.

- breast feeding in theory looks easy, again I blame the movies and TV.  You don't just whip it out and they start eating right away, more of a process to it.  So if you happen upon this and get discouraged, it's fine, it happens to all.  Did I know that before?  No.  That's why there should be a Schempp Expose or a Reasoner Roundup or a Coley Calling All Friends (my friends who had kids before me who clearly could've written a weekly humorous blog...you're welcome for the cool names if you ever decide to write one fellas).

- I can now spot nipple cream containers from across the room...just thought I'd share that info.
- you can buy any amount of things that may work to help your child sleep, we got a bassinet that's the bomb...in theory.  But does she like that?  Nah, she likes a hand me down rocker-type thing the most.  It vibrates!

- women love newborn babies, I knew this before, but not to this extent.  If I take my daughter anywhere, she will be smothered by people.  Which is awesome, no complaints, I just hope they washed their hands.

* unrelated, but I bet if my male friends that are single babysat my kid, they could take her to a park or something and INSTANTLY get attention from single women.  I may have to charge them for this magical idea.

- poop comes out of your clothes, milk vomit doesn't....at first.

- black poop is a thing.  Surprisingly poop doesn't gross me out as much as I thought it was going to, but according to my friends, it's that 2 1/2 year old poop you gotta watch out for.

- 3 AM TV isn't too bad, tons of infomercials, SportsCenter and music videos are actually played on MTV.

- you can still do what you did before, just pick your time.  I like video games still, and crushing our Netflix queue.  Exercising sucks, but I like to do it, it's still all possible.  So don't think your life is over.  And yes, you can still go on trips...according to my friends, that idea I will definitely write about when we try that this summer (Chicago!).

- you will find people give unwanted parenting advice, for the good info, take it, lock it up, and keep it.  For the dumb stuff, smile and nod and listen to It's Over Now by 112 in your head, then forget it ever happened.

- your phone will blow up the day you announce.  People you haven't heard from in years, asking how the kid is, maybe shocked you procreated.  The coolest part of the messages we received, people seemingly liked the name of our child (that's the best humble brag of all, because I love the name Zoe).

- my friends in the past year (except Matt) have seemingly only had boys.  You know what that means?  Get in line boys, because they can date our daughter in the future, and we can have shared holiday's and life will be awesome.  Ha, or she'll make her own decisions, probably date at least one guy I dislike until meeting someone awesome...please don't grow up too fast Zoe!

- And finally, I said it earlier, but my wife is a rock star.  The common misconception, when the birth is done, basically all the hard work is done, minus some sleep here and there.  Nah, there's more than that.  There's a lot to it, especially if you want to be a good, involved parent.  But put in the work, because it's the greatest thing I've ever accomplished, that and meeting and marrying my wife, the rock star who seemingly feeds all day, who pushed a child out of her body that weighs approximately the same as a sack of potatoes.  She's amazing, they are both amazing.  I'm a lucky guy.

Thanks for reading,

Jeff Kleeman

Holy Crap, I'm Going To Be a Dad!

I'm back!  I am pretty selfish, so I find that my blog does better numbers when I space them out.  I also find my blog does great numbers when it deals with someone being a father.  Well guess what? I'm having a kid.  Holy crap huh!?  A man who is one of the following people in this picture...



Is having a kid (actually another in that picture has a kid, not sure on the guys on both ends, no clue who they are, sure they're nice). It's pretty freaking crazy.  Luckily I couldn't have ended up with a better woman to help me do it.



So what is this blog going to be about you may ask?  Just some random thoughts about all of this baby making stuff, what I've stored up the past few weeks, waiting to write this blog.  I really hope this kid, and if we have any other, stumble upon this in the future, I will still want blog hits then, thanks kid/s!

Of course the reason for the wait wasn't just laziness this time, but a few variables.  Gotta wait a specific amount of time, had one of my best friends weddings to attend where we wanted to wait til after to announce (although I think it was figured out pretty quick), and waiting a bit longer was nice to kinda let it sink in.  The only crappy part of waiting those 3 months is you can't tell anybody, and the people you do tell, you worry will ruin the surprise.  Because on a personal and somewhat selfish level, it's pretty cool having this happen and one of the perks is doing a reveal picture like this (which got almost 400 likes, which is nowhere near the amount who read this in a week, I should have a kid more often to get more fake internet points).



In roughly 6 months a human being will be brought in to this world that we created, isn't that freaking crazy?  It's going to be great.  It's going to be tough.  And it's definitely going to affect a lot of our hobbies.  Less adventures (still going to Wrestlemania though, thanks Heather!), a lot less sleeping in, hopefully not less romance time, and the hobbies I've already tried to set out to do that I haven't touched yet, don't have that great a chance to get started...yet anyway (sorry keyboard!).  And at the same time, it is the greatest, most exciting thing to happen, it's crazy.

I'm already looking forward to the first step, the first word and the first time I get pee on my face (unintentionally get peed on, amiright?...just kidding, but that joke was too good to pass up...on second thought, I really hope the kid doesn't read this in the future).

Some fears of mine involving the next few months and after?  Facebook.  I'll get in to that in a much later blog, because I don't want to sound like a jerk...not yet anyway.  But oversharing pictures my kid is something I don't want myself or others to do, it's just a personal preference, especially with some crazies out there.

People getting too involved that aren't the parents is another fear.  Also trying to figure out everything that comes with having a kid is scary, which I'm currently reading a book, month by month, on all to expect.  It's not rocket science, if Kris Jenner can do it, anyone can right?



A big reason I'm pretty excited to become a dad is because I never had one.  Mine bolted before I was born, trust me, after finding out about him it's for the best.  So growing up, even when I was a kid, I always knew I wanted to be a dad and have a family one day, so all of this is crazy.  Step one to being a better dad than that asshole, actually being around for the kid. Step two, not being him.  That simple, right?  Really looking forward to sporting events, 49'ers games, catch, basically anything sports huh?  Boy or girl, doesn't matter.

Another reason I'm excited to have a kid, 90% of my friends seem to have one now, which is really cool.  I got to hang with my two friends kids the other night, got to experience a bit of what it'll be like to be a parent, half hilarious, half frustration, all I know is, I can see why all my friends with kids are getting grey faster than those without.

So coming up you'll get your usual blogs.  I won't change much, in fact I may start writing blogs at a better pace now that things are winding down a bit.  Just got two new Nintendo games, and I'm really excited to write about them (Bubble Bobble and Kirby's Adventure), I have a "For-profit colleges" blog, with my thoughts on them, and I will be ranking the top 10 Disney movies, all from my weird perspective.

Interspersed in between will be one of the millions of blogs about becoming a father.  So the next six months should be a wild ride.  Can't wait.  As usual, thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman