Parenting Advice

Who doesn't love unsolicited parenting advice!?  The answer?  Nobody!  I love telling people what to do with their kids.  You know who else likes to lay down Law & Order?  Ice Tea Danny Gilbertson, that's who.  So we decided to ask each other some parenting questions, to give the best advice to you, the parents who need it ;)

Warning: The majority of this is satire.  Duh.

How do you get your kids to sleep?

Danny: Easy, shot of whiskey right before bedtime.

Best idea for playtime?

Danny: The William Tell Game. It teaches precision and they can eat the fruit afterwards so it’s healthy also!

How to get a difficult child to eat?

Danny: Turn everything into a chicken nugget. Just bread it, deep fry it, and bam, broccoli chicken nuggets.

Best TV show/book for education?

Danny: The Art Of The Deal. One chapter a night and so by the time when they turn 10 they’ll be on their way to their first bankruptcy.

Let’s say you get a message from your kids teacher that they are bullying, how do you handle it?

Jeff: High five the kid.  Look, 98% of people are crappy as it is, it's good they are standing up for themselves in a world of monsters.  But after the high five, clearly five weeks with no Cocomelon, I'm not trying to raise monsters.

How old is too old to spank your kid?

Jeff: In our house we don't spank.  They get time out, toys and TV taken away.  But what we should really ask is, "What's the best age to start spanking adults?  So many crap people, if someone is being awful I think age 22-40 should be fine.  Hire a tough person to do the spankings (it's hard for people to get jobs), in public of course.  Boom, new jobs for people who need to find work. 

How many Lego's can you step on as a parent before you decide to throw them all away in a fit of rage?

Jeff: Trick question, the answer to this is ONE.  They can get their fix of Lego's by watching the Lego movies, all terrific movies, even for adults.  At this point I would rather walk over hot coals then step on a Lego again, and I've clearly only stepped on ONE...ever.

What is the best time for a kid to go to bed?

This is a big one for all parents.  But the best answer is what is the best time for you, the parent, to go to sleep?  That answer is 7 PM.  If you're actually a parent you should be exhausted by 7 PM, but you should try to stay up til 10/11 PM for sanity.  If you're out clubbing on a Wednesday night til 2 AM, drinking Pepsi, your kid is more of a parent than you.  But the answer for your kid is every night at 7:45 PM...enough time to binge watch a movie or two shows, then pass out on the couch like a true parent.

This was fun!  Danny, let's do this again, maybe this can be the Q&A blog we do in the future where you, the readers, give us questions and we both answer, kind of like the Coke or Pepsi Challenge?  We'll type our answers blindfolded and let spellcheck REALLY get to work.

Thanks for reading!

Cowriters

Cory Beach Volleyball

 

So I had a blog idea a few weeks ago, it came from a conversation I had with my buddy Kyle Jensen (the North Carolina one, not the Nebraska one I randomly met a few weeks ago...or the other one in Lincoln, or the baseball player...I'll just move on).  I had read that Vince McMahon doesn't allow people to sneeze around him, he views it as a sign of weakness.  "What would you not let people do, if you were rich?" was the question proposed by Mr. Jensen.  Well that's a great idea for a blog!

But it wasn't when I sat down to write it, I couldn't think of anything besides not wanting people to say "we" when referencing their sport teams.  It's a minor annoyance, so I ditched the blog idea, wrote something else and offhand included that just to get it out there.  Then a few days ago I randomly thought of Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball.

A little background on this game, it was a fighting game series that was called Dead or Alive.  Then one year they decided to make a game where just girl characters from the game play volleyball on this island, all scantily clad, super great kids game...it's bonkers.  It randomly popped in my head because I was reading about things and people that were canceled (a future blog on that is coming up) and I was like, no freaking way this game comes out today, right?  

So then I got to thinking of a video game idea among my friends.  One of my best friends is named Cory Beach.  Unlimited potential of cool things with that last name (if he goes in to tropical drinks, Cory Beach Drinks, etc).  Now I'm not sure who came up with the idea (during that time frame of 2002-2008...there was a lot of drinking, it could be anyone), but the idea was to rescue Cory out of Las Vegas where he had lived for a time.  And the only way to get him out of whoever was in charge, holding Cory hostage, was to organize a volleyball tournament and win the tourney.  Then of course, if you win the game you win Cory Beach as a playable character.

So then I got to thinking, if I won a ton of money at anytime in my life, the first thing I'm doing is getting this video game made.  So instead of making people around me not do something so I'm not annoyed at them...I would maybe throw a get together, (let's say Rat Pack 24....if we even do a 17th this year, I don't know, but let's just say that for story purposes it's Rat Pack 24...) provide a nice little gift and everyone gets a nice copy of Cory Beach Volleyball with a bottle of their favorite liquor and we go play the game (which console?  I don't know, for me Playstation 2)!

So since I'm going to need this written down in some form when I hit it big (cryptocurrency, the lottery, finding something valuable and re-selling it...things that involve little to no effort), I'm going to write the story for Cory Beach Volleyball.  The characters (if you're not in it, it's fine!  I'm just going with eight to ten people).  And a brief sequel idea.   So without further adieu!  

CORY BEACH VOLLEYBALL

Premise:

Cory Beach has been held captive in Las Vegas!  The year is 2005, and Cory is working for an evil satellite company, but he cannot get out of the city, nor can he leave his job.  He's TRAPPED!  His friends in a last ditch effort to save Cory, fly out to Las Vegas to confront his evil boss to save him and return him back home.  

The boss (he's going to remain nameless...for now), notices Eric "Ras" Rasmussen wearing a volleyball t-shirt.  The boss, being a HUGE volleyball fan, proposes that he will release Cory Beach from his contract, if, and ONLY IF, they can put together a ragtag volleyball team that can defeat the evil companies award winning squad.

The Cast:

As I stated earlier, it can't be all of Cory's friends, but maybe we can do some downloadable content down the line where we add more who didn't make it?  Also it's the year 2005 so...whatever, here's the cast!

Eric "Ras" Rasmussen:

Killer serve and a killer personality.  Ras doesn't take any guff from anyone, especially on the volleyball court.  Every time he's on the court, the best hard rock of 2005 will be playing.  Two playable options, one with a beard, one without.

Eric's on the left.  The guy on the right...which is Eric's left is:

Dustin Schempp

Deadly spike!  Deadly great hair.  This dude will destroy anyone in his path to rescue Cory.  There will be a scene where you get the Schempp laugh if you win three games in a row.  Two playable options, one with a hat, one without.

Brian Varns (So I just got a new computer and haven't transferred old photos up AND Brian got rid of so many pics on Facebook, so enjoy...whatever it is I found on Google which is below)

Watch out world, Brian is left-handed!  He has nonstop energy and has so much experience playing video games he CAN'T FAIL getting Cory out of Las Vegas.  Two playable options, one as Brian, one as a hulked up version of Brian that looks exactly Stephen Varns (psssst it's Steve Varns).

Danny Gilbertson

Danny Gilbertson aka Young Boy aka Cowriter aka Mr. Volleyball.  Yeah that's right, this dude just happens to play professional volleyball in his sleep.  He's what they like to call the "bad boy" of this squad.  You want trouble?  You got it with Danny.  Three playable options as any of his aliases (he's like Mick Foley!), but all three have different hats (we wore a lot of hats in 2005, okay!).

Jeff Kleeman

A Jeff of all trades if you will, because he's had so many jobs he can do everything, but just adequately.  Only audio will be something that sounds like KAAAAAH every time he hits a volleyball.  Two playable options, one with a stocking hat, one without (if it was 2005 I was wearing a stocking hat at all times...I still don't know why).  I'm on the left...the man on the right is next!

Kyle "Eugene" Kelly

Do not make this guy mad.  So mild mannered, but he's like the Incredible Hulk, if you get him angry WATCH THE HECK OUT!  Two playable versions, one with a Dolphins hat, one with a Tiger Woods Nike hat.  So many hats!

Aaron Pew

Another lefthander!  Watch out Las Vegas, this guy is ready to get Cory out of that damn city if it's the last thing he does...unless the Vikings are playing, then he is an unplayable character in the game.  Two playable versions, one with a non ironic Vikings jersey (Randy Moss #84, duh) and one with an ironic jersey (clearly Mitch Berger #...checking Google...17).

Aaron is on the right...the man in the middle is next!

Ryan "Dino" Dineen

Dino!  Super tough guy.  He can spike the ball, serve the ball, but he will NOT set it.  He draws the line at setting it.  Great at everything else though (he can spike cuz he's tough, he can serve because he's a great bartender, the setting, the man can't set a table to save his life, he puts the fork on the right side for god sake)!  Character will also sing the Burger King Tender Crisp Sandwich song before spiking the ball, then he'll scream WHAAACK!.  Two playable options, one with blonde tips in this hair (that happened!) one with a shaved head.

Alex Baker

The heart and soul of the volleyball squad.  14 volleyball championships.  12 MVP's.  Until the accident.  He won't talk about the accident The best setter of the bunch and a hell of a dancer.  How that comes to play in Cory Beach Volleyball?  Well you just gotta get the game!  If it ever comes out!  Two playable options, one with nothing written on his hands, the other with "Hate" and "Pain" written on his hands.  One of the levels takes place in "Spain".

Karl Reasoner

He's the man in the middle in the picture above.  If you want someone who will play volleyball at 85% efficiency, it's Karl.  If you want 100% percent you look down at the ground, scream THE KARL and you get that beast.  Two playable characters, duh, they are above, Karl...and The Beast, which is just Karl, but with an angry face.

And there's the characters!  Teams of 2 are chosen at any time, some work better together than others.  For instance if Pew and Brian are on the same team, both are left handed, that's not right.  

8 playable levels from 2005, and they are:

- Spain

- The Double Barrel

- The Dakota Dome Parking Lot

- White Castle (the party house, not the fast food chain)

- The Char Bar

- Pamida

- Canary Beach in Yankton

- Las Vegas strip

The end of the game finds the group of friends getting Cory out of Las Vegas and unlocking him as a playable character.  Cuz, duh.  Super easy.  

Were you expecting more for the dramatic conclusion to the end?  Okay then.  They get Cory out of Las Vegas.  The boss gets buried in the sand after a ferocious spike by Ryan "Dino" Dineen.  They all leave to go back to South Dakota.  Pan back to the sand, the boss's hand sticks out of it with a 2005 flip phone and calls his cousin in Vermillion.  It's cold in Vermillion, so the sequel will be Cory Beach Snowboarding, where all the above characters, plus 8 more playable characters, have to do snowboarding tricks to get Cory out of the cold.  HE HATES THE COLD!

 Well if you made it this far, this is the most ridiculous blog I've ever written, and I couldn't be happier with it.  Two things, apparently everyone hates movie idea blogs, but I'll keep writing them, I don't care (I kinda do!).  The second thing, I was just interviewed by a great reporter for South Dakota Public Broadcasting about young people moving away from South Dakota (Google it, it's a good listen)...so hey, my next blog will be about South Dakota...unless it's not!?  Stay close, go far!

Until next time.

Jeff

The Sequel's We Need, The Reboots We Deserve!

Hi, I'm Jeff.  I like all forms of entertainment.  I love music.  I love TV.  Sports still catches my fancy, MLB not as much as I used to, but I can have a nice debate on why baseball sucks now.  CLEARLY I love pro wrestling (and I can have a nice debate on why AEW is better than WWE, but I already lost half of you didn't i?).  But my favorite form of entertainment USED to be movies.  Why do I say USED to be?   Movies suck now.  It's remakes, Marvel/DC movies, live action retelling's of Disney cartoons that are shot for SHOT THE EXACT SAME MOVIE and boring Oscar movies.  

I just watched Nomadland.  I liked it.  But was it boring?  Yes.  Would I still recommend it?  Yes.  Do you get anything out of watching it?  Depression, mostly.  I was folding clothes while watching it and that was more enthralling for me (although Frances McDormand was fantastic!).  

Then my buddy John (JOHN!!!!  There's a Terminator 2 reference for you all) started texting me about movies as he often does.  He brought up that Bad Boys 3 was pure garbage.  He wasn't wrong!  If it was released during Will's heyday (the beginning of the Willenium) it may have been good, but it was just pure...garbage.  Couple that with some unneeded sequels (Dumb & Dumber 2, Zoolander 2, Independence Day 2) and it got me thinking, what movies DESERVE a sequel?  

While we're at it, what movie deserves to be remade?  There are so many movies from the 80's and 90's that were subpar, but they remake the good ones?  We didn't need a new Point Break.  We didn't need a new Total Recall.  We do need a new...well...let's start with that, shall we?

1.  Showgirls  

This movie is hilarious.  Re-watch it sometime, the pool scene is funnier than any comedy that came out this year.  The acting is top notch bad.  It's so good!  Now remake it!  Or somehow make it a sequel, get Elizabeth Berkley, put in an inside joke how she's addicted to caffeine pills or something and is running some sort of show in Las Vegas.  Get Gina Gershon because she is a national treasure of 90's hot.  Then when it leaves theaters release it on VHS (ironically, duh) and kids can wear out the tape like my friends and I did in the 90's...if they can figure out how to use a VCR.  

Hey Hollywood, I'm just getting started!

2.  The Running Man 

This is a classic Arnold movie.  My third favorite movie by him (Terminator 2, True Lies...okay maybe third cuz Twins is awesome!).  The movie was ahead of it's time, I've already written a blog about this, but a society obsessed with reality TV and then watching a dude (who is innocent, duh!) mow down through some bad guys?!  Get whoever is the biggest action star now in it (THE ROCK?!?!), get Salma Hayek, get some bad ass villains and, you know what?  For the Richard Dawson part?  Give it to Trump before he goes to jail.  I'm not even kidding.

3.  Ladybugs

I have the record for renting this movie the most times by anyone not named Jackee'.  I to this day do not know why I liked this movie so much when I was 9.  I loved Caddyshack, soccer, and Tommy LaSorda...so maybe that's why? 

Let's remake this and have a dude try to do the same thing, but then realize the women are 10x better than him and he learns a valuable lesson  Or have a girl do it and show how much better she is than the boys, but professionally, then show the pay disparity.  OR HAVE TWINS SWITCH PLACES AND THEY BOTH REALIZE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS!!!  AHHHH I'M SO GOOD AT THIS!!!  And the Oscar for Best Picture of 2023 goes to....Ladybugs!

Hollywood, I am seriously just a call away.  (also nothing screams Hollywood more than this idea...a man writing a movie from a woman's perspective and then winning an award for it).

Also listen to How Did This Get Made's episode about Ladybugs, it's just insane to hear some of the stories.  

4.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Yes, reboot city, I know.  When I was in college there was a website called Newgrounds that had an adult version in...clearly highly illegally made cartoon shorts.  It was amazing.  Where's that movie?  They keep rebooting TMNT for the young kids, the young kids have so many options, they don't care, you know who cares?  80's and 90's kids.  And those kids can go to an R movie.  

Think Deadpool meets...Turtles.  Clearly John Cena is somehow Casey Jones.  Get someone awesome to play April O' Neil, if we're not being stupid it's Jessica Chastain.  Then get four real life turtles, mutate them, and see what happens all for the sake of cinema.

5.  M.A.S.K./C.O.P.S.

Two things that are awesome.  1.  80's movies.  2.  Acronyms.  M.A.S.K. was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid, but the name was super confusing for good ol' Jeff when he was 4 at Christmas time.

Mom: What do you want for Christmas?

Jeff: M.A.S.K.

Mom: A mask?  

Jeff: Yes....?

Mom: Okay....?

*end scene*

C.O.P.S. is bad ass too.  And the theme songs for both are fantastic.  So here's the sell.  Fall Out Boy does BOTH songs.  Then you have a third movie where they cross over and you get M.A.S.K.C.O.P.S.  Thinks Avengers but not as long...and maybe not as good, but more re-watchable because each movie isn't three hours long.  Fighting crime...in a future time!

6.  The Goonies 2

Now we're to sequel territory.  What happened to The Goonies when they grew up?  I know this movie has been in development since the 80's, but why not have them all seriously dealing with the psychological ramifications of criminals trying to kill them over gold on a pirate ship?

Mikey stayed behind in Oregon.  Clearly Brand and Andy are divorced.  Mouth is a stand up comic.  Chunk is a skinny, successful lawyer....okay dammit this is starting to sound like the movie It.  Screw it, do it anyway.

7.  Pulp Fiction (More Pulp)

Tarantino has sort of done a sequel (Kill Bill was one long movie, the studio forced him to split it to two...advantage all of us, now go make part 3 to that!), but you know what movie of his could use a sequel?  No, not the Hateful Eight...it's Pulp Fiction.  Get some of the old cast.  You know Travolta will do it.  You know Bruce Willis will do it.  And Sam Jackson.  And Christopher Walken.  Seriously, did the entire cast in the 2000's decide to take any roll they could no matter how good or bad the movie?  

With the exception of Jackson, they are all in serious need of career resuscitation.  You too Uma and Ving Rhames.    

8.  Mannequin um, 2 (let's forget part 2 happened, we cool?)

Mannequin was stupid.  But watchable.  And it was on HBO all the time in the late 80's so I've  seen it a billion times.  Also Kim Cattral was basically my first crush (and Miss Elizabeth, I was a sucker for poofy 80's hair), so believe me when I say I have so many unanswered questions.  

First off, so she's real at the end of the movie, what does she...end up doing?  Is she a stay at home mom?  Hiding from society because they have no documentation of her existing?  Or, and this is probably it, did the Andrew McCarthy character scheme his way in to an identity for her?  Is that the movie?  That the identity they take ends up coming back, upset that she's had identity theft?  Then they become friends and take down big chain stores, showing that the true heart is in mom and pop stores.  Shop local!

Also you know who we are getting to do the song?  That's right America, FALL OUT BOY!  And for the girl part, Demi Lovato...because we're not just mannequins, we're people.  AND WE CAN BUILD THIS DREAM TOGETHER!!  STANDING STRONG FOREVER!!!!   

9.  Mrs. Doubtfire

I loved Robin Williams.  True story, this is one of my least favorite movies by him because it's creepy, but it's still a good movie...it's just, like...dude, just do better and get visitation man.  Also you messed it up with Sally Field, that's arguably the lady who wins "possibly nicest celebrity ever just because she doesn't look like a horrible person".  

Sadly the sequel won't have Robin, and that's not who it would be about anyway.  Again, the psychological ramifications of your dad pretending to be an old nanny, then becoming a successful TV personality and then clearly Pierce Brosnan and Sally Field divorce.  I want to know how those kids grew up and dealt.  Did Sally Field remarry for a third time?  Did Robin Williams get bigger than San Francisco famous and got in to the Hollywood game?  

10.  Con Air

No explanation needed.  Greatest movie ever made.  Make a second.  Bring back the entire cast.  Then do the movie in reverse with no explanation.  Hollywood.  Call me.  Seriously.  I have 93 more ideas.  I've made it through this entire article without stating I share my name with a Hollywood producer.  Let's team up.  Jeff Kleeman squared.  

Thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman

Don't Rush It

I have two blog ideas I really want to write.  But I'm not going to just yet.  I don't want to....rush it.  Don't rush it...hey a name for a blog!

One is going to be an amazing MLM inspired piece.  It's not a take down by any means, you do you if you're selling...whatever it is you sell.  But if I log on Facebook at least one person I know is selling something and it's always the same presentation and pictures and that is the funniest thing in the world to me.  

"If I just drink the juice once a day....my wrinkles will stay away (don't you dare steal that!!!  That is incredible, using it for that future blog, that's going to be the title now instead of MLM Fighter!)."    

So I thought I would write up a funny thing, snap some pics of "the humor" that I have for it, then watch the money roll in on the internet hits I wish I would receive for writing this blog, so then I don't have to work for the man (oh that's sort of the same thing as the MLM thing?  Is it!?). 

The second is the "I just got rich, what will I make people do?" post.  But that idea sucks and it feels like too much work for a one sentence joke.  So what would I do?  If you said "we" when talking about your favorite sports team you have to go to a desert island and watch nothing but their rivals play for the rest of your life until you stop saying "we", you're not on the team old chap.  

So let's jump in to my final Vermillion related post shall we!?  Vermillion Pt. 2 write up...cue the music!

So I don't have MUCH to write about concerning Vermillion, but there is a topic that gets me riled up.   

IF YOU LIVE IN VERMILLION VOTE FOR THE NEW COURTHOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!  As someone who worked there I can attest that it is in fact a really crappy situation, you can literally smell the sewage as you walk in.  It makes no sense to renovate.  The argument that people living far away from downtown and won't be able to get there is invalid since it's the CLAY COUNTY courthouse (that means people outside of the town also need to go there...a lot of Vermillion people don't think about anything but Verm and it shows).  Also you have a bus service.  Also it's the future and there's bikes and roller blades and shoes with wheels in them and you can literally do everything by mail anyway so.....  

The only reason you would want to keep it is because it's "historical".  So historical I can't tell you a single thing that happened there (besides the story I'll tell you shortly...but that story is more HYSTERICAL...wordplay).  But hey keep the workers who work there in misery by keeping a building none of you ever visit (even though it's super historical!) and preserve that dumpster fire of a building.  I don't even think offices should go in there, just tear that mother down.  So here's a fun story from my time there...

Week 2 of my career at the Clay County Treasurer I had to use the restroom at the courthouse.  Tuesday's are court days.  I think nothing of it because it's not weird to share a bathroom for work with a bunch of....interesting people about to go to court, is it?  

I sat there, wondering how I went from my dream job (a TV show host literally weeks ago, which I willingly left) to whatever I was doing at the time (getting autos licensed in a legal, but extremely illegal feeling way to predominantly out of state people who go to live in Mexico or skirt local laws to pay cheaper car renewals in different states...by the way this job was legit super fun and I have a ton of stories, especially from the guy who sent me a lucha libre wrestling mask from Mexico...wow it's just weird describing this job in this run on sentence, I'll write about it sometime in more detail.)

Then my stall door opens, because there wasn't a lock on the door of the stall.  Some dude just opens the door and sees me sitting there.  He asks me if I'm trying to "get my rocks off".  I start to laugh because this is f'ing insane and not at all normal.  No, just trying to use the restroom sir, I hope you enjoyed the view.  As I get out and walk to the sink, I see an older man, looking like he's wearing nothing but a Hawaiian shirt, giving himself a full on bath at the sink.  Soap is on his legs, his face and arms and he asks me "what are you hear for?".  Sir, I'm working but this is starting to feel like jail already lol.  It's roughly 10 AM by the way.  

Literally a few weeks later, another Tuesday because of course, I think nothing weird can happen again right?  Yeah sure, I open the stall door for the bathroom and some crazy ass kid is just standing there, hiding...I legit thought I was going to get shanked so I  ran away in terror from this like 8 year old kid.  I think literally in that moment of running away, I thought, "I gotta move my family back to Nebraska!".  

So anyway, yeah, get those employees the hell out of that courthouse.  I have friends there I legit care about their safety.  

Speaking of Vermillion, so can someone do anything about that old Casey's eye sore as I drive back in to town this summer?  Nothing better than a run down gas station when you hit town, amiright?  One of the future mayors might be reading this, help me, help you!  And that old Pressbox spot, what is exactly going there in 40 years?

Well that's all I got about that town, see it wasn't so bad, just like three things and I didn't say anything too scandalous or make fun of anybody (I still can, but I wont'!).  Verm is a great town once you get past a lot of the fakeness, but that's literally everywhere.  I haven't been there in almost a year, so that'll be it for writing about my beloved hometown until I come back (and hopefully not avoid rocks being thrown at me from my last two Verm-related blogs).

So before I finish up, I have some random thoughts:

- I was looking at my blog numbers, because again I want to get successful at this (which won't happen, but I write because it's my passion...........it's my PASSION I SAY!) and make money off of writing...and I noticed that my biggest blog I've ever written is...THE BIGGEST/BEST/FAVORITE OF LIMP BIZKIT!?!?!?!  WHAT THE HELL!?  That's...that's incredible.  Looks like this blog keeps...Rollin' baby.  

- I saw a guy on social media bragging about having never touched fast food, just belittling people who have tried it or enjoy it (which I took personally because I'm the worst at watching what I eat).  And I wanted to think of something funny that's kind of routine that I would've commented back about and pretended that I haven't done.  Like, I wanted to type, "That's awesome bro, I've never used a computer, how crazy is that!?"  Just to see what the response would be.  But I also hate internet arguments with people I've never met.  So I put it in this blog instead.

- So I want to do a Q&A blog, but as I stated last week, I am completely terrified nobody will ask a question AND I'm terrified of what would be asked.  So if I had an eraser right now for my blog ideas, I would be erasing that one off of my notepad, but then writing it again because it sounds kinda fun.  So just in case, hey what do you got for quetions!?

And I'm DONE!  Next week I'll be writing about...something.  Maybe about the last year down here in Lincoln?  Ya'll want some Lincoln stories or what!?  I still have my parenting advice blog with Danny Gilbertson coming too, which that one sounds fun!

Thanks for reading,

Jeff

Promiscuous

Last week I promised a review of a blog from 2006/07, the only problem is there was not one single blog post that was...appropriate.  I went through the Kleeman Report's from the year 2006-2007 and my god, while an amazing read, it's just not something I can share with you, the readers, all these years later.  So we'll leave Pinky, Droopy Volcano, Squabbit Guy and Vampire Lady in the past...for now. 

So what I AM going to do, I'm going to share certain topics from the old Kleeman Report's from, let's go with the summer of 2006-2007.  Chingy was just coming out, T-Pain was just coming in.  I watched little to no television, I didn't know what a Netflix was, and the only movies I saw were ones I went to in an actual theater. (I remember seeing Mission Impossible III with Kyle Kelly, and thinking it'd be the last one because it was...not that good, boy was I off!  Don't get me started on Tokyo Drift and thinking that'd end the Fast & the Furious Franchise!  I also went to Casino Royale with Brad Simons and it began a nice little Eva Green phase, simpler times!).  

No masks.  No social distancing.  No Karen's.  No covid.  So buckle in, get your ironic trucker hat, get your double polo on (or three tank tops with sequined purse, thanks for the 2006 fashion advice Heather!) and crank this Nelly Furtado jam, off to 2006/07!

It was very refreshing looking through my old blog from 2006 and seeing how impressed my friends and I were with Steel Reserve.  When it first hit ooooooh weeeeeee, 8.1% alcohol and it was $8!?  And it got us super drunk off of only six beers.  Here's the irony, six beers now for my 38 year old self!?  That's a fun night.  Also you can get any IPA with the alcohol content or even more...and it will taste 10x better.  

This is making me nostalgic for the Icehouse though.  Years and years of Icehouse.  Freedom gas station in Vermillion can thank us for thousands upon thousands of dollars of Icehouse revenue.  

There was also a lot of MySpace content, which how did they lose the war!?  You could upload your own music on your page and embarrassingly rank your friends.  Also Tom clearly is far superior to Mark or the Winklevoss Twins.  

Not entirely living on our phones was also nice back then, we just lived on our laptops!  In 2006 I got the Verizon Chocolate phone, it could hold 20 songs and take really bad quality pictures...it was the best.  The biggest thing missing from cell phones these days is the amazing variety that was offered back then.  Let's get back to that!  Somebody update the ENV3 for me please.  That is, to this day, the single greatest phone ever made. 

Binge watching wasn't really a thing for me until I discovered The Office and Lost.  But the most comical part of binge watching back then was literally having to get up and switch the disks (at least we didn't have to rewind VHS tapes anymore...cuz that was also a thing), but if you maybe had a few too many you would just go to sleep to the god awful opening title music for whatever you were watching.  

Speaking of movies, wasn't it refreshing back then when not every single big movie release was some sort of Disney property or comic book movie?  What happened to original ideas?  Maybe it's time for myself and Danny Gilbertson to finally write the future summer blockbuster 7 Cent Situation. (I wrote this before myself, Danny and Alex Baker watched Accepted together on Facebook video...it's time to write Brandt!).  

The Kardashian's not being around, I just truly didn't appreciate it at the time.  And Kanye wasn't awful yet.  With the exception of television, entertainment legit just went to shit didn't it?  I can't recall really hating any celebrity back then...maybe JLo?

Time for some inside jokes/thoughts about Vermillion during college:

The McDonald's sign was not safe in the summer of 2007.  

If you're reading this and I knew you when I went to college, you either met me in the link lab or at the Char Bar.  I literally knew everyone's secrets from both of those jobs.  And that is terrifying me to this day.  Also most will not even know what a "link lab" is.  

Vermillion, SD.  This ones for you.  If you lived in Vermillion at any time during your life, every walk of life can agree on this....there was no better time to live in Vermillion than during the summer.  

The most comical/slum lordy thing I read when I went through the old report.  We used to have to give THREE MONTHS notice to the landlords to live anywhere for a year.  To live in places that had rats, or doors that didn't have handles (I had TWO doors, NO handles, I close both with a lock....WTF!).  Add in that we never got our deposit back and Verm was (and still is) full of slum lords taking advantage of college kids.  But it was refreshing to see me complain about paying $325 in rent PLUS utilities.

One last thing.  I'm really glad I wrote each week of my life from 2005-2012.  At the same time I'm really  not.  Just reading my thoughts and actions from that era, it's a lot to digest...it's good I grew as a person and changed.  It's also something I don't think I'm going to re-read until I'm really old.  It's funny, I always thought I'd have my kids read that version of the Kleeman Report (over 700 pages, I just looked!)...but after re-reading a few pages, I don't think anyone should touch it, unless it's used to take down anyone politically in the future.  

Next weeks blog, I'm not sure yet?!  I'd love to do a Q&A for comedy purposes, but the anxious person in me is like, who will respond to that if I post on Facebook?  Also speaking with Kyle Jensen, I debated writing one where things that annoy me that would have to go away if I won over 100 million dollars.  Example, Vince McMahon hates it when people sneeze, nobody can sneeze around him because that is weakness, that is incredible.  Yup, that's it.  

Next week, things that have to go WHEN I win 100 million dollars!

Thanks for reading, 

Jeff

PS I totally half assed this blog, I'm going to admit it, but it was half written and no way in hell was I going to ditch the entire thing.  But hey, thanks for reading!

HOvA

Thanks to every single person who read last weeks blog.  It 100% made it worth it to come back.  Did I get some anxiety thinking about the follow up?  No.  Did I change the subject content?  Yes (thanks Karl!)

So this was going to be about social media etiquette.  But it was going to be a stretch to write an entire blog about how I don't actually watch all the Snapchat videos if you post more than four in a row (seriously, just calm it down.  And if you ask why, I'm borderline OCD and if I watch one I have to watch them all...so if you look at your viewers and see I "saw" 27 videos in a row, I did not.  Also that's why I deleted people on Snap, it's too time consuming for my borderline OCD self!).

Also I love when I see people who don't like each other type the crying laughing emoji at the other persons stuff or say "I'm dyyyyyyyying!" and then immediately text their bro about how crappy that person is.  Seriously.  (I hate "I'm dying!" it's just as bad as lol.  Just know if I respond with a haha or any more ha's added on, I legit am laughing.  Also I hope I get some I'm dyyyyyyyying comments on this, please!  Lol).

The other topic in that blog clearly was the Facebook purge, but I don't think it's a good idea to go too in-depth, but I'll explain quickly.  If you want to get to the funny just pass by the italicized part!  

To get my thoughts out of the way, if I deleted anybody I got rid of them because 1. I randomly had a training with you in 2013 and you were super cool, but I don't really want to keep in touch.  And I'm not comfortable with you seeing my kids grow.  2.  You're a friend or acquaintance from college that kinda/sorta/is a racist, sexist, homophobic, or all of the above (raxiphobic!?)  Or we just lost touch...and that's fine!  I'll see you at a future D Days, it's no big deal!  3.  This is the hard to write one.  It's touchy!  I deleted some because I didn't want to argue or feel sad when I logged on Facebook.  It doesn't mean we can't get along in public, but last year I was getting really sad/angry logging in and was just over it, life is hard enough, so I quit Facebook for 2 months.  I got on begrudgingly because I missed my friends, just to notice not as many really use FB anymore so....  

Also the only person I wouldn't publicly like to be around actually deleted ME because he was making fun of people in a group chat for wearing masks and dying from covid, you gotta love that out of a state representative amiright (also leave trans kids alone you dick)?!  So I personally messaged him and told him it's not funny, he replied with a thumbs up emoji, which I could write a blog on how much I hate those, then he deleted me like a wuss.  End of story.  Fin.

And we're back!  And I doubt anyone actually skipped over that, but it is what it is.  So read the next part in a Jon Oliver voice....today we're going to talk about HOA's.  And what exactly that means to me as an adult.  Just kidding, HOA's are perfectly fine.  We're going to be discussing the best part of being an adult, FACEBOOK NEIGHBORHOOD GROUPS (and why being an adult is weird)!!!

So being an adult is funny.  The older you get, you realize that literally everyone is just winging it.  Nobody knows what they are doing, let's be honest.  And if you say you do, you're a liar.  Do you know what an escrow is?  I guarantee half of you reading this don't.  But the BEST entertainment is to see how childish and stupid people can be in these neighborhood groups.  

So much arguing and petty crap, it's great!  Some dude had his signs stolen off his front lawn, let's say he was a big supporter of arguably the worst president of all time.  So like a normal adult he goes on and blames a political party for stealing signs when, get this, it was just kids stealing signs.  All of the signs.  No matter the party.  So he blames liberals, but calls them the lib part with tards at the end (what a horrible word by the way, can you just not?) and buys a flag so his sign doesn't get stolen.  A gynormous flag of his candidate, then brags about it...like a child.  Also who buys a flag as an adult of a person!?  

And the Karen's...oh the Karen's who go on and complain about kids walking at night...who must've forgot at one point they were kids walking at night.  Have you seen these hooligans walking through the neighborhood at 8:45 PM tonight!?  They are ringing doorbells and running away!  THE TYRANNY!  This joke is for my newfound friend Taylor, but kids used to light literal crap on fire and put it on doorsteps, you're fine.  

I feel bad for anyone named Karen who is actually nice, because there are so many awful people who have ran with that name.  Someday I would like to explore why some older people are the way they are and why the boomers ruined things for everyone...I'd be afraid to type that part, but they can't find their Wi-Fi password to get online anyway so....

I think the craziest part of being an adult was I foolishly thought adults would be more mature when I was younger.  But they aren't.  The majority of you work who are reading this.  How much drama and workplace gossip goes on that could be entirely avoided?  Are people super bored or do they need the drama to make their life mean something? 

I have amazing work stories...that I'll share at some point that just don't sound real.  That's how dramatic they are.  And it boggles my mind.  Just go work.  It makes me tempted to write a Kleeman Report how I used to, and just go all out.  For the people from the beginning who got the email version of the Kleeman Report, remember those days?  My next blog I'm going to share a random (safe) edition of those and see the differences.  Yes, that's my next blog.  

I'm going to leave on that note, with the anticipation of you, the reader, wondering what happened in 2007 to my group of friends.  Get your flip phones, crank some T Pain and get your best Ed Hardy gear, we're going back in time.

Til next time.

Jeff

I'm Back

 

Hi!  I'm Jeff, remember me?  I used to write a blog called The Kleeman Report (then just Kleeman Report...I may have let my domain name lapse, long story, but I bought it back so...we're good!).  I love writing.  I love thinking of funny crap to talk about.  But the past few years...

I have done 3 blogs since 2019.  3.  Blogs.  That's insane right?  I love writing, so what happened exactly?  Kids, I'll blame the kids.  It's strictly the kids fault.  It's not that the past 2 years have been absolutely bonkers.  Covid.  Political stuff (don't worry this blog isn't political).  Moving to a new city/state/zip.  Writers block was a definite issue.  Binge watching TV shows and watching movies to unwind (we have 8 streaming services, we're in a golden age of television).  Hanging with my spouse during "the kids are sleeping" times.  Reading an actual book (I'm reading East of Eden right now, it's insanely good, so far I give it 9/10 Jeff's).  Dealing with a pseudo mid-life crisis (isn't everybody these days?).   

Okay so it was all of the above MINUS the kids...although using kids as an excuse to get out of doing things are one of the biggest perks of having them.  I just haven't had the drive to write these blogs the past two years.  Even writing a Facebook post that might be controversial or opinionated gets texts sent my way wanting to argue or say I'm wrong.  I legit went through Facebook and deleted half of my friend list.  I'll explain more on that in a later blog, but I just haven't had the drive to write.  

But then last week I thought of something funny concerning parenting and I really wanted to write about it.  Then I thought of more funny stuff.  And I was like, "Crap, I have enough for a blog!".  Then a week later I finally found time to write about it while my kids are sleeping.  You can't rush brilliance!  So I'm back.  The Kleeman Report is back.  I'm going to have some fun again.  

I now give you...the original title I was going to name this blog...it's what my album name would be as a parent:

My Car Smells Like Puke ft Poop

*anytime I post a blog about parenthood to be funny, there's always someone who always thinks I'm serious.  Just come here to laugh folks.

So my car smells like puke (not poop so much...at the moment).  The funny thing is I actually don't mind.  Is that weird?  So after I drop my kids off to daycare, I miss them right?  And I open up my car door and just the best damn puke smell money can buy.  But seriously, the craziest thing about parenthood is my ability to not be grossed out by anything.  Poop.  Puke.  Boogers.  I have developed super powers and cannot be stopped.

Speaking of super powers, children's television sure is something right?  So the shows aren't as bad as people think.  Plus if you don't plop them in front of a TV constantly (oh I'm judging lazy parents, damn right I am) they actually kinda just chill and get quiet.  So crank that Baby Shark.  Get Fancy with Nancy.  Get me that Coco Melon...super power number two, I have memorized every single theme song from these shows.  They will never leave me.  Vampirina?  I got that down.  Team Oomizoomi?  Sure.  I collect classic vinyl's, let's get a "best of" children's themes right now.  

So one super power I don't have.  Patience with laundry.  Does laundry ever end?  I would hate to have it calculated how much I've done laundry in the past 4 years, but I'm going to expect it's been 5 months minimum.  I should just hire someone to do my laundry, but that's not a thing is it?  I'm an adult!

But seriously what is a Coco Melon?  Or a Pinkfong?  Why didn't my friends and I come up with something like this years ago?  I can combine two things that don't make sense, here's a couple names, someone can steal them I don't care:

- PillowFart

- RandomWhy

- WestBanana

- Doobie Smacker

- Social Downfall

Also I never thought I'd say this because I love music so much.  But when my kids are at daycare and I'm randomly home, or they are asleep...oh my god the best noise is pure quiet.  I would rather hear absolutely nothing, no noise, then the new Glass Animals album right now...and I freaking love Glass Animals.  And so do my kids actually.  Winning.

Kids who are having tantrums are essentially the same as your buddy who is black out drunk.  

"Come on bud, just go take a nap...sleep it off and you'll be fine."

"I know you're hungry, but you don't need anymore pizza.  Maybe have some water?"

"No, you can't put on a tutu over another tutu while wearing a tutu on your head...and where did you get so many tutus?!"

Also I think the funniest thing about being a parent is dinner time.  Kids at dinner time are like me looking for a snack late at night.  I'm really hungry but nothing sounds good.  

Speaking of hungry, I'm about to go figure that out, so thank you for reading!  This felt nice.  This was a good test run for my soon to be award winning blog about social media and why it sucked the life out of me the past few years.  It will be more unfiltered like the old blogs, so that'll be really good AND really bad.

Maybe I'll do some of those fun music blogs after that, I think I need to do a Best/Biggest/Favorite with Ras and cover either Kriss Kross or Van Halen's best song...but the only answer for both is Jump.  

Thanks everybody!

Jeff