Parenting Advice

Who doesn't love unsolicited parenting advice!?  The answer?  Nobody!  I love telling people what to do with their kids.  You know who else likes to lay down Law & Order?  Ice Tea Danny Gilbertson, that's who.  So we decided to ask each other some parenting questions, to give the best advice to you, the parents who need it ;)

Warning: The majority of this is satire.  Duh.

How do you get your kids to sleep?

Danny: Easy, shot of whiskey right before bedtime.

Best idea for playtime?

Danny: The William Tell Game. It teaches precision and they can eat the fruit afterwards so it’s healthy also!

How to get a difficult child to eat?

Danny: Turn everything into a chicken nugget. Just bread it, deep fry it, and bam, broccoli chicken nuggets.

Best TV show/book for education?

Danny: The Art Of The Deal. One chapter a night and so by the time when they turn 10 they’ll be on their way to their first bankruptcy.

Let’s say you get a message from your kids teacher that they are bullying, how do you handle it?

Jeff: High five the kid.  Look, 98% of people are crappy as it is, it's good they are standing up for themselves in a world of monsters.  But after the high five, clearly five weeks with no Cocomelon, I'm not trying to raise monsters.

How old is too old to spank your kid?

Jeff: In our house we don't spank.  They get time out, toys and TV taken away.  But what we should really ask is, "What's the best age to start spanking adults?  So many crap people, if someone is being awful I think age 22-40 should be fine.  Hire a tough person to do the spankings (it's hard for people to get jobs), in public of course.  Boom, new jobs for people who need to find work. 

How many Lego's can you step on as a parent before you decide to throw them all away in a fit of rage?

Jeff: Trick question, the answer to this is ONE.  They can get their fix of Lego's by watching the Lego movies, all terrific movies, even for adults.  At this point I would rather walk over hot coals then step on a Lego again, and I've clearly only stepped on ONE...ever.

What is the best time for a kid to go to bed?

This is a big one for all parents.  But the best answer is what is the best time for you, the parent, to go to sleep?  That answer is 7 PM.  If you're actually a parent you should be exhausted by 7 PM, but you should try to stay up til 10/11 PM for sanity.  If you're out clubbing on a Wednesday night til 2 AM, drinking Pepsi, your kid is more of a parent than you.  But the answer for your kid is every night at 7:45 PM...enough time to binge watch a movie or two shows, then pass out on the couch like a true parent.

This was fun!  Danny, let's do this again, maybe this can be the Q&A blog we do in the future where you, the readers, give us questions and we both answer, kind of like the Coke or Pepsi Challenge?  We'll type our answers blindfolded and let spellcheck REALLY get to work.

Thanks for reading!

Cowriters