I'm Back

 

Hi!  I'm Jeff, remember me?  I used to write a blog called The Kleeman Report (then just Kleeman Report...I may have let my domain name lapse, long story, but I bought it back so...we're good!).  I love writing.  I love thinking of funny crap to talk about.  But the past few years...

I have done 3 blogs since 2019.  3.  Blogs.  That's insane right?  I love writing, so what happened exactly?  Kids, I'll blame the kids.  It's strictly the kids fault.  It's not that the past 2 years have been absolutely bonkers.  Covid.  Political stuff (don't worry this blog isn't political).  Moving to a new city/state/zip.  Writers block was a definite issue.  Binge watching TV shows and watching movies to unwind (we have 8 streaming services, we're in a golden age of television).  Hanging with my spouse during "the kids are sleeping" times.  Reading an actual book (I'm reading East of Eden right now, it's insanely good, so far I give it 9/10 Jeff's).  Dealing with a pseudo mid-life crisis (isn't everybody these days?).   

Okay so it was all of the above MINUS the kids...although using kids as an excuse to get out of doing things are one of the biggest perks of having them.  I just haven't had the drive to write these blogs the past two years.  Even writing a Facebook post that might be controversial or opinionated gets texts sent my way wanting to argue or say I'm wrong.  I legit went through Facebook and deleted half of my friend list.  I'll explain more on that in a later blog, but I just haven't had the drive to write.  

But then last week I thought of something funny concerning parenting and I really wanted to write about it.  Then I thought of more funny stuff.  And I was like, "Crap, I have enough for a blog!".  Then a week later I finally found time to write about it while my kids are sleeping.  You can't rush brilliance!  So I'm back.  The Kleeman Report is back.  I'm going to have some fun again.  

I now give you...the original title I was going to name this blog...it's what my album name would be as a parent:

My Car Smells Like Puke ft Poop

*anytime I post a blog about parenthood to be funny, there's always someone who always thinks I'm serious.  Just come here to laugh folks.

So my car smells like puke (not poop so much...at the moment).  The funny thing is I actually don't mind.  Is that weird?  So after I drop my kids off to daycare, I miss them right?  And I open up my car door and just the best damn puke smell money can buy.  But seriously, the craziest thing about parenthood is my ability to not be grossed out by anything.  Poop.  Puke.  Boogers.  I have developed super powers and cannot be stopped.

Speaking of super powers, children's television sure is something right?  So the shows aren't as bad as people think.  Plus if you don't plop them in front of a TV constantly (oh I'm judging lazy parents, damn right I am) they actually kinda just chill and get quiet.  So crank that Baby Shark.  Get Fancy with Nancy.  Get me that Coco Melon...super power number two, I have memorized every single theme song from these shows.  They will never leave me.  Vampirina?  I got that down.  Team Oomizoomi?  Sure.  I collect classic vinyl's, let's get a "best of" children's themes right now.  

So one super power I don't have.  Patience with laundry.  Does laundry ever end?  I would hate to have it calculated how much I've done laundry in the past 4 years, but I'm going to expect it's been 5 months minimum.  I should just hire someone to do my laundry, but that's not a thing is it?  I'm an adult!

But seriously what is a Coco Melon?  Or a Pinkfong?  Why didn't my friends and I come up with something like this years ago?  I can combine two things that don't make sense, here's a couple names, someone can steal them I don't care:

- PillowFart

- RandomWhy

- WestBanana

- Doobie Smacker

- Social Downfall

Also I never thought I'd say this because I love music so much.  But when my kids are at daycare and I'm randomly home, or they are asleep...oh my god the best noise is pure quiet.  I would rather hear absolutely nothing, no noise, then the new Glass Animals album right now...and I freaking love Glass Animals.  And so do my kids actually.  Winning.

Kids who are having tantrums are essentially the same as your buddy who is black out drunk.  

"Come on bud, just go take a nap...sleep it off and you'll be fine."

"I know you're hungry, but you don't need anymore pizza.  Maybe have some water?"

"No, you can't put on a tutu over another tutu while wearing a tutu on your head...and where did you get so many tutus?!"

Also I think the funniest thing about being a parent is dinner time.  Kids at dinner time are like me looking for a snack late at night.  I'm really hungry but nothing sounds good.  

Speaking of hungry, I'm about to go figure that out, so thank you for reading!  This felt nice.  This was a good test run for my soon to be award winning blog about social media and why it sucked the life out of me the past few years.  It will be more unfiltered like the old blogs, so that'll be really good AND really bad.

Maybe I'll do some of those fun music blogs after that, I think I need to do a Best/Biggest/Favorite with Ras and cover either Kriss Kross or Van Halen's best song...but the only answer for both is Jump.  

Thanks everybody!

Jeff