Old Friends

The best idea my friend Cory ever came up with was a social media website called, myspacebook.com.  Clearly a nice riff on the CLASSIC website MySpace, combining it with the formerly awesome, now a forever nuisance, Facebook.  (Cory don't kill me!  Plus you own socialdownfall, might as well buy myspacebook.com as well!  Kaaaaaah!).

But now that Facebook sucks, I think it's time for a new social media to hit the scene (oh I'm aware of Snapchat, Instagram, the ill-fated MySpace comeback, Friendster, TikTok, etc...but this new website will eliminate the need for them all!).  So this new website is going to have some ground rules.  I don't want a bunch of the far sides (far left or right) ruining our fun.  Let's call the site oldfriends.com.

Below is what will be needed to join this website.  

- THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE, if you were on Facebook in 2005 up until they let anyone join, you're welcome to join.  You just got automatic entry to this, you're an OG.  Bonus points if you use your college password... jessicaalba4lyfe01...great password.  

- your profile picture must be your first FB profile picture, mine is above!  I clearly hated haircuts and loved thrift stores, think of me as a less white version of Macklemore.  

- we get Tom back from MySpace to be everyone's friend.  

- speaking of MySpace, you have to pick a song for your page, that was bad ass MySpace...I pick Disco Inferno by 50 Cent...it's sentimental, taking me back to a simpler time.  

- a limit on friends and you must put them in order (like MySpace).  If someone you met at a work training adds you on this, they immediately get kicked off due to awkwardness...trust me.  

- poking is back!  But since we're old, by this point instead of a finger, the icon it will be a cane. 

- remember Mafia Wars?  Yeah, it will be highly recommended that everyone has to play that.  

- if you broke up, were broken up with, even if you were first grade sweethearts, you aren't friend.  You know you're looking at your exes shit, stop being weird. 

- we're losing money on this project, don't you worry, I'm paying for your fun, so no ads.  No outside influence.  The only outside influence I want, is when you make an event and it ends up being a total rager, I want the cops to show up like every time we did the same thing in 2006.  

- speaking of losing money, timed mobile access.  We're on our phones enough, laptop, desktop or WEBTV only.  Hey, remember WEBTV?!?  After, oh let's say 10 hours a week, you're booted.  That should suffice...because 10 is a bonkers amount of time to be on one site.  

Next is for the people that want to join.  It's gonna be tough...get your pens and paper out, jot down some notes.  

IF YOU JOINED AFTER EVERYONE GAINED ACCESS.  You have to commit to the following:

- no opinions...about anything.  Just say hi, plan a party or poke me...it's basically college all over again.  

- no links can be shared.  Dangerous game of this developed when FB let the oldies join.  (personal favorite, that helicopters were holding a blanket, covering Mt. Rushmore during a government shut down, this was shared by an adult...who votes...go on, guess who she voted for and her stance on masks).  

- no reposts, ESPECIALLY from a radio station asking you clearly password related questions.  The make and model of my first car PLUS my social security number?  If you insist Power 94.5.  

- you get no picture...I want to like you for who you are...not what you filter.  You get one month to choose the perfect picture...here's what won't get you disqualified.

- tucking your shirt in unless you're in a dress shirt, unless it's ironic.  If you're at a white trash party and you tuck in your shirt in to jorts, sure.  If you're just white trash and tuck your shirt in to jorts...

- anything political, I almost said no to any red hat (including the Cardinals YUCK), but the Fred Durst red hat is back babaaay!  Keep on rollin', you know what time it is!

Then of course rules for staying on the site, your kicked off if you suck.  It'll be put to a vote by who you befriend.  If they think you're being a little off over the top, you can go.  

And that's it!  There's more to add, so if I missed anything let me know.  In other news I've had another blog written for the past week.  It started out as a parenting question as to how I constantly seem to be washing clothes.  Turned in to a motivating "you can do it!" about being parents/spouses/whatever.  Then it turned in to a wtf is wrong with people about the vaccine and masking.  Do I release the blog?  I don't know.  I do know it's going to piss some of you off.  I guess it wouldn't be allowed on oldfriends.com would it?  

Thanks for reading!

Jeff Kleeman

PS I know the numbers of my music posts are garbage, but I need to listen to each of my vinyls and take a break from buying them, so I'm going to listen to 2-4 vinyls a week and do some reviews, cuz why the f not?

HOvA

Thanks to every single person who read last weeks blog.  It 100% made it worth it to come back.  Did I get some anxiety thinking about the follow up?  No.  Did I change the subject content?  Yes (thanks Karl!)

So this was going to be about social media etiquette.  But it was going to be a stretch to write an entire blog about how I don't actually watch all the Snapchat videos if you post more than four in a row (seriously, just calm it down.  And if you ask why, I'm borderline OCD and if I watch one I have to watch them all...so if you look at your viewers and see I "saw" 27 videos in a row, I did not.  Also that's why I deleted people on Snap, it's too time consuming for my borderline OCD self!).

Also I love when I see people who don't like each other type the crying laughing emoji at the other persons stuff or say "I'm dyyyyyyyying!" and then immediately text their bro about how crappy that person is.  Seriously.  (I hate "I'm dying!" it's just as bad as lol.  Just know if I respond with a haha or any more ha's added on, I legit am laughing.  Also I hope I get some I'm dyyyyyyyying comments on this, please!  Lol).

The other topic in that blog clearly was the Facebook purge, but I don't think it's a good idea to go too in-depth, but I'll explain quickly.  If you want to get to the funny just pass by the italicized part!  

To get my thoughts out of the way, if I deleted anybody I got rid of them because 1. I randomly had a training with you in 2013 and you were super cool, but I don't really want to keep in touch.  And I'm not comfortable with you seeing my kids grow.  2.  You're a friend or acquaintance from college that kinda/sorta/is a racist, sexist, homophobic, or all of the above (raxiphobic!?)  Or we just lost touch...and that's fine!  I'll see you at a future D Days, it's no big deal!  3.  This is the hard to write one.  It's touchy!  I deleted some because I didn't want to argue or feel sad when I logged on Facebook.  It doesn't mean we can't get along in public, but last year I was getting really sad/angry logging in and was just over it, life is hard enough, so I quit Facebook for 2 months.  I got on begrudgingly because I missed my friends, just to notice not as many really use FB anymore so....  

Also the only person I wouldn't publicly like to be around actually deleted ME because he was making fun of people in a group chat for wearing masks and dying from covid, you gotta love that out of a state representative amiright (also leave trans kids alone you dick)?!  So I personally messaged him and told him it's not funny, he replied with a thumbs up emoji, which I could write a blog on how much I hate those, then he deleted me like a wuss.  End of story.  Fin.

And we're back!  And I doubt anyone actually skipped over that, but it is what it is.  So read the next part in a Jon Oliver voice....today we're going to talk about HOA's.  And what exactly that means to me as an adult.  Just kidding, HOA's are perfectly fine.  We're going to be discussing the best part of being an adult, FACEBOOK NEIGHBORHOOD GROUPS (and why being an adult is weird)!!!

So being an adult is funny.  The older you get, you realize that literally everyone is just winging it.  Nobody knows what they are doing, let's be honest.  And if you say you do, you're a liar.  Do you know what an escrow is?  I guarantee half of you reading this don't.  But the BEST entertainment is to see how childish and stupid people can be in these neighborhood groups.  

So much arguing and petty crap, it's great!  Some dude had his signs stolen off his front lawn, let's say he was a big supporter of arguably the worst president of all time.  So like a normal adult he goes on and blames a political party for stealing signs when, get this, it was just kids stealing signs.  All of the signs.  No matter the party.  So he blames liberals, but calls them the lib part with tards at the end (what a horrible word by the way, can you just not?) and buys a flag so his sign doesn't get stolen.  A gynormous flag of his candidate, then brags about it...like a child.  Also who buys a flag as an adult of a person!?  

And the Karen's...oh the Karen's who go on and complain about kids walking at night...who must've forgot at one point they were kids walking at night.  Have you seen these hooligans walking through the neighborhood at 8:45 PM tonight!?  They are ringing doorbells and running away!  THE TYRANNY!  This joke is for my newfound friend Taylor, but kids used to light literal crap on fire and put it on doorsteps, you're fine.  

I feel bad for anyone named Karen who is actually nice, because there are so many awful people who have ran with that name.  Someday I would like to explore why some older people are the way they are and why the boomers ruined things for everyone...I'd be afraid to type that part, but they can't find their Wi-Fi password to get online anyway so....

I think the craziest part of being an adult was I foolishly thought adults would be more mature when I was younger.  But they aren't.  The majority of you work who are reading this.  How much drama and workplace gossip goes on that could be entirely avoided?  Are people super bored or do they need the drama to make their life mean something? 

I have amazing work stories...that I'll share at some point that just don't sound real.  That's how dramatic they are.  And it boggles my mind.  Just go work.  It makes me tempted to write a Kleeman Report how I used to, and just go all out.  For the people from the beginning who got the email version of the Kleeman Report, remember those days?  My next blog I'm going to share a random (safe) edition of those and see the differences.  Yes, that's my next blog.  

I'm going to leave on that note, with the anticipation of you, the reader, wondering what happened in 2007 to my group of friends.  Get your flip phones, crank some T Pain and get your best Ed Hardy gear, we're going back in time.

Til next time.

Jeff

Facebook Trending

Hello!!!  Before we begin, a quick update on my show pitch to Jeff Kleeman.  1 out of 2 Jeff Kleeman's LOVE the idea.  Keep checking back for more updates. 

So if you've been on Facebook the past week, you've seen the newest and COOLEST trend.  Black and white pictures of...stuff.  Why?  Now that's a great question.  When I first started seeing it, I thought, "I'm indifferent".  But now when I see them, well, here's a black and white picture to show you what I think...



It's just another thing.  There was the ice bucket challenge, there were minions, there was actual #fakenews being spread, then non-actual #fakenews being spread (which is real news), now it's black and white pictures of anything...what's next!?

Well we're going to answer that for you.  I have enlisted some of the top minds in my speed dial, (do I still use speed dial...yes?) and we are going to give you some options as to the next Facebook trend.... hell, we might even start one of them.  So sit back, enjoy, and feel free to share what you like, because let's make this about YOU, the reader...because that's what Facebook does.  Let's go!

Kid Rock in the Morning

Are you having trouble getting your day started, but want to find the accurate Kid Rock song to express it?  Seven days straight...Kid Rock.  Nothing better to get your day going.  Here is my personal selection:

 We'll only keep this as 7 days, because there is such a thing as too much Kid Rock...trust me. 

Tag a friend in a random picture of food, but don't tell them why!  Then have them do one of you!

This one has unlimited possibilities.  Here is my friend Dustin:



Hahahaha what!?  That'll have his head spinning.  I hope I get one of these, I just hope it's not lasagna!!!!

Do something good in real life and don't post it on Facebook



Just kidding, that's not...that's not a thing.  Speaking of Nicolas Cage...

Every day is Nicolas Cage day, but only when he's laughing...day!



I made the gif bigger here...to differentiate you see....I wasn't being lazy!  You're lazy!

Take a picture at a restaurant you hate, but be eating at that restaurant, then make people guess and whoever guesses has to do the same thing you just did!



This is my least favorite restaurant, but I go due to other people's decisions.  Can you guess it!?  You better be careful because then you'll have to post a picture yourself!

Added bonus, contributing money to society and to servers who rely on money for a living! 



Petition to bring back Mafia Wars!!!

This isn't a joke.  I really want them to bring back Mafia Wars.  Is that still a thing?  Are my stats saved!? 

Where are they!?!



Post something you really love about your current significant other on your exes wall, then, they can do the same to one of their exes!

I don't see anything bad coming out of this idea. 

Well, we have a nice start.  Seven amazing ideas here people.  Feel free to add any in the comments on Facebook, on this website, or by text message.  I'll be constantly updating this blog throughout the week, then who knows, we may start our own trend!? 

Thanks for reading! 

Jeff Kleeman

Goals

It's 2017, which means a few things.  1.  You have decided that this year you are going to be a new you!  Yeah!!!!



2.  You, 9 days in, have already failed and reverted back to your bad habits.  It's okay!  You are still an awesome person.  And for you, yes YOU, reading this that has kept up on your New Year's resolution, well, the following gif is for you:



What'd you expect?  A douchy gif, showing how upset I am with your accomplishments?  No, that's not me, you do you.

I luckily didn't make any New Year's Resolutions, instead, I'm making a list of things to work on or do better at this year.  Maybe the first thing, and most of you should follow suit since...well because I'm right about this one, stop being so cynical about everything.

Oh, I know it's hard to do, especially with the climate of everything now.  People on both sides being god awful or obnoxious in their beliefs, or posts.  But just try.  Maybe get off the Facebook or Twitter, because it's getting you riled up.  Turn off the news, go for a jog (resolution for some) and relax.
Good will always...trump evil (see what I did there?), so it'll all be better shortly, sometimes things have to get crappy before they get better.  Crap, maybe I better attempt to stop pushing my beliefs at you, that's thing to work on number 1!

So let's get this party started huh?  The following are things that I, Jeff Kleeman, will work at learning/improving/doing for the year 2017.

1. Read above.  But I feel the work I put in to this blog in 2016 wasn't as great as 2014/15.  I can blame moving, a new job, leaving that job that turned in to crap, us expecting a child...I can use any excuse, but I just wasn't feeling it.  You can blame me.

I was getting too upset at idiots I saw posting on Facebook and wanted to write the perfect blog or take down, then would get writer's block when I tried, or had to delete it because it was too nasty.

My opinion isn't going to change how these people think, just like theirs is definitely not going to change the way I do.  So back to the basics of the blog: fun thoughts, 49'ers, pro wrestling, less NES blogs, and in perhaps as little as two days, a lot of thoughts on parenting.

2. Speaking of which, I must keep improving this blog.  I found I hated writing it when I was forcing certain subjects or writing it just to keep consistent with my posts.  Garbage.  This blog is certainly therapeutic, and judging by my numbers, you must like reading it for whatever reason, so I'll make sure not one blog sucks this year.

3. The most important one by far.  I'm going to do everything I can to be an amazing dad.  All I have to do is show up on day one and I'll be a better father than my dad within 1 second of my child's life.

Also, and no offense to those who do, I'm not going to post pictures of my kid just to get internet points.  Or attention.  Special pictures can go up, so friends or family who live far away can see some stuff.  But the thing that annoys me about it, the kids can't even talk yet, and people they don't know can track their every move.  It's weird.  And if you have a lot of Facebook friends, you don't legit know EVERYBODY, some people from college you knew could turn out to be pretty damn creepy in the future, it's been 10 years, a lot can change (I thought Hoobastank was here to last!).

Go on Facebook, right now, I dare you to not find one within one tiny scroll.  It's scary.  One of my best friends sent a photo of his newborn, I like that.  You can even send a text with a picture.  Not every single little thing needs to be documented on social media.  Not everything is worth sharing.

4. Speaking of sharing.  I will continue to make my Facebook experience as enjoyable as possible.

Full disclosure, any political garbage you share, unfollowed, fake news, unfollowed, posting pure garbage, unfollowed.  A repost with that damn old lady who isn't funny, unfollowed.



My Facebook feed is so clean, I'm legit shocked when I scroll through it and some garbage gets in there on how the decrease of nuclear families is making American's less patriotic (who, by the way, was posted by someone who was known for less than PG stunts in college on a consistent basis).

The next step may be unfriending the people, since I've documented how freaking hard it is to quit Facebook.

5.  I gotta read more books.  The time I spend scrolling through imgur and Twitter can be better suited to reading a book.  I've probably read the same "dump" (a dump is a bunch of photos all on one page, shared at once) 3 or 4 times now.  I can probably stand to learn something new.

So 5 seems like a good amount to stop at where I elaborate on what I change.  I think the rest of the way a quick "rapid fire" of all the things to improve on for 2017:

6. Finally start Weeds and Dexter (I've waited since 2011 and have no shows left, hooray!  I am truly somebody!)

7. Keep being a huge fan of the 49'ers, even though they suck, the Michigan Wolverines, even though they are now somehow more hated than Alabama/Nebraska/Ohio St/USC/Notre Dame, and root for the Cubs (I've written a blog about my change from the Mariners to Chicago, I love baseball as a sport to watch, even more so than football, I just really stopped caring about Seattle, plus I hate the Seahawks, so making the change to my NL team was easy), even though the ultimate irony is how much they will be hated now that they are really good.  Also go Bruins?

8. Keep listening to music, new and old, discovering new things.  It's always important, especially with a kid, to expose her to good music.  Limp Bizkit nursery rhymes mixed with Mary Had a Little Lamb.  Sure.

9. Keep exercising and eating right.  So, I just started this eating right thing, with mixed results.  I've never had to diet before, and wow, it's hard.  You can't just eat a slice of pizza for a snack, then have dinner, then ice cream, then a soda.  Also, do you know how many calories are in a soda!?  Jesus.

Losing about 15 pounds is my goal, and it's definitely attainable with eating healthy, doing my workouts, oh and I just got DDP Yoga, and so far, it's really awesome.

10.  I will defeat The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.  It's time to get that monkey from 1994 off of my back.

11.  Start saving for Wrestlemania next year.  Heather, Baby Kleeman, Brad, let's do this.

12.  Going on trips, life is too short.  We'll have a kid with us, but 2-3 trips a year is still doable.  And think of the internet points I can get, I mean, photos I can take!

Well I'm gonna end here, I have a few more goals, but I won't share them here.  2017 is going to be great, there will always be some bumps in the road, but just stay positive.  All you have to do is stop arguing with people on the internet and your year will improve already.

If you have any ideas on how to improve yourself, hell, even others, feel free to respond on this or my FB page.

Thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman