Burying the Past Teaser

I'm writing a book about all the stories from my life, and since I am INSANELY close to being done, I thought I would share a chapter on my blog.  I gotta gauge the recation of anybody who may want to purchase and/or read the book right!?

The book is called Burying the Past, when you read the whole thing, you'll get the gist.  The story below is about our dear friend Jorge.  I hope you enjoy and I really hope you like the book.  

* everyone's names, besides mine, have been changed in the book unless I got permission, for legal purposes yada yada yada, enjoy!

Jorge

I was going to do a comical take on writing about Jorge.  I was going to do a big write up as if he were real and then at the very end reveal that Jorge was in fact a beer bong, before going into his funeral…yes you read that right.  But writing it that way would be in awful taste, just like the kind of taste that came out of Jorge and into us.

Jorge came about one night by Beast and Murphy, who wanted to make a beer bong for all to enjoy.  He was named after a brachiosaurus toy that grows in the water, that they had as a pet.  Those are not meant to be pets as they are not real, living beings so it got a bit…disgusting.  So, this was the next best thing. 

You would never think that a beer bong would mean so much to so many.  Having literally a wife, Brooke, with two stepchildren in Young Boy and BV.  The day Jorge debuted is well documented, which was rare during late 2003 because there wasn’t Facebook.  There were no smart phones.  No Instagram.  It was incredible looking back on it.  What we did have was a digital camera.  Then after you took the pictures, you had to manually put them on a computer, then either put on a zip drive or CD and give to friends.  So barbaric!

That night is the second night I had ever blacked out.  The first being my 21^st birthday.  I had no idea the power a beer bong had, because I was really stupid, I believe I had 10 beer bongs that night.  The pictures are great, showing a bunch of young people having a good time with Jorge, living our best life.  From that point forward Jorge was a part of our family for more than a year.  Here are some amazing stories about Jorge during his all too brief time with us. 

We went to Sioux Falls, SD for an interesting night.  Our friend Bro Bro was at a party at his brother’s house, so he asked us to come up, so we brought Jorge and got at it.  We all got really drunk, but my friend Ben wanted to leave because there were no girls there, so the most sober had to drive…that was me.  The reason I drove you may ask?  Murphy and Ben fell asleep in the car smoking a cigarette, Murphy woke up to the cigarette burning his pants.  It was time to go. 

This was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, as I drove from Sioux Falls to Vermillion, which is roughly an hour.  On my drive there was not one single car the entire time.  It was the luckiest I had ever been…or so I thought.  I had made it home and went to sleep, while we were gone there was a party at my house, common theme.  I was awakened at 8 AM by Cowriter running in to my room.  “Where the hell is Jorge!?!?!”.  Oh my god, we had left him in Sioux Falls at the party.  I frantically called Bro Bro to make sure Jorge was okay, but it was so early he wasn’t going to answer.

LUCKILY, he was awake.  As he was driving to his hometown cross state.  In his hungover daze he responded, “Don’t worry, Jorge is with me.  He’s okay!”.  Thank.  God.  Jorge was safely delivered back a week later. 

Jorge had an amazing run for a beer bong.  Honestly, he was part of the family.  When we moved houses, he came with.  The next year of his life was at a house called the Double Barrel.  This house, and I’ll allude more to this later, was at the time the biggest party house on campus.  There was a party every night of the week, sometimes Sundays were taken off, more often than not they weren’t.  One brutal spring night, I was in my room making a mix CD for the party…that is actually something I did…and Cowriter and Bro Bro ran to my room (what is with Cowriter and Jorge?!).  Someone had stepped on Jorge.  He was dead.  I was FURIOUS.  I found the person who stepped on him and approached him.  “You fucking killed him!?”.  Clearly this college kid was very confused what I was talking about, as his only response was, “What?”.  Well, that riled me up even more and I kicked him out of my house.  He was gone. 

We tried to figure out if we could save him, but it was impossible.  The dipshit stepped right on the base of the funnel and cracked it.  So we did what any normal college kids would do, we threw a funeral. 

This is, out of all the stories I have, one of the funniest and one of the most bizarre.  So that week was interesting, trying to figure out the best way to honor Jorge and his memory.  So Murphy made a casket for Jorge, our roommate Stone embalmed him with Icehouse.  The casket was expertly crafted, and when Murphy’s dad walked in on him making the casket, he told his dad that it was a cabinet for his shoes.  I don’t think he bought it, but he didn’t ask any questions. 

Literally the same week we were put on noise probation because we had over 200 people at our house.  Beast was back from Europe, which ironically is the reason I started journaling all of our stories.  Our other friend, Bodyguard, had just joined the Navy, so we had a going away/welcome back party of massive proportions.  We had to do this funeral but be really sneaky about it and have a small gathering of people, or this time we’d get in deep shit.  

That week we made funeral preparations.  Skeet would be the priest and give a sermon.  We had speakers set up for speeches about what Jorge meant to us.  And we had a gigantic backyard, so we decided to bury him in the back next to a rock that was randomly in the middle of the yard. 

The morning of the funeral, we ran in to some issues, because who wouldn’t?  Stone was having reservations about Skeet’s sermon.  We had started to dig the hole next to the rock, but we noticed it just kept going, and going, and going.  This rock went into the depths of the earth, but it was too late so we dug out a little further to fit a casket.  It fit.  Now we decided to have service at 4 PM that day.  The reason for that?

We lived next door to a fucking church.  And this was a Saturday.  So, we thought the funeral would be done relatively quick, then we’d have a procession through town, go back and bury him, then show our respects.  We had 6 pallbearers; I was one of them.  It’s a very weird photo to see as an adult, that’s for sure. 

As the funeral began, church goers next door were starting to show up.  They showed up EARLY.  As Skeet finished his abbreviated sermon, it was time for Murphy to do a speech.  As he was giving his respects to Jorge, the beer bong, Murphy saw his parents walking into church.  His speech was cut short.  It was time for the procession. 

The funeral procession was one of the most insane moments of my life.  Muzzle drove a Bravada, a large black vehicle that fit himself and the pallbearers.  Because I’m short and skinny, I always sat “bitch” which was in the middle back of each vehicle.  Or in weird circumstances like this, I would sit in the VERY back of a vehicle, and there I was, sitting right next to Jorge in his casket. 

We started driving in a 4-5 car procession around town and I started to tear up.  I don’t know what happened, but the emotion overcame me when I looked in the car behind us.  It was Skeet driving, with Bear shotgun, dressed up.  I looked down at Jorge’s casket and it was just a very surreal moment for me.  We did a loop through town and, I shit you not, two cars joined in on our procession.  One was an old lady who probably had no idea what was happening.  I swear to this day she did the sign of the cross while we drove.  You and me both lady.  I actually, no joke, started to tear up in the back. 

The other car that joined I have no clue who it was, but as we got back to our home, we put Jorge down.  I threw in a letter and some pictures, and we buried him back in the ground.  He is still there to this day.  Skeet bought the house we lived at, so some day, we will get Jorge out of the ground.  The day was also turned in to a college movie that was directed by Stone.  This situation can show you how insanely creative my group of friends are AND how motivated we can all be if we truly want to get something done.  Thanks Jorge.  For everything.

Beer bongs were still had afterward.  A sibling was made for Jorge, and we went through the ringer trying to name it.  We settled on the name of Ol’ Boot, who was a fine lad, it just wasn’t the same.  It’s never been the same honestly.  RIP Jorge. 

Pour a 40

My coworker today who is about 15 years younger than me  asked me what it's like to turn 40?  For me personally, it's not too bad, well besides a few of the tiny negatives I'll discuss below.  I will say, some days all I really want to do is throw a party with flip cup and beer pong, but have the party end by 10 pm, while playing one hit wonders from the 90's and 2000's, perhaps doing the music draft drinking game.  Is that too much to ask?  It seems like yesterday I was throwing beer pong tourneys or having reunion parties that weren't hard to plan, life comes at you pretty fast! 

Turning 40 means a few things:

1.  Hair is getting weird.  You're either losing it or getting it in weird places.  I remember talking to my uncle back in the day and staring at his ear hair, "that'll never happen to me!" I said... unrelated, the ear trimmer is one of the best purchases I've ever made.  (note to self: make humorous blog in the future on really stupid shit you've bought that's amazing...like the ear trimmer).  

2. You're starting to figure some things out.  Maybe the best thing I ever figured out, I was a young 38 year old, but everyone is faking it.  Nobody knows wtf they are doing and if they say they are, they're lying.  So you're fine.  Go do whatever, nobody has it perfect except for two people (the answer is at the bottom of this blog, and in no way am I going to say it's the AT&T girl).

3.  Friend groups do start to change.  If you're reading this, there's a 75% chance we're friends since I'm only sharing this on FB.  If you told me 10 years ago that I'd have friends who support a president who tried to steal a presidency, I would've asked, "What are you smoking, pal!?  Seriously, what are you smoking?"  But 10 years ago I also would've told you there's no way there'd be a sequel to Top Gun or that Kate Bush would have a number 1 song in 2022 or that people hate Chris Pratt or...I can go on and on, you get the gist.  

People change, and that's one of the things I think I've struggled with the most in this post-2016 world of craziness.  My point of view isn't entirely right 100% of the time, but what in the living fuck am I missing?  You like red hats?  Do you think January 6th was a fun field trip?  I don't know how so many smart people can go down that road and be...fine with it?  Most of these people have kids, kids repeat behaviors they see, and from what the "evil" media is showing, (both parties suck btw, but one is a tiny less evil) is that there is a serious danger to how a lot of people in power are acting.  (If you would've told me 10 years ago what would happen on January 6th actually happened AND that James Franco wasn't a cool guy!?). 

Arguing about wearing a mask to save someone's life...is odd.  Laughing about having better gun laws to protect so many innocent people who are just going out and living their life (ESPECIALLY with Buffalo and Uvalde)...is odd.  Telling a woman what to do with her body so a life can come in to the world and not get the help he or she needs because a church, (that should be taxed btw), is really in the pockets of so many politicians (also the NRA isn't taxed either and there should be a limit on donations and from whom...but that'll never happen),  THEN the dirty politicians rig the system where nothing matters that's voted on and nobody is in control of their own life, they are controlled by a bunch of piece of shit, old rich men and women who have nothing in common with you (no matter what you think, the only thing you have in common with Trump is liking Diet Coke)....is odd.  (If you would've told me ten years ago I would've typed that long ass run-on sentence and that Coca Cola would have a flavor from outer space?!  WHAT!?)

The troubling thing myself and most have noticed in the past few years, bad behavior is really trending up, and there are zero repercussions.  The sad thing we should've noticed because it's been in plain sight this whole time, there was always this bubbling anger underneath, and correct me if I'm wrong, but Trump winning really brought that out, didn't it?  And now it's completely fine to have a flag saying Fuck Biden on it, or some asshole driving around Lincoln with the N word on his car, or some defiant asshole calling everyone a pussy for wearing a mask...all of whom have kids who see this shit (clearly I think swearing is fine)...but you scoff at what was brought up just above just for people's safety...fuck you.  (If you told me 10 years ago that I would be upset about people's parenting and that there weren't any CD players in cars anymore...)

So friendships change, you move away and start new lives.  You surround yourself with people of like minds...when you find the time.  You start to only hear the opinion of people who share the same exact thoughts and viewpoints as you.  Then you start to hate people who are different, then that affects some friendships.  Here's a fun ice breaker for possible new friends, ask someone you just met their thoughts on Colin Kaepernick, whichever answer they give will help you decide if you're friends or not.  (If you told me 10 years ago that Kaepernick hadn't brought the 49'ers at least 2 more Super Bowl's and that Michigan would only beat Ohio St 1 time in those TEN YEARS!?!?).

The thing I would like to delve in to sometime, is how bad 2005 was for society?  What's affected us worse from that year, looser gun laws being passed or social media becoming the norm?  

4. Still with me after that?  I'm gonna get some texts, pm's and telegrams, oh well.  

You really start to figure out certain scams as you get older.  Scams that help me?  Oh no, no, no.  Scams that take money out of everyone's pocket and there's nothing you can do about it!  What are the scams!?

- Taxes: where do they go?  Why do they take so much?  Why do rich people not pay them and poor people do?  How about only tax the super rich?  That way accountants can keep their jobs.  You don't need to tax some poor...literally...person who is working at a gas station and as a janitor and can't afford to keep their lights on at home, all the while taking care of a family that may or may not in the future be forced to have a kid they can't afford...damn run on sentences.  

- Daycare: It's the most needed commodity that will be on this list.  But the average person shells out so much money for daycare, only for it to really fuck you over.  What do I mean?  A disease infested daycare where your kid will get sick, then the daycare will tell you to take your kid home, which is FINE, because sick kids shouldn't be at daycare.  But some parents have to take their kids to daycare because they can't find care at home or stay home because they have to work.  So those kids get my kids sick, then I have to stay home, then the kids can't go back for a certain amount of time so you're paying a daycare bonkers money for them to not watch your kid, while you miss work.  THEN, if you want to leave the daycare, it's either a 2 or 4 week notice.  I literally don't know how people struggling to make ends meat make it.  

(Also I have met some AMAZING teachers at daycare that would do anything for these kids, who deserve better facilities, but the owners pocket most of the money and leave them with no budget...or at home daycare's where they just put movies on for an entire day and fuck around on Facebook all day).

- Insurance: Oh, the biggest scam of them all.  Health insurance doesn't cover a thing and takes the majority of people's paychecks.  I...hmmm, how to word this?  I know of someone who was hired for a job that had a few kids, she needed a job just so her kids would have insurance.  Insurance took up 3/4th's of her paycheck and she worked in...wait for it...THE MEDICAL FIELD.  Shouldn't you get something back?  Shouldn't the system be set up so there's free health care!?  No!?  Imagine if that lady had NO health insurance to pay for, how she could save for her kids, pay off other bills or god forbid buy something nice for herself and enjoy life.  Her splurge was Subway, the only person who splurged on Subway is doing time...(if you told me 10 years ago...).

- The Work Week: 40 hours is unneeded, Monday - Friday is outdated.  Vacation time is non-existent.  We prioritize work so much and then you get old, then you retire, then you hopefully have at least 2 decades to enjoy, I really hope you, yes YOU, get that.  

It just seems like there should be something better out there for so many people who go to college, who then leave with a ton of debt and hopefully no STD's, then get in a very competitive workforce to be unhappy.  In my book I'm writing, I go into great detail on all the jobs I've had because I've always believed happiness trumps (is that why you like him?  Cuz his fake last name is such a great word!?) being miserable, and trust me, at some jobs I have been MISERABLE.  Luckily I have been lucky enough to be so good at the interview process, I never had trouble finding a job.  And now it's cool to job jump, so take that my old boss at Enterprise who told me I'd never amount to anything!

So that's just a few things that getting older has done for me.  That and getting to the age where I keep hearing about people having affairs.  I've said this joke to my wife, there's no way I could cheat, by 8 PM each night I'm so exhausted I can't even read a book.  I'm sadly more impressed that anyone can have the energy, physical or mental, for infidelity.  I can't even remember my kids names sometimes.  That and dealing with one person's bullshit is enough, imagine having to put the effort in to two, or even three!?!?  Again, tip of the cap I suppose.  

So that about does it, I honestly can't wait to see what 50 brings!?  My kids will be teenagers, so that'll be a whole new world of chaos.  I do hope things get better, but sadly it seems like every single time there's a step forward, there's a solid 80 steps back everyone is making.  (Judging by my proofread of this blog, this blog might infuriate enough where I don't write another one of these until I'm 50...).

Thanks for reading.

PS 

WHO HAS IT PERFECT ANSWER!?  Former NBA player Robert Horry and...you guessed it, Milana "AT&T Girl" Vayntrub.  

Table for Six: Redux

A few weeks ago a blog I had written came up called "Table for 6" which I wrote in 2016.  A lot has happened since then, but if you want to check it out, it's right here: Table for 6.  My apologies for any broken links or photos not showing up, it's a 5 year old blog and I don't feel like going in to fix it.  

Now clearly a lot has happened since 2016 on my list as well as a lot of others chosen for their lists.  A lot of people got cancelled, came out as racist/sexist/homophobic/horrible or something as simple as thoughts and opinions changing over time.  Hey, remember when Amy Schumer was funny!?  Also some of my jokes didn't age well either, nothing horrendous thankfully, but clearly now that I'm older and wiser some of my jokes are cringy in that blog...is cringy a word?!

So clearly my original list has changed, here is the original: 

1. George Clooney

2. Bill Murray

3. Will Ferrell

4. Chris Pratt

5. The Rock

So looking at that list I wanted to go out and laugh and get drunk, so basically hanging out with my friend group.  I would only eliminate Pratt because fame seems to have gone to his head and Ferrell, simply because there's others I'd want to hang with over him now.  So here is my updated list:

1. George Clooney

2. Bill Murray

3. The Rock

4. Ryan Reynolds

5. Paul Rudd

I do notice, with the exception of Murray, this is also a lot of of hall pass lists for the women and men out there.  So just a bunch of us good looking guys going out and getting drunk with some laughter.  

So now that my new list is up, there are some issues, problems.  Why do they all have to be actors?  Why can't they be athletes or politicians?  For starters, athletes that I would choose probably wouldn't be that interesting for a night out, let's do a top 5 for that.

1. Michael Jordan

2. Ken Griffey, Jr.

3. Jerry Rice

4. Kyle Orton

5. Dennis Rodman

So it'd be a fun night, but I feel most would watch what they eat besides Orton and some wouldn't want to get too crazy besides Rodman...and okay, Orton as well.  When it comes to politicians, it would be a classy affair, but it would ultimately end in arguments, cocaine, and some sort of scandal, so basically like parties in college (unless you haven't grown up and never will).  

Living politicians I would go out with?  Oh man, there's like 3 I find interesting, but let's do it.

1. Barack Obama

2. AOC

3. Bill Clinton

4. George Bush

5. Donald Trump....surprised!?

Clearly this night would be horrendous.  I only say Bush because you know he parties and he's a typical rich kid so he's going to try to impress constantly and pay for things.  Trump, only added for how insane it would be.  What rants would he go on?  How many times would he bring up that he won when he didn't?  Or clearly he knows he lost and he's just being a fuck?  Who would he con to pay for the bill and when would him and Clinton sneak out to do blow and get hookers with their pal Eff Jeppstein who looks oddly like...okay I'm gonna get out of this scenario.

Also you may have noticed a lack of women so far, with just AOC making the list.  There's a few women that were close to making the cut.  Let's start with list 1, list of super awesome women I'd like to go out with and have some drinks.

1. Tina Fey

2. Kristen Wiig

3. Becky Lynch

4. Milana Vayntrub

5. Lady Gaga

I think that'd be a fun time, also Milana Vayntrub is the AT&T girl, but she has pretty like minded views like myself, follow her on Twitter, she seems great even though she works for AT&T which is an evil ass corporation supporting fake news.

Now for the semi sexist part, the hall pass part (I FINALLY GOT TO THIS BLOG IDEA!!  IT'S BEEN YEARS IN THE MAKING!).

1. Milana Vayntrub (SECOND SHOWING!)

2. Emilia Clarke

3. Alison Brie

4. Jessica Chastain

5. Kat Dennings

Music entertainers are clearly missing as well.  That's easy, I'm just not that interested in them for reasons I'll describe after.

1. Paul McCartney

2. Ringo Starr

3. Eminem

4. Jay Z

5. Justin Timberlake

Clearly the Beatles would be fun to talk to, maybe Eminem for a bit, he's funny.  After that it's a stretch, there has to be more interesting than Jay and JT, but I don't know.  

You know who I would love to go out with?  Wrestlers.  Here's my list.  

1. Kevin Owens

2. CM Punk

3. Bryan Danielson

4. Alexa Bliss

5. Jon Moxley

All time wrestling list?

1. Stone Cold Steve Austin

2. Ric Flair

3. Bret Hart

4. The Rock

5. Vince McMahon

Have I covered each version of entertainment besides adult entertainment and internet celebrities (same thing)?  If I missed any I might add to this blog later, but I think we did it, besides Jeff in 1996's top 5, let's see how this has aged!

1. Jennifer Aniston

2. Kathy Ireland

3. Tiffani Amber Thiessen

4. Michael Jordan

5. Jim Carrey

Close omissions, Macho Man Randy Savage and 2 Pac....two great rappers.  

Maybe top 5 celebrities I've met that I'd like to go out with?

1. Jerry Rice

2. Dolph Ziggler

3. January Jones

4. Coolio

5. Tech N9ne

I can't wait to revisit this list in 5 years, I really, really hope nobody in my top 5 ends up sucking, or maybe Chris Pratt becomes cool again?  Also sincere apologies to Bill Hader who always JUUUST misses my list.  

Feel free to type your list on FB or below, these are always fun to look at.  Until next time!

Jeff Kleeman

Oh...let's do a bottom 5 list of people I never want to interact with ever:

1. Tucker Carlson

2. Flo from Progressive

3. Donald Trump, Jr.

4. Bono

5. Urban Meyer

Parental Non-Advisory

 

I love this title.  It was going to be fuck daylight savings time, which was the reason for "parental advisory" but then I didn't want to sound like I'm giving parenting advice.  If you're watching your kid and helping them learn and develop and you have a roof over their head, you're doing just fine.  

Nope this article will be about parental observations because I haven't done one of these blogs in so long.  Reason I haven't written my blog in a while?  I'm writing my book!  It's an autobiography about my life.  Am I famous?  No.  Do I have great stories?  Yes.  Do I hope to make some money off of it and send it to a producer who I share the same name with and then have him option the rights to it and I make even more money off of it to pay off our student loans?  Maybe.  Here's parenting stuff I wanted to write about.

Daylight Savings is the worst.  We all know this.  It's definitely not needed anymore and it needs to go.  Either keep the fall back or the spring forward time and fucking GET RID OF IT.  It's great if you're in your 20's and you get an extra hour to get drunk and sleep in.  It's great if you're not a parent, but like, sort of.  It's cool to get that extra hour, but then it throws off your day.  Then when it gets warm you lose an hour anyway.  How is that fair?  Fuck daylight savings.  

Potty training a boy vs a girl is insanely different.  Girls just go right away.  No issues, at least for us.  Boys.  He's been potty trained since July.  But boy does he love poop in his pants (Leo when you read this in the future, I hope you have stopped by then).  The reason I'm writing about this is...well it was funny and gross lol.  You ever garden or do something outside and get mud stuck in your finger nail?  Yesterday I got poop stuck in my finger nail.  It was quite the surprise.  He had to poop, I didn't know there was poop in his pants, damn thing flew in the air and I caught it like a baseball, a little too well.  But yeah, if parenting has done anything to me, it's made me not get sick to my stomach on poop and puke, so that's a win. 

Daycare.  Daycare is great and crappy at the same time.  I love it because if you get a good one it's great.  The kids learn things.  Make friends.  That's awesome.  The crappy part?  The daycare cold.  Then we, the parents get it.  Then the kid gets sick at daycare and they can't go to daycare where they initially got sick.  Also, and I'll deal with this a lot more when I get older, shitty parents are the worst.  Daycare providers reading this, you know exactly the kind I'm talking about.  Also daycare should be free and the employees should make more money.  That's 1 of 100 things wrong with everything right now.  Tax the rich.  Pay for daycare.  Student loans.  Education.  Raise the minimum wage.  Term limits.  Wait, I thought this was about kids?

Halloween is the best.  For every single age.  0-12.  Trick or treating, free candy.  13-18.  Parties, I'm assuming.  Or put on a costume and still go, who cares?  18-25.  College parties.  26-34 adult parties.  35-58 adult parties or hand out candy to trick or treaters which is fun or go out with your kids and get UNLIMITED FREE CANDY AS AN ADULT.  We won't go past 58 but I'm guessing handing out candy is pretty cool to kids, but old people always hand out the shittiest candy.  So listen up my generation, full size candy bars if you can afford it or at worst the bag with Baby Ruth's in them.  

Back to the free candy.  I haven't had this many Kit Kat's in years...and I love that.  Thanks people!

Another thing that's true for all ages.  Food shaped as things tastes better.  Mac and cheese?  Yeah it's good.  Mac and cheese in the shape of Spongebob?  Give me more.  Same goes for sandwiches.  Cut those things up, even in a triangle, boom tastes better.  You cut them in to stars and circles?  Holy shit, gourmet.  

When do bubbles lose their appeal?  Maybe bubbles start to suck at like age 7?  But man do kids f'ing love bubbles.  I walked in to my son's daycare last week and they were just sitting around a bubble machine, watching it like I used to watch movies in college when I was inebriated.  I don't get it.  

Movies now are crazy.  And shows.  Imagine having to wait like we did to watch a show.  Or rent it?  Now when the kids want to watch something, it's instant access.  Lucky jerks.  If I wanted to rent Ladybugs I had to go to the video store like a not normal 9 year old and pay $1.  Also, I have no idea why I liked that crappy movie so much.  Speaking of movies.  How are there 4 Chipmunk movies!?  Didn't we get it after movie one?  Did we really need 3 more to help us progress the story of Dave and how he made friends with singing chipmunks and then used them and their talent?  After the book is done, I might review children's movies, or movies in general from a realistic point of view.  I'll call it, "Why?".

I think that's it for me.  I won't write another of these for a while because I have a goal to finish this book by December 31st.  After that, meh we'll see.  Have a great day everyone.  And screw leap year.  

Jeff

Washing Clothes (Everyone is Faking It)

*This has been written for weeks, but I've been sitting on it.  But here we go!

I've been stuck on a blog topic for the past few weeks....and here's why.  There's only so much I can write about...feeling that all I do is wash clothes as a parent.  

I literally do 3 things in life.  1.  Parent.  2.  Complain about a lack of sleep even though it's a sufficient amount.  3.  Wash clothes.  Where was that advice in the parenting handbooks that I read!?  (Yes, I read 2 parenting handbooks, front to back.  I also read a "baby-led weaning" book.  I also have one more downstairs that I got as a gift from my aunt and uncle for when the kids get older.  Hint, most of these books have very useful advice...hint again, you will really follow none of it.  Don't even get me started on baby-led weaning).    

I got clothes duty at the house, I don't usually mind.  What I do mind is that with 2 kids who are a combined 60 pounds seem to quadruple the amount of laundry we have.  It's so MONOTONOUS. 

In between washing clothes, you parent.  Parenting is hard.  So when I see a person giving me advice on how to talk to a screaming toddler...I listen, I thank this guy/girl for their wisdom in my head....and then I literally forget everything I was just told.  Everyone is faking it.  In fact...I will right now put that in parenthesis in the title of this blog...(Everyone is Faking It).

You can take that however you want.  Parenting, marriage, work?  Everyone is faking it...well almost everyone.  If you're trying and actually spending time with your kid, you are doing great.  If you're spending actual time with your significant other, not cheating on them or being a dick, fantastic job.  Work?  Work is third most important, it should definitely not be your first two, but if you're trying and not setting a place on fire, I think you're doing pretty good...trust me, I've had a lot of jobs!  But overall, just being a good person will get you far in life.  This everyone...is faking it...in a good way ;)

So this blog really won't have a specific topic...not that it ever does?  How about I get in to some random thoughts?  

*upon completion of this blog, it DEFINITELY has a specific topic.  

- I hate covid and want it to go away.  

- Why does everyone with a "If you don't like this country, get out!" t-shirt always tuck it in?  And wear sunglasses that are too small for their face?

- I really wish I could take my kids places without worrying they will get sick from this f'ing pandemic.  I wish more parents, and people honestly, felt the same.  

- Why does everyone with a "If you don't like this country, get out!" t-shirt always wear it on a super hot day?  They are predominantly black shirts.  It's not really good for the ol' body temp.  Black does hide pit out stains I guess, but it doesn't hide your beliefs.  Also these shirts have so much writing on them!  It's like a No Fear shirt without the irony. 

- I really wish politicians wouldn't suck.  Both sides suck, sure, but one side likes to believe January 6th was a pleasant day for tourism.  Hates masks.  Really hates science and women's rights.  Doesn't understand HPAA.  

- Global warming is real and there's seemingly nothing we can do about it because of idiots, greedy idiots, assholes, or greedy idiot assholes.  In 20 years the climate is supposed to be drastically different, I'll be 59, I'm 3/4th's done at that point, but my kids will just be getting started.  How beyond f'd up is that?  Where was that in the parenting book...here's my entry:

"You will get anxiety about your kids future about things that are out of your control.  War?  Global warming?  Terrorism?  The Kardashian's coming back?  Another pandemic if this one doesn't fucking go away?  Boys?  Girls?  College?  If you are thinking of having kids, think about what life will be like in 20 years, that's my fucking parenting advice."

- Why does anyone wear a "If you don't like this country, get out!" shirt in public?  Just makes me think you're a trash person looking for an argument.  Also your hall pass is probably Lauren Boebert...which, yeah sure I guess?  At least it's not MTG...(note to self, how to write a non-offensive hall pass article?  I mean Emilia Clarke is probably my answer now that the AT&T girl got a weird haircut, or Margot Robbie).  

Story time.  Last winter our kids had swimming lessons.  And there was a mask mandate to get in for all parents.  It was in the emails/texts/on the door.  Everyone followed it.  Except one guy.  My nickname for him was January 6th, I kept wanting to ask him how the trip was to DC.  And he was always smirking!  So let's get deep here (that's what she said).  My biggest disappointment in becoming an adult, is realizing that some people never fully become one.  

Also nobody ever confronted him about it.  A) because they were on his side, but actually following the rules because we were in a business where, you know, people should follow the rules.  Or B) nobody wanted to get in to a confrontation/argument at their kids swimming lessons (this would be me).  

Growing up I stupidly thought people got smarter as they got older.  Whether it was learning from mistakes they'd made.  Realizing what their parents taught them were wrong.  Maybe just getting education or being put in a different circumstance could help them learn as people, being accepting of others.   It's how you get more well rounded as an individual, making friends with people that don't have the same...anything...as yourself.  No, all of these people grew up to not wear masks and make fun of people for getting a vaccine to help them live.  Social media definitely doesn't help.  Technology really f'd us on misinformation but really helped (un-f'd us?) on figuring out who the people were that we didn't need in our life. 

I'm still learning to be a better person, human being, husband, dad, Madden player (too many buttons, why did they make it so hard!).  Nobody is perfect.  But in between washing clothes, I need to teach my kids the importance of being kind.  Learning new cultures and lifestyles.  Not being a complete fucking asshole.  You know, the small things.  Most importantly, I need to teach them to not wear a stupid shirt out (or poorly made red hats....or Nazi hats, definitely not something I thought I'd type in 2021...NAZI HATS) in public, meant to start confrontation, menace people, and bully.  

I'm literally tired of logging on to whatever daily social media and being disappointed by yet another story/opinion/event that shouldn't be happening.  I really should rename this blog 98% of people suck, but if you know me, you know I think that already.  I'm incredibly frustrated at the future my kids might have, looking at how bleak it is with the lawmakers who are in charge now, the politicians who don't have your/our/their best interests in mind.  Global warming is a thing.  This pandemic is a thing.  Jersey Shore is still on TV.  What in the living fuck is going on?  

I married a physician, so I've been getting texts or calls since 2012, asking a medical opinion and invading her free time with questions.  But the minute medicine became insanely political and she gives advice that you don't agree with, like wearing a mask and getting a vaccine, you go looking for what you want to hear and sadly it's coming from someone with tiny sunglasses, wearing a shirt that tells you "If you don't like this country, get out!".  Unfortunately that person doesn't know what they are talking about...this would be known as faking it...in a bad way :(

Do better. 

Jeff Kleeman 

Old Friends

The best idea my friend Cory ever came up with was a social media website called, myspacebook.com.  Clearly a nice riff on the CLASSIC website MySpace, combining it with the formerly awesome, now a forever nuisance, Facebook.  (Cory don't kill me!  Plus you own socialdownfall, might as well buy myspacebook.com as well!  Kaaaaaah!).

But now that Facebook sucks, I think it's time for a new social media to hit the scene (oh I'm aware of Snapchat, Instagram, the ill-fated MySpace comeback, Friendster, TikTok, etc...but this new website will eliminate the need for them all!).  So this new website is going to have some ground rules.  I don't want a bunch of the far sides (far left or right) ruining our fun.  Let's call the site oldfriends.com.

Below is what will be needed to join this website.  

- THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE, if you were on Facebook in 2005 up until they let anyone join, you're welcome to join.  You just got automatic entry to this, you're an OG.  Bonus points if you use your college password... jessicaalba4lyfe01...great password.  

- your profile picture must be your first FB profile picture, mine is above!  I clearly hated haircuts and loved thrift stores, think of me as a less white version of Macklemore.  

- we get Tom back from MySpace to be everyone's friend.  

- speaking of MySpace, you have to pick a song for your page, that was bad ass MySpace...I pick Disco Inferno by 50 Cent...it's sentimental, taking me back to a simpler time.  

- a limit on friends and you must put them in order (like MySpace).  If someone you met at a work training adds you on this, they immediately get kicked off due to awkwardness...trust me.  

- poking is back!  But since we're old, by this point instead of a finger, the icon it will be a cane. 

- remember Mafia Wars?  Yeah, it will be highly recommended that everyone has to play that.  

- if you broke up, were broken up with, even if you were first grade sweethearts, you aren't friend.  You know you're looking at your exes shit, stop being weird. 

- we're losing money on this project, don't you worry, I'm paying for your fun, so no ads.  No outside influence.  The only outside influence I want, is when you make an event and it ends up being a total rager, I want the cops to show up like every time we did the same thing in 2006.  

- speaking of losing money, timed mobile access.  We're on our phones enough, laptop, desktop or WEBTV only.  Hey, remember WEBTV?!?  After, oh let's say 10 hours a week, you're booted.  That should suffice...because 10 is a bonkers amount of time to be on one site.  

Next is for the people that want to join.  It's gonna be tough...get your pens and paper out, jot down some notes.  

IF YOU JOINED AFTER EVERYONE GAINED ACCESS.  You have to commit to the following:

- no opinions...about anything.  Just say hi, plan a party or poke me...it's basically college all over again.  

- no links can be shared.  Dangerous game of this developed when FB let the oldies join.  (personal favorite, that helicopters were holding a blanket, covering Mt. Rushmore during a government shut down, this was shared by an adult...who votes...go on, guess who she voted for and her stance on masks).  

- no reposts, ESPECIALLY from a radio station asking you clearly password related questions.  The make and model of my first car PLUS my social security number?  If you insist Power 94.5.  

- you get no picture...I want to like you for who you are...not what you filter.  You get one month to choose the perfect picture...here's what won't get you disqualified.

- tucking your shirt in unless you're in a dress shirt, unless it's ironic.  If you're at a white trash party and you tuck in your shirt in to jorts, sure.  If you're just white trash and tuck your shirt in to jorts...

- anything political, I almost said no to any red hat (including the Cardinals YUCK), but the Fred Durst red hat is back babaaay!  Keep on rollin', you know what time it is!

Then of course rules for staying on the site, your kicked off if you suck.  It'll be put to a vote by who you befriend.  If they think you're being a little off over the top, you can go.  

And that's it!  There's more to add, so if I missed anything let me know.  In other news I've had another blog written for the past week.  It started out as a parenting question as to how I constantly seem to be washing clothes.  Turned in to a motivating "you can do it!" about being parents/spouses/whatever.  Then it turned in to a wtf is wrong with people about the vaccine and masking.  Do I release the blog?  I don't know.  I do know it's going to piss some of you off.  I guess it wouldn't be allowed on oldfriends.com would it?  

Thanks for reading!

Jeff Kleeman

PS I know the numbers of my music posts are garbage, but I need to listen to each of my vinyls and take a break from buying them, so I'm going to listen to 2-4 vinyls a week and do some reviews, cuz why the f not?

This Is 39

 

*DISCLOSURE

I'm an open book, I was originally putting the finishing touches on my blog "Stay Close, Move Far" about my interview with SDPB about moving away from South Dakota.  Then the weirdest feeling hit me, I was writing a blog about South Dakota, writing about how I need to stop writing about South Dakota...so I stopped writing it.  Here's a link if you want to read the interview I had.  

Here is the link: SDPB Link

The reporter did great, she got most of what I stated in there.  I went to school for journalism, dabbled in the TV for a bit as well...you do these interviews to get your story how you want.  We moved for those reasons, among others.  I also said nice things about the people in the state, and I CLEARLY love the state.  It just didn't make it in, which is fine.  But that doesn't need to be covered by me in a very long...very angry...blog.  

If you read this blog, you know my feelings (some don't apparently, I'm just a text away, honestly ask me anything and I tell the truth, weird how that works) about why we moved.  No need to cover it in this blog for the FOURTH time.  The Kleeman Report, sadly, started to gain a lot of steam in college because I, as the kids say, used to spill the tea.  I got away with a lot on the re-read I did, some good, some very bad, and that's not who I am anymore.  You change.  You get older.  You realize drama is dumb and that's why you stay out of it (or not write an angry blog aimed at people who probably won't read this).  I had a lot living rent free (again, as the kids say) in my overactive mind and it's time to let all of that go.  If anything I do or say is in yours, maybe you should let that go too.  Life's short.  Have fun.  Wear shades. 

THIS IS 39

Getting older sure is weird, isn't it?  I got done taking my shower the other day and I realized...there's a gray hair in my eyelash...and this blog idea came to me.  What new things have I noticed?  What is different now in my routine?  Is it spelled grey or gray?  

All of these and more will be in the following, with easy to read bullet-points!!!  Yeah!!!  We all love bullet-points!  Let's go!  Cut 'em up!

• I'm going to do a tie in with what I wrote from above.  Getting older, you just kinda stop caring as much what anyone thinks of you anymore.  It's not good for the brain.  And if you have an imagination like me, anything can just sit in your head for as long as you let it.  I have the bad habit of wanting to have the last word as well, but since I had kids that's just not going to be a thing anymore.  So let people think what they want, I'd rather play cars with my son or do something creative with my daughter.
• Now that the "heavy" part is out of the day.  My eyelashes getting gray was very unforeseen.  Like that's a thing!?  Why!? 
• Everyone, boy or girl, if they are under 25 looks 12.  I got carded buying alcohol the other day and the kid looked like he was on a Nickelodeon show.  The Suite Life of Zack and/or Cody ID'd me and it was surreal...oddly while I was buying cereal.
• Speaking of which!  Cheap brands were always kinda looked down upon when I was growing up, now they are my jam (except for Cinnamon Toast Crunch, not happening).  
• Speaking of which part 2!  Cheap clothes now vs when I was growing up...a 100% improvement.  Walmart or K-Mart clothes back then?  Just pure garbage.  Then they decide to step their game up when I'm in my 30's, where I MUST BUY a Wrestlemania t-shirt because it's freaking dope.
• Oh my god my chest hair is now grey/gray.  
• At 39, you start to feel like a turd to my mom for the above 2 reasons, because honestly food is food.  Sorry mom!  I easily could've enjoyed Dr. Hy-Vee just as much as Dr. Pepper.  They both got their doctorates, take that Mr. Pibb!
• If I don't use a foot cream...my feet look like those of an 80 year old man.  Now my feet look like the feet of a 45 year old man.  Quite the improvement.
• Everything hurts, but then you forget about it, until you think of that body part.  If you're over 32 right now and reading this, think of your neck in your head.  It hurts doesn't it?  Sorry, not sorry.
• I used to be a night owl.  I would even watch James Corden, that's...that's a problem...that is until I had children.  Now 10 PM, get me some news, get me some weather, maybe a chapter in a book and BAM, bedtime by 10:30.  
• I was at the pool last week, hanging with my son while Heather was with our daughter.  A kid under 25 walked by (could've been 12, 16, 18, or 25, I CAN'T TELL!).  Blink 182 was playing..."I love this oldie, it's so good!"...and then, depression set in.  
• Every hair imaginable...is now grey/gray.
• Drinking is so different.  A few things to discuss here.  A drank a lot in college, more than probably 20 of you reading this.  I don't know how I survived.  I was telling a neighbor about mix drink Monday in college.  We had the biggest night on campus at our house, on a Monday night, just drinking liquor.  Playing liquor pong.  Teams of 2-3 splitting a 1.75 of cheap alcohol...and we destroyed it, woke up the next morning and got Pizza Hut lunch buffet, repeat.  The dude was baffled that this was a thing...now just thinking about it, I want to vomit.  
• So before that previous paragraph gets too long, I can have about 5-6 IPA's in a night and not be hung over.  But I might have 2-3 drinks and go out and feel like garbage the entire next day.  
• I could have a few glasses of wine and feel okay...also in my 30's, wine has now become a thing for me.
• Blacking out isn't as cool anymore in your late 30's...it probably...never...was cool to begin with.  I just can't imagine drinking that much again now and then not knowing what I did the night before...I freak out if I forget to lock the door. 
• Fish Oil pills.  
• Dieting is a funny thing.  It sucks and if you are trying to diet I want to let you know it's the hardest thing to do.  Burger King ads with new delicious burgers.  McDonald's has the ice cream machine working.  Tacos.  Sushi.  Meat.  All of it is so good and it's constantly on TV.  I'm not currently dieting, but I've tried to watch what I eat...it's insanely difficult.
• I say the above because I got rid of dairy for a week, and my body felt great...but I love cheese.  I literally cannot live without cheese.  I found a substitute, it was good, but if I kept buying it kiss one of my kids savings accounts goodbye, it's that expensive.  So back on the cheese.  

I honestly could keep going, but I like the length of this (that's what she said) blog.  Not too long, definitely not too short.  If you have any funny observations, feel free to share.  Until next time.

Jeff Kleeman