Stop! There's a Movie On!

I may have gotten lazy last week and waited to release this blog a good 4 days late!  Also the podcast is coming, ran in to some trouble that only this man could help me with!



Thanks Ras!  Computer expert, funny guy, straight shooter...that's Eric Rasmussen. 

So the blog is an easy one this week, and it couldn't have come out at a better time...post Oscars. 

Every Sunday I generally like to lay around (except for yesterday, super busy), and when I lay around my favorite thing to do...besides eating an entire large pizza...is channel surf through movies.  I always enjoy the mystery of what is going to be on. 

The other day The Intern and The Internship were on back to back channels and my head exploded.  So we went and stopped on Jurassic Park. 



Now don't get me wrong, I'm a Sam Neill fanatic, but I never stop on Jurassic Park, or Jurassic Park 2...or 3...I'm not generally a lover of this franchise.  It's a great movie but if I'm flipping through and land on a movie, it's going to be one of the following! 

The Goonies

There is no better movie that shows the torturing of a young child than this one:



It's so good!  Reasons to stop on this are:

- the soundtrack, the Cyndi Lauper song is amazing...oh a link?  Sure!

- the fact that Josh Brolin is still in things makes me laugh
- the pizza place that Chunk is at in the beginning?  Oh, I'VE BEEN THERE!
- just a classic 1980's feel good movie. 

Space Jam

I don't need a gif or a meme to explain why this movie is on my list.  Because it's awful, but it's good awful. 

The game makes no sense.  The acting is awful.  The NBA stars selected all make sense for that time...except Shawn Bradley who shouldn't be in it. 

But it's all great, does that make sense?  No?  Okay, so it takes me to a time in my childhood when I loved all things NBA and Michael Jordan. The NBA in the 90's was the best.  So many memorable players, among them the greatest player in NBA history in Michael Jordan.  It's kinda funny.  Lola Bunny is uncomfortably attractive for a cartoon bunny...because she's clearly Natalie Dormer!



Oh and Bill Murray is in it!

That's your answer.  Next!

Batman



I've seen this movie probably 54 times in my life, maybe 55...who knows?  I just made that number up, but it's up there.  It's the best one out of the "original 4" and the second best one after The Dark Knight. 

I choose this over The Dark Knight because that movie is long as hell, and this one has Jack Nicholson hamming it up and a gloomy Michael Keaton, what's not to love?

Caddyshack

- classic Bill Murray
- hilarious television edits
- again, an amazing soundtrack
- Baby Ruth scene

I dislike Chevy Chase, he has 3 good movies, this is one of them.  * can anyone guess the other two!?

Dumb and Dumber

I first saw Dumb and Dumber in 7th grade.  Our school took us to it the night of our state capital trip to Pierre, SD (if you're not from South Dakota, hell even if you are, now you know the state capital). 

I don't think the adults thought this selection through, and every time I see this movie I laugh about how insane it was to take a bunch of 12 year old's to this movie.  Even edited you get to see a lot of the classic scenes.

Also, this was literally right before Jim Carrey lost his damn mind.  He was such a treasure!

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

I don't know why, but every time this is on, I stop. 

Brad Pitt is pretty funny in it, Vince Vaughn is great...Angelina...



Oh that's right, now it makes sense.  I'm team Angelina by the way, even after the divorce. 

It's a decent movie, I can sleep during it and wake up having felt I missed nothing.  It's a perfect Sunday movie experience. 

Talladega Nights

Our household loves Will Ferrell, even though he has some real crap movies from time to time.

He has so many classics: Old School, which almost made this list, Anchorman, Elf...but I chose this, why? 

Not sure.  But every time it's on, I stop.  It's super underrated.  Sacha Baron Cohen isn't annoying in it (his only good movie is Borat, unless you count Hugo). 

John C. Reilly is great. 



Michael Clarke Duncan (RIP) is great.  So I stop. 

The Incredibles

Pixar is taking over the world.  No crappy movies except for the Cars franchise...I SAID IT!

The Incredibles is my favorite of the bunch.  It's not super sad.  It won't make you cry (Wall-E, Coco, Up).  It doesn't have Tim Allen. 

I have this as my number one all time Pixar movie, in the parenthesis above you can figure out the top 4...with that being said, one less topic of conversation on the Rushmore Review podcast... coming soon!  I swear!

The Replacements

This blog could literally be 10 pages of amazing movies.  I clearly haven't listed all of them, the blog would be too long, and you're probably almost done.  So here's the BEST movie to stop on...



It's not a perfect movie.  There's a ton of flaws.  Orlando Jones is in it.  But if there isn't something about this movie every single damn time I'm flipping through where I think to myself, "I'm going to finish this, I don't even care." 

Keanu is always great, I don't care what anyone says.  Gene Hackman is one of my top 10 favorite actors ever.  The girl (Brooke Langton) in it...is no longer famous, unless you count when she was in Friday Night Lights for a few episodes.  Her casting always make me wonder if Ashley Judd was literally busy the couple of months it took to film this?

Back to the movie!  It's a fun little movie.  It doesn't involve too much thought.  There's football in it.  There's a classic John Madden/Pat Summerall scene that has them do play-by-play of the sex scene. 
It has Gene f'ing Hackman.  Heads or tails I'm done with this blog Gene?   I'm picking tails for yes.



I'm done! 

There are literally tons of movies to add to this.  I missed a lot (Tango & Cash, I'm so sorry!).  If I missed your favorite, or if you have any share, DO IT. 

Later on this week, hopefully that damn podcast will be going up.  Episode 2 is being taped tonight, the top 4 movie soundtracks of all time. 

The end of the week will have word associate with Brian Opp and I believe Aaron Pew is going to get me his list of the top 32 quarterbacks in the NFL, and we know that will be fun to read. 

Thanks for reading! 

Jeff Kleeman

I Have Poop On My Hands: Year One

Thanks for coming back!  This blog will detail everything I've learned about becoming a dad, and on the bottom of the page will be an important announcement about the Kleeman Report and something new that we're trying very soon.

It has been over a year now that I've been lucky enough to be the father of an amazing baby girl.  In that year I have learned a lot.  I've done a lot of things I never thought would be possible.  I've grown as a human being.  Also, I still somehow have my hair.

Still have hair.  Beck approved. 

The other day while changing my daughters diaper, I literally grabbed poop with my bare hand.  And while holding that poop I thought to myself, "This would make an amazing blog".  So here we are, the top things I've learned in the past year from being a parent.

- We'll start with the poop.  I was terrified of changing diapers before she came along.  But in all honesty, changing diapers isn't that bad.  There's been some truly crappy days (get it!?), but other than that there's worse (try getting boogers out, she avoids wipes like the plague).

But the main surprise out of year one.  I literally had to grab a poop off the floor.  And it was horrible.  And I've had to grab poop off of my clothes.  And out of her hair (don't ask).

I've also gotten the triple crown of diaper changes, in a car, on a boat, and in a bathroom on an airplane.  That's now on my resume btw.

- Toys.  Hundreds of hundreds of dollars worth of toys.  I've known for years kids would rather play with a box or bubble wrap, I never knew kids would throw all their toys away in a minute just to play with this:



Every remote control in the house has to be locked up...out of arms reach.  She reprogrammed our cable box.  She has almost put a parental lock on our television.  So either she's super tech savvy, or she really wants us to not watch TV.

And the things she finds.  So much danger averted daily.  Like every day (- Dustin Schempp).  My wife had a knife joke to add to this, but the thought is just so frightening that I'll gladly have my child lock me out of my television before she gets close to anything more dangerous.

- My baby could star in the remake of The Rock.  I'll be Sean Connery, she'll be Nicolas Cage, but not creepy and a better actor.



We'll get Ed Harris for the sequel, because Ed Harris rules.



We can set up any blockade.  Any barrier.  Anything.  My daughter will somehow get out of it.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to start training her to break in to a bank vault and see what she can get.  It'd be just my luck though that she'd come out with a remote control.




- for you parents out there.  Remember sleeping in?  Newsflash, there's not much sleep with being a parent.  I was ready for it, but I wasn't prepared.  Does that make sense?  I knew there'd be no sleep, and I was fine staying up late, but I was surprised how not fine I was to wake up after 30 minutes to 2 hours of sleep.  It was a lot to get used to.

Side effect of that?  I can now match The Rock on his schedule (google it, it's insane).  That dude wakes up at 4 am to work out and start his day (glaring difference, our workouts are 100x different).  I can now survive off of about any amount of sleep, if you see me on the regular you'll for sure hear me complain about it, because it sucks, but I can do it.  And that's half the battle.

- freaking television commercials where a child ages in front of your eyes.  Then it shows the dad at the end all proud...I now HATE those commercials.  Not because they are bad, but...well Bojack will explain:



Those damn commercials just tug at my heartstrings.  And if there's a TV show or movie and it deals with a kid, specifically a daughter, get outta here!  I get super angry and invested.  I've now watched the movie Taken 35 times this year, for training.



- I have aged.  I think?  Not as well as Matt Damon did surely...



Literally one morning after a long night, I looked in the mirror and was like, "Damn, I look old!".  Which comes with the territory of being in your mid-30's, but still...it's happening.  My theory pre-child was right on the money.  I went to my 10 year high school reunion in 2010 (Class of 2000!).

I looked around, and no offense to those of you who read this and had kids at that time....but I thought, "Holy crap, some people look old as s**t".  Now keep in mind, at that time I was a party going, energetic 28 years old.  I was single at the time (I think?), no child, could sleep in whenever, could go on a brisk jog whenever.  Fast forward 8 years later, and I'm now one of you.

Could be worse though, I could be a single 35 year old....and that'd just be embarrassing. (that one is probably more offensive than looking old at 28...damned if I do, damned if I don't...)

- Quick, what's the hardest thing about being a parent?  Any guesses!?

It's this:



They don't stay on.  Or one is always lost or missing after laundry.  Or she tries eating them.  Just something about these make them my krytonite.

Which is the ultimate irony, because if you know me, I have one of 3 collections (you have to collect things when you're older to stay young I think?)

- classic NES games (I have 21 to go, hit me up if you have any!)

Not my actual collection

- 1990's WWF Hasbro figures (not ashamed)

Not my actual collection

- socks...tons and tons of socks (picture not needed, visit my Instagram if you want to see them at: https://www.instagram.com/jeffkleeman/ 

For all the socks she loses, I will now purchase 2 pairs...it's only fair...and my wife just gave me a look.  Never mind on the sock purchases!

-  Finally, other parents.  Every version of me, Jeff Kleeman, has judged parents.  I judge everybody, it's just what I do.  I'm a people watcher, and I love analyzing everything to death, so of course I always thought most parents were just awful, or crappy.  Oh, your kid is screaming in the middle of the store?  Quiet that kid down!

Now I get it...half the time.  Now you can call me crazy for saying this, but kids have a mind of their own!  They do!  So now I can relate to the parent trying to calm their kid down from a meltdown.  Or running all over the place after your kid.  Or parents getting to a family gathering and handing their kids off and dong whatever, you need a break, again...I get it!

That being said, the other half of parents still suck.  Some people don't discipline their kids.  Or help them learn and be better people.  And that's disappointing, because those kids will grow up to do the same.  But that's a whole other blog (tentatively titled: 98% of All People Suck, Here's Why!).

So thank you for reading!  If anybody has anything to add, feel free to post in the comment section on Facebook or right here on this very blog!  Thank you all for reading!

Jeff Kleeman

ANNOUNCEMENT:  

I am very glad to announce that my hilarious cousin/brother Brad Simons and I will be starting a podcast very shortly called Rushmore Review.



We will be reviewing pop culture topics, one per week, and doing a top 4 each...our own personal Mount Rushmore if you will.

Also, I will be making a Facebook page for Kleeman Report shortly, which hopefully you all will join.  I will post the blog and podcast links there, as well as some "classic" reports from the past.

Thanks to everyone for reading, and very shortly, listening.  And if anybody knows Argo corn starch people, we are very interested in them as a sponsor.

Until next time!

10 of 2017

I'm back!  With friends!




So the new tradition of doing a top music list at the end of the year has grown, in people and in songs!  This year three of us (Kleeman, Ras, Opp) will be picking the top 10 (no longer 5!) songs of the year.  This is an easy blog, so let's just get down to business, shall we?

Let's start with the new addition:

Opp: 



10: Camila Cabello - Havana

9: Bruno Mars - That's What I Like

8: Post Malone - Rockstar

7: Beck - Up All Night

6: Portugal, the Man - Live in the Moment

5: Khalid - Young, Dumb and Broke

4: Spoon - Hot Thoughts

3: AJR - Weak

2: Post Malone - Congratulations

1: The Killers - The Man

Ras:



10: Pop Evil - Waking Lions

9: THEORY - Rx

8: Thrice - Hurricane

7: Nothing but Thieves - Amsterdam

6: Bobaflex - Say What You Will

5: Don Broco - T-Shirt Song

4: Nothing More - Go To War

3: In This Moment - Roots

2: Foo Fighters - Run

1: Stone Sour - Fabuless

Kleeman:



Since it's my list, I get to explain why I picked the following songs.  I also get to start with an honorable mention of the BEST pop song this year!!!!

HONORABLE MENTION: Charlie Puth - Attention

- it's the best mainstream pop song of 2017, I stand by that statement.  Every time it's on, I'm just gonna keep it on the station, I have no shame.  

10: Lorde - Homemade Dynamite

- My favorite Lorde song since Tennis Court.  She's super talented, and I have a crush on her, there...I said it.  

9: St. Vincent - Los Ageless

- Great song by a great artist.  Underrated. 

8: Kendrick Lamar - HUMBLE

- The best rapper out right now...and he doesn't have much competition anyway.  A classic. 

7: Beck - No Distraction

- I was so glad Beck came back this year with a poppy/happy album.  My favorite artist of all time, with 2 songs on this list.  

6: M83 - Walkway Blues

- I heard this at Beck and instantly Shazamed it, you seeing this producers of Shazam?!  Pick me!  Great song regardless.  

5: Childish Gambino - Redbone

- This song is my alarm, I wake up to it every day.  It's that good I'm not even tired of it.  

4: Portugal, the Man - Feel It Still

- The biggest surprise in music was this band getting huge, and this song was the catalyst for that. 

3: Michael Kiwanuka - Cold Little Heart

- Did you see Big Little Lies?  This is how I first discovered this song, and I'm glad I did.  He has more great songs, look him up.  

2: Beck - Colors

- Beck's best song in years.  I listened to this 3-4 times in a row when I first heard it.  

1: The Killers - The Man

- This made number one on two separate lists.  I'm glad the Killers have a good song again after 10 years.  I said it, sorry Brandon.  

And that's it!  The 10 favorite songs of 3 people who know music.  If you're interested in next year, maybe I'll add one more...maybe.  Thanks for reading and look out for my last blog of the year...where I meet myself, Jeff Kleeman, from 10 years ago.

Jeff

Facebook Trending

Hello!!!  Before we begin, a quick update on my show pitch to Jeff Kleeman.  1 out of 2 Jeff Kleeman's LOVE the idea.  Keep checking back for more updates. 

So if you've been on Facebook the past week, you've seen the newest and COOLEST trend.  Black and white pictures of...stuff.  Why?  Now that's a great question.  When I first started seeing it, I thought, "I'm indifferent".  But now when I see them, well, here's a black and white picture to show you what I think...



It's just another thing.  There was the ice bucket challenge, there were minions, there was actual #fakenews being spread, then non-actual #fakenews being spread (which is real news), now it's black and white pictures of anything...what's next!?

Well we're going to answer that for you.  I have enlisted some of the top minds in my speed dial, (do I still use speed dial...yes?) and we are going to give you some options as to the next Facebook trend.... hell, we might even start one of them.  So sit back, enjoy, and feel free to share what you like, because let's make this about YOU, the reader...because that's what Facebook does.  Let's go!

Kid Rock in the Morning

Are you having trouble getting your day started, but want to find the accurate Kid Rock song to express it?  Seven days straight...Kid Rock.  Nothing better to get your day going.  Here is my personal selection:

 We'll only keep this as 7 days, because there is such a thing as too much Kid Rock...trust me. 

Tag a friend in a random picture of food, but don't tell them why!  Then have them do one of you!

This one has unlimited possibilities.  Here is my friend Dustin:



Hahahaha what!?  That'll have his head spinning.  I hope I get one of these, I just hope it's not lasagna!!!!

Do something good in real life and don't post it on Facebook



Just kidding, that's not...that's not a thing.  Speaking of Nicolas Cage...

Every day is Nicolas Cage day, but only when he's laughing...day!



I made the gif bigger here...to differentiate you see....I wasn't being lazy!  You're lazy!

Take a picture at a restaurant you hate, but be eating at that restaurant, then make people guess and whoever guesses has to do the same thing you just did!



This is my least favorite restaurant, but I go due to other people's decisions.  Can you guess it!?  You better be careful because then you'll have to post a picture yourself!

Added bonus, contributing money to society and to servers who rely on money for a living! 



Petition to bring back Mafia Wars!!!

This isn't a joke.  I really want them to bring back Mafia Wars.  Is that still a thing?  Are my stats saved!? 

Where are they!?!



Post something you really love about your current significant other on your exes wall, then, they can do the same to one of their exes!

I don't see anything bad coming out of this idea. 

Well, we have a nice start.  Seven amazing ideas here people.  Feel free to add any in the comments on Facebook, on this website, or by text message.  I'll be constantly updating this blog throughout the week, then who knows, we may start our own trend!? 

Thanks for reading! 

Jeff Kleeman

So Now What?

Ladies and gentleman...I did it.  I #foundbrokaw:



For those of you who have read this site since 2015 (thanks by the way!), my friends and I came up with an awesome concept called #findbrokaw.  The concept was I would put up 3 random pictures of Tom Brokaw around the campus of the University of South Dakota to promote my website/blog.  If you found the flyer, you got a prize (a shot...I'm not rich!).

The reason we chose Tom Brokaw is because he is the most famous alumni from the University of South Dakota, located in lovely Vermillion, SD!

***Editors note, it's not just Tom Brokaw who went here, but other luminaries such as:

Al Neuharth
Joe Foss
Derek Miles
Pat O' Brien
Bill Janklow

...okay, maybe not all winners.  But Brokaw is!  He shared my same college  (I was mass communication, him political science), shared my same passion (aimlessly going through college and somehow graduating), and then he got in to the career that he always pursued (alright, that we don't have in common...um, moving along!)!

Every year there is a homecoming gathering at my alma mater that we affectionately call Dakota Days, D Days for short.  So the thinking with the #findbrokaw idea (besides promoting my site) was to ultimately try to find the man himself, get a picture with him, and write about it on this blog.  Unfortunately, certain circumstances limited him to appearing here, so we just kind of used it as a fun hashtag, announcing the arrival, or a persons arrival, of Dakota Days.  He was never coming...



A few months ago, I got word from someone in the know that Tom Brokaw would be making a return to Vermillion aka the University of South Dakota.  Excited I told EVERYONE.  He'll be back at D Days! We will get a beer with him, FINALLY!!!  Yeah BROKAW!!!




But that wasn't in the cards.  Not D Days anyway, he was coming the NEXT week, hosting a public forum concerning Russia and United States relations.  I was down.  I saw a great forum, I got to see someone who thinks somewhat like me (I'm moderate, both political sides have a lot of improvement to make.  Two (of many) main things in my opinion, being influenced less by money and maybe seeing the point of view opposite of theirs...I would write a blog on that, but I already got enough angry texts about my Facebook post about kneeling, see previous blog).

The only negatives were the audience questions of course (go figure people like to hear themselves talk about their opinion on things, just go write a blog...like me!) and it was far too short.  But I met him!  I did it!!!  I #foundbrokaw

And then I felt empty...immediately.  Guys and girls...I found Brokaw!  I met him!  Years in the making, done in 3 seconds.  What do I do now?  I messaged my mentor, brought up some other "big" USD names to find.  It was a no from her, they aren't as interesting, I agreed.  Then the idea came to Jeff Kleeman...literally...Jeff Kleeman.



No no no!!!  Not me!!!  Well...kinda not me!  I'm talking about Hollywood producer Jeff Kleeman.



Jeff Kleeman is a Hollywood producer/really nice guy.  The reason I know both facts?  I have the same name as him...clearly.  Also, I have received emails from prospective actors and hopeful producers and writers for years.  It was kind of cool.  A guy from South Dakota getting emails related to big old Hollywood!?  Amazing.  So amazing in fact, I let him know about it, and he was nice enough to write me back.

Then I thought about my own career, been thinking a lot about it lately actually (oh crap, I'm opening up my real thoughts!).  I'm really not sure what to think of it actually.  I went to school to be an anchor/reporter on television (a reason I look up to Tom Brokaw), I didn't go that route due to a few reasons (money/location/horrible job interviews, looking at you KMEG).  Found some odd jobs.  Found a calling as a college advisor for years (seriously), only to have that end when I was employed by my alma mater of the University of South Dakota...of all places.  It took until this year to truly enjoy a job again (thanks John!) and then leave that job to be offered one in insurance (thanks again John!).

Writing and creativity have always been my strong suits, hence this blog.  But I'd love to get paid for it.  Will I?  Probably not, but I've had an idea for a series the last few years, and this is where the Jeff Kleeman idea comes in.  Now click the following song (and replace movie with show) and enjoy.

Here is my pitch, which I've sent to him before, but now I'll do it again in blog form.  Also this time I worked with a co-writer, my cousin Brad Simons (stand up comedian and part time comedy writer/cousin).  So here it is, here's the pitch!!!

The Beaten Path (working title)

Premise: A man in the mid-west who is working as a hack writer suddenly starts getting emails meant for a struggling Hollywood producer who just happens to have his same name.  On a bet from a friend, he starts replying to the emails.  Each decision he makes happens to be successful, setting up the Hollywood producer to unforeseen heights, the only problem is he has a rival who is wondering why he is having this success and sets out to find the reason why.  Boom.  The pitch.

The Cast:

So to give this pitch some life, I need to cast people you can see as the characters, to give this life.

Jeff Kleeman (midwest)

Seann William Scott, and a few reasons why.  This dude is talented and hasn't been in anything good (besides Goon) in years.  Also, I used to be called Stiffler in college, due to us having the same jaw structure (maybe?)... at least I hope that's the reason (I've never done any of the embarrassing things he did in the American Pie movies...I swear).

He's a guy you can root for and could do really well in the role...as me.



Jeff Kleeman (Hollywood)

For the role of producer I want someone not like the real life producer (he's nice!), I want someone who is both someone you can root for, but also someone who can play an ass who makes incredibly selfish decisions.  There is nobody more perfect for this than Jason Alexander.

This character is at the bottom of the barrel in Hollywood, then out of nowhere he starts to be successful and is struggling with why this is happening, but not telling anyone it's not him making these decisions.  He would be great.



Heather White (Hollywood producer foil of Jeff Kleeman/future love interest of midwest Jeff Kleeman)

Raechel Leigh Cook.  I want someone in their 30's who seemingly hasn't had plastic surgery.  Who is really pretty.  Also someone extremely talented who didn't get a shot after She's All That.  And she doesn't even have to wear glasses in this!

The character has to be kinda bitchy but with a redeeming quality, especially if she's the future love interest of one Jeff Kleeman.



Brad Simons (friend of Jeff/instigator of this all happening)

Jon Gabrus from Comedy Bang! Bang!  He is an up and coming comedian and would be amazing in this.  His character would be engaged, so a character arc for everyone involved!



Christy Abernathy (fiance of Brad)

Sasheer Zamata.  She was super underrated on Saturday Night Live and should be in something good post SNL.



Allyson Black (on-again/off-again girlfriend of midwest Jeff)

To round out the cast, my co-writer and I had one major disagreement.  Do we make the love interest the competing producer and have her be younger, then have Jeff's crappy girlfriend be some awful lady?  Or do we make the competing producer age appropriate, and have Jeff's crappy girlfriend be younger.

We went with the latter decision, and the best person for this, and my celeb crush (answer to my future blog for you loyal readers) is:



Milana Vayntrub.  You all know her from the AT&T commercials, but she's a legit funny person who was also in a few shows already (Silicon Valley, This Is Us).

Conclusion:

So what do I hope to get out of this!?  At best?  I get a "story by" credit for me, Jeff Kleeman!  I'll sit comfortably in South Dakota and leave the show to you professionals.  I'll just give you the story ideas and watch the money pile in.  Then I can use all my monies for my daughter and to finally go to Wrestlemania.

At middle best (is that a word?).  Someone steals this idea and it gets produced, and I know it was my idea, so in a way...kinda cool to have an idea stolen that's on TV.  It wouldn't be the first time I've come up with something cool that someone has used, and hopefully it won't be the last.

At worst?  I wrote a fun blog about my TV show idea, tag Jeff Kleeman on Facebook to get his attention, and get some hits out of the deal (well I just did that, so sort of a win).

But how do you pass on this amazing idea?  I don't think you can Jeff Kleeman...you're move!  I smell Emmy!



Goodbye #findbrokaw, you were great.  No hashtag needed on this new endeavor, I prefer pound signs anyway. 

Thanks for reading,

Jeff Kleeman - the mid-west one

PS Next weeks blog you may ask?  Oh man...you just wait.  Because I don't have an idea for one.  Feel free to text me with any (the hall pass one I'll literally have to pass on, forever.  Recent events, and future events, and it's in bad taste...so celeb crush is Milana Vayntrub who you can see above... the AT&T girl, take that Margot Robbie).

Viva! Las Baby!

So let's skip the "It's been a while since my last blog" stuff and get right to it.  This week you'll never even know I was gone, because I have THAT MUCH MATERIAL!  Finally!  First on the agenda... I brought my kid to Vegas and lived to tell about it!

I have now been to Vegas 4 times, 2 of the 3 times were drunken debaucheries (one boys trip, one bachelor/bachelorette Rat Pack party) that I'll forever remember.  One was a very relaxing trip with my girlfriend at the time, who now I'm lucky to say is my wife.  So I love Vegas, but a kid!?  What do you do with a three month old!?

What's that you say?  "Jeff, I saw The Hangover, having a baby in Vegas is hilarious and fun!"  Yeah, you're right, about half of the time it is.  So let's get in to a recap of my time with my wife and three month old child in Vegas.

Day 1

Babies first flight and....it oddly went damn near flawless.  The funny thing with kids and flying, it goes together like Kendall Jenner and Pepsi commercials, it's just a bad idea.



In my single days I would feel so bad for the parents who had the crying kid on a flight.  The kid doesn't know what's going on, so I can't blame him/her/gender fluid (lol, story later on that) for crying hysterically while embarrassed parents wait for it to be over.  So I was clearly expecting the worst.

Her very first flight though?  Not a peep.  Worked out great.  Layover in Denver, where we literally sprint from one end of the airport to the other to hit our connecting flight....we made it.  Still no crying.  We board the plane and wouldn't you know it, we're seated next to a douchy kid with headphones on who death glares us as we sit down.  The babies reaction?  A minor cry, but a massive poop has just transpired.  Totally inconveniencing the massive piece of crap who is sitting next to us.

So I change my first diaper on a plane, she's sliding everywhere, but we make it out without any crap or poop on us, sadly none to wipe accidentally on the ass sitting next to us.  God I hate that guy, and I will forever...

Also, I find it funny that my child and I had our first flights be to Vegas.  But I also find it funny that I was 24, and she wasn't even 3 months yet.  Silly.

Back to the story!

We land in Vegas!  Sin City!  We made it!  I am just amazed at how flawless this is going so far.  The only hang up, our amazing rental car, I can't find where to start the damn thing!?  OH MY GOD YOU START IT IN THE DASH!



Lincoln MKZ, you stole my heart.  And it's such a smooth ride!  Baby Zoe approved.



Some day, it will be mine.



So we drive to our resort, which actually isn't in Vegas, it's in the criminally underrated town of Henderson, NV.  We stayed at the Green Valley Ranch, which unlike most places I've stayed in Vegas, would love to go back to (sorry Luxor, you suck, Circus Circus was fine, and that weird house we stayed at, I still feel dirty):



I miss the pool already.  Speaking of which, let's get to Day 2!

Day 2

My wife has a conference, so it's just me and the baby, the first day is the entire day.  You read that correctly, it's just my baby and I.  At a casino.  For 8 hours.  What to do....

BUFFET.  POOL.  REPEAT.

But here's a tip.  Some people suck.  So you may be eating at a delicious buffet while your kid is sleeping in her car seat.  That won't stop old people from sneak attacking and trying to grab the stroller, moving it while going "OOHHHH CUTE BABY!"  Or people walking by and staring at you and your child.  Or people coming up to you for awkward conversation.

It's definitely the weirdest thing I've noticed with having a child...I was already very approachable, but now with the kid, it's a whole new world.  Also, and my wife agrees, it makes you more approachable to the opposite sex, which my friend Kyle said must appeal to a very specific demographic.

Also, back to the gender fluid comment from earlier, even if my child is wearing a bow, people will assume she is a boy.  It's the funniest thing ever.  I don't care, but I care.  So maybe strangers can try to say, nice baby or nice child.  Try to stay away from the assumptions ya jerks.

Random day 1 observations from Vegas:

- Fat Burger is one of the worst fast food burgers I've had, think Shake Shack without the amazing shake selection added in and grease staining my shoes.



I still have heartburn.

- CRAP WE FORGOT TO GET IN N OUT!  UGGGHHHHH!

- Pepsi is everywhere.  Every restaurant.  Every shop.  Couldn't find a Coke to save my life, and I'm quitting soda this week, so...thanks Vegas.

- Bring your baby to a pool in Vegas, order a drink thinking "Oh, the kid is doing great!"  Then as soon as the lady gets your drink, which takes forever in Vegas btw, your kid starts losing it.  Turns in to me downing a Shock Top and running to the hotel room.

- The most relieved I've ever been may be when my wife got out of the conference for the day.  I may have cried.  I'll admit it.

- Great sushi place there.  I found out my wife HATES oysters.  MORE FOR ME!

Let's get to day 3.

Day 3

Man do I want to gamble.  But you can't gamble with your child around you in Vegas.  You can here in South Dakota...I've seen it first hand!  Slot tourney in Deadwood, and this lady puffing a cigarette, while simultaneously holding her child and hitting buttons.  It was truly the third most impressive thing I've ever seen in my life (text me or write below what the first two are, if you are a friend of mine, you can probably name one of the top 2).

So since I can't gamble, I do the same exact thing as I did the day before hahahahaha.  Yeah.

BUFFET!  POOL!  REPEAT!

It's around this time I get one of those "I'm not from here tans/sunburns", then when you get back home to the mid-west during this time of year, someone always goes "Well it looks like someone got some SUN!?!?"  Always.  Happens.  Seriously.

Random observations from Day 3:

- Carmine's at Caesar's Palace is amazing.  It's this family Italian Restaurant.  But when you're a family of two adult human beings and one small child... we ate a good half of it and I was uncomfortable.  But great place to eat.

- Las Vegas is probably the easiest city I've ever had to drive in.  San Francisco clearly being the worst.  People were even polite on the road, it must've been the amazing Lincoln MKZ.

- The Forum shops are awesome in Vegas.

- Really debated a jacket until I texted my buddy Dino.  He wasn't a fan.

- The strip is still amazing.  Just incredible.  I want to go back already.  Let's go to Day 4.

Day 4

Probably the hardest day with the kid.  I've been sick the past 2 weeks, just now getting over it actually.  I think she may have caught it.  Or the time difference was f'ing her up.  Regardless she was having a day.  So instead of the usual "oh cute babeeeeee!" responses, I was carting her back to the hotel room as fast as possible to people going "aaaawwwwwwwww" to her crying.

Hotel room morning on this one, but I did watch Cheaters all morning...so I had that going for me.

That afternoon when Heather (my awesome wife) finished up, I got to gamble.  Finally!!!!

Now I'm a roulette fiend.  I love playing it, so I went to the video roulette table and met some new "friends".  Some nice gentleman who were roulette "experts" and told me to go along for a ride with them on their roulette plans.  At the time I was up about 80 bucks off of 20, so I politely declined.  I also declined the weed they offered me...every single time.

After leaving my new friends, my wife and I visited the lovely mall of Henderson, before meeting my wife's awesome friend Frances for dinner that night.  Luckily, Frances's boyfriend really wanted to go gamble.  So part 2!!!  More roulette.  More winning.  I finally beat Vegas...better than my usual losing money there.  Not as good as my friend winning up to 4k off of $20, and definitely not as good/bad as my buddy getting up to about 18k off a $20 and then losing it all.

Random observations:

- We'll always remember Svetla.  The nice, older roulette lady.  Think of a hot older lady in a James Bond movie.

- I may have met Juicy J and didn't realize it at the mall.  Or at least his friend.  We had a good talk.

This was our final night in Vegas, sadly.  It always goes too quick.  So day 5 is more of.....

Day 5

Cheaters!  I watched so much Cheaters in the morning.  People are horrible, even on scripted "reality" shows.

While waiting for my wife I did one last loop around the awesome place we stayed at.  Got some delicious salmon bagels at a cafe, and had one last meltdown from my child.  The funny part of this was, it wasn't that bad with my kid.  She's awesome.  After this meltdown she went to sleep, and since we were leaving and it was windy as hell outside, I just stayed in, I'm lucky enough to go to Vegas for 4 days, so I can call this morning a wash.

Sure there were some things I couldn't do, like gamble non-stop or go to gentleman's clubs, but she basically saved me from wasting a lot of money.  And I know my wife loved having her there as well, cries and all.  But she's awesome.  We even got this amazing poolside picture of her, see!



The flight back went great.  She didn't cry for more than a few seconds on either of the flights.  She actually fell asleep in the most uncomfortable looking position, but didn't make a peep.  We actually got complements from other passengers who were amazed at how quiet she was.  (I actually have never been glared at until I got back home the following day and some b death glared me at the grocery store.  I now have another enemy...that's now 9 people I'm enemies with in my entire life, feel free to text or list below if you think you can name the other 8)

So now, when we go to Chicago in two months, I am fully prepared for her to have a complete meltdown on the flights, and meltdown free on the trip itself.  Babies man, it's like they got a mind of their own.  But I'm looking forward to taking her to Wrigley and everywhere else she won't remember.

Thanks for reading.  I'm back!  Later this week will be which college and NFL team have the worst fans?  If it's anything like my Facebook status about that topic, it will be quite the read.  The easy answer is...everyone but your team.

Thanks again!  'Til net time.

Jeff Kleeman