Parenting 101...Questions

When I came up with the idea for this blog, the name Parenting 101...Questions popped in my head and I loved it.  But then I started to wonder, "Are there 101 questions I have about parenting?".  No, not really.  When I sat down pen to paper (fingers to keyboard, you know what I mean) I compiled a list, could I get to 28?  45?  69!?  (Hahaha, see what I did there?).  

No, I couldn't get there, but I do have a few questions that are on my mind, let's begin with...

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS AN EVENT INVOLVING ASKING FOR MONEY!?

Okay, I know why, because the education system is broke and they need money.  But holy...let's say cow.  My son is in preschool, my daughter just started kindergarten.  Fundraiser central.  Want to come to the fair and get food?  Hell yeah I do, but you gotta buy the raffle tickets and the food and whatever else comes up.

Want to go to an event at a preschool and get free food but pay money to watch Sing which you've seen 38 times?  Hell yeah I do!  Sing and Sing 2 have the best replay value for a movie since Moana, BUT now it's starting to add up.  

Coming up we have a food fundraiser (which is good, people should eat) and a running fundraiser (also good, people should run) and don't even get me started on political campaigns and kids coming to my door asking me to buy food.  OF COURSE I'LL BUY YOUR FOOD!  I'm the skinniest fat kid ever, give me higher cholesterol. 

Before I know it, I'm going to be having a fundraiser called "The Fundraiser to Fund the Raisers".  I will play some records, I will rap the Humpty Dance with or without Alex and Dustin beat boxing and set up a beer pong tourney to...wait...okay the records and beer pong tourney sounds like a good idea.  I better bring this up to the HOA WHICH I ALSO PAY MONEY FOR!

Back to music.  When dropping off your kids, what do you listen to?  Do you have it on talk radio or a podcast? Maybe an annoying morning show?  Me?  I'm listening to my mixes.  It can be whatever any time of day, but the real concern is I better have my window rolled up because, my bad, Ice Cube was asking, very politely as a matter of fact, you can do it, put your ass in to it.  

First off Mr. Cube, for me no, not this morning.  But it is funny getting to my 40's and our oldies are Cube, 2Pac, Dre, Korn, Metallica...I might have to stick to sports radio, but I can't handle sports after a 49'ers loss because I'm apparently a fucking child with sports.

Speaking of children!  How come when they find a toy they both haven't seen since pre-covid (somehow 40 years ago) they have to argue over it.  There was a stuffy of a dog that honestly was on the chopping block (neutering block I guess?) for toys, they both spotted it and boom, fireworks.  Anger.  Tears.  Two seconds of that random quiet when you think they fixed it themselves and then, oh wait, no wait, they were kidding.  

I grew up an only child, so all of this is new to me.  I had my cousin Brad, my cousin/brother (crother?  brousin?  It's brousin isn't it?) which we had arguments, we still do, but like, it's funny.  Then we're back to normal, my kids eventually get there, but the arguments over, and I can't emphasize this enough, the stupidest shit, will remain at least until college time.

*kids if you find this blog in 2042, I love you both, I hope you two are just crushing it and climate change hasn't quite taken effect and not to get too political, but I hope to god I stop hearing about one piece of shit ex-president daily by at least 2025...but somehow I doubt it.  Oh, and give dad and mom a call!  - Jeff in 2042

Finally, the terrible 2's aren't a thing.  That's some stupid phrase Dr. Spock or whoever else came up with in the olden times for those god awful parenting books that they made bank on.  The only Dr. Spock anyone should listen to told me to live long and prosper, which again if these kids keep selling me food my cholesterol will not agree with that phrase.  

The 3's are the crazy age...at least til puberty hits I'm guessing.  Our daughter had her craziness at 3 and currently it's our sons turn.  It's the age they can have a conversation with you and say "I love you" one minute and the next say "I'm going to eat your face!", which has happened!  He also discovered how funny the words Poopy and Butt are next to each other which clearly he's a comic genius, poopybutt, I'm laughing just typing it.

Unfortunately you can't say those words in unison or you will get talked to every...single...day...you pick him up.  At least he's not saying god awful things like the f word and How 'Bout them Cowboys.  Now we just have to conquer poopy butt and him crying uncontrollably when we leave a room for "insert 3 year old gymnastics/swimming/anything else class" and we will be good to go!

Well I for one am really glad I didn't attempt to do 101 questions, I kept some of the gold though which I'll share below because they were legit questions that I need to know

- What happened to Josh Hartnett and the guy from Friday Night Lights?  Weren't they supposed to be movie stars!?

- Is new music good?  IS IT!?  

- Underrated show, Brooklyn Nine Nine, I'm watching it now.  But here's the question, it expires on Hulu to go on another streaming service soon so I'm binge watching like mad, but why are there so many streaming services!?  This household alone has: Netflix, Peacock, Disney, Hulu, Amazon, ESPN, HBO, Paramount...WHERE DOES IT END?

- Also why does everything have to have a +!?  Just do a different name...gaaaahhhhhhh.

- Seriously Josh Hartnett was in some good stuff, like seriously what the hell happened?

The rest of the questions were basically things every parent asks, more Hartnett questions (Seriously!?) and how there are no original ideas for TV shows since the 80's....which will be my next blog.  

Thanks for reading as always!

Jeff

Kid Drop Offs or Why Everyone is Horrible and Can't Drive

 This fall has been quite the exciting time!  Our daughter just started kindergarten, while our son just moved to a new preschool.  With those two things comes all the activities, the driving, the cussing, the anger, the happiness we're leaving the activity, the "wow you did great!", with the next sentence being "I can't believe that car almost hit that kid, what the fuck did they just learn how to drive!?". 

This morning I dropped my kids off and here's what happened.  The awkward meet up at a door where another parent holds the door open for you, so my daughter goes to get the door and my son is behind and a door hits him in the face.  Then of course dropping my son off to his door while we're on a time limit to get to kindergarten on time, while we're waiting for another parent who won't stop talking to my kids teacher about nothing of importance, while I wait to ask a question to the teacher about my son using the term "poopy butt" too much.

Then leaving and instantly getting cut off by a parent as I'm trying to leave, who then cuts another person off and honks at them.  THEN we get to preschool and I walk my daughter to the door, making awkward conversation with someone I've met twice about Sonic the Hedgehog when my daughter has a question, but a dad I just met gets in between us and starts talking to me because he also wants to discuss Sonic the Hedgehog.  

The mornings get a little hectic these days, but hey I got a blog idea out of it.  Here are the different type of parents you will experience each day, one of them could be you!

Mom Trying Too Hard to Be Hot...Mom

I get it and clearly we all love when you show up, but we're old now.  If you gotta get super hot at 7 in the morning, more power to you, but I'm showing up to drop my kids off in neon shorts and a Space Jam t-shirt, PROBABLY while wearing a mismatched hat to hide my bed hair.  

If your job requires getting dressed up, that's fine, pick the month and usually my job does too.  But I'm far less shallow now, I'm more likely to think you're just as cool if you show up in a Spice Girls t-shirt and mismatched sandals (SHOUT OUT TO MY NEW DROP OFF FRIEND WHO DID ONE OF THOSE TODAY!).

The Cool Dad

I think I'm a cool dad, but not this type of cool dad, because I have humility.  This is the dad that always has those Mark McGwire sunglasses on or a polo/dress shirt where it's a solid color, but the collar is always white, below, two photo examples:

The kind of dad who when the kid falls you laugh at them and tell them to stop being a, we'll say wussy.  And somehow they are always smirking.  No reason to smirk so early in the morning.  Or at night after a long day.  Actually adulthood should have zero smirking.

The Talks Too Much Parent

Earlier the parent who butt in wanting to tell me something, which was 100% okay and I like new friends, but wait a second because I want to hear what my daughter has to say.  Ever get in one of those conversations and they won't stop talking?  I know when this happens because I am guilty of this 25% of the time, I am 1/4 The Talks Too Much Parent.  But I also can read a room, so when I'm done with the story I must blurt out, I switch gears.

But the ones who can't read a room and you're talking to someone about North Dakota while you are just dropping off your kid, we gotta not do that.  (This is 100% a conversation that happened and unless you're talking the movie Fargo or maybe how good NDSU football and Trey Lance are, nobody should ever talk about the 4th worst state in the country).

The Talks to Everyone Parent 

This is 3/4 me.  I will attempt to talk to anyone, including the Real Quiet Parent.  I moved to Lincoln 2 years ago and I would like to make some more friends.  Is that a crime!?  Is the best place to do it in the morning of a very stressful day when you drop off your kids?  I'll ignore that answer because I'm trying anyway.

But I like a good chat in the morning, working from home for essentially two years has made me miss social interaction.  So if I am that annoying parent, and I am, just politely nod and I'll stop...after getting my question out of the way, because I 1/4th talk too much...arguably more.

Also I'll use this as a parents friends ad, but you, yes you, if you like music and going to movies and going to bed by 10-10:30 PM but still like to drink do I have a couple for you!  Also, if you are knowledgeable on 90's hip hop and professional wrestling, I'm just saying, we're available.  

The Real Quiet Parent

I respect you.  I like that you just show up, you stand and nod.  If someone talks to you, you have a one sentence response, if not one word.  You walk away mid conversation, sure that hurts my feelings, but I 100% get it.  I always get along with the silent people because I can do the talking for the both of us.  I also wonder how your home interactions are?  Not in a negative way.  But in a "Does your kid talk?" kind of way.  Moving on!

The I'm Always Late Parent But Don't Care

You pull out and see the parent blaring some soft rock, maybe Evanescence.  Or Pink.  Okay it's both at the same time.  Or if it's the dad it's Drake.  But they are always late because they are horrible with time.  I can't even describe what they look like because the only look that describes them is late, but I'm sure they are holding a coffee from Scooters or Starbucks that if they just did that after they picked up their kids, they would 100% be on time.

The I'm Always Late Parent But I Do Care, But I'm Always Late Anyway

This parent has a cup of coffee left over from yesterday while she is holding today's coffee.  While yelling at her kids to hurry up because they are late.  But this person is usually nice 80% of the time, they just decided to have maybe 3 kids too many.  Always in a mini van.  So in a hurry.  Usually the type to say as they are running away, "Sorry I'd talk but I gotta run!" but saying it to nobody in particular.

The We're Friends, But Only With Each Other Parents

If I was still in Vermillion, I would probably be this parent.  But in Lincoln I don't know as many people, so it's usually a mixture of the cool dad, the hot mom and the talker parent.  I want to be the talker parent!  Get me in there!  Put me in coach, I'm ready to play!  

Usually talking about what their kid did this weekend, usually named Spencer or Bryce or Madeline or whatever, but always misspelled.  So it's Spensur, Brise and Medlynnnnnnn.  Maybe I don't want to be friends with them.  Back to the bench!

The Bitch

This morning I had another story.  I've crossed paths with this person maybe 4-5 times now because she likes to park in the exact same area that I do.  Super selfish bitch.  I had to go, but she keeps the door open so I can't reverse, with no regard for hurrying or being polite.  Closes door, looks at you annoyed, then takes forever to get in her car.  Super selfish bitch.  Then because I was polite and waited, why not have her pull out in front of me?  Makes sense.  

Usually cuts in front of people...and cars...on the walk to class.  95% chance kid grows up to do this.  I hate her.

There's a few more I can probably discuss here, but I think I got the gist!  A quick run downs of the ones I don't want to go in-depth on, in no particular order:

- the bad parent

- the I'm on the phone parent

- the I'm on speaker phone parent for absolutely no reason

- the apologetic parent who has a shitty kid

And we did it!  More blogs to come and the book is in the finishing stages of editing, so I should be ready to have it up by the end of October.  If you're reading this, you  might be in it, so I'll be asking for permission for the pictures in the middle of the book part of the book shortly.  

Have a great Wednesday!

Jeff

Burying the Past: Last Book Teaser

 

I have done it!  I finished my book.  I'm now editing to make sure it grammatically looks good.  I'm also adding things I may have missed, especially from the Rat Pack Party chapter.   Then all I have to do is do a Cast of Characters and we're good to go.  This took a year to finish, but I did it.  Below are a few entries from the book.  I hope it's enough to entice you to buy it because clearly my only motivation for finishing this is money and to sell it for millions of dollars.  

This entry is from the nicknames chapter, We have encountered a lot of very interesting people throughout the years, here's one that I still enjoy discussing:

Snowboard Guitar Guy

Telling this story as an adult is always fun.  It’s one of my go to’s for the absurdity of it.  We were having a party when I was alerted there was an older man outside on my deck drinking.  So I went outside to see what the hubbub was about.  

It was a man who was homeless talking with people outside who were smoking.  I had nothing against that.  So I started to talk to him, I found out from him that his one source of income was by nude modeling at the art school.  He had wanted to patent an invention where you could have a snowboard that also played guitar.  As you got down to the bottom of the hill, when you were done snowboarding you could immediately shred on your guitar and play some tunes.  

Smash wanted him to come inside my home and hangout, but I was very hesitant, so I didn’t let him in the house.  She was furious at me.  So he stayed outside the rest of the night, talking with whomever and we never saw him again.  I often wonder if he got to live his dream or what happened to him?  

The Mermaid

She was brought up earlier in the book.  She had joined us for an H-Worth Open event and left the next day before our 6th Rat Pack Party.  I had found out she had an ex-husband she didn’t tell me about from Stein.  

There was always something weird with her, she was very nice, but there was a weird rule.  She was reading an advice book from Steve Harvey of all people.  In the book, he said couples who start dating shouldn’t have sex for 60 days.  That way the relationship wouldn’t have any complications from having sex.  So I got cock blocked by Steve Harvey.  We also had a double date, playing Family Feud of all things, with Julia and her boyfriend Drummer.  I went to get a beer with Julia and she swears Mermaid was hitting on Drummer, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO!  

A few weeks later we went to a place in Chamberlain, SD to go camping.  After I saw either a ghost or a dead body (Google it, there’s reportedly a ghost in that river and I’m convinced it was one of those two), we had a conversation about relationships.  Her parents and family had come to join us, they were quite nice actually.  So I told her I liked her family, she told me it was moving too fast.  She wanted to take a break, which was a perfect thing to say before going to bed in a tent and possibly seeing a dead body or a ghost.  

I woke up that morning and went home.  We didn’t talk for a week as she went on a vacation with her family.  When she got back she called me, which was weird because we lived in the same apartment, she was literally right under my floor.  But she called at the worst possible time.  LeBron James was going to say where he was going to play basketball.  Was he to stay in Cleveland?  Was he going to Miami?  Did Jeff see a ghost or a dead body?!  Nobody knew!  

So while she told me we were done on the phone I asked her if she could pause for a second, as Dark Honey was in the other room screaming, LeBron had chosen Miami.  Wow.  Incredible.  Oh, and I was single again.  She eventually wanted to get back together, but that was too much crazy for me.  

Also a subtle hint to her name, Simo would call her REO Speedwagon, which dammit I should’ve named her entry that!  

I was going to share a story about how a party of ours was started called Jock Jams, but I had too much controversy this week with Facebook posts, so I"ll post about one of the jobs I had in my younger years.

Sioux Falls Skyforce

I love basketball, I suck at it, but I love it.  90’s basketball got me through a lot growing up.  I loved video game basketball, NBA Jam, Michael Jordan and the Bulls, nobody I know can beat me at NBA Live ’95 or ’96, fact.  

So when I graduated and an internship with the Sioux Falls Skyforce came up I jumped at the opportunity.  They are a minor league affiliate, at the time for the Minnesota Timberwolves, for the NBA and one of the most successful franchises in “minor league” basketball.  

My job was to do promotions and be one of those people you see go out during timeouts or breaks in the action and shoot t-shirts into the crowd or throw balls.  It honestly was a fun gig; it was just really time consuming at nights and holidays and you didn’t get paid anything.

My thinking was, I would work there and maybe end up finding a job with an NBA team.  My cousin had worked with the Sioux Falls Stampede, then with the Magic and I thought that sounded fun.  Maybe I’ll get into promotions with an NBA squad?  

No, not meant to be and not an easy career to get into.  I did get some perks like free tickets and food which was nice.  Ironically the girl I was going to live with in Sioux Falls was a cheerleader for the Skyforce, she was the only nice cheerleader.  In fact, besides the front office, even the players were jerks.  I bumped into one very tall player at a bar and went up to him, introduced myself and said, “hey I guess we’re kind of coworkers huh!?”.  He looked at me with no facial expression, “Fuck no!”.  And walked away.  

One of my last nights is one of the most embarrassing stories of my life.  I became the main partner of the mascot; I think his name was Thunder.  I would assist him with whatever he needed cuz his hands were mascot paws.  The most rewarding part of the job was helping special needs kids and getting them prizes every game.  It truly was awesome, and I loved it every time.  Except one night. 

It was Christmas so it was a packed house.  At the time I was dating McQ, and I had gotten her parents some free tickets to the game.  I was feeling super cool and went to go help Thunder deliver a ball to a special needs kid.  I got a little too amped up and instead of a bounce pass I did an overhead pass, but it slipped out of my hands.  I can still hear the “oooooooh” of the crowd as Thunder THANKFULLY caught the ball inches from this poor kid’s head.  He handed the kid the ball, he was thankfully oblivious.  I went and hid behind the hoop, embarrassed beyond belief.  

Ever had a mascot look at you in complete disbelief?  I have.  That was brutal.  I was done shortly after, by choice, nobody besides the mascot even knew what had happened.  But I felt so bad.  Thunder, if you’re reading this, I owe you one buddy. 

Rating: 3/5

Thanks for reading!  I hope this was enough to entice you to get the book when it's complete.  Have a great weekend. 

Jeff Kleeman

One Crazy Summer

 

Did I lift the title from the underrated John Cusack/Demi Moore classic from the 80's!?  Yes!  For a dude that turned 40 this year, I have had one insanely weird summer.  

Is it job related?  Yes, when isn't it job related?  I'll tell that story some other time though, there's more important things to discuss than that.  I write my kids an email roughly every quarter, all the happenings of their life, mine and Heather's and the world.  The idea to write a blog about this summer came to me as I was typing "and then I had a vasectomy".  

So far this summer I have:

- as I said above, I had a vasectomy.  I recommend it to all that are debating getting one.  I had a great doctor, there is a great story though.  I had it scheduled for June, the day before the appointment I get a call from a number I don't recognize.  It's the doctor, he cut his hand with a hedge trimmer.  The day before the appointment.  I'm not entirely terrified, but I am hesitant about the procedure.  It went fine, you're in pain for a few days.  Big tip, if you're a stomach sleeper, you're in for some awful sleep, as I can't sleep on my back for the life of me.  

Also with my luck, I was one of the 4% that had an issue after, but it was entirely fixable and I'm fine.  9/10 recommend getting one.

- we took a family vacation to Colorado that made me want to move to Colorado.  I say this with no hesitation.  If my wife got a job offer in Denver tomorrow I'd be packed up the next day ready to go.  We all loved Denver.  I always gave crap to my friend Amanda who is from there, she said it's the best place ever, yeah sure blah blah blah.  Damn it, if she wasn't right, it was an almost perfect family vacation.

We stopped through Kearney, NE on the way, then stayed at North Platte that night.  We had a blast at an arcade with the kids, then set off for Denver to do all the things you would do when you have kids in Denver.  Children's museum, aquarium, science museum and a Rockies game.  The food was great.  My best friend from grade school, Brady, lived there so our families got to meet.  Our good friend Corryn was randomly in town, so we bought $100 worth of pasta that we maybe only ate $8 worth.  They had cool shops that sell things that should be legal.  9.5/10.  Kids had a meltdown on the last day, which honestly, only one meltdown, screw it, 10/10.

- my amazing son turned 3 and my daughter graduated preschool, twice, in the same week.  My son got to have his 3rd birthday in Denver which was awesome.  He got pancakes and a song for breakfast.  A Rockies game where he got a stuffy he named Rocky.  And a great dinner with Brady and his family where he got a really awesome dessert.  The following week he had a party at a place with a bunch of padding and a zip line, he's awesome, he's worth it 10/10

The two graduations were literally back to back, as my daughter went to a daycare AND a preschool.  The daycare one was great considering it was put on by two teachers who announced that day they were quitting.  Noticeable gasps in the audience, but the manager of that place is garbage so I see why they quit.

The preschool I will recommend to any and all to have their kids in Lincoln go to.  It was great to see Zoe graduate and move on to the next chapter of school.  10/10

- had my 20th (22nd due to covid) high school reunion.  It went well!  I planned it with Brady, it was maybe discussed for 3 minutes when we met in Colorado and a lady named Kelsey who was the mayor of the town we lived in and a general rock star.  We got maybe 30-40 of our class to show up?  High estimate?  Not sure, but it was great to catch up with people, some I hadn't seen in almost 20 years.

If everything is on track, we will have our 25th reunion in literally 3 years, so that could be a thing, hopefully we get more people this time.  Things I learned that day:

1. McDonald's has a rule in that town where you can't order lunch until 11 AM.  I pulled up to the drive thru at 10:58 AM, so I had to drive around and wait to order.

2. Vermillion, SD has an awesome adult arcade that I wish was there when I lived there.  There is also one person who drives an Uber/Lyft in Vermillion and only does it when she feels like it. 

3.  The bar scene is almost exactly the same as when I was in college.  Pregame at a bar called Leo's, go dance at Char.  Older people hang at Carey's.  Pub is fine every now and then.  Varsity is for old people who like beer.  

4. Trying to fit everything into one night is impossible.  It was great to catch up with my class.  My friend group is also in Vermillion and I got to see them for roughly 10 minutes that night which put a damper at the end of the night.  There's more to the story, but it is what it is.  The reunion 9/10.  The damper 0/10.  

5. Vermillion has some crazy stories.  It was insane to come back and hear whatever town gossip was going on.  It was a nice reminder of one of the reasons we moved, I love the town but holy shit.  Also our old house, the person who bought it ruined all of the hard work of my landscaping. Drama stories 7/10.  Landscaping 1/10.

6. Special thanks to my aunt and uncle for watching the kids during Part 1 of the reunion.  They still talk about the farm, you two will be amazing grandparents.  Special thanks Part 2 to a last minute watching of our children by our friend Lindsey's kid.  Childcare 10/10

- my daughter had a super hero dance recital.  Heather was gone on a girls trip that was sadly planned during the exact weekend our daughter had a dance recital.  I learned how to do hair in a bun for this event.  I did not learn how to do makeup.  Special thanks to our children's doctor for coming to help and for my mom that assisted with eyebrows.  My daughter crushed it.  10/10

- saw some concerts because I missed the hell out of concerts.  Chrvches I hope to never have to spell ever again, but great band.  Third Eye Blind was also great, thanks to Pancheri for that hook up.  Coming up we have some debates on concerts, everything from Incubus to Ja Rule, hello 2002!

Chrvches: 8/10 they were great  Third Eye Blind 8.5/10  

- gotten a rough case of covid.  COVID SUCKED.  I woke up one night cold as hell, I thought it was because I was wearing a tank top of Stefon from SNL and I never wear tank tops.  So I put on a shirt and woke up drenched, thinking it was because I put on a shirt.  Then I had a headache.  And I was freezing again.  And I had that weird thing with your mouth when you get covid and...I got covid.  And it sucked.  That day was the hottest day of the summer and to get outside for a minute I watered the plants wearing a hoodie.  

It was a waiting game at that point as my wife was planning some sort of surprise party for me.  I had no idea where, I thought it was going to be to San Francisco to get a tour of Levi's Stadium.  That was what I settled on.  It was not, I'll get in to that next.

Each day I was getting better, luckily the 5th day was our trip.  In between was hectic.  Did we have my in-laws watch the kids?  Luckily they came, I masked the entire time they were here.  I also worked the entire time with covid, for the second time this year, since I worked from home it was doable, it was awful but doable.  What made it harder were covid regulations with daycare where a kid can't go if they are exposed SO I WORKED WHILE HAVING COVID WHILE WATCHING KIDS.  

To say the surprise trip was something I was very excited about was an understatement after how exhausted I was.  Also I had tickets to pro wrestling that I had to give away.  Anybody reading this knows how much that hurt me considering that week it came out Vince McMahon had given hush money to women he had affairs with and since he was an asshole who doesn't really care he actually appeared here in Lincoln.  Dammit.  I watched it on TV, it wasn't the same. 

Covid -1,000/10  Missing wrestling, same.  

- had a surprise 40th birthday party in Las Vegas.  My wife is a rock star.  I had no idea it was in Vegas or if any friends were coming.  Again, I thought it was going to be in San Francisco.  So when we got to the airport and randomly bumped in to Pancheri, I honestly thought nothing of that, the dude is in Vegas all the time.  So we made plans to get a dinner later.  Then I was gambling and all of a sudden David and Gina Coley walked out?  What?  So we sang Kelly Clarkson by a bar and I was stoked.  Then I saw Beach texted my wife.  Why on earth was Beach texting my wife?  OH HE WAS IN TOWN!?  No way!  And he brought Kelly!?  That's fantastic.

We had a great night at a lounge restaurant, where we somehow sat for 3 hours.  I also live to make Beach laugh at stupid shit, so I randomly tried moving people's candles on their tables as we left.  Epic fail on the 2nd one when I dropped it lol.  

The next day was a rented poolside spot at a very loud pool.  It was 100% awesome.  It was funny to see TIk Toker and Instagram people out in the wild doing selfies.  As I was standing there Brad randomly showed up, who played me like a rube.  He was playing it off that he wouldn't make it and I bought it hook, line and sinker. 

It was a great party and I'm very thankful for all of those who made it.  I also woke up that morning to everyone who couldn't make it texting me.  It was a mix of oh okay that's fine and oh so that's why you couldn't make it?  But I'm not gonna lie, if Craig had made it I would've lost my absolute shit and cried.  

That night we went on a really cool food tour that made all of us so full we couldn't finish the damn dessert, a regret I still live with.  

The final day of Vegas was super underrated.  We went to one of those sneaker stores that has literally every Jordan or cool shoe hanging up with saran wrap around it.  We also went to a candy store that had a bar and drank some candy themed drinks, something Brad and I have to do every time we're on a trip apparently, well that and have deviled eggs.  

We capped the night with some delicious sushi and then went to an awesome show that Brad got us tickets for.  We slept for approximately 2 hours and just like that, we were home.  I turned 40 that day we got back and I truly felt it. 

The surprise 10/10  My wife 10/10  The people who made it 10/10  Roe v Wade Civil Court Bullshit the first morning 0/10 

- my daughter started kindergarten and my son started preschool, making me oddly sentimental or emotional with turning 40 during the same summer.  Yup.  All of this.  We're very proud parents of our kids.  Our daughter already does piano, soccer, dance, swimming and she's embraced it all.  We'll never overwhelm or force her to do too much, so if she's done with any, yeah sure, but she is crushing all of that and then starting kindergarten?  Rock star.

Our son is in swimming, gymnastics and really wants to start soccer and I have an inkling he wants to be a drummer.  And now he is starting preschool and learning so much.  Rock star.  

I actually pulled them from their daycare at the end of June and had our awesome neighbors two girls watch them at my home while I worked.  I'm 100% glad I got the opportunity to hang with them all summer before such big events in their life.  Now they are off for their own crazy experiences and we can't wait to see all of it.  

My kids 10/10  This summer 10/10  The sudden realization that I'm 40 and got old seemingly overnight 8/10

- oh and I FINISHED MY BOOK!  The book is DONE.  I'm now going through looking for errors, tabulating each person that's in it for a "Cast of Characters" chapter and adding any missing stories I may have forgot about.  It should 100% be done by the end of September and I'm really hoping to get it on Amazon publishing by winter.  If you're reading this, there is a 75% chance you're in the book and a 99% chance you know at least a few of the stories.  

As a treat, since I get paid to write this blog now, thanks Google, I will drop one more teaser at the end of the week with two-three stories.  The creation of Jock Jams and The Mermaid seem good, the other will be a surprise, maybe how Pancheri saved Rat Pack?  We will see.  

Thanks for reading.

Jeff Kleeman

Burying the Past Preview: The Many Jobs of Jeff Kleeman

 

I have had...a few jobs in my life, specifically during my younger years.  Approximately 28.  I'm not even kidding.  In the book, Burying the Past, coming to you hopefully Fall of '22 (3 chapters left!) ...the job chapter is easily the longest and possibly the funniest.  

I thought I'd take 3 examples from the book to get my Blogger page some attention, tease another entry from the book AND get my writer's block outta commission so I can finish the book AND write about the past few months which have been CRAZY in my next blog.  Here's the last preview of Burying the Past that is somehow almost complete.  

* Quick note!  If you are reading this and have any suggestions for the book I may have missed, feel free to send them my way!  After I finish the final chapters, I'll hit the fun proof-reading stage!

Picture from best job ever @ the Char

USD Foundation

I somehow worked here THREE separate times!  This was fundraising for my school, but here’s the catch, I never was a student during any of my stints there.  Isn’t that crazy!?  The first time I had finished my freshman year and needed a job, I was taking the next fall off just to clear my mind.  That sounds like I did something important, but I basically figured out I needed to go back to college at USD and worked odd jobs…and drank, a lot.

The second time was the summer of 2005 where me, Dozen, Bear and Muzzle worked there and somehow afforded an entire summer off of that salary.  I’m not entirely sure how we survived working 4 hours a day at that time, but we did it and we drank…a lot. 

The third time I was taking online classes with another university, but I needed money and here we were.  I actually won homecoming king of the office with a girl named Katrina winning queen who was really cool, we all had a crush on her, but she had a fiancé who lived in New Orleans, so we all called her Hurricane…yeah, I know this isn’t funny and it has aged horribly. 

One regret from this job, I ended up calling a woman who told me her son worked for SNL and that I should contact him to try for an internship.  Clearly writing for SNL or the Simpson’s was a dream job of mine.  I wrote down his number and…. never called it.  I don’t know why to this day.  I ended up losing the number along the way, so if you know a USD graduate whose son works for SNL, I’m still interested in the internship if I can bring my wife and kids. 

Year later, before I met my wife, I had a dream I was dating Kristen Wiig and writing for SNL from meeting this guy.  It was the best dream I had in my life at that time, only to be woken up by Simo to go see our family.  I have a weird belief that dreams could be an alternate reality so maybe I called in some other life…

My time at the Foundation ended as I just stopped showing up, thinking my job was saved, it was not. 

Rating: 4/5 Job; 0/5 For never calling that number.

 

Basketball Referee

This is the weirdest entry on the list.  The fall of 2001 I had taken a break from school.  I needed some money, so I applied with the parks and rec department at USD to do odd jobs.  One of which was a basketball referee.  I love basketball, being a ref will be a breeze, right!? 

To add even more fun into this, my buddy Tick needed a job too, so I recommended him, and we were assigned to ref the only game that him or I will ever referee ever again.  It was two fraternities up against each other, I had no idea they took it incredibly seriously.  I was still in shy mode at this time, so I remember calling maybe one foul.  Tick didn’t call any.  We got yelled at the entire game, it could not have ended fast enough.  We literally had no clue what we were doing and I was surprised we even got these jobs. 

This guy I went to high school with, since then he’s become better, but I fucking hated him at that point, went off on me and Tick.  The next day we were changed to strictly scoreboard duty, the both of us.  We could not even do that correctly.  Reffing was not in the cards for us.

We were not asked to come back after scoreboard duty ever again. 

Rating: 2/5

Wedding DJ

Brief, but I did help Dark Honey get a job at this place and at least he did great!  I DJ’d two weddings.  The first wedding the people didn’t even dance and it was super hick, so I had to listen to country music for literally 3 hours and ruin my Saturday night by not getting tipped and not going out with my friends.

The second wedding was ALSO super hick, but the music was pro wrestling themed as he proposed at Wrestlemania, awesome right!?  During the garter ceremony they actually crotch chopped each other and screamed “Suck it!” which was made famous by pro wrestling stable Degeneration-X.  It’s hard to describe, it’s best to go YouTube this.  But it was another failure of a wedding, no tips and it completely took over a Saturday night.  Besides the crotch chops, I am thankful I got the idea for personal introductions for each member of our wedding party from this reception. 

One last wedding I DJ’d was for the sister of an actress.  This wasn’t for that company I’d previously worked for; Stone was asked to DJ the wedding, so he got me and Beast to help him out.  It was nice because another sister of the actress was my former roommate, and I hadn’t seen her forever and we got to talk briefly which was awesome!  It was nice to catch up to her, it wasn’t nice to look like a child because I had to wear a polo shirt for Stone’s DJ’ing company.  The only catch was it was an XXL, I’m a medium, I looked like a child.  Easily, the best part of the wedding was the actress yelling at us to “FUCKING PLAY VANILLA ICE NOW!” and then she stormed off with a very bewildered Beast going, “I guess we better play Ice, Ice Baby!?”.  Then we got paid in nothing but Taco John’s tacos for our work.

Rating: 3/5  Taco John’s Rating: Always 5/5

I think three examples is the right amount and these don't even scratch the surface of that chapter.  Thanks for reading!  

Jeff Kleeman

Burying the Past Teaser

I'm writing a book about all the stories from my life, and since I am INSANELY close to being done, I thought I would share a chapter on my blog.  I gotta gauge the recation of anybody who may want to purchase and/or read the book right!?

The book is called Burying the Past, when you read the whole thing, you'll get the gist.  The story below is about our dear friend Jorge.  I hope you enjoy and I really hope you like the book.  

* everyone's names, besides mine, have been changed in the book unless I got permission, for legal purposes yada yada yada, enjoy!

Jorge

I was going to do a comical take on writing about Jorge.  I was going to do a big write up as if he were real and then at the very end reveal that Jorge was in fact a beer bong, before going into his funeral…yes you read that right.  But writing it that way would be in awful taste, just like the kind of taste that came out of Jorge and into us.

Jorge came about one night by Beast and Murphy, who wanted to make a beer bong for all to enjoy.  He was named after a brachiosaurus toy that grows in the water, that they had as a pet.  Those are not meant to be pets as they are not real, living beings so it got a bit…disgusting.  So, this was the next best thing. 

You would never think that a beer bong would mean so much to so many.  Having literally a wife, Brooke, with two stepchildren in Young Boy and BV.  The day Jorge debuted is well documented, which was rare during late 2003 because there wasn’t Facebook.  There were no smart phones.  No Instagram.  It was incredible looking back on it.  What we did have was a digital camera.  Then after you took the pictures, you had to manually put them on a computer, then either put on a zip drive or CD and give to friends.  So barbaric!

That night is the second night I had ever blacked out.  The first being my 21^st birthday.  I had no idea the power a beer bong had, because I was really stupid, I believe I had 10 beer bongs that night.  The pictures are great, showing a bunch of young people having a good time with Jorge, living our best life.  From that point forward Jorge was a part of our family for more than a year.  Here are some amazing stories about Jorge during his all too brief time with us. 

We went to Sioux Falls, SD for an interesting night.  Our friend Bro Bro was at a party at his brother’s house, so he asked us to come up, so we brought Jorge and got at it.  We all got really drunk, but my friend Ben wanted to leave because there were no girls there, so the most sober had to drive…that was me.  The reason I drove you may ask?  Murphy and Ben fell asleep in the car smoking a cigarette, Murphy woke up to the cigarette burning his pants.  It was time to go. 

This was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, as I drove from Sioux Falls to Vermillion, which is roughly an hour.  On my drive there was not one single car the entire time.  It was the luckiest I had ever been…or so I thought.  I had made it home and went to sleep, while we were gone there was a party at my house, common theme.  I was awakened at 8 AM by Cowriter running in to my room.  “Where the hell is Jorge!?!?!”.  Oh my god, we had left him in Sioux Falls at the party.  I frantically called Bro Bro to make sure Jorge was okay, but it was so early he wasn’t going to answer.

LUCKILY, he was awake.  As he was driving to his hometown cross state.  In his hungover daze he responded, “Don’t worry, Jorge is with me.  He’s okay!”.  Thank.  God.  Jorge was safely delivered back a week later. 

Jorge had an amazing run for a beer bong.  Honestly, he was part of the family.  When we moved houses, he came with.  The next year of his life was at a house called the Double Barrel.  This house, and I’ll allude more to this later, was at the time the biggest party house on campus.  There was a party every night of the week, sometimes Sundays were taken off, more often than not they weren’t.  One brutal spring night, I was in my room making a mix CD for the party…that is actually something I did…and Cowriter and Bro Bro ran to my room (what is with Cowriter and Jorge?!).  Someone had stepped on Jorge.  He was dead.  I was FURIOUS.  I found the person who stepped on him and approached him.  “You fucking killed him!?”.  Clearly this college kid was very confused what I was talking about, as his only response was, “What?”.  Well, that riled me up even more and I kicked him out of my house.  He was gone. 

We tried to figure out if we could save him, but it was impossible.  The dipshit stepped right on the base of the funnel and cracked it.  So we did what any normal college kids would do, we threw a funeral. 

This is, out of all the stories I have, one of the funniest and one of the most bizarre.  So that week was interesting, trying to figure out the best way to honor Jorge and his memory.  So Murphy made a casket for Jorge, our roommate Stone embalmed him with Icehouse.  The casket was expertly crafted, and when Murphy’s dad walked in on him making the casket, he told his dad that it was a cabinet for his shoes.  I don’t think he bought it, but he didn’t ask any questions. 

Literally the same week we were put on noise probation because we had over 200 people at our house.  Beast was back from Europe, which ironically is the reason I started journaling all of our stories.  Our other friend, Bodyguard, had just joined the Navy, so we had a going away/welcome back party of massive proportions.  We had to do this funeral but be really sneaky about it and have a small gathering of people, or this time we’d get in deep shit.  

That week we made funeral preparations.  Skeet would be the priest and give a sermon.  We had speakers set up for speeches about what Jorge meant to us.  And we had a gigantic backyard, so we decided to bury him in the back next to a rock that was randomly in the middle of the yard. 

The morning of the funeral, we ran in to some issues, because who wouldn’t?  Stone was having reservations about Skeet’s sermon.  We had started to dig the hole next to the rock, but we noticed it just kept going, and going, and going.  This rock went into the depths of the earth, but it was too late so we dug out a little further to fit a casket.  It fit.  Now we decided to have service at 4 PM that day.  The reason for that?

We lived next door to a fucking church.  And this was a Saturday.  So, we thought the funeral would be done relatively quick, then we’d have a procession through town, go back and bury him, then show our respects.  We had 6 pallbearers; I was one of them.  It’s a very weird photo to see as an adult, that’s for sure. 

As the funeral began, church goers next door were starting to show up.  They showed up EARLY.  As Skeet finished his abbreviated sermon, it was time for Murphy to do a speech.  As he was giving his respects to Jorge, the beer bong, Murphy saw his parents walking into church.  His speech was cut short.  It was time for the procession. 

The funeral procession was one of the most insane moments of my life.  Muzzle drove a Bravada, a large black vehicle that fit himself and the pallbearers.  Because I’m short and skinny, I always sat “bitch” which was in the middle back of each vehicle.  Or in weird circumstances like this, I would sit in the VERY back of a vehicle, and there I was, sitting right next to Jorge in his casket. 

We started driving in a 4-5 car procession around town and I started to tear up.  I don’t know what happened, but the emotion overcame me when I looked in the car behind us.  It was Skeet driving, with Bear shotgun, dressed up.  I looked down at Jorge’s casket and it was just a very surreal moment for me.  We did a loop through town and, I shit you not, two cars joined in on our procession.  One was an old lady who probably had no idea what was happening.  I swear to this day she did the sign of the cross while we drove.  You and me both lady.  I actually, no joke, started to tear up in the back. 

The other car that joined I have no clue who it was, but as we got back to our home, we put Jorge down.  I threw in a letter and some pictures, and we buried him back in the ground.  He is still there to this day.  Skeet bought the house we lived at, so some day, we will get Jorge out of the ground.  The day was also turned in to a college movie that was directed by Stone.  This situation can show you how insanely creative my group of friends are AND how motivated we can all be if we truly want to get something done.  Thanks Jorge.  For everything.

Beer bongs were still had afterward.  A sibling was made for Jorge, and we went through the ringer trying to name it.  We settled on the name of Ol’ Boot, who was a fine lad, it just wasn’t the same.  It’s never been the same honestly.  RIP Jorge. 

Pour a 40

My coworker today who is about 15 years younger than me  asked me what it's like to turn 40?  For me personally, it's not too bad, well besides a few of the tiny negatives I'll discuss below.  I will say, some days all I really want to do is throw a party with flip cup and beer pong, but have the party end by 10 pm, while playing one hit wonders from the 90's and 2000's, perhaps doing the music draft drinking game.  Is that too much to ask?  It seems like yesterday I was throwing beer pong tourneys or having reunion parties that weren't hard to plan, life comes at you pretty fast! 

Turning 40 means a few things:

1.  Hair is getting weird.  You're either losing it or getting it in weird places.  I remember talking to my uncle back in the day and staring at his ear hair, "that'll never happen to me!" I said... unrelated, the ear trimmer is one of the best purchases I've ever made.  (note to self: make humorous blog in the future on really stupid shit you've bought that's amazing...like the ear trimmer).  

2. You're starting to figure some things out.  Maybe the best thing I ever figured out, I was a young 38 year old, but everyone is faking it.  Nobody knows wtf they are doing and if they say they are, they're lying.  So you're fine.  Go do whatever, nobody has it perfect except for two people (the answer is at the bottom of this blog, and in no way am I going to say it's the AT&T girl).

3.  Friend groups do start to change.  If you're reading this, there's a 75% chance we're friends since I'm only sharing this on FB.  If you told me 10 years ago that I'd have friends who support a president who tried to steal a presidency, I would've asked, "What are you smoking, pal!?  Seriously, what are you smoking?"  But 10 years ago I also would've told you there's no way there'd be a sequel to Top Gun or that Kate Bush would have a number 1 song in 2022 or that people hate Chris Pratt or...I can go on and on, you get the gist.  

People change, and that's one of the things I think I've struggled with the most in this post-2016 world of craziness.  My point of view isn't entirely right 100% of the time, but what in the living fuck am I missing?  You like red hats?  Do you think January 6th was a fun field trip?  I don't know how so many smart people can go down that road and be...fine with it?  Most of these people have kids, kids repeat behaviors they see, and from what the "evil" media is showing, (both parties suck btw, but one is a tiny less evil) is that there is a serious danger to how a lot of people in power are acting.  (If you would've told me 10 years ago what would happen on January 6th actually happened AND that James Franco wasn't a cool guy!?). 

Arguing about wearing a mask to save someone's life...is odd.  Laughing about having better gun laws to protect so many innocent people who are just going out and living their life (ESPECIALLY with Buffalo and Uvalde)...is odd.  Telling a woman what to do with her body so a life can come in to the world and not get the help he or she needs because a church, (that should be taxed btw), is really in the pockets of so many politicians (also the NRA isn't taxed either and there should be a limit on donations and from whom...but that'll never happen),  THEN the dirty politicians rig the system where nothing matters that's voted on and nobody is in control of their own life, they are controlled by a bunch of piece of shit, old rich men and women who have nothing in common with you (no matter what you think, the only thing you have in common with Trump is liking Diet Coke)....is odd.  (If you would've told me ten years ago I would've typed that long ass run-on sentence and that Coca Cola would have a flavor from outer space?!  WHAT!?)

The troubling thing myself and most have noticed in the past few years, bad behavior is really trending up, and there are zero repercussions.  The sad thing we should've noticed because it's been in plain sight this whole time, there was always this bubbling anger underneath, and correct me if I'm wrong, but Trump winning really brought that out, didn't it?  And now it's completely fine to have a flag saying Fuck Biden on it, or some asshole driving around Lincoln with the N word on his car, or some defiant asshole calling everyone a pussy for wearing a mask...all of whom have kids who see this shit (clearly I think swearing is fine)...but you scoff at what was brought up just above just for people's safety...fuck you.  (If you told me 10 years ago that I would be upset about people's parenting and that there weren't any CD players in cars anymore...)

So friendships change, you move away and start new lives.  You surround yourself with people of like minds...when you find the time.  You start to only hear the opinion of people who share the same exact thoughts and viewpoints as you.  Then you start to hate people who are different, then that affects some friendships.  Here's a fun ice breaker for possible new friends, ask someone you just met their thoughts on Colin Kaepernick, whichever answer they give will help you decide if you're friends or not.  (If you told me 10 years ago that Kaepernick hadn't brought the 49'ers at least 2 more Super Bowl's and that Michigan would only beat Ohio St 1 time in those TEN YEARS!?!?).

The thing I would like to delve in to sometime, is how bad 2005 was for society?  What's affected us worse from that year, looser gun laws being passed or social media becoming the norm?  

4. Still with me after that?  I'm gonna get some texts, pm's and telegrams, oh well.  

You really start to figure out certain scams as you get older.  Scams that help me?  Oh no, no, no.  Scams that take money out of everyone's pocket and there's nothing you can do about it!  What are the scams!?

- Taxes: where do they go?  Why do they take so much?  Why do rich people not pay them and poor people do?  How about only tax the super rich?  That way accountants can keep their jobs.  You don't need to tax some poor...literally...person who is working at a gas station and as a janitor and can't afford to keep their lights on at home, all the while taking care of a family that may or may not in the future be forced to have a kid they can't afford...damn run on sentences.  

- Daycare: It's the most needed commodity that will be on this list.  But the average person shells out so much money for daycare, only for it to really fuck you over.  What do I mean?  A disease infested daycare where your kid will get sick, then the daycare will tell you to take your kid home, which is FINE, because sick kids shouldn't be at daycare.  But some parents have to take their kids to daycare because they can't find care at home or stay home because they have to work.  So those kids get my kids sick, then I have to stay home, then the kids can't go back for a certain amount of time so you're paying a daycare bonkers money for them to not watch your kid, while you miss work.  THEN, if you want to leave the daycare, it's either a 2 or 4 week notice.  I literally don't know how people struggling to make ends meat make it.  

(Also I have met some AMAZING teachers at daycare that would do anything for these kids, who deserve better facilities, but the owners pocket most of the money and leave them with no budget...or at home daycare's where they just put movies on for an entire day and fuck around on Facebook all day).

- Insurance: Oh, the biggest scam of them all.  Health insurance doesn't cover a thing and takes the majority of people's paychecks.  I...hmmm, how to word this?  I know of someone who was hired for a job that had a few kids, she needed a job just so her kids would have insurance.  Insurance took up 3/4th's of her paycheck and she worked in...wait for it...THE MEDICAL FIELD.  Shouldn't you get something back?  Shouldn't the system be set up so there's free health care!?  No!?  Imagine if that lady had NO health insurance to pay for, how she could save for her kids, pay off other bills or god forbid buy something nice for herself and enjoy life.  Her splurge was Subway, the only person who splurged on Subway is doing time...(if you told me 10 years ago...).

- The Work Week: 40 hours is unneeded, Monday - Friday is outdated.  Vacation time is non-existent.  We prioritize work so much and then you get old, then you retire, then you hopefully have at least 2 decades to enjoy, I really hope you, yes YOU, get that.  

It just seems like there should be something better out there for so many people who go to college, who then leave with a ton of debt and hopefully no STD's, then get in a very competitive workforce to be unhappy.  In my book I'm writing, I go into great detail on all the jobs I've had because I've always believed happiness trumps (is that why you like him?  Cuz his fake last name is such a great word!?) being miserable, and trust me, at some jobs I have been MISERABLE.  Luckily I have been lucky enough to be so good at the interview process, I never had trouble finding a job.  And now it's cool to job jump, so take that my old boss at Enterprise who told me I'd never amount to anything!

So that's just a few things that getting older has done for me.  That and getting to the age where I keep hearing about people having affairs.  I've said this joke to my wife, there's no way I could cheat, by 8 PM each night I'm so exhausted I can't even read a book.  I'm sadly more impressed that anyone can have the energy, physical or mental, for infidelity.  I can't even remember my kids names sometimes.  That and dealing with one person's bullshit is enough, imagine having to put the effort in to two, or even three!?!?  Again, tip of the cap I suppose.  

So that about does it, I honestly can't wait to see what 50 brings!?  My kids will be teenagers, so that'll be a whole new world of chaos.  I do hope things get better, but sadly it seems like every single time there's a step forward, there's a solid 80 steps back everyone is making.  (Judging by my proofread of this blog, this blog might infuriate enough where I don't write another one of these until I'm 50...).

Thanks for reading.

PS 

WHO HAS IT PERFECT ANSWER!?  Former NBA player Robert Horry and...you guessed it, Milana "AT&T Girl" Vayntrub.