Random Thoughts Vol. 25

I had an idea for about 38 different blogs..okay I'm lying...36.  But none of them are really wow'ing me at the moment.  But I wanted to write, because I like to write...so I thought I would just put all of these ideas into one blog in an idea that I've clearly done 36 times before...okay, 34 times before.  So here we go another Random Thoughts!

Random Thoughts 31 Part 8

We're binge watching Suits right now.  How is it when this originally aired nobody gave a shit about it, but it drops on Netflix I get literally 8 different people in a span of 2 days telling me to watch this show?  It's good, it's just not Mad Men/Game of Thrones/Breaking Bad good.  It's more in that Dexter/Californiacation...any shitty show on Showtime territory of occasionally great, mostly average...and sometimes awful shows.  Anyways, go watch Suits!

Being a parent, I can see how every generation before us was like "it'll go too fast!".  It does...sort of.  It can go insanely slow sometimes, but that's when you're not doing anything.  But we have approached busy season and I swear, tomorrow will be Christmas.  We got 2 kids.  Both at the age you should have them in things, so piano, swimming, practice piano, soccer, practice soccer, soccer practice, dance, soccer and dance the same night, school function, and birthday party...oh my god the birthday parties!  So many!  We legit were invited to a birthday party where my kid didn't even know the person.  

So when someone says it goes by fast, it's only because you're busy....because when it goes by slow, parenthood is can sometimes be pure hell.  They are learning how to be humans, their emotions are insane, they get cranky and complain and it's loud, especially at birthday parties...oh my god the birthday parties!  So many!  Did I happen to tell you we were invited to a very loud one that we didn't even know the person!?  

Also if I was watching Suits while it originally was airing, I would've been extremely concerned for Megan Markle due to her not being the best actress.  Hoping she could somehow land on her feet...good for her, that's all I gotta say.  That's enough about Suits!

Boomers love milk.  We went on a trip and both sets of parents watched the kids, they did great so this isn't a diss.  But old people, besides thinking everyone is underfed LOVE MILK.  That's it, that's my thought.  Imagine me trying to stretch that idea in to one full blog, WTF was I thinking?!  But seriously, so much milk drank.  So much cereal eaten. All of our coffee creamer over a span of 4 days gone.  The "Got Milk" campaigns were clearly designed to keep us going, but as I've gotten older milk is kinda garbage.  

Also there's nobody really that rootable in Suits.  Okay, enough about Suits!  Besides Donna.  Sort of, she has her moments of sucking.  But she's rootable.  She's fine.  Louis goes in and out of being annoying because the writers seemingly don't know what to do to make a full season...I'm only on season 3 but my god we're in for a long haul.  At least we got Donna.

Getting older...I'm now 41, my body is really starting to hate me.  I get up out of bed too fast, I'm dizzy.  If I stretch something to fix something else, then another body part hurts.  My back always hurts.  I'm tired, even if I've slept.  What we need is a third day of a weekend, to really help with the sanity and to maybe rest my body.  If you couldn't get the gist of it from above, the days fly by way too fast, give us an off day, NFL players get one, why don't we?!

The thing about Donna, she's so smart and attached to Harvey, I just hope she finds happiness.  No spoiler alerts...okay, enough about Suits!  But Donna, the clock is ticking, give up on Harvey.  

This blog has been in my drafts for a month now, can you tell how scatterbrained it is?  Not one of my finest, but thank you for reading.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to write another one of these before the year is over.  Topics I'm thinking of include:

- Seriously, why is Louis written so weird.  He's either pure evil or you feel bad for him.  Does this get better?  Yeah, that's a blog idea.

- By the end of this year, I'll write why I want the 49'ers to win the Super Bowl so bad and I hope to god they are in position to.  Long story short, I'm tired of getting anxiety from a team that doesn't care about me.  Same goes to you Chicago Bulls and Michigan Wolverines, but I'd love to see a Super Bowl win with my kids and my team has come SO CLOSE IN 3 OF THE PAST 4 YEARS!  I just want one.  More.

- What would I do with a million dollars?  That's a fun blog.  

- I wouldn't mind another Inner Voice blog.  My thoughts through a whole day, but by 9 AM it'd have so much profanity and half of it would be complaining about my back, so maybe not.  

Any other ideas?  Drop me a line, comment below, do a smoke signal.  

Thanks for reading.  I'm just glad I finished this blog honestly, it only took forever.

Jeff

Are You Tired!? Do I Have Some Tips For You!

 

Hey there fellow adult!  If you're reading this, it's more than likely you were born before the year 2000.  If you are reading this and you weren't, then get the fuck outta here, what are you doing?  

So I'm tired literally all the time.  Is that because I'm 40?  Because I have 2 kids?  Because I stay up late and wake up early!?  WHO KNOWS!?

What I do know is I looked up some helpful hints and tricks to never be tired again, thanks Google!  So I'm going to share them because clearly they work.  I'm going to post each one in order with my opinion after and if you have any ideas to not feel tired all the time, please let me know, because as soon as I'm not tired all the time I'll be old...older than I am now. 

Here's some tips!

Eat Often

This can't be accurate can it?  Eating will cause me to be less tired!?  Usually it makes me more tired.  Honestly, I just had dinner a few hours ago and I've been fighting sleep since.  Also what am I supposed to eat to not be tired?  I feel that was a misprint and it was supposed to say "Beat Often".  Take that joke as you will but that's gonna keep me up more than eating. 

Get Moving

Yeah clearly moving around is going to make you less tired, but when am I supposed to do that?  I work at a desk or in my car, so maybe I go park my car for a bit and do some laps around the park and get moving.  But it's summer, so then I'm going to get super sweaty.  So am I supposed to go back to work super sweaty?  Okay, sweatier than I do already because it's summer time and I have leather seats and I'm literally drenched in sweat by the time I leave my car after my 20 minute commute?

* public service announcement.  I have a sweat blanket for my car.  What's a sweat blanket you may ask?  It's a blanket I put between my back and my hot leather chair that makes it so I don't get as sweaty.  In other news until I get a car with air conditioned seats, my kids blankets are my savior on a hot summer day...and it's only JUNE!  

Lose Weight to Gain Energy

So I was going to discuss this above, but getting moving is working out.  I enjoy working out.  I legit enjoy running.  Can I find the time to do any of that?  Minus now at 9 PM at night when I should be exercising and not writing a blog about how I'm tired and should be exercising?

When am I supposed to work out by the way?  6 AM in the morning when I'm super tired?  At night when I just want to sit and watch a show or mess around on my phone?  The middle of the day when I have to return to work!?  I already have issues sweating in my car, I don't want to go to work sweating even more.  Also why is all this sweat leaving my body not a work out and helping me be less tired!?  I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

Sleep

Oh yeah, actually SLEEPING!  Sure.  Okay, I'm 40 so when is that happening?  

When I decide to stay up later because I don't want to just work all the time and so I stay up later to watch a show so I don't feel like I just work?  Or is it in the morning when I randomly wake up an hour before my alarm because I have to pee all the time now?  Then I fall asleep and my wife's alarm goes off a half an hour before mine so then I lay there debating whether to go back to sleep or just look at my phone and then I fall asleep only for my alarm to wake me up literally minutes later?!  Or is it when I try to sleep in on the weekends and my kids, who are amazing btw, want me to come hang out with them?  Is it when I try to take a nap but I view naps as something that are amazing but also a waste of my time?  Do I like run on sentences!?

My buddy always said about being an adult with kids he will sleep when he dies, but holy shit man that's pretty fucking bleak isn't it?  Just go sleep man.  

*Ever read those articles where super successful people sleep only 3-4 hours a night?  Fuck those people, amiright!?

Reduce Stress

Did you not read the previous paragraph?  Just on trying to sleep I'm stressed.  What are we going to add now to my stress I can't reduce?  Let's see...

Inflation.  Rising costs.  Climate change.  Scary political climate.  Kids.  Their safety.  Money.  Saving for the future.  Trying to find time to sleep, work, workout, be a parent, a spouse, get alone time, finish a show or complete that video game I've tried to play since 2016.  

Also I'm so old that my shoulder randomly tore and it hurts to scratch my neck now.  To steal a great Seinfeld quote, but putting my name in instead...JEFF'S GETTING STRESSED OUT!

Therapy

I'm not dogging on therapy because therapy is a great and healthy thing, it's why I write, because it's therapeutic.  So I'm moving on to the next topic, but not before I say if I was to see a therapist that I would be more tired because they have quiet soothing voices...unless it's therapy like Gallagher, remember that guy!? 

Get me a sledgehammer and a watermelon please, that'll keep me awake!  Also there's two Gallagher's, they are brothers that are feuding...so now I gotta Google and see what's going on with them.

Cut Out Caffeine

How am I supposed to stay awake!?  NATURALLY!?  True story I didn't like coffee before I met my wife.  I never saw the point in it, it tastes like shit.  10 years later I mean, it's not that bad and I need it to live.  

Soda I always saw the point in.  I love it.  Dr. Pepper, Coke, Cherry Coke, all of it.  Give it to me...minus Pepsi Zero, gross.  So am I going to dabble and have one of those a day?  Yes.  Are you trying to tell me I'm supposed to cut that stuff out?  Did you hear of that old ass lady who drank a Dr. Pepper everyday?  She's still alive...I think.  You trying to tell me she didn't do something right?  How much do you think she slept!?

Drink Less Alcohol

Nope!  Next!

More Water

I do enjoy a good water.  It's the best drink ever...after whiskey...and Dr. Pepper...and sometimes milk but only if you had something chocolate...it's so good...or when you have a slice of pizza and drink some milk, I used to love that.  Now, I'm no longer a milk guy but I'm getting off topic.  Sleep?  Yes.

So there you have it!  All helpful tips that will be sure to make you feel super relaxed and ready to have a great day.  You can thank me later!

Thanks for reading:

Jeff

Oh did you know I wrote a book!?  I'd like to sell more and all of it goes to my kids college fund and if we sell more, like oh a million more maybe it can be a movie and then I can...hold up...the next blog I cast Burying the Past.  Then it essentially will be a cinch for those Hollywood types to get the movie going.  

LET'S GOOOOO!  PS buy the book, link below.  

Burying the Past

I'm 40, Mentally 30, Physically 50: A Blog

 

Lately I've been watching movies that people have been telling me for YEARS to watch.  I had somehow never seen the following:

- Ghost

- My Cousin Vinny

- Roadhouse

- White Men Can't Jump

- Parenthood

- more movies to list that some day I will do a blog on each one I watched...spoiler alert, I don't think I really missed out on much (although the monster truck scene in Roadhouse should be studied for YEARS in any film school, it's a masterpiece.  Actually that's my next blog, reviewing each of the "new" movies).

While watching Parenthood I had two thoughts.  1.  It's really not that funny, it's super depressing.  2.  Steve Martin is about to have a 4th kid in that movie...did you see his picture above!?  He looks 60!  Guess how old he was when they shot the movie?  Go on...guess...

44.  I'm 4 years away from that.  How did our generation decide to age just a little bit better than the previous one?  I see men and women that are 44 now that can easily pass for mid 30's.  Is it the fashion?  Better availability of botox?  Both!?  

So that movie got me to thinking a few things (besides the fact that Mary Steenburger has aged wonderfully, her vs Julia Louis Dreyfus in an ultimate cougar battle, who wins!?).  I started to wonder the above, but I think I figured it out (it's botox and plastic surgery and social media forcing us to all still look young)...so I solved that one.  The second one, where is my mid-life crisis?  

There are a lot of theories to that, but I fell upon a Tik Tok (pre-banned Tik Tok, so if you read this in the future, Tik Tok is an application that steals your information, the only difference is that app is from China stealing your information, while you're probably getting a link to this blog on Facebook or Twitter, apps stealing your information in the good old USA!), this Tik Tok video went in to great length to describe why my generation hasn't had a mid life crisis.  It was quite interesting, clearly we've gone through numerous crises (crisees!?) already, we've also had significantly less wealth built up than the boomer generation who had money saved up enough to go buy a new car or spouse.  

My generation has also grown up a lot different than the ones before and after.  We got to experience rotary phones, dial up connections and everything in our phone.  Video games?  We've had them all, from hooking them up on the back with a screwdriver to playing all of those games on my phone just last night!  Ways to pirate movies?  Covered in every aspect through my life.  Tapes to LimeWire to "redacted".  Music?  Our oldies are still cooler than whatever this generations songs are called.  (Side note, I had a joke about how I'm so old The Next Episode by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg is an oldie...I also had a joke that I'm so old I can fart the beginning seconds in the restroom every morning after my coffee).  Us older millennial's are a weird in-between of the old ways vs the new.  REMEMBER 1-800-COLLECT!?!?  YOWZA!

I think we've experienced so much in such a short time we didn't have time to have a mid life crises.  Or we're aging so differently (and better) than previous generations that our midlife crises will be around age 50.  But by then I'll be so old my main crises will be where do I start when I re-watch all the Marvel movies?  Or when will I finally see Limp Bizkit (0 for 3 this decade, come on Fred!)?  Maybe I'm one of the lucky few who didn't have one?  

Life is pretty crazy now and most if not all of you reading this are around my age, so we're all just trying to navigate a post-Covid world involving work and school and social functions.  Handling kid stuff and figuring out how to have them live their best lives and be involved in as many cool things as they can, BUT at the same time do enough for yourself (like binge watching shows and catching up on dramedy's about parenting from the 80's that you've never seen, oh and staying healthy because cholesterol is a thing now).  Or if you don't have kids, just figuring your shit out.  Because that's life, and life is tough (did I steal that from Parenthood!?).

One last thought on my age, based on the title, turning 40 now is insane.  I don't feel like I'm 40 until I sleep the wrong way on my new pillow.  Then I feel like an old ass 50 year old.  I also have to watch my cholesterol as I stated above, but I could seriously f with some Taco Bell right now.  Listening to music with the windows down I'm cranking some rap or rock but then I get a ringing in my ears.  And I love to drink and go out, but boy do I love having a drink or two at home and being in the house by nighttime.  Those my age reading this who still go hard like I did 10 years ago, my hats off to you...but I'll always remember passing out "early" on a floor and my cousins best friend going "Wow, if Jeff Kleeman knew what he was doing now he would be so disappointed in himself!".  Best quote ever, thanks Spud.  

I will leave you with another quote from my seriously brainy, super cool daughter from this week that really got me, so wise for a 6 year old to say the following: "Remember the years go pretty quickly to 100...now let's go get ice cream!".  Smart kid.  

Thanks for reading and sorry, not sorry, for all the parentheses!  

Jeff

PS Steve Martin is a legend and must be protected at all costs.  Coming next time, movies Jeff watched that are old and he writes about them!

PPS I wrote a book!  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTRPH7RW?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

What's All This To Do Then?

 

I just finished my book, you may have heard!?  So I didn't want to over-promote it but... here is a link to Burying the Past, available now on Amazon!  

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTRPH7RW?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

Finishing the book was a glorious/painful experience.  It's definitely not perfect.  There's stories looking back on that I forgot to put in, the Cory putting out a fire story in particular is a great story and I COMPLETELY FORGOT!  SORRY KAAAAAHHHHH!

There's stories that honestly should've went in that I didn't include because of...reasons, particularly with the two jobs in Lincoln.  The stories are so amazingly weird and bonkers they don't honestly seem real anyway.  You can ask me what they are the old fashioned way, text messaging!

Also with any exes I tried to be super nice, I think I was only mean to like two?  And I can't tell other stories because I am quite happily married, so if you want to hear any of those you can ask me what they are the old fashioned way, calling (text messaging you can screen shot, nope)!

Maybeeeeee if I sell 500 copies of the book, I'll get greedy enough to come out with a deluxe edition or put in a better font size for the older people (I did a 12 font and on the test run I thought it looked fine, so my apologies if you had to get a magnifying glass to read...and no apologies if you work at a magnifying glass plant).  

Now that I finished the book, what do I do with the limited time I had?  Well...what do you think this blog is about!?  Join me as I debate my next route...

- Another Book

Nope!  Never.  Done.  

I have debated writing a screen play for fun.  I attempted one a LONG time ago in college that was called 17 Cent Situation...and it is pretty amazing, but writing a screenplay seems far more complicated than a book and it's not going to end up a movie anyway.

- Binge Some More Shows

I honestly don't know what shows I have left to binge watch besides a handful, those being

* Better Call Saul's final season

* Severance (100% happening this week)

* Curb Your Enthusiasm (I'm on episode 5 of season 1...it's a long task)

OR binge watch some classics such as

* Seinfeld, to see if it's held up

* The Office (sadly I've been doing this, I'm to season's 4 finale, it's held up, but Jim is kind of a dick and Pam is possibly the worst, team Karen)

* Community, also to see if it held up or I built it up in my head as the greatest show ever.

Get In To Politics...AGAIN!

Nope!  I don't want to tie again.  There's no other options, I won't win, I won't lose.  I will have a second tie.  That is my destiny.  Plus have you seen how bad it is on both sides?  No, I'm good.  Unless there's a cool third party that isn't influenced by horrible people with money and decide what happens based on what's right.  

PS Tax churches. 

Exercise!

This I do need to do.  Turning 40 has led to my body hating if I eat burritos 6 days in a row, so add diet in there too...in fact, boom we have a winner!  Only one problem, what is a healthy burrito I can do?  Feel free to text me or comment.  

I think I'm going to maybe do my progression diet-wise on this blog.  Let's see how I do now that you're invested!

*Also I had the following blog idea for a while, but it doesn't warrant a full blog, so I'm throwing in my questioning of parenthood activities. 

I was talking with my coworker last week (was it last week!?) and parenting now is crazy right?  Where am I going with this?  Glad you didn't ask!  I'm going in a few directions.  One direction is schools and other various things only having activities during work hours.  When was all of this decided?  Parent teacher conferences at a preschool during the day!?  A fun run scheduled during the noon hour in a big ish city!?  No, what is this?  

All you parents who do make it, what do you...do?  Stay at home spouse is definitely a job (trust me!  I did it briefly) but if you live in the richy rich part of the neighborhood I automatically assume it's a two household income kinda lifestyle so I'm super confused when one person is a banker and the other either doesn't work or is a part time florist.  It's your parents money isn't it?  

The other thing with parenting and activities, if you have more than 2 kids I feel for you.  There's so many things for them to do you don't get any time for yourself.  We have at no particular time: gymnastics, swimming, dance, piano, soccer and we haven't even gotten to baseball/basketball/football.  That's insane on two levels, time and expense.  I'd like my kids to try everything, but I also see why some of those psycho (sorry, intense) parents force (sorry, focus) on one sport, saves some time and money. 

Basically, the main thing to learn is nothing will ever be perfect as long as you try and the kids don't turn in to jerks.  So far so good on my end!

Thanks for reading...also you may be unsure, but I did just release a book, available here:

Burying the Past

Thanks for reading!  Oh, I forgot to list above with exercise...blogging will be back, ish!  Maybe monthly, depends on my ideas and when they come to me.  Have a great day!

Jeff

PS Next blog is going to be about boomers and why they should have to take a test to be on Facebook.  I just thought of this, it's too good not to do.  

Vertigo or: I'm Dizzy When I Get Up Too Fast and Other Weird Things of Getting Old

 

Getting older has led to the WEIRDEST things.  If you told me when I was 30, that 10 years later the following would happen I would've said you're crazy!  Let's explore:

- As I mentioned in the title, getting dizzy is ROUGH.  Getting up too fast when I hear my kid asking for me in the morning or just getting out of bed has led to some fun mornings.  The things that are happening as I get older are so weird to me.  Dizzy spells.  Being tired literally early in the evenings.  My back ALWAYS HURTS.  

Back to vertigo, I haven't had it in years, then a few weeks ago, boom, dizzy.  Fun fact, I also had a bout of vertigo on the very first TV show I ever hosted, did I hide it well?  Yes.  Was it all downhill from there?  Also yes.  

Quick tip to get rid of the vertigo/dizziness: put your body against a wall, standing up of course...and proceed to tilt your head side to side like the Roxbury Guys, then you're good to go...well that and prescription drugs of course.

- I still watch The Office!?  There is so much content in entertainment it's insane.  We are truly in the golden age of television, with some amazing shows I have yet to partake in.  So I ask you this, why am I still willingly watching The Office!?  

Same with The Simpsons, same if a random Seinfeld is on.  Is it a comfort thing!?  I'm about to binge watch the hell out of Curb Your Enthusiasm, so maybe I'll take a tiny break from watching the same episode of The Office for the 12th time...after the dinner party episode, because it's perfect television.

- They are still making Fast and the Furious movies!?  How are there so little ideas to movies these days?  Hire me and my cousin Brad, we'll whip you up a fun, cheaply made idea that'll make you you're money back and have you leaving the comfort of your living room (or a movie theater, what are those!?) with a smile on your face...or a frown.  Either way hire us, are you listening other Jeff Kleeman!?

Although I am impressed that they tied Tokyo Drift to the 10th (or is it 9th!?  11th!?) Fast and the Furious movie, which, is quite impressive to the large collective of people who were thinking, "I wonder what the gang from the least successful Fast and the Furious movie is up to!?".  Also, where is Bow Wow!?  

- Superhero movies are getting old and repetitive!?  I'm so tired of the amount of content they are putting out.  Back in the day you would watch one of these, there may or may not be a few sequels, then it was done for a few years.  Now we have 2-3 current Batmen, a billion Spider-Men...a lot of average to barely above average Marvel shows and a ton of movies that I have to force myself to watch because I don't want to be lost when Avengers 8 comes out.

Again, give me a low budget, get me my Cowriter, we'll write you another movie starring Eric Rasmussen, boom, money.  

Also, related rant.  Comics were lame when I was a kid, I loved them and now it's cool!?  Not fair.  Rant over.  

- Staring at my phone with my wife at 9:30 PM on a Friday night is enjoyable simply because it's quiet!?  It's so crazy.  10 years ago I was still going out, every so.  Not really the bars anymore, house parties were nice or friend get togethers.  Now it's kinda nice being home on a Friday or Saturday and just....CHILLING.  I do miss the occasional party, I REALLY miss beer pong and I definitely would love a board game night...as long as all of my guests clean up after themselves, don't wake up my kids and leave at a reasonable hour, is that too much to ask!?

Lastly, my book was 100% done, then it was 90% done to fix some things....(thanks Brad!), now it's 100% done again.  I might put the first page on his blog in a few weeks, but that's all leading up to say it's done and I just need to go on Amazon publishing and get things rolling.  Here is the cover of the book, if you know me, it's an old friend!

Look for that book coming up soon.  If you don't mind me, I'm going to stand up now and do some stretches.  Thanks for reading!

Jeff

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is one of my favorite entertainers of all time.  He's one of the few childhood favorites of mine that hasn't gotten cancelled (please nobody send me anything if he has), he made The Jerk which is a top 5 comedy of all time and I recently started Murders in the Building which is a delightful show.  If you haven't watched it, picture a cross between a random PBS show with Martin Short being hilarious and throw in Selena Gomez being Selena Gomez and you got a 4.5/5 show.  

Anywhosers, back to Steve Martin.  I only named this blog "Steve Martin" because I had some fun thoughts on Parenthood...GET IT!?  CUZ HE WAS IN THAT MOVIE!?  So below will be some interesting things I've gathered on being a parent...well maybe a few more things since my last parenthood blog.

ALSO...my book is complete, I'm about to publish it.  I haven't yet because it feels like it's a time consuming process and I'm waiting on my cousin/brother to write my foreword who just had his first kid.  AND with a new job/being a parent and husband/football season/holidays/staring at a wall out of exhaustion, I can barely find time to write this.  That being said, thoughts on parenthood and getting older!

- I have a favorite kids song.  We're lucky because growing up all the kids songs were garbage, minus a few, specifically this one:

One of my best friends recently subjected to me to Danny Go and let me tell ya, that shit SLAPS!  Some quality there.  

- Speaking of these shows, the impatience of my kids is outstanding if a show is buffering or they can't access it.  Now I'm the old man who yells at a cloud when I explain back in MY DAY we only had 36 channels and had to buy or rent VHS or DVD's....even worse we had to wait for a show to air.  We truly lived in prehistoric times having to wait for Doug and Rugrats like we were cavemen.  

- The only thing we had it better than the kids now was when it comes to music.  I've had this conversation with a few people of "Are we old now or does the music actually suck?" and I'm of the belief it's both.  There's very few songs coming out now that are original or good.  If it's Olivia Rodrigo she's taking whatever song or melody was big back then (still good though!) and making hits or Elton John discovered he can just remake his older songs with someone and that gets radio play.  Also Dua Lipa is a robot, that is my next blog, 99 reasons why Dua Lipa is not a real human being.  

- Also, one of the most interesting observations about growing older, our parents didn't have social media.  So I'm guessing a lot of you boomers reading this got to stay in and not really be jealous of anyone going out because you weren't seeing it.  I'm in the interesting "I'm super jealous you get to go out and drink while I"m home with kids but at the same time it's 9 PM and I'm wearing sweatpants eating ice cream and I'm perfectly fine watching Unsolved Mysteries" portion of my life.  

I'd like to meet somewhere in the middle now that my kids are getting older.  I want to go out and RAGE or throw a house party and RAGE while listening to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, but I want to be done by 9:30 or 10:00 PM.  I'm not 35 anymore!  So those reading this, expect an invite of some sort in the near future to my Old Person Beer Pong Tournament, where it starts at 3 PM and ends by 9:00 PM...MAYBE 9:30 PM.  

I elaborated on the following above, but I'm going to revisit this, there is just not enough time in the day either, especially as a parent.  Typical day in one paragraph: woke up by my kid (it's fine, he's awesome and it's now at 6:30 AM!!!  Make breakfast, get them ready, go to school.  Go to work, forget you didn't eat breakfast.  Work.  Pick up kids make them dinner.  They go to bed.  You and your significant other, and I know this is EVERYONE, turn on a show and take your phones out in pure exhaustion.  Sleep.  Repeat.

What I would like to figure out is how to include a work out.  Binge watching a few shows or movies I've had on my list.  I would LOVE to play some video games that I've wanted to beat for a while (I've been halfway through Link to the Past for a good 6 years now....some day), listen to my records, finish some books perhaps?  I had a goal all weekend to play a WWE game and make all my friends in to characters, I haven't touched it...too tired by 10 PM.  I feel a sick day coming upon me cough cough.  (I'm just kidding work!)

- Cholesterol!?  Watching what I have to eat?  What the shit is this?  I just turned 40 which means if I even sniff cheese I'm going to be farting for a month straight.  Eating right, while good for you, is seemingly incredibly hard and boring.  The other thing I struggle with foodwise, when my kids don't finish something I grew up with the mindset that I gotta finish that.  So if we go out and eat and they don't finish that delicious chicken nug or that cheesy, fart inducing pizza I must finish ASAP.  

Parenthood is incredibly rewarding.  Do not get me wrong (kids if you're reading this in the future you're great!).  Just know when my kids get older and they can go and do more things independently, we're gonna have a role reversal and they are going to come home to me and Heather gaming at 1 AM, drinking some Natty Lights while I listen to my 2 Pac vinyl's.  Also I should watch the movie Parenthood, I've never seen it.  Time to add that to my "Movies Kleeman Surprisingly Hasn't Seen" list.  

Hey!  Thanks for reading, it's been a minute.  Next up, HOPEFULLY THE BOOK.  Please buy it, it's really good, I swear.  

Til next time,

Jeff

PS Movies I recently finished I somehow hadn't seen are: Roadhouse, My Cousin Vinny, White Men Can't Jump, Ghost, Point Break...all decent, none I will ever watch again. 

Movies on my list still: Death Becomes Her, Philadelphia, Cliffhanger, Police Academy (Kim Cattrall, Jeff's first crush!), Land of the Lost.  There's more, but if you just read this blog, it's gonna take a while!

Kids Say the Darndest...

It's really great raising two kids who are super curious and ask a lot of questions.  First of all, they haven't been tainted by the world yet, so they are full of wonder and questions such as, "Dad, why is that guys butt sticking out of his pants?".  That was a fun moment at Hy Vee.

Second of all, I'm pretty blunt, but I'm aware of what I can and cannot ask, I absolutely love how blunt kids can be with whatever they say.  They don't care!  They will ask a super awkward question and then move on to watching Gabby's Dollhouse, forgetting they ever asked it.  

Yesterday my daughter asked a question that legit made sense, most of hers do.  So I thought I would tally up a few of her questions and my son's questions into a blog and comment on them.  Let's start with the one that got me to write this blog in the first place:

* note, this isn't one of those super lame blogs where parents lie about their kids quotes, neither have expressed their views on world peace, politics or if Taylor Swift is or isn't overrated.  (She's not, but I can see the argument).  Just some normal questions from two awesome kids.

"Why do you have to pay for school lunches?"

My first reaction was, holy shit, why does anybody have to pay for school lunches?  It honestly should come with school.  But then I got to thinking how underpaid school staff is.  How we have to do donations just to help support a school while legit billionaires are flying a space shuttle into space.  How the education and the societal system is broken, especially when it comes to education and the poor.  Then my head exploded.  

But seriously, I didn't grow up wealthy, but imagine having to not pay for your kid to eat at a place they learn, amazing.  This also goes in to college and how all of their staff is underpaid...but that's for another day.

"Why do kids have to stay home from daycare when they aren't sick?"

I had an entire blog written up about this, but I had to delete it for a few reasons.  I was super angry, which doesn't translate to a good read.  Also I completely understand the risk if a kid "might" be sick.  I oddly helped run a daycare for a few months (my resume is bonkers, I know this.  To learn more about my crazy life, buy my book in November called "Burying the Past"!) so I understand not wanting to close down and refund parents...but....

The system is broken.  Daycare is super expensive.  Most people can't afford it.  Most people can't afford to not have it.  We have the luxury of not being those parents that drop off a sick kid because we have to, but I get it.  But on the same note, people should try to not drop off their kid if they are sick because they get others sick.  They also, not my current daycare, I like this current daycare, but some daycare's didn't have a clue what to do with Covid.  

Kids temp is 100?  Send them home for 2-3 days!  Okay that doesn't affect anything at all work wise, does it?  Our son was sent home from a daycare for having a 99 degree temp in June.  So I had to work from home while our perfectly healthy son was fine.  When I questioned it, the head of the daycare tried to explain to me what a fever was like I wasn't married to a doctor or passed 5th grade science (D's get degrees).  

Quick thing, preschool/daycare teachers and staff should be paid more.  People's jobs SHOULD have a daycare allowance in it.

Basically the first two questions my daughter had involved the education and childcare system and how it's broken.  Perhaps my daughter or son can help change the world in the future and not have a tie in a political race like their dad.  Speaking of which?

Why is that guy so old!?

Okay, only a minor political one, but one that 99% of everyone can agree on.  My son asked this about our president.  Nobody over the age of 65 should be making decisions.  You're done, go drink a margarita and hang with your grand kids, you did your job.  There is no reason anyone should run for any political office at age 88.  

My son is 3 and asked why someone old is speaking on television, clearly he didn't know who it was.  But seriously, what a broken ass system.  Should honestly rename this blog "The System is Broken".  

Why do I have to wake up early every day?

My daughter is learning quick, the answer to this is nobody knows why!  The work day was set Monday thru Friday 8-5 by Satan.  School usually between 8ish - 3 ish?  I'm down for some changes there.  Four day work weeks?  Non Satan hours of 8-5?  Shorter school days where they maximize their learning?  More remote possibilities with jobs, oh, oh, oh!  My favorite question is the next one!

Why are my things during your job?

So a lot of people work without the luxury of being able to pick up and drop off your kids whenever, wherever...Shakira references!  

So my daughter has dance right at 5, that involves working people to leave at 4:30 to get to her after school place on time, then get to dance at 5, but then I gotta go pick up my kid, then go back to the same location to pick up my child when she's done.  Then there's dinner, then whatever small amount of time with them before they go to sleep, then you do the parent thing where you have goals, but stare at a wall or a tv show/phone instead.

Kindergarten training, I'll call it that, was at 9 AM each day, which I worked at 9 AM each day, then it was over at 11:45, so you gotta leave early (I'd also like to throw in I had my vasectomy this week like an idiot, so we dropped her off at 9 AM, then I had a vasectomy, then I waddled to go pick up my daughter, that week SUCKED).  It seems all things for kids are during the day intentionally to make one parent want to lose their god damn mind.  

Daddy how come you can swear?

Because I fucking can, get over it.  (I didn't really respond with that, but it's funny!).  

My kids know not to swear, I've discussed this with a few parents recently, but it's impossible for me to not swear.  Years and years of doing it, if I stub my toe I'm not NOT going to swear.  So you make sure your kids know they can't say the major bad words...but now I have to deal with poopy butt being a bad word at daycare and I have ZERO issues with poopy or butt being said.  Honestly, just be a good person and if they say booby let it slide preschool teacher who should be making way more money than you currently are (see I'm on your side!!!).

That's just a few of the gems they've had, I love the questions my kids ask, luckily they aren't all as deep as some of the above questions, more so it's asking how to add and spell which I can handle.  Here's a quick round up for funny ones that don't need a write up, one is clearly a joke:

- Why do girls not have wieners?

- Why are my farts smelly?

- Why do we have to eat vegetables?

- Are you lying about Santa?

- What are your thoughts on trickle down economics?

- Why do you yell at the 49'ers?

- Why do we fart?

- Why can't I scratch my butt in public?

Just some gems here, clearly the made up question was....Santa, it's the Santa one!  100%....

Thanks for reading as always.  I'm in the beginning stages of the how to convert finished book to Amazon publishing, but I'm there.  I finished a freaking book and I couldn't be happier.  If this takes off, perhaps I'll try another book that'll take far less time to complete than 13 years.  

Thanks for reading!

Jeff