Social Downfall

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

The National Past Time


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This here is Ken Griffey, Jr.  He was the coolest baseball player of the 90's (sorry Omar Vizquel!), arguably the best player of that generation (Barry Bonds would win in a landslide, except his head grew about 8 inches because of...workouts), and most importantly he was marketable as hell.

This guy had his own candy bar, video game, and a great shoe! 

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So of course you would think Major League Baseball would build on the marketability of Ken Griffey, Jr., hell, even some other 80's and 90's baseball stars during that time and continue to be toe to toe with the NFL and the NBA at this very moment in popularity, right!?  Right!?

No.

Oh baseball, what went wrong with you?  Bad ratings.  Bad attendance (you can say attendance is great, but look at the stands if you catch it on TV).  No marketable stars.  It's long.  It can't catch the attention of millennial's who would rather see something fast, quick, and more entertaining. 

Baseball was the first sport I really fell in love with.  Besides Griffey, there was Kirby Puckett and his Puck Pack (he was a horrible person off the field, let that be known), Frank Thomas, Barry Bonds, Maddux, Randy Johnson...a who's who of people to market, real quick, name me the most marketable star in baseball right now?  I'll go ahead and wait.

Oh Mike Trout you may say?  Yeah, what does he look like?

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Is this him?  Or is it Tim Salmon?  Maybe it's Bryce Harper?  Maybe Clayton Kershaw?

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Is this Clayton Kershaw?  Because if you thought it was you are wrong, although he has a striking resemblance to Fernando Valenzuela.

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Besides the Chicago Cubs World Series win in 2016, has there been anything marketable about the sport lately?  Are you super excited to see the Diamondbacks play the Reds on a Sunday?  Can you name a single player on either if you were a casual fan?  To compare leagues could you name a few Bengals or Cardinals if they were to play football this fall?  I bet you can at least name 4-5 as a casual fan of the NFL. 

I love baseball, and more should really get in to it.  Where baseball is failing is they aren't picking up any steam in this interesting time for sports.  The NFL is having issue after issue, domestic violence, kneeling, concussions, the Cleveland Browns...The NBA is pulling in great ratings...but only for it's playoff games, and more particularly games featuring LeBron James, other than that it's tank city for most franchises and you're getting the same teams in the finals 4 years straight, and now it'll be even more boring with LeBron leaving the east. 

Baseball?  As I stated earlier, bad attendance, bad ratings, no marketable stars.  Let's fix this.

How to Fix Major League Baseball

- allow some emotions!  Bat flips, celebrate after a strikeout!  Show some emotion. 

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Market that it's fun!  The players who still go by the "unwritten rules" of baseball suck.  Someone hits a monster home run so the retort is to throw at that hitter the next time he's up?  Suck it up.  If someone does that how about a new rule, that pitcher has to stand in the box and the person batting can throw directly at his stupid face.

- get women involved!  Have you seen how the NFL and NBA have embraced women coaches?  You mean to tell me there aren't capable females who can coach or manage baseball?  And market better to girls and women!  Get them involved in the game, it's another thing the NFL and NBA have a heads up over MLB on.

- speaking of marketing, it's time to market more to African American's as well.  It's embarrassing how few are currently playing the sport.  Growing up most of my favorite players were black, I can't name more than 5 players off the top of my head that play now (Denard Span, Jason Heyward, Carl Edwards...um....okay 3).  Market this sport better MLB! 

- have pyro or fireworks or cheerleaders or awesome intro music for each person.  Get people involved in the live game.  I went to a game this year, and it was fun because I was with my friends, and it was Wrigley which is always great.  But if you're going to a game in Kansas City, which I've also done, it doesn't have that same feel to it.  If you make the game more fun or interactive it won't matter how long the game goes.

Oh and get bad ass entrances.  WWE/UFC, music cranked, pyro, get me amped!

- that being said, some things seem outdated as for the pace.  How many times do you need to attempt to pick off a runner?  They already made it faster to intentionally walk someone, that's good.  The extra innings experiment in the minor leagues I think is an interesting idea (a runner starts at 2nd automatically to start the inning, sign me up!). 

- add two more teams.  Right now it's 3 divisions per league, with 2 wildcards for each.  How about 4 divisions with 4 teams?  Cool.  Make the divisions matter.  The wild card is kind of cool, but I think it's a cheat to the division winner.  As for cities to add?  Charlotte, Montreal or Vegas?  Oh and movie Tampa Bay, dear god they don't deserve a team.

- can we get the managers to stop wearing the jersey's? 

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Creepy.  It's just not flattering to see a man over 45 wear a jersey of any sort.  The only way I'd be on board with this in any league is if Bill Belichick put full pads and jersey on for every Patriots game in the NFL or for the NBA coaches to have their own shorts and jersey. 

- do something about the DH.  Either keep it in both or get rid of it.  It's like if the NFL decided to not use a kicker in the AFC and you had to go for two each time, but the NFC made you have the option to kick or go for it.  It's dumb and makes no sense. 

While we're at it, make TV more interesting.  The announcers are boring as all hell.  It's like watching golf with bats. 

For the World Series, have it at a warm weather or domed site, make that a thing.  If you're playing in to October and New York makes it (which they will this year), it's going to snow and you'll have delays. 

- lastly, figure out who your star players are and market them!  If I didn't play fantasy baseball I wouldn't know who most people are, and I LIKE BASEBALL!  Kris Bryant, Bryce Harper, Clayton Kershaw, Mike Trout, Aaron Judge.  After those guys, there's not much else, and I still couldn't recognize a single one of them off the street. Start building up some players and make them important.  It's what the other leagues do. 

Thanks for reading,

Jeff

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Overrated Foods: A Kleeman Report...Report


People get mad or offended now about the smallest things.  Yesterday I received a text from my friend Travis.

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"True or false, chislic is completely overrated?"

Simple enough question, the answer, my opinion, is yes.  It's always overpriced.  It's not something that I would order, but if someone were to offer me a bite, yeah...sure.  But I'd do the same with toast, and toast is just...toast.

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That doesn't mean it's bad.  That doesn't mean I dislike it.  It just means I don't enjoy it as much as most, and view it as a food that gets unneeded acclaim for being cut up steak (or lamb) with seasoning...

So of course I told Travis that I would make it my Facebook status...let's see what happens?  What happened?  I forgot we live in 2018, the era of everybody is offended by everything!  Yeah!  Great!  What started with a few funny memes, gifs, comments, etc, ultimately turned in to more.  I got texts!  Personal messages!  It was even turned political in one response (I shared an article about how South Dakota is making chislic the state snack, or "nosh" if you will... that's my state, always the important issues.  Not increasing teacher pay or anything else important.  Definitely nosh, that's what's important. Anyway a guy who is awful pushed to pass this bill...and it’s my fault for sharing that stupid article).  Hell, even one of my best friends (hi KAAAAAH) made a status that I, Jeff Kleeman, was overrated (which is actually really funny).

So of course I’m a glutton for punishment and I have decided to do a blog about the most overrated foods!  But I'm not going to make the choices, I'm just going to review them.  I’ve enlisted two people who love food as much as I do (no, not Ben Gutnik...next time Ben!). The previously mentioned Travis and our buddy Alan.

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Meow, right ladies?

This blog will be much like my status. Super easy, not time consuming and sure to piss people off for no reason.

Here is the list from Travis and Alan. If you can correctly identify who picked what (there is one that was chosen by both) you will win the only Kleeman Report shirt in existence. Still up for grabs, years later.

Casey’s Pizza

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A Midwest favorite. I personally love Casey’s pizza. This person does not (its Alan, one freebie). Greasy gas station pizza.  I believe he thinks it’s rubbery. And did I mention it’s from a gas station?

On a personal note, living in Sourh Dakota, it’s fun describing to people out of state that the most popular pizza is from a gas station, the most popular chicken is from Pizza Ranch...and you can only guess where the most popular hamburgers are...right?  Trick question, I have no clue. Personally around here?  Five Guys?

Ice Cream

The person who chose this is crazy but may have a point. I never go out of my way for ice cream. Every movie when a girl is dumped, straight to the ice cream, which is a lie in real life. And in the winter, the need for this is extinct. I get it.

Funnel Cake

John would be pissed if he actually read these blogs (just kidding, hi John!).  I do see why this was chosen. It’s not my thing. It’s just sugar on fried dough. If I’m at an amusement park the two things I’m getting...wow guys...seriously!?  The next two oddly.

Soft Pretzels

I love soft pretzels. I love cheese. I love salt. I oddly would’ve agreed with hard pretzels though. I'm not a big fan, they just aren't my thing.  The only good thing hard pretzels are for is this...

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Corn Dogs

Dammit. I love corn dogs. I’m just gonna move along, but I’m not "chislic offended"...hey a new term!

Coffee

I used to be on this train. Coffee sucked...until it didn’t. It took me forever to like coffee, but now I like it. I’m not one those crazy coffee people, but it’s alright in my book.  Next!  Oh crap...

Bacon

Everyone loves bacon.  Everyone goes crazy over bacon.  The argument that both Alan and Travis had, is that every single person who likes bacon, they get a little too crazy about it.

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Do you think that's what she's actually saying in that gif?  Maybe she loves Macon, GA?

Well anyway, bacon...overrated?  I can see it, but I'm currently eating bacon so.....

Boneless Chicken Wings

Are they wings or are they glorified chicken nuggets that you pay double for to not have the hassle of getting your fingers dirty and making the joke, "I ate the bone!"?

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I actually agree with this selection.  I prefer normal wings anyway.  Bone and all.

Bloody Mary’s

I agree 100% with this selection, but I hate tomato juice.  Also places in bulk are dong "fun" things with Bloody Mary's.  You want a Bloody Mary with a hamburger?  Sure!  Bacon?  Yeah!  Hot dog and fries!?  Okay!

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Just order a meal and get over your hangover like a normal person.  Also that photo is why the world hates the United States.

Disclaimer: The person who chose this also likes Bloody Mary's, but doesn't like all the crap in it, I just felt the need to add that piece of information, I'm not sure why?

Oreo’s

This was Travis.  Screw you Travis, you're wrong!  That's two hints!  Chislic offended.

This is Travis and I in better times...pre-Oreo diss.

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Just to prove you can make anything political, Travis hates Oreos because he prefers Hydrox!!!  Just kidding, he prefers his in a Dairy Queen Blizzard, and a Blizzard only!!!

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Krispy Kreme

The argument here is that mom and pop stores have better donuts, that is correct.  This goes with the chislic, in my opinion, because I like Krispy Kreme, but I'd much rather have a different brand.  Maybe one of those family run ones...or, oh I don't know...a Casey's donut!!!

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Also I'm more upset at Krispy Kreme because they made the rapper change his name, not cool guys.

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Red Velvet

It's just chocolate cake with red food coloring people!  Wake up!

Macaroni and Cheese

And the mot scandalous for last.  This was chosen because as soon as you're done with that first bite or two, is it still amazing?  After that, it's just cheese on noodle from this persons point of view.

The entire sentence above, I disagree with because I love mac and cheese, but I see the argument.  Maybe people should try to be more like that, amiright?  Instead of attacking someone because they say mac and cheese is overrated...or CHISLIC, maybe just look at their point of view, swallow your pride, and agree to disagree?

This person said that about Mac and Cheese, but some people may think that about Spaghetti.  I personally don't like bananas.  I know someone who doesn't like cheese on their burger...that's their decision.

The most attention a post has received on my Facebook wall in quite sometime, was an apparent attack on chislic (again, I said overrated, it's still decent), maybe the next blog will be about how most comment or react to a post about that, but don't comment or react to important topics like what's happening in the world right now, or fundraisers and donations for people who have something going on who need help?  It's an interesting topic, but no way in hell I'm touching that.

The next blog will be on my top 10 favorite Nintendo Entertainment System games...and Super Mario Bros. does not make the list.  Spoiler alert!

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If you have any foods to share that you think are overrated, please do.  I want to know what people REALLY think about Party Pizza?  Hint?  I love it. 

Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Word Assocation - Alex Baker


This was originally shared on February 17, 2016...it only took me two years to do a second one.  

Here at the Kleeman Report, I love to write about my friends, but what about interviewing them?  So what I thought would be fun, to have a word association with them, settling on the number 20 for the amount.  Not too many questions, not too little.

First up, will be Alex Baker.

Image may contain: Alex Baker and Jeff Kleeman, beard, closeup and indoor

Friend of 13 (wow 13!?) years.  Lover of beards, puns, animals, collector of coins and he loves Choose Your Own Adventure Books.


For a short time we were also in the band 98 Degrees:

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I think Alex is ready for the challenge.

So let's get started, shall we?
Jeff: Staplers




Alex: Tenacious bonder of stationary that adorns most desks of the business world.

Jeff: Steven Seagal



Alex: Fat



Jeff: Slimer



Alex: Disgusting blob and mascot of the Ecto Cooler.

Jeff: Havarti cheese

Alex: The fuck is Havarti?

Jeff: Templeton from "Charlotte's Web"



Alex: Left the farm from Charlotte's Web and is now gonna make it big...or end up giving hand jobs for blow.



Jeff: Hahahaha

Alex: A laugh or "chortle"

Jeff: Fuad Reviz



Alex: Fuad fucking Reviz.  Kicker who had lots of practice with the Vikings if you get my drift.



Jeff: The movie "Into the Blue"

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Alex: Jessica Alba

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Jeff: Darkwing Duck



Alex: BETTER WATCH OUT YOU BAD BOY!



Jeff: 10 rubber bands



Alex: Less than 11 rubber bands

Jeff: Unicorns




Alex: They don't exist, like Vikings Super Bowl titles..."sniff"...



Jeff: Justin Bieber



Alex: Next question!

Jeff: Sacramento Kings basketball!

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Alex: Mike Bibby.  Won an NCCA championship and had a chance to win it all with the Kings.  Also bald.



Jeff: Abby Chandra

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Alex: The queen of Sioux Falls...duh.

Jeff: The McPick 2



Alex: Just buy a meal you cheapskate!

Jeff: Gallstones....yuck


Alex: The cousins of kidney stones

Jeff: Air guitar solos



Alex: My forte given enough booze.  *editors note: absolutely true.

Jeff: Matt Forte



Alex: Homeless



Jeff: Obesity

Alex: Steven Seagal



Jeff:  Alex Baker

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Alex: An enigma!

Jeff: We did it!  That's it.  Thanks Alex!

Alex: Haha my pleasure.