Overrated Foods: A Kleeman Report...Report

People get mad or offended now about the smallest things.  Yesterday I received a text from my friend Travis.



"True or false, chislic is completely overrated?"

Simple enough question, the answer, my opinion, is yes.  It's always overpriced.  It's not something that I would order, but if someone were to offer me a bite, yeah...sure.  But I'd do the same with toast, and toast is just...toast.



That doesn't mean it's bad.  That doesn't mean I dislike it.  It just means I don't enjoy it as much as most, and view it as a food that gets unneeded acclaim for being cut up steak (or lamb) with seasoning...

So of course I told Travis that I would make it my Facebook status...let's see what happens?  What happened?  I forgot we live in 2018, the era of everybody is offended by everything!  Yeah!  Great!  What started with a few funny memes, gifs, comments, etc, ultimately turned in to more.  I got texts!  Personal messages!  It was even turned political in one response (I shared an article about how South Dakota is making chislic the state snack, or "nosh" if you will... that's my state, always the important issues.  Not increasing teacher pay or anything else important.  Definitely nosh, that's what's important. Anyway a guy who is awful pushed to pass this bill...and it’s my fault for sharing that stupid article).  Hell, even one of my best friends (hi KAAAAAH) made a status that I, Jeff Kleeman, was overrated (which is actually really funny).

So of course I’m a glutton for punishment and I have decided to do a blog about the most overrated foods!  But I'm not going to make the choices, I'm just going to review them.  I’ve enlisted two people who love food as much as I do (no, not Ben Gutnik...next time Ben!). The previously mentioned Travis and our buddy Alan.



Meow, right ladies?

This blog will be much like my status. Super easy, not time consuming and sure to piss people off for no reason.

Here is the list from Travis and Alan. If you can correctly identify who picked what (there is one that was chosen by both) you will win the only Kleeman Report shirt in existence. Still up for grabs, years later.

Casey’s Pizza



A Midwest favorite. I personally love Casey’s pizza. This person does not (its Alan, one freebie). Greasy gas station pizza.  I believe he thinks it’s rubbery. And did I mention it’s from a gas station?

On a personal note, living in Sourh Dakota, it’s fun describing to people out of state that the most popular pizza is from a gas station, the most popular chicken is from Pizza Ranch...and you can only guess where the most popular hamburgers are...right?  Trick question, I have no clue. Personally around here?  Five Guys?

Ice Cream

The person who chose this is crazy but may have a point. I never go out of my way for ice cream. Every movie when a girl is dumped, straight to the ice cream, which is a lie in real life. And in the winter, the need for this is extinct. I get it.

Funnel Cake

John would be pissed if he actually read these blogs (just kidding, hi John!).  I do see why this was chosen. It’s not my thing. It’s just sugar on fried dough. If I’m at an amusement park the two things I’m getting...wow guys...seriously!?  The next two oddly.

Soft Pretzels

I love soft pretzels. I love cheese. I love salt. I oddly would’ve agreed with hard pretzels though. I'm not a big fan, they just aren't my thing.  The only good thing hard pretzels are for is this...



Corn Dogs

Dammit. I love corn dogs. I’m just gonna move along, but I’m not "chislic offended"...hey a new term!

Coffee

I used to be on this train. Coffee sucked...until it didn’t. It took me forever to like coffee, but now I like it. I’m not one those crazy coffee people, but it’s alright in my book.  Next!  Oh crap...

Bacon

Everyone loves bacon.  Everyone goes crazy over bacon.  The argument that both Alan and Travis had, is that every single person who likes bacon, they get a little too crazy about it.



Do you think that's what she's actually saying in that gif?  Maybe she loves Macon, GA?

Well anyway, bacon...overrated?  I can see it, but I'm currently eating bacon so.....

Boneless Chicken Wings

Are they wings or are they glorified chicken nuggets that you pay double for to not have the hassle of getting your fingers dirty and making the joke, "I ate the bone!"?



I actually agree with this selection.  I prefer normal wings anyway.  Bone and all.

Bloody Mary’s

I agree 100% with this selection, but I hate tomato juice.  Also places in bulk are dong "fun" things with Bloody Mary's.  You want a Bloody Mary with a hamburger?  Sure!  Bacon?  Yeah!  Hot dog and fries!?  Okay!



Just order a meal and get over your hangover like a normal person.  Also that photo is why the world hates the United States.

Disclaimer: The person who chose this also likes Bloody Mary's, but doesn't like all the crap in it, I just felt the need to add that piece of information, I'm not sure why?

Oreo’s

This was Travis.  Screw you Travis, you're wrong!  That's two hints!  Chislic offended.

This is Travis and I in better times...pre-Oreo diss.



Just to prove you can make anything political, Travis hates Oreos because he prefers Hydrox!!!  Just kidding, he prefers his in a Dairy Queen Blizzard, and a Blizzard only!!!



Krispy Kreme

The argument here is that mom and pop stores have better donuts, that is correct.  This goes with the chislic, in my opinion, because I like Krispy Kreme, but I'd much rather have a different brand.  Maybe one of those family run ones...or, oh I don't know...a Casey's donut!!!



Also I'm more upset at Krispy Kreme because they made the rapper change his name, not cool guys.



Red Velvet

It's just chocolate cake with red food coloring people!  Wake up!

Macaroni and Cheese

And the mot scandalous for last.  This was chosen because as soon as you're done with that first bite or two, is it still amazing?  After that, it's just cheese on noodle from this persons point of view.

The entire sentence above, I disagree with because I love mac and cheese, but I see the argument.  Maybe people should try to be more like that, amiright?  Instead of attacking someone because they say mac and cheese is overrated...or CHISLIC, maybe just look at their point of view, swallow your pride, and agree to disagree?

This person said that about Mac and Cheese, but some people may think that about Spaghetti.  I personally don't like bananas.  I know someone who doesn't like cheese on their burger...that's their decision.

The most attention a post has received on my Facebook wall in quite sometime, was an apparent attack on chislic (again, I said overrated, it's still decent), maybe the next blog will be about how most comment or react to a post about that, but don't comment or react to important topics like what's happening in the world right now, or fundraisers and donations for people who have something going on who need help?  It's an interesting topic, but no way in hell I'm touching that.

The next blog will be on my top 10 favorite Nintendo Entertainment System games...and Super Mario Bros. does not make the list.  Spoiler alert!



If you have any foods to share that you think are overrated, please do.  I want to know what people REALLY think about Party Pizza?  Hint?  I love it. 

Til next time...

Jeff Kleeman

NES Review From Z - A: Part IV: Super Mario!

It has now been a week since I was going to write this blog.  Why have I taken so long?  Mario.  That and, well, life.  Kids coming, holidays are here, Shameless binge watch complete, time to get to that review of the best gaming series in history (sorry Ratchet and Clank!).

SUPER MARIO BROS!



I usually review a lot more games than just three, but these three games are so iconic, I decided to cover this because without Mario, I probably wouldn't be writing a blog that 104 people read (thanks guys!).

So I've had Mario in my life as long as I can remember.  I grew up playing Super Mario Bros. 1-3 on the original NES.  I begged my mom to get me a Super Nintendo (SNES), just so I could play Super Mario World.  In between that, Mario taught me how to drive horribly in Mario Kart.  At the tail end of the SNES, I rented my favorite game, Super Mario RPG so many times, the jerk kid at the video store told me I should just buy it.  Then that let to Super Smash Bros and even more Mario Kart in college.  I love Mario.

Now with the release of Super Mario Run on the iPhone, I've gotten in the bad habit of playing it...a lot.  I haven't splurged yet on the other levels, but you want some tips on levels 1-3, you got it, just text me.

*message to Nintendo, don't release a game for 9.99 just to have it so you can only play 3 levels.  I get the money grab aspect of this.  How about starting off with 4-8 levels, then making us pay? 

Long story short, I love Super Mario, and occasionally Luigi...oh and definitely Peach.



So with this review, I will be covering 1-3.  Not the original Mario Bros. game, which in it's own right is fun, but it's just, well, it's a whole lot of jumping, but worth adding to your collection.



So let's start, backwards as usual, with arguably the best game released on the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Super Mario Bros. 3

This game is so good it even came with it's own Fred Savage starring commercial...um....I mean movie.

*Nintendo, to appease for your mistakes of Super Mario Run, please come out with a sequel to The Wizard, title it "The Wizard: Lucas's Revenge" with complete original cast.  Please and thanks.



Back to the game.  It's pretty amazing.  Easily a top all time game, let alone all time top NES game.

The game is so in-depth, there are hidden parts of levels all over the place.  Hell, it was the first time I ever used a strategy guide as a kid, just to see what else I was missing (basically everything).  It also turned me on to the fun of gambling and guessing cards, great job NES!

The game still holds up today, it's fun as hell, and on my replay, even though I didn't want to, I warped, just to try to beat it in record time.

Did I beat it on my replay?  No, but only because I was in a hurry to get this article done...a week ago...the same article that I am just now writing.  So I'll try to beat the game before my kid is born... maybe.

For your collection, this, and spoiler alert, every game in this blog review are must own.

Super Mario Bros 2.

This is one of the most underrated games ever made.  Mario 2 started out as a game without Mario at all.

Originally called Yume Kojo, Mario was integrated in to this game after people found the original sequel to Super Mario too difficult (which if you had/have an SNES, you can play the difficult levels on Super Mario All-Stars).

The fun part about this game, you get to play as 4 playable characters: Mario, Luigi, Toad and Peach.
Each character had their own strengths, and it also led to my intense hate of anything Luigi related, simply because it's so damn hard to play with his feet always wiggling around.



It also was the first time you got to take on Birdo, quite possibly the first trans videogame character.
This was a game truly ahead of its time.



Also this is one of the few Mario games where Bowser isn't the main enemy, it's a villain named Wart.



Which naming him Wart seemingly follows the trend of naming NES characters after deformities, looking at you Battletoads characters!



* Nintendo, can someone, anyone, get a Battletoads remake in motion?!  ANYBODY!?

Super Mario 2 is great, another must own.  That now leads us to the game that started it all.

Super Mario Bros.

I have the classic Mario Bros/Duck Hunt double cartridge.  (I won't talk much of Duck Hunt, we all know Duck Hunt is great, but I can't play it as my NES gun doesn't reflect off of these new fangled TV's.... so my review of Duck Hunt, it's really fun...for 10 minutes...there).

I have played Super Mario so much, I can beat the first level with my eyes closed (thanks college, and to one of my best chums Eric "Ras" Rasmussen for that idea).  We played Mario so much we came up with our own challenges.  Playing the first level without powering up while intoxicated (tasks, tasks, all these tasks!), we also tried to speed beat it, trying to emulate this:

Incredible.  Even more incredible that it still holds up today.  When I replayed this, I decided to go through some levels, and really take my time to enjoy how fun it was, even taking the time to find this coin box on my first try:

Still got it.  I would've done the middle finger trick, but I didn't do it that day, sorry.

I didn't defeat this quite as quick as the speedy guy, but I did still defeat it.  It's one of those games you put in if you want to feel dominant in this age of insanely hard and insanely time consuming video games.  It's great.  It's probably why Mario Run is comparable to this game, for the simplicity of it.

So yes, you have an NES collection, you obviously own these.  Now a couple of fun observations about the Mario series, in no particular order.

- clearly the first issue, is it Mario Mario and Luigi Mario?  The Mario Bros?  Or is Mario the man with no name.  Or is there some Fight Club thing going on with Luigi?
- how does Peach always get kidnapped?  She seems like she can hold her own, just judging from Smash Bros.  So maybe in a sequel it'll be revealed she's in to these kinda things?  Likes being captured.  Maybe she's in to Bowser...speaking of which.
- I have somehow made it this entire blog without talking about the main villain of the Mario series, but why does he keep going after Mario?  Isn't he just gonna give up after the 6th or 7th time of losing?  Also, Mario has literally murdered all of Bower's kids...so who is the real hero, huh!?
- Do you think Luigi has a complex?  Mario gets all the attention, he gets Peach.  No wonder there's a rumor about the game Luigi's Mansion where he killed himself.  Poor guy.



- This thought is for later games, but I gotta touch on Yoshi here.  Is Yoshi a species?  It's not one particular pet or dinosaur or whatever the hell Yoshi is, main reason for that?  This video about sums it up:

Well that's all you're gonna get out of me today for Mario related things, I've already been away from Super Mario Run for much too long.  I hope you enjoyed this blog as much as I had writing it.

Next week will have a recap of the year 2016, and why it wasn't so bad.  I mean, there's gotta be some reasons right!?  Right!?!?!

Thanks for reading as always you beautiful people.

Jeff Kleeman