It's been 19 days since our lives changed with the addition of our beautiful daughter Zoe. It's also been 19 days of hilarious thoughts that have come in to my head since her arrival in to this world.
I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, but maybe I would've slept a little more beforehand?Regardless, here are some random thoughts on parenthood. Enjoy.
- no matter where the burp rag goes, she will literally puke milk anywhere else but that damn burp rag. I am currently typing this with burp juice all over me.
- poop isn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be...speaking of which...
- products for washing your clothes have come a long way! It's so impressive that you would have no idea that 3 outfits she's about to wear she crapped all over. The future is now!
- headphones for the "I'm upset cry" may be needed. My hearing is bad enough, but the decibels that she puts out when she's pissed could double as a tornado alarm.
- the amount of people who flock to a newborn baby are crazy...okay, let's rephrase. The amount of women who flock to a newborn baby are crazy. Single friends of mine, feel free to babysit for an hour or two, but you have to pay me per date you get, let's start at $50.
- if you're kid is asleep on you, you can't move, you can't talk, you can't even blink. She will be waking up...
- on the flip-side of that, if you are in a public place where it's loud as hell, she won't wake up. What kind of cruel joke is this!? She is now 4 for 4 on us eating at a restaurant.
- sleeping sucks, but I expected part of it, with the crying and feeding and changing of diapers. I didn't expect to wake up when I hear zero noise. Oh, I just put my child to sleep thirty seconds ago and she's not making a noise? Well shit, I better go see if she's alive. Then repeat process about 2-15 more times throughout the night.
- my baby farts louder than I do. She is going to kill me for putting this fact up in about 12-14 years.
- I elaborated on this last week, but having a kid has really upped the re-watching of movies I haven't seen in years, or seen at all. It's 1 AM, am I going to watch No Strings Attached? Sure Natalie Portman is delightful! The Blind Side? I guess. Twilight? Okay, I won't even succumb to that garbage.
- I have now been peed on more times in my life (2-3 times I thought?) than I ever thought...I think I discussed that in my last blog, but I don't remember because....
- parent brain is real. I wrote a blog I think a week ago? But it feels like 8 weeks. What day is it? No clue. If ESPN didn't constantly hype the Super Bowl, I would probably forget about it this Sunday (go Falcons). Or even know what month it is. I am in living fear of the day daylight savings time happens.
I'm not used to this since I'm always prepared and have everything scheduled. I feel it'll start to normalize soon, but until it does, I better get going, I have Christmas presents to buy (is it Christmas?!).
I have now been a father for over a week. Let me repeat that again if that first sentence didn't seem believable. I have now been a father...FOR OVER A WEEK!
It's awesome. It's one of the craziest/amazing/awesome experiences of my life. So the following are going to be things I have learned from the past week. Maybe a story thrown in here and there. So enjoy the read!
* Disclosure, plan to not share my daughters photo on this blog, and sparingly on Facebook is working great. So no photos on here for a long time, sorry baby picture enthusiasts. And Facebook friends, she will be put up sparingly as planned, which with our experience was probably the reason our kids photo got a large amount of likes. Less is more.
So let's start with the actual process of the birth. To you fellow novices out there, it's not like the movies.
Oh man, it is not. When you initially think about the day of the pregnancy, you think you'll be dodging heavy traffic, while she's yelling at you in the passenger seat, making it to the hospital just in time to meet nurses, waiting at the door. Then the kid comes out 20 minutes later. The end.
Ha, it doesn't happen that way, besides the wife yelling at your driving part. It was a process for sure, that's for sure. And ladies, not that I didn't respect you before (except the Kardashian's, no respect for them, except you Kylie), but wow, you are tough. My wife birthed a 9 pound 11 ounce kid. I'm typing this now, crying because I have to poop really, really bad. That's impressive.
Not only that, an epidural seems like a torture that James Bond would have to endure. I'd rather take take a laser to the nuts, or sharks with laser beams on their head, rather than experience the pain my wife went through with that.
The actual birth was memorable. It started on 1-11 in room 111, and we hit 11:11 PM...and it kept going.
She was born at 12:13 AM on 1-12. So if you like the classics Peaches & Cream and It's Over Now by 112, it's an easy birthday to remember (I'm such a fanboy)!
I was in the room for the process, the only thing I will share, because it's personal, is that seeing the child peek out of there is the most out of body experience ever. Seeing a human being you've been talking to through a belly for months, peeking out, about to actually come in the world, it's life changing for sure. I'd be tearing up right now, but again, I really have to poop.
The funny things I did notice that I will share, are the following:
- pregnant women have no shame.
- the push to get the child out is exactly like the movies, swearing and all
- we had a rock star doctor, who I don't know how she focused on the distractions of one too many people in the room, but she did it. Hats off.
- we had music playing in the background, thought it'd be cool if she came out to an awesome song, "Best Day of My Life" as an example, but I think she came in to Mumford & Sons, she's such a music snob already.
- That first night I don't think I slept? I think? Unless I did. Actually the next 3 days I didn't much, not complaining, just letting you know, if I have any spelling errors, I'm quite sleep deprived. I had about 6 1/2 hours of sleep those first three nights, my wife even less.
So those were some observations from that night/day. Here are some from the following days.
- breast feeding in theory looks easy, again I blame the movies and TV. You don't just whip it out and they start eating right away, more of a process to it. So if you happen upon this and get discouraged, it's fine, it happens to all. Did I know that before? No. That's why there should be a Schempp Expose or a Reasoner Roundup or a Coley Calling All Friends (my friends who had kids before me who clearly could've written a weekly humorous blog...you're welcome for the cool names if you ever decide to write one fellas).
- I can now spot nipple cream containers from across the room...just thought I'd share that info.
- you can buy any amount of things that may work to help your child sleep, we got a bassinet that's the bomb...in theory. But does she like that? Nah, she likes a hand me down rocker-type thing the most. It vibrates!
- women love newborn babies, I knew this before, but not to this extent. If I take my daughter anywhere, she will be smothered by people. Which is awesome, no complaints, I just hope they washed their hands.
* unrelated, but I bet if my male friends that are single babysat my kid, they could take her to a park or something and INSTANTLY get attention from single women. I may have to charge them for this magical idea.
- poop comes out of your clothes, milk vomit doesn't....at first.
- black poop is a thing. Surprisingly poop doesn't gross me out as much as I thought it was going to, but according to my friends, it's that 2 1/2 year old poop you gotta watch out for.
- 3 AM TV isn't too bad, tons of infomercials, SportsCenter and music videos are actually played on MTV.
- you can still do what you did before, just pick your time. I like video games still, and crushing our Netflix queue. Exercising sucks, but I like to do it, it's still all possible. So don't think your life is over. And yes, you can still go on trips...according to my friends, that idea I will definitely write about when we try that this summer (Chicago!).
- you will find people give unwanted parenting advice, for the good info, take it, lock it up, and keep it. For the dumb stuff, smile and nod and listen to It's Over Now by 112 in your head, then forget it ever happened.
- your phone will blow up the day you announce. People you haven't heard from in years, asking how the kid is, maybe shocked you procreated. The coolest part of the messages we received, people seemingly liked the name of our child (that's the best humble brag of all, because I love the name Zoe).
- my friends in the past year (except Matt) have seemingly only had boys. You know what that means? Get in line boys, because they can date our daughter in the future, and we can have shared holiday's and life will be awesome. Ha, or she'll make her own decisions, probably date at least one guy I dislike until meeting someone awesome...please don't grow up too fast Zoe!
- And finally, I said it earlier, but my wife is a rock star. The common misconception, when the birth is done, basically all the hard work is done, minus some sleep here and there. Nah, there's more than that. There's a lot to it, especially if you want to be a good, involved parent. But put in the work, because it's the greatest thing I've ever accomplished, that and meeting and marrying my wife, the rock star who seemingly feeds all day, who pushed a child out of her body that weighs approximately the same as a sack of potatoes. She's amazing, they are both amazing. I'm a lucky guy.
