It's been 19 days since our lives changed with the addition of our beautiful daughter Zoe. It's also been 19 days of hilarious thoughts that have come in to my head since her arrival in to this world.
I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, but maybe I would've slept a little more beforehand?Regardless, here are some random thoughts on parenthood. Enjoy.
- no matter where the burp rag goes, she will literally puke milk anywhere else but that damn burp rag. I am currently typing this with burp juice all over me.
- poop isn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be...speaking of which...
- products for washing your clothes have come a long way! It's so impressive that you would have no idea that 3 outfits she's about to wear she crapped all over. The future is now!
- headphones for the "I'm upset cry" may be needed. My hearing is bad enough, but the decibels that she puts out when she's pissed could double as a tornado alarm.
- the amount of people who flock to a newborn baby are crazy...okay, let's rephrase. The amount of women who flock to a newborn baby are crazy. Single friends of mine, feel free to babysit for an hour or two, but you have to pay me per date you get, let's start at $50.
- if you're kid is asleep on you, you can't move, you can't talk, you can't even blink. She will be waking up...
- on the flip-side of that, if you are in a public place where it's loud as hell, she won't wake up. What kind of cruel joke is this!? She is now 4 for 4 on us eating at a restaurant.
- sleeping sucks, but I expected part of it, with the crying and feeding and changing of diapers. I didn't expect to wake up when I hear zero noise. Oh, I just put my child to sleep thirty seconds ago and she's not making a noise? Well shit, I better go see if she's alive. Then repeat process about 2-15 more times throughout the night.
- my baby farts louder than I do. She is going to kill me for putting this fact up in about 12-14 years.
- I elaborated on this last week, but having a kid has really upped the re-watching of movies I haven't seen in years, or seen at all. It's 1 AM, am I going to watch No Strings Attached? Sure Natalie Portman is delightful! The Blind Side? I guess. Twilight? Okay, I won't even succumb to that garbage.
- I have now been peed on more times in my life (2-3 times I thought?) than I ever thought...I think I discussed that in my last blog, but I don't remember because....
- parent brain is real. I wrote a blog I think a week ago? But it feels like 8 weeks. What day is it? No clue. If ESPN didn't constantly hype the Super Bowl, I would probably forget about it this Sunday (go Falcons). Or even know what month it is. I am in living fear of the day daylight savings time happens.
I'm not used to this since I'm always prepared and have everything scheduled. I feel it'll start to normalize soon, but until it does, I better get going, I have Christmas presents to buy (is it Christmas?!).
Thanks for reading,
Jeff Kleeman
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